Running head: Narrative Reflection 1

Olivia Collins

Narrative Reflection

Loyola University of Chicago

Narrative Reflection 2

When I think of the most important content, I have learned from this program I think of

being a leader, advocate and educator. In order for me to be a good educator, advocate and leader

I must understand how the system works. The system, in this case is educational institutions and

how they operate in the grand scheme of society. Education as a concept has been around for

ages. Schools have also been around for ages but how they operate has constantly changed.

Currently, higher education is running like a business. Like majority of big corporations, they are

being run by white males. The student body population for certain colleges are rarely diverse and

others are very diverse with a small percentage of staff and faculty of color with the exception of

historically black colleges. Students and staff are affected by the lack of diversity they

experience at higher education and a lack of policies that should be in place to assist them at

being as successful as non-people of color. In order for me to be a good educator, advocate and

leader I needed to go through higher education. I was a leader prior to attending Loyola, the

difference is that I am a better leader due to my experiences here. An advocate and educator are

the most vigorous aspects I learned from this program. I have been able to learn to be an

advocate and leader from knowledge about reflective leadership, the significance of a

commitment to social justice, analytical inquiry, research and assessment, and using

communication skills.

The first item I have learned about myself since being in this program is that I am not an

open book contrary to what I thought prior to this program. At the beginning of the program I

thought I was an open book. I learned in my two years here that I am private and selective in

who I chose to share my time and energy with. I wrote a poem about just this topic months ago:

One of the biggest lies I have ever told someone was that I am an open book
When I said it I thought it was the truth
I thought I was willing and able to share myself with another person
Narrative Reflection 3

I thought it would be like the wind blowing the pages

The truth is I was more like an extremely gift-wrapped book
A book inside of a closet
Inside of a chest
Inside of a bag
Underneath colorful paper
Wrapped
Now I know
I always thought I was an open book since I would share parts of myself with people. I
only share parts of who I am that are not vulnerable. I would be emotionally intimate with people
but just enough.
The second artifact I have learned about myself from this program is that I have anxiety
and depression. After being in a car accident my first semester at Loyola, I went to therapy. I saw
a therapist and psychologist for a bit who later diagnosed me with depression, anxiety, and post
traumatic disorder from the car accident. I struggled with the consequences this was having on
me mentally, on my assignments and how I appeared in spaces. For a while, it felt like for every
step forward, I was taking twenty steps back into the rain and thunder. I struggled to get out of
bed, to eat, to tell professors or friends and family about my diagnosis. The only thing I could do
and desired to do was sleep. Eventually, I went to the Student Accessibility Center with the
assistance of my therapist. We created a plan for me to manage with my diagnosis. The plan was
to learn about the diagnosis’s and thrive despite them using therapeutic methods from a
behavioral specialist, one step and one day at a time. Once I understood the diagnosis’s better
and felt I wanted to share, I told those whom I felt comfortable with knowing. In the process of
sharing I learned “student first” did not mean much to all professors and higher education
professionals. While there were those who were amazingly understanding in vague terms stated
on a paper such as: “Olivia Collins is currently seeking medical treatment from a team of
behavioral therapists any and all reasonable accommodations for her treatment would be
appreciated”.
Then there were those who refused to be understanding of mental health issues. I was met
with attitudes and languages from professors that made my diagnosis feel more paralyzing.
Missing class is unacceptable, doctors always want to diagnosis women of color with mental
Narrative Reflection 4

health issues, you should get a second opinion, you will be ok; these were the comments I was
met with as a student and learning professional. These comments were all hard to hear from
people that I trusted and looked up to. The process of learning about my diagnosis’s taught me
that the feelings and thoughts I was having were not just in my head. Showed me the value in
therapy. The consequences and backlash I endured after openly communicating the diagnosis
showed me even when people are not who they appear to be it should not stop me from living in
my truth. I was experiencing a new truth and it was a lot for me, it is a part of who I am. I needed
to own that, learn about that part of myself and accept how it was affecting me. This program has
taught me there is no way around who you are and that to be successful, I would need to own
those parts of my identity as well and how they would affect me as an educator.
One of most imperative things I have learned from my graduate assistantship is that
change is inevitable at jobs, internships and graduate assistantships. Before I arrived at Loyola
my advisor changed due to maternity leave. Maternity leave was understandable, and the
transition was smooth and effective to my growth. Then one year into the program my advisor
explained she was leaving to be closer to her family. While both of the circumstances were
understandable, they were affecting my perspective of the program and their leadership. At my
graduate assistantship the supervisor resigned. With all the changes, I was losing faith in the
program and my own ability to succeed as a Graduate Assistantship in International Housing. I
took some time to meet with my mentor on a weekly basis and discuss the changes and how they
were affecting me. Then I took time to self-reflect on wise words from my mentor and view the
changes from a new perspective. The truth was change was inevitable. Change is a known
characteristic in evolving and moving forward. I was unsure of my new boss, but it gave me the
opportunity to ask to be a part of the hiring committee for the new supervisor. When it came to
my new advisor, I lucked out and got the Chair of the Higher Education Department. The
changes were out of my control when they began but they were positive changes in the end. I
learned that change happens, but the change can be a lesson in disguise.
The other significant thing I learned from my assistantship is understanding your
leadership style is very vital when you are leading others. When I began my assistantship, I
thought of leadership as a position I held. I had power and knowledge and control that my staff
did not have. I had a younger staff who were supposed to follow my lead and look to me for all
the answers. As time went by, the car accident happened, my mental health was out of control, to
Narrative Reflection 5

resigning supervisors the students looked to me for leadership. My leadership over time went
from a skills approach to an authentic leadership approach. The skills approach being, “Leaders
need to have problem-solving skills, social judgment skills, and knowledge. Each leaders’
personal attributes affect his or her skills, it is the leader’s skills themselves that are most
important in addressing organizational problems” (Northouse, 2019, p. 57). At the beginning
these personal skills were enough to be what I considered a good leader but as things began to
occur my leadership style changed. Authentic leadership style being, “Composed of four distinct
but related components: self-awareness, internalized moral perspective, balanced processing, and
relational transparency” (Northouse, 2019, p. 198). I needed to be completely transparent with
my staff about the changes that were affecting them. I needed to be aware of my own internal
conflicts and mental health as I was leading them. In order for me to be a good leader I had to
make those changes for myself and them which ended up with me being an authentic leader. My
assistantship showed me why I needed to learn more about which approach I valued the most and
why I valued it.
The most important thing I learned about social justice is that there are multiple methods
that can be utilized to make the world a more socially just place. This program has helped me see
the ways in which I can assist on micro and macro level. On a day to day basis I can assist my
students with any and all concerns they have such as micro aggressions, organized walk outs or
how to address people in power who are oppressing them. I can be vulnerable with them and
show them that through the system and together changes can be made. Simply listen to the
oppressed students and staff about the concerns they have. On a macro level this program has
showed me that I could join a research team. Implement policies at organizations I work for to
make changes for students and staffed that are oppressed.
This program has helped me with utilizing my communication skills to become a better
reflective leader. I now know a part of leadership is utilizing my communication skills and doing
my research and assessing the value of programs. Being committed to social justice on a macro
or micro level is another part of what I have learned from this program.
Narrative Reflection 6

Reference

Northouse, P. (2018). Leadership: Theory and practice, 8th edition. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.