Habiba Elbaramawi

Professor Ryan Meyers

English Composition

24 March 2019

I Can’t Breathe When You Love Me

The concept of love is, at often times, an appealing one. It’s because of just that that it’s

the center of so many stories and movies. The idea of unexpected-- and seemingly unreasonable-

- passion taking the root of one’s life and drastically turning its course is a concept that many

would subconsciously hope to be implemented in their own lives. Furthermore, we strive to

unintentionally do just that, we strive to form unreasonable connections with the other sex,

connections that we may later wish we’d never formed. Most of us blame these failed attempts

on fate not taking our side, but what if we’d had a choice and it was to harm ourselves? What if

the majority of the human population wanted to see love as a dramatic phenomena that turned

our lives upside down rather than providing you with someone you’d later dedicate your life to?

What if we prefer love making a significant, memorable entry into our lives, rather than a

positive one? It’s become my belief that most individuals choose to be with people that they

subconsciously know to be odd choice for them because they view their “taming” of that person

as fulfilling an unprecedented challenge.

Before getting into anything, it’s important to point out the difference between the words

“wrong” and “opposite”. It’s often that we see relationships between two people that are polar

opposites and choose to view it as a “wrong” relationship. The reasons for this are simple, but
don’t make the occurrence any less common. When we see partners with opposite personalities,

we’re quick to unintentionally assume that the concept of oppositeness is unanimous in all

aspects of their relationships. We assume that they must have opposite priorities and contrasting

values, when that is very rarely the case. The idea is that people with opposite personalities

complete each other, not, for example, in one being inconsiderate and the other being thoughtful,

but in one being confident and the other being shy (which may lead the latter to become bolder).

With that in mind, my claim is that couples with opposite personalities, a relationship that may

seem hard or even impossible at first, are ones more likely to have lasting chemistry.

The claims in this research are the brainchild of John G. Kappas, a hypnotherapist and

founder of Hypnosis Motivation Institute. Before getting to his findings and theories, which are

the basis of this research’s claims, several cousins to the idea must be discussed. The idea that

attraction is deliberate and not at all a coincidence is not unique to Kappas. The concepts of

Sapiosexuality and Demisexuality are close associates with his theory, with slight changes.

First coming into the light of popularity in 2010, Sapiosexuality offers an entirely new

insight on the phrase “beauty isn’t skin-deep”. Sapiosexuals are people that are literally

experience sexual attraction to intelligence, in other words people whose attraction is all too

deliberate and aimed at those of intellect. They and their close cousin, demisexuals, are living

proof that sexual attraction, chemistry, and eventually love are first put into gear by our minds.

In contrast to Sapiosexuals, Demisexuals are attracted to a strong emotional connection, what

may be referred to as “love at first sight” or “chemistry”.

 First proposed by 1992 by John Kappas, his theories are only coming into light now and

being applied in everyday relationships. His proposal is simple, that there are two types of people

in this world, two types of “sexual personality”: an “Emotional Sexual Personality” and a

“Physical Sexual Personality”. These individuals differ on almost everything, from everyday

lifestyle to priorities, however not the values and morals, because upbringing and environment

are usually the sole cause of their existence-- or lack thereof--of those. He proposes that

chemistry is at its strongest between two people of opposite sexual personalities, simply because

they complete each other.

The most important part of the sexual personality is the period before it’s even formed.

According to Sigmund Freud, that’s the first five to six years of anyone’s life, their formative

years, when their character is formed. According to Freud and Kappas, these years have the

biggest impact on the whole person’s future, because they have the potential to turn him into a

narcissist or codependent, and, according to Kappas, the power to turn any person into an

“Emotional” or a “Physical”, therefore deciding what personality type they’d be happiest to be in

a relationship with. Anyone’s personality type is greatly influenced by their father (or father

figure) even more than it is by their mother, because up until recently the father was usually the

secondary caretaker in most households. The idea is that a child usually expects to captivate their

mother’s (or the primary caretaker’s) attention constantly. They’re still powerless, so she’s in

charge of keeping them safe and fed and therefore they would immediately view any pause of

the supposedly unstoppable attention towards them as a threat. It’s because of this that if and

when there’s a secondary caretaker in the picture, they may keep close observation of where the

primary caretaker’s paying her attention. If she ignored the child’s existence for even a second
for the sake of the secondary caretaker (usually the father), the child’s meager understanding

reasons that if she carried on ignoring him he’d die of hunger and neglect. Therefore, slowly, the

child would start adjusting his personality to match the father, reasoning that if he did this, she’d

come back to him and his dad (even though the child loves him) would have to fend for himself.

Essentially he’s unintentionally trying to enter a (nonexistent) competition and the reward is his

mother’s uninterrupted care and affection. Keeping that in mind, it’s important to pay attention to

the personality type of these contrasting sexual personalities, because it’s the differences that

usually make them so well- suited for each other.

