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CONSTANTINE
om
GWEDER MYRAS
The Monthly Newspaper/Magazine of Constantine Church Town, Cornwall
Delivered Free To More Than Six Hundred Households
Impeccably irregular and
authentically imperfect this
fandango of frippery and fact
once more threatens to disrupt
the Village. We all know how much hard
the day.
All items for inclusion
to be sent to The Editor,
The Gweder Myras, The
Tolmen Centre, Fore Street,
Constantine, TR11 5AA.
Letter writers express their
own views alone.
Editorial rights are reserved.
All original items in this news
paper remain the property
of the Editor and may not
be reproduced in any form
without written permission.
Deadline for the next issue
covering both August &
September will be Tuesday
29th July.
Page 2 Parish Council
Page 3 Twinning
Page 4 What’s On
Page 5 Letter to Ed.
Page 6 Roving Reports
Page 7 Constentenors
Page 8 Readers Request.
Page 9 - 72 Pumice futures.
Printed & published by the
Constantine Enterprises
Company
LIZ MOORE M.B.E.
Tremendous news for both Liz and
work she has put in over the years, simply
out of the goodness of her heart. Ideas are
ten a penny but people who can put ideas
into practice and make them succeed are a
rare breed. Liz is one of those who combines
the qualities of foresight to back up her ideas
with the perseverance to carry them through
and the happy knack of leadership to build
the teams to sustain projects once established.
Without her the Tolmen Centre would never
have been – The Constantine Enterprises
Company would never have been – The
Calor Village of the Year Competition would
not have been won – The Gweder Myras
would not exist – Archetype the Parish
Printing Project would never have started
– There would be none of the ancillary
services provided in the Tolmen Centre –
The Café Tolmen, The Tolmen Theatre, The
Heritage Centre, The Homeopathic Service,
The Hairdresser (lately moved). Then there
are the multitude of other activities she
has undertaken – her service as a Parish
Councillor - her continuing leadership of
the Recreation Ground users group and her
bell ringing to mention the more obvious.
Being a stalwart member of St. Constantine
Church and singing in the choir means a lot
to her.
It is often said that behind every
great man stands a good woman. Well, in
this case, alongside this remarkable woman
stands a man of equal stature, for this is a
partnership. A partnership of such strength
that it has enabled Liz to branch out in the
ways she has. A partnership that has raised
and sent out into the world three children
(nearly a full time job in its own right) as
well as running a successful business in the
July 2008
Telephone
07766181041
village.
We at the Gweder Myras have
received consistent and uncritical support
from Liz since the beginning of our existence
5 years ago and are delighted to join the paean
of praise for this well deserved award in the
Queens Birthday Honours List.
Whilst on the subject congratulations
should also go to a man we see now and
again in the village, Paul Doubleday (Son
of George and Myra Doubleday who live in
Fore Street and have long been involved in
village life) who has received an O.B.E. as
Director of the British Mission in Syria and
whose next posting is to be to Georgia and
Azerbaijan and to David Muirhead for his
M.B.E. for voluntary service to the Cornish
Fishing Industry both of whom were also in
the Queens Birthday Honours List.
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
CONSTANTINE CARNIVAL
PHOTOGRAPHIC EXHIBITION
SATURDAY & SUNDAY
26TH AND 27TH JULY
IN THE SOCIAL CLUB
400 PHOTOS OF CARNIVALS
FROM THE 1940s UP TILL
THE PRESENT DAY.
MOVING TO
THE TOLMEN CENTRE
FROM 28TH - 31ST JULY.
Saying of the day.
Every gardener knows when his delicate
blooms will be destroyed by the next frost - it’s
TONIGHT!!!!! Mike Hodges
Vol. A.R.12 2 July 2008

because of their concern that proposed development is not

in proper proportion.
CONSTANTINE STORES The Police report spoke of visits to the homes of one
& or two young people to reinforce their presence, concern and
interest and to maintain a rapport that had been established.
POST OFFICE A warrant had been executed for the search of a property in
Fine Wines & Spirits a Speciality Fore Street and the investigation is ongoing.
Due to the changes in Local Government and the
creation of One Cornwall the Council is faced with choices
the largest stock of whisky in about the date of the next election. They may have an election
the west next year (2009) or in 2013. If 2009 is to be selected there
must be A.) Genuine local appetitie for such elections and
TELEPHONE 01326 340226 B.) A significant proportion of seats contested. The Council
discussed the matter and heard that at the moment there is
nothing firm about the care of roads, hedges, ditches etc.,
WEBSITE w.w.w.drinkfinder.co.uk
They decided to soldier on until 2013 by which time (as
one councillor put it) “The Unitary Authority will have had
Parish Council a chance to get going or mess up.”
