Q: So I’m gonna jump right into it if you don't mind

INTERVIEWEE #1: Okay, that sounds good

Q: Go ahead and pretend like you don't know me and just tell me a bit about yourself.
INTERVIEWEE #1: okay well my name is [], I am a senior in high school, and my parents were
actually not divorced, they were separated when I was younger because they were never
married.
Q: Okay, cool cool. Do you remember how old were you were when they separated?
INTERVIEWEE #1: I wanna say about 2, maybe a bit younger. I don't remember the entire
process, I know why but I don't remember it happening.
Q: So, from what-- since you're so young-- from what you can remember and what your mom
and your dad told you, what was life like prior to the separation of your parents?
INTERVIEWEE #1: Prior to the separation of my parents, things were not going so smooth.. my
dad cheated a couple times, from what I was told, and my mom with mainly the one that was
home my dad was about eight years younger my Mom, he was 21 so he wanted to go out and
have a nice time and kind of avoid the responsibility of having a child. But my mom was in a
previous relationship with my oldest brother’s dad and they were married until he sadly passed
away. But, I did realize that my older brother and my dad actually had a very good connection
because my brother was about five and my dad was almost like a father figure to him for a
couple of years.
Q: Do you know how-- sorry you said your older brother was 5?
INTERVIEWEE #1: Yes.
Q: Your brother was 5 years old when they got separated, so from what you can remember how
was life after your parents were separated?
INTERVIEWEE #1: After they separated I didn’t really recognize I was kind of different from a
lot of people that I went to school with until my stepmother would always pick me up from
daycare and everyone would say “Oh, that’s your mom? I want to meet your mom!” and I would
always quickly say “She is not my mom, she’s my step-mom” and I’ve always made that very
fine distinction with people when I was younger. I had a bit of resentment when I was around 8
and my dad and stepmom decided to have a baby, who I love, but when I was younger it kind of
felt like my dad just went and started a new family, even though I frequently saw him every other
weekend, it was court ordered, my mom has custodial custody of me. But around that time once
they decided to have the baby and I was being a bit difficult I decided that I did not want to go
over there every other weekend, and in fact I almost didn't go over there for an entire year. I
didn't see my dad for a year.. When he called, I didn’t want to talk and when he told me about
my baby brother I didn’t want to listen, but it was really hard after that. Then about two years
later they had another baby, and when I got a bit older, probably when I was around 12 or 13, I
started to want to go over there more and visit and be a part of their family since my mom’s
family is very small, just me, my mom, and my older brother. I was still a little resentful, and my
dad and I did not get along that much, my stepmom and I have always gotten along pretty great,
actually. I think that she had a very crucial role in helping me grow up. Because I like to think
that since my dad and her was so young and I was obviously a baby, over time we kind of
watched each other grow up together. I was able to see my dad and my step-mom mature as
parents and as people and they were able to watch me grow up.
Q: That’s very sweet. Do you have any anything else to say about the general circumstances of
life after your parents separated?
INTERVIEWEE #1: Well, it definitely got a lot easier when we took this huge family trip to
Europe. My dad, my step-brothers, my brother and I. I think that is probably when.. at least
when I recognized or identify.. where my dad and I definitely bonded more. Ever since then
things have been pretty great. I've been seeing them more and I've been trying to be a part of
their life or at least my brother's life. And yeah now it’s a bit harder because I'm about to go to
college and I know it’s a part of life but I think when you have a family that when their parents
are still together, you get to see your family grow up and you don’t miss any big events... but for
me I always felt like I have been missing out on a lot of things [crying] sorry, I’m about to cry..
Q: It’s okay!
INTERVIEWEE #1: My brother's first days of school or when they first started walking and
talking and...I was never really a part of those big moments in their life, just because I was at my
mom’s house which isn’t their fault or my fault it’s just kinda how things worked out. Just kind of
knowing that I missed recreational soccer games or various things like that, it kind of makes me
wish that things were different, but I’ve come to grow and accept that I also wouldn't have it any
other way, because I wouldn't have my stepmom, I wouldn't have my brothers… and it worked
out a lot better than anybody thought it would.
