Solo Retreat Notes Feb 2019

30-Day Solo Retreat Notes
Feb-Mar 2019
"If the doors of perception were cleansed everything would appear to a man as it is, infinite."
— William Blake
“Ana'l-Haqq! Ana'l-Haqq!” (I am God! I am God!)
— Mansur Al-Hallaj
Ideas here are presented raw, unpolished, and half-baked, trying to stay true to how I experienced
things.
 These are some of the highest teachings, the deepest insights mankind has. To understand what is
written here will require a typical human 40 years of hardcore meditative practice — and even
then, you will still likely not understand everything said here. Keep in mind that this is radically
advanced stuff, totally beyond the ego-mind's ability to accept or understand. These teachings are
the equivalent of enrolling in the most advanced college calculus class. It requires an deep
foundation of psychological, philosophical, and spiritual inquiry and research.
 If all of this sounds like too much for you, you probably should just forget all this and go do some
basic self-help for 5 or 10 years. Then come back. Most people are not equipped to comprehend
what is said in this document. Only a tiny number of human beings on the entire planet will
understand what is said here. That’s just how it must be given the enormity of what reality is.
 Awakening is deeper than I ever thought, imagined, or previously experienced.
 The highest teaching is:
o 1) You are God & 2) God is infinite & 3) God is nothingness
 Infinite power
 Infinite intelligence
 Infinite goodness
 Infinite love
 Infinite creativity
 Eternal
 Infinite fractal
 Infinite pure consciousness
 Infinite selflessness
 Absolute Truth
 To be fully woke is to realize all the above and have it be a part of your living daily
experience.
o You are NOT just a part of God, you are God, period.
 I am now suspicious of any nondual teachings which do not explicitly call out the existence of God,
or that you are God. They are either not the highest teachings or they are playing coy or humble.
There is no need to be falsely humble. God is real and you are God. This is as simple, clear, and
accurate a description of awakening as it gets. Let's not beat around the bush.
Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

 If a spiritual teacher or teaching is not telling you that you are God, they are either not fully awoke
or they are play coy (because they had to deal with the practical reality that you will think they are
crazy).
 If a spiritual teacher does not talk about "infinity" or use the word "infinity" you should be
suspicious of their teachings as they are not the highest teachings. It is impossible to understand
what reality is without understanding what infinity it. The two are identical. The ultimate nature of
reality is infinity. Which is also the ultimate nature of God.
 Many spiritual teachers who I looked up to and thought were fully awake, I now suspect are not
fully awake. But I cannot know for sure and I don't want to speculate or slander. This doesn't make
them bad, or wrong, or liars. It just means that full awakening is very difficult and very rare. Don't
just assume your teacher, guru, or master is fully awake. You have to grill them on the degree of
their awakening (which they will not take kindly to) and the deeper problem is, as an unawakened
student you are in a terrible position to evaluate the degree of wakefulness of teachers. Hence so
much misunderstanding, debate, and confusion. Hence so few people fully awaken.
 The easiest way to determine if someone is fully awake is to ask them:
o What is God? Are you God? How does God create?
o Why does anything exist at all?
o Why is reality the way that it is?
o If they do not have clear, precisely answers to all of these questions, be very suspicious. If
they try to dismiss these questions as invalid or impossible to answer, be very suspicious. If
they try to dismiss these questions as part of the ego-mind's desire to know, be very
suspicious. These questions have real answers.
 If a person/teacher objects to the use of the word "God" on the grounds that it's too religious or
unnecessary, they are clearly not fully awake. With full awakening, God is the only correct word
for what is happening.
 There is WAY more to enlightenment/awakening than the realization of no-self.
o The realization of no-self is peanuts compared to the full realization of God.
o Be wary of Neo-Advaita teachers who make enlightenment/awakening seem too simple, too
one-dimensional, too binary. That's probably because they themselves have only reached
the first steps so its seems simple, one-dimensional, and binary to them. Awakening is NOT
binary. It comes in many degrees and flavors.
 Nothing & Everything are identical. Total nonduality is the ultimate Truth. Any teaching which has
even the tiniest whiff of duality to it is not the highest teaching.
o If a teaching holds that God is separate from its Creation/The Universe, it is not the highest
teaching.
o If a teaching holds that Nothingness is separate from Creation/The Universe, it is not the
highest teaching.
o If a teaching holds that the Godhead is separate from Creation/The Universe, it is not the
highest teaching.
 Everything is Consciousness. Consciousness is nothing. There is nothing outside of consciousness.
Consciousness is the substrate of anything that is, has been, will be, or can be.
o Consciousness is not produced by the brain.
o Consciousness is not a biological phenomenon.
o Consciousness is infinite. Consciousness is scale-invariant and subdivides itself infinitely,
forever.
o Consciousness has infinite power and infinite intelligence.
o Consciousness is God.

o Consciousness is singular and total. There is nothing outside of it because it is the entire
possibility space of existence.
 God is infinite in all directions, in all dimensions. This is too staggering for the mind to imagine.
 God is precisely an infinite sentient fractal. Every object is a universe unto itself. Take a look at any
object in the room you're sitting in — take a chair, take a pen, take a lamp, take a dust particle
floating through the air — it is a universe unto itself. It has infinite depth and structure. It
subdivides forever and ever. Every object has infinite depth, infinite detail, infinite subdivision.
"Human perception" is actually has infinite resolution. Because it's not really "human" at all, it is
infinite consciousness. If this seems physically impossible to you, that's because you're still
thinking about this from the materialist paradigm, which is wrong.
 No object is too small, too mundane, or too trivial for God's consideration. In its grand design God
doesn't just take into account humans and animals, or plants and bacteria — God takes into
account every atom in every grain of sand on every beach on every planet in every solar system in
every galaxy in an infinite number of universes and dimensions! Really! Take this possibility
seriously. You must train yourself to stop seeing the universe from the human perspective — as if
the universe only revolves around humans. No! God is not biased or partial. God doesn't play
favorites. God creates from the highest to the lowest. God puts as much effort and care into
creating a pile of dog shit as it does into creating your heart and brain. Because in the end, it all
must seamlessly interconnect. Consider the following possibility seriously: 1) there cannot be a
universe without exquisitely designed dog shit, and 2) the design of a piece of dog shit requires
infinite intelligence. Seriously! The most intelligent human is not intelligent enough to design a
piece of dog shit — that's how intelligent the design is.
 God is pure infinity. It is everywhere and nowhere. God is pure Void.
 There is no such thing as non-existence. There is only existence. If an object, as we commonly say,
"does not exist" — like for example a unicorn or a coffee pot on top of your head right now —
then what that is is not non-existence, that's existence! It exists as its absence. Your head without
a coffee pot on top of it is what's existing. The non-existent coffee pot is something you're imaging
— which is a thought which is also existing! So any way you slice it there is only existence and no
non-existence. Non-existence itself is an imaginary concept which exists (as an image in your
mind)! When the image in your mind of non-existence disappears, non-existence disappears and
only existence remains. What is non-existence? It's something you imagine.
o Before the Big Bang there was existence: the existence of no-Big Bang (and whatever that
entailed).
o Nothingness exists. Do not confuse Nothingness with non-existence. Nothingness is pure
existence.
 God is a disincarnate intelligence.
 Everything that happens is the will of God, down to the tiniest of trivial details. God is being all
things. The universe is the body-mind of God. If it is happening, God is willing it into existence.
 God has unlimited power. The significance of this cannot be overstated. Unlimited power means
that there is nothing outside of God to stop it so it can literally be anything and do anything
whatsoever. This means it can create entire universes out of thin air, just sort of thinking them up.
For God, thinking and being are identical. There is zero separation between what God thinks, wills,
creates, and is.
o Ask yourself this: what would you create if you had unlimited power? What would you
create if you could create absolutely anything? You would create the infinitely best creation
possible. You would channel your infinite power for the greatest good of all. You would
create an infinitely beautiful, infinitely good, infinitely detailed creation — which,
astoundingly, is precisely the reality we inhabit! Watch out! You might be tempted to think,

