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It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth
grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history." Who
said, "Give me Liberty, or give me death?" She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of
Toshiba, who had his hand up, "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy. "Now," said the teacher, "Who
said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?" Again,
no response except from Toshiba, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "You
should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do." As she
turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese." "Who
said that?" she demanded. Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said. At that point, feeling
completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna
throw up". Teacher says "who said that?". Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says "George Bush to
Japanese Prime Minister, 1991". Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Well suck my c**k!"
Once again, it's Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997".
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After a micro surgeons' conference in New York, the leading surgeons were taking it easy in a bar
nearby. Being drunk out of their gourds, they began to brag about their greatest feats.
The English surgeon said, "We had a chap get caught in a printing press at a factory last year and all
that was left of him was his little finger. My team and I constructed a new hand and arm, engineered a
new body, and when he was fully healed we sent him back to work. Since then, he has put five men
out of work."
"That's nothing," boasted the Canadian surgeon. "We had a worker get trapped in a nuclear reactor and
all that was left of him was his hair. We built a new skull, torso and limbs, grafted them all together,
and when he was healed he went back to work. He has put fifty men out of work."
Unwilling to be outdone, the American surgeon said, "I was walking down the street one day when a
fart wafted past. I trapped it in a plastic bag and took it to the hospital. My team and I first wrapped an
asshole around the fart, then stuck an ass on there. Then we put an upper body on the top of the ass and
legs on the bottom. Gradually, it turned into Bill Clinton, and he's put the whole fucking country out of
work!"
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LESBO SEX
Why don't lesbians have sex in the morning?
Have you ever tried to pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
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FREUDIAN SLIP
Two men were talking in the bar sharing their sob stories. One man said, "I had the worst Freudian Slip
the other day."
The other man responded, "What is a Freudian Slip?"
"You know, it's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are
really thinking about. Like the other day I was at the airport and this really beautiful lady was helping
me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh', I asked her for 'to Pickets to Tittsburgh."
The second replied, "Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It's like the other day when I was
having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the Orange Juice, and instead I said, "YOU
RUINED MY LIFE BITCH!"
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CLINTON JOKES
Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
Fornigate.

What was President Clinton's explanation for having oral sex with Monica Lewinsky?
"They told me she was the "head" intern!"

Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?

He just bends over the pages!

Most people get AIDS from sex but President Clinton gets sex from aides.
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Arkansas is very proud of Clinton.

All these women coming forward and none of them are his sister!

Why does Hillary wear the pants in the White House?

Cause Bill can't keep his on.

What is the recipe for clinton stew?

A small weenie in hot water.

Why does clinton swim naked in the white house pool?

He is trolling for interns.
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PROSTITUTES
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO
PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A policeman seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either
have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time another car passed with a sign
saying, "JESUS SAVES." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a
little different, it pertains to religion." So they took their sign down and the next day there they were,
driving around town with a new sign which read... "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00!!!!"
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SCREWED
"what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt ?" the shop teacher asked Judi, the only girl in
the shop class during the first day of school. Judi pondered the question for a moment, then replied,
"Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
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DETACHABLE PENIS
On the first night of their honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie
and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her husband had settled down on the
couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because
it's Lent." "Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever
heard," she exclaimed, close to tears. "To whom, and for how long?"
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ROOM SERVICE
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home
from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.
Now after ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around
barking." "Why complain ?" said the counselor, "You're still
getting the same service !"
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WRONG SIDE OF THE BED
A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him
and he says, "Good morning sisters" and they reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong
side of the bed this morning." This stuns the priest who thought he had been very
polite but he just goes on. He wondered why they thought he was grumpy. He encounters a Brother a
little while later along the way and he says, "Good morning Brother." The Brother replies in a sing
song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The priest looks confused at all
this but goes on. He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good
morning Father." the priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed
this morning." Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the
dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father..." The young priest
was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not
get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?"
The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want." The bishop
looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"
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SEX
This ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar
and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar
and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man
joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. Four or five days later, the old
man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful
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examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said "Sure".
The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman
was and where she lived. The old man said "Sure, why?" The doctor replied, "Well you'd better get
over there, you're about to cum!!
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A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the
evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a
really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within
seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most
beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman,
'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's
his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect
all night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the
same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'
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An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing>problem: "I fart all the
time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've
farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills
three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doc, I don't know what was
in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now
they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?" "Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor
soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!"
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The Smiths had tried for years to have a child and not having had any luck, decided to use a proxy
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and
said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me
but I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really ?"
the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I
had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on
the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room
floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good
one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but
you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer
opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus
in downtown London." "Oh my god!!," Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these
twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The
photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid
so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four
and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in
amazement. "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was
contanstly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to
rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?". "That's
right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??," Mrs.
Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's
fainted !!"
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'Take me to the tenth floor,' said a man as he entered the lift of a highrise building.
When the lift reached its destination, the liftman opened its gates and said, 'The 10th floor, beta.'
'Why did u call me beta?' demanded the man. 'I am not your son.'
'I called u beta coz I brought u up,' replied the liftman.
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Sum Ting Wong went for a job interview to be a secretary. When the manager saw Sum Ting Wong's
colorful attire and gold & white highlighted hair, his mind was screaming " NOT THIS WOMAN ".
Nevertheless, he still had to entertain Sum Ting Wong. So he told Sum Ting Wong, "If you could
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form a sentence using the words that I give you, then maybe I will give you a chance!. The words are
GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK". Sum Ting Wong thought for a
while and said: "I hear the phone GREEN GREEN, GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say
YELLOW....BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Aiyah, wrong number, lah.... Don't PURPLEly
disturb people and don't call BLACK, ok? Thank You." The Manager fainted.
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A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse
racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price
for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he
might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the
donkey in another race.
The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher
decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to
a farmer for $10.00.
Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains
where it could run wild and free.
Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE The
Bishop was buried the next day.
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An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak very badly. After a long search
he just couldn't find anyplace to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to take
care of business. Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police officer said, "Hey you, what are
you doing?" "I gotta go, man," replied the tourist. "You can't go here. Look, follow me," the policeman
offered. The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and
manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "whiz away." The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts
right on the flowers. "Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" asked
the tourist. "No. This is the American Embassy."
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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off
and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to
the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and
immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to
help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him
earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he
remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he
finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened
his pants, and she put her hands inside. After a short massage she asked him, "How does that feel?" To
which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
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A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were
sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry
Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge
penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the
dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he
howed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his
briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
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Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
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A: The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs.

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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a taxi cab?
A: You have to pay to ride in a taxi cab.
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Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom?
A: Adjust the steering wheel.
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Q: Why did the blonde have lip stick on her steering wheel?
A: She was trying to blow the horn.
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Q: Why does a blonde wear panties?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
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Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the local football team?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
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Q: How does a blonde turn on the lights after having sex?
A: Opens the car door.
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Q: What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
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Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!
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Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
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Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They are both fucked when they're on their back.
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Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before she went out?
A: If you're not in bed by midnight, come home.
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Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
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Q: What is the difference between a circus and a group of blondes?
A: At the circus you'll find a cunning array of stunts.
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Q: What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?
A: She peed on her corn flakes.
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Q: What did the blind blonde say to her new boyfriend as she was making love to him?
A: "Funny, you don't feel Jewish."
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Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead
transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.
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Q: What did the really dumb blond say when someone blew in her bra?
A: Thanks for the refill.
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Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
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Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
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Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
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Q: Why did god give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.
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Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
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Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)
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Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.
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Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
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Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
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Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
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Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
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Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
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Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.
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Q: How do you drown a blond?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
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Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard
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Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all
three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.
The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor
to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?" "Head up," said the doctor.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down
came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an
execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.
Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" said the executioner. "Head
up," said the chemist. "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." So the executioner raised his axe,
and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. Well, the law
stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist
was set free.
Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" asked the executioner.
"Head up." "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." So the executioner raised his axe, but before
he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out, "WAIT! I see what the problem is!"
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Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had
been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it.
I'm going to set up a test that would run two hours and I will judge who does a better job." So down
Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote
reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mails. They sent out e-mails with attachments. They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They tried their holy / unholy hands at SAP too.
They did every known job. About ten minutes before their time was up, lightning flashed across the
sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off. (We can very definitely
surmise that the contest venue was not in India, because the power would have gone out at the first
sign of the wind picking up itself!) Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word
known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of
them rebooted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone!
I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his
files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became very irate: "Wait! He must have cheated.
How did he do that?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
****************************************************
After having their 11th child, Laloo & Rabri decided that was enough. So then Laloo went to his
doctor and told him that he
and his wife did not want any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a Diwali bomb, light
it, put it in a empty Coke can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. Laloo said to the doctor,
"I'm the smartest man in Bihar, but I don't see how putting a Diwali atom bomb in a Coke can next to
my ear is going to help me with my problem."
So the couple drove to Delhi to get a second opinion. The Delhi physician was just about to tell them
about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed by their Medical records that they were from
Bihar. This doctor instead told Laloo to go home and get a Diwali atom bomb, light it, place it in a
Coke can and hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians knew what they
were talking about and couldn't be wrong, Laloo went home, lit a atom bomb, put it in a coke can. He
held it up to his ear and began to count with his fingers on his left hand : "1,2,3, 4,5" At which point he
paused, placed the coke can between his legs and resumed counting on the other hand. BOOM !!!!
****************************************************
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large
assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of
the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?" "Well teacher, I just saw
one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days." The
teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to
the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks,"What's so funny Billy?" "Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to
see you for three weeks." Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around
again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male
student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you are
going?" she asks. "Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
****************************************************
A sardarji couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The
adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Gujarati baby boy, and the couple took him
without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so
they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired,
"What ever possessed you to study Gujarati?"The Sardarji said proudly, "We just adopted a Gujarati
baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him".
****************************************************
A 90-year-old man went for his annual check-up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age you're in
the best shape I've seen." The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a
good, clean, spiritual life." The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I
didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in
the middle of the night." The doctor was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to
the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get
up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." The doctor didn't say anything else, but
when the old man's wife came in for her check-up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband
said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said, "Your husband's in fine physical shape, but I'm
concerned about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the
bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "He what?" she cried. "He said every night when he
 8

gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "Aha!" she exclaimed. "So he's the
one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
****************************************************
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must
promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the
afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked
inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For
all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the
temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in
the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth.
Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself
not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years
away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad
considering the number of years we've been together."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all
that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them
to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
****************************************************
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of
the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the
pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall
building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The
pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the
aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to
SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how
the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I
knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer.
****************************************************
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer. When
asked to define "great", he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people
will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream,cry,wail, howl in pain,
desperation and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
****************************************************
Two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy,
"how have things been going?"
The second guy, speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I... was... almost... married.
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey! You don't stutter any more."
The second guy says, "yes... I... went... to... a... doctor... and... he... told... me... that... if... I... speak...
slowly... I... will... not... stutter."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks about the exstutterer saying he was "almost married."
"Well... my... fiancee... and... I... were... sitting... on... her... porch... and... the... dog... was...
scratching... his... back... and... I... told... her... that... when... we... are... married... she... can... do...
that... for... me... and... she... threw... the... ring... in... my... face."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
"Well... I... speak... so... slowly... that... by... the... time... she... looked... at... the... dog... he... was...
licking... his... balls."
****************************************************
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and
suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary
figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a
jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane
came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to
her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?" He
replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels."
****************************************************
 9

The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about what a penis is called in
their language.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up for a woman.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia people call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit
you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France people call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA people call it a rumour, because it goes from mouth to
mouth.
****************************************************
One cucumber was telling another "my life is miserable, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone slices
me up and puts me in a salad."
The other cucumber said "yeah well, my life is worse, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts me
in a jar with vinegar and garlic and pickles me." A penis was listening to this conversation and chimes
in, "my life is worse than both of yours, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts a bag over my
head and makes me do pushups 'til I puke."
****************************************************
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The
accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social
security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. "Let's try to
rephrase that." The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both
think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does
chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last
year."
****************************************************
NUN JOKES:
==========
The 7 dwarfs were having dinner with the pope. They were having this elaborate 7 course meal.
Around the 2nd course Dopey looks at the pope and says "Excuse me Mr Pope, Are there any dwarf
nuns in Sweden?" The pope giggles and smiles and says "No my son there are no dwarf nuns in
Sweden." Dopey just put his head down. Around the 4th course Dopey looks at the pope and says "Mr
Pope, Mr Pope, are the any dwarf nuns in France?" Again the pope shakes his head and smiles and
says "No my son there are no dwarf nuns in France." Dopey, more depressed then ever just puts his
head back down. Come the 7th course Dopey speaks up again and says "Mr Pope, Mr Pope are there
any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Again the pope responds "No Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in Italy." "Well
Mr Pope," Dopey saddened,"are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" From the background
during this time you here the other 6 dwarfs "DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN, DOPEY FUCKED A
PENGUIN, DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN!"

A bus that was full of nuns got into an accident, and all of the nuns died. So, in Heaven, there's St.
Peter and the Pearly Gates. Well, since nuns are so good, they have their own special gateway to
Heaven. St. Peter saw the nuns from the bus lined up outside this gate and he left his post and went
over to them. "Okay, sisters, you were all good and holy in life, and so you will get into Heaven. But
before you do, I must ask each of you a question."
He went up to the first nun and asked, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The nun blushed and said,
"Yes, but only with the tips of my fingers." St. Peter held out a bowl of water he was carrying.
"Alright, Sister. Dip the tips of your fingers into this bowl and you will be purified. Then you may
enter Heaven." The nun dipped her fingers in & entered Heaven.
St. Peter moved to the next nun. "Have you ever touched a penis?" The nun blushed and confessed, "I
have, but only with my left hand." St. Peter held out the bowl to her. "Then dip your hand into this
bowl and you will be purified and can enter Heaven." The nun dipped her hand in & entered Heaven.
Suddenly, there was a commotion. A nun came rushing up from the back of the line and cut in front of
the others. "Sister, Sister," St. Peter laughed kindly, "there's no need to rush! Every one of you will get
in to Heaven!" "Oh, I know," the nun said, "I just wanted to gargle the water before Sister Mary
Catherine puts her ass in it!"

Two nuns from a poor convent were having a bath together, to save water. The first one asked
"Where's the soap?" to which the second replied "Yes, it does."

The same two nuns were riding a tandem bicycle down a cobbled alley. The first said "I've never come
this way before." "Me neither," replied the second, slightly short of breath, "it must be the
cobblestones."
 10

Finally, one of our good sisters was walking home from the local market late one night, when a tall,
strong man leapt out of some nearby bushes, dragged her to the ground and raped her. "Ha!" he said.
"What will you tell your Mother Superior now?" "I cannot lie to Mother Superior," the nun said. "I
will tell her that while I was walking home a vicious brute dragged me to the ground and raped me
twice. Unless you're too tired?"

A hippie is riding on a bus one afternoon. The bus stops, and on steps a young nun. Even through all
the robes, it is evident that the nun is a very attractive young lady. There being no other empty seats on
the bus, the nun sits down next to the hippie, who immediately tried to hit on her. "Honey, wouldn't
you like to make sweet love with me? I sure would like to show you what you're missing." The nun
was totally flustered and got off the bus at the very next stop. The bus driver looked back with a
leering grin. He said "I know how you could have your way with her. I happen to know that every
night at midnight she goes out to the cemetary by the church to pray. Now, with the way you look, if
you were to sprinkle some glow in the dark dust in your hair and beard, you could convince her that
you are Jesus and get her to do anything you wanted." That night at midnight, our hippie friend was
hiding in the bushes in the cemetary, glow in the dark dust sprinkled in his hair and beard. He saw a
robed, veiled figure approaching, and when she got close, he jumped out and said "My precious one, I
am well-pleased with you. I have come down so that I can demonstrate that love, and so that it can be
consumated in a physical way." The nun answered "Yes, Lord, of course. But could we please do it
anally so that my virginity will still be preserved?" The hippie thought about it for about a half a
second and said "Sure." After they were finished with a hot round of tight anal sex, the hippie jumped
back, shook the glow in the dark dust from his hair and beard and yelled "Ha Ha! I fooled you! I'm not
Jesus, I'm the hippie." The "nun" then pulled off "her" veil and yelled "Ha Ha! I fooled YOU!! I'm not
the nun, I'm the bus driver!"

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people
of this country actually eat dogs. "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we
might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog
vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too
pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns
hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She
begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers
cautiously, "What part did you get?"
****************************************************
Once apon a time, an intellegent, independent, self assured princess came upon a frog sitting in a pond.
The frog said to her "Before I was a frog, I was a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell on
me. One kiss from you, though, and I will turn back into a prince, we can marry, move back into the
castle with my mom, you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and be forever
happy doing so." Later that evening as the princess dined on delicious frogs' legs, she laughed to
herself and thought, "I don't fucking think so."
****************************************************
A baby boy was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal,except that he was laughing. I
mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little guy, in front of his
worried parents. But he kept on laughing. His tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One
at a time, a pediatrician unfolded his tiny fingers to check if his hand was all right, and... guess what he
found?
Scroll down
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 11

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The birth control pill : )
****************************************************
An American,a Canadian and a Sardarji were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor
of a building. They were eating lunch and the American said "Same bread toast with cabbage. If I get
this one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building"." The Canadian opened his lunch box
and exclaimed, "Corned beef again! If I get this one more time I'm going to jump off, too"." The
Sardar opened his lunch and said,"Chappatties again. If I get it one more time I'm jumping too." The
next day the American opened his lunch box, saw the bread toast and cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Canadian opens his lunch, sees corned beef and jumps too. The Sardar opens his lunch, sees the
chappatties and jumps to his death also. At the funeral The American's wife is weeping. She says, "If
I'd known how really tired he was of bread toast and cabbage I never would have given it to him
again!" The Canadian wife also weeps and says, "I also could have given him something else. I didn't
realise he got fed up of corned beef so much" Everyone turned and stared at the sardarini. "don't look
at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch."
****************************************************
One day while walking down town, a human resources manager was hit by a bus and was tragically
killed. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though... it seems we have a problem.
You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a HR manager make it this far and we're not really
sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have
higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you
can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in," the Saint replied. "Actually, I think I've
made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven." "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the
consultant in an elevator and it went down...down... down to hell. The doors opened and the HR
manager found herself stepping out into the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance
was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends, fellow HR professionals that she
had worked with. They were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and
kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and
at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute), and she had a great time telling jokes and
dancing. The HR manager was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.
Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up...
up... up and opened back up at the Pearly Gate and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to
spend a day in heaven," he said. So the HR Manager spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the
clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time. Before she knew it, her 24 hours were
up, and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The HR manager paused for a second and then replied,
"Well, I never thought I'd say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the consultant went down...
down... down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were
picking up garbage and putting it in sacks for the evening meal. The Devil came up to her and put his
arm around her and laughed at her. I don't understand," stammered the HR manager, "yesterday I was
here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great
time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at
her and grinned, "That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you’re staff."
****************************************************
Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life. Not quite certain what was
happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties
and showed Little Johnny what was happening. Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You
know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
****************************************************
Sam and Bessie are in their 80's and Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator shoes. Seeing
them on sale one day, he purchases them and comes home, asking his wife Bessie, "So, . . . do you
notice anything different about me?" "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the
same pants. What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out
completely naked, just wearing the new shoes."So, Bessie, do you notice anything different NOW?"
"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging
 12

down tomorrow." Angrily Sam yells, "Do you know WHY it's hanging down? Cause it's looking at my
new shoes!!!" Bessie replies, "You should've bought a hat.
****************************************************
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not
wanting his wife to know, gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the
baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a
postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back." "I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do,
the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife
called him at the office and explained "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today
from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said "Just wait until I get home and I
will explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor
with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."
****************************************************
Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened
that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe
and mistook him for John. She said, 'I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.' Joe,
thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled
like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big
hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what
finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned
them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at
once and she split right up the middle." The old lady fainted.
****************************************************
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up
and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my
birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a trouble maker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of
course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his
behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Leroy
stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Leroy

Leroy knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter
and started over.

Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my
birthday. Thank you.
Your friend,
Leroy

Leroy knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Leroy wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4
God,
 13

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a
bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it were true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Leroy was very
upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought
her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Leroy's mother told
him. Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church and
up to the alter. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of
the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house,
and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy
began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5
God,
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!
Leroy
****************************************************
He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there
He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling, felt her thigh
The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry
The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms
.....................................................................................................................................................................
.....................................................................................................................................................................
.....................................................................................................................................................................
.....................................................................................................................................................................
..................................................................................................................................
And then he stuffed the turkey
* What were you thinking... you pervert!*
****************************************************
Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this
in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: All right, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it down far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to sleep. The next time, it's your turn to get up and turn the thermostat down.
Wife: Yes, honey.
****************************************************
 14

Why will Monaica Lewinsky be a bad doctor?

Because she sucks as an intern.

What do you get when you cross a prostitute and a pit-bull?

The last blowjob you'd ever get.

What do you call a pimple on a blonde's butt?

Brain tumor.

What do you call a blond with one brain cell?

Miracle.

What do you call a blond with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

What is the difference between a porcupine and a BMW with 3 lawyers sitting inside?
The porcupine has its pricks on the outside.
****************************************************
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the
girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up.
When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy
staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but
her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm
naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get
help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives
she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks
down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
****************************************************
Halloween Costume Party
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her
husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she
was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by
not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an
hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her
husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her
husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her
husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a
little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself,
he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him
go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in
her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking
at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering
what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in
and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good
time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never
even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into
the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you.... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a
real good time!"
****************************************************
Why Coffee is Better Than Women
-------------------------------
1. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some.
2. You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM.
3. INSTANT COFFEE!
4. Coffee never runs out.
5. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
6. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
7. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
8. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
9. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.
10. Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.
11. White men can take black coffee home to their parents.
 15

12. No additional cost required if you want to maintain coffee in its original packaging.
13. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it
14. You can always heat up coffee.
15. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
16. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
17. Coffee smells and looks good in the morning.
18. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
19. Coffee goes down easier.
20. Coffee is cheaper.
****************************************************
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the
gifts they wereable to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The
second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat.
You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent
her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him.
He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it. "Soon
thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so
huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I
am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so
rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your
mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
****************************************************
Bumper Stickers
---------------
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his
car...."
(They were screaming "stop reading that insanely long bumper sticker and watch the road!!!")
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
****************************************************
There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always
insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she
would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doin it, she
turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She gets completely
upset. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years.
You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly,"I'll explain
the dildo if you can explain our three kids!!!"
****************************************************
Sardar from Bombay went to London. In the evening, he felt like talking to Sardarni. So dialled his
residence and the following conversation happened:
Sardar - O-Haello-o-o
Reply - Hello
Sardar smirks as it is an unfamiliar male voice.
Sardar - Oye, kaun hai.
Reply - Shaab, main Bahadur.
 16

Sardar - Oye, too kahan se aya.

Bahadur - Shaab, mujhe aaj hi MemShaab ne naukri pe rakha hai.
Sardar shifts uneasily at the revealation of Sardarni's daring at keeping a Hardworking Pahari bahadur,
the day Sardar has left home.
Sardar - Oye, khote, ja ke Memsahib nu bula ke mere naal gal kara
Bahadur - Shaab, MemShaab to shota hai.
Sardar - Oye, tu Memsahib nu jaga de.
Bahadur - Par Shaab, MemShaab to Shaab ke saath shota hai.
Sardar is Red and White, Sorry Wild with anger.
Sardar - Dekh oye Bahadur, Tu meri gal sun. Main tera asli Sahib hoon.
Bahadur - Shaab, to phir MemShaab ke paas kaun shota hai.
Sardar - Woh koi khoti da puttar nakli Sahib ban ke aya hoga.Tu aisa kar, drawing room ki diwar
par meri dunali bandook latki hai. Ja use leke aa ja.
After a pause....
Bahadur - Haan Shaab, Bandook le aya.
Sardar - Ye telephone ke niche wali daraz men goliyaan padi hain. Usme se do goliyaan Bandook
mein daal de. After a shuffling and cranking noise...
Bahadur - Haan Shaab, dal diya.
Sardar - Ab jake us nakli Sahib ko aur Memsahib ko shoot kar de. Rapport of two gunshots is heard
and...
Bahadur-Haan Shaab, maine dono ko shoot kar diya. Ab lashon ka kya karoon, Shaab.
Sardar - Bahar garden mein gaddha khod ke dono lashon ko dafan kar de.
Bahadur - Shaab, aap kya bolta hai. Ye fifteenth floor pe garden kahan se aayegaa.
Sardar - Oh..... sorry, wrong number.
****************************************************
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with with
over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik
came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men
must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your
profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says
the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man
and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your
penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living". And
the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman"
*****************************************************
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool
beside him. The bartender comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and
turns to the ostrich."What's your's?" "I'll have a beer too"
says the ostrich.The cat says "I'll have a half beer, but I'm not paying for it".The bartender pours the
beer and says "That will be $3.40 please", and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact
change for the round. The next day, the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I'll have a
beer", and the ostrich says "I'll have the same", and the cat says "I'll have a half glass of beer but I'm
not paying for it". Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.This
becomes a routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again."The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well,
it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "I'll have
a small scotch but I'm not paying for it" says the cat. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once
again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.The bartender can't hold
back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "Several years ago I was cleaning the
attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first
wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of
money will always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's
right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there." says the
man.The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich and the cat?" The man replies
"My second wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy".
****************************************************
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car pass the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the
car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace". Little Johnny finds this so exciting and
can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, "MOMMY,
MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...." Mommy tells him to slow
down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw
 17

Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big
kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is
such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on
Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the
seat, and "....then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when
Daddy was in the Navy."
****************************************************
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many
will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot."
The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking,"
Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having
ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling
down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is
married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the
top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the
wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.
****************************************************
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The
teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6.'" "But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is
3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" "That's what I said!"
****************************************************
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words,
class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me,
Miss Rogers, me, me!' Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?' Little
Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.' Little
Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
****************************************************
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.
Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in 'The Act.' Before dad can
even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy,
relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to
break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts
moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the
milkman usually get bucked off !"
****************************************************
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He
yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the
proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word
'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says,
"You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
****************************************************
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who
could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who
responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very
good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful
banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little
Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said,
'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"
****************************************************
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her
rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw
her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he
peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his
clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a
bike!"
****************************************************
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she
realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the
entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education
from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good,
 18

William," said the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the
teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and
hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two
guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education,
Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
****************************************************
One day, three consultants, one from Wipro, one from Infosys and one from TCS, went together for a
walk. They were old buddies from b-school, and they were joining together to remember the tough old
days they went as students together. For no apparent reasons, they went into this zoo an passed an
elephant.Having worked in the same field and from the same school, of course there is a little bit of
peer competition going on between themselves, so when he saw this elephant, an idea clicked the
Infosys guy, he said to the others " Why don't we prove who are the best among ourselves ?". The
other two, of course, agreed.
Then the Infosyan said "Let's make a test. Whoever can make this elephant to laugh, he works for the
best firm". After they all agreed, they started. Being a pure logical strategist, the Infosyan tried to
make the elephant laugh by telling jokes. Of course it stayed still...As a more practical consultant, the
Wipro guy tried to make funny gestures...and the elephant still stayed still.... Now, comes the TCS
guy.. being the practical guy he was always told to be, he whispered something to the elephant, and it
laughed at him while pointing its fingers to him. The other two were astonished. How come this TCS
guy be able to beat them?
So the Wipro guy said "OK, let's make another test. Let's make this elephant cry !!". So there they
went again, practicing the same method as before. The Infosys guy told sad sad stories, the Wipro guy
made sad gestures, and they fail again...... Then, the TCS guy whispered something again to the
elephant's ear and it just cried, weeping.....and patting the TCS guy's shoulder. This cannot be, thought
the other two. So the Infosyan said "OK, you've won twice. If you can win this test, we will bow to
you. Let's make this elephant run".
He went and bark to the elephant orders to run. Of course, it stayed still .... The Wipro guy pushes the
elephant and stab it with stake to make it run, it stayed still. So...our TCS guy come to it and whispered
something again to it's ear and the elephant run and run as fast as it could, as if it was scared to death.
The other two surrendered. They say "OK, you're the best pal. You work for a very good firm, tell us
your secret". "Well" said the TCS guy, "the first time I made it laugh, I said I work for TCS". " When
I made it cry as if it were very sad and patted me, I told the elephant how much I get paid". " And
when I made it run scared to death, I said to it, Why don't you join TCS?"
****************************************************
A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for
the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head
with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put
on death row. Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which
he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to
tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed. Somehow he gets his old job back,
and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus.
Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender`s neck and killing her. Again,
he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the
electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket
of water, he tries everything - but the conductor won`t die. So again, he is set free. Amazingly he
regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew
his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution. At this point,
the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free
again, he asks him his secret - "what is it with the bananas?" "Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with
it", replies our friend. "I`m just a bad conductor."
****************************************************
Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign
language.
Mute #1 (SIGN) "What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN) "I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN) "Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN) "Good idea."
So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back
seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder...
Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "Have you got any protection?"
 19

Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. Don't you?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."
They procede to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In two
minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I can't make the druggist understand what I want."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "I know What to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN) "Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter.
He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN) "Good idea."
The man goes back into the drug store and two minutes later he's back at the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN) "Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What do you mean?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put
my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."
****************************************************
As you are receiving this note by e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology
can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in
Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he
reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on
which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife,
whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for
your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
****************************************************
A hippy walks into a Bar and Grill. The waiter comes up to him and asks him if he wants anything. So
the Hippy says 'Yeah a cheeseburger. Not too well done, not to rare, but right in the groove.' So the
waiter brings his burger and asks if he wants anything to drink. He says 'A cup of tea. Not too hot, not
too cold, but right in the Groove.' The waiter's kinda getting pissed now, but he brings the tea and
kinda slams it on the table. Little while later the waiter comes back and asks the Hippy if he wants any
dessert. He says 'Yeah some ice cream. Not too chocolate, not too vanilla, but right in the Groove.' So
the waiter says 'Why dont you kiss my ass. Not the right cheek, not the left cheek, but right in the
Groove!'
****************************************************
There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically abusive,who ran
away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking for a man
who:
1)would treat her nicely
2)wouldn't run away from her,
3)would be good in bed.
Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured that there wasn't a man
alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one day she heard the
doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't
have any arms or legs. The man said 'I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have
no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you.' The woman replied, 'Yes,
but are you good in bed?'And the man said with a smirk on his face, 'How do you think I rang the
doorbell?'
****************************************************
A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25
pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then
 20

told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy - it was 30 pounds. The city slicker told the farmer he
didn't believe that was the way to weigh pigs. The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh
the pig. The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig
weighed 30 pounds. The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The farmer told
his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig. The son went into the house and
after a few minutes came out telling the father that the mother was busy weighing the mailman.
****************************************************
What is the height of selfishness?

Wearing your Rough Rider inside out

****************************************************
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey walks up to the pool table and eats one of the
balls. The bartender says, 'Why did he do that?' The guy says, 'Oh he'll eat anything.' A couple of days
later, the guy brings the monkey into the same bar, and the monkey picks up a peanut and shoves it up
is ass, then takes it out and eats it. The bartender says, 'Why did he do that?' The guy says, 'Oh he'll
still eat anything, but since he ate that pool ball he checks it for fit first.'
****************************************************
1. House Sex - When you are newly married, have sex all over the house. In every room.

2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while, you just have sex in the bedroom.

3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, you just pass each other in the hall and
say, 'fuck you.'
****************************************************
One day this little girls dad came home and she runs up to him and says 'daddy the cat died today.' He
says, 'Well thats just someting that happens.' Then she says 'but why are his arms and legs up in the
air.' 'Well thats just something they do' he says. She takes the death real well untill a few days later
when the dad comes home and she runs up to him and says, 'daddy, daddy mommy almost died today'
he calms her down and says, 'what are you talking about?' 'She says I came down stair and I heard
screaming oh Jesus take me , Oh Jesus take me and she had her ams and legs up in the air and if it
hadn't been for the mailman tring to recover her she would have died.'
****************************************************
Once there was a sperm named Stanley. When All the other sperm were just swimming around,
Stanley was doing sprints and lifting weights. All the other sperm asked him one day, 'Why don't you
just swim around like us?'Stanley replied, with a smirk,'Well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the
first one there.'The others told him it was just Destiny, but he said it wasn't. So the day finally came
when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Stanley pulled out ahead of the rest.
Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back. The others asked him why he turned aruond
and he said,'Back up boys, it's a BLOWJOB!!!!!!!!!!
****************************************************
A guy walked into a bar. 'C-c-can I h-have a b-beer' he said. The bartender says 'I used to stutter.'
'Yeah, so what did you do?' 'I got my wife to give me a blow-job and I was instantly cured' says the
bartender. So the guy gets up pays the tab and leaves. The next day the guy goes back into the bar and
orders another beer. 'Can I get a beer?' 'You took my advice?' asked the bartender. 'Yeah, and tell your
wife you have nice furniture.'
****************************************************
Quotes About the Sexes

Men get laid, but women get screwed.

-- Quentin Crisp (English writer)

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to Get Lucky.

A woman already knows.
-- Frederick Ryder

Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a Place.

-- Billy Crystal.

I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a
microwave?
-- Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)
 21

Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women?
So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.
-- Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress)

Eventually, all men come out of the bathroom dressed as a majorette.

-- Ernestyne White

A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.
-- Sanskrit proverb

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know.
Women do. Women want to learn.
Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation.
-- Jane Wagner

March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb.
-- Anonymous

You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like
chocolate.
-- Carrie Snow

Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.
-- Remy de Gourmant (French writer)

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.
-- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence.

When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
-- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own
way, and the other is to let her have it.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
-- Carrie Snow

God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
-- Anonymous
****************************************************
A man is walking along a California beach and stumbles across an old lamp. He picks it up and rubs
it, and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this
century and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about having three. You only get
ONE wish!"
The man excitedly says, "Hey, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid to fly and I get very
seasick. How about you building me my own bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit
whenever I want?"
The genie laughs and says, "Come on now, you didn't give this any real thought, did you?! How could
I possibly do that? Think of how big it'd be and of the logistics and problems of building it! Like, how
would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Or, how high it would have to be to let all the
ships out there pass under it. And do you know how much concrete it'd take... and how much steel!?
No, this time CAREFULLY think of your one wish!"
The man says "OK!", and this time sits down a long time to come up with a really good wish. Finally,
he says, "I've got it! I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I didn't care
and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and
 22

what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying... know what
they really want when they say nothing... know how to make them truly happy... "
The genie says, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
****************************************************
A true incident! This actually happened at Harvard University in October of last year.
In a biology class, the prof. was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female
(freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is as much glucose in male
semen as there is in sugar? That's correct," responded the prof., going on to add statistical info. Raising
her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole
class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had
inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of
class... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic...
Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for
sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat."
****************************************************
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of
creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while
urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very
ability."
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of
thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When
I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I
could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand
and pee, oh please..." On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, he should have it. It seemed to
be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one
given this ability.
And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy and did
celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers, "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple
orgasms....."
****************************************************
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde
already inside and she greeted him by saying "T-G-I-F"
He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T"
She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S-H-I-T".
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T".
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, T-hank G-oodness I-ts F-
riday; get it?"
The man answered, "S-orry H-oney, I-t's T-hursday".
****************************************************
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME:
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment,
support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle,
excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive,
sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show
equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore,
defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help,
acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote,
beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain,
calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole,
angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib,
salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence,
diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die,
swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep
on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead,
 23

fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize,
worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME:

Show up naked.
Bring beer with you.
****************************************************
Diana murder mystery solved
The latest theory is that the driver of the Mercedes, Henri Paul, was actually a sardar whose family
migrated to France when he was 3 yrs old. His name was Harvinder Singh Pal, and later he changed it
to Henri Paul.But what is in a name, after all ! Once a surd, always a surd ! And so when the Paparazzi
chasing the car shouted Diana, Diana , at 80 mph , Harvinder tried to take a right turn. ( daina = right
in hindi )............. The rest, as they say, is history !!
****************************************************
Ad found in Canberra Times - personal column

WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
****************************************************
There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his
in-laws place. He was absolutely positive that his wife was going to present him with a boy and
wouldn't hear of anything else. As his leave balance had gone into the red, he told his father-in-law,
"When my son comes, do not call up office and say that I have become a father of a boy. Then I'll
have to shell out a lot for parties, etc. Just tell me that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for
the arrival of my son."
The offspring does arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks, "If I tell him that
the clock has not arrived, he'll misunderstand that some thing has happened to the baby and come
rushing over."
So he sends the message, "The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing."
****************************************************
Bull A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the
bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her
husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!" They proceed to the next bull and his
sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one
mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!" They
proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth
drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could
really learn from this one." The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365
times with the same cow."
****************************************************
An announcement in Punjab Airways :
"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your very handsome captain Ulta Singh welcoming
you to Punjab Airways. Sorry we are 4 days late in taking off but I had to do some overtime at the
bakery. This is the one two six flight to New Delhi. We cannot guarantee that we will end up in Delhi
but rest assured it will be somewhere in the East. And if you are very lucky we may even be landing on
your village! A real Punjabi will land where he wants to, isn't that right, brothers!
Today we have 12 passengers on the plane - which is a bit of a problem because we only have 5 seats!
Hmmm. For safety reasons we will be counting all the passengers again during and after the flight. We
have a very good record for safety. In fact we are so safe even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us! I
am pleased to tell you that over 50% of our passengers end up at their destination. For those of you
who don't make it, don't worry, our staff have lots of experience consoling the next-of-kin. If, however,
you are still worried then ask Stewardess Bubbly to tell you about our out of court settlements. We will
do everything to make your journey an enjoyable one and even a surviving one! If our engines are too
noisy for you, don't worry, we'll turn them off! We even make your fall to earth pleasant by serving
complimentary tea during free-fall! And for our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can
help you find if there is a God. Sadly, today's in-flight movie will not be shown because my son forgot
 24

to record it from the television. But if you really want to see a film then we will be glad to fly next to
Air India so that you can look at their movie through the window. Although there is no-smoking in this
aeroplane, you may find that during the flight you can see smoke in the cabin. Don't worry your good
minds over this! It is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! Yes, we
are very advanced at Punjab Airways. Not only do we provide you with a life jacket but we also give a
free bathing costume to the aunties and a swimming short to the uncles! Some airlines are happy to fly
thousands of feet over landmarks but not Punjab Airways! For your pleasure we try to get as close as
possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close then please let us know. Our co-pilot
sometimes becomes too enthusiastic. Remember that guy who crashed into the White House, well it is
the same bloke! Now kindly sit on your seat and tie your belt. For those of you who can't find a belt
please tie your own leather belt to the door handle. And for those of you who can't find a seat, sit on
your suitcase instead. Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's
wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cock-pit. Thank you for choosing
Punjab Airways. We guarantee that we may not always take you on a flight but we'll definitely take
you for a ride!" HAVE A NICE JOURNEY !!!
****************************************************
A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old
filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice
on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears
and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" He gets his Pepsi and drinks
it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where
beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him
lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF!
He's back in his government office.
****************************************************xxxxxxxxxxxxx
A priest decides to take a Sunday off. He calls his fellow priest and asks him to hold mass for him as
he isn't feeling very well. Then he calls an isolated golf course out in the country and asks, "If you are
not too busy, can I go out alone and play 18?" The starter says, "Of course, if you get here before 9
there won't be anybody on the course."
The priest arrives about 8:30 and as promised there wasn't a soul around. As he tees up his ball on the
580 yard first hole, St. Peter
looks over to God and says, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
God answers, "OF COURSE NOT!"
The priest winds up and hits his tee shot. Never had he hit such a drive! The ball was still going up as
it passed the 200 yard marker! 320 yards out, right in the middle of the fairway, was a small boulder.
The priests ball came flying in, careened off the top of the rock, and flew straight at the green.....five
feet off the ground and moving like a bullet. The ball bounced 20 feet in front of the green, and rolled
up the green and dropped into the cup!
St. Peter looked over at God and dryly said, "I thought you were going to punish him?"
GOD LOOKED AT ST. PETER AND SAID, "I JUST DID........WHO IS HE GOING TO TELL?"
****************************************************
QUEENS
A York, a McMaster and a Queens student were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and
God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses The York student first.
"What do you believe in?"
The York Student replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to
make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to
do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses the McMaster student. "What do you believe in?"
The McMaster student replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to
save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a
greenhouse and we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then address the Queens student. "What do you believe in?" "I believe you're in my chair."
****************************************************
Heavenly Vehicle
Three men died and went to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told them that the determining
factor of what vehicle they will drive in heaven will be based on how faithful they were to their wives
while alive on earth.
St. Peter asked the first man, "How faithful were you?" The man answered, "I was married 15 years
and cheated on my wife a number of times." St. Peter said, "Okay, you will drive a Volkswagen."
 25

He then asked the second man, "How about you?" The man answered, "I was married 20 years and
only cheated on my wife once." St. Peter said, "Okay, you will drive a Taurus."
He then asked the third man, "How faithful were you to your wife?" The man replied, "I was married
over 50 years and never cheated on my wife even once." St. Peter said, "Okay, you will get a Rolls-
Royce."
After a few days in heaven, the three men meet at an intersection and the man in the Rolls-Royce was
just sitting there crying. One of the other men said to him, "Why are you crying? Here you are in
heaven, driving around in a Rolls-Royce. What could you possibly have to cry about?" The man in the
Rolls-Royce said, "I just passed my wife going the other way and she was on a skateboard."
****************************************************
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love
for hours, and afterwards,
while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the
receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's
wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up
the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his
fishing trip with you."
****************************************************
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling
scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates
through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there? he yells. "You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting
here on the toilet," slurs the drunk," and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the
hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're
sitting on the mop bucket!"
****************************************************
Four guys are driving cross-country together-- one from Idaho, one from Iowa, one from Florida, and
the last one is from New York.
A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the
window. The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they're laying
around on the ground-I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the man from Iowa begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and
throwing them out the window. The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?"
The man from Iowa replies, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Iowa I'm sick of
looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
****************************************************
Every night when little Bobby went to bed he would hear a THUMP, THUMP on his wall which was
his parents room (Of course we all know that they were doin' the sex thing). One night he went to his
parent's room and saw his mommy bouncing up and down on top of Daddy.
The next morning he asked his Mommy what they were doing when he saw them last night. She said
"Well you see your Daddy is getting kinda chunky so I have to jump on him to make him thin again."
Bobby said with a puzzled look on his face "Well that's kinda a waste of time Mommy because the
lady next door comes over when your gone and blows him back up again."
****************************************************
During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement,
adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and
stop me!" With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind. "Didn't you
hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me." "Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father.
"If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."
****************************************************
A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted
the following report to his editor. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is
recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."
The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts
around here. Now go back and write something more appropriate!" The young reporter thought long
and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one- car
accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( o )( o ) "
****************************************************
 26

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper.He
looked up and said, "Here is a great sale on tires!" His wife replied, "What do you want tires for? You
don't have a car." He came back with, "I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra!"
****************************************************
At the motel checkout desk, Harry handed the clerk $ 50."I am sorry, sir" the man said, "but this won't
cover your bill". "The hell it won't" Harry barked. "The sign outside says rooms are 40 bucks". "But
that doesn't include the food" the clerk explained. "Your total is $75". "But I didn't eat any food." "It
was there for you, if you didn't eat any that is your fault." Harry glared at the motel employee for a
moment, "OK" he finally said "then you owe me $100" "what for" the confused clerk asked. "For
screwing my wife" "But I never touched her" "That's your fault", Harry shrugged. "She was there for
you."
****************************************************
THINGS YOU NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN AFTERWARDS...

1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"

4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"

5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"

6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"

7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better blow jobs!"

9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is ?"

11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."

12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"

14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !"

16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately-------"

17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave ?"

18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"
****************************************************
A Review of the Top 9 Sexual Jokes on the "Net" this year (according to a poll recently taken by
someone with obviously too much time on his/her hands).

Number nine
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he
accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are
both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I
know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Number eight
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want
6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots! Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah,
 27

my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6
shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."

Number seven
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They
exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about
it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American
Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way,
my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

Number six
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts
rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes
later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a
dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Number five
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came
home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis
into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill
indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One
day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously
wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous
urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what
happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired
too."

Number four
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit,
he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The
man runs out and tells the doctor, who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her
right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a
moan from her. The dr. suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it
is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about
five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what
happened, to which the man replies: "She choked."

Number three
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to
the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will
remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his
privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his
mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his
free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100
who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly
spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

Number two
A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The
big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left
ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small
guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?" The
small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says "7 foot
tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The
small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"

Number one
 28

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the
old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she
replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the
old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny
snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat
down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot
for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your
coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!
****************************************************
A woman had 8 chances to get pregnant... she blew all of them.

Q. What is 6 inchel long, has a head on it and drives women crazy?

A. A $100 bill.

Q. What goes in long and hard and comes out wet and soft?
A. Chewing gum.

Q. If the movie for Lesbians was FIRE, what would be the sequel made for Homosexual be called?
A. BACKFIRE.
****************************************************
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night,
they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to
be gentle. I am still a virgin."This puzzled the groom since, after 12 marriages, he thought that atleast
one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the
phenomenon. She responded: "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire
marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be." "My second husband was from
Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would
send me the documentation." "My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that
everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up." "My fourth husband was from
Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach."
"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't
quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver." "My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me
that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method." "My seventh husband was from Finance and administration. He knew how,
but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not." " My eighth husband was from Standards and
Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to
do it." "My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't
sure how to position it." "My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about
it." "My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it." "My
twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted todo was... God I miss him!" "So now
I've married you, and I'm really excited." "Why is that," asked the lawyer. "Well, it should be obvious!
You're a lawyer!! I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!"
****************************************************
Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop.
"Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key", Edward replies.
At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards penis is hanging out of his trousers.
The cop asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself? "
Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!!!"
****************************************************
A guy walked into a bar and ordered a shot of whiskey,as soon as he got it he swallowed it and ordered
another. After awhile the bartender said; Man whats wrong? I have never seen anyone drink like that.
The guy replied; Well I got off work early and caught my wife having sex with my best friend. I'm
sorry replied the bartender,what did you say to your wife? he asked. I told her to get her shit and get
out of my house and never come back. Wow; Replied the bartender what did you say to your best
friend? I pointd my finger at him and said BAD DOG.
****************************************************
"I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game of it"
(Woody Allen)
"Never accept a drink from a urologist" (Mr. Bombeck- father of Erma)
 29

"A narcissist is someone better looking than you are" (Gore Vidal)
"Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography" (R.
Byrne)
"Last night I tried to make love to my wife but nothing was happening...so, I said to her, "What's the
matter, you can't think of anybody either?" (R. Dangerfield)
"Don't let it end like this...tell them I said something". (Last words of Pancho Villa)
"No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain you
might look good but all you could do is run for public office". (C. Bailey)
****************************************************
A beautiful woman walks into a doctors office and the doctor is awe struck. All his professionalism
goes out the window. He tells herto take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says "Do
you know what I am doing?" She replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities." He tells her to take off her
shirt and bra and he starts rubbing her breasts. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?" She
replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer." Finally, he tells he takes off her panties, lays her on the
table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies"Yes, getting herpes. That's why I am here."
****************************************************
A man went to confession and said, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
The priest asked if he would like to confess his sins, and the man replied that he had used the "F-word"
over the weekend.
The priest said, "Oh, okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replied that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word." The priest sighed and
told him to continue.
"Well, father, I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church."
The priest said, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into
the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked
up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the reen. However,
before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in it's sharp talons and
flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf
ball and it landed within 5 inches ofthe hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"
****************************************************
Two nude statues (one male & one female) had been standing in the middle of a beautiful park for 99
years. On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues.
He said to them "God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the
two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to grant you a wish of becoming human for a short
time."
The angel then went on to say that they would be human for fifteen minutes and will finally be able to
pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years. The
statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off
together behind the bushes.
The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter. After 10 minutes the statues
returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing. The angel told the statues that they still had 5
more minutes.
The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said: "Cool, this time, you hold down the
pigeon and I'll shit on his head."
****************************************************
Sunil Gavaskar hears about a movie called 'Gavaskar' newly released in Australia. He feels quite
flattered, he knew the Aussies always liked him, despite his run in with 'Dennis Lillee' and all
Gavaskar then gets himself invited for the premier, after sitting through the whole show he realizes that
there wasn't a single mention of him or his great achievements in the movie.
He approached the producer visibly upset. "How come you make a movie called 'Gavaskar' and have
no mention of me in it at all"?
The producer replies: "Dont make such a fuss ... you Indians made a movie called Border where there
was no mention of Alan Border either"
 30

****************************************************
Bunta Singh comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard Iqbal stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Bunta . Iqbal says, "We'll
just see about that. Get off the bike." Iqbal takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out
and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Bunta overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to
discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases Bunta, puts the sand into new
bags, hefts them onto the Bunta's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing
happens. The Iqbal asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Bunta. Iqbal does his thorough
examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Bunta,
and Bunta crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three
years. Finally, Bunta doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a 'dhaba' in Islamabad.
"Hey, Buddy," says Iqbal, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think
about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Bunta sips his beer and
says, "Bikes."
****************************************************
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do youthink we're so obsessed with
getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this:when your ear
itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or
your finger?"
****************************************************
A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were
undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here,
put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants,"
she said. "That's right," said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants
in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said "Try these on." He tried them on and
found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Heck, "he said. "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"
****************************************************

Bathroom graffiti - 01
--------------------------
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Bathroom graffiti - 02
---------------------------
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls.

Bathroom graffiti - 02
--------------------------
(Seen above a urinal)
Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don't piss in your ashtrays!

Bathroom graffiti - 04
---------------------------
(In the men's room at a Burger King restaurant)
It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good food into shit. It only takes Burger King 10
minutes.
****************************************************
A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods when they come across a golden frog. They think
this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when it talks to them. The golden frog
admits that he is amagicalfrog, and doesn't often meet other residents of the forest, but when hedoes,
he grants them three wishes each. The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be
females. The frog immediately grants this wish. The rabbit, after thinking for a while, asks for a crash
helmet . . .and one appears, which he places on his head. The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with
 31

his next wish. He asks that all the bears in the neighboring forests be female as well. This wish is also
fulfilled. The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle. It appears before him, and he climbs
on board and starts revving the engine. The bear cannot believe it. He remarks to the rabbit that he has
wasted two wishes. Then, shaking his head, he makes his final wish, "I wish that all the other bears in
the world be female as well." The frog replies that it has been done and they both turn to the rabbit
forhis last wish. The rabbit thinks for a second, then revs up the engine and says, "I wish for this bear
to be gay!" and promptly rides off as fast as he can!
****************************************************
The tale of the jar....
A 75 year old man went to the doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar &
said "Take this jar home & bring me a sample tomorrow." The next day the 75 year old man reappears
at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean & empty as on the previous day. The
doctor asks what happened & the man explains, "Well doc, it's like this:
First I tried with my left hand. Nothing. Then I tried with my right hand; still nothing. I asked my
wife for help. She tried with her left hand & then her right hand; also nothing. She even tried with her
mouth - first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out. Hell, we even called the lady next door & she
tried with both hands & her mouth too, but nothing. The doctor was shocked. "You asked your
neighbor??!?!?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't
get the damn jar open."
****************************************************
Cider
A little girl came running into the house crying her eyes out and cradling her hand.
Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider! she wailed.
Why do you want a glass of cider? asked mum.
I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away.
Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider.
The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.
Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work! wined the little one.
What are you talking about? asked her increasingly perplexed parent.
Well I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in
cider!
****************************************************
When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But
it's a decent town and nobody really bothers him.
One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?" And to
make it interesting she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said "whoever gives the best answer will
get this twenty dollars".
All of the kids called out their guesses. One said "George Washington - because he was the father of
our country."
"That's excellent" said the teacher. Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."
"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being polite.
One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France."
Another excellent choice said the teacher.
Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand.
So the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and
why?"
And Abraham said "Jesus Christ."
The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said "I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that
Abraham should get the twenty dollars." And she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money.
At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked Abraham why he said Jesus.
Abraham said "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but... business
is business!"
****************************************************
Laloo.........
Laloo to a long-distance telephone operator: "Could you please tell me the time difference between
Patna and Las Vegas?"
Operator:" Just a minute sir..... "
Laloo: "Thank you", and puts down the phone.

At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender, "Johnnie walker, single" and the
man's companion says, "Jack Daniels, single". The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, " And you ,
sir?" Laloo Replies, " Laloo Yadav, married"
 32

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for a quite some time, Laloo proudly shows off
the finished puzzle to a friend. "It took me only 5 months to do it,"Laloo brags. "Five months !!! Thats
too long," the friend exclaims. "It isn't... see even this puzzle box says 4-7 years"

Laloo is proud of seeing a photograph in a leading newspaper. Laloo is shown standing along with a
couple of his bullocks. The caption under the photo reads, "Laloo, third from the left".
****************************************************
Jews!!!"
A guy walks into a bar in Argentina. He sees a familiar character, albeit much older now, sitting at the
bar. He approaches, examines his face, and asks: "Excuse me, but aren't you Adolf Hitler?"
"Vy yes, I am Adolf Hitler."
"But I thought you were dead!" "Ach. I get a lot of dat. But in fact, I am chust biding my time,
planning a scheme to kill fifty million Jews and eight of der Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders."
"What?" the guy exclaims. "Why would you want to kill eight of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders?"
Hitler turns to another fellow sitting at the bar next to him. "You see vat I mean? Nobody gives a
damn about da Jews!!!"
****************************************************
Heaven is a........
One midnight, one middle age man was waiting at a train station to cross the country to back east to
see his relative.As he stepped up into the train car. he noticed that the car was almost empty except a
young beautiful nun sat by herself reading a bible. The man came and sat near by her hoping to get
some companionship during the long ride. However, the nun was paying no attention to him. She just
kept on reading bible without even looking up to him nor saying a word. Half an hour went by slowly
and silently making the man more and more anxious to start conversation. But he did not know how to
start. The man then put his hand on the nun's lap. The nun blushed with a little bit of anger. She turned
around and said:
Nun : Dear sir, do you believe in god?
Man : Yes, I do.
Nun : Have you read the bible? You know it is wrong to put your hand on my lap. Perhaps you should
go home and read line 23 on page 157.
The man withdrew his hand and sat quietly till the train reached the east coast. Next day, people found
out that he shot himself in his room while the bible lied open on page 157.
The line 23 read: "Heaven is a little bit higher."
****************************************************
season pass
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The
female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female
students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a
third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
****************************************************
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's
wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans
and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass
in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.) He
jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with
his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the
excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The
husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr.
Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests
that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear
the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says.... this
drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband nabs his wife by the
hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now,
tell HIM you have a headache."
****************************************************
And Finally Some thoughts to ponder...

