PAUL APREDA - NATIONAL MANAGER

Born and raised in Cardiff, South Wales Paul has an

MA from Cambridge and an MBA from the University of South Wales and spent
many years working in the broadcast TV industry.

In 2010 Paul helped establish FNF Both Parents Matter Cymru – a registered
charity supporting parents and grandparents with child contact problems. The
charity runs a Helpline and 11 face to face monthly support meetings helping
around 1500 service users a year (around 70% of whom are men).

Paul has just set up a Cross Party group in the Welsh Assembly on Fathers and
fatherhood of which he is secretary.

THE STATE’S WAR ON DADS

INTRODUCTION

SLIDE 1 – TITLE SLIDE

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen
SLIDE 2 - TRENCHES WW1
A hundred years ago this week my forbears in the 38th Welsh
division took part in the Battle of Mametz Wood on the
Somme.
SLIDE 3 – TRENCHES
They were brave men – facing impossible odds.
More than 4000 men died in that single battle
SLIDE 4 – CARRRYING THE WOUNDED
That’s the same number that took their own lives in the UK
and Ireland in 2014. We don’t know how many of those men
were dads who killed themselves because they could no
longer see their children?
SLIDE 3 – charity logo
WHAT WE DO
As Mike has just mentioned I run a small charity in Wales –
FNF Both Parents Matter Cymru. We used to be simply
Families Need Fathers Cymru but that caused us a problem.
Welsh politicians would say to me ‘Families Need Fathers?
That’s a bit gender exclusive isn’t it? Have you thought about
changing your name?’
I’m a pragmatist. If changing our name would make it easier
for us to achieve our goals then we should think about that.
We also see a large number of women – grandmothers, new
partners and many mums who are not the main carers for
their children. Just over 30% of those who approach us for
help are women.
While we were struggling with the decision about the name
of the charity I went to see one Member of the Welsh
Assembly with a dad we were helping.
SLIDE 4 ‘ROSIE THE RIVETER’
He spoke about the problems he was encountering with
Cafcass Cymru and then introduced me. I got as far as my
name and the name of our charity before I was stopped
‘Families Need Fathers – Fathers for Justice – you’re all the
same.
SLIDE 5 – VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN
You need to understand that 5 or 6 women a year are killed by
their partner or ex-partner in Wales and that more than
outweighs a handful of dads who don’t get to see their kids –
meeting over’. That Assembly Member was chair of the
Children’s Committee at the time.
One of the reasons why Mike said he wanted me to talk at the
conference was because I run a front line agency –
SLIDE 6 – FRONT LINE TRENCHES
and sometimes it really does feel like we’re on the frontline
in the War against Dads.
At our support meetings we try to give people a better
understanding of the situation they find themselves in.
SLIDE 7 – TREATMENT STATION
Having a safe space where parents and grandparents can talk
about their experiences and feelings is really valuable. When
they contact us through our Helpline or come to our meetings
they are often really traumatised
SLIDE 8 – SHELL SHOCK 2
They tell us about ways that parenting support, children’s
services, the Police or the Family Courts have treated them
unfairly. It’s as though they’re suffering from ‘shell shock’.
SLIDE 8 – SHELL SHOCK 1
The horrors of life on the front line in the War on Dads has
taken its toll on their mental health and resilience.
These brave dads often speak about injustice –
SLIDE – BLIND JUSTICE
how social workers lie, write deeply flawed reports and
support the primary carer in every thing they do and say.
How the Police respond differently to male and female
callers reporting Domestic Violence. How the Courts are
biased against men.
SLIDE 10 – CHARITY LOGO – CASE STUDY – THE FAMILY
COURTS – SCALES OF JUSTICE
I dealt with a case recently where mum alleged DV against
dad. She told him that she didn’t love him anymore and
wanted him to move out. He committed the ultimate atrocity
- he refused. That wasn’t just a moment of madness on his
part. He was told to get out by his children’s social worker.
She said he needed to think about what was best for the
children. Social Services were involved because one of his
kids had been involved in a near fatal road traffic accident
while walking home from school with the mum. After the
accident dad got a new job working as a cleaner in the
University from 5am to 8.30 every day, so he could spend all
his time at the hospital with his son helping him on the slow
road to recovery. After 10 months in hospital his son came
home.
We told dad – sit tight and don’t leave the house. Eventually
mum made the first move and went to live with her aunt
taking the 3 children and saying that dad would never see
them again. We got the case into Court. Dad’s months of
dedication at his disabled son’s bedside didn’t matter a jot.
Social Services confirmed that mum was a victim of verbal
domestic abuse. The Court ordered that dads contact with his
three children would be ‘as agreed between the parents’. I
love orders like that!! If they could agree on contact why
were they in Court in the first place! The District Judge then
took it upon itself to make an Occupation Order despite the
fact that mum hadn’t applied for that – and gave dad 2 days to
get out or he’d be arrested. Dad now lives in a YMCA hostel
and sees the kids only when it suits mum.
So, is it fair? SLIDE 11 – IS THERE REALLY A WAR ON DADS?
One of the key aspects of our work in Wales is research.
SLIDE 12 – SHANE WILLIAMS We’ve run an annual Welsh
Dads survey for the past 2 years which we publish in the
week leading up to Fathers Day.
The surveys ask about dads experience of engaging with
public services in Wales. Only 16% of those who completed
the 2016 survey identified as Non Resident Fathers. 9% were
the primary or sole carers for their children.
A consistent theme emerged – even from those who reported
positive experiences
SLIDE
Being a dad is one of the best things that has happened to me.
A lot of stuff is instinctive - being reinforced by professionals
giving advice. He is a model child. However no services have
asked about my experience of being a dad. I feel excluded
because I work most of the day. Health is very 'Mum' oriented.
Midwives have been to house - talked to mum and ignored me
as a dad.
We did another research project looking at the extent to
which services successfully engaged with fathers.
Unbelievably (it says here) Welsh Government confirmed
that they did not have any data about the success of
parenting support services at engaging with dads. Even more
surprisingly they said that they did not require services they
fund to record the gender of parents they support or engage
with. Our survey showed that from 32 responses covering
169,000 service users the average level of engagement with
fathers was between 3 and 11%
SLIDE – Mapping Survey – 3 – 11% figure
In Early Years the figure was even lower than that – with one
service recording 181 mothers and only one father in the 12
month period on which they reported.
So, armed with my research I went to see Welsh Government.
I made one recommendation. Services funded by Welsh
Government should RECORD the gender of parents accessing
their help. The Head of Family Support looked me in the eye
and said ‘No, that would be too difficult.’ So I challenged that.
Her boss wrote to me to confirm the position. I raised it
through the Welsh Assembly – one of our Trustees was the
Shadow Minister for Communities and Housing. I had
another Assembly member ask the Minister in Committee
about the lack of engagement with dads. Nothing changed. I
wrote to the First Minister
SLIDE – picture of Carwyn Jones