"But our reality has so many flaws. If reality is infinitely good, beautiful, and intelligent how
come my dog died when I was a kid? How come people get sick? How come there is war and
mass shootings? How come there are dictators and corrupt people? etc." But in thinking this
way you are judging God's creation based on a very narrow, very limited selfish perspective.
What you're not understanding is that a design's quality must be assessed in total. For
example, in evaluating the quality of the design of a car, it's not enough to look at one part
like the engine and complain: "But the engine is noisy. Why can't the engine be silent and
give 1000 miles per gallon fuel efficiency?" It can't do that because there are hundreds of
hidden variables you aren't considering. Variables like the weight and cost of gasoline, the
size and cost of the car, the laws of thermodynamics, and how all the parts of the car fit
together. Perhaps it might even be possible to make a silent car which gives 1000 miles per
gallon, but this car would cost so much money to produce that no average person would be
able to afford it, and so therefore that would be an inferior design. You might object: "But
why can't God just change the laws of thermodynamics so make silent cars which give 1000
miles per gallon possible?" The answer is: Because God's concern is for the SUM TOTAL of
Creation, not just fulfilling your personal wishes and needs. If God changed the laws of
thermodynamics to suit you (which God can do), it would not suit many other beings,
creatures, things. From your limited perspective it might appear that reality can be
improved upon (for you), but in actuality it cannot if what you're considering is the SUM
TOTAL good of the entire universe. You might complain, for example, that reality isn't Good
or Perfect because there is murder. You might think, an all-powerful, intelligent, and loving
God would never even create the possibility of murder. But your thinking here is myopic and
selfish. In truth, the design of the reality is so delicate, complex, and counter-intuitive that
disallowing murder would actually make for a WORSE overall design! You see, giving
creatures freedom and autonomy is very important in the big picture. If God made murder
physically impossible this would reduce the overall Goodness and effectiveness of the
design. Without murder, how could a wolf survive? It needs to eat rabbits! Without murder,
how could a dictator be overthrown? You see? By myopically trying to remove murder you
would eliminate the possibility of all life in the universe! It's not enough that you have good
intentions as the designer — to actualize that goodness you must also have the ability to see
many moves ahead. In fact, you must be able to see an infinite number of moves ahead to
make sure that any design change actually makes the SUM TOTAL of the universe better
rather than worse. Remember, God's design is not here to maximize your personal pleasure.
It's easy to think that God is somehow flawed because he didn't create a reality in which you
are being personally pleasured by ten different perfectly flawless sexual partners from
morning to night. But again, this is an extremely myopic and selfish perspective. Again, the
quality of a design must take into account ALL variables, ALL parts. As a human being which
is one infinitesimally tiny part of the sum total that is reality, you lack the perspective so see
how God has perfectly balanced Creation such that an infinite number of parts all work well
with each other, giving each other room to breathe and move, so to speak. You must
understand that reality is a singular infinite ecosystem. All parts of reality — every atom,
every cell, every pimple, every hair, every dust particle — must be accounted for it. It all has
to work together. Anyone who has ever designed anything — like a model car, a Lego castle,
a website, a piece of software, a piece of music, a poem, a painting, a recipe, an electronic
gadget, or a wedding — knows that everything must be coordinated to work well together.
Any professional designer understands this and appreciates how difficult it is to do. But
those are all limited, finite design problems. That's easy compared to what God must do.
Imagine creating an infinite design with infinite moving parts, infinite variables, to

accommodate infinite sentient beings. That is God's design challenge! The only way God is
able to solve this design challenge is because it has infinite intelligence and infinite power.
For God, it's totally effortless and easy. And the end result is what we call reality/universe.
To see the infinite harmony, beauty, and perfection of God's design requires that you take
an infinite perspective. To evaluate the quality of God's design you must take into account
an infinite number of variables. Or you must have a very deep awakening.
o God has infinite perspective. If you had infinite perspective you would clearly see that God's
creation is infinitely Good, infinitely Beautiful, infinitely Intelligent, and absolutely Perfect.
Reality is literally heaven, but in order to see it and feel it as such you must completely step
outside the ego-mind.
 Every moment is eternal, existing for eternity.
 Is the universe designed? Yes! Who designed it? A disincarnate infinite intelligence. How is this
possible? Because there are no limits, anything is possible, so of all the possibilities, God
actualized the highest Good. Why would God be good and not evil? Because when you are all-
powerful and infinitely intelligent you will never be evil, you will be purely good. Intelligence and
Goodness go hand in hand. Evil is a lack of intelligence. But since God is infinitely intelligent it
cannot be evil. When you are fully conscious the need for doing evil completely vanishes because
with full consciousness you clearly see that you have nothing to gain or lose. There is nothing God
could gain from doing evil so it has no need for doing evil. Evil arises when there is an ego which
clings and has something to lose (namely, its life). But since God is eternal and Nothingness, it
cannot lose anything.
o All of this you can become directly conscious of. These are not my speculations, theories, or
beliefs. I am explaining here the very mechanism of how and why God creates reality.
 Is there anything random in the universe? No. But isn't there randomness in quantum mechanics?
No! The randomness in quantum mechanics is due to us not having powerful enough instruments
to see what is really going on at the sub-atomic level. Scientists cannot look that deep with
enough precision so what they do is collide particles and measure gross averages. Imagine if you
were so far way from the Earth that you could not discern in detail what individual humans are
doing and why they are doing it, all you could do was measure the average temperature of the
entire planet. To you, the activity of 7 billion humans would be averaged into a single number
which fluctuated seemingly randomly up and down. You would know nothing about how a single
mother driving her child to school contributes to the temperature of the entire planet. Or a billion
other such factors. You might even be able to articulate some accurate "laws" about how the
temperature of Earth varies. These laws would be accurate because they are based on gross
average trends. You might be able to formulate a law such as this: The more humans are on the
planet, the higher the temperate of the planet tend to get. This is how quantum science works.
The virtual particle soup from which all matter arises is not random at all, the details of the soup
are simply too staggering to calculate, track, simulate, or tease apart in detail.
o Einstein was right: God does not play dice. It doesn't need to because it's infinitely powerful
and infinitely intelligent. Why would it do anything randomly or willy-nilly? Think about it, if
you were designing a highly sophisticated and sensitive piece of equipment on which lives
depend — like a jumbo jet or a space ship — would you leave any mechanical parts of the
system random? No. If you had infinite power and infinite intelligence you would design
everything down to the last atom. Of course a human can't do that, but God can.
 God is not hiding anywhere. The thing behind your eyes (nothingness) is God! You are God at all
times! But you're probably not conscious of it. God is the clear light of awareness within you (and
also every object taking place within that infinite field of awareness).

