‘Waiter From Hell ‘Someone else cooked for you & cleaned up after you. All you need had to do was chew, wl 1 was a relaxing experience? Remember when eating out s Taboratory rat that has to struggle through a maze each time it wants a chunk of cheese. swallow & pay. No longer; though. Tody you fee like "Good evening," the head waiter said “Table for four?” "Yes thank you" "Smoking or non?” “Non-smoking.” ‘Would you prefer to dine indoors oF outdoors this evening?” “1 guess indoors would be good.” "Very well sir” he said. "Would you like to "Uh, let me So€. ton” Tcan give you table witha lovely view in our lovely solarium.” “think the solarium would be lovely," I said, We followed him there. “Now would you prefer a view overlooking the golf cours, the sunset onthe lake or the majestic mountains in the west?” "Whatever you recommend," I said. Let him make a decision for a change, 1 thought. He satu by a window facing the golf course, the lake or the mountains. I couldn't tell which because it was dark outside, ‘Then a young man bater dressed & biter looking than any of ws presented himself at our table. "Good evening, my name is Paul & Ill be your ‘waiter this evening. Would you like a few minutes before I take your order?" "No", 1 said “Iam just a meat & potatoes guy, so I'l have the steak & a baked potato.” "Soup or salad?” “Salad” "We have mixed green salad, okay?” "Whatever you say?” “Dressing?” 1 didn’t want to make another decision. “Whatever you've got willbe fine.” "We have creamy Italian, Blue cheese, Vinaigrette, Thousand Island, Honey Dijon Ranch ——-" “Just bring me one. Surprise me" "Creamy Italian i our house specialty. Would that be alright, sir"? "Yeah." I was curt. Enough of civility. “And your baked potato 1 knew what was coming next. "I just want the potatoes dry, do you understand? I dort want anything om it.” "No butter?” “No” “No sour cream?” “"No! Don't you understand English?" I shouted “I don't want anything on it Just bring me a baked potato & a steak.” "Would you prefer the small, medium or large steak Whatever” ‘Would you like that rare, medium rare, medium wel or well done? Or if you prefer, we can--——" ‘Pauly boy." interrupted, "You are really starting to get me steamed,” "Which brings up the vegetables, st. Would you like steamed broccoli, creamed com, sautéed zucchini, diced carrots-—-? ‘That didi. [threw my napkin tothe floor, stood up & looked him in his arrogant eyes & sai “How'd you like to settle this outside.” Fine with me, sit. Would you prefer the carpark, the side alley othe road in front ofthe restaurant?" "I prefer right here" suid, and punched him hard. “He ducked, and then countered with a left hook right under my eye. It was the first ime all night he hadnt offered me a selection. I collapsed semi-conscious into my chai, as someone in authority berated Pauly. ___ [felt my tie being loosened, my collar unbuttoned, hands slapping my face. When I regained my senses I saw the very concemed head waiter Fight infront of my nose. He apologized & offered to buy me «drink, called the paramedics-—whatever I wanted. "No, no" sid," be alright Just bring me a glass of water” "Yessir, right away,” he said, "Would you prefer imported mineral water sparkling water, or club soda with a wedge of lime?" te seated in the main dining room, the enclosed patio or our lovely solarium?”