> I asked for strength and

> God gave me difficulties to make me strong
 33

>
> I asked for wisdom and
> God gave me problems to solve
>
> I asked for prosperity and
> God gave me brawn and brain to work
>
> I asked for courage and
> God gave dangers to overcome
>
> I asked for love and
> God gave me troubled people to help
>
> I asked for favours and
> God gave me opportunities
>
> I received nothing I wanted
>
> BUT I RECEIVED EVERYTHING I NEEDED
>
> TO ACHIEVE WHAT I WANTED
****************************************************
NUNS
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to
Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps
onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the
nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he
clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our
car!"
****************************************************
Saddam Hussain approached God and asked him "When will peace return to my country ? ".
God answered " You can never see peace in your country during your life time". Saddam wept bitterly
and walked away.
Nawaz Sherrif approached God " When can I see a united Pakistan with Kashmir) ?".
God said, " You can never annex Kashmir during your life time."
Sherrif wept bitterly and walked away.
Next our Laloo Prasad Yadav approached God "When will Bihar become a civilized state ?".
God wept bitterly and said " I can never see that happening even during MY life time".
****************************************************
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes inand asks him, "Hey, why
are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took
her left leg and kicked ver the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got thebucket about full, she took
her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
 34

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the
stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that
moment, my pants fell downand my wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain
****************************************************
Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she
is! I think I should be in the third grade!" The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to
the principal's office and explained Johnnie's request. While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the
teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's teacher that he would give
the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first
grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Johnnie was brought into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnnie: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnnie: "36"
Principal: "What is 9 x 9?"
Johnnie: "81"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnnie appeared
to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnnie can go on to the
third grade."
The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let
me ask him some questions before we make that decision?"
The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look on his face.
The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of, that I have only 2 of?"
Johnnie: "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have, but I do not have?"
The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie's expected answer, Johnnie said,
"Pockets."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth
grade. I missed the last two questions myself!"
****************************************************
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he
produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now,
class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in
the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the
whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson
can we derive from this experiment?" the professor the professor asked.Johnny, who naturally sits in
back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
****************************************************
The teacher in an all-boys schools had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of
this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical
certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).
A smart-ass student pipes up, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?".
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess
you'll have to learn to write with your other hand".
****************************************************
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here,
anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd
responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
****************************************************
A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his
throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
 35

"Well, it was like this", said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced
her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of
the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough,
there was my wife's golf ball ... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, this one here looks like yours!"
****************************************************
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. A Detective
Inspector is sent and is taken is taken straight to the first body. "This guy was an Englishman, 60, died
of heart failure while with his beautiful girlfriend. Hence the enormous smile Inspector",says the
mortuary chief.
The DI nods understandingly and is taken to the second dead man. "This was an American, 25, won
124 million dollars in the Power Ball, spent it all on booze. Died of Died of alcohol poisoning, hence
the contended smile." Nothing unusual here", thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.
"Ah," says the chief, "this is the most unusual one, a Sardar,30, struck by lightning." "Why is he
smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken," replies the chief.
****************************************************
INC announced today that they are changing their emblem from a Hand to a condom because it more
clearly reflects their party's political stance.
A condom :
stands up to inflation,
halts production,
discourages cooperation,
protects a bunch of dicks,
and gives one a sense of security while screwing others."
****************************************************
Already the Mother of two rambunctious boys, the husband was thrilled when the doctor announced
they were going to have twins this time. He told his wife that she should start thinking of names.
"Well, let's see." she said. "We already have Adolph and Rudolph. How about Getoff and Stayoff ?"
****************************************************
A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see
that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee
for the obituary is 50 cents a word.
She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all
obituaries."
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy
Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for
sale.'
****************************************************
WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY
Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went
into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a
present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives
for you. The children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my
secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday."And I felt a little better; someone had
remembered. I worked until noon.
About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's
your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard
all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private
place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said,
"You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I
guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if
you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I
excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out... carrying a big birthday cake,
followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends.
 36

All were singing Happy Birthday.

... and there on the couch I sat...
... with nothing on but my socks......
****************************************************
You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....
1 You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
2 You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
3 You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
4 You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
5 You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a
commercial.
6 You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
7 Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
8 You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
9 You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
10 If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle..."
****************************************************
Cannibalism :
There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal
king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial.
First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 fruits of the same kind. So all
three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king "I brought 10 apples." The king then explains the trial to
him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.
The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to
heaven.
The second one arrives and shows the king his 10 fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial
to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8.. on the ninth berry he burst
out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. the first one asked "why did you laugh, you almost got
away with it."
The second one replied "I couldn't help it, I saw that the third guy brought watermelons."
****************************************************
A blond left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it
was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem. The
mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed. She took the car home
parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Another blond came by and inquired what she was doing,
she told her she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents. The other blonde responded, "That's
not going to work unless you roll up the windows!"
****************************************************
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there another
customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper "I'll have that monkey please".
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a
collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5000". The customer paid and
walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most
of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did he cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in 'C' very fast, tight code, no bugs, well
worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What
does he do?"
"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; he can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some
Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of his own. The price tag
around his neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others
put together! What on earth does he do?"
The shopkeeper shrugged and said, "Well, to tell you the truth, I haven't actually seen him do anything,
but he says he's a SAP consultant."
****************************************************
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male
hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
 37

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me
too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just
where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."
****************************************************
TOP SALESMAN .....
A sales company has particular trouble selling bibles. One day, a man comes in with a job application
and says "l-l-l-l'd l-l-l-l-l-> like
t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b- b-be a b-b-b-bible salesman, s-s-s-sir." lnititally, he doesn't want to give the job to
this man, but decided to try him out. After three weeks, the manager is looking at the charts and
realizes that the newest guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office. "You've
only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do
you do it?" "W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d-d l-l-l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-
w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the b-b-b-bible, or
w-w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?"
****************************************************
Showman all the Way
A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a lady opens
the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps horse dung all over
the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horse dung, I'll eat
every chunk of it." She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet. Do
you want tomato sauce on that or would you prefer mustard?"
****************************************************
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same
speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was
pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away
when the man asked, "Officer,I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of
other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?"
the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned
and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

This is a pretty elegant joke that highlights the political skills of

Henry Kissinger (US Secretary of State in the 70s).
Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."The poor man
replies, "I never interfere in my son's life. "Kissinger responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothscild's
daughter." "Well, in that case..."
Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter.""But my daughter is
too young to marry." "But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank." "Ah, in that
case..."
Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a young man to recommend you
as a vice president." "But I already have more vice presidents than I need." "But this young man is
Lord Rothschild's son-in-law." "Ah, in that case.....".

****************************************************
Did you know this about F.U.C.K. ?
In ancient England people could not have sex unless they had consent of the king (unless they were in
the Royal Family ). When people wantedto have a baby, they had to get the consent of the king, and
the kinggave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were havingsex. Theplacard had
F.U.C.K. ( Fornication Under Consent of the King ) on it. Hence that's where the word F**k came
from.
****************************************************
Once there was a prostitute who had three different rates based on the following three conditions:
1. $10.00 to have sex on the grass.
2. $20.00 to have sex on the couch.
3. $30.00 to have sex on the bed.
One day, a Mexican approaches the prostitute and slaps a $10 bill on the table. They proceed to have
sex on the grass.
Later that day, an American approaches the prostitute and slaps a $20 bill on the table. They proceed to
have sex on the couch.
Still later that day, an INDIAN approaches the prostitute and slaps $30 on the table. Excited to see
such a big spender, the prostitute said, "Finally, a guy with class..."
 38

The Indian responds, "Class my ass... three times on the grass. "
****************************************************
The Teacher :
One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word
'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding
none, she rubbed the word off and began class.
The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway
across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's
lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting
word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off
vigorously.
At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board
but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
****************************************************
Why all Indians have been so successful in US.It is because of the business sense demonstrated below:
A Patel walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loanofficer. He says he is going to Europe
on business for two weeksand needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will needsome
kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keysto a new Rolls Royce parked on the
street in front of the bank.Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car ascollateral for
the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank'sunderground garage and parks it there.Two
weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,which comes to $15.41. The loan
officer says, "We are very happy tohave had your business, and this transaction has worked ut
verynicely,but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked youout and found that you
are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is whywould you bother to borrow $5,000?"Patel replied,
"Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeksfor 15 bucks?"
****************************************************
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of
them was detained by a phone call.
The other three were discussing their children while walking to the firsttee.
"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He
began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in
the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now
owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two
brand new cars as agift."
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has
become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how
successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's
been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."
As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he
does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big
stock portfolio."
****************************************************
On this train going from Delhi to Calcutta a Sardarji and his wife were in one compartment. Every
time the train stopped at a station he would jump on his wife and start screwing her real hard. When it
started moving he would get off and sit properly. After three such episodes his wife became curious.
Why, Sardarji, she said do you bang me when the train is stopped at a platform where everybody can
watch us and stop when the train is moving? Pagli! replied the Sardarji, can you not read what it says
here ? "Chalti Gadee may Chadna manaa hai " !
****************************************************
Two blondes are walking down the street when the first blonde finds a compact on the sidewalk. She
opens it up and inside the compact is a mirror. She looks into the mirror, then looks away. She looks
into the mirror a second time. Confused she says to the second blonde, "I'm not sure, but I think this
person in the compact looks very familiar". Curiously the second blonde asked to see the compact. She
looks into the compact and hands it back to the first blonde and says, "It's me you dumb shit!"
****************************************************
Monica goes to the dry cleaners and hands her suit to the attendant. "There'sa stain on the lapel. Can
you get it off?" she asks. The attendant, a little hard of hearing, replies, "Come again?" "Oh no, its
coffee this time."
****************************************************
 39

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was
decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled
up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the
bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still
couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little
more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise
her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the
offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the
big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on
the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How
dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am
normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we
were friends."
****************************************************
Leaving work early...
There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde who all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their female boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and
decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too. That day the boss left early again
and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so she could get an early start the next
morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick workout before her dinner date. The Blonde went
home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her
boss, so she shut the door and left. The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about
going home early again. They asked the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. "No," she says,
"yesterday I nearly got caught!"
****************************************************
While undressing for bed one night, ol' Bill notices something like a red rash around his penis.
Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!", and makes a point of getting to his doctor at Bethesda
Naval Hospital, the very next day. "Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know. What
is it, and how do I get rid of it?" The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these
pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else." Bill
takes the pills for the week, but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to
his doctor and tells him the pills didn't help. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this
time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's not improved.
Bill takes the capsules for a week, and dang, the red ring is still there. So he goes back to his doctor
and asks, "What next?" The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. Rub this on every day for a
week, and let me know. Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news, doc! The rash is gone! That
stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?" The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover".
****************************************************
CONFUSCIUS SAY :
1. Woman who goes to mans apartment for snack, gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girls behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon,one prick, all gone.
9. Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong,man with four balls can't walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. When lady say no, she mean maybe,When lady say maybe, she mean yes, When lady say
yes,she no lady!
Confuscius also say:
Man who go to bed with question of sex on mind wake up with solution in hand
 40

****************************************************
An elderly couple were at home at the wife called out
"So, when are you going to the doctor"
"I told you, I'll go when I feel like going."
After 3 months of nagging, the old man finally walked
into the doctors office. "Doc," he said, "This is embarrassing,
but I'd like to get a prescription for Viagra."
"Not a problem," said the doctor, as he started writing
out the prescription. The old man, however, interrupted him
"Doc, I forgot to tell you I need each the pills cut into four pieces."
"I know they are expensive pills," said the doctor, "but
you have to take the entire pill if you want it to work properly"
"You don't understand," said the old man. "I am almost
90 years old and I haven't had sex in more than ten years.
I only want it to stick out a little so when I pee, it doesn'tget on my shoes."
****************************************************
Main aur meri tanhayi
aksar ye bate karte hai

ke US mein hota to aisa hota

aur India mein hota to waisa hota
main Client-Server pe hota
aur tum IBM pe hoti

mere "Forms" pe tum hasti aur

mere "reports" pe hairan hoti
tumhare "session" pe main hasta
aur "speed" pe ro deta

phir dono udipi restaurant mein jate

aur GOTU khate... ( GOTU : Ghee Onion Tomatto Uttapam!! )

magar aaj ye alam hai

ke na Project hai aur na hi PC hai
magar ye dil hai ki kaha raha hai
ke "Future" yahi hai yahi kahi hai.....

Main aur meri tanhayi ......

****************************************************
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the
goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a
Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple
walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in.
They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel". Well, the wife was really interested in buying the
sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex
hero he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The
Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?" After much badgering from
his wife, the husband finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got
this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years, her husband was full of raw
sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and
started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM
ON THE WRONG FEET! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"
*******************************************************
One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen,
or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see,
but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked,
heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if
nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and
have a horsy ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Mikey climbs on and after a few more
minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where
me and the mailman usually fall off!"
*******************************************************
 41

A sardar sees lot of guys running on the highway. Asks a bystander as to why are the guys doing what
they are doing
Bystander: A Marathon race is going on.
Sardar : What do they get from that?
Bystander : The winner will get a prize
Sardar : Then why are the others running?!
*******************************************************
Then there`s the one about the Sardarji who brought his binoculars to a funeral where they were going
to bury a distant relative of his...
******************************************************
The Sardarji Doctor to his patient: "It`s very important that you take this medicine exactly 30 minutes
before you feel the pain."
*******************************************************
The Sardarji doctor was so afraid of bacteria, that he cooked his ice-cubes before he put them in his
drink.
*******************************************************
Q How can you recognize an surd in a submarine?
A He is the one with the parachute on his back.
*******************************************************
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What
is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The
manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I
don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I
refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to
only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed
and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
*******************************************************
Banta comes to Australia and goes to Woolworths's (Ubiquitious grocery store in Australia). He finds
cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets
suspicious.He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He
asks Santa to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Banta goes home and returns
with a cat and gets to buy the cat food. Next week Banta finds dog food at special prices. He picks a
dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this
guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Santa to
bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Banta goes home and returns with a
dog. He gets to buy the dog food. Next week Banta comes to Woolworth's with a bag. He asks the
manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out.
He shouts at Banta: "What! This is shit!" Banta calmly replies: "Yes, and I want toilet paper".
*******************************************************
A college professor, who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and
"her." He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he
set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men.

Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender,
or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender
because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had
a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender
because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone
else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
 42

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on
accessories.
****************************************************
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly
informed his mother there were 2 boy kittens & 2 girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom."
*****
Another three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot.
She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said,
"Don't kid me, Mom, I KNOW they're my feet."
*****
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up
two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
*****
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.
The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?
his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm
looking for the seal."
*****
Can people predict the future with cards? My mother can. Really? Yes, she takes one look at my report
card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.
*****
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take
his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What
happened to the flea?"
*****
A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without
help from her mother. She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN"
****************************************************
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very
excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she
didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the
bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door,
down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman
strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself,
"Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the
snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They
started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At
seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" He
gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down
the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry
that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the
stairs. The door opened just then, with his very angry wife standing in the doorway, wondering where
he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the
snails, and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
****************************************************
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at
noon" answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
"What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk. Another hour
passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens
at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No... I don't wanna
git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
****************************************************
A blonde woman who had been unemployed for several months finally got a job with Public Works.
This was a little old town, so her job was to paint lines down the center of a rural road using a paint
brush. The Supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set
minimum of 2 miles per day of lines. The blonde agrees and starts right away. The Supervisor checked
at the end of day one and found that the blonde had completed 4 miles, double the required average.
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The
Supervisor thought, "Well, she's at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep
quiet." The third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before
this gets worse." The boss called the blonde in and said, "The first day you did 4 miles, the second day
 43

2 miles and yesterday only 1 mile. Why? Is there an injury? A problem? Equipment failure? What's
keeping you from meeting the minimum 2 miles per day?" The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep
getting farther and farther away from the paint bucket!"
****************************************************
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed
in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her
mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So,
why's the groom wearing black?"
****************************************************
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do
you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did
not!"
****************************************************
A man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but
about midnight, the phone rings. The man rolls over and answered... "Hello?" "What?" "How the hell
should I know, I live in Phoenix." He hangs up and his wife asks, "Who was it dear?" "Just some idiot
who wanted to know if the coast was clear!"
****************************************************
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
"So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but
fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you
completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another
miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to
drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods
his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The
woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks,
"Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
****************************************************
A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life. He was planning a trip to
England and entrusted the cat and his old mother to his best friend Sardar Diljinder Singh's care. As
soon as he arrived in England, he called his sardar friend. "How is my cat?" he asked. "Your cat is
dead," came the reply. "Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me that way?" "How else can I
tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the Sardar. "You should have led me up to it gradually," said the
bachelor. "For example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the roof, but the
Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me they
dropped him and broke his back, but a fine surgeon is doing all he could but my cat passed away. That
way it wouldn't have been such a shock." "By the way," he continued, "how is Mother?" "Mother?"
came the reply. "Oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting her down."
****************************************************
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband (that's what she called him):
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome
and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54
many more times than 54 goes into 18.
****************************************************
Idiot Sitings
-----------------
Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put
anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
~~~~~
Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an
intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I
explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth
are blind people doing driving?"
 44

~~~~~
Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "right sizing,"
our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another
word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching
truck.
~~~~~
Sighting #5 (a rare "double sighting"):
A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word
documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me, I was with another friend. She
thought it was a good idea too.
~~~~~
WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP??
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He
received a $26 million severance
package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
~~~~~
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded
himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was
standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.
~~~~~
WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two
different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own
bank account.
~~~~~
THESE NITWITS ARE TEACHING OUR CHILDREN??
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's
drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make
him "jump higher." and:
A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop.
School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy ... not to be confused with
the "zero-intelligence" policy.
~~~~~
SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY!
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last
month - a short in the
homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the
distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
~~~~~
THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer.
Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for
three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
~~~~~
DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY??
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire
protruding from his forehead and
calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been
stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a
Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
~~~~~
DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a
lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or
I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
~~~~~
OUCH, THAT SMARTS!!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money
exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants
as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking
 45