 There are many degrees of consciousness/awareness, many degrees of awakening, many different
kinds of mystical states, experiences, and realizations. Very, very few gurus and teachers are fully
awake. Most have some genuine degree of higher consciousness or have had some genuine
mystical experiences, but they are not fully awake to themselves as God. They are not conscious
of how they create all of reality and why all of reality is precisely as it is. They are not aware of
their infinite power as God.
o For any person claiming to be awake or enlightened, the question must always be: what are
you conscious of? Describe what you're conscious of in full detail. Don't be coy, don't play
games, don't be humble. Tell us exactly what you are conscious of — because there are so
many degrees and so many aspects of God which you could easily be ignorant of.
o Anyone claiming that there is only one awakening or enlightenment and nothing more to
awaken to beyond that is wrong. Such people have only seen the tip of the iceberg. Most so
called "enlightened" people are of this sort. Such people are like astronauts who've reached
the end of our solar system (let's say Pluto) and say, "Well, that's it. We did it! We're
reached the end. We've seen all there is too see of outer space." When in fact there are 100
billion more solar systems in our galaxy alone, and 100 billion galaxies in the known
universe.
o The trouble is that every awakening (even the initial shallow ones) feels so deep, total, and
amazing that it's easy to prematurely conclude: "That's all there is. Surely this must be it.
This must be what the Buddha was talking about." But there's more! Keep going. You
haven't even realized 1% of what the Buddha was talking about. Remember, it is the nature
of every awakening that it feels total, final, and complete. Don't be fooled by this. Keep
digging deeper. The paradox is that there are greater degrees of completeness.
o You see the epistemic problem here? How do you know how deep the Buddha (or any other
master) went? How do you know which aspects he awoke to and which ones he
overlooked? You don't! That's the point. You assume you understand what the Buddha (or
some enlightened master) was talking about, but the fact is you don't know that what you
think they were talking about is actually what they were talking about. Whatever awakening
you've had is not necessarily what they were talking about. They might have been pointing
to something yet deeper of which you are still unaware. For those of you who consider
yourselves awake, how do you know there's not something yet deeper, or some aspect you
overlooked? You don't! So be very careful assuming you've reached the end because you
probably haven't. Your mind will play tricks on you in this process. If you haven't had 5, 10,
or 20 awakenings, you're nowhere near done yet.
o Not all spiritual teachings are the same. Not all enlightened masters are equally
enlightened/woke/conscious. Total awakening is extremely, extremely rare. Most spiritual
teachers do not teach the highest truth. There are many minor versions of awakening and
mystical experiences which are commonly mistaken for total awakening.
o Have I reached total awakening? I don't think so. Word "total" becomes moot after you have
20 "total" awakenings, each one more total than the last. Where does it end? I don't know.
 What is death? There is no death because everything exists eternally, unbound by time. Time is a
limited, conceptual construction of the ego-mind. Every moment of every being's life has existed
and will continue to exist as if in suspended animation for eternity. Do you remember your first
day of school? Where did that moment go? It seems to have vanished, to have died. Nope! It
exists eternally. Every moment exists eternally. Imagine that reality is like a single physical object
which exists outside of time and space. Time and space are aspects of the object, not something
the object is bounded by. A helpful analogy here is that of a film reel. Within the world of the film,

time seems to flow in one direction and every frame of the film appears to arise and disappear
sequentially. But in actuality, every frame of the film exists all at once! Reality is like that.
 5-MeO-DMT is the ultimate awakening tool. Let's stop beating around the bush. No other
technique, method, or teaching is as direct, deep, or powerful. Not meditation, not yoga, not
contemplation, not self-inquiry, not any other psychedelic. 5-MeO-DMT is the guru. No guru can
do for you what 5-MeO-DMT can do for you. If Christ or the Buddha came back to life and
personally taught you one-on-one for 10 years, they would not be as effective as a few doses of 5-
MeO-DMT. That's a bold claim. Yet it's undeniably true for anyone who seriously experiments with
5-MeO-DMT. 5-MeO-DMT will not solve all of your growth challenges, it may not even
permanently awaken you, but it can lead you to super-human levels of awakening if you use it
properly — and I emphasize PROPERLY!
o No other psychedelic even comes close to the clarity of 5-MeO-DMT. Not mushrooms, not
LSD, not DMT, not MDMA, not ayahuasca. Forget all of that. All of that is child's play
compared to 5-MeO-DMT. 5-MeO-DMT is pure, total consciousness — if you are prepared
to stomach what it can show you.
o I have done over 30 breakthrough 5-MeO-DMT trips and they still keep getting deeper and
deeper. So don't think that by doing 1-5 trips you've reached the end. You've barely begun
to awaken. Keep going deeper!
o The best way to consume/dose 5-MeO-DMT is rectally. This is the perfect method. Stop
using other methods. All you need to do is to master this one method. And it's not hard to
master.
o Stop using other psychedelics. 5-MeO-DMT is the only one you need. If you're a newbie then
other psychedelics are still valuable to get your feet wet and to prepare you for the ultimate
mindfuck of 5-MeO-DMT. Or if you're just interested in experimentation, then other
psychedelics could be of interest to you. But when it comes the matter of awakening, 5-
MeO-DMT is all you need. Keep it simple stupid. Do what is best. Don't waste time with
second-rate psychedelics.
o I cannot stress enough the importance of proper usage. There is an enormous difference
between how 5-MeO-DMT can be used. If you use it sloppily, you will get no results or even
bad results. If you use it carefully, methodically, and properly, it will transform your entire
life. (Note: some people seem to be immune to 5-MeO-DMT. This may be due to not having
the right genetics or brain type. Or maybe they just aren't using it properly or enough. Or
maybe they just aren't interested in awakening so nothing happens. Nothing in the world
has the power to awaken you if you have no desire to awaken. There is no cure for lack of
metaphysical curiosity. Or maybe they are just psychological unprepared for it.)
o The best way to trip is indoors, in a totally controlled environment, solo, in total silence,
sitting as still as possible for as much of the trip as possible. Movement and the presence of
other people will disrupt your trip. This is not to say that you should never trip with other
people or outdoors. That can be valuable too. But solo tripping indoors is where the serious
work happens. Indoors is important because it allows you to maintain full control of your
environment, thus minimizing distractions and discomforts. Your job is to fully focus on
what the substance is trying to show you.
o Never, ever take 5-MeO-DMT with food in your stomach. Wait at least 4 hours after a meal
before taking 5-MeO-DMT. On days when you plan to take 5-MeO-DMT, keep your meals as
light and healthy as possible. No heavy food, no greasy food, no junk food. If you are hungry,
drink some fresh fruit/vegetable fruit up to 1 hour before your trip. The last hour before
your trip is most critical. It is best not to eat anything at all.

o Unlike most psychedelics 5-MeO-DMT has virtually zero tolerance build up. Which means
you can take it daily or even twice a day. This makes it possible to create a powerful 5-MeO-
DMT retreat, where you do it every day for a week straight or more. This is ideal for when
you want to get some serious consciousness work done. It is not addictive and not physically
damaging when done in moderate doses (10-30mg range is physically safe).
o Insights from 5-MeO-DMT tend to recede into memory very quickly. Your state will drop
because it’s such a crazy high state. So be sure to write down your insights for your own
benefit after your trip is over. But also, just because you forget the details of the insight/trip
doesn't mean it didn't alter your psyche and way of being in a permanent way. It did at least
a little bit. Don't expect to retain the crazy high consciousness of the trip's peak. It will pass
and you will drop back down into ego and duality. Expect this or you might deluded yourself.
Other practices will be necessary to raise your baseline level of consciousness. The role of 5-
MeO-DMT is to give you crazy high peak experience which leave you shaken to the core.
Such peaks would be very hard to access any other way.
o People simply have no clue what they are missing with rectal 5-MeO-DMT. No clue! It's
impossibly good.
 Total metaphysical understanding of reality/existence/The Universe and God is possible. Don't let
anyone convince you otherwise or dissuade you from FULL, TOTAL understanding. It is possible to
become 100% directly conscious of why reality exists, what it is, how it works, and your role in it.
 You created the entire universe!
 People just assume that God automatically knows himself, but it's not so simple. People don't
think this through. Think about it this way, if there was a God, how would he come to know
himself? By what process? You'd figure at some point in his history he would have to say, "What
am I? Oh, right, I'm God! Duh!" Supposedly this moment of self-recognition would have to happen
to God at least once in his existence for him to know he's God. Otherwise he would be God but
not know it! Well… the moment you become enlightened will be that very moment. Ta-da!
 Every movement of the universe, down to the last hair, cell, atom, and quark is the movement and
creation of God. God did not create the universe a long, long time ago. God is creating the
universe every millisecond as though for the first time. For example, every muscle movement in
your hand is created by God as your hand moves to scratch your nose.
 God/The Universe is an infinite fractal. Go on YouTube and search "fractal zoom" videos. That's a
tiny, tiny version of what the room is that you're sitting in right now. Unlike those fractal zoom
videos the actual 3D universe is infinite in all directions and all ways.
o Cats chase rats. Coyotes chase cats. Man chases coyotes. Tigers chase man. And on and on
the fractal chain goes to infinity through infinite dimensions. Notice the logic and structure
of reality. It's a set of infinite nested unfolding parts. It's telescoping, like an infinite car
antenna or tripod leg. What scientists call "evolution" is this telescoping aspect of the
fractal, and they are so clueless as to limit it only to realm of biology. Ha! Evolution is
EVERYWHERE! Every movement of every atom in the universe is evolution! Biology is but
one instance of it. Biology as a field itself evolved out of physical science, which evolved out
of natural philosophy, which evolved out of ancient Roman philosophers, which evolved out
of ancient Athenian philosophers, which evolved out of ancient Mesopotamian philosophers
and ancient Egyptian philosophers, and on and on it goes back to our chimp-like ancestors,
the dinosaurs, and so on to infinity. The Big Bang itself was just an evolutionary byproduct of
some other thing.
 Alan Watts put it well when he said that reality is a game of hide-and-seek that God is play with
itself. Since God is all-knowing and all-powerful and exists for eternity it becomes too easy and too
boring to just sit around and be straight-forward. So God cuts parts of itself off from infinite