During their upbringing, Physicals witnessed their fathers displaying all kinds of physical

affection, hugging, kissing, etc. and verbal displays of affection were never out of question

either. This being the world they grew up in, they simply refuse to imagine a world where people

don’t express their emotions verbally and physically or a world where they themselves cannot do

so. With their worlds revolving around affection, they have a deep dedication to relationships, a

dedication that sometimes leads to exaggerated idealism. This can often lead to staggering

disappointment when they slowly arrive to the conclusion that not everyone feels as sincerely

towards the relationship as they do. However, instead of backing down and trying to see the

world through a more neutral lense, they can try to fix things with their original understanding of

the world in mind. In the case of relationships, they are often the ones to make the first move,

asking the other person out, or expressing their attraction to them. While it may seem to be the

exact opposite, Physicals are less self confident and much more vulnerable than Emotionals.

Therefore, they reason that attracting attention to their body would keep people away from their

emotions, and may exhibit their body a lot more frequently and indulge in flashy attire.
 It’s not just in the area of wardrobe that Physicals choose to bring attention to themselves.

For example, when buying a car, they’re most likely to consider how they’d look driving the car

before thinking of cost of upkeep or trade-in value. A Physical is the definition of extrovert,

asserting themselves in conversations when it comes to parties or social gatherings. They’re

constantly making eye contact with the audience and subtly demanding the attention of anyone

near their orbit. And since the basis of vulnerability is fear of neglect or not being accepted,

Physicals often unintentionally scan the audience’s faces for signs of awe or acceptance and

dread finding an expression nearing on indifference.

Unlike Emotionals, Physicals usually imply rather than state. They rely on the audience

to understand what they really mean, they’re the sexual personality that’s more likely to rely on

subtlety than be blunt and speak the whole truth. Fearing rejection the way they do, they try to go

for the softer approach if they’re trying to get a controversial point across, hoping that they don’t

come off sounding harsh or arrogant, therefore losing the possibility of acceptance from the

audience.In contrast, when they are the listening party, they listen literally, never suspecting a

hidden meaning behind the words. This is because most Physicals were brought up by Emotional

mothers, and the Emotional sexual personality is known for having a no-sugar coating tolerance.

As Physicals grew up, they realized that what their mothers said they meant, with no hidden

meanings. Craving a social life and constant attention and the being natural risk takers that they

are, Physicals thrive in jobs like public speaking, modeling, advertising, acting, or real estate.
 Emotionals, on the other hand, are miles different. Brought up by Physicals mothers

(usually) and Emotional fathers (always), they learned to relate to the world from a mental aspect

and naturally became emotionally reserved. From an early age, they witnessed the Emotional

father successful in his attempts to wait until the mother displayed affection first and learned to

do the same. Emotionals are more likely to feel more than they let on, as they avoid taking the

risk of displaying their affection until after they’ve confirmed to themselves that these emotions

are 100% real. While Physicals may act quickly and decide on monumental decisions quickly,

Emotionals take their time and feel uncomfortable making a decision if they haven’t a reasonable

amount of time (that may seem like an eternity to a Physical) to think a decision through. They

don’t feel the urge to express physical affection or the need to receive it like a Physical. Unlike

Physicals, Emotionals usually speak straightforwardly, not giving a thought to how they may

come across since their fear of rejection isn’t nearly as strong as that of a Physical, In fact, they

may even come across as blunt or borderline rude (even though it wasn’t at all their intention to

be this way or be seen this way). In social gatherings or parties, they’re quick to avoid the

spotlight and usually prefer one-on-one conversations and generally bore from small talk and can

never do it well. Because Emotionals almost always prefer solitary work they make great

accountants, medical researchers, engineers, managers, or business owners.

After all that’s been said, it would be only too obvious that an Emotional male with a

Physical female (or vice versa) would be a disaster occasion, and at first glance that would seem

a reasonable prediction. However, an attention to detail is needed to appreciate the beauty that a

unity between a Physical and Emotional could cause. For example, Emotionals are individuals

that are slow by nature, they take time processing the choices at hand and even more time
coming to a decision. Physicals are individuals who have no problem jumping to conclusions and

taking risks that may horrify an Emotional. Together these two extremes may pull the other

towards themself. Over time, a Physical may learn to take more time processing a decision and

weighing all his consequences, while an Emotional may learn to speed things up a little.

Obviously, extreme Emotionals or Physicals are very rare, but it is true that both sexual

personalities are prone to being either too slow or too fast compared to their partner.

The notion that these polar opposites may work together, while truthful, has no influence

on whether or not the attraction takes place. Regardless of logic, a Physical and Emotional

coming in contact with one another may prove to be a memorable incident. To an Emotional, the

extrovert personality that the Physical displays is incredibly attractive. To an Emotional it stirs

awe, because the idea of someone always having something interesting to say and having the

energy to socialize with everyone in the room while actually enjoying it is astonishing to an

Emotional, who is by nature, an introvert. Meanwhile, to a Physical, the laid back, sophisticated

vibe that the Emotional unintentionally gives off is intriguing. They find it amazing that someone

can be so self-confident that they don’t need to socialize to prove to themselves that they are

accepted and awed upon. The Emotional’s silent, mysterious, broody vibe gives off that “hard to

get” aura, which tempts the Physical to make a move, an action that the Emotional automatically

associates with confidence. Really, it’s a cycle, fueled by the contrasting personalities of both

individuals.

