29

ridiculous
not easier
like the ot
saying,"Y

Manliness I still d
define as l
in the woI
Pernrcx Celrpra thought, s
I am mort
wer€borr
hashad m
m€asifI
oPtron ou
My thr
WHENpRoLlFIcAUTHoR, sIx Ac flvtsr, ANo psy(:HorHLRApts r Per C,r.r-trtlbecamePatrick Califia
at the .lgc of forty-live, it ivJs a surprise to much of the lesbiancommurritv in rvhich he hadbeena individua
fbrenrtrstpubLichgur....\lthoughinl99ThehadpublishedSerC,rrnges,acommentaryontransqenderthis is wh
politic!, his personald ecision to undergogcDdertransition wasstill unexpectedill many quarters.Four me with r
)crts Intcr,in Ihi5articlc origilalll' published b)' Ihe Srn Franciscosex shop, Go,rd Vibratjons, Califa But some
feilectcdon his experienceofnranhood an.l mascqlinit)i iniured, a
C.rli6alindstheI.rbel'in^n'inadequatelodescribehisexperience,silcehishistor,vandknowledgc
smalle! n
ofthc rvorld hatl becn so diflircnt florn men who rverebiologicalnralesraisedasboys.He suggests tlut
to call me
manhood ir ils conventiondlform hitslittle in conlmon Kilh the $a)'he h,1dchosento bc in theworld,
He llso lcknowledgc:lhtt his own under'stilnding ofmanhood resonates with that ofnlrnli i!onfi, I knov
lnd rras shapedby his historv of living howeveruncomlbrtablv-as a rvoman fbr nTostofbislife.ln relationsl
nrlking theseadnissrons, (ialifiabringsinro Through
1'ublicrliscussioltopicsthathrvecirculatedDrore pri!"atet
for sonretime amongtransgrndernren.SomeF'lNlsfeelthat perhapsit is not possibleto "beaman' other to I
Nithoul o lifetime'.\ socializariLrn in the role ofman. Moreover,sociallvdorninantforr}rsofmasculine fishing. (
personhood-even ii they codd be attailcd arc often not even desl|ed b,vintlividu,rls with temale AI I I h
life histories,farticularlyifthose intlividualshavefeministlerningsind lesbianhistorjes.
ofwhat il
(rFinionlie.e, and raiscs
Califir r.risesthe issueol leI1lrlernasculinitl)in this FKrvoctttivc aswell
the questionofanvattendartpoliticalobligationto reshapcsocialandculturalunderstandings oimas-
II action
auliDil).His i\rticlejs pcrhapsmost rr'levantfor FTNImen rvhohrve conreout ofthe lcsbianfeminisl skill in v
cotumunit), who hate rctained the values of that comnunity ind who have lbrged an evencloser a small-t
senseof comr)runitywjth eachother throuehtheir transilions.Ii shouldalsobe ofintcrest,howev€r, charm, c
to a broacleraudicnceol genderscholarsseeking.ritical \'antag.poinrson the \ocial(onstruclionof another .
nlanhood,olilsculinih,, and maleness. his wife
and nob
"Wh,v irre hlonde tokcsso short?" Wher
"Sotnerl aartretrtnber thatn,"
it just b(
"!Vhv clo spt'rm hirvesuch a shor'tway to swinr?" amazing
"Bi:cLttstiJ thcy ht l to stopta dskdircctions,tlt.yA evr /,dkt it." column
-Anonymous lnternet hunor backwal
better pl
l'm home recuperatingfrom chcstsurSer)..lt hastaken me four yearsof therapy,55 dosesoftesto$€r. onam o
one,innumerableconversations with liiends,a lot ofsoul searching, and two:lonths working fon stake in
gaymen'.smental health serviceto get to this point. In the end, what it camedolvn to wasthatI c0u[ The arcl
Dotprogress in my explorationolmasculinitl and nale identitywithout the helpofa p)astic surgeon longer z
Despitea deepervoice,a redistribution ofbody fat, and a fuzzy thce,in order to passI had to weur I ve I
 ridiculoudl' bulkl jicket irndlin)it nrvsocialiDteractions to gender'Daivet)eople.It had gottenhardct
00teasier, to assertmy preference for male pronollrrs.I-lvenwhen there was poLite cornpliance,I felt
blctheother persont e)'eswere lljckiDg frorn my chestup to my face,and inside thel were silently
nyrng, "\'eah,right."