knowing and infinite consciousness so that it can experience itself from a non-total perspective.
It's just like playing a video game: you don't want the player character to be too overpowered
because then the game becomes so easy it loses all meaning and appeal. If you're a gamer have
you noticed that "God-mode" cheats in a video game ruin the whole game? Like if you're playing
SimCity and you start the game off by using a cheat code to give yourself infinite money, the
whole game is broken. Or if you're in Super Mario World and you give yourself infinite lives, all the
tension is gone and the game becomes boring. Or if you're a fan of novels, imagine if you had
instant total knowledge of all novels ever written. What would be the point of reading them? The
mystery, fun, and suspense would be ruined. Don't you wish you could go back and re-watch your
favorite movies and replay your favorite video games again without the memory of having every
played them? The best games, movies, and novels are ruined by too much information. Spoiler
alert: You created the whole universe!
 Everything that happens is the will of God. God's will is infinite. Which means that literally
anything it wills comes instantly into being. Entire universes can be materialized at will. That's
what "unlimited" or "infinite" means! It's truly, truly unlimited! The impossible becomes possible.
Unlimited means nothing is impossible. Try to consider this possibility seriously.
o Liberation comes from the realization that the universe is unlimited. Nothing is impossible.
Nothing is denied to us. We can have it ALL! You just need to realize that you are the
universe and why the universe must be unlimited. When you put those two realizations
together you get heaven and pure bliss. There is nothing more you could want beyond the
unlimited.
 God is so infinitely selfless that it gives itself TOTALLY to the project of Creation such that God
cannot be easily seen. God is like a brilliant painter who's so good, so selfless, and so humble that
he refuses to even write his name in tiny letters on the back of his painting because it would
lessen his art, making it less pure.
 If you want to align with God and God-consciousness you must become selfless. Your self is the
entry cost. The thing keeping you from alignment with God is your attachment and desire to be a
self and to have self-needs and self-wants. Surrendering your self is of course the most difficult
thing in world for you to do, because you think you're a self. It is utterly counter-intuitive for a self
to surrender itself. Even in the surrendering process you're bound to ask, "But what will I get out
of this?" But that just underscores how utterly selfish you are. You even seek selflessness with
selfish motive! In answer to your question, what you get out of selflessness is selflessness. Ta-da!
 I am conscious that I am God, but at the same time I am also still a human self with selfish and
petty needs, desires, and bad habits. Monkey mind is still an issue. I still get annoyed, frustrated,
anxious, and bored. Changing that is possible, but it will take lots of work, training, and further
awakenings. Be careful assuming that awakening will make you perfect and Godlike. You are still
human and you still have a lifetime of karma and bad habits to undo. And you still have survival
needs so long as you have a body. You cannot totally neglect your survival needs as long as you're
alive. Drop your fantasies and idealizations of enlightenment as the perfection of your humanness.
Being a human is petty and dirty business. Being a living being is petty and dirty business. Survival
is a petty and dirty business.
 If you had infinite power and infinite intelligence what kind of creation would you make? Think
about it. It would be infinitely Good. The impulse to create a "bad" creation only comes out of
limitation. If you truly had no limits, you would be infinitely Good. You are only "bad" because you
feel limited. If you hate yourself or the world, it's only because you feel limited. But God is
unlimited so it doesn't suffer from that problem. It hates nothing.

 Awakening is not solipsism or nihilism because solipsism and nihilism don't understand that you
are God and that reality is divine. Neither solipsism nor nihilism realize the unlimited power,
intelligence, and goodness of God.
 If the beauty of nature, biology, animals, plants, or outer space has always amazed you, that's
because you are noticing a tiny portion of the infinite intelligence of God's design — follow that
feeling of wonder and awe, it will surely lead to God realization. God is that, times infinity.
 A really key part of learning is experimentation. You need to experiment more.
 A really key part of personal growth is taking long stretches of silent, undisturbed time off.
Without that, it's really hard to grow because you are too immersed in mundane life, which carries
you along like a massive rushing river. A major problem in today's society is that finding such
silent, undisturbed time to yourself is practically very challenging — especially so for successful
people. Our most successful, ambitious, creative, and intelligent people hardly get any silent,
undisturbed time off. This is why wisdom, growth, consciousness, and emotional mastery is so
rare. One of the major problems with a capitalist society is that it does not allow most people to
have this time to themselves because they have to keep working non-stop to pay the bills and
they only get 2-3 weeks of vacation. This is grossly inadequate for personal development. In a
more conscious society everyone would be given 3 months off out of the year for personal
development, learning, meditation, psychedelics, rest, travel, family, relationships, art, etc. But
look how far we are away from that.
o If you are serious about personal development and raising your consciousness you must
design your career/job/business in such a way that you have lots of free time to yourself.
This is not at all easy to do for most people. For most people this is impossible. That's
because you haven't invested the time and energy designing your career in this way. It takes
some real strategy and planning, but it's so worth it. This is one of the most important
practical logistical pieces of the personal development puzzle. Do whatever it takes to put it
into place in your life. Guard your free time like a dog.
o You need time for solo retreats every year. Ideally you'd take two 30-day solo retreats per
year at least. If you can do that, your growth with increase by a factor of 5 or 10. It's that
important!
 Every object has an infinite chain of causes. Really, take some time to comprehend the enormity
of this. Pick any object, no matter how small, and inspect it closely. For example, take a stray piece
of hair you find on your shirt. Where did this hair come from? What caused this hair to be here
now? Let's say it came from your cat. Okay, but where did the cat get it? It grew it. But what
caused that? Thousands/millions of cells in the cat's skin. But what caused those? Some DNA
code. But what caused that? The cat's mother and father. But what caused those? A long chain of
hundreds of generations of mother and father cats. And what caused that? Humans bred wild cats
to be small and docile. And what caused that? Etc, etc. On and on the chain of causes goes all the
way back to the beginning of the Big Bang. But that's still only the tip of the iceberg. The causes
for every object in the universe are in fact infinite. The causes are also not linear. That stray hair
ended up on your shirt because of many other factors we haven't mentioned: the food you feed
your cat, the direction of the air conditioning and air circulation in your house, your decision to
buy that cat 10 years ago, your decision to pet the cat today, the cat's decision to rub up against
you to entice you to pet it, the type of fabric your shirt is made out of, the people in a factory
somewhere in Bangladesh who stitched together your shirt, the fashion designer in NYC who
designed the shirt, the cotton farmer who grew the cotton for your shirt, etc, etc. On and on the
chain goes back to the Big Bang and beyond. So every object is the center point of an infinite web
of causes which lead to its creation. This entire infinite chain of causes is not random or arbitrary,
it was designed and selected for by infinite intelligence. Now multiply the infinite web of causes

