LOST and Found in IKEA

LOST
(AND FOUND)
IN IKEA
by
Gary Ray Stapp
Toll Free: (800) 950-7529
Phone: (319) 368-8008
Fax: (319) 368-8011
Heuer Publishing
PO Box 248
Cedar Rapids, IA 52406
customerservice@heuerpub.com
editor@heuerpub.com
FREE PERUSAL DOWNLOADS WEEKLY

www.heuerpub.com
LOST (AND FOUND) IN IKEA
By Gary Ray Stapp
Copyright © MMXVIII by Gary Ray Stapp, All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-61588-430-8
CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that this Work is subject to a royalty.
This Work is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and all
countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, whether through
bilateral or multilateral treaties or otherwise, and including, but not limited to, all countries
covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention, the Universal Copyright Convention and
the Berne Convention.
RIGHTS RESERVED: All rights to this Work are strictly reserved, including professional and
rm fo l
amateur stage performance rights. Also reserved are: motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public
rfo ot sa
reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all forms of mechanical or
electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, CD-I, DVD, information and storage retrieval systems
ce
and photocopying, and the rights of translation into non-English languages.
r
pe N ru
PERFORMANCE RIGHTS AND ROYALTY PAYMENTS: All amateur and stock

performance rights to this Work are controlled exclusively by Heuer Publishing LLC. No amateur
or stock production groups or individuals may perform this play without securing license and
an
royalty arrangements in advance from Heuer Publishing LLC. Questions concerning other rights
Pe
should be addressed to Heuer Publishing LLC. Royalty fees are subject to change without notice.
Professional and stock fees will be set upon application in accordance with your producing
circumstances. Any licensing requests and inquiries relating to amateur and stock (professional)
performance rights should be addressed to Heuer Publishing LLC.
Royalty of the required amount must be paid, whether the play is presented for charity or profit
and whether or not admission is charged.
AUTHOR CREDIT: All groups or individuals receiving permission to produce this Work must
give the author(s) credit in any and all advertisement and publicity relating to the production of
this Work. The author’s billing must appear directly below the title on a separate line where no
other written matter appears. The name of the author(s) must be at least 50% as large as the title
of the Work. No person or entity may receive larger or more prominent credit than that which is
given to the author(s).
PUBLISHER CREDIT: Whenever this Work is produced, all programs, advertisements, flyers
or other printed material must include the following notice: Produced by special arrangement
with Heuer Publishing LLC.
COPYING: Any unauthorized copying of this Work or excerpts from this Work is strictly
forbidden by law. No part of this Work may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or
transmitted in any form, by any means now known or yet to be invented, including photocopying
or scanning, without prior permission from Heuer Publishing LLC.

HEUER PUBLISHING LLC
P.O. BOX 248 • CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA 52406
TOLL FREE (800) 950-7529 • FAX (319) 368-8011
2 LOST (AND FOUND) IN IKEA

By Gary Ray Stapp
SYNOPSIS: Can two strangers find love at IKEA? Possibly—with a playful

ghost involved. Winifred and Lex are both lonely hearts, but neither of them
is convinced that true love can be found while shopping. Winifred’s brother
and Lex’s deceased wife think differently and have decided to play cupid for
their reluctant loved ones, who unexpectedly find themselves wrestling with
love-at-first-sight. Unfortunately, the budding romance is distracted by
mayhem of all sorts when a homeless man and a shopaholic ex-con fight over
an alarm clock, while a snarky, bitter married couple play a convoluted game
of hide-and-seek that eventually leads to several of them literally losing their
rm fo l
shirts. Luckily, the store security guard has words of wisdom for all, but even
rfo ot sa
his hands are full when a protest organizer launches into the National Anthem.
But when push comes to shove, all is well that ends well when those who are
ce
lost in IKEA find love where they least expected it.
r
pe N ru
CAST OF CHARACTERS
an (5 females, 5 males)
Pe
DEAR WIFE (f) .............................. An unpleasant woman. (98 lines)

DEAR HUSBAND (m) ................... A man whose mouth gets him into trouble
with his wife. (79 lines)
ISAIAH (m) .................................... A homeless man who has found refuge at
IKEA. (97 lines)
DOT (f) ........................................... A loyal IKEA customer with
determination and a degree of notoriety.
(44 lines)
WINIFRED (f) ................................ A not-so-ordinary young woman
reluctantly looking for love. (326 lines)
STEFFAN (m) ................................ Winifred’s brother. Likeable, but has a
history of irresponsibility. (78 lines)
LEX (m) .......................................... A likeable, unpresuming clinical
psychologist, recently widowed. (407
lines)
MAGS (f) ........................................ Lex’s deceased wife, who even in death
doesn’t take things too seriously. (172
lines)
GARY RAY STAPP 3
OZ (m) ............................................ An IKEA security guard with celestial

wisdom. (123 lines)
MRS. PEALE (f) ............................. A candidate for the looney bin. (37 lines)
Extras of any number that can wander through the background “shopping.”
DURATION: 90 minutes
TIME: The present
PLACE: An IKEA store in a city near you.
SET
rm fo l
A “bedroom showcase” of an IKEA furniture store, complete with various
rfo ot sa
product displays and inventories (i.e. pillows, linens, etc.) at stage right and
stage left. At center stage is a bed, covered with an extremely plush, attractive
ce
comforter and multiple pillows flanked by a night table with a small lamp and
r
pe N ru
an alarm clock. Up stage on the back wall is a pair of dressers. One of the
dressers contains Isaiah’s clothes. At up stage right is an entrance that opens
an
upon a painted pathway on the floor that meanders down stage, around the
Pe
bed, then up stage to a similar entrance/exit at upstage left. At stage left is an

emergency exit door, complete with an exit alarm.
PROPS
□ Purse with cell phone and $100 bill (Dear Wife)

□ Shopping cart (Dot)
□ Purse with journal (Winifred)
□ Waste basket (Lex)
□ Bar stools (Lex)
□ Shopping list (Lex)
□ Hangers (Lex)
□ Luggage (Lex)
□ Cell phone (Oz)
□ Clipboard and pen (Mrs. Peale)
□ Picket signs (Mrs. Peale)
□ Duffel bag, paint can, roller, extension handle (Mrs. Peale)
□ Alarm pass (Oz)
PREMIERE PRODUCTION
LOST (AND FOUND) IN IKEA was originally produced by the Chamber

Players Community Theatre in Garnett, KS, under the direction of Gary Ray
Stapp and with the following cast:
DEAR WIFE .......................................................... Lori Barcus

DEAR HUSBAND .......................................... Chuck Hampton
ISAIAH ..................................................................Les Thomas
DOT ..................................................................... Tracey Welch
WINIFRED................................................... Kristina Hamilton
STEFFAN .................................................................Chad Betts
rm fo l
LEX .............................................................. Jamison Brummel
rfo ot sa
MAGS .................................................................... Casey King
OZ............................................................. Gary Rommelfanger
ce
MRS. PEALE ..................................................... Wanda Taylor
r
pe N ru
an
Pe
Dedication
For our dear friends, Gary and Kathy Rommelfanger

GARY RAY STAPP 5
ACT ONE
AT RISE: DEAR WIFE (DW) and DEAR HUSBAND (DH) are

browsing.
DW: What do you think of this? Isn’t it cute?

DH: (Monotone.) It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. (Looks at
the price tag.) Especially for $38.99.
DW: (Hands DH her purse and picks up another item.) I’m not sure
which I like best, the blue or the green. What do you think? Blue
or green?
DH: I don’t care.
rm fo l
DW: (Spies the bedspread, takes her purse back, then rushes over to
rfo ot sa
the bed.) Look at this comforter! It’s gorgeous! Don’t you think?
DH: It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
ce
DW: Watch yourself, Dear Husband. If you put me in a bad mood I
r
pe N ru
won’t play nice.

DH: Dear Wife, you don’t play nice when you’re in a good mood.
an
DW: And whose fault is that? Who likes to get me wound up with little
Pe
remarks like “Pump the brakes on your broomstick,” or “Satan

called—he wants his pitchfork back,” or that “kaaw-kaaw-kaaw”
mocking parrot mimicry that really rattles my cage? Any guesses
who that might be?
DH: I’m thinking that’s probably me. But, at least you admit to having
a cage.
DW: Do you know what your problem is, Dear Husband?
DH: Yes, but I’d be positively tickled pink to hear your version.
DW: You enjoy annoying me, that’s your problem.
DH: A guy has to have a little fun.
DW: And as usual, your fun is steadily shifting my mood toward the
dark and ugly side of my psyche, from which unimaginable pain and
suffering will soon be unleashed upon you.
DH: Not really unimaginable. I’ve experienced your wrath before. At
least we BOTH get to suffer for a change.
DW: (Laughs.) Oh, you silly man. I’ve been suffering with you since
our wedding day!
DH: (Dryly.) God I love spending time with you!
DW: No you don’t.
DH: No, I don’t.

DW: See! There you go again, Dear Husband, intentionally trying to
irritate me.
DH: I don’t try… it just kind of escalates in that direction.
DW: Well, stop it. And I’m serious! I have really had about all I can
take for one day.
DH: Sorry, I had planned to ration your irritation. I’ll try to be good. No
more pleasure for me for the rest of the day. I promise.
DW: (Remembering.) Speaking of pleasure! (Hits DH with her purse.)
DH: Ow! What was that for? (Pause.) Specifically?
DW: I just remembered a dream I had last night and you were in it and
you made me mad!
rm fo l
DH: Wow, I’m good. I can make you mad without even participating.
rfo ot sa
So, what did I do? Did I dress up like a sheep and throw off your
count?
ce
DW: You were no sheep. You were … drunk, barely clothed, and
r
pe N ru
shamelessly – engaged – with some bimbo and having way too

much fun for a married man.
an
DH: Why can’t I have dreams like that?!
Pe
DW: Do you really want to go there? (Exasperated.) Let’s just stop all
this bickering and make the best of our shopping day here.
DH: Day? A whole day… of shopping… with ME?!
DW: (Pinches his check.) Yes, my precious!
DH: Yippy. (Looks at his watch.) And look at the time! We’ve only been
here for an hour and a half, and yet it feels like I’ve been here long
enough to start drawing social security. I’m going to wait in the car.
DW: No, you’re not.
DH: Please? We’d both be happier.
DW: We’re married, we’re not supposed to be happy. (Hands DH her
purse to carry.) And besides, we haven’t found what I’m looking for
yet.
DH: What are you looking for?
DW: I don’t know, exactly, but I’ll know it when I find it. Oh! Look at
that! (Hurries to a table of items and picks one up and admires it.)
What do you think, dear? Do you like it? And don’t you dare say “it’s
the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.”
DH: Is… Is that what you’ve been looking for?!
DW: Uh… no.
GARY RAY STAPP 7
DH: Then it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
DW: That’s it. I’ve had enough! (Swipes her purse back.) We’re
leaving. I was an idiot to bring you shopping with me. (Crosses
stage left.)
DH: I couldn’t agree with you more. (Follows DW.)
DW and DH exit upstage left. At once, an alarm clock goes off. A hand
reaches out from under the comforter and shuts off the alarm. Then
ISAIAH sits up in bed, stretches and crosses to a dresser and gets his
pants and shirt and socks and shoes and begins to get dressed as DOT
enters upstage right pushing a nearly empty cart. She spies the alarm
clock and picks it up and looks it over. ISAIAH sees her put the clock
rm fo l
in her cart.
rfo ot sa
ISAIAH: Hey, lady! (Rushes to DOT and takes the alarm clock from
ce
her cart.) This clock is mine!
r
pe N ru
DOT: (Snatches the clock back.) I don’t think so. I found it first.
ISAIAH: You didn’t find anything. This is where I put it.
an
DOT: (Reluctantly giving in.) I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were buying
Pe
it. (Hands clock back to him.)

ISAIAH: I’m not buying it. It’s already mine.
DOT: Prove it.
ISAIAH: I don’t have to prove anything.
DOT: Fine. (Swipes clock back.) Then it’s for sale!
ISAIAH: (Takes it back from her.) It’s not for sale!
DOT: (Getting nose to nose with him.) Everything in here is for sale…
SIR. That’s why they call this place a store. And in a store, one
does shopping. And I’m a shopper… who just happens to be
shopping for a clock.
ISAIAH: Not this clock. Do you see a price tag on it? Hum? (Shows
DOT all sides of the clock.) No? That’s because it’s not for sale. It’s
mine.
DOT: Are you telling me you brought an alarm clock from your house
to IKEA? Most people just wear a watch.
ISAIAH: Who said I brought this clock from home?
DOT: Well, if you didn’t buy it and you didn’t bring it with you, then how
is this clock yours?
ISAIAH: Because, possession is seven-tenths of the law.
DOT: It’s nine-tenths of the law, not seven.

ISAIAH: Whatever. Now if you want one like it, just follow those quirky
little arrows. Eventually you will come upon a display of 50 alarm
clocks just like this one, except they will have price tags. Now, go…
just scoot along. Go… that way.
DOT: Not so fast. There’s something not right about you.
ISAIAH: I was thinking the same thing about you.
DOT: I saw a security guard earlier, and if I see him again, I’m going
to tell him about you.
ISAIAH: Spill your guts. No skin off my teeth.
DOT: Uh-huh. We’ll see. So, 50 clocks… that way, you say?
ISAIAH: Sure. Cross my heart.
rm fo l
DOT: I don’t believe you!
rfo ot sa
ISAIAH: I don’t care.
DOT: I’m going to have that clock.
ce
ISAIAH: Seriously, lady, there are other clocks like this one in the
r
pe N ru
store!
DOT: I don’t want other clocks, I want that one.
an
ISAIAH: Well, you’re not getting it.
Pe
DOT: We’ll see.

ISAIAH: Lady, I’m bigger, stronger, and… and a lot better looking than
you. What makes you think you’re going to leave IKEA with this
clock?
DOT: (Offers him her hand.) My name is Dot.
ISAIAH: (Suspicious.) So?
DOT: You’ve probably heard of me.
ISAIAH: I doubt it.
DOT: I’m sure you have. It was a big news story.
ISAIAH: (Unimpressed.) Really. (Finishes getting dressed.)
DOT: Last Christmas, an altercation developed between two women
over the last Owlicorn Hatchimal to be found anywhere in the five-
state area.
ISAIAH: Owlicorn Hatchimal? What the hell is that?
DOT: Doesn’t matter. The point is, these two women, normally
rational, started a brawl right in the store. There was punching and
screaming and cursing and clawing—a bar fight would have been
less violent.
ISAIAH: (Doubtful.) Really?
GARY RAY STAPP 9
DOT: Yes, REALLY. It was an eye-gouging, clothes shredding, hair-

pulling wrestling match on the floor of that toy aisle that drew a
crowd of frenzied spectators recording every gruesome detail on
their cell phones. That fight lit up the internet! Facebook, Instagram,
viral videos everywhere!
ISAIAH: OK. I did hear about that. So what? You made a video and
uploaded it to YouTube. Big deal.
DOT: I didn’t upload anything you dope. I was the star.
ISAIAH: The star?
DOT: Unfortunately, my co-star happened to rise from the floor with
victory in her hands. But, (Smiling devilishly.) she did lose most of
one ear. (Bites the air.) Did I mention blood was everywhere? I left
rm fo l
that store in handcuffs, but worse than that, I left without a
rfo ot sa
completed shopping list. So, Mr. Big Shot, do you know what that
makes me?
ce
ISAIAH: Un-dateable.
r
pe N ru
DOT: It makes me an ex-con. And just so you know, I don’t intend to

EVER lose a shopping battle again.
an
Pe
DOT bites at ISAIAH, then crosses to exit upstage left as WINIFRED

enters upstage right.
DOT: Have a nice day.

ISAIAH: (Touches his ear and watches as she leaves.) You … you
don’t scare me!
WINIFRED: (Seeing ISAIAH from the back she quickly walks up
behind him and taps him on the shoulder.) Steffan? Steffan, is that
you?
ISAIAH: AHHHH! (Turns around and looks at WINIFRED.)
WINIFRED: Oh sorry, I thought you were Steffan. Of course you’re
not Steffan. Actually, you don’t look anything like him. I’m sorry, I
frightened you. (Starts to cross stage.)
ISAIAH: You didn’t scare me. I was – I was just – distracted.
(Recognition.) Hey, lady! Didn’t I see you in here yesterday?
WINIFRED: Yes, you did. You had assumed I needed help finding my
way out of this store.
ISAIAH: Uh-huh. And you were here the day before that.
WINIFRED: Correct.
ISAIAH: And the day before that.

