UNCLEAR

Jaz stood at the end of row watching his workers how they sweat in the hot
sun. Their skin became darker that usual and white shirts looker even whiter on them
shining on the sun in the contrast to their wet skin. At one moment Jaz felt disgusted
by those, as he called them, creatures. He felt sick seeing drops of sweat on their skin
so he went back to his house.
He lived alone in the huge house. Though he had numerous workers, he
insisted that they sleep in the barn on the field. He wanted house to be clean for him
because he liked to organize parties for his friends and upper class peoples who
enjoyed his company. Jaz was gentleman of his kind when it comes to women. Not
many men respected women as he did. He would buy them flowers, bonbons,
chocolates and jewelry but he could never find the right one to share a huge house
with. Reason why he respected women so much was his mother who passed away
when he was very young. He remembers her as the kindest person in the world who
loved him with all his heart and was so gentle to him that he could still recall her
arms full of comfort and warmth when she hugs him and holds closer to her heart.
She loved his father almost as equal as him. It could be seen in the way they looked
at each other and the way they laugh together. Jaz wanted that. Sometimes he felt like
hopeless romantic fell out of some Jane Austin book dreaming about happily ever
after with a woman he have not met yet.

  

“Come on, you are perfectionist, you will never find woman who was like
your mother.” said Matt.
“But I just cannot marry any woman because I have to.”
“Look Jaz, you have to thing wiser. You are not that young anymore and you
will not be young enough forever to make a child who will take care of this
wonderful home when you get old or die.”
“You are right, but I do not want to be unhappy with my wife like you are.”
 “Well, we were happy once. You will see, young love is sweetest but later you
get kids and you need to work harder, then your kids get kids and you even forget
that you have a wife until you come late home and she starts to yell at you.” said
Matt through the laugh.
“Well, you married because you could not keep your pants up. I do not want
that.”
“Hey, I could have done it with any dark girl if I wanted to have a sex. I liked
Annie and she loved me, I wanted to be with her. She was different back then.”
“Please do not say ever again such a disgusting thing. I cannot understand
normal people who can have anything with those black girls.”
“Well, not all of them are completely black. Some of them are almost white,
when there is no light outside you would mistake them for a normal girl.”
“Disgusting!”
“Oh come one Jaz, you don’t have to be so clean. Some of those women gave
birth to white boys.”
“They are not white if they have black blood, they are same dirty creatures as
them. If God wanted them to be normal he would not create them as such dirty
creatures. Just thing about their wide noses like animals breathing in air while
running, or their hair so thick they cannot make ever proper haircut, especially those
females with bushes on their heads. They look so animalistic to me, and their skin
looks so…. unclean.”
“I agree with you when it is sunlight but in the dark” he laugh “in the dark
you don’t see their skin. You just feel it, smooth as silk and smell like coconut oil.
And their hair is so soft when you go with your hands through it.”
Jaz looked as he was about to throw up. He could not even imagine such a
scene and act. He just wanted to have a fun in his home and Matt was there talking
about worst thing he could ever imagine. He would rather die than lower on the level
when he has to express his animalistic needs through an animal. He would rather kill
himself then let that kind of created to give a birth to his blood.

  
 Jaz went to village with his workers to buy new tools for their work. He could
not watch them destroying his ground with old tools that belonged to slaves his
grandfather had. He was good man, respected by everyone and his grandma was as
good as his mother, at least he has heard that. People used to say that she loved him
too much because she did things other women would never do. Jaz believed that his
mother got her loveliness from his grandmother as she was her mother. That was also
one reason why he wanted mother of his children to be fair woman so their children
can learn from the best.
Suddenly, he saw her. It was a young girl picking up a flower from women
who was selling it, and she gave it to the little girl saying “You and this beautiful
flower share names.” She was the most beautiful girl he ever seen. Her white dress
stood perfectly on her body not showing anything improper but he could still see her
beautiful figure.
“Who is she?” he whispered.
“She is the fairest girl you will ever meet. So beautiful and so honest. She
refused to get married for a rich man just because of his money, she said she could
not be with someone without love.” said one of his workers.
“But where was she hiding all this time?”
“She moved from the South last mount. Her mother died so she came here
with her father who got a job in village office.”
“How do you know her?”
“I’ve met her family when I was in South. They gave me a food and coffee
when I was passing their house.”
Jaz could not understand why would they help his worker who was black
stranger in front of their house, especially if they had such a wonderful daughter.
“What is her name?”
“Claire.”
“Claire means clean.” said Jaz.

