CRISOSTOMO, ​Chelsea Summer L.

ENGL 11 - M

Curing the People-Please Disease

Would you be a dear and read this, please?

If you did read the first sentence and are still doing it now, you might be part of the

people-pleaser crowd.. Fear not, for there is generally nothing wrong with it. In fact, it is

something natural and useful.

People-pleasing is something which people evolved to do over the course of time.

Historically, most leaders in the story of mankind have been not only charismatic, but

people-pleasers as well (“The Origins of People Pleasing + Three Reasons to Stop”).

Hunter-gatherer societies chose leaders based on whoever pleased the majority. A man or

woman who satisfied the most members of their family or tribe would then lead them.

Nowadays, in democratic governments, the most popular candidate, the person who pleases

the majority of the population is chosen. This has been the case for a number of leaders.

Moreover, people-pleasing is a necessity in a world of self-absorption and

insensitivity. It becomes a support system for everyone. When people bring others down,

someone lifts them up by means of satisfying them.

Although people-pleasing is normal, it can turn into a disease. It becomes unhealthy

when it becomes excessive, as said by Les Carter (6). At this point, people-pleasing is not

about empowering people; it is more about disempowering the self (Beard). When one gets

obsessed with catering to everyone’s needs, they tend to limit their freedom of expression.

Opinions become suppressed for the sake of others. This could lead to a number of

consequences:
 Firstly, the person who pleases ​makes others become responsible for their own

emotional state ​(Beard). This happens due to the fact that people-pleasers usually end up

neither satisfied nor cared for. When one helps others, it comes at their expense since they

still have to take care of themselves in order to keep the cycle going. However, this leads to a

people-pleaser giving what little they have to people who do not care for what they do.

Hence, one abdicates the responsibility for one’s emotional state resulting in fatigue, anxiety,

and stress.

Secondly, prioritizing others rather than prioritizing the self ​limits capabilities and

opportunities​. They hold themselves back and set aside the thought of what may change if

they took a stand. They would never know the positive outcomes they could potentially bring.

By doing this, a path to a life full of regret and what-ifs is established (Imafidon).

Lastly, suppressing opinions for others leads to ​difficulty in focusing ​(Carter).

Without being able to express one’s thoughts, their capabilities for taking action are

suppressed as well. This makes a person indecisive and prompts a loss in initiative and

motivation. One’s thoughts go all over the place due to the lack of focus, and usually, this

further keeps the person down. This in-focus becomes a roadblock.

With all that said, what should people do when they face all of these? Should they

continue doing this and suffer?

Of course, no one wants this to happen. Hence, a “pill” can be administered to cure

the people-please disease, and this is called mindfulness. It is a practice done by a number of

people who want to reduce anxiety, depression, and especially people pleasing as it

conditions the mind to eliminate the habit of trying to please others. Numbers of books cover

this topic such as Micki Fine’s ​The Need to Please: Mindfulness Skills to Gain Freedom from

​ ccording to various authors quoted in its book

People Pleasing and Approval Seeking. A
cover, it provides a “roadmap” to recovering worth and inner strength which can provide

enlightenment and help people be gentle with oneselves. By being able to recognize one’s

own emotions, the following values will be improved:

Awareness. ​By practicing mindfulness, people start to have a different outlook

regarding people-pleasing. According to Fine’s book cover of her work stated

previously, it would help recognize that acts should be done with self-awareness

instead of self-sacrifice. Moreover, it gives others a better view of their current

situations. By being mindful, things would work out better in a sense that one can

now exercise control.

Control. ​Once people become aware of their emotions, they are able to control

their actions with ease. This is done by undergoing the thought process shown below,

which asks certain questions regarding one’s current situation:

1. “What do I feel?”

This question involves understanding one’s feelings on the surface. Is

it satisfaction that one is helping others? Could it be a disappointment that

one’s efforts are not reciprocated? Questions such as these are key to knowing

what one is feeling, which is imperative in further understanding oneself.

2. “Why am I feeling this?”

Here, the antecedent of the problem is now analyzed. Where did this

feeling come from? By identifying the source of such feelings, they can

further find reason in why they are feeling like so. By deepening the

understanding beyond that of a surface understanding of what is, one can

better control themselves. It is the start of further narrowing down and having
 focus. It deals with the infocus that excessive people-pleasing brings, and

further helping in controlling how one feels.

