Red = necessary change because of grammar rules, spelling, etc.

, and things I know for sure need to be

changed
Blue = my suggestion
Green = my commentary

This cover letter is an introduction to my portfolio, which includes a resume that displays a wide
breadth of my abilities and interests, and another document of a collaborative effort: my Group Charter
Peer Review. In this class, I have discovered and implemented a writing technique through your supplied
assignments, which are based upon SLO (Student Learning Outcomes). I have endeavored to show an
awareness for my audience, and have done so with powerful rhetorical purpose. <- “powerful rhetorical
purpose” is sort of vague. I’m not entirely sure what you mean. I have learned how to write formally and
informally to accomodate a particular audience. (“I have learned skills that demonstrate how to” is too
wordy and can be greatly shortened while still meaning the same thing. “A particular given audience” is
redundant because “particular” and “given” imply the same thing in this case.) Consequently/as a
result/because of this I can show clear knowledge of the ‘what’, ‘how’, and ‘why’ with regard to the
purpose of my writing. (I got rid of the comma after “‘why’”.) For example, in my resume, I believe I did a
reasonably good job of accomplishing/making progress towards/etc. SLO 1, 3, 4, and 5. (I changed “I
believe that I did” into “I believe I did”.) However, a citation for the resume was not included, since it was
not deemed applicable.

New paragraph: My resume was a formal presentation to Dr. Bruce that clearly expressed sufficient
ability/skill/etc. to execute the job of a photographer and design manager. [I’m changing some of your
verbs to past tense (for example, I changed “expresses” to “expressed”) because you gave your resume
to Dr. Bruce in the past to achieve a particular goal that has already been achieved - getting the
photographer and design manager position. Therefore, I think it’s a little better to use past tense.]
Illustrating my achievements, skills and experiences, my resume provided strong evidence of qualification
for these two positions. Accomplishing SLO number 4, my resume demonstrates good organization, logic
and consistency. (Using present tense “demonstrates” here is perfectly appropriate since the resume is in
your portfolio to demonstrate to Dr. Bruce in the present/future your skills.) The heading offered a clear
interface and connection for the audience so they could easily understand the intention/goal (choose one)
of the resume. The audience could easily scan the resume, instantly gaining the information they needed.
Also, I believe that there was audience-appropriate language in the resume.

The Group Charter Peer Review (I wrote this in red because you capitalized this earlier in this cover
letter, so it needs to be consistent) was written informally to classmates for the purpose of gaining good
advice. The peer review was a way to measure our knowledge of SLO-based principles, except SLO
number 2 was not relevant, as it was a peer review. As for rhetorical purpose, the persuasion (SLO 3) is
to accept the advice at face value, which has been augmented by the other SLO points/ principles. < I
don’t fully understand what you mean by this sentence, so I didn’t edit any of the grammar, flow, etc. But
if I had to guess, I would edit it to: “As for the rhetorical purpose of the peer review, the persuasion (SLO
3) was to accept the advice at face value, the advice being augmented by the other SLO principles.” It is
organized well by heading content and the language is unbiased. The peer review is an essential portfolio
document for its clear, basic construction and powerful content. (Again, what do you mean by “powerful”?
It’s a vague word to use in this context. What power does the content have? What does it do to the
reader? Etc.) In a few words, it simply and accurately illustrates/demonstrates/exemplifies/etc. the
relevance and effectiveness of SLO-based principles.

*A suggestion on using commas in general: a comma means you pause for about half a second, so when
you put a comma, read your sentence aloud or in your head with that half-second pause and see if it
sounds the same as how people would talk in real life.