for this one object — this stray cat hair — by all the other objects that exist in the universe and
their corresponding infinite webs of causes. So we have an infinite number of webs times an
infinite number of webs all perfectly and seamlessly interconnected with one another to create a
seamless whole, an infinite harmonious ecosystem. This infinite ecosystem IS identical to God. It is
both the mind and the body of God. God is all of it and at the same time distinct from all of it.
 The universe is heaven. You're in heaven ALL THE TIME! — you just aren't conscious of it and you
cling to certain parts of it without allowing yourself to experience the fullness of it
 Every point within reality is its center because that is the nature of infinity. Wherever you are,
whatever you are doing, whenever you are, you are smack dab in the middle, at the center of this
infinite singularity. Reality has no end. It extends out in infinite dimensions and directions from
whatever point you find yourself in right now. In the same way that any point in a fractal is equally
far away from its beginning and end. Because it has no beginning or end! That's what endless or
infinite means!
o Empedocles put it exactly right: "God is a circle whose center is everywhere and its
circumference nowhere." This is precisely correct.
 Our universe — our Big Bang — is like one tiny atom out of a trillion other atoms making up a cell
in some wriggling sardine that a mother bird has just caught and is now feeding to her hatchling
for dinner. Of course it's not exactly that, but something like that because every part of reality is
infinitely nested. The trillions of cells making up "your" body know nothing of you or the Earth or
the Milky Way galaxy. Every part of reality is an infinitely small pawn in some greater part, and
simultaneously even the smallest and most trivial-seeming parts — like a single hair or a dust
particle — are themselves the grand culmination of an infinite chain of smaller parts. So the our
Big Bang might be as trivial from a higher perspective as a particle of dust caught in some giant's
nose, causing him to sneeze. And while this might sound like we humans and our Big Bang is
trivial, actually it puts everything on the same level. To God, even the most trivial detail is
important because it must fit seamlessly into the Grand Infinite Design. No part is too trivial for
God — not even a dust particle in some giant's nose. That one particle might make the difference
between whether that giant sneezes into the face of some dignitary at some diplomatic
negotiation which could lead to the start of a war which could end in millions of lost lives and
change the entire course of giant-history. Every piece — no matter how trivial it seems to you
from your level — is important. To us humans certain things seem trivial, like dust particles and
stray hairs, because they are trivial for our purposes of survival.
 There never was a self! I am EVERYTHING! There never was a human self.
 It's not that thinking is bad, it's that thinking needs to be properly aligned with Truth.
 The reason I think so much is because I'm trying to develop a vocabulary and a system of
explanations/teachings which I can later use to properly teach/explain/disseminate the Truth of
God to people and help reform society. This thinking can easily appear as "monkey mind" but that
term is too dismissive and derogatory. Certainly I need to train to still and concentrate my mind
more. But I also shouldn't beat myself up too much for the thinking that I do because it's got a
higher purpose. You cannot teach this stuff well without thinking it through carefully.
 Today I became acutely conscious of how I am so dishonest and inauthentic, and how I lie all the
time. The lies are usually not black and white, but extremely subtle & crafty. They are more like
forms of manipulation, avoidance, exaggeration, and shaping appearances to suit the ego. I
became acutely conscious that these lies, this dishonesty, this inauthenticity is a major thing which
holds me back from full enlightenment. It's not enough to be conscious of God/Truth, I need a
radical transformation of my psyche and personality. My ego is too big, too dishonest, too
inauthentic to fully carry God. I am too impure. Lying happens for only one reason: fear. Lying is
done purely for survival. Telling the truth is dangerous and audacious. It easily could get one killed.

To be really honest one has to be fearless, which of course becomes easier and easier with less
and less ego to protect. The ego is full of lies, deceptions, manipulation, and delusions which it
does not want to surrender. So being more honest and authentic, especially when it is scary and
the stakes are high, is a tool for self-purification and embodiment of God. To really fulfill my
mission I have so much inner work to do. I must become A LOT more authentic and honest —
uncomfortably so. I don't want to do it, but I must.
 The True Self — my true self — is distinct from all form. It is nothingness or pure consciousness
without content. It is the only permanent thing, since all forms arise and fall away.
 An awakening/enlightenment experience is not the same thing as liberation. Liberation is much,
much harder. Liberation means to be so radically transformed by the Truth that you live as God all
the time. This requires a transformation of one's entire psyche/mind and even the body. There are
energetic components to liberation and there is the surrender of one's entire life/mind to the will
of God. To be liberated is to live as God all the time. This is WAY beyond what an few awakening
experiences or insights will produce. How to attain liberation is still yet to be fully understood by
me. I have a basic idea, but the details need working out. There is also the need to make a firm
decision about whether I really want to pursue liberation, because this will have serious
consequences for my life. I hesitate. Liberation is not for everyone and it is not to be taken lightly.
Only the most hardcore spiritual seekers should pursue liberation. Liberation is not a mainstream
idea nor should it be advocated to every random fool on Youtube. Only those of the highest
wisdom will choose liberation.
 I prefer the word "awakening" to "enlightenment". Awakening feels more accurate. It's an
awakening to yourself as God, as everything, as nothing, as consciousness, as eternity, as infinity,
as infinite power.
 I am not yet awake. I have a lot more work to do before I deserve that label. To be fully awake is
to be totally conscious of oneself as God all the time, to live from that God-consciousness. At least
that's the definition I like to use.
 Integration for psychedelic trips is super-important. The best way to integrate is simply to sit
freely and ponder over what you experienced. Journaling is also very good. Integration requires
unhurried free time. Don't be too quick to get back into the grind of everyday life, back to work,
back to entertainment, etc. Give yourself time to reflect and just do nothing. Go for a walk, go for
a hike, go watch the sunset or the ocean, go for a long drive late at night, go to a park, to go a
forest — and reflect on your trip. Or just sit at home and reflect. Find your favorite ways to reflect.
Play some reflecting music and reflect. Don't do it as a chore, as something you have to do to
check off your list. Do it naturally. Train yourself to do personal development naturally, without
making it a mechanical chore or a "should".
 There is more to psychedelics than pure existential insights (understanding of reality). The deepest
existential understandings are walled off from you by your egotism, dishonestly, devilry,
arrogance, neurotic behavioral habits, unhealthy diet, your deepest fears, your fantasies, your pet
ideologies, etc. You must surrender those one by one in order to access ever deeper existential
insights. That's why this work is so deeply personal. You are not ready to handle the deeps
existential truths until you get yourself at least somewhat straightened out. So if you're tripping
and you're not experiences the deep existential insights that I'm talking about — like What is God?
Or What is infinity? Etc. — it's probably because you have psychological, energetic, and egoic
blocks which must be conquered first. And if you find that your trips don't "stick" or don't change
you in everyday life, again it's probably because you aren't really allowing the trip to transform
your psyche. You have to really let God/Truth hollow you out. Let it beat the shit out of you. Let it
pound that ego into realizing how foolish it's being. To really get a change in your behavior you