The Council heard that the Recreation Ground
In the public question time at the beginning of users group is positive about the moves towards the new
the meeting the proposed development at Nans Avalon facilities for children. Insofar as the Car Park is concerned
in Brillwater Road was brought into focus with various the Clerk is still waiting for a reply to his numerous
objections concerning the trees, the water at the site and telephone calls to the Diosecan Land Agent who seems
subsequent run off endangering structures elsewhere. The to be so stretched for time as to be unable to reply. The
application will be discussed in full council later in the need for a leaf blower/sucker was reported and one will be
evening. purchased. (This reminds me of the story of the farmer who
Apologies were received and accepted and the had a portable machine which transferred seeds, by suction
minutes signed as a true record after being amended to from lorries to barns to silos or wherever and who loaned
include the name of Councillor Gray as having been present.it to a friend. The friend tried to use it to disperse a smelly
Councillor Gray joked that it was the second time recently stagnant pond on his land only for the machine to blow up.
that he seemed to have been invisible at Council meeting. He apologised to the farmer who, quite angrily pointed out
(Perhaps he could adopt the name Councillor Crimson????? that the machine was not for use in wet conditions and had
Ed.) a warning on the side to that effect which said:- “If at first
The Chairman remarked that the new fingerposts you don’t suck seed try dryer grain!” Ed.)
at Seworgan and Trengilly looked really nice and authentic The planning application for three new dwellings at
even though made of durable plastic. There are plans to Nans Avalon was discussed in full and the objections about
erect more similar replacements where necessary. tree lopping/felling, the loss of privacy, the waterlogged
Councillor Hatton has been touring the local roadsnature of the site, the likelihood of water run off from hard
with the Area Surveyor. The High Cross to Nancenoy standing being a danger to bridges and other structures
stretch, which had been removed from a list of work to be downstream, gross overdevelopment of the site, the
done has been replaced on the list and the road will need difficulty of access for emergency vehicles were all recorded
to be closed for the necessary repairs. The creation of a and mentioned in the objections from the Parish Council.
‘Disabled’ parking bay in Penbothidno cannot go ahead A letter had been received asking for support in
until (And I may have heard this wrongly) the County an endeavour to improve bus services through the village
Physiotherapist ascertains the severity of disability of likely
particularly on Sunday when it is possible for Constentenors
users. to travel to Falmouth by omnibus and spend a full 8 minutes
Councillor Hatton reported on the progress there before returning in the same way. The Council have
towards the unitary authority –nothing new there. He made a verbal approach to the bus company who appear to
spoke of the difficulty of dealing with the Duchy of Cornwall
be sympathetic.
over the Oyster Farm and the impact of expansion on the
local environment. Positions have become entrenched. The Next meeting Thursday 17th July.
environment agency is said to be withholding some funds
Vol. A.R. 12 3 July 2008

C. RUDRUM AND SONS two guided tours.

The last evening had a distinctly Spanish flavour as
(CORNWALL ) LTD. we were welcomed to the “Espace Culturelle” for Sangría
DIPLOMA COAL MERCHANTS and speeches from Gia and Christine (the English and
French presidents of the Twinning.). After presenting our
Reliable and regular deliveries gift of a complete Junior Cricket Kit, we devoured a huge
paella, talking and laughing together. It was brilliant to see
Redruth (01209) 215561/213365
the people of our two villages mix so fluidly, looking and
Camborne (01209) 713158 Stithians (01209)860385
feeling at home.
Falmouth (01326) 377345 Truro (01872) 274942
I heard that the ensuing Breton dancing was a good
Helston (01326) 573661 Mevagissey (01726) 842365
laugh, although I was outside playing football with the local
St. Austell (01726) 850462
youth. Well, they called it football.
After all the food and activity, I found it an effort
BARTON HOUSE, PARC ERISSEY
to rise in time to depart for the ferry. I can recommend
NEW PORTREATH, REDRUTH TR16 4HZ the twinning, as will anyone who took part in the weekend.
I have been to France with my family and on school trips
but experiencing it from this new perspective with our
Constantine Twinning Association welcoming hosts was an eye opener, as well as a stomach
Invasion of Pont Croix May 2008 stretcher. I can’t wait for the return match in Constantine
next year...