The initial attraction ignites eye contact, which ignites initial conversation which may

give rise to the “honeymoon phase”, or in slightly more cynical terms, the Era of Deception. To
the Physical, the Emotional sexual personality has always been appealing, much more attractive

than his own, and to the Emotional, the daring impulsivity of is something they’ve always find

attractive. Unintentionally, both individuals try to become the personality that they find

appealing, the Emotional embracing the all too false facade of the Physical’s daring, exciting

personality while the Physical slips on the mask of a more reserved, aloof individual. Evidently,

both sides of the equation are preoccupied with the true colors of the other (the attempts to

embrace a different personality for the sake of pleasing the other partner go by unnoticed).

Human nature will always be associated with recognising the negative as soon as they’ve

successfully appreciated the positive for long enough, and this particularly applies to the

Emotional-Physical scenario. As the couple steps out of the Era of Deception (the so-called

honeymoon stage), it becomes increasingly evident to both sides that what they saw is not quite

what they got. With each individual gradually slowing down the amplification of their positive

aspects, their negative aspects start making a steady appearance. Soon the Emotional that the

Physical once assumed was broody and mysterious and had a lot to say but was too laid back to

say any of it shows his true colors. Instead of seeming so intriguing, the Physical may then

realize that it wasn’t the self confidence that kept the Emotional from social interaction, it was

the lack of anything interesting to contribute to the conversation. As for the Emotional, they may

start seeing the Physical in a completely different light. The self- confident individual that they

once assumed was daring and impulsiveness and dependent may start seeming clingy and

insecure. The constant display of affection may now seem intrusive or just annoying.

It isn’t just this sudden and ugly reality that causes each individual to take a step back.

It’s also the sudden realization that their priorities are miles apart. The Emotional female or male
is and has always been a thinker. They prefer to relate to all aspects of their lives by relying on

their minds. However, love and relationships in general violate this methodical approach. To an

Emotional, a relationship is the investment of emotions that he doesn’t have much time or energy

for anymore. The honeymoon stage has passed, and to him or her that means it’s time to

acknowledge reality again, meaning a career or studying. They may even start regretting all the

time they spent with their partner, distracted from their other important tasks. They reason that

since they overdosed a little in relationships in all their mushy glamour, it’s time to tip the scale

to the side of their career a little.

This may lead to an interruption of the attention they’d previously showered their

Physical partner with, which the Physical doesn’t pretend not to notice. They may question their

Emotional partner’s affection and start being even clingier in attempt to win them back, when in

fact the Emotional may not have lost any love for the Physical. It’s just that now the Emotional

has been pulled back into their reality and that has always starred career and responsibilities first.

The fact that the Emotional is still there is evidence to them that they still love their partner.

However, the Physical now require constant consolation and reassurance of love, this need

fueled by the slowing wheel of affection that they aren’t used to.

When treated correctly, the couple can surpass this problem and continue benefiting from

their contrasting personalities, and contrary to common belief, this is possible.

The key to cracking the dilemma that reality enforced is to keep in mind that no one is

100% Physical or Emotional. The people known to be Physically Sexual or Emotionally Sexual
are referred to as such simply because that sexual personality is the dominant one in their

psychological make-up. Put simply, the application of one’s secondary sexual personality, which

is the opposite of their dominant one, would help them put themselves in their partner’s shoes.

From there, empathy can help pave the road to a relationship in which both individuals can

benefit from the other, maintain the chemistry while foregoing the deception, and

understanding/accepting the partner’s needs and priorities. Regardless of the dilemma that is the

victim of the deceptive honeymoon stage, it’s clear that these opposites attract and maintain

chemistry mainly because of their contrasting personalities, personalities that help them explore

the hidden part of their personality.

Works Cited:

Bloom, Linda, and Charlie Bloom. “The Real Reason That Opposites Attract.” Psychology

Today, Sussex Publishers, 2 Jan. 2014, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stronger-the-broken-

places/201401/the-real-reason-opposites-attract.

“Demisexuality Resource Center.” Resources for Demisexuals, Partners, and Allies,

DemiSexuality Resource Center, 2015, demisexuality.org/articles/what-is-demisexuality/.

Kappas, John. Relationship Strategies: The E and P Attraction . Panaroma Publishing Company ,

1992.

Life is an Art Form “The Art of Relationship – Emotional & Physical Sexuality.” Life Is an Art

Form, WordPress, 21 Aug. 2011, www.lifeisanartform.com/2011/reviews/the-art-of-relationship-

emotional-physical-sexuality/.

Raab, Diana. “Sapiosexuality: What Attracts You to a Sexual Partner?” Psychology Today,

Sussex Publishers, 26 Aug. 2014, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empowerment-

diary/201408/sapiosexuality-what-attracts-you-sexual-partner.

Rosenberg, Ross. The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us. PESI

Publishing, 2013.

Young, Larry, and Brian Alexander. The Chemistry between Us: Love, Sex, and the Science of

Attraction. Current, 2012.