place inside his pants." said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in
custody.
~~~~~
ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" The doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" The man shouted. "This is
her husband!"
****************************************************
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, -"Daddy, what's
Sex?". "OK" He thinks this day was bound to come, and am not going to let my little princess learn
about Sex from the streets. So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells
her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation,
erections, wet dreams. Then she asks: Daddy what is "A Couple"?. And he carries on :a couple are the
two people involved in the sex, but this can be two males also, where they penetrate from the ass, or
two females which we call lesbians, where they use the tongue on the vagina..., and goes on to describe
masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, sex toys etc... The
father finally asks: "So why did you want to know about "a couple" and "Sex" ? "Oh, mummy said
lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
****************************************************
Up in the Air
-------------

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard and/or
reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the
loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fellas. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest
flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
hell everything has shifted."

"Weather at our destinations is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed
before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please
take them with our compliments."

Once on a southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning
off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you
for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag
over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant
came on the intercom and said: "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to
tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, and it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault. It
was the asphalt!"

Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing:

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
 46

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with,
"Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here a US
Airways."

And from the pilot during his welcome message:

"We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them
are on this flight."
****************************************************
Once old fellow was sitting in the park reading book "learn Java in 21 days".
A passer by saw him and asked "U are such a old guy, why do you bother to learn Java?"
"I have heard that communication language at heaven is Java so after my death when I will be in
heaven, I don't want to face communications problem." fellow replied.
"But how come are U so sure that U will be in heaven? It could be a hell also." he asked.
"Ya, doesn't matter .... I already know COBOL" .
****************************************************
LIVIN' THE VIRAR LOCAL

(Sung to the tune of Livin' Da Vida Loca by Ricky Martin)

He's in a Virar Local,
Destination Goregaon.
Right hand's holding Mid-Day,
With left he's hanging on...

Pushed in at Dadar station,

Got a few blows on his mouth.
Crushed beyond recognition,
Wallet's been taken out...

They'll stand on your lil pinkies,

When you get into the train.
They squeeze your breath from both of your lungs,
Until they make you scream in pain.

And all your settings gone in vain, C' MON

CHORUS:
Upside, inside out
Livin' the Virar local.
They'll push and pull you out,
Livin' the Virar local.
And who's gonna tell them no?
You try and they'll make you choe-a
Livin' the Virar local.
Hey...
Livin' the Virar local.

Wake up... in Borivli,

Oh shit, missed Goregaon.
And now, he's feeling silly,
Because, he's in Naigoan...

They took all his clothes off

And had him dancing in the train,
They made him sing a bhajan
 47

until they drove the man insane.

And then he lost his left eye to a stone.
C'MON

Livin' the Virar local.

Hey...
Livin' the Virar local.
Hey...
Livin' the Virar local.
****************************************************
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her
a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.The woman notices this and asks, "Is
your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just
testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses
alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says
you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then
because I am wearing panties! "The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
****************************************************
NEW WORLD EXPLANATIONS...!

Money is not everything.

There's Mastercard & Visa.

One should love animals.

They are so tasty.

Love everybody.
Love every body.

Save water.
Shower with your friend.

Love thy neighbor.

But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman.

And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry.

After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

A successful man is one who can earn more than his wife spend.
A Successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Wise never marry.

and when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term.

It brings so many relatives.

Never put off anything till tomorrow.

What you can put off today.
****************************************************
Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror.
If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie
*poof* - - you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. Sooooo, A redhead of
questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, " I think I'm the
most beautiful woman in the world."- - *poof* The mirror swallows her. Next a rather large brunette
stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive ! - - *poof* The mirror
swallows her. Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I
think...." - -*poof*
****************************************************
 48

One liners
---------------
My father can beat your father.
"Big deal. So can my mother.

Am I the first girl you've kissed?"

"Might be - your face looks familiar."

"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"

"Yes if you're lucky."

"Do you want to buy a hand mirror?"

"No, I want one I can see my face in."

We had nothing in common. She was a girl and I was a man.

I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.

They lived happily until they got married.

"Why did you hit your wife with a chair?"

"I couldn't lift the table."

My friend has a fine watch dog. At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.

"I passed your house yesterday."

"Thanks I appreciate it."

"Where did you get those big eyes?"

"They came with the face."

"Are you familiar with Grace Smith ?"

"I tried it once and she slapped my face."

"Say you love me! Say you love me!"

"You love me!"

"What do you use for washing dishes?"

"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."

"How is your wife getting along on her reducing diet?"

"Fine. She vanished last night."

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look.

"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."

"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."

"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"

"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"

"Guilty. Ten days or twenty dollars?"

"I'll take the twenty dollars, Judge."

"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"

"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."

There are two kinds of secrets : one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.
 49

"Say, waiter, what's the difference between the one dollar steak and two dollar steak?
"The two dollar steak costs exactly one dollar more."

"I gott an 'A' in spelling."

"You dope! There isn't any 'A' in spelling."

My wife is always talking about a trip to Europe. I have no objections - I let her talk.

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"

"Please wait someone else is using it."

"There's one thing good about being poor - its inexpensive.

Summer must be over. My neighbour just returned my lawn furniture

Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday.

An unmarried man has no buttons on his shirt. A married man has no shirt.

A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.

"What did one ghost say to another?"

"Do you believe in people?"

In France the cops are so polite, I put my hand out for a left turn and a cop kissed it.

"Were you in Paris on your vacation?"

"I don't know my husband got the tickets."

He met her in a revolving door and has been going around with her ever since.

I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.
****************************************************
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of
the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's
whispered. "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss
asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man
asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the
boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the
small voice whispered, "no". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching
over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the
child, "A policeman". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman"? "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?, asked
the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing
concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the
phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What
is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered,
"The search team just landed the hello-copper" Alarmed,concerned and more than just a little
frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"? Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a
muffled giggle: "They're looking for me"
****************************************************
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and
making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced
travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the
counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first,
and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do
you have any idea who I am?"
 50

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have
your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger
here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,
please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his
teeth and swore, FUCK you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
****************************************************
This Sardar taxi driver in New York would amuse himself by running over Pakistanis he saw walking
down the side of the road. Every time he would see a Pakistani walking along the road, he would
swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road.
(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the Sardar could distinguish the Pakistanis
from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left...).
One day, as the taxi driver was driving along he saw a priest looking for a ride. He pulled the taxi over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road,"
replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll get you there. Get in." The happy priest climbed in and the
taxi driver continued down the road. Suddenly the Sardar saw a Pakistani walking down the road and
instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the car with him, so
at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the Paki. However even though he was
certain he missed the Paki, he still heard a loud"THUD". Not understanding where the noise came
from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said,
"Father, I'm sorry about that Pakistani" "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
****************************************************
A brain tumor patient with end-stage disease was informed that he needed an immediate brain
transplant operation. The surgeon told him, "You can have an Indian brain for 10,000 dollars or an
American's for 25,000 dollars or I can give you 10 gms. of a Paki's brain for 100,000 dollars." The
patient asked,"Why is the Paki's brain so much more expensive than the others?" "Well," replied the
surgeon, "we have to go through a lot of Pakistanis to find 10 gms of brain."
****************************************************
A big Sardar walked into a bar with his pet tiger on a leash and asked the bartender, "Do you serve
Pakistanis here?". "Sure we do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the Sardar. "Give me a beer, and
one Pakistani for my tiger."

****************************************************
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's
eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under
trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and
the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney
implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down
to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?" The man says "I've been
lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most
gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight" The old Chinese man says "I'll let
you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter" The man, exhausted
and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way
tomorrow morning." The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the
three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man." "Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old
house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her
life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the
granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had
been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk
besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise
down to a minimum.
The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be
worth it after that experience." Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest.
He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st
Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest". "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself
as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the
backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the
 51

rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to
bedpost".
****************************************************
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the
runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are
supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the
ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every
time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't
want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a
smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft
within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the
planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of
printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane,
you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully
adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the
in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all
they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
****************************************************
Murphy's First Law of Computing
Whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

Murphy's Second Law of Computing

When you get to the point where you really understand your Software, it's probably obsolete.

Murphy's Third Law of Computing

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find
it.

Murphy's Fourth Law of Computing

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

Murphy's Fifth Law of Computing

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

Murphy's Sixth Law of Computing

To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright
natural.

Murphy's Seventh Law of Computing

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

Murphy's Eighth Law of Computing

If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

Murphy's Ninth Law of Computing

 52

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system
that worked just fine.

Murphy's Tenth Law of Computing

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

Murphy's Eleventh Law of Computing

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
****************************************************
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at
which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he
takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs he falls over backwards and
lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint
bottles in his backpockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he
was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed
blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something
terrible.Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the
covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied
one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple
of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the
heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my
first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror."
****************************************************
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
If God sneezes, what should you say?
If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won't they all stop eventually?
Does anybody ever vanish with a trace?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
What is another word for thesaurus?
Why is the word abbreviate so long?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Why do bars advertise LIVE bands? What does a dead band sound like?
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
****************************************************
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the difficulty of the reach.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of instalment payments.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
****************************************************
EXCUSES...EXCUSES
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling)
 53

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan.28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words
were crossed out in the ( )'s]
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home beause she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch,
and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset
stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached
all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be somthing going around, her
father even got hot last night.
****************************************************
Men really are enjoyable. They are the source of such amusement! In Praise of Men:
Men are like ... newborn babies They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.
Men are like ... coffee The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.
Men are like ... computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like ... coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like ... chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... power tools They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
Men are like ... remote controls Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
Men are like ... shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
Men are like ... vacuum cleaners They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
Men are like ... road kill They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
Men are like ... soap operas They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
Men are like ... pillows Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
Men are like ... old car tires Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
Men are like ... plastic wrap Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through.
Men are like ... department stores Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like ... horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like ... cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like ... plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
****************************************************
A Mother teaching her daughter how to avoid being molested.
Mother : When a stranger touches your upper part, tell him "don't".
If he touches your bottom part, tell him To "Stop".
Next day, the daughter was molested and the mother very furious, she asked the daughter why she did
not tell the person to stop.
Her daughter answered: That man starts touching me Up & down and so I said Don't Stop !!!!
****************************************************
27 Facts(!!??!!) About Women

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it
out. Anything on sale is fair game.
 54

3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just
don't understand".
4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah
Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
6. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp
involved.
7. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being
untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
8. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
9. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if
women had an "on/off" switch.
10. Women think all beer is the same.
11. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a
woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
12. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things
twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll
feel like wearing each day.
13. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm,
who was it that gave Adam the apple?
14. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to
identify most of these items.
15. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
16. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon
returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
17. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
18. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
19. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands
for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.)
20. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
21. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
22. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman- language than it does in man-
language.
23. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are
heading.
24. Origin of the word "woman" is: woo-man.
25. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't
see women trampling over shahrukh khan to get to johnny lever , do you?
26. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time
checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always
catch men checking out other women.
27. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a
formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me
outta here!"
****************************************************
Travails Of A Hindi Speaking Bihari professor TAking Classes In English
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a true incident which happened in a college A new lecturer was unable to control the class.The
guys were just talking without giving any attention to him. So he wanted to send a guy who was
creating most of the problem out. But he doesn't know how to put it in English.
He went near the guy. Shouted "follow me" .The guy followed him till he went out of the class.
Now the lecturer turned back and again shouted "Don't follow me" and went inside the class..........

# Inside the Class :

* Open the doors of the window : Let the atmosphere come in.
* Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away in the corridor
* You, meet me behind the class. ( meaning AFTER the class.....)
* Both of u three, get out of the class.
* Close the doors of the windows please .. I have winter in my nose today ...

# About his family :

* I have two daughters. Both of them are girls...(?)
 55

# At the ground :
* All of you, stand in a straight circle.
* There is no wind in the balloon.

# To a boy, angrily :
* I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk ?

# Giving a punishment :
* You, rotate the ground four times...
* You, go and under-stand the tree...
* You three of you, stand together separately.
****************************************************
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me? " The
accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot nderstand you, but I can interpret for
you."
The Godfather says, "Well...ask him where the damn money is" The attorney, using sign language,
asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger
and says, "Ask him again where the damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my
backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
****************************************************
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his
hand at changing diapers.
"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around, and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled. "Oh! I didn't mean the
next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
****************************************************
A blue-bottle fly was buzzing down the river and a salmon swimming in the river below saw him and
thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down river I can jump up and eat him for my lunch".
Unbeknownst to the salmon a big bear was sitting on the river bank and he also saw the blue bottle; he
thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him and I can
reach out my paw and catch the salmon for my dinner".
Unbeknownst to the big bear a hunter was on the opposite bank of the river and he also saw the blue
bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him,
the bear will reach out his paw and catch him and I will roll over and shoot the bear as a trophy".
Unbeknownst to the hunter a mouse was sitting beside him and he also saw the blue bottle; he thought
"If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach
out his paw and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear and I will grab the sandwich
that falls out of his pocket".
Unbeknownst to the mouse a cat was hiding in the bushes and he also saw the blue bottle; he thought
"If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach
out his paw and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear, the mouse will grab the
sandwich from the hunter's pocket and I will jump on the mouse".
So the blue bottle flew down river; the salmon leaped up and caught the fly; the big bear reached out
his paw and caught the salmon; the hunter rolled over and shot the bear; the mouse grabbed the
sandwich from the hunter's pocket; and the cat jumped, missed and fell into the river.
The moral of the story being you need a lot of foreplay to get a wet pussy.
****************************************************
A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school Bombay. He reported for duty
two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly
on Independence Day.
 56

Here's his dynamite speech : Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children, "This is my first
maiden speech. If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted
to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason.
Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give
ticket. I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I
then pressed her for long time and at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway
I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.
We got independent because of great leaders linke Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from
India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our birth-rate. You
children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking,
or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt.
You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They
became great by reading great books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and
get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered
accountants, or leacherers in college.
The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour
water of knowledge on your heads and one day will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in
newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators,
highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise. If you have
flare in English, you can become teacher.
I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and thank God I am finished. Joy Hind!"
****************************************************
One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking pig,
but why does he have a wooden leg?"
So the man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on
fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life."
The bartender says. "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?"
The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and
the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life."
The bartender says, "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?"
The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake
my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life."
And finally the bartender says,"Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake
and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?"
The man says, "When you have a pig this special you can't eat all of it at once."
****************************************************
Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM)
and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
SM Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.
SM It is not working.
SL Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.
SM So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow
both of us.
So the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried
because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
SM Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!
SL The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.
SM So, what happened? Please tell us.
SL The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.
SM So what happened?
SL The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
SM And what else?
SL The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
SM Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
 57

SL The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM Oh, no! What happened then?
SL Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
...and you thought it was dirty!
****************************************************
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their
theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight,
talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize
when wrong. No further testing is planned.
****************************************************
At an art exhibition there was a painting of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a bench.
What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the
middle had a very pink penis. The picture was titled "Home for Lunch."
Two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure
this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "Can I help you with this
painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of these African American men
on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"
"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not African
Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch."
****************************************************
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and asks, "Mom, what are those things on your
chest?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the
matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn't forget. The following morning, he asks his father the same question. His father, always
quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow
them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks it's neat and stops asking.
A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the
house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"
His father says, "Calm down son, why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up
Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"
****************************************************
A curious little boy asks his mom what his younger sister has between the legs. The young mother
does not know how to explain to the boy, so she says, "It's like the garage..." The boy then asks, "What
is mine called?" The mother replies, "It's called the car..."
A few days later, the phone rings while the parents are "busy" in the bedroom and the little boy
answers it. It's his dad's friend.
"Is your father home? Could I speak to him?"
"Yes, but he's busy," the boy replies.
"What's he doing? I wanna talk to him..."
"Wait, let me check..."
The boy looks through the bedroom keyhole, then comes back and says, "He's putting the car into the
garage..."
"Okay, I'll call back..."
A short while later, the man calls back: "Can I talk to your dad now?"
"He's still busy..."
"What?! What's he doing? How long does it take him to put the car in the garage anyway?"
"Wait, let me check..."
The boy, again, looks through the bedroom keyhole, comes back and has this to tell his dad's friend:
"He's still trying to put the car in the garage; he keeps moving the car back and forth. He seems to have
a problem putting the rear wheels of the car into the garage..."
****************************************************
1. Manager: Sorry,but i can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of
much help any way!!
2. Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u
copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
3. Diner: Waiter,look at this chicken, nothing but skin and bones.
Waiter: What else do u want, feathers?
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken.Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
 58

Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!

Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
4. Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
5. Man : Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.
6. Ken : These ice-cream are too expensive!
John: Stop complaining and pay with a smile.
Ken : I wish I could but the man insists on cash!
7. Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!
8. Almost bald man: Why do u always charge me double? You ought to charge me cheaper for I don't
have much hair!
Barber: No, no! We don't charge for cutting the hair! we charge for having to search for it!
9. New prisoner comes to prison cell.
Convicts: What has happened with you that you are here?
Prisoner: I have broken a window on my job place.
Convicts: It's unbelievable! Where did you work?
Prisoner: On a submarine.
****************************************************
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same
depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy
joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote: How the hell are
you able to stay under this deep without equipment? The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the
diver had written, and wrote: I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!
****************************************************
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead

MEN'S ENGLISH:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner: = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
 59

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like
to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay
****************************************************
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
****************************************************
Paradoxes of English Language
----------------------------------------------

Lets face it, English is a stupid language.

There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted but if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth Shouldn't the plural of phone
booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play, Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and Drive on parkways
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day and as cold as hell on another
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down
In which you fill in a form By filling it out and a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers a it reflects the creativity of the human race
That is why When the stars are out they are visible but when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts but when I wind up this poem It ends.
****************************************************
Ten minutes into a date a guy wonders if he'll get laid.
The girl knows for sure!
****************************************************
There once was an army recruit,
Whose dick could stand up and salute.
But a gay army sarge,
Gave him a discharge,
So don't ask, and don't tell, and don't shoot.
****************************************************
The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
 60

- has to work in a high humidity environment;

- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request denied for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- does not have a degree;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- shows no fidelity to the workplace;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.
****************************************************
After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary
responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly she jerked
away, got out of the car and stomped home. That night she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are
her own two legs."
On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were necking, he slid his hand up Mary's
skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car and stomped home. That night she wrote in her
diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time Mary didn't get home until very late.
That night she wrote, "Dear diary: There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."
****************************************************
Signs That You Have Had Too Much Of The 90's
-- You try to enter your password on the microwave.
-- You now think of three espresso's as "getting wasted."
-- You no longer own a real deck of cards. Solitaire, spades, and hearts are all played on the computer.
-- Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
-- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
-- You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
-- The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
-- You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for
dinner?"
-- Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
****************************************************
If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.
What kind of a question would have Monica as the answer?
****************************************************
The once was a man from Hong Kong, who tied a large rock to his dong.
In the East he gained fame, and all knew him by name,
This man they called Hee Hung So Long.
****************************************************
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went to
the flagpole with a ladder and measuring tape.They keeping falling off the ladder, dropping the tape
and the whole thing is in a mess. An engineer comes a long and sees what they are trying to do. He
walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measure it from end to end, gives the
measurement to one manager and walks away. After the engineer left, one of manager turns to another
and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer? We are looking for the height and he gives us the length!"
Moral of the Story :No matter how ingenious you are.
Managers can always find fault with it.
****************************************************
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he
looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the
officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the
monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his
mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers
together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes." "What else?" The
 61

monkey motioned "Screwing." "They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer. "Yes." "Now
wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked." "Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.
****************************************************
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds
for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream
running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer
to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he
can't communicate with me."
****************************************************
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic
Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything
about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks. "No," says the
psychic, "in biology class."
****************************************************
Check out how these anagrams work out...

Dormitory Dirty Room

Evangelist Evil's Agent
Desperation A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code Here Come Dots
Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em
Mother-in-law Woman Hitler
The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two Twelve Plus One
Contradiction Accord Not In It
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA : TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS.
****************************************************
The following is a real ad from a newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three
hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and
ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him. cheap.
TUESDAY: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing
machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls
because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale
R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs.
Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY : I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I
have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was
my housekeeper but she quit!
****************************************************
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a
habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been
stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without
even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY
HOSS?" he yelled with surprising force. No one answered. "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE
 62

ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M
GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE
IN TEXAS!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse
was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender left the bar and asked meekly,
"Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to
walk home."
****************************************************
What do u call a good looking Pakistani?
ASIF (as if)
----
What do tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already!
----
Why do Jewsih people have Double Glazzed Windows?
So their kids can't hear the Ice Cream Van passig by!
****************************************************
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not
quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred
bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner. She's not there five minutes when a
guy pulls up and says, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says "Shit. All I've got is
thirty." She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
Harry says, "A hand job". She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He
says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares
at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says
breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks
****************************************************
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his
doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all
in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I
am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch
doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a
bright flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can
only use it once a year! All you have to do is say 123 and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy
asked the witch doctor, "What happens when it is over?" The witch doctor replies, "All you or your
partner has to say is 1234 and it will go down, but be warned that it will not work again for a year. The
guy goes home and that night and he's ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in
bed with her and says "123," and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says "what did
you say 123 for?"
****************************************************
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been
dating very long, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white
gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got
the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his
sweetheart with the following note :
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the
evening. If it had not been
for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are
easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she
had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and
she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands
will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off,
remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from
wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year !
All my love. P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
****************************************************
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give
them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing
is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's
anus, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them.
 63

After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit. "The second thing is that you must have an acute
sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."
****************************************************
Start with a prayer :::
Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings, thank you Lord, that I can hear.
There are many who are deaf.
Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are lost, toast is burned and tempers are
short, my children are so loud, thank you Lord for my family. There are many who are lonely.
Even though our breakfast table never looks like the pictures in magazines and the menu at times is
unbalanced, thank you Lord for the food we have . There are many who are hungry.
Even though the routine of my job is often monotonous, thank you Lord, for the opportunity to work.
There are many who have no job.
****************************************************
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone
else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm
mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on
accessories for it.

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have
obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
****************************************************
If silence is golden, then speech is platinum. It spreads wisdom, dispels ignorance, ventilates
grievences, stimulates curiosity, lightens the spirits and lessens the fundamental loneliness of the soul.
****************************************************
Ladka bola :
kash in hasinao ke baap mar jate,
kash in hasinao ke baap mar jate,
bahana gham ka hota, hum inke ghar to aate.
Ladki boli:
Bewkoof, Yeh bolana bhi paap hoga,
Bewkoof, Yeh bolana bhi paap hoga,
kisi din tu bhi kisi hasina ka baap hoga.
****************************************************
Just remember........
Always give 100% at work.......
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
And remember ........
When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to p**s you off, remember it
takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and tell them to f**k off.
****************************************************
Confusing Mentalities:
-------------------------------
The Other Day While Sitting At A Good Joint In Mumbai.......
A Person Refused To Have His Shot Of Whiskey If Not Accompanied By His Trusted / Safe Brand
Of Mineral Water. He Would Simply Not Want To Take Risk By Going For Another Brand Inspite
Of Repeated Requests By The Captain Who Even Assured Him That This Is A ***** Restaurant And
We Have Our Own Mini Distilling Systems. Well This Is What I Call Brand Loyalty..... POISON If
Accompanied By Any kind Of Water , Can it be less Harmful ????....
 64

--------------
Similarly An Interesting News Report :
A Woman Refused To Commit Suicide And Had It Postponed Just Because The Area Chemist Did
Not Stock Any Branded Bottle Of ' Poison '. Well Again A Case Of Brand Loyalty..... She Always
Had The Best Of Brands And Would Feel UNSAFE Consuming Unbranded poison..... And Here
Comes The Good Part... Later Though The Chemist Did Get Stocks Of Her Trusted Company.... The
Lady Had Put Off Her Plans Of Suicide As She Could At Last Find Her Long Lost Dog And Now She
Did Not Have No Reason To Commit Suicide.
--------------
Talking About Water ... Source Indian Television :
INDIAN SCIENTISTS HAVE DISCOVERED ALTERNATE USE FOR DIRTY WATER. THEY
WILL PRODUCE ELECTRICITY OUT OF IT BUT SOME CONCERNED CITIZENS HAVE
VOICED A PROTEST "WHAT WILL THE MAJORITY OF INDIAN POPULATION DRINK IF
THAT WATER IS USED FOR ELECTRICITY PURPOSES"
****************************************************
For Busy People Who Do Not Have Time To Spare 3 Hrs Here's The Compressed, super zipped
version Of
Titanic
Girl boards ship
Boy boards ship.
Boy boards girl.
Ship goes down on boy and girl.
Matrix
Go To Sleep
Dream ......
Do Not Worry Dreams Are Often Uninterpretable : " Morphius "
Mann
Girl boards ship
Boy boards ship.
Boy boards girl.
Ship Does Not Go down
As Some Songs Yet To Be sung ...
Though Battered And LAME the Ship
makes it through in true tradition of indian films.
****************************************************
FEMALES: A CHEMICAL BREAKDOWN
A Hazardous Materials Information Sheet Materials Safety Data Sheet - CLASSIFIED WOMEN - A
CHEMICAL ANYALSIS
ELEMENT: Women.
SYMBOL: Wo.
DISCOVERER: Adam.
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6Kg, but known to vary from 40-200Kg.
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states, from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
 65

2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long
as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
HANDLE WITH CAUTION!!!!
Source: Anonymous
****************************************************
COMING OR GOING
The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the
gentleman had. When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died. While consoling the
wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man
had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack. The lady replied, "Well, we were in the
bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I
thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."
****************************************************
ONE-LINERS
--------------------

When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute.

Too bad they missed.
---------
Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are enough!
---------
No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
---------
Your future depends on your dreams So go to sleep !
---------
ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY
So what ? Who's in a hurry ?
---------
Work fascinates me
I can look at it for hours !
---------
Love is photogenic;
it needs darkness to develop
---------
Children in backseats cause accidents;
Accidents in backseats cause children !
---------
A drunk was hauled into court. "Mister", the judge began, "you've been brought here for drinking".
"Great", the drunk exclaimed. "When do we get started?"
---------
Can you do anything that other people can't?
Sure, I can read my handwriting.
---------
Whom are you working for?
Some people. My wife and four kids.
---------
Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying
married just to be different.
---------
What book do you like the best?
My husband's cheque book
****************************************************
What the doctor says, and what he really means
----------------------------------------------

"This should be taken care of right away."

I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it
cures itself.
 66

---------
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
---------
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
---or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
---------
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
---------
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
---------
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent stake in the lab.
---------
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
---------
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
---------
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
---------
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
---------
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
****************************************************
PREGNANCY QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
-------------------------------------------------------------
Here are some real answers to some real questions regarding pregnancy:

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
---------
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
---------
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
---------
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
---------
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
---------
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
****************************************************
New Alcohol Warnings...
-----------------------
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles such as:
13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over
again until your friends want to smash your head in.
 67

10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to "thay shings like thish".
9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe ex-lovers are really dying for you to
telephone them at 4 in the morning.
8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your
pants.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something
really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and
smarter than some really, really big guy named Bubba.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby
small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
****************************************************
HOW TO TELL IF A GUY LIKES A GIRL:
1. The guy will try to make you laugh.
2. He'll flirt with you when he can.
3. He might try to show off around you.
4. He'll help you out, if you ask for it.
5. He'll stick up for you when you need it most.
6. He'll be friendly to you and all your friends.
7. He might call you for no good reason.
8. He might make fun of you, in a joking way.
9. He'll tell you that you did good, even if you did horrible.
10. He'll make eye contact with a happy grin on his face.

HOW TO TELL IF A GIRL LIKES A GUY:

1. The girl will laugh at all your jokes.
2. She'll stare at you with a smile on her face.
3. She'll ask you who you like, continuously.
4. She might try to make you jealous.
5. She'll beg that you do everything for her.
6. She might start talking to your friends.
7. She'll talk to you about the different varieties of guys.
8. She'll always seem to be talking about how nice you are.
9. She'll always be flirting with every other guy except you.
10. She'll always ask what to do in a bad situation..
****************************************************
THE CREATION OF A PUSSY
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
the lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish,
 68

and gave it a smell,

Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.
****************************************************
No ver -stuff
The below could be any answer to what your kid may ask you the next time:
Son (S) : Why is making love so enjoyable.
Father (F) : It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger !!
S : Why do women enjoys more than man
F : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.
S: Why do women hate it when they get raped.
F: It is like when you are walking on the street, someone else come over and dig your nose, do you like
it ??
S: Why woman cannot have . . . when they are having menses?
F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it ??
S: Why man do not like to wear condoms when they are making love.
F: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.
S: Why are making love carried out in private?
F: Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!
S: Woa . . father you are good.
****************************************************
How do you express your irritation:
-----------------------------------

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
8. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
9. No, my powers can only be used for good.
10. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
11. You sound reasonable . . . . Time to up my medication.
12. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
13. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message . . . .
14. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
15. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
16. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
17. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
****************************************************
Did you hear Monica Lewinsky flipped her Ford Explorer? I hear she blew a Dunlop....
She was reaching into her purse for some spermicidal mouthwash and veered off to the right...
She's okay, but her doctor told her to spend a few days off her knees...
****************************************************
Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A Japanese deliveryman is
clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling: "you sign,
you sign". The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door. The next day, the man is
back, waving a clipboard under the great man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and
insisting: "you sign, you sign". Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two
truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods. Mandela loses his
temper and yells: "look, I don't want these. Do you understand? You have the wrong name". Puzzled,
the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks: "You not Nissan Maindealer?
****************************************************
 69

A zoo acquired a very rare species of gorilla.Within a few weeks, the gorilla,a female,became very
horny,and difficult to handle. Upon examination,a veterinarian determined the problem: she was in
heat.What to do?There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem,the zoo
administrators noticed Burl, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Now Burl was rumored to posses ample ability to satisfy any female, and he was not very bright.So the
zoo administrators thought they might entice Burl to satisfy the female gorilla. They approached him
with a proposition: "would he be willing to screw the gorilla for $500?
Burl:I might be interested.Let me think it over
He entered the zoo administrator's office the next day.
Burl:I accept your offer,but with 3 conditions:
1st, I don't have to kiss her.
2nd, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result.
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions,but inquired about the third condition?
Burl:Well,you've gotta give me another week to come up with the $500
****************************************************
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my
bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty
storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I
were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" The mother
said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother Indian paused and asked
her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
****************************************************
An Indian politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the senator invited him home for
dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings. He
asked "How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?" The senator smiled knowingly and
took him to the window. "Can you see the river?" "Yes" "Can you see the bridge over it?" "Of course",
said the minister. "10 percent", said the senator smugly.
Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on
him. When they came to his house, the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had
built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc. etc. "How can you possibly afford this, on a
salary in RS?', he asked. The minister called him to the window. See the river over there?" "Sure",
cried the senator. "Can you see the bridge over it?" The senator looked, was confused, peered closely
and said - "No, I don't see any bridge." "100 percent", said the minister !!
****************************************************
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and
said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of
intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his
wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your
bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his package. With a
death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the
gardener, the butler, the pool man, and your brother."
****************************************************
Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, Jake, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held
her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from
her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Jake," she
whispered. "Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." But she was insistent.
"Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's
nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." Jake
mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all
about it," he said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
****************************************************
The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the
final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He
sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once
more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighedagain. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed
his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
 70

****************************************************
It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old white man married a 20 year old white girl. After a
year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying
"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?
He answered "You've got to keep that old motor running".
The following year she gave birth again.
The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said "You've got to keep
the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man."
He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."
****************************************************
Ek ladki COKE pi rahi hai.
A fly is found in her coke. When she removes the fly it gives birth to a baby fly and it dies.
Now, jab woh baby fly aakhen kholti hai to ladki ko dekhke bolti hai " MAA!!!!"
To woh ladki bolti hai, mein teri maa nahi hoon phir tune mujhye maa kyun kaha?
"kyunke meine tumhare COKE se janam liya hai!!
****************************************************
Any Father will tell ya that parents spend the first 2-3 years of a daughter's life trying to teach them to
talk, and the next
15 or so trying to get them to shut-up.
****************************************************
Bill and Marla had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a
Sunday afternoon quickie. With their ten-year-old son in the apartment, the idea was to send him out
on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they
thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. The boy began his
commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking
"he said. "An ambulance just drove by"! A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have
company" he called out "Matt's riding a new bike and.......the Coopers are making love." Mom and
Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on
the balcony too," his son replied.
****************************************************
THE CONDOM JINGLES
------------------------------------

lux condomes---filmi sitaron ki pasand

4 sqr condomes----live life life king size
kelvinator condomes---its the coolest one
bajaj condomes---buland bharat ki buland tasveer
vidiocon condomes-----bring home the leader
phillipscondomes----lets make the things better
onida condomes----neighbours envy owner's pride
pepsicondoms----------yahi hai right choice baby aha
thumsupcondoms--------taste the thunder
cokecondoms----------eat condoms sleep condoms wear only coca cola
arielcondoms-----dhoondte rah jaoyege
rotomac condoms----sab kuch dikhta hai
willscondom-------made for each other
godrejcondoms--------100 yaers in the future
servo condoms------add servo add life
hajmolacondoms----kuch khatta kuch meetha
ceat condoms ------born tough
amulcondom---------taste of india
rupacondom----yeh andar ki baat hai
bplcondom------belieave in the best
cadburypicniccondom--------kuchh jada hi solid
herohondahondacondom------wear it and forget it
mirindacondom-----zor ka dhakka dheere se lage
peterenglandcondom----the honest condom
nikecondoms----just do it
visapowercondom-----go and get it
pepsicondom----dil maange more
 71

siemenscondom---communication unlimited
bagpipe4r condoms-------khoob jamegi jab mil baithenge teen
yaar....main,aap aur bagpiper condom
mintocondom ---condom without a hole
red&whitecondom---inkee baat hi kuchh aur hai
ajanta condoms---pappa ka mammama ka aur meera
nokia condoms---connrcting people
ibm condoms---solutions for small planet
novell condoms---every thing is connected
tata siera condoms---take the rough with the smooth
cococare condomes----meri nanai ki nani bhi yahi sue karte thi
jai condoms----phale pyaar ka ehsaas
cinthol condomes----i use cinthol ....do u
fevicol condoms----aisa jod lagaye ...acchese accha na taod paye
bata condoms---phano shaan se
****************************************************
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness
of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around,
still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the
basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying. She asked him, "What's
wrong with you?" He replied, "Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16?
Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20
years." Baffled, she said, "Yes." The husband bawled, "I would have been released from prison today."
****************************************************
"Give us Madhuri Dixit and Take Kashmir. Who wants the rocky wasteland of Batalik anyway?"
-A drunk Pak soldier's heart's cry on the heights of Jubar
****************************************************
The following is an excerpt from an article in the Wall Street Journal about how people blunder with
their PCs:

1 - Compaq is considering changing the command 'Press Any Key' to 'Press Return Key' because of the
flood of calls asking where the 'Any key' is.
2 - AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust
cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3 - Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read
word processing files from his old diskettes. The customer had stuck labels on the diskettes, then
rolled them into his typewriter to type on the labels.
4 - Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later, a letter
arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5 - A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the
door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and
crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6 - Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes
of troubleshooting, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front
of the monitor screen and hitting the <send> key.
7 - Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned
it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the
keys and washing them individually.
8 - A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told
him he was 'bad and an invalid' The tech explained that the computer's 'bad command' and 'invalid'
responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9 - A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the
computer had said it 'couldn't find printer'. The user had tried turning the computer screen to face the
printer, but that his computer still couldn't 'see' the printer.
10 - An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn
on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she
pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
happened". The 'foot pedal' turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11 - Another customer called Compaq Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work.
She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What Power
switch"?
 72

12 - True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about
getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a
promotional, at a trade show?"
Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it. At
this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard.
The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the
drive!
13 - Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first
disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with that disk. When
it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that 'Insert Disk 2'
meant to remove Disk 1 first.

THERE NOW, DON?T YOU FEEL BETTER!

Thought you might realize how much you DO KNOW about computers, have a good laugh!
****************************************************
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life. Until the boat sank.
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...Nothing.
Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come
from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars
were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern
came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island,there is a very unusual
strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is
stunned.
"Let's row over to my place, " she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small
wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading
to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please;
would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,"I'm going to slip into something more
comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom
cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made
from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a
swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but vines strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down
next to her.
"Tell me," she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him,"we've been out here for a really long time.
You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've
been longing for all these months? You know..." She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean-- ?", he swallows excitedly, "- I can check my e-mail
from here...?
****************************************************
EMAIL HEIGHTS
 73

-------------

* HEIGHT OF REPETITION: You forwarding a mail to someone and receiving the same mail
forwarded from him to you.
* HEIGHT OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using mails to communicate with each
other.
* HEIGHT OF COWARDNESS: Two persons fighting through mails.
* HEIGHT OF HELPNESSNESS: You receiving no mails for a week.
* HEIGHT OF IDLENESS: A person using mail-tool all the time.
* HEIGHT OF FRUSTATION: The mail server being down.
* HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS: A person sending a long mail but forgetting to write the address of
the person he sent the mail to.
* HEIGHT OF HEIGHTS: A person sending a mail to himself.
****************************************************
LALOO JOKES
-----------------------

Once Laloo was coming out of Airport.As there was huge rush the security guard told Laloo "WAIT
PLEASE" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs" and moved on...
----------
Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las Vegas..So he called up the
Tourist department and asked them "Ji..could you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las
Begas...".
The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo immediately replies "thank you" and
puts the phone down.
----------
Laloos family planning policy.."DONT HAVE MORE THAN TWO CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR"
----------
At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."
And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."
----------
After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to go modelling.Once he enters the herd of
buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo
appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS THE CAPTION !!
"Laloo, third from left!"
----------
Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar. The
Japanese Emissary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us
three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan."
Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated. "Give me three days and I
will turn Japan into the next Bihar!"
----------
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime, Laloo proudly shows off
the finished puzzle to a friend. "It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT," Laloo brags. "FIVE
MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG." the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL". Laloo replies. "SEE THIS NOTE, IT READS -"FOR 4-7YRS".
----------
Bill Clinton decided to 'teach' Laloo English, so he invited him over to the US. Laloo arrives in full
grandeur. Bill announces to the nation that they should not be disturbed during the tuition. Inside the
White house, they are locked up in a room, and Bill starts teaching Laloo English. Days pass by and
weeks pass by, but there is no sign of them coming out. The whole country and its economy has come
to a standstill, and press, newsreporters from all over the world are waiting outside eagerly to find the
outcome.
At last one day, the door opens, and out comes Laloo - beaming his resplendant white smile, looking
cool and unruffled. However, Bill looks totally dazed, his clothes are torn, his hair is completely
ruffled, and he has scratch marks all over his face.
The shocked reporters ask Bill, "What happened Mr. Clinton ?"
Bill replies : "Ee babua hamar kuch bhi naahi sunat hai !"
****************************************************
 74

"My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice
restaurant, a little wine, good food.....
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
----------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Some where I have never
been!" I told her, "How about the Kitchen?"
----------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
----------
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too
many gadgets, and no place
to sit down! So I bought her an electric chair.
----------
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" said the truck
driver .
----------