Q: So when you went on the trip to Europe with your family.. do you think you were seeing... do
you think maybe your dad became more like humanized in a way? like.. like I'm thinking you
know since you spent all these years, like you said, having resentment kind of lingering from the
separation and the circumstances and everything... did you have any opportunities to come see
him in a different light during that trip?
INTERVIEWEE #1: I’d like to believe so since my mom was definitely not there.. It was about a
month-long trip so spending different constant time with my dad had got.. It was a little annoying
at first because he really wanted to kind of make up for all the things that he missed. And he
always tries to overcompensate and buy me nice things or just kind of.. like..call me and I can't
really blame him for calling me [laughter] but I think that going over there really forced us
together since it was no other place I could go I couldn't run back to my mom's house I couldn't
run back to my grandma's house it was just me and them basically and I was able to see how
they functioned as a family and they were able to take the time to see me and get to know me
better because twice a month isn’t really enough time really get to know somebody.
Q: How.. I mean.. Since you were so young I’m not sure this question applies, it would kind of
have to be past-tense. How did you feel when you first discovered that your situation was
different from others because your parents were separated?
INTERVIEWEE #1: At first I felt kind of weird I guess you could say like when... you know how
in elementary school or daycare you have these huge family events, and only one of my parents
would show up which was mainly my mom, because my dad also worked a lot. It was definitely
different from the other kids and I remember kind of the feeling of pretty much the odd one out
and like nobody could really relate to my situation. As I've gotten older I have discovered that it’s
a bit more common than you would think. It's not weird anymore. I now think that sometimes
when people have parents that are still together it’s a bit weird. [laughter]
Q: [laughter] It’s a bit crazy?
INTERVIEWEE #1: Yeah, it’s like a.. I don’t want to say perfect, but it’s like a functioning family
that has good parents. [laughter]
Q: So as for visitation arrangements, can you describe some of the difficulties you had keeping
up with it?
INTERVIEWEE #1: Well the difficulties I had was..I guess kind of remembering.. definitely--well
it wasn’t really my job to remember when I saw who, but definitely kind of...I’m sorry what was
the question?
Q: No, it’s okay. If you want, since your mom was arranging them all if she has any reflections
on that you can share that as well.
INTERVIEWEE #1: I think she felt at times it was a bit tedious because my dad isn’t a very
punctual person and we would have a set meeting time of where we would meet on Fridays and
Sundays and my dad would always want a bit more time with me at some point they did go back
to court and try to establish Tuesdays and Thursdays when they lived a lot closer to each other
but it never really panned out considering... a few...probably like a year later he moved to
Norfolk and my mom stayed in Virginia Beach but on holidays -- and we still go by this to this
day-- they have a very set time at 3:00 on …. Christmas Eve no matter if it's my dad's weekend
or my mom’s weekend I’m always with my mom. I spend Christmas Eve with my mom every
year. Then at 3:00 on Christmas Day I go to my grandmother’s house where my dad meets up,
because it’s his mom, and afterwards we go back to my dad’s house and I spend Christmas
night with him and on the 26th I can decide if I'm going to stay there until the end of winter break
for school or if I decide to come back to my mom's kind of any point during that time. But most
holidays are kind of.. now that I'm older I can choose who I want to be with like there isn't any
resentment from either side like “oh, she wants to be with him” or “she wants to be with her” or
“why is isn’t she with me” now it’s like okay you can make your own decisions. So “have fun, i
hope you have a great time” type of thing.
Q: Aw that’s really nice. [laughter]
INTERVIEWEE #1: [laughter] Yeah.
Q: Can you describe any challenges you have encountered with school-related activities and
extracurriculars?
INTERVIEWEE #1: Well I spend the week with my mom there isn't really any conflict between
most things. Because anytime I put down an address or something it's my mom's address so...
I'm in the school district of my mom I didn't have to transfer between one school or another or
had to do that when I was younger but maybe there's something on the weekend and it was
time for me to see my dad I would just say “Hey, I can’t do this, I have to go see my dad.” And..
but that’s about it. Normally nowadays he’s very understanding about how school comes first
like if I s
Q: Did you ever have trouble before you could drive yourself getting transportation to things like
extracurriculars?
