The perverse plague that is called porn.

{Anonymous}

LEAD: I am a Christian student who suffered from a pornography addiction. I'm not the only one: I
know there are several other students that give too much importance to this junk. [What does this
mean for a Christian student? What role does believe have in this? The story of an experience
expert.]

It all started with watching a pornographic magazine that I had found on the street. I am now
twenty-six years and I still can recall certain photos I saw in that one specific magazine. Shortly
thereafter full of curiosity I approached older girls to have sex with them. If I had sex with a girl it
always turned out that they wanted a relationship with me. Thanks to the therapy I know now that I
have that I suffered from BINDINGSANGST, so as a precaution for the fear I went looking for a new
victim. I treated women that way because it was the safest way for me and I then had all the control.
I had a very strong appetite for sex. At that time I thought I knew what everything was needed to
know about women. They were there to fullfill sexual pleasure.

At one point an ex-girlfriend send me a painful letter. In this letter she points me to the fact that I've
caused her a lot pain and by then I realized that I had a problem with women and sex and that I
should look for help. She has me in that way made aware that I had a serious problem. Then I went
from one problem to another. Instead of actually having sex with girls, I went on the internet looking
at porn because this seemed like a safe way to be sexually active without getting involved in a real
relationship. The real world has a lot of stress and uncertainty but the world of the porn was easy
and predictable. This, however, got at a given moment so out of hand that I had to masturbate
several times on some days before I was satisfied. N this period I had attended a service in church
about pornography and came to faith. The problem arose because I pornography is rejected in faith
and I learned more about how God had meant sex. Then I decided to go seek professional help.

Since then I visit a psychologist where I talk to once in the two weeks. As a result of me taking the
therapy, I also started to think very different about women and sex, and not only because of God's
judgment. It is a process in which I am already very much changed in the positive sense. Occasionally
I still speak with my ex girlfriend and she says that I am very positively changed. I'm still not where I
want to be but I am on the right track.

I notice that if I do my best to get away from pornography, it’s very hard. I can keep away from it for
a long period but after a few months I still may have a relapse. As a result, I get the feeling to be even
deeper in it than I was before, with all feelings of guilt that come with it. The periods that there
might occur a relapse, is getting longer. At times when I experience a lot of stress in my life, the
greater the temptation is to fall back in pornography. Now with the professional help I learn to find a
replacement for it. I have since a couple of months a Christian girlfriend and she is also a great
support for me. This is my first time being in a healthy relationship. It's really hard, because I have to
be open, vulnerable and honest. Despite my pornography background we have a good relationship.
We do not have secrets for each other.

My girlfriend tells me often: "If God forgives you, you may also forgive yourself". This is something I
can't quite fulfill yet and I also still do not lost all feelings of guilt. That is another struggle. My
girlfriend says that everyone has a past, and finds it good that I take steps to totally leave this behind
me. She has her own things where she has struggled — not pornography, but other obstacles. It is
not easy but together we will come there. She likes me and I like her. We can talk about the difficult
things together well and that gives us a good basis.

Nowadays I can control my desires better, if I feel excitement, I call my best friend, girlfriend or
psychologist. If one of them is not reachable I go outside for a walk or I go to the library where I lock
myself for a time and burry myself under study substance. In addition, I pray there at that moment.
Often this will get my desires to the background.