I $ill don'tquite knorvwbat to call mvself.lt is hard to claim the word "man'; easierto sinlply
ddneasFTM (ternale-tomale)or transgendered. I had irccumulated 45 yearsofhistory operating
btheworld asa rvoman,albeit a very dilierent sort ofwoman, before I transitioned.'Ihose habits of
dtought, self imnge,nrovcmellt,expression:rreharclto break,no nl:rtterhow d€eprny dissatislhction.
Iemmore thana littlejealousof "primarytranssexuals" who canhonestlvsaytheyfeellike men who
{ereborninto the wrong bodies;th.t th€l are correctinqan error of n.rtrrre. Nly genderdysphoria
brs hadmoreto do with feelingthat there is somethingrvrongwhen other peopleperceivedor treated
neas ifl tierea gil.l.Not wantingto be fen)nle,bui Dotha\,iDgmuch enthusiasm for the onll other
option our societvoilers.
trick Caiifia Mytherapistkeepsreminding e that it',spossibleto be both male rnd fenrale,or to crcatean
had been a individual synthesis of genderexpression that is a path bctweenthesedichotomies.I dont know if
transgender tlisjswhereI will be for the restofml life,or jfgettingrnorefacialhair u,ill tip the balanceaDdsend
arters.Four newithmoredeterminationinto the terriloryoi manhood.(It leclssilly to evensavthesewords.)
ions, Cali6a But something haschanged,with the new shapeof n,v torso.I rvls afraidI woLrldfeelmutilatedor
injured, and I don't. I t-eelreliet. I feel lightnessofbcing and hopc nltd optimisnl. lt feelsright to have
lknowledge
maller nipples,a chestthat tellsgrocerystoreclerksand peoplebehindthe counterat the postolfice
uggeststhat
n theworld. htallme sir insteadof ma'anr.
my women, I knowthat some of m,vreluctanceto embracernanlinesswholeheartedlycomesfrom a twisted
rf his lif-e.In alationship with nry fLrthcr,rvho seemeddetermiued to beat an!' resistanceto lirnrir)init)'oLltof me.
)re privately lhrough physicatordealsthat were scriptedas gamesor sports, he ol1-ered rle one chanceafter an-
''be a rnan" otler to pror,eto him that l r!asn'ta girl. Boxing.Football.Shooti|9.Wrestlinq.Hikine. Htrntingand
Irnasculine fihing.Ofcourse,none ofthese contestsu'erefair.
r'Jithfemale
Alll hadto do to loservasto shou prin, losemv temper.or give'up let alonr'cry.Nly l-ather's idea
ofwhat it meantto be a man wasbasedon the insanestanclardsof a Wild Westshow or a World War
risesas well
ngsofmas- Ilaction novie. IJeembodieda crazyirmouDtof pbysicalcourage,strensth,and stan)ina,a spooky
rn-feminist $ll in woodcrah,kno$,ledgeabout wildlite, and al appetitet'br alcohol and rvonen that nradehinr
even closcr lsmall-town legend.He \r'asan jntelligentand unscrupulous sadistwho nevertheless possessed great
clum,charisma, andsentimental tenderness. I ahvavs knervthatmy fathcrrvasquitecapabie ofkilling
itruction of oolher nlan.'lhis wassupposedto makeme feelsai!,sinceoneofthe tasksofa realman is to protect
hiswifeand chilclren,but it seemedto rne that lvhLrtI mostiy neededrvasto be protectedfrorn hirn,
utdnobodv was eoualt() that chore.
llheuI wasequivocating rbout whetherto keeptakingtestosteroire or not,.1sking nrl selfif l liked
itjustbecauseit gaveme an excuseto stick a needletull of a drLrginto my bodl', I tripped over au
rmazinglv deepwell ofshameabout maleness, and antipathltowird it. Thejokesat the startofthis
olumncorre from that place.Everybody,even men, kno$' that they are at best stupid, rvrong, and
humor hckward; al worst, evil.The good people,the peoplcu'ho will transt'brmthe n'orld and makeit a safet
htterplace, arewomen.Theheroof todayis not Superman.Sheis a 16 year-oldcathvomanof color
i oftestoster- dramotorcvcle, or an I 8 vear-oldblondenrartialartist wh o patrolsgraveyards \rith a sharpr.ooden
vorking for a slake in one hand. I love "Dark Angel" and Bury the Va[rpire Slayeri'Amazons are still necessar]:.
