Lecture-2: Parenthood

That man can have nothing but what he strives for; that (the fruit of) his striving will soon
come in sight; then will he be rewarded with a reward complete. (Al-Qur’an 53:39-41)

Parenthood is a creative struggle to accommodate a new-comer in a world where everything needs to be

shared in the family. It is a journey through new experience that leads to more maturity and
accountability of the parents. The journey is a one-way traffic, full of bends, curves, ups and downs. But it
is the sense of consciousness that makes parenting a lively and challenging enterprise. Positive parenting
requires a determined effort.

Parenthood is an historic journey that brings in challenge and reward in one’s life. At the start of a journey
every parent is expected to know two essential things. Where is his destination and how is he going to
reach there? Confusion or lack of planning in this process will end up with tragic consequences.

Parenthood could be the most pleasurable and worthwhile engagement in life. But preparation is
fundamental for that pleasure. ‘If you fail to prepare; prepare to fail’. A teacher who wants to succeed in
providing the curriculum in a disciplined and safe environment, spends time to prepare a lesson plan.
Likewise, a parent’s long-term plan is absolutely vital for the development of a child’s physical, intellectual,
moral and spiritual life. We all do some planning in our life subconsciously, but tend to ignore that in our
future investment, in bringing up our children. Those who plan for efficient parenthood are rewarded at
the end.

The importance of nurturing children, i.e., positive parenting, cannot be over emphasised. The plants in
the nursery and the children at the home and school ‘nursery’ have striking similarities. The culmination
of a plant is a healthy tree with flowers and fruits. Parental care here does not simply mean providing
children with good food, dress and shelter. It includes proper education and the inculcation of good
behaviour and attitude toward human beings and other creation. Those who create havoc in the society
and become menace to humanity are generally known to have unfavourable upbringing.

Parenting - Islamic Perspective

Islam wants all human beings to grow up as emissaries of Allah on earth. In that respect, parenting in
Islam is a divine responsibility. Parental duty is at the heart of Muslim life. For a sound and healthy
continuity of Islamic civilisational legacy every parent has to transfer the spirit and message of Islam to his
offspring. If an individual parent cannot cope with this great and demanding task for some reason, the
community has to create such network that nobody in the ummah falls through the net and joins the
hapless mob of disconcerted and lapsed ‘Muslims’. It also tells of the immense obligation of the guardians
of a household. In fact, every one in a Muslim family is jointly responsible according to his role in the
house

Islam’s spirit dictates Muslim life in a way that Muslims are prepared even to die for others, rather to live
selfishly for oneself. Here lies the root historic reason of Islam’s lightning success of winning people’s
heart in it’s hey days. Self-centred nature and the concept of ‘individualism’ has very little to do in a caring
and compassionate society. These are departures from basic human qualities and make a society
avaricious and dangerously competitive. They are the features of materialistic societies where human
beings vie with each other to endure and triumph. (al-Qur’an 3:14).

This gives rise to the rule of the ‘survival of the fittest’ which makes some super rich and powerful at the
cost of the majority. In contrast, Islam advocates for social responsibility, without of course endangering
personal creativity and innovation.
It is a balancing act, like walking in the tight rope. Losing balance due to callousness and indifference
brings him down to bottomless pit. Only a full consciousness of what Allah has demanded from man can
save him from that fate, i.e., a hellish life in this world and eternal hell in the hereafter. All these are great
tests of real life. Excessive love for children should not fool the parents in their divinely ordained
responsibilities. Disproportionate love for or apathy to the children is the recipe for misfortune. Those
who are blessed with children should always weigh out whether their children would emancipate them
from or throw them into hell fire. (al-Qur’an 66:6)

There is no room for complacency in parental responsibility. There is also no room for compromise with
the basic principles of Islam. Of course, most parents do make little compromises in a real life of living in
Jahiliyah. But they must be forthcoming and honest with their children. If parents fail in sticking to ideal
Islamic solutions for some reasons, they must openly admit them and clarify to the children so that they
understand the context. However, they must keep on trying to improve their lot.

Muslims in the past played that pivotal role in the world even where they were insignificant in number,
the tiny minority. They were the pioneers in passing on the spirit and message of Islam to their own
children on one hand and to the children of Adam on the other. Like a loving mother Islam deals with
people’s heart with sensitivity. Once that is conquered society brings out its natural transformation.

Parenting in non-Muslim Environment

Many million Muslims now live in the West in the midst of a culture, often alien to Islamic values. For
centuries the world view of the two civilisations, Islamic and western, had difficulties in adjusting with
each other. With the decline of religious influence in the West and intellectual stagnation in the Muslim
world, the gap has widened. Many Muslims coming from disadvantaged positions and settling in affluent
western cities, are finding themselves like ‘fish out of water’. Revert Muslims have their specific
disadvantages and are finding their life not less difficult in their own homeland.