WINIFRED: I, I was here… for… for several days, I suppose. I’ve lost
track, actually.
ISAIAH: Ah, I thought so. You are lost, aren’t you?
WINIFRED: Lost?
ISAIAH: You’ve been trapped here in IKEA for days. And you can’t
find your way out of the store, am I right?
WINIFRED: Uh… no.
ISAIAH: Nailed it. So, if you want, I can help you get out of here. It’ll
just cost you $5 bucks.
WINIFRED: I––I don’t want to get out of here.
ISAIAH: Why not? You gotta be dyin’ to get out of this place. And you
rm fo l
can’t just live here day and night. Besides, if you stay here around
rfo ot sa
the clock, you’ll ruin it for me. No joking, I gotta good thing going
here, but I don’t need a roomie. You know what I mean?
ce
WINIFRED: I—I have no idea what you’re talking about.
r
pe N ru
ISAIAH: Lady—
WINIFRED: Please, don’t call me lady. My name is Winifred.
an
ISAIAH: Seriously?
Pe
WINIFRED: Yes.
ISAIAH: Whatever. So, Winnie—
WINIFRED: Don’t call me Winnie. My name is Winifred.
ISAIAH: Alright, alright. Winifred it is. So, like I was saying, since you
said you were lost—
WINIFRED: I’m not lost.
ISAIAH: Lady—
WINIFRED: Winifred.
ISAIAH: Winifred, you just told me you were lost when I asked if you
couldn’t find your way out of this store!
WINIFRED: I did not. You said, and I quote: “You’ve been trapped
here in IKEA for days.” Unquote.
ISAIAH: Yeah, you’re right. That’s what I said.
WINIFRED: And I answered you with “No” because you weren’t right.
I have not been trapped here. I did not answer “No” as an
acknowledgment to your question, I quote, “You can’t find your way
out of this store, am I right?” unquote.
ISAIAH: (Looks at her blankly for a beat.) I’m sorry.
WINIFRED: Apology accepted.
GARY RAY STAPP 11
ISAIAH: No, no, no. I’m not apologizing. I’m just sorry I talked to you
in the first place.
STEFFAN enters and WINIFRED hurries to him.
WINIFRED: Steffan!
STEFFAN: Winifred, what’s wrong?
WINIFRED: Please, tell me it’s not him. (Points at ISAIAH as he looks
at her dumbfounded.)
STEFFAN: It’s not him.
WINIFRED: Thank god. I think that man is a little mad.
ISAIAH: Oh, I’m a little mad alright. But you, LADY, are nuts. (Looks
rm fo l
at his clock and peers off upstage left.) Along with another broad I
rfo ot sa
just met. (Replaces the clock on the night table then exits upstage
right.)
ce
WINIFRED: Steffan, I’ve been to IKEA every day this week. You said
r
pe N ru
I would meet someone special. But I haven’t. Not anyone.

STEFFAN: Patience, dear sister. Patience.
an
WINIFRED: This is ridiculous. I’m not going to meet anyone here!
Pe
You know it, and I know it.

STEFFAN: No you don’t. And yes, I do. Come on, have a little faith.
WINIFRED: In you?
STEFFAN: Yes.
WINIFRED: Why should I? You have let me down before. On our
father’s last birthday, you promised me you’d come and spend time
with him, but you didn’t.
STEFFAN: Okay. One time.
WINIFRED: High School prom. It was supposed to be my dream date
with Conrad Covington, and you were supposed to take me
shopping for a dress. But you didn’t! Instead you just disappeared
for five weeks. I missed my prom.
STEFFAN: Conrad? He was a nerd. You didn’t miss anything, trust
me.
WINIFRED: And then when I was about to enroll in college, you let
your addiction nearly kill you. Dad had to spend his savings, my
college tuition, on getting you well.
STEFFAN: Okay, so I’ve disappointed you a few times.
WINIFRED: Steffan, I have a list!
STEFFAN: Okay, okay. I’m sorry. But I’m trying to make it up to you
now.
WINIFRED: By setting me up on a blind date?
STEFFAN: It’s not a date, really.
WINIFRED: That’s what you said it was. And I quote, “Think of it as a
blind date, Winifred. An adventure. And you need some adventure
in your life.” Unquote.
STEFFAN: Okay, so I implied it was a date.
WINIFRED: Not implied. Said. Quote “a blind date” unquote.
STEFFAN: Okay, okay. But an adventure… that was my point. You
need adventure in your life, Winnie.
WINIFRED: Don’t call me Winnie. I hate that.
rm fo l
STEFFAN: Sorry, sis. But come on, you must admit it’s been nice for
rfo ot sa
you to get out of the house and have some fun! Right?
WINIFRED: This isn’t fun.
ce
STEFFAN: Well, at least it’s something out of the ordinary.
r
pe N ru
WINIFRED: Shopping for a husband. That is certainly out of the

ordinary for me.
an
STEFFAN: Dad’s gone now. It’s time you started living your own life.
Pe
WINIFRED: But here? In IKEA? Steffan, this is just too… weird.

STEFFAN: Maybe it is weird. But it can happen. Trust me, I know.
Just think positive.
WINIFRED: What I think is… that you are delusional. Delusional.
That’s a good title for today’s entry in my journal. (Sits on the edge
of the bed and takes a journal from her purse.)
STEFFAN: Fine. Call me delusional. I will try to be gracious when my
plan proves you wrong.
WINIFRED: Plan? This is a plan?
STEFFAN: Just work with me, OK? Now, while you are wasting your
time writing in that book of yours, I’m going to have a look around
and see if I can spot him.
WINIFRED: I won’t hold my breath.
STEFFAN: He’s your soulmate, sis. You gotta believe me. (Exits
upstage left.)
WINIFRED: Uh-huh. And I quote “he’s your soulmate, sis. And you’re
going to meet him in IKEA.” Unquote. (Takes her pen and opens
the journal and begins to write.) Delusional …
GARY RAY STAPP 13
LEX enters upstage right carrying an IKEA shopping bag and a pair of
bar stools. He is distantly followed by MAGS, who watches his every
move.
LEX: (Sighing, he sets the bar stools down.) I’m glad sofas weren’t on
her list. (Takes a shopping list from his pocket.) Let’s see. I’ve got
the waste basket, the plastic cupcake molds, the pink picture frame
– I don’t know why pink? – a set of chrome drawer knobs, the pair
of bar stools. Hangers? (Looks up and spies the hangers, then tucks
the list back in his pocket and crosses to downstage left table
stacked with a variety of clothes hangers. He looks them over,
picking up one bundle, changing his mind and picking up a different
rm fo l
hanger bundle.)
rfo ot sa
MAGS: (Steps up beside him.) The wooden ones are nicer. I’d chose
those.
ce
LEX: Thanks. (Takes the bundle of hangers without looking at her.)
r
pe N ru
MAGS: Don’t forget to mark them off my shopping list, Lex.

LEX: Don’t worry, Mags. I’ll mark them off. (Takes a few steps away
an
as he takes the list from his pocket. Suddenly, reality hits him like a
Pe
train. His looks out, his eyes wide. Slowly he turns to her.) Mags?!
MAGS: Hello, Lex.
LEX: You’re…you’re—
MAGS: Here? Yes, I’m here.
LEX: No—you’re… you’re dead!
MAGS: Oh, that! Yes, that’s true.
LEX: But you don’t look dead.
MAGS: Well, maybe it’s the lighting in here. Don’t get too close!
LEX: How—?
MAGS: How what?
LEX: How… how are you here?
MAGS: It’s complicated.
LEX: Why are you here?
MAGS: Now that’s a secret. (Indicating the chairs.) Oh, Lex, you did
good. I love these chairs! They have carts you know.
LEX: I know. But for now, they’re no bother. I’m not sure I’m going to
buy them anyway.
MAGS: You won’t.
LEX: How do you know?
MAGS: They’re not your taste. They’re mine. And I don’t need them.
And you don’t like them.
LEX: But they’re on your list.
MAGS: To hell with my list.
LEX: To hell with your IKEA shopping list? Then why did you leave it?
MAGS: It’s been pinned to the bulletin board for months. You just didn’t
notice it, like a lot of other things. And you know what I mean.
LEX: No, I don’t. And I don’t understand this, either!
MAGS: This? What this?
LEX: You. Are you a ghost? Is that what you are? A spirit of some
sort? Except, you look so real… as if I could reach out and touch
you. (Begins to reach out to MAGS.)
rm fo l
MAGS: No, no, no. You don’t want to do that. My body is in some
rfo ot sa
sort of half-here-half-not-here dimension. I think I might be a little
gooey to the touch, and we both know that would trip you out.
ce
LEX: Are you saying you’re a poltergeist?
r
pe N ru
MAGS: I’m not sure. Maybe I am a poltergeist! I actually like the

sound of that!
LEX: I don’t.
an
Pe
MAGS: Don’t worry, I’m not going to start throwing things. I haven’t
quite figured out how to move objects… yet. Besides, I’m actually
here to do something nice… for you.
LEX: Nice? Like… like what?
MAGS: I’m here to help you find someone!
LEX: But I’m not looking for anyone.
MAGS: I know. And that’s part of the problem.
LEX: Problem?
MAGS: Yes. The problem of helping you find someone.
LEX: Mags, there is no one to find. I haven’t lost anyone. Besides you.
And that happened twice.
MAGS: I’m sorry.
LEX: I got over it.
MAGS: Did you?
LEX: Mags, why are you here?
MAGS: Answer my question first. Did you get over it?
LEX: By it, you mean your death?
MAGS: No, Lex, I’m talking about the first time you lost me.
LEX: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
GARY RAY STAPP 15
MAGS: Yes, you do. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know
what was going on. It was as obvious as my IKEA shopping list—
right under your nose. You just didn’t want to admit it.
LEX: Are you psychoanalyzing me?
MAGS: You have to come to terms with it sooner or later.
LEX: Then I choose later.
Suddenly, DEAR WIFE and DEAR HUSBAND burst in upstage left.

MAGS moves away and sits next to WINIFRED on the bed and
watches her write.
DW: (Bumping roughly into LEX as she waves her purse.) THIS is
rm fo l
ridiculous! I told you, we’ve been this way before.
rfo ot sa
DH: (To LEX.) Sorry.
DW: Yes you are! A sorry excuse for a man. Now swallow your pride
ce
and ask someone for help! (Points to LEX.) Like him!
r
pe N ru
DH: (Turns to LEX.) Pardon me, but we’re having a bit of trouble
finding the exit. Do you know which way we need to go?
an
LEX: I – uh—I have no idea. This is my first time in IKEA. Have you
Pe
tried following the arrows on the floor? I imagine they lead to

somewhere.
DW: Those arrows are all over the place, you moron, and they lead to
nowhere!
DH: Dear, calm down. (Leads her away from LEX.) I’ll ask someone
else for directions. I saw a security guard earlier. I’m sure he’ll help.
DW: That oaf! I saw him too, standing around talking to himself like
some idiot.
DH: He was talking on a cell phone.
DW: Trust me, he couldn’t find his way out of an elevator with the doors
wide open. I have a better idea.
DH: When haven’t you?
DW: We will split up. (DEAR HUSBAND celebrates with a fist-pump.)
You go that way. And I’ll go this way. You have your cell phone, so
whichever one of us finds the exit, calls the other. (Takes her phone
out of her purse, as she does, a hundred-dollar bill falls on the floor
unnoticed by either of them, but is noticed by WINIFRED. DEAR
WIFE checks her phone.) So, you’ll call me, right?
DH: Right.
DW: I’m serious. (Exits upstage right.)

DH: So am I. I’ll call you… (Under his breath as he begins to exit
opposite.) I’ll call you something.
WINIFRED: Oh, sir! (Hurries and picks up the money.) Sir!
DH: Yeah?
WINIFRED: Your wife dropped this money.
DH: (Hesitant.) Are you sure?
MAGS: Of course, she’s sure.
WINIFRED: Yes, quite sure.
DH: Oh! (Takes the money.) Well, that’s—-that’s very kind of you.
Wow, a hundred dollars. I had no idea we had that kind of cash. I
had better find her before she realizes she’s lost this and finds some
rm fo l
way to make it my fault.
rfo ot sa
WINIFRED: Your wife—I noticed she’s not feeling well today.
DH: You mean, you noticed she’s a little cranky.
ce
MAGS: Oh, yeah. We noticed alright. Who wouldn’t?!
r
pe N ru
WINIFRED: I’m sorry. I just meant—well, you seem like a very nice
man.
an
DH: Thank you. And you are very polite––
Pe
MAGS: And she’s honest, too––

DH: (Holds up the money.) ––and a very honest young lady as well.
MAGS: Polite and honest. Two very nice qualities in a woman, don’t
you think, Lex?
LEX: (Anxious MAGS is going to reveal herself as a ghost.) Shsssss!
DW: (From offstage.) I KNEW IT! (Enters upstage right with a charge.)
How on earth did you manage to get my money from my purse?!
DH: I didn’t.
WINIFRED: He didn’t.
MAGS: Yeah, lady, he didn’t.
DW: (To WINIFRED.) How do you know?
WINIFRED: Well, it appeared to have fallen from your purse.
DW: Really? Hmmm, you know you remind me of someone I dreamt
about last night. (Smacks DEAR HUSBAND. Looks around.)
SECURITY! PICK-POCKET HERE!
DH: Are you mad?! Darling, this nice young woman merely saw you
drop the money from your purse and kindly returned it to me. So
calm down! (To WINIFRED.) I’m very sorry.
GARY RAY STAPP 17
DW: An unlikely story. And you, don’t call me darling. There is nothing
darling about me, and we both know it.
MAGS: Lex, do something!
LEX: (To the rescue.) Pardon me. I couldn’t help overhearing—
DW: Well—spies, too! Pick-pockets and spies. I’ve had enough of this
place!
OZ: (Enters upstage left.) Did somebody call for security?!
DW: I did.
OZ: What’s the problem, ma’am?
DW: She stole my money, right out of my purse!
WINIFRED: I did not!
MAGS: She did not!
rm fo l
DW: Your word against mine.
rfo ot sa
MAGS: And my word against yours.
LEX: Uh, Mags, you should probably stay out of this.
ce
DH: Officer, my wife is mistaken. This young lady did not steal
r
pe N ru
anything.
DW: (To DH.) You stay out this. (To OZ.) My dear husband is obviously
an
under the influence of this little tart.
Pe
MAGS: Hey! It’s not nice to call someone a name like that, you old
hag!
LEX: Mags… please! Officer, there has been a misunderstanding. I
witnessed the entire incident. This pretty lady merely picked the
money up from the floor and was returning it.
DW: Officer, are you going to believe them or me?
OZ: Actually, I’m not an officer. I’m a security guard.
DW: Tweedle-DEE, tweedle-DUM. Just answer me.
OZ: Well, actually, I saw what happened. It was just as this gentleman
said.
DW: And you saw that from way over God-knows-where?
OZ: Pretty much. I have extraordinary eyesight.
DW: (Glares at OZ, then examines his name badge.) Oz, is it? (Flicks
the badge.) I’m going to speak to your manager! (Storms off, exiting
upstage right.)
DH: (To OZ.) Sorry, sir. My wife, she’s been in a very bad mood
lately… well, quite a while, actually.
MAGS: Probably since birth, I’m guessing.
DH: I’m sure your job is safe. She’s mostly just bark, very little bite.
Usually.
OZ: I’m not worried about my job. But, you might want to catch her
before you lose her.
DH: (Thinks for a beat.) No thanks. I’ll go this way. (Exits upstage left.)
OZ: Now, if you good folks will excuse me. (Exits upstage right.)
WINIFRED: (To LEX.) That was very nice of you… what you did. For
him. And for me. Thank you.
LEX: You’re welcome.
MAGS: You’re a nice guy, Lex. I suppose I should have appreciated
that more than I did.
LEX: Your kindness is also noted. Although that—woman—didn’t at
rm fo l
all appreciate it.
rfo ot sa
WINIFRED: It’s often a greater gesture to be kind to someone who
doesn’t deserve it than to be kind to someone who does.
ce
LEX: That’s quite profound.
r
pe N ru
WINIFRED: I can’t take the credit. I’m actually quoting my father.