; that I could fig3schg1ype ofthe fen'rale rvarriorolferssomethin.q reparative
to 21st centur) souls.But ifl an no
stic surgeon. longer a clyke,no longcr an Amazon, what/lvho am I? AIe men good ibr an)-thing at all?
Ladto wear a l'veaskedas many straight rvomen as I know about this, liguring that sincethey sleepwith men
1,,\lt{ lr \( Alll' ,\

dnd even Iive with them, they oughr to kr)ow what valuablequalitiesthey possess. It seemst0 givit
embarrassing question.A coupleof times,my hel girlfriendshaveadnitted that theyIiIe and i
that boyfrieDdsare useful lbr picking up heaw things and changing the oil in the car.One on T,
mentionedthat her male Ioverwasthe only personwho would rvat(h "Beavisand Buttheafl to eat, l
and laugh as hard asshedid. Another said that watching her boyfriend move aroundthe I couldn
rvaslike watching her big dog run through the park. Therervassomethingunseliconscious leavei' MY
Dhvsicality that madeher lovehim. immediac
\{here are the toeholdsI coulcluseto scalethe wall into the castleof manliness?I Iike ?ven mole
and I think lin pretty good at it, but nly dick is not a biological organ; therelsno u'ayto skirt and o
that deficit. I'm disabled,so I hardly ever pick up heavy things, and what I krorv abor.rt ca$ Thisis esP
be written on the inside of a matchbook cover in 20-poi[t t]?e. Phvsicalgraceis a rareand a waythat
experience. N{ostofthe time I livein my head,or in a book,or in somebodyelseshead.My with cler
in my intellect;my sharpestweaponis my tongue;m),biggestmuscleis ny brain.I getinsidt the bullt
people\ sexual placesby understandingthem, by being willing to see and acceptaspects of cam(
fantasiesor needsthat are usuallyreDressed. ut,
ln a world where women are supposedto feel and men are supposedto act, I standin the or getcaught
and comprehend what both of them are doing, and why. tsut I remain a strangerin eachof rthen Youget
rerrltorles. romething or
When i cravea seamlessmale image,what I\n nostly longing for is consistencvand Casualse
the social convenienceof passingwithout bcing queslionedor challenged.Itt dangerous to cfrcientlYas
other people about your gender There'-s a lot of transphobicrage on the street,looking for a I dont think
Why "normal" people shorrldbe so angry about sorneoneelse'sdevianceis an interesting very much h
but it's not one I want to confront ever) time I go out to buy a sandwichor walk througha iust assume
I hav€beenan outsider all mv Iife,and sometimesI get \\'eakand long lbr the simpleminded to take sexu
of belonging,.justbeingone more hornedbeastin the herd. is their willi
N{aybethe problem is that I am trying to find a diflerent ratiorale fbr living or a diflerent this canbe
virtue for men and lvomen, when ir fact we all ought to be judged according to a single be the one t
thtrgs like compassion,honesty,the ability to nurture, independence,self-care,vulnerability, It's easie
ship, desire,creativity,assertiverress,or industry are worthrvhile qualitiesfor both men and want to ma
to poss€ss.Itl Do longer acceptablefor men to claim exemption from houseworkor the that I'm abl
reciprocityit takesto maintaiuiDtimacybecauseoftheir willingnessto compete,fight, or diein not kiddinl
ousoccupations or emergencies. Still,I keepthiuking theremust be somethinEuniqueabout a trightmar
man, something6t to be celebratedin ritual and mlthology, the stuffof a spiritual mystery for somelr
Or is this desire the root of the ortDressionof women-the need to cordon ofi certain activities Pen,to fal
experiencesand say "Only we can do this and women may not;' becausewe must havea andwe do
pride and uniquenessin order to have rneaningfullives? somebod
Perhapstransition will be an ironic experiencefor me, and I will discoverthat I remainthesan lessbullsh
person,having changedonlv m1'phvsical appearance.Noq that's a depressingthought!I Asbitt
if I can talk abour what I like about being a nan and disliked about being a woman without nessandI
attackedfor being sexist?Can I make a few generalizationswith the understandingthat therewin wasa goo
alwaysbe individual exceptions?I'm not trying to sayone genderis better than the other or ou$tb ing smar
havepower over the other I haveno idea ifthe experienceofgenetic men resemblesmine. Buttakiq fanatlc, a
testosteronehasgiven IIle some cluesabout the differencesbetweenthe sex€s. had a ver
Itl harderto trnck psychologicalor emotionalchangesdue to taking testosteronethan it is tonotie DesP
the physicaldifferences.But I tbink the former actually outweigh the latter. It isn't that salary, h(
has made me a dilTerentperson. I alwayshad a high sex drive, liked porn and casuaisex,coul&l teeth, ar
 M AN I IN IJ SS

seemsto be givingup masturbation,was able to expressmy anger,and shorveda pretty high level ofau
l' like coclc andassertiveness. But all ofthese things havegotten much more intense.During the hrst six
r. One onT,every appetite I had n'aspainfully sharp.A friend of mine expressedit this way: "When
read"with h€B toeat,Ihad to eat right fucking nort If I was horny, I had to come immediately.IfI neededto
the apartment Icouldn'twait. If I was pissedo1i,the words came right out of my mouth. If I was bored, I had
ious about hir I My body and all the ph)'sicalsensationsthat spring from it have acquireda piquancy and
immediacy that is both entertaining and occasionallyinconvenient.Moving through the world
ePenetratiorL morefun, involvesmore stimulation than it used to; life is more here-and-now,more about
r skirt around andobjects,lessabout thoughts and feelings.