  
 It did not take a long time for Jaz and Emily to fell in love with each other.
She was happy to love such a honest man and he was the happiest man on the Earth
because he finally find woman as his mother. He liked to look at her smiling with her
perfect white teeth on her white face and her skin so smooth and silky, so clear. He
could not resist Claire who brought such the happiness into his life, he wanted her
and he knew, he had to marry her. She was the missing part he always had been
seeking for.
On their wedding day she was three months pregnant but nobody could say.
Jaz was excited and could not wait for ceremony to start. Guests were coming into
house already congratulating his both thing though he was not even married not
became father yet.
Suddenly, group of black people came into his house and hugged him
laughing and celebrating. Jaz was shocked.
“How dare you. Who are you?” he jelled.
“We are Claire’s cousins.”
“Bullshit. Get out of my house you animals!”
“Excuse me my brother; I do not understand your anger. We came in peace to
celebrate your and Claire’s love.” said one old black woman calmly.
Jaz felt as he could not breathe. He was too angry and insulted by this.
“Claire’s grandmother was my sister. She gave birth to Claire’s mother. Her
father was white man who held old farm. Claire’s mother, Lulu fell in love with a
white man who respected her and they got married and Claire is product of their
love. She is proof that love has no boundaries.”
Jaz felt blood in his face; he wanted to beat them with bare hands, but instead
of that he run out of the house to find Claire.

  

Nobody saw Jaz in a village for months. He just sat at his house and though
how humiliated he was. Black blood was mixed with his blood. He did not want to
hear about that girl and her child ever again. He just sat at his sofa and cried. He read
all letters his mother sent to his father and cried because he will never find that kind
of love. Their letters were inspired by love, it was like reading poetry. He could have
imagined their relationship from the beginning to the end. His father was soldier and
while he was away his mother would send him photos of baby Jaz. On the one
photo’s background was written “I am so thankful that he won’t have any problems.
His skin is so clear.” That was odd but he was warmth by his mother’s love and care
for him. He was searching for photo of his mother but could not find any. He haven’t
seen them in a years. He wanted to see her beauty again.

  

Two days later workers announced that they should burn garbage left so Jaz
told them to do so. The fire was set on the evening when sun was gone. Jaz sat
outside as well and watched the fire. One of his servant ladies came to him.
“I’ve found one of your mother’s photos.” she said.
He was so happy and grabbed it immediately to see her beauty. He shocked.
On the photo there was his father and his mother holding him, and he and his father
were perfectly white, but his mother…. she was darker, too much darker.
“What is this? Why is she dark? Something was wrong with this camera.”
“No, sir. Everything was alrght. You cannot expect her to be completely white
from black mother.”
“What?”
“Don’t you know?” said old lady. “Everybody is still talking about your
grandmother who accepted her as her own daughter after her mother died on the
birth.”
“Why would she do such a thing?”
“Well, she loved her husband and your mother was his daughter. Grandpa was
a wild man when he was young.”
Jaz could not believe her words he was shocked and dropped the photo which
flew into the fire. He looked at one of dark men. The fire was dancing on his face
while his wide nose was moving while breathing in hot air. His skin almost
completely white because of fire's light, but Jaz knew he was not white.
 Suddenly, he knew nothing about his own origin. He was ashamed of himself
as a child of a mother who was not white. He blamed her. In his madness Jaz
suddenly jumped and started hitting all workers near him. He felt as they were all
guilty for his faith
“You filthy animals!!” , he jelled.
Nobody understood what was happening to him. Out of the blue, he was
hitting his men with bare hands and legs. They did not defend much, just tried to
avoid his limbs flying all around him. They made a circle around him and in his
madness he looked like he was dancing one of those African tribe dances.
He fell on the ground. Black earth was all over his face. Dirt got into his
mouth but he could not spill it out because his head was too heavy and his limbs felt
as they were chained. One of men came to him and put the dirt out of his mouth.
Another man brought a glass of water and they turned him to help him drink it.
Armand drank it greedily like an animal.
“Poor Jaz. How he did not know? Even his name, Jaz, means unclear,”