(Beat.) Again, it was very kind of you to intervene on my behalf.
an
LEX: I’m sure others would have done the same thing. I’m nothing
Pe
special.
WINIFRED: (Suddenly suspicious.) You? You could be special.
LEX: I – I suppose.
MAGS: Stop being so modest. Of course, you’re special.
WINIFRED: I have a feeling you may know my brother.
LEX: Your brother?
WINIFRED: Yes. His name is Steffan. With two Fs.
LEX: I don’t know anyone named Steffan. Two Fs or otherwise.
WINIFRED: Are you sure?
LEX: Pretty sure.
WINIFRED: Speaking of pretty. You said I was pretty.
LEX: (Playing coy.) I did?
MAGS: Don’t play dumb, Lex. We all heard you.
WINIFRED: Yes, you did. And I quote “This pretty lady picked the
money up from the floor,” unquote.
LEX: OK, I did say that, but the point I was trying to make was that
you appear to be a nice person.
WINIFRED: (Smiles.) And pretty.
LEX: Pretty nice.
GARY RAY STAPP 19
WINIFRED: Well, you described me as pretty. You could have just

said “this nice young lady picked the money up from the floor.”
LEX: Well, I guess I described you the way I saw you, particularly your
action of being nice. I suppose pretty just slipped in by accident.
WINIFRED: Oh, so you don’t think I’m pretty.
LEX: I didn’t say that.
WINIFRED: It sounded that way.
LEX: No, I mean I mainly saw you being nice, then subconsciously
noticed you were attractive. But it was your kindness that I found
most appealing.
WINIFRED: Are you trying to pick me up?
MAGS: (Crossing to stand behind LEX.) Wow, that does sound like a
rm fo l
pick-up line, Lex. A poorly constructed pick-up line, but a still––
rfo ot sa
LEX: That wasn’t a pick-up line! You know me better than that!
WINIFRED: Excuse me, but I don’t know you at all.
ce
LEX: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that as a response to you. I was telling
r
pe N ru
(Points to MAGS.) her.

WINIFRED: Her?
an
LEX: My wife.
Pe
WINIFRED: You’re married?

LEX: Well, no. Not anymore––
MAGS: Whoa, whoa, whoa lover boy. You better start backpedaling,
and fast. She can’t see me.
LEX: She can’t?
MAGS: (Shakes her head.) Nope.
WINIFRED: She can’t what?
LEX: Uh… uh… she can’t… can’t breathe.
MAGS: Good save.
WINIFRED: She can’t breathe? Your wife can’t breathe?
LEX: Right.
WINIFRED: Y our wife can’t BREATHE.
LEX: Well… well, don’t take this the wrong way—but she’s dead.
WINIFRED: She’s dead? Your wife is dead?
LEX: Correct.
WINIFRED: Then what exactly did you mean by, I quote, “don’t take
this the wrong way?” unquote.
LEX: Well, uh—uh—
MAGS: She’s not among the living.
LEX: She’s not among the living.

MAGS: But it’s loads of fun to suddenly have her hanging around.
LEX: But it’s loads of fun to suddenly have her hanging around.
WINIFRED: Really?
LEX: (Laughs nervously.) No! …not really. To be perfectly honest,
she—she just showed up here a few minutes ago, which I’m sure
makes me look positively insane.
WINIFRED: Insane? No. No. Oh! Look at the time. I need to go.
LEX: Why?! We’ve just met!
WINIFRED: What difference does that make?
LEX: I’m not sure. But in spite of your playfully sharp tongue—
MAGS: Oh, Lex, poor choice of words.
rm fo l
WINIFRED: My sharp tongue?
rfo ot sa
LEX: (To MAGS.) No kidding! (To WINIFRED.) Well, what I meant was
you’re kind of sassy—
ce
WINIFRED: Oh, so now I’m sassy!
r
pe N ru
MAGS: Sassy?! You actually said sassy?!

LEX: Sassy, in a playful way. Uh, that’s a good thing. I mean, I like
an
that characteristic in women. My wife was that way—
Pe
MAGS: Oh, so now I’m sassy?

WINIFRED: Oh, here you go again with the wife. Listen, I really, really,
really need to go. (Steps away.) Besides, I’m here with someone
else. And he’s big, and burly, and has tattoos. Lots and lots of
tattoos. And he’s probably wondering if I’ve gotten lost. Bye! (Exits
upstage left.)
LEX: Nice meeting you!
MAGS claps slowly.
LEX: I’m an idiot.

MAGS: That’s because you have a Y chromosome. So, what do you
think?
LEX: About what?
MAGS: Her! She’s pretty and she seems like a very nice girl.
LEX: Yeah… she does, doesn’t she? Very… (Looking the way
WINIFRED has gone.) very nice. And pretty, too.
MAGS: (Laughs.) Oh, Lex. You like her! I knew you would! (Gasps.)
Lex, did you hear that?
GARY RAY STAPP 21
LEX: Hear what?

MAGS: The twang of Cupid’s bowstring, the swoosh of his arrow, and
the thud of it penetrating your heart. You’re in love!
LEX: No I’m not. I just met her.
MAGS: I just witnessed love at first sight!
LEX: You didn’t witness anything. And thank you for the belated
revelation that I’m the only one who can see you!
MAGS: You’re welcome.
ISAIAH enters.
LEX: She thinks I’m a kook.
rm fo l
MAGS: You should know. After all, your patients are kooks, too, right?
rfo ot sa
LEX: Did you see how fast she left?
MAGS: She who?
ce
LEX: Her! What’s her name! (Looks at MAGS.) What is her name?
r
pe N ru
MAGS: Don’t ask me. Ask her yourself.

ISAIAH: Hey man. You’re pretty stressed out, aren’t you?
an
LEX: Pardon? Are you speaking to me?
Pe
MAGS: Well he sure as hell isn’t speaking to me.

ISAIAH: Yeah. I heard you talking to yourself.
LEX: No, no I wasn’t.
ISAIAH: Don’t sweat it. I’ve seen it before. People talking to
themselves is usually the first sign.
LEX: The first sign?
ISAIAH: Yeah. The first sign that you need some help.
MAG: What is he, a psychologist like you?
LEX: What are you, a psychologist?
ISAIAH: (Scoffs.) No, are you?
LEX: As a matter of fact—
ISAIAH: You’re lost dude, admit it.
LEX: Lost? No, I’m not lost. Do I look lost?
ISAIAH: Well, yeah. But, then you are here.
LEX: Well, if I’m here, then I’m not lost.
ISAIAH: No, I mean here… in IKEA.
LEX: I know that.
ISAIAH: (Offers his hand.) Name’s Isaiah. Nice to meet ya.
LEX: I’m Lex. And likewise… I think.
ISAIAH: So Lex, I’m betting you can’t find your way out of here. Am I
right?
LEX: No.
ISAIAH: Nailed it. Well, Lex, I’ll be happy to escort you to the exit, and
it will only cost you five bucks.
LEX: I don’t need an escort.
ISAIAH: But you said you couldn’t find your way out.
LEX: No, you said that.
ISAIAH: Oh, jeez. What is this, Groundhog Day?
LEX: (Takes a business card from his wallet.) Listen, Isaiah, here’s my
business card. I have an office downtown. Come see me sometime.
Your first visit will be free, on me.
rm fo l
ISAIAH: (Takes the card and puts it in his pocket.) Yeah, yeah,
rfo ot sa
whatever. Listen, Lex, when you change your mind about needing
my help, look me up. It will be the best ten dollars you spend today.
ce
MAGS: Ten dollars?! He quoted you five dollars. Don’t let him gouge
r
pe N ru
you, Lex.
LEX: No one’s going to gouge me.
an
ISAIAH: Not a gouge, dude. This is free enterprise.
Pe
LEX: But you said your fee was five dollars.

ISAIAH: Yeah, that’s the cost for your first opportunity. But with every
additional offer of assistance, the price doubles.
LEX: Doubles? That doesn’t seem fair.
ISAIAH: Supply and demand, my friend, supply and demand. One
time, I had a guy finally begging me to get him out of here. But it
happened to be his sixth chance at escape, so my services cost him
160 bucks.
MAGS: Lex, he’s looney. And besides, you won’t need any help
getting out of here because you have a diploma hanging on your
wall.
LEX: Out of curiosity, Isaiah, what makes you think I’m going to need
help finding my way out?
ISAIAH: Ahhhh… this is your first time here, right?
LEX: Yes.
ISAIAH: Well, keep shopping and then when you’re ready to leave,
just follow these arrows here on the floor. Then later, when you
realize you aren’t going anywhere but in circles, you’ll come begging
me to help navigate your ass out of here.
GARY RAY STAPP 23
LEX: I doubt it.

ISAIAH: (Laughs.) Lex, Lex, Lex. Trust me, this place is like the
granddaddy of all mazes. I just happen to know the shortcuts and
the secret passages. And that knowledge can now be yours for the
low price of 20 dollars.
LEX: Thanks, but no thanks. By the way, where’s your IKEA name
badge?
ISAIAH: I don’t need one of those.
LEX: I’m pretty sure all the other employees are wearing one.
ISAIAH: I don’t work for IKEA. I’m what you call free-lance.
LEX: Freelance? So you don’t actually work here.
ISAIAH: Oh yeah. I work here. I am providing a service to IKEA
rm fo l
customers.
rfo ot sa
LEX: A service?
ISAIAH: Yeah, an escort service.
ce
MAGS: He’s a pimp! I knew there was something fishy about this guy.
r
pe N ru
ISAIAH: Well, not an escort-escort service. That would be illegal. I’m

what you call customer service. What I do is legit.
an
MAGS: Uh-huh. I’m not buying it.
Pe
ISAIAH: Well, maybe not legit-legit. But anyway, you would be

amazed by the number of people who appreciate my assistance. I’m
kind of like that biblical Moses—I part the seas of product displays
and lead the lost IKEA customers to the promise land of the
checkout counters.
LEX: People really pay you to do that?
ISAIAH: Oh, yeah. I bring down a couple of C-notes a day!
LEX: Two-hundred dollars a day. Just for leading people to the exit.
ISAIAH: Brilliant, isn’t it? And the best part is the IRS don’t know
nothin’ about it. It’s all cash. Well, sometimes there is a trade
involved. One time a guy needed my help but he didn’t have a dime
on him. Only plastic. But since he was about my size, and I needed
a change of clothes, we negotiated. He walked out of this place
wearin’ nothin’ but his Fruit-of-the-Looms and his Reeboks. By the
way, I happen to like your shirt – just so you know. Oh, and, Lex,
what are you? Boxers or briefs?
MAGS: Tighty-whities.
LEX: I’m not leaving here without my underwear.
ISAIAH: I go commando sometimes, you should try it.
MAGS: That means he’s wearing nothing under his pants.

LEX: (To MAGS.) I know what commando means.
ISAIAH: Yeah, not an easy thing to get used to. Listen, Lex, I gotta
run. I can’t make a dime if I’m just standin’ here jawin’ with you all
day. Remember, when you’re ready to leave, I’ll be here.
ISAIAH exits upstage left as DOT enters upstage right pushing her cart
that is over-loaded with items. An item falls out of the cart as she
passes LEX, and he picks it up.
LEX: Ma’am? Excuse me, ma’am. You lost this. (Hands it to DOT.)
DOT: Oh, thank you! I’ve found so many good buys here, I can’t keep
rm fo l
them all in my cart! (Laughs.) And so many things to choose from!
rfo ot sa
Have you been to the bathrooms?
LEX: Uh, no.
ce
DOT: Well, I don’t mean the bathroom bathrooms. I’m talking about
r
pe N ru
the display bathrooms.

LEX: Same answer.
an
DOT: They are marvelous! And I love, love, love this bedroom! You
Pe
know I think I could just live here!

LEX: It appears, you may not be the first.
DOT: (Sees alarm clock.) Excuse me. I see something I must have!
(Hurries to snag the clock.)
MAGS: Look at all this stuff! She’s clearly compensating for
something.
LEX: Clearly.
DOT returns and stuffs the clock in her cart.
LEX: Nice clock.

DOT: (Protectively positions herself between him and her cart,
spreading her arms and thrusting out her chest.) Don’t get any
ideas. It’s mine!
LEX: Don’t worry, I’m not interested. In the clock, or otherwise.
DOT: (Studies him for a second.) You don’t appear to be buying much?
LEX: Well, these chairs are mine.
DOT: (Suspicious.) They are?
LEX: Well, for now. I’m not entirely sure I want them.
GARY RAY STAPP 25
DOT: I see. Well, I like them. (Looks at price tag.) Good! They have
price tags!
LEX: Doesn’t everything?
DOT: You would think. Hmmmm $99.99 …not bad! Where in the
store did you find them?
LEX: (Pointing.) That way, somewhere… I think.
DOT: OK, then. I’ll see if I can find them! Fun! Fun! Oh, and if anyone
asks, you haven’t seen me, ok? (Quickly exits upstage right nearly
colliding with MAGS.)
MAGS: Watch out roller derby queen! Now Lex, don’t be getting any
ideas about that woman. She’s totally not the right one for you.
However, little miss what’s-her-name is perfect, don’t you think?
rm fo l
LEX: I admit, she does have me intrigued. But, she likes to quote,
rfo ot sa
which is odd—
MAGS: Uh-uh-uh—no judging.
ce
LEX: But frankly, I would like to know more about her.
r
pe N ru
MAGS: Then go. Move your feet. Find her. Talk to her. Ask her out on
a date!
an
LEX: Sure! Why not stalk her? She already thinks I’m creepy, thanks
Pe
to you. (Sits on one of the stools.)

MAGS: (Sits next to him.) I’m sensing hesitation.
LEX: Well, as you know, I don’t have the best track record when it
comes to relationships.
MAGS: Lex, don’t try and predict your future based on your past. Our
problem was that we didn’t have enough in common. At least
anything that was important. I’m not sure why you wanted to marry
me in the first place.
LEX: I wanted to marry you so that we could have more “us” time, just
you and me staying home, cuddling on the sofa under a warm
blanket and watching old Bob Hope and Garry Cooper movies.
MAGS: Boring.
LEX: Instead you wanted to go out and party every weekend.
MAGS: A girl’s gotta have a little fun!
LEX: I wanted a stable, grounded relationship. I wanted financial
security. I wanted a suburban home just a short train ride outside
the city.
MAGS: The suburbs? If I were alive I would throw up.
LEX: I wanted to have a family, Mags. Kids. A girl and a boy… a little
you and a little me.
MAGS: That was never going to happen with me. But it could happen
with her.
LEX: You’re not going to let his match-making thing go, are you?
MAGS: Nope. Your mystery lady is perfect for you.
LEX: How do you know?
MAGS: Because she’s opposite of me. Except that we’re both sassy,
which you apparently find very attractive.
LEX: I didn’t say it was attractive. However, there is something about
her that I’m strongly drawn to… she probably already has a
boyfriend.
rm fo l
MAGS: She doesn’t.
rfo ot sa
LEX: Or here’s a thought, what if she has girlfriend?
MAGS: Oh, well if that’s the case, you’re toast. But you’ll never know
ce
unless you go talk to her again! What have you got to lose?
r
pe N ru
LEX: My dignity.
MAGS: That’s not risking much.
an
LEX: (Looks pointedly at Mags.) OK, (Stands.) I’m going.
Pe
MAGS: That’s the spirit! Uh, no pun intended. (Stands.) Now, come
on, let’s go!
LEX: You are staying here. Your participation has already made me
appear schizophrenic, and given I’m standing here listening to my
deceased wife’s advice on hooking up, schizophrenia would be a
reasonable diagnosis if I do say so myself. In fact, I’m not even sure
you’re really here. You could just be a hallucination. That’s it. Isaiah
is right. I am talking to myself.
MAGS: Are you done?
LEX: Apparently, I have a hallucination that can’t stop jabbering.
MAGS: Lex, you’re beginning to stress out, so I’ll tell you what. If it
makes you happy, I’ll stay here while you go look for her.
LEX: That would make me tremendously happy.
MAGS: Fine. I’ll just wait here.
LEX: Fine.
MAGS: Fine.
LEX: Although, I’d rather you just leave—from here.
MAGS: You mean go away?
LEX: Yes. No offense, but I’ve gotten used to you being gone.
GARY RAY STAPP 27
MAGS: Well, I’d leave if I could, but I can’t, so I won’t. But I promise,
I’ll wait here. Cross my heart and hope to die. Oh, wait—ha! Trust
me. I’ll wait here and root for you from afar. I’ll be like your
cheerleader standing on the sidelines, completely outside your
game. How would that be?
LEX: That, that would be OK, I guess.
LEX exits upstage left, as MAGS begins a cheer routine.
MAGS: Ready—ok! L-E-X! Go Lex! L-E-X! Gooooo--Lex! Woo!

(WINIFRED enters upstage right, MAGS sees her.) Oh, good grief!
Lex, you went the wrong way!
rm fo l
rfo ot sa
MAGS quickly exits after him, just as STEFFAN enters upstage right,
hurriedly.
ce
r
pe N ru
STEFFAN: Hey sis!

WINIFRED: Steffan! I’ve been looking for you!
an
STEFFAN: And I’ve been looking for you! This place is crazy, isn’t it?!
Pe
WINIFRED: You don’t know the half of it. Although I did meet someone
interesting, just like you said I would.
STEFFAN: Told you so.
WINIFRED: But Steffan, the man talks to his dead wife.
STEFFAN: Oh really? Describe him.
WINIFRED: Well, he’s this tall, sandy-blonde hair, intoxicating blue
eyes, and he has a smile that’s kind of boyish and charming in the
way his mouth first curls up just on one side. And he’s
compassionate, and he’s chivalrous––
STEFFAN: That’s got to be him! Your description is spot on.
WINIFRED: You’re not serious!
STEFFAN: So, what do you think?
WINIFRED: I think you’re nuts.
STEFFAN: Why?
WINIFRED: Because he is nuts.
STEFFAN: Why do you say that?
WINIFRED: Because he talks to his dead wife.
STEFFAN: Really? He’s psycho because he talks to his dead wife?
STEFFAN and WINIFRED stare at each other.
WINIFRED: I know, I know. Who am I to judge, right?

