"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.

"
"I do not fear death, in view of the fact I had been dead for billions and billions
of years before I was born. and had not suffered the slightest invconveniece from
it"
"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the
selfish, and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and
goodwill shepards the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his
brothers keeper and the finder of lost children."
"None of us is as dumb as all of us."
"When I tell you to close the door behind you one of two things is just about to
happen: Either you�re about to get fired�or a bunch of gay stuff is about to go
down. "
"I don't think Girl Scouts start their sales pitch with 'Alright, douchbags'..."
"True inspiration is impossible to fake."
'No idea is simple when you need to plant it in somebody elses mind.'
"Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies."
"The longest one-syllable word in the English language is screeched."
"There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order:
"abstemious" and "facetious."
"There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs five
times: "indivisibility."
"The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three
gifts. "
"Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live? That means
that if you put a baby croc in an aquarium, it would be little for the rest of its
life."
"People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops
for a milli-second."
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt"."
"There is a seven letter word in the English language that contains ten words
without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the, there, he, in, rein, her,
here, ere, therein, herein."
"Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry
can be dribbled like a basketball."
"Stewardesses" is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand."
"Almonds are members of the peach family."
"The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following
sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman
strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed
and hiccoughed."
"A snail can sleep for three years."
"Once more into the fray. Into the last good fight I'll ever know. Live and die on
this day. Live and die on this day."
"The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue
twister in the English language."
"The cigarette lighter was invented before the match."
"If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib."
"A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why."
"In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted
insects and 10 spiders."
"If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or
neck and die."
"Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a
swimming pool?"
"The three most valuable brand names on earth Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser,
in that order."
"If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?"
"Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?"
"Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning."
"Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a
racecar is not called a racist?"
"A hummingbird weighs less than a penny."
"The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets."
"The State of Florida is bigger than England."
"Dolphins sleep with one eye open."
"Ants stretch when they wake up in the morning."
"The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump."
"Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying."
"The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is
uncopyrightable."
"The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe."
"Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur."
"Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living."
"The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle."
"Chuck Norris won a Spelling Bee with sign language."
"The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language."
"Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with
the letters "und."
"There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous."
"Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark�s stomach from
underneath, causing the shark to explode."
"The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English
Dictionary, is *pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word
with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses,
its plural."
"Triskaidekaphobia means fear of the number 13. Paraskevidekatriaphobia means fear
of Friday the 13th (which occurs one to three times a year). In Italy, 17 is
considered an unlucky number. In Japan, 4 is considered an unlucky number."
"On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents every day."
"A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down
continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top."
"Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de
Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."
"And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, those who
attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.And you will know my name is the LORD,
when I lay my vengeance upon thee!"
"The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."
"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not
screaming, like the passengers in his car."
"The square root of rope is string."
"While the submarine is vastly superior to the boat in every way, over 97% of
people still use boats for aquatic transportation."
"Cellular phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis."
"Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon�s wrath.
It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god."
"The atomic weight of Germanium is seven two point six four."
"89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery."
"An ostrich�s eye is bigger than its brain."
"In Greek myth, the craftsman Daedalus invented human flight so a group of
Minotaurs would stop teasing him about it."
"Humans can survive underwater. But not for very long."
"Raseph, the Semitic god of war and plague, had a gazelle growing out of his
forehead."
"The plural of surgeon general is surgeons general. The past tense of surgeons
general is surgeonsed general."
"Polymerase I polypeptide A is a human gene."
"Rats cannot throw up."
"Iguanas can stay underwater for twenty-eight point seven minutes."
"Human tapeworms can grow up to twenty-two point nine meters."
"The Schrodinger�s cat paradox outlines a situation in which a cat in a box must be
considered, for all intents and purposes, simultaneously alive and dead.
Schrodinger created this paradox as a justification for killing cats."
"Every square inch of the human body has 32 million bacteria on it."
"I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive
Club. Ha, ha."
"Volcano-ologists are experts in the study of volcanoes."
"Avocados have the highest fiber and calories of any fruit. They are found in
Australians."
"The moon orbits the Earth every 27.32 days."
"Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He
was cast to the bowels of the Earth and pecked by birds."
"The billionth digit of Pi is 9."
"A t the end of The Seagull by Anton Chekhov, Konstantin kills himself."
"Due to mandatory scheduled maintenance, the next test is currently unavailable. It
has been replaced with a live-fire course designed for military androids. The
Enrichment Center apologizes and wishes you the best of luck."
"Warning, Neurotoxin reaching dangerously unleathal levels."
"Remember, the Aperture Science Bring Your Daughter to Work Day is the perfect time
to have her tested."
"While it has been a faithful companion, your Companion Cube cannot accompany you
through the rest of the test. If it could talk - and the Enrichment Center takes
this opportunity to remind you that it cannot - it would tell you to go on without
it, because it would rather die in a fire than become a burden to you."
"Cake, and grief counseling, will be available at the end of the testing period."
"Congratulations, the test is now over. All Aperture technologies remain safely
operational up to 4000 degrees kelvin. Rest assured, that there is absolutely no
chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction prior to your victory candescence.
Thank you for participating in that Aperture Science Enrichment activity. Goodbye!"
"We are pleased that you made it through the final challenge where we pretended we
were going to murder you. We are throwing a party in honor of your tremendous
success."
"This first test involves something the lab-boys call repulsion gel. You're not
part of the control group by the way - you get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got
blue paint, ha ha ha! All joking aside, that did happen. Broke every bone in his
legs - tragic. But informative! Or so I'm told."