INTERVIEWEE #1: Yes I ...my mom and I we didn't have a car for a while and well my dad does
pay child support.. my mom always told me that the child support is used for bills not so much
for what I want. Like if I wanted to go shopping she would not give me that money because its
used for keeping a roof over our head, keeping water in the house, keeping food, and things like
that. At some point I did want to ask my dad for a little extra money to help my mom out, but my
mom and I also understand that my dad has two other children and a wife. So it’s not
necessarily fair for us to say “hey please give us more money because [my daughter] lives here”
like then it’s taking away from them more than it needs to be. But eventually everything worked
out, me and my mom got a car, I can make it to extracurriculars and such.
Q: Did you find that your mom was invested in your school performance and your school
activities as much as you wanted her to be when you were growing up?
INTERVIEWEE #1: Well yeah, she was invested of course she came to all of the meetings, she
went to all the PTA stuff, she’s a big PTA mom surprisingly. [laughter] We..did a lot of school
events together when I was younger but then I got older and I was like “I don’t want you here,
that’s weird!” [laughter]
Q: Gotcha.
INTERVIEWEE #1: But actually nowadays, I tend to gravitate more towards my dad and asking
him to come to these events because.. Since.. Now that he lives in North Carolina it’s a lot
harder for him to see the ins and outs of what I do everyday and what affects me everyday and
when I try to explain it to him I always kind of feel like there’s a disconnect because he suggests
things but.. They’re not really.. I can’t do those things because… yeah he doesn’t really know
the ins and outs of everything as my mom does because I live with her she kind of knows how
much is my limit and what I can and can't do and just kind of things with that. I feel like she has
more of an understanding with my teachers and she just knows a lot more about how I am and
my odds and ends and things like that.
Q: So you mentioned child support earlier and the challenges of getting a car.. Were there any
other challenges or hardships you feel you guys faced due to the outcome of the separation?
INTERVIEWEE #1: I don't feel like there are many. Because my dad did child support which
does help a lot, more than my mom and I would would like to admit. But maybe… there were
times when... [laughter]
Q: [laughter] It’s okay, if there weren’t any you don’t have to push..
INTERVIEWEE #1: [laughter] Not too many, no.
Q: Okay, okay. This is kind of a broad question but do you in particular blame either parent for
the outcome their separation?
INTERVIEWEE #1: At first I did. My mom was a lot more open about how it happened as
opposed to my dad. I don't really ask my dad a lot of his background in general because he's
not too open on it, while my mom is very honest about her circumstances and things as such.
When I was younger I did blame my dad because he was the one who cheated, but as I've
gotten older I’ve realized that it wasn't just one thing it was a lot of things such.. like where they
both were at in life might-- like I said my dad was 21 he got to finally drink, he got to go out and
party and do things that most 21 year olds would probably want to do, while my mom was about
29, she already had a child she did those things, she already had her fun, she was ready to
settle down after her husband had passed away. So I think now I recognize it more as
differences in lifestyle than it was just him cheating.
Q: Did either one of your parents ever influence your opinion or perspectives on the other parent
whether it be intentionally or unintentionally?
INTERVIEWEE #1: They both did that, yeah. [laughter] It was a lot harder when I was
younger… ‘cause my mom ...they don’t really have a lot in common, actually, besides me, so
they just really..they didn’t really...want to pin me against one or the other ...my mom was just
my dad was like “He’s trying to buy your love! Don't let him do that, make him earn it.” and kind
of things like that.. My dad was like “don’t let her tell you these things, she just-- don't let her
influence me, what she's telling you might be wrong, like you don't know my side of the story”
and just kind of things like that. But spending more time with each of them I've just learned to
ignore it. I mean it does make me upset but at the same time I know each of them are at this
point I've made my own conclusions about their personalities and it's been 17 years since they
last had a relationship pretty much, for the most part.. 15 to 17 [years].. So they don’t really
know each other anymore so you can’t really.. They’re not able to continue saying the things
that they once said like two years after the break-up because it was still fresh. But now it’s been
a long time, my dad’s remarried, you know, people change. But now that they’ve both gotten
older and like how I said earlier my Dad’s matured they’ve both been talking to each other like
how they both did a really good job in raising me and they contribute that to one another. It was
definitely was hard at first but over time it took a lot of teamwork and a lot of effort to raise a
child in such a... weird environment I guess for the both of them.
Q: Would you say most of that resentment has kind of faded over the years?