STEFFAN: Right. And, for the record, I think he’s perfect for you.
And you obviously find him attractive.
WINIFRED: I never said that.
STEFFAN: No? What did you say about his eyes? Intoxicating, was
that it?
WINIFRED: I don’t think—
STEFFAN: Uh-uh-uh. Don’t deny it.
WINIFRED: OK! He has intoxicating eyes. There I said it. That could
mean anything. They could have been intoxicatingly bloodshot. And
rm fo l
judging from the conversation I had with him, I suspect he’s an
rfo ot sa
alcoholic.
STEFFAN: Liar. You found him attractive. Admit it.
ce
WINIFRED: I want you to know, Steffen, I’m very disappointed in you.
r
pe N ru
Last week you assured me that you had found the man of my
dreams. Well, if you think what’s-his-name is my dream lover, then
an
please wake me up!
Pe
STEFFAN: What’s-his-name? Oh, that’s not good. You need to know

his name.
WINIFRED: Then what is it?
STEFFAN: I can’t tell you that.
WINIFRED: Can’t or won’t?
STEFFAN: Sis, this husband-hunting plan is going to require you to
make some effort.
WINIFRED: I’m here, am I not? And I chose to believe you. That
certainly took effort. After all, you were never very trustworthy.
STEFFAN: I know. And I’m sorry. But, come on, trust me on this,
OK? Winifred, I’m trying to make it up to you.
WINIFRED: Well, that’s what you keep telling me. Guilt is a terrible
thing, is it not?
STEFFAN: That’s for sure. It’s been hell, quite frankly.
WINIFRED scoffs.
STEFFAN: (Laughs.) Now, go find that man.

GARY RAY STAPP 29
WINIFRED: Steffan, I have already been wandering around this place

for three hours. Odds are he will be wander back through here.
STEFFAN: But what if he leaves the store instead of coming back
through here first?
WINIFRED: Then it wasn’t meant to be. But I’m not going to stand
around here and wait all day. I’ll give him, and you, ten minutes,
then I’m leaving. In the meantime, I’ll sit here and write in my
journal.
STEFFAN: Your journal, your journal! You know, sis, people are going
to think you are a little wacky-doodle sitting around here in IKEA
writing in that dumb diary.
WINIFRED: Journal. And it’s not dumb. Besides, given the
rm fo l
personalities I’ve met here today, who would notice me?
rfo ot sa
STEFFAN: So, am I in there? In your journal?
WINIFRED: Oh yes. You are in here quite often.
ce
STEFFAN: Sorry I asked. By the way, do you have any lipstick in your
r
pe N ru
purse?
WINIFRED: Why? Do you want some?
an
STEFFAN: Just saying, you might want to touch yours up a little.
Pe
WINIFRED: Go—away!
STEFFAN: And your hair—maybe you could––
WINIFRED: Nine minutes and counting, Steffan.
STEFFAN: OK, but since you’re just going to sit around here and do
nothing, I’ll go look around and see if I can find him for you. (Exits
upstage left.)
WINIFRED: Then you had better hurry. (Sits and takes her journal
from her purse, then finds her lipstick and begins to re-apply it.)
ISAIAH enters upstage right now wearing a cap with a popular sports
logo and counting a hand of full of dollar bills. He stuffs the money in
his pocket, then removes his cap and looks at the cap, smiling.
ISAIAH: Nice!
WINIFRED: Pardon me?
ISAIAH: (Looks at her suspiciously.) Nothing.
DH enters upstage right. ISAIAH watches him as DH crosses down

center, looks hopelessly left, then right, then turns around in a circle.
ISAIAH: (Laughs.) Easy money. (Crosses to DH.) Hey, my man. I

can see it in your eyes. You need help out of here, am I right?
DH: Yes! Help me! And hurry! I need to get out of this building before
my wife finds me! I’ve been ignoring her calls. She’s going to be
pissed.
ISAIAH: Not a problem. I understand the urgency. But first my fee—
DH: A fee? I don't have any money. My dear wife doesn't let me carry
cash.
ISAIAH: That's not a problem ... (Takes him by the shoulders, and
turns him around as he looks him over.) I'm always happy to
negotiate alternative payment.
rm fo l
DH: Alternative payment?
rfo ot sa
ISAIAH: Yeah. I like your shoes. What size do you wear?
DH: Ten and a half.
ce
ISAIAH: Perfect. (Crosses to the nightstand.) Hang on a second.
r
pe N ru
DH: OK, but hurry!

ISAIAH: (Stuffs his new cap into the night stand drawer. Turns away,
an
then realizes his clock is missing.) HEY! WHERE’S MY CLOCK?
Pe
(Hurries to look under a pillow, then opens a night table drawer, then
slams it shut. He turns to WINIFRED.) I’VE BEEN ROBBED! Did
you happen to see a woman sneak away from here with an alarm
clock?
WINIFRED: Specifically?
ISAIAH: Yeah!
WINIFRED: Well, give me a description—
ISAIAH: It’s about this big, with a face and hands and twelve numbers
on it— [Or insert description that fits the prop.]
WINIFRED: No, I meant the woman. What does she look like?
ISAIAH: (With over-dramatic gestures.) She’s about this big, with
hands and a face, and a massive cavity beneath her nose.
DH: That sounds like my wife.
ISAIAH: (Looks off, left and right.) That crazy broad stole my clock!
I’ve got to find her!
DH: No! First you have to help me escape my crazy broad!
ISAIAH: OK, OK! This way!
GARY RAY STAPP 31
ISAIAH exits upstage left, followed by DH. MRS. PEALE enters

upstage right carrying a clipboard. She pauses for a moment to glance
behind her. She sees WINIFRED and crosses to her.
MRS. PEALE: Hello.

WINIFRED: Hello.
MRS. PEALE: May I have something from you?
WINIFRED: Such as?
MRS. PEALE: Two things, actually.
WINIFRED: (Sees clipboard and offers her a pen.) Do you need a
pen?
MRS. PEALE: No thank you, I have my own. Your opinion and your
rm fo l
signature.
rfo ot sa
MRS. PEALE: (Exasperated.) Your opinion and your signature. Those
ce
are the things I need from you. What do you think of them?
r
pe N ru
WINIFRED: Them?
MRS. PEALE: The arrows! (Points to the floor.)
an
WINIFRED: The arrows? Well— (She studies the floor.) — they’re very
Pe
large.
MRS. PEALE: (Exasperated.) Obviously. What else?
WINIFRED: I suppose the arrows are helpful?
MRS. PEALE: No, they are not! They simply lead one around, and
around, and around, and around—
WINIFRED: In circles?
MRS. PEALE: Yes! In circles! I’m so glad you agree. Here (Extends
clipboard.) sign my petition.
WINIFRED: Petition? A petition for what?
MRS. PEALE: To remove these deceitful symbols from the floors of
this establishment!
WINIFRED: But the arrows have a purpose—
MRS. PEALE: Ohhhh—yes! —they! —do! Their purpose is
subterfuge! Just like Hamlet!
WINIFRED: Hamlet?
MRS. PEALE: King Claudius is using us as pawns, can’t you see that?
Pushing us across this chessboard of arrows and leading us to no
place but back to where we started. But I’m not fooled. Which is why
I have taken up the battle flag of civility. To be or not to be, that is
the question. Is it nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and
thereby opposing them? A pox I say! A pox on that phony King of
England! Oo-de-lally! Oo-de-lally! (Singing forte.) AL – AL – AL – LE
– LU – UI – UI – UUUI – UI - IA!!!
WINIFRED stares at her for several long beats, then looks around to
see if anyone else was a witness. OZ enters upstage right.
rm fo l
rfo ot sa
MRS. PEALE: (Sees OZ.) Curses! The Sheriff of Nottingham! (To
WINIFRED.) I must go! (Hurries away, stage left.)
ce
r
pe N ru
WINIFRED rises and stares after her as OZ crosses to her.

an
OZ: I see you’ve met Mrs. Peale.
Pe
WINIFRED: Is she––?
OZ: Muddled?
WINIFRED: Dangerous?
OZ: (Chuckles.) No. She shows up here from time to time, but doesn’t
really bother anyone. I just try to keep a close eye on her. She might
be a little un-hinged, but she’s not a threat to anyone.
WINIFRED: How do you know?
OZ: You might say I have “inside information.”
WINIFRED: In other words, mind my own business, is that it?
OZ: No, no. You’re not being intrusive at all. (His cell phone beeps and
he takes it from his pocket.) Excuse me. (He begins to scan the
phone display.) Hmmm… Tim, Tim, Tim… The trouble you’ve gotten
yourself into. (Slips phone back into his pocket.) My work is never
done.
WINIFRED: A problem with someone in the store?
OZ: Now you are being nosey.
WINIFRED: Sorry. My curiosity often forgets its manners.
OZ: That’s alright, Winifred.
WINIFRED: (Startled.) How do you know my name?
GARY RAY STAPP 33
OZ: Uh – from earlier. The incidence with the woman who accused
you of being a pick-pocket.
WINIFRED: I don’t recall saying my name.
OZ: Didn’t you?
WINIFRED: I suppose I must have. No one else here knows who I am.
Except for my brother.
OZ: Oh? Your brother is here with you?
WINIFRED: Uh… sort of. He’s somewhere looking for…
OZ: For what?
WINIFRED: Apparently something that can only be found in IKEA.
OZ: Lots of unique things can be found here. By the way, my name’s
Oz.
rm fo l
WINIFRED: Oz? That’s unusual. Are you also “great and powerful”?
rfo ot sa
You know, like that wizard?
OZ: (Chuckles.) I may have something in common with him. Part of
ce
what I do is helping people find their way back.
r
pe N ru
WINIFRED: Back? Back to where?

OZ: To Kansas. Where else?
an
WINIFRED: (Laughs.) A sense of humor. I like that.
Pe
OZ: Thanks. I surprise people on occasion. I’m not just a no-nonsense

kind of guy. I like funny too. After all, I did put the knees of a flamingo
on backwards.
OZ: So, are you also here like your brother, shopping for a special
one-of-a-kind item?
WINIFRED: Actually, I’m not shopping for anything. I’m mostly just
waiting here and writing in my journal.
OZ: Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.
WINIFRED: Why?
OZ: Well, unfortunately part of my job is to escort loiterers out of the
premises. So, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
WINIFRED: Actually, Mr. Oz, if you must know, I am here to shop…
sort of.
OZ: Sort of?
WINIFRED: Well, this is a little embarrassing, but my brother
convinced me to come here to… to look for a husband.
OZ: I’m single.
WINIFRED: (Laughs.) That’s hard to believe.
OZ: But, I’m also unavailable.

WINIFRED: Just my luck! Sorry, I should be leaving. I suddenly feel
quite ridiculous.
OZ: Stay. Sit. Hang around as long as you like. I look the other way
for other folks, why not you?
WINIFRED: Others? Like Mrs. Peale?
OZ: Yes. Like Mrs. Peale. She’s really a very kind soul. Just
misunderstood. (His phone beeps again and he takes it from his
pocket and scans it.) Children. Children. Children. When will you
learn?
WINIFRED: You have children?
OZ: I have… you might say I have a very large family. Luckily for me
rm fo l
this app helps me keep up with them.
rfo ot sa
WINIFRED: Must be a great app.
OZ: A Devine creation, I can tell you that much. Well, I’ve got to go.
ce
Good luck with your shopping. Although you won’t need it.
r
pe N ru
WINIFRED: I won’t need luck?

OZ: Nope. You just need patience... and faith. I promise, somebody
an
is going to come along who turns out to be exactly who you need
Pe
them to be.
WINIFRED: You think so?
OZ: Why not? This is IKEA after all. A place where there is something
for everyone.
WINIFRED: The woman, Mrs. Peale? You seem to know a lot about
her. Is she here to find something too?
OZ: Yes. Acceptance. (Exits upstage left.)
LEX enters upstage right. He sees WINIFRED.
LEX: (Crosses to WINIFRED.) Hi.

WINIFRED: (Looks up, startled.) Oh! Uh… hello … and good-bye.
(Quickly rises and moves to leave.)
LEX: Wait! Please? Listen, I don’t want you to think I’m any weirder
than you already think I am, but earlier… we didn’t really get
properly introduced.
WINIFRED: No, we didn’t. (They stare at each other for a moment.)
Go on.
GARY RAY STAPP 35
LEX: Oh, sorry. (Offers WINIFRED his hand.) My name is Lex—

ington.
WINIFRED: (Takes LEX’S hand.) I’m Winifred. I’m glad to know your
name, Lexington.
LEX: Me too. Well, not my name, I already knew that. It’s—it’s your
name—I mean, I’m glad to know your name, Winifred. That’s—
WINIFRED: That’s what?
LEX: Very pretty. Your name. It suits you.
WINIFRED: Thank you. As does your name, Lexington. I like it.
LEX: Yeah, me too. Only Mags didn’t like it at all. Thought it sounded
too pompous.
WINIFRED: Mags?
rm fo l
LEX: My wife. Dead wife. Dead wife. Sorry, sorry. I had no intention
rfo ot sa
of bringing her with me.
WINIFRED: Bringing her with you? (Looks behind him.)
ce
LEX: No! What I meant was bringing her into my conversation… with
r
pe N ru
you. I apologize. Sincerely.

WINIFRED: Apology accepted. (Beat of awkward silence.) Well, since
an
the elephant is already in the room—
Pe
LEX: Elephant?
WINIFRED: Your deceased wife, Mags. Is that short for Maggie?
LEX: (Looks around nervously.) Oh, yeah, you don’t want to call her
that. She doesn’t like Maggie.
WINIFRED: Doesn’t? That isn’t past tense. Lexington, you’re starting
to worry me again.
LEX: I’m not weird, I promise. I’m just an idiot. (Sighs and shakes his
head.) Winifred, I’m sorry I bothered you. I should just leave—
WINIFRED: No! No, stay… please. I have an idea. Why don’t you tell
me a little bit about your wife—
LEX: Dead wife.
WINIFRED: Just maybe a minor detail or two. Then perhaps we can
set her aside long enough to talk about something else.
LEX: OK. I—I can do that. (Sits.)
WINIFRED: So, your wife doesn’t—didn’t—like being called Maggie?
MAGS enters stage left via the emergency exit door and an alarm
immediately sounds. Others react.
MAGS: Wow! I can’t believe it! Lex, I can open doors! (Celebrates
with a little dance.) I can open doors… I can open doors––
LEX: (Shakes his head and shouts over the melee.) Not now!
WINIFRED: (Holding a hand over one ear.) That noise is most
irritating.
OZ quickly enters upstage left, and crosses to the emergency door.
OZ: Sorry folks! (Uses his pass key to disengage the alarm and opens
and peers through the door, as MAGS continues to dance.) Did
either of you see someone leave through this emergency-exit-only
door?
rm fo l
rfo ot sa
MAGS waves at Oz.
ce
LEX: Uhhhh… no. (Glares at MAGS.) No, I didn’t see anyone leave
r
pe N ru
through there.
WINIFRED: No, Oz, I didn’t see anyone, either
an
OZ: A malfunction I suppose. (Takes out his cell phone.) I should let
Pe
maintenance know of the issue.

LEX: (Wanting to get rid of him.) If there are other emergency exit
doors, you might want to check them as well.
OZ: Good idea, Lexington.
OZ exits upstage left, as LEX looks after him curiously. STEFFAN

enters opposite and sees WINIFRED with LEX and gives her a thumbs-
up.
MAGS: Lex! Am I impressive, or what?!

LEX: (To WINIFRED.) Uh… excuse me for a minute. I need to—uh--
make a quick phone call.
WINIFRED: (Glances back at STEFFAN.) Not a problem.
LEX crosses to MAGS as WINIFRED crosses to STEFFAN.
LEX: (Placing his cell phone to his ear.) Mags, what are you doing?
MAGS: Opening—doors!
GARY RAY STAPP 37
LEX: I didn’t think you could do things like that?

MAGS: I didn’t either! But I was just over in the bathroom section of
the store and there was this stunning bowl sink with designer facet
knobs and I wanted to turn them so badly. Then suddenly, they
moved! It was soooo amazing!
LEX and MAGS pantomime conversation as WINIFRED and

STEFFAN talk.
WINIFRED: What is it, Steffan?