3. “How do I feel about what I feel?”

The reason behind how a person feels as one does is indicative of what

courses of action must be taken. “Should I let it be?,” “Must I do something

about this?” are just few questions asked with the above question as a

precedent. Answering these questions would then bring about options to

deliberate about. With said options open, one can decide which option to take

in controlling the feelings.

4. What should I do to control this feeling?

Lastly, one comes to taking action in controlling one’s feelings. Do

they carry on? Should they stop feeling like so? They then decide what to do.

For the most part, the best possible outcome is the aim, but sometimes what

they get is enough to satisfy the need to regulate emotions. In spite of that, it is

already a helpful addition in dealing with feelings involved in people-pleasing.

Discernment. By being aware of the situations, one knows what the

circumstances call for. They can distinguish when people become too manipulative.

Once someone uses the superior-to-inferior form of communication inappropriately

on them, they can assert and tell others that they are stepping out of line (Carter, 150).

By making mindful decisions and being aware of the effects of one’s actions, one can

be disciplined enough to engage not in self-sacrifice but in differentiating it from

healthy people-pleasing through discernment. We answer two questions here, namely:

1. “When to stop?”
 Since people-pleasing is natural, it is imperative to know when to stop

with it? It falls to one’s discretion whether they should stop or continue.

How much is too much people-pleasing? Judging the right amount of when

it is still healthy as to when pleasing other people is a burden leaves a person

thinking. There is no set amount by which they have to go on, much like

there are only subjective symptoms to excessive people pleasing. It also

brings about a challenge which relates to other people as well since saying

no potentially affects rapport between people and people-pleasers. This

complexity really begs the questions further. There is this divide between

two clashing interests of people-pleasing and self-preservation, albeit with

overlapping interests. It, then, begs the following question: “When to carry

on?”

2. “When to carry on?”

Since there are overlaps in multiple parameters, a viable question to

replace “When to stop?” is when to carry on. It is due to a difficulty in

stopping at a number of risks. Although stopping people pleasing is a very

important thing to do, knowing when to go on shows strength and a good

grasp of one’s circumstances. As much as stopping people-pleasing is good, it

is still important to see that there are still pros to this. Pleasing people can act

as a mutual support mechanism among other benefits.

​ fter gaining discernment, one becomes more empowered to say “no”.

Self-assertion. A

This self-assertion comes with the ability to keep relationships intact due to awareness

regarding others.
 Are you sick of excessively satisfying others? Do you have the people-please disease?

Fear not, for mindfulness is the pill trusted by many. Take it regularly, and you will be cured

in no time. Side effects may include but are not limited to: awareness with regards to one’s

feelings and peers, control over feelings as well as people-pleasing instances, and

discernment of whether or not to stop pleasing others.

 Works Cited

Beard, Laurie. “A Message for the People-Pleasers: You are not Helping Anyone.” ​Elephant

Journal, ​30 May 2016, https://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/05/a-message-to-the-

people-pleasers-you-are-not-helping-anyone/

Carter, Christine. “Why it Doesn’t Pay to be a People Pleaser.” ​HuffPost, 6​ Dec. 2017,

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-it-doesnt-pay-to-be-a_n_11878122. Accessed 5

April 2019.

Carter, Les. ​When Pleasing You Is Killing Me: a Workbook.​ B & H Publishing Group, 2007.

Fine, Micki. ​The Need to Please: Mindfulness Skills to Gain Freedom from People Pleasing

and Approval Seeking.​ New Harbinger Publications, 2013.

Imafidon, Casey. “8 Reasons You Should Never Hold Back Your Opinions.” ​Lifehack,

https://www.lifehack.org/287161/8-reasons-you-should-never-hold-back-your-opinio

ns. Accessed 5 April 2019.

Newman, Susan, and Cristina Schreil. ​The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It -- And Mean It

and Stop People-Pleasing Forever.​ 2nd ed., Turner Publishing Company, 2017.

“The Origins of People Pleasing + Three Reasons to Stop.” ​Gemma Stone,​ 2 Feb. 2019,

gemmastone.org/the-origins-of-people-pleasing-three-reasons-to-stop/?fbclid=IwAR1

uTcwwlbrNE_PtfHFsu8wkZewVV5IY10zq1DIJTVz2vMzgmKb2aQIkHIo.