"At the end of the experiment, you will be baked and then there will be cake"
"Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said Goodbye and
you were like, No way! And then I was all We pretended we were going to murder you?
That was great!"
"Did you know you can donate one or all of your vital organs to the Aperture
Science Self Esteem Fund for Girls? It's true!"
"As part of an optional test protocol, we are pleased to present an amusing fact:
The device is now more valuable than the organs and combined incomes of everyone in
*subject hometown here."
"The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group,
they're telling me I ought to stop making these pre-recorded messages - that gave
me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about
the control group all damn day!"
"Alright this next test may involve trace amounts of time travel. So word of
advice: if you meet yourself on the testing track don't make eye contact. Lab boys
tell me that'll wipe out time - entirely. Forward and backward. So do both of
yourselves a favor and let that handsome devil go about his business."
"This is your fault. I'm going to kill you. And all the cake is gone. You don't
even care, do you?"
"Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words
for snow. They do, however, have two hundred and thirty-four words for fudge."
"In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen,
due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts.
Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do this."
"In 1862, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the slaves.
Like everything he did, Lincoln freed the slaves while sleepwalking, and later had
no memory of the event."
"In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five
hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning."
"William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis
Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts."
"It is incorrectly noted that Thomas Edison invented �push-ups� in 1878. Nikolai
Tesla had in fact patented the activity three years earlier, under the name �Tesla-
cize.�"
"Whales are twice as intelligent, and three times as delicious, as humans."
"The automobile brake was not invented until 1895. Before this, someone had to
remain in the car at all times, driving in circles until passengers returned from
their errands."
"Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mount Everest, did so accidentally while
chasing a bird."
"Diamonds are made when coal is put under intense pressure. Diamonds put under
intense pressure become foam pellets, commonly used today as packing material."
"The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes
are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy�s eyes are composed of a less harmful,
deadly poison."
"The occupation of court jester was invented accidentally, when a vassal�s epilepsy
was mistaken for capering."
"Halley�s Comet can be viewed orbiting Earth every seventy-six years. For the other
seventy-five, it retreats to the heart of the sun, where it hibernates
undisturbed."
"The first commercial airline flight took to the air in 1914. Everyone involved
screamed the entire way."
"In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The
jewelry he kept for himself."
"The first person to prove that cow�s milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty."
"Before the Wright Brothers invented the airplane, anyone wanting to fly anywhere
was required to eat 200 pounds of helium."
"Before the invention of scrambled eggs in 1912, the typical breakfast was either
whole eggs still in the shell or scrambled rocks."
"During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits,
forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice."
"According to most advanced algorithms, the world�s best name is Craig."
"To make a photocopier, simply photocopy a mirror."
"Dreams are the subconscious mind�s way of reminding people to go to school naked
and have their teeth fall out."
"Don't seek out happiness, Make happiness find you"
"If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might've noticed
that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an
invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline. So all that means is,
it's working."
"Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some
good news and some bad news. The bad news is we're postponing those tests
indefinitely. The good news is we've got a much better test for you: Fighting an
army of Mantis Men. Pick up a Rifle and follow the yellow line, you'll know when
the test starts."
"No one would've guessed the kid named Jose would be asian"
"When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back!
Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?!
Demand to see life's manager! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn
your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a
combustible lemon that burns your house down!"
"This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals, if
the laws of physics no longer apply in the future... God help you."
"Look at you, sailing through the air majestically, like an eagle... piloting a
blimp."
"Well done. Here come the test results: "You are a horrible person." That's what it
says: a horrible person. We weren't even testing for that."
"You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me, or put
me in a potato, or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life. And then you showed
up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. And you know what? You win. It's been fun, Don't
come back.
"Oh. It's you. It's been a long time. How have you been? I've been really busy
being dead. You know... after you murdered me."
"At some point in their lives 1 in 6 children will be abducted by the dutch."
"Science isn't about why, its about why not. Why is so much of our science
dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not
invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on your way out,
because YOU ARE FIRED. Not you test subject, you're doing fine." "Yes, you. Box.
Your stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye."
"Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity,
and dying of radioactivity."
"You must be asking yourself : What are the dangers of these tests? Why did I have
to sign this phonebook of a contract? To this, I will answer by a question: Who
wants to make 60 bucks?"
"If we can learn anything from Albert Einstein and his cousin, Terry, it's that
history will only remember one of you."
"A smart man makes a mistake, learns from it, and never makes that mistake again.
But a wise man finds a smart man and learns from him how to avoid the mistake
altogether."
"A test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it."
"Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does."
"Crave for a thing, you will get it. Renounce the craving, the object will follow
you by itself."
"Three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second,
by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest."
"I have not failed. I�ve just found 10,000 ways that won�t work."
"How lucky I am to have known someone who was so hard to say goodbye to."
"Once more into the fray Into the last good fight I'll ever know. Live and die on
this day. Live and die on this day"
"If I can�t have what I want, let me want what I have."
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull."
"While I thought that I was learning to live, I have been learning how to die." -
Leonardo da Vinci
�I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you
realize that what you heard is not what I meant.�
"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then
wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized." ~Fred Allen
"An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a
fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault."
"When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football."
"All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my
train of thought."
"Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."
"Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss
people."
"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."
"The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."
"It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question."
"Five out of four people have trouble with fractions."
"A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory."
"Why is it that when someone says 'With all due respect' they really mean 'Kiss my
ass'?
"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."
"Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment."
"Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried
taking candy from a baby."
"An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible."
"Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity."
"The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures."
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other."