STEFFAN: You found him!
WINIFRED: I wouldn’t say I found him. He happened to meander his
rm fo l
way back to here, just as I predicted he would.
rfo ot sa
STEFFAN: So, what do you think of him?
WINIFRED: Well, he’s breathing, which makes him better off than his
ce
wife. Or other people I know. But I’ve only had ten minutes of
r
pe N ru
conversation with him, and nine minutes of that was uneventful and
unimpressive. I don’t know if he’s my soulmate, but I admit
an
Lexington seems nice.
Pe
STEFFAN: Who?
WINIFRED: Him. Lexington.
STEFFAN: Lexington? That doesn’t sound right. I’m not sure he’s the
right guy.
WINIFRED: You’re not sure? Don’t you know him?
STEFFAN: No. I know of him. I’ve only seen his picture.
WINIFRED and STEFFAN pantomime conversation as LEX and

MAGS talk.
LEX: Well stop touching and moving things. People are going to freak
out. And as you can see, I’m trying to get acquainted with a very
interesting young woman and if you keep opening doors and setting
off alarms and making me scold you, there will be no way I’ll be able
to calm my nerves enough to improve upon Winifred’s impression
of me.
MAGS: Winifred! You know her name!
LEX: Yes, I know her name. Now, just run along, or float along, or
whatever it is you do.
MAGS: I don’t want to leave. I want to watch you “put the moves” on
Winifred.
LEX: I’m not putting moves on her.
MAGS: Too bad.
LEX: I’m serious! I need you to keep your distance.
LEX and MAGS pantomime conversation.
WINIFRED: Steffan, why would you think for even one second that a
man who you’ve, and I quote, “only seen his picture,” unquote,
would be someone you presume I would enjoy a conversation with,
much less convince you that he is my soulmate?
rm fo l
STEFFAN: It’s a long story.
rfo ot sa
WINIFRED: I’d love to hear it. I have all the time in the world.
STEFFAN: I used to think that, too. But I was wrong. Anyway, I don’t
ce
want you to waste any more of your time. So, be a good girl and
r
pe N ru
give the man a chance.

WINIFRED: I’m giving him a chance. Is it my fault he’s not making the
most of it?
an
Pe
STEFFAN: Give him a chance, Winifred. A real chance.

WINIFRED: OK, OK.
WINIFRED and STEFFAN pantomime conversation.
MAGS: OK, OK. If I promise not to talk, can I be close and listen?
LEX: Don’t pout. Pouting was never a good look for you.
MAGS: OK, then I’ll beg. Please?!!!
LEX: (Sighs, realizing he can’t win this battle.) Alright. But promise
me you will not interfere?
WINIFRED: But promise me you will not interfere?
MAGS: I promise.
STEFFAN: I promise.
LEX: Or touch anything.
WINIFRED: And don’t stand here and watch me.
MAGS: (Spoken simultaneously with STEFFAN.) OK, OK.
STEFFAN: (Spoken simultaneously with MAGS.) OK, OK.
GARY RAY STAPP 39
LEX and WINIFRED return to their chairs as MAGS moves to sit on the
foot of the bed, and STEFFAN slinks around to spy.
WINIFRED: Is everything, alright?

LEX: Yeah, fine.
DW enters upstage right angrily punching buttons on her cell phone.
DW: (Yelling into her cell phone and looking around.) WHERE ARE
YOU?!!
LEX: Uh-oh, I think we may be about to witness a meltdown.
WINIFRED: Oh? Well, what should we do?
rm fo l
LEX: In my professional opinion, we should run.
rfo ot sa
DW: CALL—ME—BACK!! (Storms to stand in front of LEX and
WINIFRED.) I HAVE LEFT YOU 15 MESSAGES, ANSWER ME!
ce
(Plops down on LEX’S lap.)
r
pe N ru
LEX: Pardon me?!

DW: (Turns to look at LEX over her shoulder.) Is there a reason you
an
are parked beneath my rumpus?
Pe
LEX: Well, yes. I was already sitting here.

WINIFRED: (Rises.) Here, ma’am, you can have my chair.
LEX: That’s OK. I’ll be the gentleman and give her my seat. Uh —
ma’am? If you would kindly stand up, I’ll let you sit here.
DW: Oh, you’ll LET me sit HERE. I can SIT anywhere I choose.
(Stands.) Now, get up!
LEX: (Stands, and steps away toward the bed.) My pleasure.
WINIFRED: (Warily looks at DW.) Are… are you OK?
DW: No, I’m not OK! Do I look OK? I’m very, very, VERY ANNOYED!
Can’t you see that?
WINIFRED: Of course you are.
LEX: (To MAGS.) I had a feeling she was annoyed.
DW: (Crosses to LEX and gets in his face.) And I have a feeling you
should mind your own business.
LEX: That’s a reasonable feeling.
WINIFRED: Perhaps I can help.
DW: What makes you think you could help me?
WINIFRED: You’re looking for your husband, right?

DW: What’s it to you?
WINIFRED: Well, I just saw him here, a short time ago.
DW: (Scowling.) Did you really?! Was he with someone?
WINIFRED: Yes, as a matter—
DW: Another woman! I might have known! She was a skank, wasn’t
she?
WINIFRED: Well, no. He was with another man—
DW: Another man?
WINIFRED: Yes.
DW: WITH another MAN?
WINIFRED: Well, not in the way—
rm fo l
DW: Which way did they go?
rfo ot sa
WINIFRED: That way. (Points.)
ce
MRS. PEALE enters upstage left carrying an armful of large picket
r
pe N ru
signs in the shape of arrows with the “NO” symbol emblazoned across
them. She quickly steps downstage and blocks DW from exiting.
an
Pe
MRS. PEALE: Here! (Shoves a sign into DW’s hands.) Take one.
DW: (Momentarily dumbfounded.) What is this?!
MRS. PEALE: A demonstration, sister. A demonstration! (Crosses to
WINIFRED and LEX and hands each of them a sign.) One for you…
and here’s one for you.
LEX: What the heck?
WINIFRED: Just play along.
MRS. PEALE: (Crosses downstage right, then turns to address the
others.) Hear-ye, hear-ye! Now is the time, my brothers and sisters,
to come together and stand united against the tyrannical controls of
this establishment. We must appeal to their conscience, shine a light
of revelation upon their inhumanity. We must join arm in arm, chin
up, chest out, and feet forward. Then, with great haste, put your left
foot in, take your left foot out, put your left foot in and shake it all
about.
OZ enters upstage left, stepping behind DW.

GARY RAY STAPP 41
DW: (To herself.) That woman is crazier than I am! (Turns and is face-
to-face with OZ.) You, again!
OZ: Hello.
DW: (Glaring at him.) Out of my way you oaf.
OZ: May I help you?
DW: Why start now?
MRS. PEALE: (From her bosom she retrieves a small American Flag
and waves it as she sings under the dialogue.) Oh, say can you see,
by the dawn’s early light—
MAGS rises and places her hand over her heart as DW pushes past
OZ, but then stops at the emergency exit door and looks it over.
rm fo l
rfo ot sa
MAGS: Lex! …Lex!
ce
LEX glances at MAGS and sees her nodding to him to mimic her.
r
pe N ru
Hesitantly he places his hand over his heart.

an
DW: (Turning back to OZ.) This door? Where does it lead to?
Pe
OZ: The parking lot.

DW: Does it?
MRS. PEALE: (Singing.) What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s
last gleaming—
DW turns to listen to MRS. PEALE, giving OZ the opportunity to

position himself between DW and the emergency exit.
DW: (To OZ.) You know, you could make yourself useful and do
something about that woman.
OZ: Such as?
DW: Arrest her for starters.
MRS. PEALE: (Singing.) Whose broad stripes and bright stars through
the perilous fight—
DW: She’s clearly on opioids or something.
OZ: Sorry. I don’t have the authority to arrest anyone.
DW: Then what good are you?
OZ: You’d be surprised.

DW: (Shoves the picket sign into OZ’s hands.) Here. This is hers.
MRS. PEALE: (Singing.) O’er the ramparts we watched, were so
gallantly streaming—
Distracted by MRS. PEALE, DW turns to listen to her as DH hurriedly

enters upstage left, wearing only an undershirt, boxers and socks. He
is looking over his shoulder, turning just before bumping into the back
of DW. Immediately, OZ hands DH the picket sign.
DW: She’s a lunatic.
rm fo l
DW turns back to OZ as DH instantly raises the picket sign to hide his
rfo ot sa
face.
ce
OZ: But she does know how to command an audience.
r
pe N ru
DW: (Glancing at DH’s bare legs, she then glares at OZ.) I’m leaving.
OZ: Not through the emergency exit, you’re not.
an
MRS PEALE: (Singing.) And the rocket’s red glare—
Pe
DH begins to carefully back away upstage left, still hiding behind the
picket sign.
DW: (Feigning innocence.) Who said I was leaving that way?

OZ: It’s for emergencies only.
DW: This IS an emergency, you imbecile. I need to find my dear
husband and get the hell out.
OZ: Sorry, that doesn’t count.
MRS. PEALE: (Singing.) The bombs bursting in air—
DW: Fine. (Steps upstage toward DH, who is blocking her way.) Out
of my way! (Simultaneously they step left. Then step right. Then left
again.) What are you, an idiot? I said out of my way!
DH: Sorry. (Steps aside.) No speak-a En-gless.
DW begins to leave but turns and suspiciously glances at DH, who is

now slowly backing downstage. DW confronts DH, pushing the sign
away from his face.
GARY RAY STAPP 43
MRS. PEALE: (Singing.) Gave proof through the night that our flag
was still there.
DH: Hola, Senora.
DW: WHERE have you BEEN!
DH: Well—
DW: (Looks him over in astonishment.) WHERE ARE YOUR
CLOTHES!?
DH: Uh, he has them. (Points off.)
DW: He?
DH: I think his name is Isaiah.
DW: Why does he have your clothes?!
DH: You’re not going to like the answer.
rm fo l
MRS. PEALE: (Singing.) Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet
rfo ot sa
wave—
DW: (Begins to back him downstage left.) Why didn't you answer your
ce
phone? r
pe N ru
DH: Bad reception?

DW: I have been calling, and calling, and calling you!
an
DH: I was in the bathroom… with Isaiah.
Pe
DW: What were you doing in the bathroom with Isaiah?

DH: Well …
ISAIAH enters upstage right in a run carrying DH’s pants, shirt, and
shoes, and the stolen alarm clock. He stops and looks off, breathless.
DH: There he is now! Isaiah!

ISAIAH: What?!
DH: Tell my wife I was in the bathroom with you.
ISAIAH: I don’t have time! (Glances off right.) I’ve got to hide!
MRS. PEALE: (Singing.) O’er the land of the free—
DH: Please!
ISAIAH: Alright, alright! Lady I was in the bathroom with your husband.
DW: WHY?
ISAIAH: Because he’s just the right size.
DW is shocked speechless. At once, DOT enters upstage left in a run.

She sees ISAIAH and clambers across the bed for him.
DOT: GIVE ME MY CLOCK!
ISAIAH screams. DW screams.
MRS. PEALE: (Singing loudly.) And the home of the brave…
Blackout. Curtain.
rm fo l INTERMISSION
rfo ot sa
ce
r
pe N ru
an
Pe
GARY RAY STAPP 45
ACT TWO, SCENE 1
SETTING: A little while later.
AT RISE: Curtains up. Lights up. MAGS and LEX are at center stage.
All OTHERS are gone.
MAGS: Has this been an exciting day, or what?!

LEX: Given your sudden appearance and the spectacle we just
witnessed, I wouldn’t call it exciting. I’d call it disturbing.
MAGS: I’m surprised there’s not police tape surrounding this place
and a couple of body outlines chalked out on the floor. Those two
rm fo l
women were mad!
rfo ot sa
LEX: It was like free-for-all in Madison Square Gardens.
MAGS: That roller derby queen was over here pinning that poor man
ce
down to the floor. She kept trying to bite his ear.
r
pe N ru
LEX: I can still hear him screaming.

MAGS: And then over here, that lunatic gorilla kept beating and
an
beating and beating her poor husband with one of those picket
Pe
signs. Both of those fights were positively shameless.

LEX: It didn’t stop you from cheering them on.
MAGS: I was cheering for the men. I wanted them to win. Besides, I
was so moved by the second verse of the Star-Spangled Banner, I
couldn’t help myself.
LEX sits on a stool, distant and contemplative. MAGS crosses to him

and sits opposite.
MAGS: Lex, what are you brooding about?

LEX: I was just thinking about that couple. Married all those years—
and look what it came down to. A very public domestic altercation.
MAGS: (Pantomimes a beat down.) Twenty—five—years—we’ve—
been—married.
LEX: Really?
MAGS: Or something like that.
LEX: I’d like to help to them… professionally.
MAGS: Good idea, Lex! You could hypnotize them! Wouldn’t that be
fun?!
LEX: No, it would not be fun.

MAGS: Or you could zap them with some of your hocus-pocus stuff
until one of them confesses something juicy!
LEX: Mags, I don’t do hocus-pocus.
MAGS: I’d start with her. She definitely has some serious issues.
LEX: There’s always two sides to every story.
MAGS: Just like us. We had our sides too. You were always busy
working and I was busy having fun.
LEX: You were having an affair.
MAGS: Ooooo… that was a zinger! So, Lex, are you ready to talk
about it now?
LEX: No. I’d rather just forget it.
rm fo l
MAGS: Then why bring it up?
rfo ot sa
LEX: Forget it.
MAGS: For-get-it. Yeah, that would be best. Forgive and forget.
ce
LEX: Forgive? I didn’t say anything about forgiving. We both know I
r
pe N ru
was hurt and angry.

MAGS: Were you angry, really? I was never sure.
an
LEX: Yes, I was mad… and broken-hearted. Then overwhelmed with
Pe
disappointment… insecurity… curiosity––

MAGS: Curiosity? What were you curious about?
LEX: What do think? (Beat.) Who was he, Mags?
MAGS: It doesn’t matter.
LEX: It matters to me. I deserve to know.
MAGS: You deserved to know when I was alive. Knowing who he is
now would not solve anything.
LEX: I don’t know about that. I might feel better if I could just punch
him. Once. Or Twice.
MAGS: (Laughs.) Well, that I’d like to see! Now, back to your list …
you were mad, disappointed, heart-broken, insecure, and curious.
Whew! That’s a lot of baggage to lug around. Lex, you’ve got to
throw all that stuff out to the curb! And get on with living your life.
LEX: Don’t you have something else you can go do? Someone else
you can haunt besides me?
MAGS: Nope. I can’t think of anywhere, anything, or anyone else. I
like being here with you, watching you flirt with Winnie!
LEX: Her name is Winifred. Not Winnie.
MAGS: You know I don’t like stuffy names.
GARY RAY STAPP 47
LEX: Yeah, I know. You never once called me Lexington.

MAGS: No, I didn’t. I couldn’t! I tried once, but it nearly made me
vomit. Lexing—ing-ing-ing-ughhuuuuuh! See, I can’t do it.
LEX: That was a little over-dramatic, don’t you think?
MAGS: Of course. Would you expect less?
LEX: No, Maggie, I wouldn’t.
MAGS: That’s not nice. I don’t like that.
LEX: Maggie, Maggie, Maggie…
MAGS: Stop! Do you want me to throw up again?
LEX: No, I want you to leave.
MAGS: OK, OK. But you still haven’t said where Winni-FRED went.
LEX: She went downstairs to the café.
rm fo l
MAGS: The café? Why didn’t you go with her? It could’ve been your
rfo ot sa
first date.
LEX: If she and I ever have a first date, I’d rather it be far more special
ce
than the IKEA café.
r
pe N ru
MAGS: Oooooo! So, you’re thinking about a real date, huh?

LEX: (Hesitates.) I guess I am.
an
MAGS: Then what’s stopping you?
Pe
LEX: You are!

MAGS: Oh! Then I’m out of here! (Turns and hurries for the
emergency exit.)
LEX: Finally! And Mags, this time, why don’t you just follow the arrows
on the floor and leave the emergency exit alone.
MAGS: Oh, you’re no fun! (Hurries off, but stops and turns.) Lex, I
just had a great idea! Take Winni-FRED to that romantic little
restaurant you took me to. Café Des Abattoir… it’s just around the
corner.
LEX: Café Des Abattoir? I never took you there.
MAGS: Oh… ooops… uh, never mind. (Exits upstage left.)
OZ enters upstage right, looking around, obviously searching for

someone.
OZ: (Sees LEX.) Excuse me, you’re Winifred’s friend, right?