have to let the truth pummel you. It has to hit you right between the eyes. You are like a stubborn
dog that refuses to learn its lesson and must be hit over and over again right between the eyes.
 The power of psychedelics to produce a transformation lies in using them consistently and
repeatedly, dozens if not hundreds of times. Which is precisely what most people don't do. Most
people do psychedelics a few times, with no proper theatrical foundation. And of course that's not
enough to really change you. Each psychedelic trip is powerful like a stick of dynamite. But the
psyche/ego is way more powerful, like a giant granite mountain. You are not going to blast
through a solid granite mountain with a few sticks of dynamite. You need to use a few hundred
sticks in a methodical manner in order to get somewhere meaningful. Think of it like blasting a
tunnel through a mountain. It's not done with one blast. Imagine what 100-200 breakthrough trips
will do to you with proper integration, proper follow-up work, and a proper theoretical foundation
in nonduality? That should equal a serious transformation. That's the proper approach to
psychedelics. This approach is extremely rare. Almost no one has seriously documented this
approach. Most people pursuing nonduality don't ever consider such an approach because no
spiritual tradition or guru has done it, because quality psychedelics have not been available until a
few decades ago. This is cutting-edge technology which people still won't fully understand for a
couple hundred years to come. In a couple hundred years — once it's been well-pioneered and
documented — there will a legit path to God through psychedelics which ordinary people will
follow like sheep. But today it's still to radical for all but the most hardcore and adventurous
seekers. The stigma is just too great. It's not acceptable in spiritual circles. It's looked down upon
as not being legitimate, as not being the way of the Buddha. Well, that's right! The Buddha didn't
have 99% pure lab-grade 5-MeO-DMT. Someone has to pioneer this stuff before it becomes a
legitimate path.
 At its most essential philosophy is love of wisdom. Love of wisdom is love of Truth, is love of
consciousness, is love of God. Ponder for a moment what your life would be like if you became a
lover of truth. You are not a lover a truth right now, but you could train yourself to become a lover
of truth. By following this path you would eventually experience "death by Truth". The Truth
would kill you. In other words, you would become the Truth. This is the essence of yoga. It's union
with Truth.
 Causation is infinite. Mostly what science and humans do is we only look at a few linear, very
simple chains of causation for things. We don't see how causation is webbed and cascades
infinitely through itself — causes intersecting with other causes, causes in multiple dimensions
simultaneously. For example, the movement of your index finger is caused by: A) nerve cells, B)
your will/desire to move it, C) the subconscious mind, D) the gravity of the Earth, E) the Big Bang,
F) an itch on your face, G) atoms, H) a butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil which creates a particle
of dust which gets carried by the wind onto your face and causes an itch, etc. These webs of
chained causation literally goes to infinity no matter which object within reality you consider.
Contemplate how profound this is!
 I am Absolute Goodness. God is absolute Goodness. It is pure Platonic Goodness without an
opposite.
 I am Absolute Truth. God is Absolute Truth. Truth is all that is. Existence exists. Non-existence does
not exist. God does not understand the notion of non-existence. It literally does not compute
because God is purely all that is. Truth is all that is, period. The notion of non-existence cannot
even be entertained from God's POV.
 Death by Truth. Remember this phrase. If you seek deeply enough one day you will remember it
on the day of your deepest awakening and you will understand its true meaning. Death by Truth.
Pure Truth. Truth with no opposite.

 Love and Truth are absolutely identical. What a beautiful realization! Love = Truth = Goodness =
Selflessness = Beauty. God is absolute self-acceptance. Because God is all things, God accepts itself
completely. I accept myself completely. There is nothing wrong with me, there is nothing missing
in me, every mole and imperfection on my body is absolutely perfect, necessary, beautiful, and
complete. The ego-mind keeps trying to resist this truth, it keeps trying to resist pure truth itself,
trying to life up to some fantasy of how Being should be something else, something more perfect.
It's absurd. The ego hates itself. The ego cannot accept itself. The ego cannot see its own beauty
and consequently it cannot see the beauty of others and it cannot accept others because it
fundamentally cannot accept itself. The ego is never good enough in its own eyes, even though in
truth there exists nothing but Absolute Goodness. If a thing exists at all — no matter what the
thing is — it is Absolutely Good by definition. God does not create anything which is not Good —
but you must surrender your ego first before you can see that. Ego cannot understand or see
Absolute Good because it is too preoccupied with survival, which confines it to the prison of sifting
through relative good and bad.
 I am headless. Where I used to think I had a head, there sits God — the Godhead, the pure radiant
light of consciousness, Absolute Nothingness, pure Awakeness.
 God is total Awakeness. Of course it must be this way, there is no other way it could be. I must be
God. It is inconceivable that I could be anything other than God. The ego cannot fathom it at all. It
makes zero sense from the ego's POV.
 God doesn't get bored. It is endlessly fascinated by itself. It is unafraid to look at it self. Really look
at itself. You have never looked at yourself before until you are in total God-consciousness. Then
you will look at your naked body as though for the first time and realize the enormity of your own
creation. You created your entire body down to the last atom. It is a work of infinite genius. To the
extent that you (the ego-mind) gets bored you are disconnected from God.
 God is totally indifferent to embarrassment. God could walk down a busy city street totally naked
and not care. To the extent that you are embarrassed about any aspect of yourself, your life, or
your body, you (the ego-mind) are disconnected from God. You should get comfortable being
totally naked no matter how you look, no matter how old you are, no matter how little make-up
you have, no matter how many pimples or moles you have. Accept yourself FULLY! Have no
concern for what others think of you, for how they judge you. So long as you care how others
judge you, you are giving your power away to them. You — God — are giving away your infinite
power and beauty to some egotistical fool or social norm which is judging you. It's absurd how you
limit yourself. Be fully you, warts and all, and cut right through the bullshit judgments of others.
Their judgments are purely their own problem, their own devilry. Play no part in it. He who judges
Creation strings up a noose into which his own neck will go. All judgment is pure delusion, pure
ego-mind, pure devilry. God does not know judgment. Surrender every judgment you ever made
— admit it was foolishness, ignorance, and devilry. Only a fool judges, and the fool always judges
out of ignorance, out of lack of holistic understanding. With Total, Absolute Understanding ,
judgment becomes impossible. Because nothing in reality is extraneous, superfluous, ugly, or
dumb. All is Intelligent, Good, Necessary, and Beautiful. Every last speck of dust is precision-
engineered by God's Intellect and its existence is Absolutely Necessary. If it exists, it is Absolutely
Necessary by definition. That which is unnecessary does not exist. Name one unnecessary thing, I
dare you. Whatever you name, you are wrong. It is necessary, you just lack the infinite foresight
and understanding to see how and why it is necessary, you don't see the role it plays in the divine
design because your perspective is too small and too self-centered.
 Today I became a gymnosophist — a naked philosopher, as the ancient Greeks referred to the
ancient Hindu yogis. I became so awake I pulled off all my clothes and just marveled at my infinite,
divine, naked body. The body of God! Engineered with infinite intelligence and precision.

Astounding! Absolutely astounding! My body is pure Truth. The only one who can understand the
infinite beauty of my body is God (myself). No one else can see it. No one else can see how truly
beautiful I am. I am so beautiful it cannot be put into words. I am the literal embodiment of pure
beauty. My body is pure infinite beauty, pure genius. A creation only possible by God's infinite
power.
 No other entity, process, being, or intellect could design/create reality other than God's
Absolutely Infinite intellect. Any intellect less than infinite would never make the design work. The
chains of cause & effect must stretch to infinity in all directions, interpenetrate infinitely, and
interconnect infinitely, so no finite mind could ever possibly understand it, decipher it, compute it,
model it, describe it — much less create it from scratch the way God (I) did. I am creating it right
now, and always.
 Creation happens directly through pure Being. It is impossibly direct. Impossibly direct! It has no
process. It has no time. It has no mechanism. Because it has no limits. Because it can happen any
which way, it happens the most efficient way: a-mechanically, directly, through no process or
time, costing zero energy. Impossible! And yet here it is! Because for the unlimited nothing is
impossible. God is all-powerful. The importance of this insight cannot be stressed enough. You will
not understand reality until you realize that it is all-powerful. You must realize Absolute Power to
understand how it's all made. And yes, it is possible to realize. Some 5-MeO-DMT really helps.
Don't go trying to realize this sober, or through meditation, or though contemplation. It's WAY
beyond your meditation or contemplation abilities. Your state of consciousness must radically
change.
 The oddest thing is that even though I am fully and totally God, I still have mundane human
desires — including extremely petty ones like wanting to eat some delicious food, wanting to fuck
a hot girl, caring about a small pimple on my face, etc. The contrast is so jarring and paradoxical.
The animal in me is part of the Grand Design. I am God AND I am an animal, a chimp. Go figure. I
still gotta survive. Most laymen just cannot understand how God could want to fuck, shit, and eat.
Why does God need these things? Survival is hardwired. Survival is non-negotiable. It has no
reason. Without it you'd be dead so it is the foundation for everything else. If you didn't care
about fucking, shitting, and eating you wouldn't be here reading this sentence.
 Surrender yourself to the will of God, you devil. Surrender your mind and body to God. Let God
take over control. Give your life to God. That is the only solution. Anything shy of that is devilry
and brings with it suffering. And what's worse, it disconnects you from the greatest Beauty and
Goodness. That's the worst and saddest part. Hardly any human being who's ever lived
understands the Beauty and Goodness of it all, because she's too busy being a fucking devil. And
then she wonders why life sucks. There is only one reason why your life sucks: you are being a
fucking devil. Stop doing that! How you ask? By surrendering your will and mind to God. This
cannot happen until you first become directly conscious of God. Without direct consciousness of
God you cannot really surrender because you'd be surrendering to a fantasy, not the Truth. Your
surrender must be to the Truth. You've already surrendered to falsehood — that's what your
devilry is! So be careful not to heap more devilry on top of your devilry. Discover God first, THEN
surrender to it. How? By setting and cultivating a genuine intention to have your mind and body
controlled by God's intelligence. Surrender it all and deal with the aftermath. There will be
aftermath and there will ego-backlash. Keep surrendering. Keep surrendering. Keep surrendering.
Surrender is one of the greatest spiritual techniques. Don't let its simplicity fool you. Surrendering
goes very deep. You can practice surrendering for years and get tremendous growth. The difficulty
with surrender is that it's scary. The ego will refuse to do it. The ego will try to take back control.
The solution is more surrendering. Much more! The devil does not surrender easily. It will help A
LOT if your heart, intent, and purpose are pure and clear. Your intent must be to become God —