After months of expectation, the twinning Charlie Saunders
weekend “est arrivé.” A-level exams delayed the meeting
with our French hosts until the morning after the 30 other New Members welcome call Mary Owen on 250700
‘Constentenors’ descended on Pont Croix. Our bags had
hardly touched the floor before we were offered the first French Conversation (groups for beginners and
meal of the weekend. What a pleasant taste of things to intermediate-advanced) resumes in the Tolmen Centre
come. A beautifully presented tart filled with “Fruits de at 7pm on 16 September.
Mer.” Foolishly, we tucked into seconds, not realising this
was only the starter. §§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
That afternoon, Mum went off to a debate with
French ministers, politicians and other local worthies, while Happy Birthday Meryle
Dad and I were shown the best surfing spots. It's a pity
there was no opportunity to return with our kit! By Carolyn Reynolds
In the evening, the choir of the local music school
gave us a short concert and then another feast began. I Congratulations go to Mrs Meryle Bray who has just
sat with the “youth” and what ensued was total fear and celebrated her 80th Birthday. A Party, co-hosted by her
incomprehension as I tried to pick out one word in every daughter Christine, was held at her home. Friends and
hundred. Trying to grasp French is hard enough, without family gathered and ‘Friends in Harmony’ sang delightfully
some of the key words being shortened and spoken much to her enjoyment. The members of Constantine W. I.
backwards, in a sort of private language they called Vers presented a beautiful basket of flowers, instead of the more
Allons. usual posy or buttonhole, to one who had been a stalwart
Pétanque, the next day, was one of the highlights. member for so many years. Her wry wit to the fore Meryle
After a quick explanation from Pierrot and Ronan, we were observed that she would find it difficult to pin on her dress.
split into pairs with our French counterparts. Not being the A memorable celebration for a much loved and respected
strongest English player I had to hide my relief at managing lady.
to throw the boule in roughly the right direction.
I thought the most interesting visit was to the §§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Cider Farm, which produces 60,000 bottles of cider and
20,000 bottles of jus de pomme a year. The whole complex Beware the Bull. He may eye you up and down and from side
provides jobs for people in the community with disabilities. to side whilst only seeing you when he chooses.
The “dégustation du cidre” was enjoyed by all, especially Mike Hodges
those who were canny enough to get in on the first of the
Vol. A.R12 4 July 2008

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W H A T‘ S O N W H A T‘ S O N
CONSTANTINE SILVER BAND
CONSTANTINE HISTORY GROUP
When:- Saturday 19th July
When:- Friday 18th July What:- Brass and Voice Concert with
What:- Visit to RNLI Falmouth Constantine School Choir
Transport at 5.45 pm. Constantine M.V.C.
Trengilly Singers
Constantine School Samba Band
CONSTANTINE LADIES CIRCLE
Constantine Silver Band.
Where:- Recreation Ground
When:- Tuesday 29th July Time:- 7.30 pm
What:- Cream Tea Cost:- £3.50
Where:- Mr. & Mrs Littles
Time:- 2.15 pm When:- Sunday 20th July
What:- Brass on Grass with
Camborne Town Band
COTTAGE GARDEN SOCIETY
St. Keverne Band.
Helston Town Band.
Where:- Recreation Ground Time:- Parade 6.30
What:- Annual Summer Show Concert 7.00
When:- Saturday 19th July Cost:- Adults £7.00. Children £1.00
Time:- 2.00 pm
Cost:- Adults £2. Children Free,
CONSTANTINE CARNIVAL
HELFORD VMCA
When:- Saturday and Sunday
When:- Sunday 20th July 26th and 27th July.
What:- Visit to Duchy Oyster Farm
Time:- 2.30 pm What:- Parade through the village
Cost:- £2. Members Free. Arena Events [who can forget last years
Contact:- David 01326 341181 Horse? race]
Parachute Jumps
CONSTANTINE ARTS SOCIETY Swamp Circus
Fairground rides
When:- 26th July to 16th August Car stunt show
What:- Annual Exhibition. Stalls.
Photographic exhibition.
PORT NAVAS And all the usual fun of the Carnival.

When:- Saturday 2nd August Time:- Starts about 9.00 a.m. each day and
What:- Annual Regatta continues all day and into the evening.
Time:- 4.00 pm

When:- Sunday 3rd August Leisure pursuits are not a viable option when your next meal
What:- Carolaire on the quay runs faster than you do.