Carwyn Jones, father of 2, lives in Bridgend with his lovely

wife Lisa. I asked him to require services funded by Welsh
Government to record the gender of parents they support

He wrote back

SLIDE – TEXT
‘…to record accurately the number of mothers and fathers
attending different courses Local Authorities would have to
manually scrutinise attendance lists to record relationship
details. This would place a disproportionate administrative
burden on them.’
So it seems that we cant work out whether a parent is male,
female or indeed transgender
In Wales we also have some new legislation –
SLIDE Violence against women, domestic abuse and sexual
violence (Wales) Act 2015
To inform the legislative process the Welsh Government
convened a Task & Finish Group that included a number of
experts such as Barbara Natasagara who invented the MARAC
process as well as Paula Hardy the CEO of Welsh Women’s
Aid. The lead author was Dr Amanda Robinson of Cardiff
University who wrote this
SLIDE

‘Masculinity is associated with violence in most cultures and

Wales is no exception; thus, all preventative work and
interventions must be designed to address men’s violent
behaviour, while at the same time recognizing that both men
and women may be the victims of violence that is
overwhelmingly perpetrated by men.’
The Welsh Government’s proposed ‘Ending Violence Against
Women and Domestic Abuse (Wales) Bill’: Recommendations
from the Task and Finish Group Report p. 17

We also know about our friends in the CPS.