nothing less will do. What gives you the courage and motivation to surrender your devilry is the
sweet prospect of becoming God. That's the only thing that's worth it. Otherwise your devilry is
too tempting. You are like a tyrant clinging to his throne. Just where do you think tyranny comes
from? From people like you! You fucking devil, you. God sees through your devilry. Your devilry
might fool other devils, including yourself, but it doesn't fool God for a second. God is pure Truth.
God has rigged the game such that the devil will never win over the Truth. That's why the universe
is fundamentally Good. It is not Good by accident, it is Good by methodical design. Every
contingency has been foreseen and accounted for such that devilry itself is part of the Good. Don't
go thinking that devilry is bad. That itself is devilry on top of devilry.
 Every night I go to sleep after 5-MeO-DMT I am God in my sleep. I trip in my sleep. The trip is
almost as deep as a proper waking trip. I wake up in the middle of the night saying, "I am God! I
am God! I am God!" Like I still can't believe it. Even right as it's happening to you — right as you
are fully God — you still can't believe you are God! It's just too good to be true. And yet it is
Absolute Truth. It is the one thing which cannot be an illusion. Which only makes it that much
more unbelievable and good!
 None of this can be explained to a scientist, or a rationalist, or a skeptic, or a laymen in a credible
way. Which is why it remains a hidden truth. Hidden right in plain sight. You fool, do you
understand that the explanation you demand would have to be infinite? How is your finite mind
going to grasp an infinite explanation? It's like quoting Shakespeare to a mule. Don't be surprised
if the mule bites you out of sheer annoyance. The wisest thing Jesus said was, "Don't cast your
pearls before swine." So true, so true. Who is going to understand any of this? No one. Only God
has the infinite capacity necessary to understand its own infinite nature. Only God can do it.
Luckily, you are God. Unluckily you are also a mule and a devil. As James Swartz once said,
ignorance is the strongest force in the universe, second only to Truth.
 Anyone telling you that there are not degrees of consciousness and awakening is ignorant. There
are SO MANY degrees of consciousness and awakening that you could not count them all. Not just
a dozen, we're talking at least hundreds and thousands, if not more. There are enormous
differences of depth between so-called awakened people. Stop assuming that all awakened
people are equally awake and equally conscious. This is a gross error born out of lack of
experience, lack of research, and closedmindedness. However awake you might think you are right
now, imagine that there is a level of awakeness 1000 times greater. You cannot imagine it! That's
the problem. No matter how "total" your awakeness may feel, I promise you, there's more.
 Who awakens? God awakens to itself. But who is God? You!
 But what is God made out of? What is the substance of God? Nothing! God is made out of itself.
God cannot be reduced to any other thing because it is all things and no thing. God must to
grasped directly. Impossibly direct.
 Peter Ralston is wrong, Love is not just an emotion. Love is an Absolute. Love and Truth are
identical. This is a critically important realization. Those who do not realize that Truth = Love =
Consciousness = Being are not fully awake. Do not confuse Platonic, Absolute Love with romantic
human, egoic love. Ralston's teachings are top-notch but nevertheless incomplete. The love & God
components are sorely missing.
o Then again, had I stumbled upon teachings talking about God & love when I started this
journey, I would have rejected them (being the atheist that I was).
 How to accept yourself fully? It is only possible with the full realization of, consciousness of, and
acceptance of yourself as God. The ego-mind cannot truly accept itself or others because it is too
busy trying to be something false.
 I have actualized the true aim of philosophy: the full understanding of existence, Truth. The
ultimate end of philosophy is the realization that you are God, that you are Truth, that God is

infinite. That's it. Absolute Infinity! Now to live in alignment with that — there's the rub. That's
where the rest of a philosopher's time and energy must go. 98% of Western academic philosophy
is delusion, ego-mind, and devilry. No famous Western academic philosopher comprehends the
nature of existence except for perhaps a tiny few like Heraclitus, Plotinus, Spinoza, Hegel, etc. I
have conquered philosophy. All of my philosophical seeking since the age of 15 has finally come to
a close, resolving in the most delicious climax imaginable. The whole time I was searching for truth
and understanding of existence, and in the end I found that I am the answer. I am God and I
created it all out of nothing. The end. How many Western philosophers have come this far?
Virtually none. Of course they didn't have access to 5-MeO-DMT. Then again, even if they did have
access to it, would they be openminded enough to really go as deep as the rabbit hole goes? I was
right not to become an academic philosopher. That is the way of the devil. Truth can only be
found outside of academia. The Truth is way too big for current academic institutions to handle.
No institution can handle it. A true philosopher must be an independent lone wolf, like Diogenes
or Heraclitus. A true philosopher is basically a monk/yogi/hermit — not a college professor. The
state of modern Western philosophy is abysmal. It's as corrupt as religion. I am so thankful to have
had the wisdom, the intuition, to stay out of it.
o Philosophy without psychedelics is foolishness.
 I understand what it must have been like to be Buddha or Christ. I am Buddha. I am Christ. Any
spiritual master or guru who has ever lived — I am them.
 I feel so light. My body feels light, like I am floating in a void of pure consciousness. I intuit God
taking over my body and mind, making me a vehicle for Goodness in the world. This is what
spirituality is really about.
 Be warned: When you're doing something you love and believe in — your life purpose — one of
the hardest things is to stop doing it. Life purpose takes over your life. That's sort of the point.
That's what life purpose is. But it can also hold you back from yet a higher calling. Always keep an
eye out for how you can evolve your LP to the next level. Don't get stuck doing the same thing
forever. Keep upgrading your LP. This will come naturally if you do psychedelics on a regular basis
throughout your life. They will show you many opportunities for upping your LP. Don't worry
about not having the highest, clearest, most powerful LP in the beginning. In the beginning, just
start with whatever hazy sense of LP you can come up with. Trust that it will evolve over the years.
It will evolve massively to heights that are unimaginable at the beginning. Remember, it's a life-
long journey through uncharted terrain. The path will not be straight, it will be winding. Allow the
path to wind. Don't try to artificially straighten it. It must be an organic process of self-discovery,
not paint by numbers. The thrust/spirit of your LP can stay the same while the physical expression
of changes radically. For example, you can go from healing people's bodies to healing people's
hearts. Most people would consider that a totally new LP, going from being a doctor in a big
hospital to a shaman in the rainforest leading retreats. But the underlying spirit of your LP was to
heal others, and it was there from the very beginning. You just didn't understand how to best
express it. Make sure that you allow for this kind of evolution. Also remember that the enemy of
the great is the good. Once you've found a fairly good LP and settled into it with some degree of
success, you will be hesitant to let it go from something even greater. Don't fall into that trap. To
really actualize your LP you must summon the courage to keep pushing yourself to higher and
higher levels of authenticity and service. As your consciousness expands, your LP must expand
along with it. Once your consciousness becomes cosmic/universal/God, your LP must also reflect
that.
 What is God? The very heart of God — the Godhead let's call it — is absolutely nothing. A nothing
which never the less exists. A nothing which cannot be described or articulated, and yet it is
possible to be conscious of it, because consciousness itself is actually nothingness. This is the