Time:- 7.30 pm. Mike Hodges
Vol/ A.R. 12 5 July 2008
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TEN PRESSED MEN
It has often been said that one volunteer is worth
ten pressed men. Well, thanks to a survey carried out in
Cornwall over the past few years we now have a more accurate
assessment of the value of volunteers to the community.
One in three adults do some voluntary work in the
County and that is worth £390 million per year. Bit of a jaw
dropper that isn’t it?
34 percent of the adult population do some kind of
volunteering.
28 percent of the adult population give up to 10
hours voluntary work per week and 6 percent give more.
37 percent of volunteers are men and 63 percent are
women.
3 percent of all volunteers are disabled, 6 percent are under
25, 40 percent are over 60 and 37 percent are unemployed.
There are at least 3,000 voluntary and community
organisations in Cornwall.
133,840 people volunteer in Cornwall and those in
this village who do anything associated with any voluntary Saturday 12th July with 20 minute taster treatments all day
group are counted amongst that number. You can be is a Beauty Salon called ‘The Treatment Room’. It will be
justifiably proud of yourselves.
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
From Alan Carter – Trengilly Farm
Some of you may know that Father and I write a piece in the her on 01326 340133 or 07967989171 or E. Mail her at
Herald in each month. You will then realise that my best clementsemma452@hotmail.com.
Jersey Cow has T.B. I am writing this piece to the Gweder
Myras to really give you some facts about Bovine T.B. and
how it is spread. Bovine T.B. can be spread from cattle to
cattle and from badger to cattle. As my Jersey – Duldie-
is the only reactor we have in 350 cattle T.B. must have
come from outside the herd. So we are left with the badger.
The badger is an animal that is top of its food chain so the
numbers are continually increasing. A badger can have T.B.
for 5 or 6 years then in the last 6 months it will lose weight
and energy and spread the disease to badgers and cattle.
A badger will become very desperate in the last
few months of life. During the winter we had them in our
cow yard looking for food. This isn’t the habit of a healthy
badger. So it would really help farming in this parish and
the wildlife if some people didn’t feed badgers. This just
prolongs their life. During this time they are suffering and
spreading disease to badgers and cattle. It is now also being
spread to domestic pets as well so the badger must not be
fed to prolong its suffering and increase the suffering of
innocent cattle and domestic pets. If a domestic per has
T.B. then it will have to be put down immediately.
NEW TO THE VILLAGE
Coming soon to the village and opening on
situated in the Green Room in the Tolmen Centre {Where
Mandy had her hair dressing salon] and will be run by
Emma Clements. Emma has been a beauty therapist for 14
years working mainly in 5 star spas all over the world. She
will be offering a full range of treatments using organic and
home made Cornish salt scrubs, oils and Trervarno skin
care, waxing, pedicures, manicures, aromatherapy. Later
she will add La Stone Therapy and Wedding Makeup. To
contact to Emma about the taster treatments yhou can ring
Margaret Laity thanks the villagers of Constantine for
helping to raise £700 at the recent Coffee Morning in
aid of the Childrens Hospice South West Precious Lives
Appeal.
Vol. A.R.12
One Consideration With Another
By Carolyn Reynolds
Returning to the village from a rare evening at the
Cinema (not the Tolmen Centre nor yet the Constantine
Ritz) we were greeted by an equally rare sight - two large
vehicles and a third tucked discreetly out of sight were
evidence of a Police presence in numbers which remained in
the vicinity beyond our bedtime. Late evening dog walkers,
passers by and neighbours witnessed a variety of puzzling
activities and some comings and goings. Not just a checking
of current road fund licence discs then!!!!!! CURIOSITY
WAS RUNNING HIGH.
In the cold clear light of the next morning everyone
played the game of ‘minding their own business’ and failed
–spectacularly. A topic so juicy had to produce theories,
opinions, comments and amusing remarks bandied about.
By pure chance I ‘caught’ a few and lay some of them out as
follows.
1. A hiding place for Osama Bin Laden – quickly
discounted due to a distinct lack of burkah clad ladies.
2. A T.V. Company filming a new production of
Midsommer Murders - also dismissed swiftly – not enough
dead bodies indeed none at all.
3. A favourite theory arose as a neighbour saw a
quantity of ‘Grow Bags’ in the area and assumed that there
had been a breach of the rules as laid down by the Cottage
Garden Society who had mobilised their disciplinary
committee to reprimand all involved.
4. Last but not least that a large hole had opened up in
a back garden and the Police were looking into it. BOOM
BOOM.