,ut cars could Ihisisespecially true ofsexuality.I alwaysliked visualerotic material,but it can take me over now
and valuablc rwaythatit didnt before.This appliesto dirty magazines,X-rated videos,billboards that feature
My macho is cleavage, and any personon the street\l'ho seemsattractive.Betbretaking T, I neverbought
: inside other thebullshitabout womeni sexualitybeing "whole body" rather than genital;I knew where my
rects of their camefrom. Now I feel a much stronger,localizedconcentrationof reaction and need.I can
understandwhy men can (and must!) pay $40 for a blowjob on the $'ay home fiom work,
n the middle caught jacking offin public toilets.There'.s somethingabout having genitalsthat visibly change
rachof these . yougetarousedthat makesthe sexualexperiencenore palpable.It makesthe fact that I desire
or someoneseemmuch more real.
I invisibility, Casual sexhaschanged.When I want to get ofl, my priority is to lind somebodywho will do that as
s to confuse aspossible,and while I certainly would rather havea pleasantinteractionwith that person,
for a targ€t, think a lot about how they were doing before they got down on their knees,and I dont care
rg questron, how they feelafter they get up and leave.lti hard to keeptheir needsin mind; it\ easierto
a museum. assume that if they wanted an)thing, it was their responsibilityto try to get it. I alrvayspreferred
led pleasure sexualinitiative,and that hasbecomeeven more ego-congruent.Part ofwhat t like about men
willingnessto put it out there,so to speak to take responsibilityfor runningthe fuck. While
:ent code of canbe a rather obnoxious quaiity, it'.salso true that if sex is going to happen,somebodyhas to
e standard. oneto say "Leti do it."
Iiry friend- It'seasier to make decisions.I don't get so caught up in agonizing about what I should do. I just
rrd women makea choiceso I caDmove on arrdget somethingdone.What I do matterslessthan the fact
emotional ableto getbusy,feelthat I'm making progress.My hand eyecoordination hasimproved.(l'm
rin danger- I neverusedto be ableto catch things that were thrown at me, and parallelparking was
out being a ni$tmare.Now I don't even think about doing thesetasks.)Working with other people has also,
f teaching. weirdreason,gottenbetter I dont fret about hierarchiesor teamwork.It just seemsto hap-
ctivities or Fn, to fall into place.Ofcourse, that may be becauseI am mostly doing things with groupsofmen,
Lsource of mdwe dont haveto engagein that endlesscrap aboutreachingconsensus, or punisheachother if
nmebody daresto excel.Men seemable to form teamsor squadsmore easilythan women. There's
I the same hss bullshitaboutleadershipor taking orders.