A highly educated immigrant Muslim professional once told me in a voice filled with resentment and
resignation about his two university-going children. His resentment emanated from a long-time
observation of the ‘unsocial behaviour’ of his own children and the children of his friends. What is wrong
with these young people? The father mentioned that they never came and talked to the family friends,
mostly from his country of origin, on their own. Whenever there was any family guest their abode would
be their small rooms. He mentioned that he has adjusted himself to the apathy and indifference of his
children toward their own ‘root’. At the end of the discussion, he sounded a bit philosophical, “we are a
displaced people with our roots neither here nor there. Our children are like uprooted plants struggling to
survive in a pot”.

I am not sure whether his observation is accurate. Even if it is, don’t the plants survive in the hostile
environment, if proper care is taken? As far as human beings are concerned, they are not only capable of
adaptation but also able to influence events in extreme difficulties, if they really want. Of course, not
every body or every nation can manage to survive and sustain in unfriendly environment. What matters is
the physical and intellectual fitness and stamina.

Here comes the enormous responsibility of the Muslim parents in the western society. They have the twin
tasks or mission, which they need to take on board. Or else, they will face the severe consequences in
future. On the one hand, they have to quickly improve their adaptability in the new environment of the
West without compromising the basic Islamic principles, and on the other, they have to undertake great
burdens of raising their children in the prophetic model.

The goal of Islam is to create a world where man is liberated from the clutches of Jahiliyah. That includes
the liberation of mind before anything. Islam challenges human mind and intellect to come clean with
objectivity so that it can think fresh. Contrary to common perception today, Islam promotes intellectual
exercise on any area of knowledge, from aesthetics to zoology. Islam’s assertive character encourages
Muslims to take a pro-active role in the intellectual and social enterprise. It urges Muslims to participate,
interact, engage and influence in society’s common good. It has an ultimate target of leading humanity
toward full submission of Allah.

Questions:

1. What is vital and fundamental in parenthood? What is meant by parental care?

2. What are the effects of self-centeredness and individualism in the society?
3. Discuss the importance of parenting with an Islamic perspective in a few lines.
4. What is the consequence and what can be done if an individual parent cannot cope with the duty of
transferring the spirit and message of Islam to his offspring?
5. What factors are important to survive and sustain in an unfriendly environment?
6. What is the crucial requisite for Muslim parents in the western society to be able to raise their children
in the prophetic model?
7. Why does Islam promote intellectual exercise in any area of knowledge?
 Lecture- 2(b) Journey to Parenthood

“Oh you, who believe, enter Islam in totality. (Al-Quran 2:208)

Decision to become parent is a challenging one. It has a pleasant adventure on the one hand and it carries
physical, psychological and financial cost on the other. Raising up children is a costly business,
educationally and socially. Having a child is an achievement and no achievement can be gained without
some pain. With money, sweat and toil man prepares for parenthood and raises some one who demands
his place in the family, in the society. What is pleasant about it? Self-seeking, individualist people will find
hard to take this on board, to have children. Even if they decide to have, they cannot afford more than
one or two, no matter whether they are super rich or not. Glamorous, high-society women with extreme
feminist outlook of life will find pregnancy costly to their health and social position.

Expectation from Children

Why do people want children? Some look for solace in their loneliness? Some want to show off with their
strength and social position. Some want to immortalise themselves and live longer in their children. Some
people want children so that they can be looked after in their old age. Muslims crave for children for the
meaningful continuity of life. Righteous children are the essential investments for their parents in the
grave.

Biological Fulfilment

Children are the fruit to married life. During puberty young men and women attain required fitness for
biological reproduction. It is a natural phenomenon with physiological and emotional demand. The urge
for reproduction is an animal instinct. What matters most is human dimension, i.e., the responsibility and
accountability attached to parenting.

Joy in Sex: A Process not the End

Procreation is for human continuity. Everything in nature is created in pairs (al-Qur’an 78:8) with a view to
maintaining this continuity till the end of the world. Pleasure in sex is a bonus from Allah and needs to be
seen with gratitude rather than abuse. Sexual gratification with no gratitude to Allah does not befit man’s
position on earth.

Prepare before you embark

In Islam, physical, emotional and psychological preparedness and willingness to become parent is
important to embark on the journey to becoming parents. Matured understanding and sense of
responsibility are essential in parenting. Islam prefers early marriage for many reasons. Teen-age
pregnancy is a fearsome phenomenon, albeit for economic reasons, in the West, especially in Britain,
where the number is highest in Europe. Occasional news that ‘under-age’ (as low as twelve years!) old
girls becoming mothers create sensation, but they are known to be the result of pre-marital sex, even
after heightened advertisement of ‘safe sex’. The ‘condom culture’ is having its toll.