6 July 2008
Clearly something has been afoot (not simply twelve inches)
and we shall have to wait patiently until the full details
emerge.
A Policeman’s Lot Is Not A Nappy One.
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
June At The Tolmen.
By Carolyn Reynolds
Friday 6th June saw the last live music and
drama performance of the season. ‘The Horsemen of the
Apocalypse’ entertained as only they can. Ben and John
Salfield, Lutenist and Flamenco Guitarist respectively were
joined by Simon Stanton on percussion. Their technical
brilliance, musical understanding and laid back style were
fully appreciated and enjoyed.
For four weeks we have had a series of classic films.
A good friend and I went along to see “How to Marry a
Millionare”. This film from the 1950s has an Orchestral
introduction which lasts several minutes and was greeted
with a round of applause and then groans when we thought
it was about to be repeated. A slight technical hitch
interrupted the proceedings which was met with light
hearted banter and amusement. The evening ended with
mirth and hilarity as some of us swapped tales of ‘Saturday
morning’ pictures. (You don’t get this sort of fun in the
modern multi screen cinemas). We are looking forward
to the next four week run. (Incidentally - No Sign Of
Sidney)
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
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A rolling stone is a perilous nuisance if you meet it on the stairs
in the dark.
Mike Hodges
Vol. A.R.12 7 July 2008

CONSTENTENORS
SPIRAL CONSTRUCTION By Ronnie Rashleigh
LTD.,
Where are they now? Keith Tremayne.
Special Staircase Manufacturers
Turning Ideas Into Reality Keith was born on 20th July 1927 at Nangitha
Farm Budock, the home of his Maternal Grandparents then
taken back home to Carnammena Farm (Calamunny to us
WATER MA TROUT locals). Keith was the son of Percy and Henrietta (Ettie)
HELSTON TR13 0LW nee Ould. He left the Academy at 14 and worked on the
TELEPHONE 01326 574497 farm His grandfather had bought the farm after the Boer
FAX 01326 574760 War for £500. He had various other jobs including one on
E Mail enquiries@spiral.uk.com the Threshing machine with Joe Borden and Adolph the
ex P.O.W. When Adolph died his widow wrote to Keith
to tell him. He drove a Mobile Shop for Rame stores and
AMAZING GRATING owned a Vegetable Shop in Helston called Tremaynes Farm
Produce but his children were not interested so he sold the
Sunday 6th July dawned bright and clear to reveal Farm. Also worked at Culdrose and building sheds on his
a Red Golf GTI parked and partially blocking the entrance own but having ticker trouble had to give up and he now
to the trade parking area of the Post Office. It seemed to be lives in Helston.
leaning to one side, sort of askance, as it should have done
since the tyres on one side were completely shredded and Pat Van Den Berg 82 yrs 1926 – 2008.
the wheel rims bent and buckled whilst those on the other
side were whole and inflated. Had the ‘Golf ’ been driven Pat lived in Constantine for the majority of her life
for some distance with flat tyres? It certainly looked like it. with a spell in Holland and latterly Helston. Her family
Information from a local resident supports the view that the were going to give me more information but nothing as yet.
vehicle was driven up Fore Street making a terrible noise, She was married to Abraham Willem Van Den Berg and
referred to by one lady as an “Amazing Grating”, to where it had her 82nd birthday two weeks before she died.
now stands. Other information says that a recovery vehicle
was seen at the scene in the small hours of the morning. §§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Did the recovery vehicle bring the car? That seems unlikely
in view of the other evidence. So we are left with the
assumption that the recovery vehicle came but the driver CONSTANTINE W. I.
decided not to remove the Golf. Rumours flit and fly but
it is thought that the car belongs to someone in the house By Barbara Willoughby
that raised Police interest early in June. In keeping with the
Constantine sense of humour one or two comments graced The windows and doors of the W. I.Hall all stood open
the morning air. “See what I did drag racing!” “That’s what letting in a lovely breeze on a hot summer evening in June.
I call Tyre Slashing!” “Car for sale – two good wheels and Members were pleased to hear about our forthcoming
tyres.” “Come screeching to a halt did it?” “Golf!!! – That’s a birthday supper in July with a guided walk round the
hole in two.” “That’ll cost a pretty penny! And the rest?” village. Congratulations were given to those members who
contributed towards our prize winning entry at the Royal
Cornwall Show. Mr Les Merton continued the evening
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§ with his humorous short stories, poems and anecdotes
taken from his books including ventures abroad, radio
Saying of the Month and television interviews and meeting people from all
walks of life. His sense of humour and compassion were
The morning star seldom shines on the hidden recesses where evident. Our speaker on Monday 14th July will be Claire
the last lost marble lurks. Woodbine from Pinsla Gardens giving us a preview to whet
Mike Hodges our appetites before our visit in August. The W. I. always
welcomes visitors.