LEX: Yes, I suppose you could call me that. My name’s Lexington.
But then, you knew that already, didn’t you?
OZ: An occupational proclivity. In my position, it’s hard not to

eavesdrop. I’m Oz, by the way.
LEX: Oz? Is that short for Oswald?
OZ: Nope. But it is one letter shorter than my usual moniker. Say, you
haven’t seen a lady come through this way wearing a big hat and
carrying a duffle bag?
LEX: No. Don’t tell me there’s another psycho on the loose. (Beat.)
Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m usually far more professional.
OZ: No worries. And no, this isn’t another one. It’s our anthem singer…
in disguise.
LEX: Oh. Her. I’ll let you know if I see her. What about the others?
Have they been arrested for public disturbance? Assault? Domestic
rm fo l
violence?
rfo ot sa
OZ: No. I thought it would best for them if we didn’t add to their
problems. The two ladies are in separate offices downstairs …
ce
cooling off. I patched-up the husband and sent him home in a cab.
r
pe N ru
LEX: What about Isaiah?

OZ: Isaiah? You know him, then?
an
LEX: We’ve met. He’s—he’s an interesting fellow.
Pe
OZ: You got that right. He lives here. Did he tell you that?
LEX: I sort of put two and two together. I’m amazed the management
lets him stay here – day and night.
OZ: Oh, they don’t know that he does.
LEX: Then shouldn’t you tell them?
OZ: Well, my job is head of security, and I believe the store is more
secure at night having Isaiah here. Besides, he’s harmless. Just a
dude trying to find his way in a world that scares the hell out of him.
LEX: What do you mean?
OZ: He’s a veteran. Deployed first to Afghanistan. Then did a tour in
Iraq. Served his country. Came home to more fighting, this time
with his family—political disagreements. At any rate, he started
having problems and—well, let’s just say he couldn’t keep a job.
LES: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
OZ: Yeah. PTSD as you people call it. I found him one morning, curled
up next to the dumpsters out back. It broke my heart, seeing him
like that. So, I brought him inside, got him a cup of coffee. Fed him
breakfast. He’s been here ever since.
LEX: How long has that been?
GARY RAY STAPP 49
OZ: About three months.

LEX: Wow.
OZ: Yeah. He may not act like it, but he’s scared to death to leave this
place. And for now, he feels safe. He feels content. I can’t take that
from him.
LEX: You’re a good man, Oz.
OZ: So are you, Lexington. Only you’re missing something, aren’t you?
LEX: Missing something? No.
OZ: Yes, you are.
LEX and OZ stare at one another for a few beats.
rm fo l
LEX: You talk like you know me.
rfo ot sa
OZ: I know enough. At the very least, I can see around that Mount
Rushmore face of yours.
ce
LEX: (Surprised.) That’s an uncanny coincidence. My wife Mags used
r
pe N ru
to tell me I had a face that belonged on Mount Rushmore.

OZ: Serious and stony.
an
LEX: How’d you know?
Pe
OZ: Just stating the obvious. (Beat.) A wife, huh? You’re not wearing
a wedding band.
LEX: I’m not—married—anymore.
OZ: Would you like to be again?
LEX: Actually, I think would.
OZ: Winifred?
LEX: (Laughs.) You are observant. (Beat.) As crazy as this sounds, I
think I might be––
OZ: Falling in love with her?
LEX: In love? No, I just met her. Today. So I can’t be in love. That
wouldn’t at all be sensible.
OZ: Lexington, what I find that doesn’t make sense is all the
foolishness that folks put each other through. Bad decisions that
hurt innocent people. Getting all bent out of shape because of a
different skin color, a different religion, a different what-ever, you
name it. I don’t understand why differences have to be hated or
feared. It’s all bullshit, Lexington. When you look at all the hate in
this world, the only redeeming thing that makes any sense at all is
love.
LEX: That’s… profound. You should write a book.

OZ: I have. Well, I’ve inspired one at least.
LEX: You know, Oz, these feelings I have for Winifred … they just feel
right. Would I would be an absolute dumbass if I didn’t take
advantage of this opportunity to get to know her?
OZ: Well, dumbass might be a little strong, but let’s roll with it.
LEX: I need to start living again, and stop playing it safe.
OZ: I couldn’t agree more.
LEX: I need to man up and take some real chances in my life.
OZ: I second that, too.
LEX: I want to start a new life. I want to know joy again. I want to
make love!
rm fo l
OZ: Why not?!
rfo ot sa
WINIFRED enters upstage left with two cups of to-go coffee. OZ sees
ce
her. r
pe N ru
OZ: What are you waiting for?

an
LEX: I don’t know. What the hell am I waiting for?
Pe
OZ takes LEX by the shoulders and turns him to face WINIFRED.
OZ: If you ask me, this new life you want, it could start with her.
OZ gives LEX a push, then exits upstage right, as WINIFRED crosses

downstage to LEX.
LEX: Winifred! (Rushes to her.) I’ve come to some bold conclusions

and you should know they involve you.
WINIFRED: Me?
LEX: Us. I’ve been talking with Oz and he thinks we should make love.
WINIFRED: Oh, he does? Oz said that?
LEX: Well, maybe he didn’t say it quite like that. But, if you’d like, we
could go out for dinner, or see a movie… first.
WINIFRED: So, I have options?
LEX: A, B, or C.
WINIFRED: I choose D.
LEX: What is D?
GARY RAY STAPP 51
WINIFRED: We don’t rush into anything until we’ve engaged in at least

30 minutes of meaningful conversation.
LEX: Deal. Shall we start adding to the minutes now?
WINIFRED: That was my plan, in spite of what you and Oz may have
been cooking up. But for the record, my brother just told me that if
you were to ask me out, I should say yes.
LEX: I like your brother! Is he here?
WINIFRED: (Hesitates.) Yes. I ran into him in the café. He’s here, too.
Shopping. Here. (Hands LEX the coffee) I brought this for you.
LEX: Thanks. How did you know I like coffee?
WINIFRED: Call it a hunch. Personally, I don’t care for it.
LEX: (Indicates her cup.) Then what is that?
rm fo l
WINIFRED: Hot chocolate.
rfo ot sa
LEX: Darn. I was hoping it was coffee.
WINIFRED: Why?
ce
LEX: It’s good for couples to have things in common.
r
pe N ru
WINIFRED: We’re not a couple. We just met.

LEX: But the signs are there.
an
WINIFRED: Signs?
Pe
LEX: You brought me coffee. That must be a sign for something.

WINIFRED: Maybe. I added sugar and cream, I hope that was alright?
LEX: Perfect.
WINIFRED: You drink it black, don’t you?
LEX: Usually.
WINIFRED: Well, I got that wrong. What sort of sign would you say
that was?
LEX: The sign of a challenge. A dare, if you will, to discover something
we have in common.
WINIFRED: I doubt that you and I have anything in common.
LEX: I’m sure we do. (Gets close to WINIFRED.) Give us ten minutes
and I bet we discover something.
WINIFRED: You’re being uncomfortably demanding.
LEX: Sorry. Give it some time, please? Is that better?
WINIFRED: Slightly. (Beat.) At least you’re enthusiastic.
LEX: (Indicates the bar stools.) Here, let’s sit and talk. Unless you
would rather go someplace else? I hear there’s a nice little French
place around the corner…
WINIFRED: That’s OK. I’m at least fifteen minutes from saying yes to
option B.
LEX: (Seductively.) What’s your timeframe for option A?
WINIFRED: (A beat.) Really?
LEX: Sorry. It’s that darn enthusiasm thing. (Indicates the stools.) So…
WINIFRED: (Sits.) So?
LEX: (Sits.) So … you have a brother. I’m an only child. You’re lucky.
What’s he like?
WINIFRED: Well, he’s a lot like you—persistent. But he’s also smart,
and funny, and handsome.
LEX: So, you think I’m handsome?
WINIFRED: Well, no. I didn’t say that.
rm fo l
LEX: You said your brother was smart, funny, handsome.
rfo ot sa
WINIFRED: Yes, but––
LEX: And you said, and I quote, “he’s a lot like you”, unquote. You
ce
being me, of course.
r
pe N ru
WINIFRED: Lexington, are you making fun of me?

LEX: Not in the least. So, you don’t think I’m handsome?
an
WINIFRED: I didn’t say that either!
Pe
LEX: So you do think I’m handsome!

WINIFRED: Yes! I mean… well, you’re OK to look at in department
store lighting. But I admit you have attractive eyes.
LEX: Oh, I have attractive eyes, is that it?
WINIFRED: Yes… no… oh, stop.
LEX: (Laughs.) So, it appears the proverbial “shoe is in on the other
foot”. You shoved words in my mouth earlier. How’s that tasting
now?
WINIFRED: Bittersweet. But you… you’re just fishing for compliments.
And in the process, you’re making me all – flustery.
LEX: Flustery? That sounds like something Winnie the Pooh would
say.
WINIFRED: Don’t you dare go there!
LEX: (Laughs.) OK, no Pooh Bear.
WINIFRED: Besides, his phrase was blustery.
LEX: Not much different.
WINIFRED: Different enough.
LEX: OK, enough about your brother and my dashing good looks.
What about your parents?
GARY RAY STAPP 53
WINIFRED: They’re both deceased.

LEX: I’m sorry. Unfortunately, my parents are still alive.
WINIFRED: Lexington! That’s an awful thing to say.
LEX: No, no, no, no! I just meant it’s unfortunate that we, again, have
yet another dis-similarity. But there’s got to be something we have
in common. Tell me some things about you?
WINIFRED: There’s really nothing to tell that you would find
interesting.
LEX: Let me be the judge of what interests me. I know, just give a list
of things off the top of your head.
WINIFRED: Off the top of my head?
LEX: Yeah. Don’t try to think of anything. Just do a laundry list of
rm fo l
details, in say, fifteen seconds.
rfo ot sa
WINIFRED: Fifteen seconds?
LEX: That’s not asking for much, is it?
ce
WINIFRED: (A beat.) Alright.
r
pe N ru
LEX: (Looks at his watch.) Fifteen seconds. Ready… Go!

WINIFRED: I’m 36 years old; I live alone, not counting my cat. I don’t
an
own a TV; I read a lot, poetry mostly. I love Shakespeare! But
Pe
sometimes I’ll read a silly romance novel, but the story lines
always make me… never mind—
LEX: Five more seconds!
WINIFRED: Uh… (Quickly.) I’ve never been on an airplane; never ate
sushi; and I’ve never been in love!
LEX: Time! (Looks at WINIFRED thoughtfully.) See that wasn’t so bad,
was it?
WINIFRED: I am so embarrassed.
LEX: Why, because you have a cat?
WINIFRED: No. Of course not.
LEX: What’s your cat’s name?
WINIFRED: Sebastian.
LEX: Sebastian. I like that. The name, not that you have a cat.
WINIFRED: You don’t like cats?
LEX: I don’t really like pets, in general. So, how about another fifteen
seconds?
WINIFRED: I don’t think so. I’ve told you too much already. (After a
beat.) OK, go ahead. Say something about it.
LEX: About what?
WINIFRED: I just confessed to you that I’ve never been in love.

LEX: I heard.
WINIFRED: What, no comment? No exclamation of surprise?
LEX: OK, I think it’s sexy.
WINIFRED: Sexy? That’s the best you can come up with?
LEX: In three seconds? Yes. I am curious though. Have you ever
been kissed?
WINIFRED: Of course. I haven’t been a nun.
LEX: Oh. That’s too bad.
WINIFRED: Why is that too bad?
LEX: Well, I was kind of hoping you wouldn’t have anyone to compare
me with once we kissed. Mags always told me I kissed like a walrus.
rm fo l
Whatever that means.
rfo ot sa
WINIFRED: What makes you think we’re going to kiss?
LEX: Oh, it’s going to happen. The sexual tension between us is
ce
palpable. Don’t you feel it?
r
pe N ru
WINIFRED: No.
LEX: Admit it, you’ve been imagining some sort of dalliance with me?
an
WINIFRED: A dalliance?
Pe
LEX: You’ve probably been trying to picture me naked.

WINIFRED: No! That never crossed my mind.
LEX: Well, you said I have attractive eyes. We’re practically to third
base.
WINIFRED: You’re moving a little fast, don’t you think?
LEX: Sorry. I’ve just been wasting too much time already. Years of my
life, actually.
WINIFRED: I know what you mean. (Lowers her eyes to stare at his
mouth for several beats.)
LEX: Hey! My attractive eyes are up here.
WINIFRED: Sorry. I was only staring at your lips.
LEX: Uh, huh.
WINIFRED: And wondering… what it would be like… to kiss a walrus?
LEX: (Shrugs.) Only one way to find out.
WINIFRED and LEX stare at each other for a beat, then slowly they
lean in toward one another, and their lips gently touch. After several
long beats, they pull away.
GARY RAY STAPP 55
LEX: (Smiles.) So, what did you think?

WINIFRED: Honestly?
LEX: Yes.
WINIFRED: Well, it reminded me of a book I read once. A Harlequin
Romance novel.
LEX: Oh, yeah?
WINIFRED: Entertaining, but not spectacular.
LEX: I’ll take it. So long as you give yourself the opportunity to
formulate a second opinion.
WINIFRED: I suppose I can agree to that. Although that might lead me
to experiencing something entirely new with you.
LEX: God, I hope so.
rm fo l
WINIFRED: (Crosses to sit on a stool.) You’re awfully eager. I doubt
rfo ot sa
my father would have approved of you.
LEX: (Following WINIFRED.) Fathers are supposed to be protective.
ce
But I bet your mother would have liked me. A lot!
r
pe N ru
WINIFRED: I can’t say that she would or wouldn’t have. I really never
knew her.
an
LEX: She died young?
Pe
WINIFRED: Yes, when I was four. My brother was older so he

remembers her better. He said she was pretty, but that I looked
nothing like her because I was plain.
LEX: Your brother lied to you. (Gently places his hand on her thigh.)
There is nothing plain about you.
WINIFRED: Occasionally he told the truth. (Pointedly removes LEX’S
hand from her leg.) At least he warned me about boys and men.
LEX: What did he warn you about?
WINIFRED: What do you think?! That you men only want one thing.
Which I think is mostly true. So anytime a man, like yourself, tells
me I’m pretty, I suspect something is up.
LEX: I said you were pretty because it’s true.
WINIFRED: If you say so.
LEX: I thought I had established that fact earlier when we first met.
WINIFRED: You danced around it. I’m just not sure if it was a two-
step or a tango.
LEX: (Laughs.) Your choice. I can do either, quite well. Do you like
to dance?
WINIFRED: I don’t know. I’ve never danced with anyone.
LEX: Not even a slow dance?

WINIFRED: No. I happened to have missed my prom.
LEX: (Stands.) No time like the present.
WINIFRED: Oh, no. I’m not dancing with you. Not here.
LEX: Come on! (Looks around.) Nobody’s around.
WINIFRED: Fine. (Stands and lets LEX take her in his arms. They
begin to move in a circle.)
LEX: So, what do think?
WINIFRED: I think we must look like idiots.
LEX: I think this is nice. You know, sometimes we men just want to
dance.
WINIFRED: If you say so.
rm fo l
LEX: So, your dad. When did you lose him?
rfo ot sa
WINIFRED: A few months ago. He had been ill for several years. I
lived with him and took care of him full-time until he died.
ce
LEX: But you have some freedom now, right?
r
pe N ru
WINIFRED: Correct. I just don’t know what to do with it. Or where to

start.
an
LEX: Why don’t you take a trip?
Pe
WINIFRED: A trip?
LEX: Yeah. A vacation. Catch a train, or hop on that airplane you’ve
never been on. Go somewhere. Have some fun.
WINIFRED: I don’t think I could do that. Not by myself. My brother, he
promised me a vacation once, but, then he also promised me he
would help with dad. Neither of those promises were kept.
LEX: Apparently, he didn’t want the responsibility, and he didn’t have
to take it because you willingly shouldered it for both of you.
WINIFRED: Yes, I suppose I did.
LEX: So, how did that make you feel? Toward your brother? Angry,
resentful, disappointed?
WINIFRED: What are you, my shrink?
LEX: Sorry. Occupational hazard. I happen to be a clinical
psychologist.
WINIFRED: OK. That changes everything. (Pulls away from LEX.)
LEX: What do you mean? What changes everything?
WINIFRED: I don’t need my life analyzed by a psychiatrist.
LEX: I’m a psychologist, not a psychiatrist.
WINIFRED: There’s a difference?
GARY RAY STAPP 57
LEX: Yes. One is the diagnosis and treatment of—

WINIFRED: I don’t care. You should have told me you were a
psychologist.
LEX: Why? What does that matter?
WINIFRED: I’m not crazy.
LEX: I didn’t say you were.
WINIFRED: (Starts to step past him.) I’m sorry. I—I’ve told you more
than I should have. I’m leaving.
LEX: (Takes her arm and stops her.) Winifred, wait. I don’t want you
to leave. Believe me, I have not been analyzing you. Come on,
we’re just starting to get to know each other. There’s nothing wrong
with that.
rm fo l
WINIFRED: (Studies LEX for a few beats.) OK. But enough about me.
rfo ot sa
It’s your turn to tell me about you.
LEX: (Shrugs.) Ok. I’m a Sagittarius… hate Chinese food, but I like
ce
ketchup on my ice cream.
r
pe N ru
WINIFRED: Ketchup on ice cream? You do not!