Support from those, close in the family circle, is vital for the journey to parenthood. Arrival of a new
member in the family needs extra preparation and amenities, but one should not wait for a ‘perfect’
financial or social condition. Reliance on Allah solves many problems. Minimise the financial and other
difficulties through hard work and look for Allah’s blessings.
Confident Start and Good Planning

Stepping into the road to parenthood is a unique journey, very new for the first baby. But natural instinct
teaches everyone how to cope and succeed. It needs insight and an open and exploratory mind. People
learn from seeing others and make good planning ahead

Conception and Beyond

Conception is an accident, planned by Allah and the process of reproduction is complex. Divine mercy is
observed in every stage of pregnancy. The life in the womb is a linkage between the world of spirit and
the world of earthly life. All men made a clear covenant with their Lord before coming to this world (al-
Qur’an 7:172).

Verily the creation of each one of you is brought together in his mother’s belly for forty days in the form
of seed, then he is a clot of blood for a like period, then there is sent to him the angel who blows the
breath of life into him and who is commanded about four matters: to write down his means of livelihood,
his life span, his actions and whether happy or unhappy… (al-Bukhari and Muslim).

Boy or Girl?

One should not pin hope on the expected gender of the baby. Decision comes from Allah. The mother of
Mariam (AS) expected a male child, but Allah rewarded her with Mariam (al-Qur’an 3:36). Islam has a
holistic view of life. Men and women have distinctive role in the successful management of the earth.
They are neither opposed, nor unequal, but complimentary. Extreme feminism is disgracing women by
trying to artificially change their gender role.

Baby in the womb

Watch out what the baby does in the tiny space of mother’s womb? It is interesting how modern science
has shed some light on it. Babies hear their mothers’ heartbeat and voice, they kick and stretch. The
burden of pregnancy is enormous on the mother. Mothers cannot even sleep when the babies are in the
mood of playing. Rest, good food, mental peace are essential for the healthy growth of the baby. What
about the spiritual food, e.g, sacred and positive thinking, reciting Qur’an, offering prayers, giving charity,
making supplication for he baby, etc? Whatever mothers say, do or think has bearing on the ever-alert
tiny creature in the womb. In any case, after four months of conception the baby is a human being, not
mere a lump of flesh.

Need for Healthy Pregnancy

Sharing household and others jobs with husband is crucial for successful pregnancy. Pregnancy and
delivery are physically costly and emotionally demanding. As such, extra support is vital. Unusual anxiety
or physical exhaustion can have adverse effect on the mother and baby and even terminate pregnancy.
Children are trusts from Allah, so both the couple need to plan pragmatically, especially in the last days of
pregnancy when uncertainty and anxiety tend to creep in. Labour pain is traumatic and needs Allah’s
special blessing to overcome. Reliance on Allah is the key and supplication is the medicine.

Mother’s Position in Islam

As a result of all these physiological and psychological burdens on the mothers, Islam has placed mothers
in the highest position of respect. “Paradise lies at the feet of your mother” (Sunan an’Nasa’i). Mothers
can earn paradise by carrying out their jobs diligently.
Family Planning or Planned Family?

In Islam children are treated as gifts from Allah and as such the concept of ‘unwanted child’ does not exist.
Ultimate plan for all things in the world is in Allah’s hand. A Muslim is pleased with Allah’s will, even
though it does not fit in his plan. The concept of contraception for just pleasurable and ‘safe sex’ does not
match with the spirit of Islam. They are the recipes for sensual and promiscuous life. Contraception is
permitted in only special circumstances.

To rear up children properly and to look after mother’s health, genuine space between children is not only
acceptable, but advisable. Building of Islamic personality among children is a divine obligation. To ignore
this is sinful to parents and fatal for the ummah.

Questions:

1. How can raising up children be both rewarding and painful?

2. “Some want to immortalize themselves and live longer in their children”. What does the author mean
by this statement?
3. “The urge of reproduction is an animal instinct”. Is that all? How should a muslim view the pleasure of
sex?
4. What balance has to be achieved when preparing for parenthood? Does instinct play a role in that?
5. How accurately does Islam describe the process of conception and birth?
6. Why should a muslim parent try to have no preference in the gender for his child?
7. Why does a pregnant mother has to be increasingly careful about her own actions?
8. What kind of extra support is needed by a pregnant woman?
9. Discuss the implications of: “Paradise lies at the feet of your mother”
10. Can you think of some “special circumstances” under which contraception would be permitted?