Vol A.R. 12 8 July 2008

READERS REQUESTS door in a village in the Andalucian foothills. Unhappily it

was market day and was used before it could be rescued.
Recently we have been inundated with requests He lives in hopes of official recognition of his poetic ability.
for biographical details about some of our occasional His latest attempt is, he says, deliberate satire.
correspondents and in accordance with our policy neatly
encapsulated as “the reader has to be appeased” here are A GENTLEMAN AND A SCHOLAR
two.
What a tarty little phrase
BOMBARDIER ELI JARLSBERG (Poet????) For damning with faint praise
One who is both Gentleman & Scholar
Eli (pronounced Ell Eee not Eel Eye) was found When each abominates
abandoned in a discarded biscuit tin in the middle of The other reprobates
Bosahan woods one dark and stormy night in August 1939. Indulgence in the vulgar use of Dollar.
He was conveyed to Helston Cottage Hospital where the
staff just saved his life. His rescuer, a Norwegian scientist I am that renegade
here to study the properties of Cornish water, visited the Whom nurture soon forbade
boy regularly and left money in trust for him. The nearest From accolade of Gentleman or Scholar
approximation to his name the nurses could pronounce Nor wit nor health disposes
was Jarlsberg. The boy was a lusty infant whose loud What natures way imposes.
cries resulted in the nurses calling him YELLI very soon I am a hapless juggler of the Dollar.
shortened and he became Eli Jarlsberg. Glossing over the
years of his childhood, mostly spent avoiding the truant
catcher or the village Bobby, we move on to his equally
obscure teenage years shrouded in mystery. What we do
Professor Maddsa Hatta
know is that he learnt to read and write in a Government
One of those people who, once seen is never
correctional institution. It was there that he learned the
forgotten however hard you try, Maddsa Hatta is variously
sheer beauty of disciplined and free form poetry and wrote
described as a very tall, short, fat, thin, red haired, bald,
his first work about his feelings:-
clean shaven man with a bushy beard. His voice is said to be
Bars and Bricks curtail my day.
particularly sweet, strident, tuneful, toneless, harmonious,
Barbed wire and grim purpose keep me here.
grating, raucous and soft. What all agree on is the faint
It does not matter what I say
but overpowering odour from his feet ( or the drains have
Or when I say it,
sprung a leak.) His early research into genetic engineering
I am here - and here - I stay.
resulted in an appearance at the local courts charged with
In common with many of his generation he was
an unspeakable offence. His defence of consent from the
‘called up’ to do his National Service but was soon discharged
animal (“she was the only one that would stand still for me!”)
since his two left feet [an anatomical defect not a figure
was rejected and he was sentenced to 200 hours community
of speech], one a size 10 and the other a size 15, ruined
service. It proved very difficult to place him until the naïve
the careful symmetry of any parade he attended. At his
simplicity of our editor gave him a chance. After 10 fraught
demobilisation he reasoned that as many ex soldiers carried
minutes a deal was struck wherein he promised never to
their service rank into civilian life [Major this, Colonel
visit the office again and the Editor agreed to publish
that, Captain the other] there was no reason why he should
written details of his scientific research. We understand
not do the same. He never actually reached the rank of
that his next item for publication is to be:- “ A Paradigm
bombardier but he liked the sound of it and has become
of Pancakes.” He wishes it to be known that he attended
so fond of it that he refuses to answer when otherwise
Blacksheep University where he gained two degrees, one in
addressed [except for the Editor whom he fawns upon in
comparative lycanthropy and the other in pure and applied
the most sickening manner asking to be called Jarlsey. Eugh!
digital signalling and is therefore entitled to have the letters
ED]. Since his return he has lived as best he can, a reclusive
BA BA Blacksheep after his name.
life in the woods, fields, barns and trees surrounding the
Helford River briefly appearing with a new poem as the
STOP PRESS:- The leapfrog team are currently on a tour
spirit moves him. His “ The Toad in the Hole is no Goal for a
of Tierra Del Fuego whence no electronic messaging can
Pole” very nearly won him international acclaim when a well
go. We hope to have a written report before they return in
worn copy was discovered hanging on the inside of a toilet
Auguist.