A husband said to his wife, "Your mother has been living with us for 5 years now. Isn't it time that she
got herself her own
apartment?" "My mother ?" said the shocked wife, "I thought she was your mother."
----------
A couple had three children. Two of them were bright, smart and handsome but the third child was
dull, ugly and backward.
One day the hubby got suspicious and asked, "Tell me the truth dear, is this third child really mine ?"
"Yes, dear," replied the wife, " but the other two are not."
----------
A veterinarian had had a really rough day at his office. When he finally got home from tending to all
the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after
which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 1:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice. "Yes, it
is", replied the vet,out of breath "Is this an emergency?" "Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's
cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and yell
that they are wanted on the phone" "Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?" "Should do,"
said the vet, " "IT JUST STOPPED ME!"
****************************************************
A man bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbour suggested that
he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It
tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The
neighbour suggested Jon notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his
ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbour suggested he
measure the horses for height. When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2
inches taller than the black.
****************************************************
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many
children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy," she answered.
"They're all named Leroy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'Leroy,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'Leroy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
****************************************************
Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.She is half discovered, half wild.
Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America, fully discovered and scientifically perfect.
Between the ages of 30 - 35 she is like India & Japan, very warm, wise and beautiful.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France. She is half destroyed after the war but still
desirable.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany. she lost the war but not the hope.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia, very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.
 75

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England, with a glorious past but no future.
****************************************************
1. A below par performance is considered good.
2. Can stop in the middle and down a couple of beers.
3. Much easier to find the sweet spot.
4. Foursomes are encouraged.
5. Can make money doing it as a senior.
6. 3 times a day is not unheard of.
7. Partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
8. If you move to Florida, you can do it every day.
9. Don't have to cuddle with your partner after you have finished.
10. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can always replace it.
****************************************************
Ryan rents an apartment in New York and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox.
While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a
robe. Ryan smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe
slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Ryan breaks out into a
sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says,
"Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her
robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best
feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Ryan stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out,
"Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're100%
natural! My buns - they're firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin - no blemishes, or
scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, Ryan stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming -
that was me."
****************************************************
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip
of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond
ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the
Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of
pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have
enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old
lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if shedidn't like the t-shirt, then she could go fuck herself.
****************************************************
Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies
----------------------------------------------
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any
time of year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to
the waist level on the man lying beside her.
The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the
job.
All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking
for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a
partner who is their polar opposite.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when
they are going to go off.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been
carrying any before now.
You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone
a picture of your sweetheart back home.
 76

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the
language - a German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will
be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries
to clean his wounds.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and
hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
The Chief of Police is always black.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door
and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing
underwear.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their
husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left
to right every few moments.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will
patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out
their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or
brain damage.
No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever
go into shock.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning
building with a child trapped inside.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that
it is aired.
****************************************************
How kids react to life's grave questions:

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??

"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time
loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy,8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!" (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a
second date." (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR,
'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody
sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!"
(Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
(Kenny, 7)
 77

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why
perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan,9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be
so painful." (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
(Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody
to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I
was five, but the girls keep finding
me." (Bobby, 8)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still
going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same
thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually
works for me." (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN
LOVE?
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the
food." (Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just
like how their hearts are...on fire." (Christine, 9)
****************************************************
Subject: Finals of Miss Universe Pageant

SETTING: Finals of Miss Universe Pageant, Question and Answer portion...

FINALISTS:
Ms. America
Ms. Spain
Ms. Britain
Ms. Philippines
Ms. Iran
Ms. India

QUESTION: Ms. America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. America: Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
QUESTION: How can you say so?
Ms. America: Because it stands every time it sees a woman.....

QUESTION: Ms. Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. Spain: Male organs in our country is like our very own bullfight or toro (bull).
QUESTION: How can you say so?
 78

Ms. Spain: Because it charges everytime it sees an opening.

QUESTION: Ms. Britain, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. Britain: Male organs in our country is like Shakespeare's Theatre.
QUESTION: Oh my! It's very big! How can you say so?
Ms. Britain: Because it cries after every performance.

QUESTION: Ms. Philippines, how do you describe a male organ in country?

Ms. Philippines: Well, opcors, I can say dat male organs in our country is like da gossips or else we
call it da "CHISMISS" in our language.
QUESTION: How can you say so?
Ms. Philippines: Because it passes from mouth to mouth.

QUESTION: Ms. Iran, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. Iran: Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.
QUESTION: How can you say so?
Ms. Iran: Because they always enter through the back door....

QUESTION: Ms. India, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. India: Well, I can say that male organ in India is like a labourer.
QUESTION: How can you say so?
Ms. India: Because it works day and night....
****************************************************
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said
her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he
stood up and said "My mom's a whore." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's
office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you
said in class?" Johnny said "Yes" "Well, what did the principal say?" "He said that every job is
important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number..."
****************************************************
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman
who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close of hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the owner of the bar?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard
and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a COUPLE OF
FINGERS INTO HIS MOUTH AND ALLOWING HIM TO SUCK THEM GENTLY.
"Tell him there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
****************************************************
An Indian and a Paki are driving thru farmlands when the Indian spies a goat with it's head stuck in a
fence. Seizing the opportunity, he stops the car, winks at his friend, gets out and proceeds to hump the
helpless goat. In a few minutes, the Indiane returns to the car and signals to the Paki, "your turn,
mate!" The Paki goes over to the fence, gets down on all fours, sticks his head through and pulls down
his pants
****************************************************
A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the
honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "Well,
darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But,
mother, as soon as we returned,
Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter
words... You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!" And the new bride
began to sob over the telephone. But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?" "I can't
tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!"
"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!" Still
sobbing, the bride said, "Mother....words like: DUST...WASH......IRON....COOK!
****************************************************
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling
ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
 79

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same
time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned
over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were
swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the
female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he
realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the
blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
****************************************************
Once a cruise ship carrying people from all the nations was going on a 'around the world' tour when it
got grounded. The ship became slow and finally came to a grinding halt.Captain of the ship called an
emergency meeting and told the passengers, " Friends, we are in trouble because of God's being angry
with us. We need to give sacrifice and I need three people to sacrifice their life so that rest of us can be
saved."
All of them moved towards the Deck where a japanese came forward and shouted "Long live japan"
and jumped into the sea.Then a Israeli jew stepped forward said "Hellulaja" and dived into the sea.
After that no one came forward for few seconds while people stared at each other and suddenly out of
nowhere a Sardarji came forward near the railing and chanted, " Jo bole-so-nihal, sat sri akaal, wahe
guruji da khalsa, wahe guruji di fateh, Jai maa Kali, Jai maa Durga, Jai Hanuman, jai Sri Ram, Jai
siva-sankar, Jai baba nanak di, Jai jawan jai kissan".................... and finally yelled at the top of his
voice,
"Bharat mata ki jai",
And Kicked the pakistani standing next to him in the sea.
****************************************************
A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the "upturn."
"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.
"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"
"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.
"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."
To which the girl replied:
"Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity....
What's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant.
****************************************************
Top 20 Replies by Programmers when their programs don't work:

20. "That's weird..."

19. "It's never done that before."
18. "It worked yesterday."
17. "How is that possible?"
16. "It must be a hardware problem."
15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
14. "There is something funky in your data."
13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12. "You must have the wrong version."
11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10. "I can't test everything!"
9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8. "It works, but it hasn't been tested."
7. "Somebody must have changed my code."
6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
4. "You can't use that version on your system."
3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"

And the Number One Reply by Programmers when their programs don't work:

1. "It works on my machine."

****************************************************
Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, " you think you
have family problems? " . Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown
up daughter and we got married. Later my father married my step daughter. That made my step
 80

daughter my step mother and my father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law of
her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my step mother, had a son. This boy was my half
brother beacause he was my father's son, but he was also son of my wife's daughter which made him
my wife's grandson.This made me the grand father of my half brother. This was nothing until my wife
and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother -in- law is also the grand mother. This makes my
father the brother-in-law of my child, whose step sister is my father's wife. I am my step mother's
brother-in -law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and i am my own grand
father and you think you have family problems! "
****************************************************
Instructions for Good Life:

1 Trust in God but lock your car.

2. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
3. Memorize your favorite poem.
4. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
5. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
6. Talk slowly but think quickly.
7. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
8. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
9. Read more books and watch less TV.
10. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
11. Learn the rules then break some.
****************************************************
What is the secret of your success?"
He said "two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."

"But how do you make right decisions?"

"One word." he responded.

"And, sir, What is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions"
****************************************************
A story is told about a soldier who was finally coming home after having fought in Vietnam. He
called his parents from San Francisco. "Mom and Dad, I'm coming home, but I've got a favor to ask. I
have a friend I'd like to bring with me." "Sure," they replied, "we'd love to meet him." "There's
something you should know," the son continued, "he was hurt pretty badly in the fighting. He stepped
on a land mine and lost an arm and a leg. He has nowhere else to go, and I want him to come live with
us."
"I'm sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him find somewhere to live."
"No, Mom and Dad, I want him to live with us."
"Son," said the father, "you don't know what you're asking. Someone with such a handicap would be a
terrible burden on us.
We have our own lives to live, and we can't let something like this interfere with our lives. I think you
should just come home and forget about this guy. He'll find a way to live on his own."
At that point, the son hung up the phone. The parents heard nothing more from him. A few days later,
however, they received a call from the San Francisco police. Their son had died after falling from a
building, they were told. The police believed it was suicide.
The grief-stricken parents flew to San Francisco and were taken to the city morgue to identify the body
of their son. They recognized him, but to their horror they also discovered something they didn't know.
Their son had only one arm and one leg.
The parents in this story are like many of us. We find it easy to love those who are good-looking or fun
to have around, but we don't like people who inconvenience us or make us feel uncomfortable. We
would rather stay away from people who aren't as healthy, beautiful, or smart as we are.
 81

Thankfully, there's someone who won't treat us that way. Someone who loves us with an unconditional
love that welcomes us into the forever family, regardless of how messed up we are.
Tonight, before you tuck yourself in for the night, say a little prayer that God will give you the
strength you need to accept people as they are, and to help us all be more understanding of those who
are different from us!!! There's a miracle called * Friendship- that dwells in the heart. You don't know
how it happens or when it gets started. But you now the special lift It always brings and you realize
that Friendship is one of God's most precious gifts!
Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend
an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends
how much you care....
Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND! If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a
friend for life.
****************************************************
1. The venom in a Daddy Longlegs spider is more poisonous than a Black Widow's or a Brown
Recluse, but they cannot bite humans because their jaws won't open wide enough.
2. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (one doesn't even want to know how they determined this)
3. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
4. Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous
spider?
5. If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4950. The heads
picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
6. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
7. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
8. Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
9. The pop you get when you crack your knuckles is actually a bubble of gas bursting.
10. 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents
who are present and don't die throughout the movie.
11. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
12. There's no Betty Rubble in Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.
13. It's impossible to get water out of a rimless tire.
14. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
15. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
16. In Minnesota it is illegal to cross state lines with a duck on your head.
17. In Indiana it is illegal to ride public transportation for at least 30 minutes after eating garlic.
18. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
20. Polar bears are left-handed.
21. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
22. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
23. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
24. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
25. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after
38 minutes.
27. A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear, refracting light making it look
white.
28. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood enemies.
29. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
30. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
31. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
32. Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
33. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
34. If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
35. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
36. The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English
language.
37. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
38. The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
39. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the
keyboard.
40. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the
rate of reproduction.
41. A snail can sleep for 3 years.
 82

42. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-
class.
43. China has more English speakers than the United States.
44. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
45. Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1,000 and a size 108.7 acres.
46. The longest town name in the world has 167 letters.
47. You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.
48. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
49. The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of
DNA.
50. No president of the United States was an only child.
51. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These
straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
52. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
****************************************************
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME:
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment,
support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle,
excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive,
sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show
equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore,
defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help,
acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote,
beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain,
calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole,
angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib,
salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence,
diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die,
swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep
on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead,
fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize,
worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME:

Show up naked.
Bring beer with you.
****************************************************
Perfect Day for a Woman
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
13:00 Shopping with friends.
15:00 Nap.
16:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
17:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
22:00 Hot shower. Alone.
22:30 Make love.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

Perfect Day for a Man

6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section of USA Today.
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
 83

7:30 Limo arrives.

7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Las Vegas
9:30 Limo to the Glitter Gulch.
9:45 Win big at the tables.
11:45 Lunch. All you can buffet and all you can drink margaritas.
12:15 Blowjob.
12:30 Win big at the tables
14:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
14:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
16:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249 lbs.
17:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Frederick's of Hollywood models
19:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Clinton acquitted.
19:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York strip.
21:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
22:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
23:45 Go to bed.
23:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
****************************************************
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you
know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines. "What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's
room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns.
"What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.
****************************************************
A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One
lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to hell." This led to
talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were
going to end up in hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said "I try to be good - I'm
sure I'll make it to Heaven." Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it." So, then they
noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said "You're such a
nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?" She says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy
me a ticket straight to hell!" They were shocked and asked why. "Well, you don't expect me to live in a
world without men, do you??!?"
****************************************************
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The
interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best
schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd
hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and
we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire
you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the
applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue
condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He
tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and
good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over ,the
country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you
explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking,
and asked for aspirin?"
****************************************************
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This apparently was a real memo sent at a
computer ompany to its employees in all seriousness... This memo is from an unnamed computer
company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo
was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate
or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before
 84

proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic
balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the
manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-
off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in
sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is
recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer
satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these
necessary items."
****************************************************
Quotes
------

* What is mind? Doesn't matter. What is matter ? Never mind.

* The cause of most marriage explosions is an old flame.
* Prevent hangovers.........Stay drunk.
* To some people reading a book is a "novel" experience.
* I used to think I was indecisive......... but now I am not sure.
*The masochist begs,"Hit me!!" ..the sadist smiles and says "I won't!!".
* Clothes do not make a man..but never take a chance..
* The average woman rather have beauty than brains,because the average man can SEE better than he
can THINK.
* Save water.......dilute it.
* A woman never forgets her age..... once she decides what it is.
* God! Give me patience...but please hurry up.
* I can resist anything but temptation.
* Even the best of friends can't attend each others funeral.
* A man owes his success to his first wife ....... and his second wife to his success.
* The chicken probably came before the egg,because it's hard to imagine God sitting on the egg.
* Celibacy is not heriditary.
* There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
* Always remember you are unique..........Just like everyone else.
* Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
* A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
****************************************************
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment, to get their parents to tell them a story with a
moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our
eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the
eggs went flying and broke and made a mess" "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. "Now you Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one
time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count
your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy.
Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob.
Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all
he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down
so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of
them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till
the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified
teacher, " What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking".
****************************************************
An interesting mail conversation with an agony-aunt columnist in USA.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Prudence,
As a young man approaching 30, I am confused about how I am supposed to react to women's
fashions. At a recent conference of professionals, we were seated around a U-shaped table--glass--with
no tablecloth. Several of these professional women across from me were wearing Ally McBeal skirts.
They spent the entire meeting pulling their skirts down so their lingerie preferences were not so
 85

obvious. Am I supposed to look at the ceiling the entire meeting, steal the occasional glance, or just
assume it's a '90s thing? Along these same lines, I was recently in a retail store and the clerk had on a
summer dress. As she leaned over the counter to hand me my purchase, it became clear that her
lingerie preference was none at all. I didn't know whether to stare at the ceiling, pretend I saw nothing,
or thank her for the free show. In both instances, these women had to know that everyone was getting
an eyeful. I missed the era of free love while in school and am wondering if we are now in the era of
free looks.
-Somewhat Dazed and Confused

Dear Some,
You have nicely named our new era. Fashion is deep into spandex and see-through, with the off-one-
shoulder style occasionally revealing a stray boob. Alas, the '90s motto, "Let it all hang out," has
moved from emotions to body parts. Clothing is meant to cover or reveal. The look-at-me outfits say
just that. As for your particular question about Ally McBeal skirts and ladies minus underwear, Prudie
feels these people do not purchase their clothes in the dark, so whatever is able to be seen is fair game
for whatever response feels natural. You may even stare if you like. Prudie gives you permission.
-Prudie, permissively
****************************************************
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question.
"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the
town that your bride is pure. "The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his
father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son,
all household appliances come in white."
****************************************************
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his
chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his
chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to
feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for
breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken,
so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you
kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning." Just about then, his father comes down for
breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother
with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or Should I?"
****************************************************
Are you a prostitute or a consultant?
1. You work very odd hours.
2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
3. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.
6. You are not proud of what you do.
7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
8. It's difficult to have a family.
9. You have no job satisfaction.
10. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends youto another client.
11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can'texplain it.
13. Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunionsyou attend.)
14. Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other
"professionals."
15. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
16. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
17. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.
18. Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.
19. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay
it's not your problem.
20. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your
appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
21. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
22. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
 86

23. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn,
expects miracles from you.
24. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantlywonder if you could get a
better deal with another pimp.
25. Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life."
****************************************************
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first.
"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But
eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.
How did you die?" says the second.
"I had a heart attack", says the first guy.
"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up
to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there.
I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and
just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.
"The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive!"
****************************************************
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day. They come to a busy
intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind
man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as
panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the
safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat
pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his
amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He
nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his
head is, so I can kick his ass."
****************************************************
When Lalloo completed 25 years of his rule over Bihar, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with
his picture on it. He so instructed Rabridevi, stressing that it should be of international quality. The
stamps were duly released, and Lalloo was pleased. But within a couple of days of release of the
stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and became furious. He
called Rabri and ordered her to investigate the matter. Rabri checked the matter out at several post
offices, and then reported on the problem to Lalloo Prasad. She said: " the stamp is really of
international quality. The problem is, everyone is spitting on the wrong side."
****************************************************
Why does sex give so much pleasure?
Because it is centrally located.
****************************************************
An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and wasgoing at it all night with her.
She kept screaming "Fujifoo,Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable...
The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to
impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the
right hole."
****************************************************
Software related Songs.
-----------------------

DO loop
Sau saal pehle, mujhe tumse pyaar tha
Aaj bhi hai, aur kal bhi rahega

IF THEN ELSE
Tum agar mujhko na chaaho to koi baat nahin
Magar kisi aur ko chaahogi to mushkil hogi.

RETURN statement
aa laut ke aaja mere meet tujhe mere geet bulaate hain
 87

PROCEDURE CALL
aaja re ab mera dil pukaara

MALLOC( )
Yaad kiya dilne kahan ho tum?

EXIT( ), suspend
Ruk jaa o jaane waali ruk jaa

FOR(;;), THE INFINITE LOOP

hum tum, yug yug se ye geet milan ke gaate rahe hain,
gaate rahenge hum tum...

[REMOTE LOGIN:]
tumse kuchh kehna hai, gar tum kuch kehne do

[ NETWORK BUSY ]
suno - kaho, kaha - suna, kucha huwa kya? abhee to nahin...

TWO RECURSIVE FUNCTIONS CALLING EACH OTHER