LEX: Yeah, I do.
an
WINIFRED: That’s disgusting.
Pe
LEX: I’ve heard that before. How about a new subject? You pick. What
do you want to know?
WINIFRED: (Returns to the stool and sits.) Tell me about your wife.
LEX: I didn’t think you wanted me to talk about her?
WINIFRED: I didn’t, but now I do.
LEX: I don’t know that I’m really comfortable with that.
WINIFRED: Good. I wasn’t entirely comfortable talking about my
father or my brother. So this will make us even.
LEX: (Sits beside WINIFRED.) OK. What do you want to know?
WINIFRED: How did she die?
LEX: Car accident. She was under the influence…
WINIFRED: The two of you were very much in love, yes?
LEX: (Hesitates, slightly emotional.) Well, one of us was.
WINIFRED: Oh, I see. What… what happened?
LEX: She met someone else. I was so naïve. Nearly every Saturday
she would go out on a shopping spree. And I would volunteer to
shop with her, but she always insisted I would not enjoy it. And after
a glance at her shopping list, I had to agree.
WINIFRED: Where did she like to shop?
LEX: Here.
WINIFRED: Here?
LEX: Yeah, here. At IKEA. Or so she would tell me. I was a fool. I
suspected she was having an affair.
WINIFRED: Did you ever confront her?
LEX: No. I was afraid that if I asked her, she would have just confirmed
my suspicions. But then—she died.
WINIFRED: Who was he? Did you know him?
LEX: I have no idea. But then, it didn’t matter anymore. Or at least I
didn’t think it did. Now I’m not so sure.
WINIFRED: I’m sorry. I—I shouldn’t have insisted—
LEX: No, it’s alright.
rm fo l
rfo ot sa
WINIFRED and LEX look at each other for several beats as MRS.
PEALE enters upstage right wearing a broad brimmed hat, overcoat,
ce
sunglasses, scarf, and carrying a duffle bag.
r
pe N ru
WINIFRED: Lexington …
an
LEX: (Leaning toward her.) Winifred …
Pe
WINIFRED: Lexington.
LEX: Yes?
WINIFRED: There’s a strange woman over there watching us.
LEX: (Looks.) Oh, that must be our protest organizer from earlier.
WINIFRED and LEX watch as MRS PEALE steps past them, and sits
the duffle bag down at downstage left, and then begins to eye the floor
intently. She then turns to them and smiles.
WINIFRED: Really?
LEX: She’s in disguise. Oz gave me a heads up.
MRS PEALE, glances around quickly, then she picks up the duffle and
hurries away and exits upstage left.
WINIFRED: What do you suppose that was all about?

LEX: I don’t know. But where is Oz when you need him?
OZ enters, walking up behind them.

GARY RAY STAPP 59
OZ: Hey folks.

LEX: Speak of the devil!
OZ: Hey! (Playfully smacks LEX on the back of his head.) That cuts
me deep, man. Real deep.
WINIFRED: Oz, Mrs. Peale was just here. She looked as though she
was up to something.
OZ: Yeah, she’s up to something alright.
WINIFRED: It’s these arrows, isn’t it?
OZ: Oh, yeah.
LEX: I’d say she’s struggling with some degree of OCPD.
OZ: Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder. Yeah, that would be
rm fo l
one way of describing her. Others would say she’s nuttier than an
rfo ot sa
Almond Joy bar.
LEX: (Attempting a joke.) Sometimes you just feel like a nut––
ce
WINIFRED: That’s not funny. I think she’s adorable.
r
pe N ru
LEX: She probably needs psychiatric help.

OZ: Probably. But a big hug might do her just as much good.
an
WINIFRED: I could that. Only I’ve probably missed my chance.
Pe
OZ: She’ll be back— (Looks at his watch.) In about one minute.

WINIFRED: In one minute? How do you know?
OZ: It’s her routine. Every Friday, at the same time. Never fails.
LEX: That’s – fascinating.
OZ: Oh, it’s a trip, I’ll tell you that. Similar to what you’ve seen before.
First, the petition, then her attempt to assemble a protest— (OZ’S
phone beeps.) Excuse me. (Looks at his cell phone.) Elijah! Good
Job!
WINIFRED: Another one of your children?
OZ: A co-worker, mostly. He also acts as my vacation planner. He just
arranged for me to have a little island all to myself.
LEX: An island? All to yourself?
OZ: He’s practically a miracle worker.
LEX: I need you to hook me up with your vacay guy.
OZ: A traveler, too, are you?
LEX: I used to be. My wife and I loved going to new places, exploring
different countries, meeting new people… (Nostalgic.) Our love for
travel was the only thing we had in common.
WINIFRED reacts.
LEX: (Thoughtful.) Those times were probably our happiest.
WINIFRED reacts again.
LEX: But I haven’t been anywhere foreign for long time now. Not
counting Florida.
OZ: (Laughs.) I hear you. Then, you’re overdue for a trip. What about
you, Miss Winifred? Are you a world traveler too?
WINIFRED: (Abrupt.) No.
OZ: The states only, huh?
rm fo l
WINIFRED: I’ve been nowhere.
rfo ot sa
OZ: Nowhere?
WINIFRED: (Cool and distant.) No. I don’t even own a suitcase.
ce
OZ: Well, the earth is a beautiful place to explore, if I do say so myself.
r
pe N ru
You two should hop on a plane and fly to someplace romantic.

WINIFRED: (Suddenly uneasy.) I––I don’t think so.
LEX: Why not?
an
Pe
WINIFRED: Because… because three would be a crowd. (Rises and

moves away.)
LEX: Three?
WINIFRED: Excuse me. (Exits upstage left.)
OZ: She’ll be back.
LEX: She’s never been on a plane.
OZ: She’s never had to compete with a memory either.
LEX: Mags. Why did I have to mention her?
OZ: Why did you?
LEX: (Irritated.) I wouldn’t have if you hadn’t lured me into a
conversation about travel.
OZ: Are you implying it’s my fault?
LEX: No. Sorry.
OZ: You’re forgiven. One day, Lexington, you’ll realize I don’t say or
do anything without a greater purpose.
LEX: Pardon me?
MRS. PEALE enters upstage left.

GARY RAY STAPP 61
OZ: Oh, look. It’s Mrs. Peale. Right on time.

LEX: Oz, what did you mean––?
OZ: (Shushes LEX.) Stay here.
OZ slips upstage to observe as MRS. PEALE crosses to the foot of the

bed and drops her duffle upon it. Then suddenly she removes her hat,
scarf and glasses and walks to LEX.
MRS. PEALE: (Hands LEX her items.) Excuse me, Tinkerbelle.

Would you mind holding these things for me?
LEX: Uh— (He looks at OZ. OZ gives him an “OK”.) —sure.
MRS. PEALE: Thank you. (Pinches him on the cheek.) You’re a doll.
rm fo l
(Turns away and waits for LEX to help her remove her coat.) Well–
rfo ot sa
LEX: Sorry. (Removes MRS. PEALE’S coat from her shoulders.)
ce
MRS. PEALE then returns to the duffle, opens it, and begins singing as
r
pe N ru
she retrieves items from the duffle.

an
MRS. PEALE: (Singing.) Hush little baby, don’t say a word— (Takes
Pe
out a gallon of paint.)—Mama’s going to buy you a mockingbird –

(Takes out a paint tray.)—and if that mockingbird don’t sing – (Takes
out a paint roller.) – Mama’s going to buy you a diamond ring –
(Takes out an extension handle.) And if that diamond ring turns
brass – (Begins to assemble the paint roller and extension handle.)
– Mama’s going to buy you a looking glass. And if that looking glass
gets broke— (Stops singing and shakes her head.) Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.
Then Mama’s going to have to fix it! (Suddenly steps forward takes
her stand with vigor.) BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME BY THE
CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES, AND IN THE SPIRIT
OF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE I, AS A FREE
AMERICAN WOMAN, HEREBY EXCERSIZE MY UNALIENABLE
RIGHT TO ENJOY LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT OF
HAPPINESS! ASK NOT, I SAY, WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO
FOR YOU, BUT WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR COUNTRY!
THEREFORE AND HENCEFORTH, I TAKE UP THESE ARMS IN
DEFENSE OF MY RIGHT OF FREE SPEECH!
OZ begins to cross down to MRS. PEALE.

LEX: Wow!
MRS. PEALE: NO LONGER WILL I SIT IDLE AND ALLOW THESE
SYMBOLS TO DESCERATE THIS REVERENT PLACE WITH
THEIR EVIL AND DECEITFUL INTENTIONS!
OZ: (Steps to MRS. PEALE.) OK, Mrs. Peale, that’s enough.
MRS. PEALE: Stand away! (Threatens OZ with the paint roller.) I have
friends coming soon to join me in this crusade: John, Paul, George,
and Ringo—
OZ: That will be nice. I’m a big fan.
MRS. PEALE: (Singing and playing guitar with the paint roller.) Nah-
nah-nah-na-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah, na-nah-nah-nah-nah, nah-nah-
rm fo l
nah, nah-nah-nah—
rfo ot sa
OZ: Mrs. Peale, I can’t let you paint over the arrows.
MRS. PEALE: Why not? (Abruptly calm.) I chose a nice color of paint,
ce
don’t you think?
r
pe N ru
OZ: Oh, yes. That’s a very pretty color.

MRS. PEALE: Thank you.
an
OZ: I have an idea. Why don’t you let me carry that roller, and then
Pe
let’s you and I go downstairs? There is a room down there that

needs a new coat of paint. And this color would be perfect.
MRS. PEALE: How nice! (Hands OZ the roller.) Here. Oh, and
Lieutenant, did you hear my speech?
OZ: I did. It was very well said.
MRS. PEALE: (Smiles grandly.) I would make a great politician, don’t
you think? A senator maybe?
OZ: Maybe. But if I were you, I’d chose to aspire to something nicer
and better. (Starts repacking her bag.)
MRS. PEALE: Perhaps I should run for President?
OZ: Well, in my eyes, you would be a perfect fit among the usual
candidates.
LEX: Oz?
OZ: Yeah?
LEX: Mrs. Peale… can I say something to her?
OZ: I don’t see why not.
LEX: (Moves to MRS. PEALE, facing her upstage and takes her
hands.) Mrs. Peale, thank you. You’ve—inspired me.
GARY RAY STAPP 63
MRS. PEALE: Ringo! I knew you’d make it! (Throws her arms around
LEX. Hesitantly, he hugs her back. Immediately, she drops her
hands to his buttocks.)
LEX: (Startled.) I did. (Pulls away and quickly fills MRS. PEALE’S arms
with her articles of disguise.) And here’s your coat––and things.
MRS. PEALE takes the coat, and puts the hat and glasses on. LEX
moves to OZ.
LEX: Oz… is she going…

OZ: She’s going to fine.
LEX: I hope so. (A beat.) Do you think she’ll come back? Winifred,
rm fo l
that is?
rfo ot sa
OZ: No, I don’t think so.
LEX: Oh––
ce
OZ: I know she’ll be back. The question is, are you patient enough to
r
pe N ru
wait for her?

LEX: I’ll wait as long as it takes.
an
OZ: Good. That’s what I wanted to hear.
Pe
OZ and MRS PEALE exit upstage right. LEX looks after them for a
moment, then glances opposite looking for WINIFRED. He sighs, then
sits to wait. Lights dim to black.
ACT TWO, SCENE 2
SETTING: Several hours later.
AT RISE: LEX sits waiting for WINIFRED, contemplatively holding their

coffee cups. He then stands up, checks his watch, and looks offstage
left. MAGS enters upstage right and walks up behind him.
MAGS: Lex!
LEX: (Quickly turns.) Oh, it’s you.
MAGS: I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long. I got distracted. Did you miss
me?
LEX: No.
MAGS: Not even a tiny little bit?

LEX: No.
MAGS: That’s so sweet! Obviously you have someone else on your
mind! So…? How are things progressing with Winni-Fred?
LEX: How do you think they’re progressing? She left over two hours
ago. I haven’t seen her since.
MAGS: Did you go look for her?
LEX: No. If she wanted to see me, she knows she could find me here.
MAGS: Well, I’ll go look for her.
LEX: NO! You’ve done enough already.
MAGS: What we need is a new game plan. We are not throwing in the
towel. You need a W. Two Ws: A win and a Winni-Fred! It’s fourth
rm fo l
down and goal, ten seconds left in fourth quarter, and you need a
rfo ot sa
touchdown!
LEX: This isn’t football.
ce
MAGS: The bases are loaded, Lex––
r
pe N ru
LEX: This isn’t baseball either. But I do think I may have struck out.
MAGS: What happened Lex? I thought the two of you were getting on
an
quite nicely?
Pe
LEX: So did I. One moment I think she’s actually starting to like me,
and in the next moment I don’t know what the hell to think.
MAGS: Well, if you haven’t already figured it out, we women are like
a whole other species.
LEX: Tell me something I didn’t already know. (Sighs.) Mags, I think
I’m...
MAGS: In love with her? Good!
LEX: No, that’s not good. I’m married to you.
MAGS: You’re not married to me any longer, silly. Remember that
part of our vows where you said “till death do us part”? Well, I’m
dead. So, we’ve parted. You are free to love someone else.
LEX: Am I? I don’t exactly feel free. (Sighs.) What was I thinking,
Mags? I can’t get involved with Winifred.
MAGS: Yes you can! You two are meant for each other.
LEX: Well, unfortunately, there’s one problem.
MAGS: And what problem would that be?
LEX: Let me demonstrate. You stand right here!
MAGS: Sir, yes, sir!
GARY RAY STAPP 65
LEX: (Takes a stool and crosses with it to stage right.) OK, see this
chair? It represents me. My world. My thoughts, my feelings, and
my history. And most importantly my future. (Crosses and takes the
other stool to stage left.) And here, this chair represents Winifred.
This is her world, her past, her present, and her future. Our worlds
are separated. I can’t get to hers, and she can’t get to mine.
MAGS: Why not?
LEX: Because there’s something standing between them.
MAGS: What?
LEX: You. Mags, you are standing between Winifred and me.
MAGS: But Lex, you put me here.
LEX: (They stare at each other for several beats.) So I did. I did put
rm fo l
you there. But why?
rfo ot sa
LEX sits on the stool as stage lights fade to just a spotlight on each of
ce
the stools. MAGS crosses to LEX as WINIFRED and STEFFAN enter
r
pe N ru
upstage left.
an
MAGS: You know why.
Pe
LEX: I need to let go of you, Mags.

MAGS: Then let go.
LEX: I don’t think I can. At least not until—
MAGS: Not until what?
LEX: Not until I get answers!
They freeze as WINIFRED and STEFFAN cross downstage left. She

sits on the stool.
STEFFAN: I’m glad you came back, sis. He’ll be glad too. He’s been
waiting for you. And you have been waiting for him… your entire
life.
WINIFRED: OK. I’m convinced, but there’s one problem.
STEFFAN: What’s that?
WINIFRED: You.
STEFFAN: Me?
WINIFRED: You have to go away.
STEFFAN and WINIFRED freeze.

LEX: Did you ever feel guilty?

MAGS: Guilty? About what?
LEX: Did you feel guilty about your affair?
MAGS: No. I did, however, feel bad about cheating on you, but I never
felt guilty about the affair.
LEX: That doesn’t make sense. They’re the same thing.
MAGS: No, they’re different. Cheating was something I did to you. The
affair was something I did with someone else.
LEX and MAGS freeze.
rm fo l
STEFFAN: I have to go away? No problem, sis. I want to go away. I
rfo ot sa
don’t like it here!
WINIFRED: And whose fault is that?
ce
STEFFAN: Look, I didn’t plan the accident. It just happened. And now,
r
pe N ru
I’m dead. (A beat.) But, I’m stuck—here of all places.

WINIFRED: Why IKEA?
an
STEFFAN: I guess because I found something here, something that I
Pe
just took, but shouldn’t have.

WINIFRED: You stole something, is that what you’re saying?
STEFFAN: In a manner of speaking. I was no angel, sis. The life I lead
should have punched me a ticket straight for hell. Instead, I’ve been
enduring a soul-searching layover here in IKEA. A chance, perhaps,
to redeem myself.
WINIFRED: Before it’s too late?
LEX: I don’t think you ever loved me, not like I loved you.
MAGS: Lex, you were not the problem with our marriage. I was the
problem. The truth is I am guilty – guilty for never appreciating your
love for me. I should have been content with that, but I wasn’t.
(Immediately switches tactics.) But you already know this, Lex.
Every word I’m telling you is from your own subconscious.
LEX: Damn it, Mags!
MAGS: Lex, I’m not really here.
LEX: Yes, you are.
GARY RAY STAPP 67
WINIFRED: So, as usual, Steffan, this has been all about you.
STEFFAN: At first. But now, it’s about you. Winifred, you put your life
on hold to take care of dad, and at times, you took care of me, too.
Now, I want to find someone to take care of you.
WINIFRED: It sounds to me like you are feeling remorse.
STEFFAN: Yeah, big time. And for a lot of things I did, or didn’t do.
rm fo l
MAGS: We both know I’m not really here. I’m only a creation of your
rfo ot sa
imagination.
LEX: No, no you’re more than that.
ce
MAGS: Lex, I’m not a ghost. I’m not real. I’m not here.
r
pe N ru
LEX: But (Points.) the alarm?