INTERVIEWEE #1: It has, yeah. There was a time when I was very upset at my Dad about
moving to North Carolina because--this was in June of 2018, so it was pretty recent-- where I
felt like he believed that I can handle things on my own and be by myself since I was getting
older.. [crying] I’m gonna cry again I’m sorry..
Q: It’s okay!
INTERVIEWEE #1: So it kind of just felt like he packed everything but me... and he left me kind
of without him in a sense. Even though I do see him often, but it's not a great feeling when your
parent is kind of far away..
Q: I know how you feel, yeah [laughter]
INTERVIEWEE #1: Sorry. [laughter]
Q: Do you feel like your parents relationship and the circumstances of the separation has had
an impact on your own outlook on love and romantic relationships?
INTERVIEWEE #1: Actually, yeah. So since my mom had one or two boyfriends after my dad,
one was very long-term and he lived with us. He wasn't the best guy but he was there to help I
guess in a sense he.. Irrelevant but, he also cheated on my mom so after that she kinda was
just like a very independent person and with that she raised me to kind of believe that I will kind
of always be there for just me and that there won’t always be somebody else to be with me, so
she raised me in the sense of being independent I don't need anybody else and actually
anytime I think about my future I don't really think about me being in a relationship I think about
me and just kind of bragging on my own with somebody’s kid apparently but there was no like
husband or any type of figure in that that picture of my future.
Q: When you kind of think about the standard-- albeit a fading standard-- for everyone to grow
up and get married what are your thoughts on standard basically applies to you or others in your
life?
INTERVIEWEE #1: See.. I also.. I know it's kind of weird I also always dreamed of having a
huge wedding and having a husband and two kids and it’s just kind of like this cutesy idea
because guess it is a society thing that everyone should kind of want that but like I said before
I've never really saw it happening just more of the idea of it...but it can apply to me..I would like
it to apply to me. but it’s definitely kind of in the back of my mind that there might not be a happy
big family ending, it might just be me and someone’s child, but, yeah. [laughter]
Q: As for your any romantic relationships that you may have had already, do you feel like your
parents relationship and your perspective of that has had an influence?
INTERVIEWEE #1: Yes. My boyfriend also comes from a-- well, his family’s divorced--but
comes from a family that isn't so similar to mine.. his family can be, his parents.. Well, his dad
can be a bit more cold but we both kind of come from a very warm and welcoming family. I think
that when I see relationships I kind of see blended families. Like with my step-mom and my
brothers we still have a good relationship with my mom now. But now looking at my parents’
relationship and hearing how it all went down and everything that's happened I've learned to
realize that as corny as it may sound communication is key in a relationship. If you don't say
anything does a person can't fix what they may have done, and for me to kind of... it's hard for
me to open up about like what problems I see in a relationship as I think it might be for
everybody to pinpoint what is going on in their relationship and how they should fix it. But I
definitely now try harder to kind of live by the saying that communication is key in my
relationship and I think my boyfriend agrees with that as well considering he does come from a
divorced family that maybe it at some point if they sat down and talked about it, I’m not saying
it’s a cure-all, but it might have gone differently.
Q: How do you think things would be different if your parents had stayed together instead of
getting separated?
INTERVIEWEE #1: Well I used to play with this thought a lot more when I was younger now that
I’ve grown up it doesn’t really... well obviously I wouldn’t have my step-mom and I wouldn’t have
my younger brothers who I adore. Gosh I feel like just that one change in both of my my Mom
and Dad's life projected them on two different paths as well.. so I feel like with that one slight
change a lot of things would have changed, like where my dad lives now, where his job is now,
the place that my me and my mom live now, we might be living in somewhere better like a
house or something we might have a second car because we have that second income. So I
think that we would be a bit more financially stable but I still don't think that it would be the
happiest relationship on earth, because they are very different people with very different
personalities and I think that they would still be a lot of maybe arguments and things like that
just because how they've grown up in their relationship ad how different they are. It wouldn’t
really be.. And honestly now that i think about it, it would not be an ideal situation for me or
them.
Q: So you may have had more like financial standing but probably worse over all, like emotional
well-being.
INTERVIEWEE #1: Yeah, not to say that my parents don't love me, [laughter] they are very
active in my life but them personally, and how it would have played out for them, I don't think
that they would be happy and I think I would be able to notice that and it probably would have
an emotional effect on me.