muze kuch kahana hein, muze bhee kuch kahena hein
pahle tum, pahle tum.....

EXTERNAL VARIABLE
hum hein rahee pyaar ke, humse kucha bhee na boliye
jo bhee pyar se mila hum usike ho liye

STATIC/LOCAL VARIABLE
Jeena yahaan, marna yahaan iske siwa jaana kahan
****************************************************
JOKES ON MEN (as if they were not jokes in themselves)

Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God to Man: "So you would love her."
"But God", Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies: "So she would love you."

Diamonds are a girl's best friends.

Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?

God created man before creating woman because you need a rough draft before creating a
masterpiece.

Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their
lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal breakdown
GUYnecology
HIMmorrhoids

What's the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?

E.T. phoned home.

How are men like noodles?

 88

They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why do men like BMWs?

They can spell it.

What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?

Men always miss them.

Why are men like popcorn?

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men like blenders?

You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?

Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 10,000 miles, whichever came first.

What is the difference between men and pigs?

Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
****************************************************
READ THIS NE TOILET POLICY CAREFULLY BECAUSE...

With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of
accounting for staff during working hours, thus ensuring effective time management and equal
treatment for all. In future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer linked voice
recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the sound of a person's voice.

Staff must therefore immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one in a normal tone and
one under stress/ desperation.

The following rules shall also apply:

1) On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued with 22 toilet trip credits which may
be accumulated.
2) Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for
the employee's voice until the first working day of the following month.
3)(a) In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper roll extractors. If the toilet is
occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound.
(b)Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and
the door will open automatically.
4) If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will
appear on the Toilet Offenders Board.
5) Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip credits.
6) Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counselling by a clinical
psychologist.
7) Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred
while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser, or trying to keep the toilet door from
opening.

We trust that you will co-operate fully with us, and suggest that if you have any problems with this
policy, you should make more use your own toilet facilities at home where you can sit to your hearts
content.

SIGNED
MANAGEMENT
****************************************************
One day, Hank complained to a friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His
friend said, "Don't do that. There is a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker
and cheaper than a doctor, Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your
 89

problem and tell you what you can do about it, and it only costs $10.00." Hank figured he had nothing
to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer he poured in the sample and deposited the ten bucks. The computer started
making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of
paper which read: You have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, It will be
better in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it
would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give
it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his
wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the ten bucks. The
machine again made the usual noise, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap
water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls.
They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
****************************************************
MARRIAGE VIEWS:
===============

"Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!"
-- Anonymous

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.

-- Voltaire

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in
her.
-- Agatha Christie

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
-- Oscar Wilde

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

-- Scottish Proverb

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes
unpunished.
-- Goethe

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

-- Sam Kinison

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
-- Anonymous

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
-- Anonymous

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.

-- Chekhov

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.
-- H. L. Mencken

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
-- H. L. Mencken
****************************************************
Hillary dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter. She notices that there are clocks
everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are there so many clocks here. St. Peter tells her that each clock
represents a person on earth and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off one-second. St.
Peter explains that the one clock has never moved because it belonged to mother Theresa and she
never told a lie her whole life. The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only told two
 90

lies his whole life, only two seconds had clicked. Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock?" St. Peter says,
"Bill's clock is upstairs in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
****************************************************
Once Laloo Yadav, Sonia Gandhi, a saint and a schoolboy were travelling by a private plane. Suddenly
the engine caught fire and the pilot came out shouting, "This plane is going to crash! And we have
only four parachutes and there are five of us in the plane. Since I am a very important Indian Airlines
pilot I am taking one parachute and getting out of here." Saying this he rushed to the luggage area
grabbed one parachute and jumped off the plane.
Sonia Gandhi said, "Since I am the future Prime Minister of India I am very important and have to
live!" She also grabbed a parachute and jumped. Laloo Yadav said, "I am the king-maker of this
country, the most honest politician of India and above all the most intelligent person living in this
country, and the most intelligent person must live!" Saying so Laloo went to the luggage area,
grabbed one and jumped off the plane.
The old saint said to the school boy, "There is only one parachute left, and there are two of us. I am an
old man and don't need to live any more. You take the last parachute and jump." The school boy said,
"Don't worry! There are still two parachutes left with us! The most intelligent person, Laloo Yadav,
jumped off the plane with my school bag!"
****************************************************
You're locked in a room with Saddam Hussien, Adolf Hitler, and a pakistani. You have a gun with two
bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the pakistani twice to make sure he's dead.

What's brown and black and looks great on a pakistani?

A Doberman.

How can you tell when a pakistani is lying?

His lips are moving.

What do you have when a pakistani is buried up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

Did you Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of pakistanis?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

How do you stop a Pakistani tank ?

Shoot the men who are pushing it.

How do you disable a Pakistani tank?

Hide the wind-up key.

How do you disable Pakistani missiles?

Cut the rubber band.

Pakistani Air Force officials have recently motioned for a name change for the PAF.
They want to call it the PMC, the Pakistani Mining Corps.
This is because their planes end up in the ground anyway.

Pakistani military researchers have recently ordered for the enlargement of the hatches on tanks and
other armoured vehicles.
This is so they can be more easily abandoned in enemy territory.

Have you ever seen Pakistani war heroes?

Neither has Pakistan.

Did you hear about the latest Pakistani invention?

It's a solar powered flashlight.

Did you hear about the other latest Pakistani invention?

The new automatic parachutes. They open on impact.

How do you sink a Pakistani battleship?

Put it in water.
 91

Did you hear about the 747 jet which crashed into a cemetery in Karachi?
The Pakistani officials have so far recovered 3000 bodies.

Did you hear about the Pakistani admiral who had asked to be buried at sea?
Five Pakistani sailors died digging his grave.

Did you hear about the other tragedy in Karachi ?

There was a terrible power cut in Karachi's Four Square Shopping Mall.
People were stuck on the escalator for four hours.

Did you hear about the Pakistani family that froze to death outside a theatre ?
They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the winter".

Did you hear about the Pakistani helicopter crash ?

The pilot felt cold, so he turned off the fan.

Why do Pakistani dogs have flat noses ?

They get it from chasing parked cars.

Did you hear about the Pakistani who studied diligently for five days ?
He was scheduled to take a urine test.

Did you hear about the shutdown of the Karachi National Library ?
Somebody stole the book.
****************************************************
So a Pakistani US citizen goes to the doctor because he just simply doesn't feel good. He's tired, his
stomach is upset, he has a headache. Just feels terrible. The doctor checks him over and can't find any
medical reason for him to feel the way he does. He offers a Naturotherepy approach that he has seen
work before. The Pakistani man is stunned, though, that the treatment means he has to go home, shit
and piss in a plastic bag and leave it in his basement for a week. "Trust me," the doctor says, "I have
seen this work."
The man goes home and follows through on the instructions. Within a day, though his house smells
terrible and by the end of the week, it is an overwhelming stench. His eyes water every time he walks
in the door, but he feels no better. He calls to yell at the doctor who calmly says, "Go down and take
three big deep breaths directly from the bag and you will be cured." "You're crazy!" comes the reply.
"Trust me." says the doctor. Down he goes into the basement and he takes the
first breath. Gagging and choking, he does it again. Then, on the third breath, he feels the headache
leave. His stomach settles and he feels amazingly well. The stench is even tolerable. He calls the
doctor to tell him the good news. "I told you I've seen this work with people from Pakistan before,"
says the doctor."You were just homesick!"
****************************************************
Zailsingh decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand every thing except for the LOGIC
part. One day when he was reading, Rajiv came home.
Rajiv: Jailsinghji How is your MBA preparation?
Zail : Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.
Rajiv: Logic is very easy.
Zail : Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.
Rajiv: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house ?
Zail : YES.
Rajiv: Logically ,there will be water in it.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv: Logically,ther will be fish in it.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv: Logically.someone will be feeding the fish.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv: so,Logically,your are married.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv: SO,that means U are a heterosexual.
Zail singh was very glad and he understood logic.
 92

Next day he sees Butasingh and he was also preparing for MBA.
Zail : How is your MBA preparation?
Buta : Everything is fine except for the logic.
Zail : Oh,logic is easy.
Buta : Please,give me an example.
Zail : Do you have a fish pot in your house?
Buta : NO, I don't.
Zail : Saala HOMO!!!
****************************************************

Comprehending Engineers-Take One

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The
doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here
comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead
of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play
for free anytime". The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say
a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't
these guys play at night?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Two

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his
company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him
regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar
machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In
desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of
the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine & proudly states,
"This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The
company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized
accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark...$1 Knowing where to put
it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Four

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering
degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human
body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an
electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said,
"Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational
area?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Six

An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new
motorcycle. "Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday,minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on
this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all of her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
****************************************************

LOVE, LUST & MARRIAGES:

-----------------------
 93

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.

LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love".

LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing".
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.

LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.

LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.

LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - When ... uh ... what's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi".

LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner

LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.

LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around.
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern as to what's on TV.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.

LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

LOVE-When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
LUST-When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
MARRIAGE-When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

LOVE-You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.

LUST-You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline.
MARRIAGE-You only leave the house when you're allowed.

****************************************************
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks.
 94

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a
Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says,
"I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a
Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him
from rolling out of bed."
****************************************************
One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his
superhero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action. "Hey Batman! Who's good in the
sack?"
"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best sex in comicland. Why don't you try
her?", replied Batman.
"I'd love to, but Wonderwoman and I are friends. So I don't really want to take advantage of her."
"Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a
building. He flew down. "Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor, who's
the best babe in comicland?"
"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonderwoman is far and away the best lay in comicland, why
don't you try her?"
"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much" and
he flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later he was flying over a field when he saw Wonderwoman lying naked, in the
middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air.
Superman was tempted. "Damn it!" he thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be
in and out of there before she even knows I'm here." So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in
and gone.
Wonderwoman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. "What the hell was that??" she
exclaimed.
"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my ass is killing me.
****************************************************
Three cricket fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by
the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk.. Out of respect and
propriety, the Sri Lankan team's fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Indian fan
took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Pakistani fan took off his
cap and placed it over her crotch..
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the
Sri Lankan cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Indian cap, replaced it,and
wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Pakistani cap, replaced it, then lifted it again,
replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time..
The Pakistani fan was getting upset and finally asked "What are you,a pervert or something? Why do
you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
"Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Pakistani hat, I find an
asshole."
****************************************************
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong
with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that he was going to make Adam a
companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you,
when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you
make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of
them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you
need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then
Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
****************************************************
 95

The best way for a man to remember his wife's birthday is to forget it just once.

Being a husband is like any other job. It helps a lot if you like the boss.

Marriage counselor to wife: "Maybe your problem is that you've been waking up grumpy in the
morning." "No, I always let him sleep."

The honeymoon is over when he no longer smiles gently as he scrapes the burnt toast.

It has been proven that married life is healthy. Statistics show that single people die sooner than
married folks. So, if you're looking for a long life and a slow death, get married.
****************************************************
Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbott: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbott: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbott: That's terrific, Lou
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbott: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbott: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbott: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbott: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you
turn it off.
Abbott: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbott: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbott: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbott: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbott: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbott: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbott: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbott: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbott: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End
button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbott: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbott: What are you talking about?
 96

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

****************************************************
TYPICAL MALE DECISION PROCESS

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He
gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a
total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several
new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping
to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and
some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on
him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the
stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the
remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him
so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman
had done with the money, and then he..... married the one with the largest breasts.
****************************************************
This guy decides to go Ice Fishing one day, so he gets his gear all ready and heads out onto the ice. He
sets up his little stool and begins drilling into the ice, looking for fish. As he is drilling, suddenly this
booming voice comes out of nowhere and cries, "THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!
STOP DRILLING!" The man looks up confused as to the source of the sound. There is NOBODY
around, and he figures it must be some kind of a joke, so he returns to his drilling. Again the voice
booms, "I SAID, THERE ARE NO FISH HERE. STOP DRILLING!" The guy looks up, wondering
who in the world is talking to him. He sees nobody and so, very confused, he continues to drill in the
ice. Agan, the voice comes and says, "THERE ARE _NO_ FISH HERE! STOP DRILLING!!!" The
man looks up and whispers, "God, is that you?" The voice returns, booming, "THIS IS THE RINK
MANAGER!!! STOP DRILLING!!!
****************************************************
A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find
a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term
relationships. "Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she
asked earnestly. "The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counseled the therapist. So the
woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow
standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out
to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a
$20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of
shoes that fit you."
****************************************************
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw,
but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to
get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the
ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees
(meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally,
the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to
jerk off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this
guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw." The other guy replied, "I know, I was
trying to tell you that I was coming."
****************************************************
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that
they were "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this
job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing
without an interpreter, which would give them enough time to get rid of him. Well, on his first week,
the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a
safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the
deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector
can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the
interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf man
replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't
know what you're talking about." The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector.
"Now ask him where da money is!" The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man
 97

replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he
still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the courage to pull the trigger."
****************************************************
A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside
him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back and ran
down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story. Was it a large red cow with a brown
spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. Yes, yes," the man replied. "Oh! I wouldn't listen to
Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."
****************************************************

Comments individuals wrote down on their claim forms as reasons for their auto accidents.
========================
I misjudged a lady crossing the street.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

I collided with a stationary streetcar coming the opposite direction.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I heard a horn blow and was struck in the back - a lady was evidently trying to pass me.

I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

The truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joints gave way, causing me
to have an accident.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

The telephone was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front
end.
****************************************************
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the
difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the
father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he
said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up
numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably
very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...."
The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.
 98

"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no
Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what
exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!" the father
calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
****************************************************
ONE LINERS:

Sign on the tomb of an atheist:

HERE LIES AN ATHEIST ALL DRESSED UP AND NO PLACE TO GO.

"Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?"

CONSULTATION: A medical term meaning "share the wealth."

"I've got an idea."

"Be kind to it. It's a long way from home."

A business man who was near death asked that his remains be cremated and the ashes sent to the IRS
with the following note attached: "Now You Have It All."

Children would all be brought up perfectly if families would just swap kids. Everyone knows what
ought to be done with the neighbor's kids.

Son: Why do the ladies always bring their knitting when they come to visit?
Father: So they will have something to think about while they talk.
****************************************************
An Army base staff that was planning war games did not want to use live ammunition. Instead they
informed the men: "In place of rifle, you go 'Bang, bang.' In place of a knife, you go 'Stab, stab.' In
place of a hand grenade, you go 'Lob, lob.'" The game was in progress when one of the soldiers saw
one of the enemy. He went "Bang, bang," but nothing happened. He ran orward and went "Stab, stab,"
but nothing happened. He ran walked up to the enemy and said, "You are not playing fair. I went
'Bang, bang,' and 'Stab, stab,' and, 'Lob, lob,' and you haven't fallen dead yet!" The enemy responded,
"Rumble, rumble. I'm a tank."
****************************************************
Do you know why SACHIN TENDULKAR has married a girl which was 5 years older than him?
because great batsmen always like to play with loose balls.
****************************************************
Ever wonder what sort of people gets married or gets promoted?? Here's the answer :

Smart man + smart woman = romance.

Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy.
Dumb man + smart woman = affair.
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage.
Smart boss + smart employee = profit.
Smart boss + dumb employee = production.
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion.
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime.

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
 99

Any married man should forget his mistakes; there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -

before marriage and after marriage.
****************************************************

If you relate to most of these statements, your ancestors are probably from India.
****************************************************==
1. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially
those bows) next year.
2. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the
bedroom of an adult child who
has moved out.
3. You have a vinyl table clothe on your kitchen table.
4. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
5. You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.
6. You don't own any real Tupperware -- only a cupboard full of used, but carefully rinsed, margarine
tubs, takeout containers,
and jam jars.
7. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than
15 minutes).
8. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.
9. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
10. You majored in engineering, medicine or law.
11. You live with your parents and you are 30 years old. (And they prefer it that way). If you're
married and 30 years old, you live in the apartment next door to your parents, or at least in the same
neighborhood.
12. You don't use measuring cups.
13. You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax.
14. Your parents' house is always cold.
15. You reuse teabags.
16. You have a drawer full of old pens, most of which don't write anymore.
17. You only make long distance calls after 11p.m.
18. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
19. Your parents never go to the movies.
20. You call an older person you never met before "uncle."
21. The first thing uncle asks you is "where are your parents from?"
22. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover you're talking to a
distant cousin.
23. No one you're related to is a music major.
24. You avoid motels, especially if there is an acquaintance within a 250-mile radius of your
destination.
24a. You sleep on their floor.
25. Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two
decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs.
26. When our fathers get together, no matter what the topic is, each man is an expert, especially after
the customary 8 glasses of
scotch, each stronger than the one before.
27. You drive 2 hours and spend a whole day to get a complementary cutlery set for listening to a sales
pitch on vacation timeshares.
28. You have bedsheets on your sofas.
29. When dining out, your parents think $1 is enough of a tip.
30. You know someone who owns a motel or a convenience store.
 100

31. It's embarrassing if your wedding has less than 600 people.
32. You list your daughter as "fair and slim" in the matrimonials no matter what she looks like.
33. You've seen the ground while inside the lavatory of a train.
34. All your Tupperware is stained with food color.
35. You have drinking glasses made of steel, the rim of which can cut your mouth if you're not careful.
36. You have a plastic rug-runner going down your hallway at home.
37. There's a pungent odor of spices as one enters your home.
38. You pack a suitcase full of toilet paper when visiting India.
39. When visiting relatives you have a 6 cups of "chai" a day, each of which is so hot that it scalds
your tongue (usually you
have just finished eating something so hot that your mouth is ON fire, and all you have to drink is the
lava like "chai").
40. When u come back from India, your suitcase is packed w/ banana chips, pickle, and all kinds of
other Indian foods+spices.
41. You would rather row across the ocean than fly Air India.
****************************************************
Saddam Hussain approached God and asked him "When will peace return to my country ?"
God answered "You can never see peace in your country during your life time" Saddam wept bitterly
and walked away.
Nawaz Sharif approached God "When can I see a united Pakistan (with Kashmir) ?" God said "You
can never annex Kashmir during your life time"
Sharif wept bitterly and walked away.
Next our Laloo Prasad Yadav approached God "When will Bihar become a civilized state ?" God
wept bitterly and said "I can never see that happening even during MY life time"
****************************************************
Once upon a time one sardarji was in confarance with amarican, uropion, pakistani. Amarican was
saying that we have the kind of missiele that can fire automatic, pakistani says we have pathani people
they have discover a bomb that can distroy your country within no time, uropien says we have the kind
of technology by that 80 years old man can be a boy of 15, Sardarji suddenly get up and start
masterbetting, every body ask him what he is doing? he cooly replied I am fucking my wife in
ludhiyana by indian sattelite.
****************************************************
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on
that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in
front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
****************************************************
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going
to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me
feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
****************************************************
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the
bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!".
So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?".
The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK,
you've got it.".
Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last
wish is a million dollars!".
The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all
night with me."
"OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?"
"I'm 27", she replies.
"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
****************************************************
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she
stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her.
He says, "Put those on."
 101

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
****************************************************
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
****************************************************
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to
have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back
the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was
on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So,
I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing.
Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor:
Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid
off of the specimen cup.
****************************************************
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse
and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm
samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"
She looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
****************************************************
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and
say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many
people for every penny you've got.
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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how
stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and
asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex
with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies -
thats why I am here!"
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This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your
finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.
"Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when
she says, "Put your whole hand in!".
The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands
inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I
can't", says the guy.
The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".
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A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my
master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!".
The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter."
The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push
ups until you throw up!"
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 102

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells
the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this
possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a
gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he
wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do
was...oh, do I miss him!"
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On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the
bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married
now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh,
oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks,
"My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever". She
smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing
his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man
opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and
she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
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