Peer Review Exhibit

Will Bass Original Draft 1 Paper 2 Introduction

We all have heard the iconic lyrics “I’m a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world / Life

in plastic, it’s fantastic” from the Danish-Norwegian dance-pop group Aqua. The song

itself is a satire of the perfect world Barbie lives in that modern society is obsessed

with. The “life in plastic” has many interpretations, but I interpret it as “life in trash”

seeing as how plastic makes up most of the world’s trash. If Barbie is made of

plastic, she is therefore considered trash, or trashy if you will. However, this does not

necessarily mean that trash is bad. If anything it means the opposite. In class we

have discussed the meaning of trash, defining it as “an object considered to have no

value by a person or group.” This certainly is not the case seeing as how many boys

and girls own Barbie dolls and view her as a role model. This in turn leads me to my

main claim: all trash is initially valueless, but it also has the potential to attain the

same use value that we consider to be present in treasure. However, trash can just

as easily lose or diminish its use value just as much as it can attain it. It is important

to note that just because trash can attain use value, it is not considered treasure

because it started out without any value. True treasure on the other hand is born with

use value, which is quite difficult to find. I will be analyzing the value and lack of

value that objects in literature contain through the short stories “Dolls” by Heather

O’Neill and “All the Garbage of the World, Unite!” by Kim Hyesoon. The titles of these

stories could not describe Barbie anymore perfectly; she is a doll, and she is

garbage.

My review of Will Bass Draft 1 Paper 2 Introduction

Key:
BOLD - My own commentary

- Good Point!/ Effective Analysis

- Vary Sentence Structure/ Awkward Syntax

- Ineffective Argument/ Broad Thesis

- Comma Needed

We all have heard the iconic lyrics “I’m a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world / Life

in plastic, it’s fantastic” 1 A parenthetical citation might be necessary here. "it's

fantastic" (Aqua) from the Danish-Norwegian dance-pop group Aqua. The song

itself is a satire of the perfect world Barbie lives in that modern society is obsessed

with. The “life in plastic” has many interpretations, but I 2 Try and refrain from

using the first person pronouns. Maybe change it from "I interpret" to "One

way to interpret" that way as well there are more words!interpret it as “life in

trash” seeing as how plastic makes up most of the world’s trash. If Barbie is made of

plastic, she is therefore considered trash, or trashy if you will. However, this does not

necessarily mean that trash is bad. If anything it means the opposite. 3 I would try

and combine these two sentences in some way. Right now the way it is the two

short sentences back to back feels choppy and in order to improve the flow a

combined complex sentence can improve the readability. In class we have

discussed the meaning of trash, defining it as “an object considered to have no value

by a person or group.” This certainly is not the case seeing as how many boys and

girls own Barbie dolls and view her as a role model. This in turn leads me to my main

claim: all trash is initially valueless, but it also has the potential to attain the same

use value that we consider to be present in treasure. However, trash can just as

easily lose or diminish its use value just as much as it can attain it. It is important to

note that just because trash can attain use value, it is not considered treasure

because it started out without any value. True treasure on the other hand is born with

use value, which is quite difficult to find. 4 I am not sure these two sentences are

necessary to improve your argument. I will be analyzing the value and lack of

value that objects in literature contain through the short stories “Dolls” by Heather
O’Neill and “All the Garbage of the World, Unite!” by Kim Hyesoon. The titles of these

stories could not describe Barbie anymore perfectly; she is a doll, and she is

garbage. 5 With the thesis, it feels like it is split between two places: Your main

claim and here. I think you need to combine your main claim and the sentence

introducing the short stories. 6 Overall, I think the allusion to Barbie fits in the

introduction. However, I think that the stories should be introduced earlier and

with a little more context. I understand that our audience, Ms. McPherson, is

familiar with both stories but if the audience was not it would be significantly

more confusing. Also, if you rework the thesis, I believe you will be able to

have a more coherent introduction that is well organized.

Peer Review Analysis

Will Bass in his Paper 2 introduction establishes his argument and connection

between a song and two short stories with themes revolving around waste and the

definition of trash. My task, specifically for thesis, was to evaluate whether the thesis

was an "argument and not a factual statement", was specific in its statement of

ideas, and was a contained argument or a loose collection of ideas. Although my

instructions were to focus specifically on the thesis, I also wanted to confirm that the

introduction as a whole successfully establishes the argument laid out in the thesis.

As this was intended to be a research or scholarly essay, I also wanted to assure

that all of the formatting of citations and other grammatical aspects were in place to

keep the scholarly tone. The first comment I made was to inform the writer that a

parenthetical citation and therefore a citation in the works cited will most likely be

necessary if they were to quote from a song. It is important, especially in a research

article, to cite all your sources even those that seem arbitrary in the grand scheme of

your argument such as the song that was quoted in the first sentence. I, then,

commented on the author's use of personal pronouns in their introduction. As a

reviewer, I believe it is vital to not just point out the problems with an essay but to

also suggest possible solutions to problems. For the problem of using personal
pronouns, I suggest alternate ways of phrasing the author's sentence without the use

of a personal pronoun. I felt this change, although minor, was especially important to

maintain the scholarly tone of the research essay. By using personal pronouns, the

tone can be shifted slightly to more personable or narrative based rather than fact

and research based. Another thing I try to achieve as a reviewer is a balance

between complimentary and critical. As a writer, I prefer feedback on my papers to

be constructive rather than destructive, so this is the way I try and provide feedback

for others as well. As you can see, I highlight a point made by the author in purple

reassuring them of their strong argumentative point. As I continued, I felt the two

sentences highlighted in blue interrupted the flow of the paragraph. Both sentences

were short, which made the paragraph's flow feel choppy at that point. I suggested to

the author to combine the sentences in some way to improve the flow of the

paragraph. As I continued reviewing, the next two sentences highlighted in blue, I felt

were unnecessary for his argument. It feels almost like a side note which feels like

an interruption in the middle of his introduction which distracts the reader from the

main argument. Finally all three sentences I highlighted in light brown felt like a

thesis. All three of the sentences makes a different claim, however it is uncertain how

all three sentences are related to the argument. Also, in the last sentence of the

paragraph, the author, for the first time, introduces the two short stories they will use

as evidence for the rest of the essay. I suggested to introduce the stories a little more

in the introduction: not necessarily explaining the major plot points, but showing the

reader how their main claim about trash, the barbie song, and these stories are all

connected. This peer review actually helped me improve my own paper 2

introduction as well. I had the same problem of introducing loosely related ideas

without connecting them in my introduction. Over the few drafts I made, I was able to

improve upon the connection of my ideas in my introduction, and this peer review

helped me to understand better how to perform the connections I needed to make.