I wonder Asbitterly asl'vehatedmy father,I alsospentnuch ofmy childhoodadmiringhis physicaladept'
Loutbeing lru andlongingfor his approvaland love.(Isn't this a songthat every man singsinto his beer?)There
there.will tnsagood personin there.Ifhe hadnt been troubled by a rnother who made hirn feel guilty for be-
r ought to ingsrnart and healthy(unlike his brother, rvho had Dou'n\ syndrome),a bad marriageto a religious
|ut taking fuatic, a life threateningjob that crushedhis body and soul,and clinical depression,we would have
brdaverydifferentrelationship.
ito notice Despite the terrifying responsibilityof trying to provide for a rvife and six kids on a coal mineri
tosterone mlary hewascapableof memorableacts of careand enchantment.He pulled every one ofmy baby
, couldnt teeth, andwas so quick about it, so good at making me laugh, that I can't remember feeling any
 3
pain at {ll. Whetbe' he wasgivirlglne nastytastingcold medicineor putting ointmentin mI
he wasgentleand sw€etto me when I wirssick.He wasalwaysbringinghome amazingthings
underground-rocks that glorvedwhen vou put theill uirder a blacklight,fossilizedfernsand
footprints,quartzcrystalsalrdagates, plain egg-shaped rocksthat containedglitteringwonders
they were cracked in half. NIy love ofrvildlife and m1'ability to navigateand survive outdoors selt
smnllgifts,and they arethingsthat m)' mother certainlywould neverhavetried to instillin me.
Being a tig or a third-gcnder pcrson is a u'ay for rn€to trv to salvagethe good that I sawin L,
father,the virtues that I seein ordinar) men, rvithout being darnagedby the ugliness,the
rage,the hatredofhr)nrc'sexuais, the racism,thr'arrogance that madernervar;'ofrnv dad.I Zt
bccausehe couldn't shoot our sick old dog, but I hatcd lritn becausehe could clobber meevery
and neverthink twiceabouthow it feltto nreor rvhetherit wasfair.He l\.asnot ableto be
He wasableto shoulderthe crushingresponsibilitv ofbeing a breadwinnerand a man'.s man,
couldnt cngagein enoughintrospectionto .alculatethe costol that,or flexibleenoughto look
othersoiutionsto Iife'sbig problenrs. Stiil,evenin his capacitylbr violence,I am ableto see
utrthwhilc. l'nl not a pacih$t.I can't bclievethat there n'ill ever be a tillre rvhenhuman beings
needhuntersor soldiers.\{hat we needto lind (or rcgain)is a scnseofgriefor losswhenaninal lN aE
relati
human Iife is taken,and a profound humilit). about wheth€r we irre worthv to elTectsucha
Prlnti
changc,cvcnifour ir)l.nli()nsarc ft) servelifo :]ndp()tect thc peoplewe love. and v
there areirltarsto goddesses all overmy house.A lew stittuesand postersofShiva,Ganesha,Cq. N,
nunnos,and Panhavecreptin asu'cll.I havea silverpictureofSrdis,a Celticgod of healing sprinsi blurrt
that I wcar around my neck. Iir glad there are pagat gods rvho are phallic beqausethey repre$d peopl
pleasureor rvisdomor the abiliry to unite wirh the lemaleprinciple, not becausethey aredomineerilg acknc
or murderous.Gods \,\'horep.esentthe \\ild rvorld,rlho guard aswell the feral part ofhumanb€ing!. seem
Ilivine heroeslike Gilgmreshand Enkiddu,men rvholovedeachother. as suc
sophi
It seemsso much more difficult for rren to approaclrole ano rer in a spirit of equalityanddesin
tradit
than it is lor wornento bond eroticallyand rornanticalll'. l]ut I think that is wherernostofthetrans. withir
lbrurationol manhoodand masculinityis takingshape.Fervinsultscancarry asmucb scornasthe trans
word ".-ocksr.rckerl'When I hear somcbodyspit out this sluc I am struck not just by the antigayhatftd plece
behird it. but alsothe sellhatred. Ni

Men aregoingto despise themseives, theirbodies,and theirgcnitalsuntil thevlearnbowtoexpress ifany

their malenessin an honorable aDd respectfulwar'.Despiteour impertections.our iintitations,h0,{ soin
their
do we beconrew'orthy of self-care,and mr,ttualafliliirtions?This qucstion has iar-reachingspiriturJ
notti
and political inplicatirllrs. I expectit may take the w'holesecondhalf of mv life to ligure outeyen a
parti:rl answer.But I beljevesortredatI will hear the word 'tocksucker,"and knorv that it\ saidwh
Some lesb
arve,with admiration,to designate a hoiy person.a stateofpriesthood,a healer,a hero.
irreversibL
lng wnen I
fearsexpre
impacting
identity of
MTFs all h
ambivalen
contribut