Q: So, overall, do you feel like the effects of divorce and family disruption and estrangement are
addressed sufficiently in today's society?
INTERVIEWEE #1: I don't think it is, no. Both my mom and dad come from divorced families as
well. For me my mom like I said was always more open about her history, she told me a few
things about how it all played out for her. She didn’t treat her dad the best after it happened to
her, but she always kind of told me to just try my best and that he will try his best and whatever
happens happens instead of just kind of closing him off, and just kind of things like that. In my
family, more taboo topics are more talked about because mom is a big “don't repeat my
mistakes” type of person. In society of the whole I don't think that it's talked about enough I think
that it's just kind of like this secret thing. Not like secret, but like “Oh, your parents aren’t
together? Okay.” type of thing. But kind of how it emotionally affects somebody, I don’t think
there’s enough surrounding it to help somebody that may have had a much worse experience
than I did because my experience wasn’t awful. But that doesn’t mean somebody else’s wasn’t,
just because it turned out okay for other people.
Q: Do you have any other like reflections or thoughts about your own circumstances and how it
might affect you going forward?
INTERVIEWEE #1: I suppose going forward kind of how I mentioned earlier, since I wasn't
around for my brothers all too much I haven't been able to see them completely grow up
because now they're 10 and 8 but when I go to college it’s kind of those years that you wanna
be there for because the fun and they’re making new friends and they’re kind of having a great
time in life, hopefully, but I know I won't be there to see that because I will always have to
choose which parent would I like to go visit type of situation and trying to balance it out so that
way one person doesn’t feel like I'm seeing the other person more or kind of things like that.
Because with my older brother since he lived with my mom we kind of got to grow up with each
other so it’s not so much I’m missing out on his life, because we still text, he moved out now, i
think it’s a very different feelings with my baby brother, I’m just worried because i won’t be there
for everything kind of got robbed each other so it's not so much like I think it's very different
feeling with my baby brothers that I'm just worried that I won’t be there for everything and it kind
of sucks because I would like to but apparently it’s a part of growing up because sometimes you
just won’t be there. But my parents separating was probably a bit more not the end of the world
for me now that I've grown up. I was lucky enough not to remember any of it. So I feel like if
you're old enough to remember how it happened, every detail, it definitely has more of an effect
for you because then eventually at some point you saw them kind of happy or pretending to be
happy then the next day they're just gone. But for me it was just kind of like how I came up, so it
wasn't a big change for me until the resentment and things like that. I've pretty much gotten over
everything with that and I kind of appreciate that, not so much that my dad cheated, but that
they eventually took the steps to make sure they were both happy as well as keeping me happy.
I do think that they had my best interests at heart or I'd like to think that. Because they both still
try very hard to be a part of my life and they are. It's not kind of a one parent thing like it is with
some people. For me it was definitely a village, a combination of my dad my mom my stepmom
my grandma my other grandma. I think that it helped me become me and it affected my outlook
on life like kind of from my mom, like "I don't need no man" [laughter]. I can take care of myself.
And then my dad's outlook saying that since he had a really nice family with my stepmom, I
want to believe that I'm a part of that family and kind of how hard they work to where they were
finally able to buy a house, y'know they have two cars, they have a dog now, it was nice to be
able to see how their life progressed because my mom and dad separated if that makes any
sense...and to like I said, see them grow up and see my mom grow up even though she was
already a pretty mature lady. But, to see how the different hardships affected each and every
one of us, not just the separation, but how the lack of money affected my mom, how much my
dad worked affected his family, and now it's kind of easier to realize that while I was younger I
thought they were this perfect family because they had a mom and a dad and two kids, that
each family has its own problems and that's okay. And that they can get through it.. my dad did
end up cheating on my step-mom at one point if I'm being honest, but they were able to work
through that. As opposed to how my mom and dad just kind of weren't. So I am happy with that.