MAGS: Probably an electrical malfunction.
an
LEX: Probably not. Now stop trying to distract me from my questions!
Pe
WINIFRED: This thing you stole here in IKEA. What was it?
STEFFAN: It wasn’t a what. (A beat.) It was a who.
WINIFRED: A who?
STEFFAN: A woman. Another man’s wife.
LEX: Who was he Mags? What was his name?!
WINIFRED: That man’s wife. She was the woman who died in the
car accident with you, wasn’t she?
STEFFAN: Yes.
WINIFRED: What was her name?
STEFFAN: (Sighs.) Mags.
MAGS: His name was Steffan… with two F’s.
MAGS and STEFFAN move away, watching while LEX and WINIFRED
turn and face ahead, reeling in the revelation of what they each had
just learned. They slowly turn to one another. WINIFRED takes a
hesitant step toward LEX, then another and another until she is at
center stage. But shaking his head, LEX turns and exits upstage right.
WINIFRED, emotional, returns and sits at the stool. STEFFAN crosses
to MAGS as WINIFRED takes her journal and begins to write.
OZ: (Enters studying his phone as he walks past MAGS and

STEFFAN.) Donald, Donald, Donald. Will you please stop
tweeting? (Crosses to stand at the emergency exit door.)
STEFFAN: Well, Mags, we tried.
MAGS: That’s not much of a consolation. I just knew they were right
for each other. I just knew it!
STEFFAN: Me too. (A beat.) Awe, Mags! I don’t want Winifred to be
alone! (Crosses toward WINIFRED.) I wanted her to get to write in
rm fo l
that journal of hers that she met someone special today, and that
rfo ot sa
her brother helped her find the man who stole her heart.
MAGS: And I wanted Lex to find his soul-mate. Someone who could
ce
make him happy. Someone not like me.
r
pe N ru
STEFFAN: We failed them, and we failed us. It looks like IKEA is still
going to be our home-sweet-home, whether we like it or not.
an
MAGS: So, what are we going to do now, Steffan?
Pe
STEFFAN: Well, Mags, I’d suggest we get a life, but we already had
that chance. So, how about we kill a little time and go to one of the
dining room sections and pretend to be enjoying a romantic dinner
in Café Des Abattoir, just like we used to?
MAGS: No. I’m not giving up. Not yet. I’m going to go look for that
bone-head husband of mine and knock some sense into him and
drag his sorry butt back here!
STEFFAN: Can you do that?
MAGS: I don’t know. Come with me, I may need some help!
MAGS and STEFFAN exit upstage left as DW enters upstage right. OZ

watches DW as she moves slowly, hopelessly along. He waves politely
to her, but she turns away, then takes a handkerchief from her purse,
sniffles, and sits on the foot of the bed. DH enters upstage right, sees
DW and pauses before crossing to sit beside her.
DH: Hi.
DW: (Glancing at DH from the corner of her eye, then looking away.)
Hello.
GARY RAY STAPP 69
DH: You didn’t come home.

DW: I didn’t think you’d want me to.
DH: I didn’t… at first.
DW: I’m sure you’ve been enjoying the peace and quiet.
DH: The peace, yes. The quiet, not so much. I missed you.
DW: Why would you miss me? I’m not a very nice person.
DH: No, you’re not. But that’s partly my fault. And I’m sorry.
DW: Is that why you came back? To apologize?
DH: That and I left something here that I shouldn’t have.
DW: Your pants.
DH: No, not my pants. (Pauses for a few beats.) Ask me what I think
of you?
rm fo l
DW: I know what you think of me.
rfo ot sa
DH: Come on, work with me here. You’re always asking me what I
think of this little bauble, or that little thing-a-ma-jig, or this or that
ce
little knick-knack, none of which I honestly have an opinion one way
r
pe N ru
or the other. But you never ask me what I think about important
things—like you. So, ask me. Ask me what I think about you?
an
DW: What do you think… about… me?
Pe
DH: (Smiles.) I think you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
DW: (Tearing up, but making light.) I still know sarcasm when I hear
it.
DH: Guilty. And in spite of your grumbling, your nagging, your hen-
pecking, your whining, your kaaw-kaaw-kaaw, I can honestly say
I’m guilty. Guilty of loving you.
DW: That’s quite a list.
DH: Oh, there’s more.
DW: I get it, I’m a bitch.
DH: Sometimes. But you’re my bitch.
DW: (Suddenly begins to sob.) I’m sorry. Look what I did to you. I’m
so sorry, I don’t know what came over me.
DH: It’s alright.
DW: No, it’s not. I’m going to get some help. I promise.
DH: I’ll go with you.
DW: You will?
DH: Of course. (Stands and offers DW his hand.) Come on, let’s go
home… together.
DW: (Stands and takes his hand.) Together. I’d like that very much.
OZ: (Crossing to them.) I see the two of you have made up! I had a
feeling that was going to happen.
DH: Did you?
OZ: In my experience, couples often, but temporarily, lose that unique
something that makes their relationship special. But I can see it you
your eyes. You’ve found it again!
DW: I think we have found it… again.
DH: And here, in IKEA, of all places.
OZ: I’m glad I could help.
DW: Help?
OZ: Well, you know what they say. The closer you get to God, the
closer you get to each other. (Winks.)
rm fo l
DH: Yeah… right. (DH and DW exchange skeptical looks.) Anyway,
rfo ot sa
thank you for showing us a great deal of kindness earlier.
DW: Yes. You were certainly more kind to me than I deserved.
ce
OZ: My pleasure. (Returns to stand at the emergency exit door.)
r
pe N ru
DW: So, Dear Husband, do you think you can find your way back out
of here?
an
DH: If not, I’ve got another set of clothes on me to negotiate with.
Pe
DH and DW start to walk away, arm in arm.
OZ: Hey, you two. (Nods to the emergency exit.) Why don’t you go
this way… it’s on me.
OZ swipes the alarm pad with his pass key, then opens the door for
them. They exit. OZ resumes his position, studying his app. LEX enters
upstage right carrying a suitcase. He crosses to center stage as MAGS
and STEFFAN enter upstage right and wait.
LEX: Winifred?
WINIFRED: (She looks up from her journal.) Lexington!? You came
back?
LEX: Yeah. Well, I needed to sort something out.
WINIFRED: (Returning her journal to her purse.) I see. (Nods to
suitcase.) That’s an attractive piece of luggage.
LEX: It matches my eyes.
WINIFRED: And where… where are you going?
GARY RAY STAPP 71
LEX: I was thinking… Paris. I’ve never been there.

WINIFRED: That’s an awfully small suitcase for a big trip like that.
LEX: This? Oh, it’s a part of a larger set of luggage. I bought all seven
pieces… here… and at a great price, too.
WINIFRED: Well, I hope you enjoy your trip… and your suitcase.
LEX: Oh, this isn’t for me. It’s for you.
WINIFRED: It’s for me?
LEX: Well, you said, and I quote, “I don’t own any luggage.”
WINIFRED: That’s not quite how I said it.
LEX: Close enough. At any rate, you’re going to need several of
these… you know, because a vacation for two weeks abroad takes
a lot of clothes.
rm fo l
WINIFRED: A vacation?
rfo ot sa
LEX: Winifred, I want you to come with me… to Paris. Will you?
Please?
ce
r
pe N ru
WINIFRED stares at him for a long moment, then she smiles and
rushes to him, throwing her arms around him.
an
Pe
WINIFRED: I would love to go to Paris with you! And you can quote
me on that!
LEX: (Laughs.) Ok, but first things first. I want to take you out to dinner.
That is, if you’re up for a date?
WINIFRED: Option A. I’d like that.
LEX: Then maybe a movie? You know, Option B.
WINIFRED: Which I’m sure you’re hoping will lead to the infamous
Option C?
LEX: I was thinking we could wait and implement that option once we
got to Paris.
WINIFRED: A romantic? I could get used to that. But, Lexington, I
need to tell you something… before we get too involved.
LEX: What is it?
WINIFRED: (A beat of hesitation.) I talk to dead people.
LEX: (Laughs.) Finally! Something we have in common!
LEX takes WINIFRED by the hand and begins to lead her away, but
she pulls him back, just far enough to grab her new suitcase. They exit
as MAGS and STEFFAN move down center stage.
STEFFAN: Mags, it looks like we’re getting out of here after all!
MAGS: Steffan, I’m so happy for them! But, I’m a little nervous about
us. When we cross over, what if… what if we don’t, you know, go to
the same place?
STEFFAN: Well, together or separate, at least we’re moving on. So,
which way is out of here?
MAGS: Well, (Crosses to the emergency exit door and stands next to
Oz.) I’ve found that this way out is fun!
STEFFAN: Yeah, but it says emergency exit only.
MAGS: (Crossing back to him.) That doesn’t apply to us!
rm fo l
Immediately OZ secretly swipes alarm pad with his pass key just before
rfo ot sa
MAGS returns to the door and pushes it open. A brilliant white light
floods over her.
ce
r
pe N ru
MAGS: Wow! I’m getting good at this! The alarm didn’t even sound!
(Rushes back to STEFFAN.) And that light! That’s new!
an
STEFFAN: (Crosses to the doorway.) What are we waiting for?!
Pe
OZ: Uh-uh-uhhh, Steffan. Ladies first.

STEFFAN: Oh, of course! After you, Mags.
MAGS: Thank you!
MAGS exits, followed by STEFFAN. After a beat, they lean back in and
stare at OZ who feigns unawareness as he takes out his cell phone.
They shrug at each other, then exit. The door closing behind them.
OZ: (Looking at his phone app.) Now, I wonder what Isaiah is up to?
(Beat.) Uh-oh. I can’t watch this!
OZ quickly exits upstage left as ISAIAH enters upstage right, frantic.

He starts to hide behind the bed, stage left just as DOT quickly enters
upstage right.
DOT: There you are, you little weasel!

ISAIAH: Stay away from me!
DOT: (Leaning across the bed.) Where is it?! Where’s my clock?!
ISAIAH: You! Get out of my room!
GARY RAY STAPP 73
DOT: (Stepping around the bed toward him.) Your room?! Are you
crazy?
ISAIAH: (Standing his ground.) No more than you are!
DOT: Where’s the clock? I want that clock! (Begins to throw the covers
from the bed.)
ISAIAH: (Rushes DOT, grabs her by the shoulders and pushes her
onto the bed.) It’s my clock! It’s my clock. How many times do I
have to tell you!?
DOT: (Fighting him with a pillow.) Get off me, you… you Neanderthal!
ISAIAH and DOT tussle upon the bed for a few beats, until they face
each other on their knees.
rm fo l
rfo ot sa
ISAIAH: In all my life, I have never met anyone like you.
DOT: Ditto.
ce
r
pe N ru
After a beat, they suddenly embrace and kiss each other passionately
as they fall into the bed. After a few moments they break apart, crawl
an
from the bed on opposite sides and stare at one another for a moment.
Pe
Then ISAIAH pulls off his shirt while DOT kicks off her shoes before
they dive under the comforter of the bed and cover themselves up.
After a beat, they flip the covers back and sit up and look at each other.
ISAIAH: (Breathlessly.) Your name is Dot, right?

DOT: (Also breathless.) Right. And you are?
ISAIAH: Isaiah. (A beat.) Alrighty then …
THEY immediately disappear under the covers again. After a beat, the
alarm clock goes off.
DOT: Ohhhhh... Isaiah...!
Immediate blackout.
THE END
Pe
pe N ru
rfo ot sa
NOTES:
rm fo l
an r
ce
Pe
pe N ru
rfo ot sa
NOTES:
rm fo l
an r
ce
Pe
pe N ru
rfo ot sa
NOTES:
rm fo l
an r
ce
NOTES:
By Gary Ray Stapp
Genre: Comedy
Duration: 90 minutes
Cast: 5 females, 5 males (10 total cast)
Can two strangers find love at IKEA? Possibly—with a

playful ghost involved. Winifred and Lex are both lonely
hearts, but neither of them is convinced that true love
can be found while shopping. Winifred’s brother and Lex’s
deceased wife think differently and have decided to play
cupid for their reluctant loved ones, who unexpectedly find
themselves wrestling with love-at-first-sight. Unfortunately,
the budding romance is distracted by mayhem of all sorts
when a homeless man and a shopaholic ex-con fight over
an alarm clock, while a snarky, bitter married couple play
a convoluted game of hide-and-seek that eventually leads
to several of them literally losing their shirts. Luckily, the
store security guard has words of wisdom for all, but even
his hands are full when a protest organizer launches into the
National Anthem. But when push comes to shove, all is well
that ends well when those who are lost in IKEA find love
where they least expected it.

LOST and Found in IKEA

Transféré par

Informations du document

Copyright

Formats disponibles

Partager ce document

Partager ou intégrer le document

Options de partage

Avez-vous trouvé ce document utile ?

Ce contenu est-il inapproprié ?

Droits d'auteur :

Formats disponibles

LOST and Found in IKEA

Transféré par

Droits d'auteur :

Formats disponibles

LOST

FREE PERUSAL DOWNLOADS WEEKLY

Copyright © MMXVIII by Gary Ray Stapp, All rights reserved.

PERFORMANCE RIGHTS AND ROYALTY PAYMENTS: All amateur and stock

LOST (AND FOUND) IN IKEA

SYNOPSIS: Can two strangers find love at IKEA? Possibly—with a playful

DEAR WIFE (f) .............................. An unpleasant woman. (98 lines)

OZ (m) ............................................ An IKEA security guard with celestial

bed, then up stage to a similar entrance/exit at upstage left. At stage left is an

□ Purse with cell phone and $100 bill (Dear Wife)

LOST (AND FOUND) IN IKEA was originally produced by the Chamber

DEAR WIFE .......................................................... Lori Barcus

For our dear friends, Gary and Kathy Rommelfanger

AT RISE: DEAR WIFE (DW) and DEAR HUSBAND (DH) are

DW: What do you think of this? Isn’t it cute?

won’t play nice.

remarks like “Pump the brakes on your broomstick,” or “Satan

DH: No, I don’t.

shamelessly – engaged – with some bimbo and having way too

it. (Hands clock back to him.)

DOT: It’s nine-tenths of the law, not seven.

DOT: We’ll see.

DOT: Yes, REALLY. It was an eye-gouging, clothes shredding, hair-

DOT: It makes me an ex-con. And just so you know, I don’t intend to

DOT bites at ISAIAH, then crosses to exit upstage left as WINIFRED

DOT: Have a nice day.

ISAIAH: And the day before that.

STEFFAN enters and WINIFRED hurries to him.

I would meet someone special. But I haven’t. Not anyone.

You know it, and I know it.

WINIFRED: Shopping for a husband. That is certainly out of the

WINIFRED: But here? In IKEA? Steffan, this is just too… weird.

MAGS: Don’t forget to mark them off my shopping list, Lex.

MAGS: I’m not sure. Maybe I am a poltergeist! I actually like the

Suddenly, DEAR WIFE and DEAR HUSBAND burst in upstage left.

tried following the arrows on the floor? I imagine they lead to

DW: I’m serious. (Exits upstage right.)

MAGS: And she’s honest, too––

WINIFRED: I can’t take the credit. I’m actually quoting my father.

WINIFRED: Well, you described me as pretty. You could have just

(Points to MAGS.) her.

WINIFRED: You’re married?

LEX: She’s not among the living.

MAGS: Sassy?! You actually said sassy?!

MAGS: Oh, so now I’m sassy?

MAGS claps slowly.

LEX: I’m an idiot.

LEX: Hear what?

LEX: She thinks I’m a kook.

MAGS: Don’t ask me. Ask her yourself.

MAGS: Well he sure as hell isn’t speaking to me.

LEX: But you said your fee was five dollars.

LEX: I doubt it.

ISAIAH: Well, not an escort-escort service. That would be illegal. I’m

ISAIAH: Well, maybe not legit-legit. But anyway, you would be

MAGS: That means he’s wearing nothing under his pants.

the display bathrooms.

know I think I could just live here!

DOT returns and stuffs the clock in her cart.

LEX: Nice clock.

to you. (Sits on one of the stools.)

LEX exits upstage left, as MAGS begins a cheer routine.

MAGS: Ready—ok! L-E-X! Go Lex! L-E-X! Gooooo--Lex! Woo!

STEFFAN: Hey sis!