SLIDE – ALISON SAUNDERS
They have a Violence against Women and Girls strategy. Did
you know that only 70% of victims are actually female? –
SLIDE – 30% OF VICTIMS OF Violence against Women and
Girls are NOT female
so in 2013/14 there were 13,500 men and boys who are
officially victims of Violence against Women and Girls in the
UK AND a further 16,000 people prosecuted in a criminal
court where the CPS don’t know the gender of the victim!!!
So, perhaps I should have asked this question earlier – ‘Who
believes that there really is a state sponsored War on Dads’
OK – that would have saved us a bit of time really
BUT – fear not
BLACKADDER CLIP
Gentlemen – we’re doing it wrong. In the state’s war on dads
we’re not doing very well.
We need a new direction – a new purpose and a new strategy
based on the following concepts
NUMBER 1
‘DON’T COMPLAIN THAT THE ENEMY’S SHOOTING AT YOU’
There’s a clue in the role description. If they’re the enemy
they’re going to shoot at you! We all expend huge amounts of
angst, bile and man hours (and woman hours!!!) railing
against the injustice of the system. All of our Facebook pages,
Twitter feeds and Blog posts are dominated by invective –
‘You won’t believe what Women’s Aid have done now!!?’ and
‘Can you credit that feminist academics have once again
conclusively proven that men are violent misogynists who
need to be castrated at best and then ritually disembowelled
once they’ve made a will and handled over all their spare
cash.’
NUMBER 2
SLIDE - ‘CREATE YOUR OWN RESEARCH’
I went to an Equalities & Human Rights Commission seminar
on their landmark report ‘Is Britain Fairer 2015?’ They were
proposing to include a section that said that something like
‘there is growing evidence that WOMEN are finding it difficult
to provide the necessary evidence to access Legal Aid for
family disputes.’ I said that I was sure that women DID find it
difficult but that MEN found it MORE difficult! EHRC said to
me ………………PROVE IT!!!
SLIDE – EVIDENCING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: MEN, LEGAL AID
& FAMILY DISPUTES
So we did. 226 men in England and Wales contributed to a
survey I created using the same set of questions used by
Rights of Women. It showed that 70% of men were unable to
provide the necessary evidence while the most recent Rights
of Women survey showed that 37% of women faced the same
difficulty.
NUMBER 3
SLIDE - ‘FRIENDLY FIRE’ – ‘image of conflict’
Stop having a go at others who are broadly on your side. I
was blocked a few weeks ago by the Official F4J twitter feed. I
think the comment was something along the lines of ‘so
here’s another chancer who’s touting for business and
funding’ – and that brings me nicely on to….
NUMBER 4
SLIDE - GO AFTER THE MONEY! – IMAGE OF CASH ETC
I know that’s really controversial – BUT honestly we’ve just
accepted that you’re in a war with the state. Why would
anyone think they have a chance if we’re turning down
modern weapons in favour of sticks and stones.
Now I want to show you a picture of my hero.
SLIDE – GARETH BALE & DAUGHTER
An inspirational figure who has succeeded after many years
of hard work. Someone who epitomises the concept
‘Together, Stronger’.
TURN TO THE SLIDE
No, not him
SLIDE – MUTALE MERRILL OBE
Bawso stands for the Black Association of Women Stepping
Out. They are a member organisation of Welsh Women’s Aid
Now it might surprise you to learn that Wales has a massive
ethnic minority population. According to the 2011 census
23% of those people living in Wales were BORN in another
country
SLIDE – ENGLAND – football team
In terms of the Black and Minority Ethnic population
however the figure is around 4% - almost all concentrated in
Cardiff, Swansea, Newport and Wrexham.
SLIDE – BAWSO – annual report
BAWSO has been operating since 1995. In 2015 they
supported 5292 service users – an increase from 3370 just 2
years before.
Their accounts show that in 2014 their annual income was
SLIDE – annual income of BAWSO
£2.94 million pounds
You can bring about a huge amount of change for a small
group of people when you have £3m a year coming in.
SO, anyone got any thoughts about all that……?