My baby brothers do get to experience a good relationship ... I hope that it continues to work out
for them because even though it wasn't so bad for me, they're now at that age where they
remember when their parents were happy and then the next day they aren't. And for them to
kind of go through something like that, I would hope that I would be able to give them advice
because I went through something kind of similar, but I would never wish that onto them
because it's very hard to deal with as a child. But as we all do we get through it because that's
just how life is. Heck yeah, that's a very nice change of pace. Do you have any other reflections
on just the issue of divorce as a whole and how it affects society and how it could be changed
for the better in our court system. Well, divorce as whole is just kind of how life turns out for
most people or some people. I think that it should be more talked about in like, a psychology
class or maybe even with psychologists and I think that maybe I wouldn't have had so much
resentment towards my dad if people had talked about it more. I wouldn't blame him for my
separated family I wouldn't have.. I would have seen him for that year that I didn't and even so it
was so long ago I still personally regret that. I regret not seeing my dad and ignoring him and
not really wanting him to be a part of my life for that year, which doesn't... it was a long time
back then, and it still is a long time because then I was made because he missed things but I
didn't want him there anyway so, so it was kind of like a weird situation. I think that there should
be more things out there for people with separated or divorced parents because it's a very hard
thing to go through when kind of everybody around you seems to have a perfect life, but you
contribute all of the things that's going on in your life, like now, like the need for financial
support, and things like that, you contribute it back to how your family separated. Because there
isn't that second income it's just my mom my brother and I, she was a single mom for pretty
much my entire life except for that one boyfriend. [laughter] But, yeah. I think that a lot of people
would benefit from some type of help or...just for kids to talk about it more maybe in school
systems, just kind of anywhere because it's such a normal thing of so many people's lives. You
learn to kind of live with it but when it happens I feel like it is harder for people as opposed to
just kind of seeing it as 'this is how my life played out' because it took me a very long time for
me to just kind of work around it, get over it, get over the resentment, just kind of remember that
it's not gonna be so bad for so long, and I can't help what happens to them, it's not my fault that
they separated and just kind of things like that. It takes a long time to kind of get over it and deal
with it. Even when it happens when you're 2. But, yeah, so I think that it...it really is...me,
personally, my mom talked about her experiences did help me because like I said, she came
from a divorced family, so she would give me advice, she would never be upset with me if I
came home angry from my dad's house, or when I was angry at her when she made me go over
there, because she knows how important seeing your father is until you know, they're
gone...[crying] and for her-- my grandfather, he had ALS, and when everything was at the heat
of the moment for them, she said that she would, oh god.. she said she would never talk to him
again until he was on his deathbed. and once he got ALS that was kind of... of course they
talked a bit before that but once he got ALS it kind of signed everything in for her and he kept
the letter and I know she still feels so bad about it... and I don't mean to cry, again...
Q: It's okay!
INTERVIEWEE #1: ...it makes me happy that she forced me... not like, y'know pushed me out
the door, she was like 'Jasmine, you have to go, I'm gonna take you over there, just deal with it,
it's only for one weekend, it's not a year out of your life, just do it, just go.' I'm happy that she did
that for me because even if my dad and I had our resentments and our differences and it really
took that trip to Europe to make everything kind of work out, it would have been a lot harder if
that didn't happen. That I didn't see him, and yeah... I'm happy that she did that.
Q: Yeah!
INTERVIEWEE #1: Okay.. I'm sorry for all the crying! [laughter]
Q: It's okay! It's understandable [laughter] Thank you so much for participating, I really really
appreciate it.
INTERVIEWEE #1: You're welcome! Yeah, no problem.
Q: If you have any other reflections or anything you maybe forgot or want to add, you're always
free to call me again or email me or y'know..
INTERVIEWEE #1: Okay
Q: I'm probably... gonna be publishing the book in late March and you guys will have priority
seating and a free copy of my book at the book launch!
INTERVIEWEE #1: Nice!! [laughter]
Q: Right! If you're able to make it I really hope...it's on March 31st, it's on a Sunday..
INTERVIEWEE #1: Okay!! I am excited then, I'll write that down!! [laughter]
Q: It's very exciting...and yeah, now I just have to interview everybody else so...thank you so
much.
INTERVIEWEE #1: You're welcome, I hope everything goes well for you.
Q: Thank you
INTERVIEWEE #1: And thank you for allowing me to speak about my experiences! Even though
it's not necessarily divorce it's separation but they're like the same thing! For some people...so
[laughter] So yeah okay
Q: Okay.. I'll let you go now [laughter]
INTERVIEWEE #1: Okay [laughter] bye..