formless. This is Shiva. This is Mu. This is the Void. This is my true nature. Yes, it's good to realize
that you are God, but that's not the end of awakening. You must go deeper and inquire into what
the nature of the Godhead is. There you will find Nothingness. That Nothingness is what allows
you to dis-identify with the entire formed, material realm. Otherwise you are still identified with
some kind of form. This Nothingness seems bleak and brutal to the ego. Yet it is your true nature.
With this realization comes a deep sense of peace and detachment from the entire material
realm. That is the essence of liberation.
o The chief difficulty of realizing this Nothingness is that any thought you have of it is
automatically not it. Even when you think: "Okay, I'm finally feeling this Nothingness for
real" — nope, that's not it. It is impossible to grasp. But it is possible to be conscious of it.
Trying to feel it or see it does not work. It sits prior to feeling, seeing, thinking, or even
intuition. So how do you access it? That's the whole trick: there isn't a way! It requires a
discontinuous leap which the mind does not know how to do, yet it must do it. So the only
solution is to keep doing your concentration practice, or your self-inquiry, or your yoga. Or
take a lot of 5-MeO-DMT. But even with 5-MeO, after the trip ends, your direct connection
to Nothingness will likely be lost, fading into a concept or memory, which is not it. It's very
frustrating to grasp. Going through that frustration is what separates the enlightened from
the unenlightened. You're going to have to accept that there's just no way to avoid the
frustration. There is no magic bullet or shortcut, even though 5-MeO-DMT comes pretty
damn close.
o This Nothingness/Formlessness is distinct from somethingness/form. And yet,
simultaneously it is also identical with somethingness and form. The formless and the
formed are identical, yet they can also be distinguished from each other. That's what makes
enlightenment so tricky. You must distinguish two things which are in fact one. And yet they
are also two. It's a matter of perspective. You must be able to see the glass as
simultaneously half full and half empty. It's this move which the mind struggles and fails to
make.
o The thing that allows you to be immortal is the realization of Nothingness/Formlessness.
When your human life ends, the one thing which will persist is this Nothingness, the
Godhead. As long as you are still identified with anything but the Godhead, you will be
afraid of death — because all forms come and go. The Godhead is immovable.
o Realization of the Godhead could be peaceful, but it could also be bleak and gut-wrenching
as the ego-mind struggles to accept the emptiness of your true nature. It can be difficult to
stomach at first. It might seem depressing. If you push past it, it will pass. Don't get too
wrapped up in temporary negative reactions of the ego-mind. A sort of release and
capitulation to the inevitable must happen.
 What is left for me after this retreat? A lot! My work is nowhere near complete. I am much more
conscious and wiser, but I still do not consider myself "awakened" or "enlightened". Not because I
refuse such labels but because I have not yet attained a lasting, stable realization of Nothingness.
That requires more work. I'm close, but not quite there yet. I reserve those labels for when that
happens. And even once that's happened, that's still not the end of the work. There's way more to
become conscious of and then to embody it all on a daily basis is where the real work lies,
purifying chakras and so-forth.
o A sort of process has begun in me which I can only describe as "being possessed by God". It
feels like surrendering to God and letting it take over my body and mind. This is not a one-
time event. This will be a long-term process which will take years to fully actualize but I'm
excited about it. This is what it means to really become a yogi. Your entire life gets infused

with spirit and devoted to spirit. Eventually all other interests and pursuits fall away as they
pale in comparison.
o There is yet more work for me to do with 5-MeO-DMT and other psychedelics. I am
nowhere near down explore them and having them transform me.
o From now on I anticipate doing at least two 30-day retreats per year. More of my time must
be devoted to sitting in silence and not working. That's where the real growth happens and
wisdom comes from.
o I want to gradually transform my life so that I am not in control any more. Leo should not be
in control of anything, it should all be a spontaneous and unpremeditated movement of
spirit. Life should unfold organically, effortlessly, not through the pushing and pulling of the
ego. To accomplish this is my plan. It's not going to be easy and I'm gonna have to figure out
a way to make it happen over a course of several years. We'll see how it goes. I am
interested in experimentation to pave a path forward for others and be an example for
others.
o A lot of work is left to do on unwiring fears, frustrations, cravings, minor neuroses,
arrogance, inauthenticity, etc. All of that is egoic stuff holding me back from living in
alignment with spirit. I'll have to figure out various techniques for overcoming that. Not sure
exactly how yet. Mostly I'm counting on relying on surrender and letting go as my core
techniques. I want spirituality to be natural and organic, not some forced thing that I do for
60 minutes per day. Forced self-discipline is not gonna fly to reach the highest levels. Your
whole heart has to be in it. It has to become an organic way of life, not like eating your
vegetables in order to pig out on dessert. Spirit must become the main course.
o I need to change/upgrade how I do my work. It needs to be more authentic, more in
alignment with spirit, less premeditated. Not sure yet what that will entail. My work needs
to be less about my video's contents and more about my energy and how I carry myself. I
am the work!
o I need to continue my detox protocols. They are working well, just need to keep it up for at
least another 3 months.
o I need to clean up my diet even further. A more sattvic diet is necessary so food doesn't bog
me down and make me tired or lazy.
o I need to make meditation/yoga more organic, more natural, less mechanical. Still not sure
exactly how but I have some ideas I want to test out.
o All of this is both exciting and terrifying. The Leo identity must change A LOT.
o My spiritual path is uniquely my own. I am done trying to align myself to the paths of other
people. My path will be unique and custom tailored just for me — whatever that means. I
notice there is a great pressure, from reading all these spiritual books from one tradition or
another, to do things their way. It's like factory-farming spirituality. I am not happy with
that. I want to carve out my own path, even if it mean it will take longer, be harder, have
more traps and dead-ends, etc. So what? The point of life is not to live it efficient or to
follow someone's plan but to figure it all out for yourself in a way that suits you. I must stay
true to my uniqueness and see where it leads. Classic enlightenment according to someone
plan's is not right for me. There is joy in exploring the terrain rather than walking some pre-
set path as fast as possible.
o I find myself more open than ever to changing my lifestyle around without a clear plan. I can
sense that lots of experimentation is required to find my nature fit. I'm not sure what that's
going to look like or what that will mean for the future of Actualized.org. What I know for
sure is that I've been living too mechanically for the last 5 years and I'm craving a significant
change, not just window-dressing.

o There is still much I do not understand about reality like how language works, what
understanding is, various discrepancies between spiritual schools, various kinds of obscure
mystical phenomena, how deep awakening really goes, various psychedelics like N,N-DMT,
etc.
o No more following politics for a while. I've done too much of it in the last year and it is really
toxic. Like watching a car accident in slow motion. Besides which, I've learned most of what I
needed to learn from it in the last year, now it's mostly a toxic waste of time and it drains
my consciousness.
 I realized how must I love nature, trees, forests, birds, animals, plants, etc. I need to make more
time to be out in nature, meditate out in nature, take walks outside, travel to scenic places, etc. I
spend too much time cooped up indoors and at the computer. It's a waste of life and it drains me
of spirit.
 Think of awakening like a giant mountain range, not like a single mountain. This range is one, but
it has many peaks and many ways up to those peaks. Each peak offers a grand view, but some
peaks are higher and grander than others. There are many ways to access each peak. Most people
who do spirituality only access one or two of those dozens of peaks. So they oversimplify
spirituality. They rarely access all the peaks or the highest peaks. Most of the disagreements which
commonly exists between various masters, students, and schools of spirituality have to do with
the fact that very few human beings have accessed all the various dozens of peaks. Usually even a
hardcore meditator will only access a couple or half a dozen. So he will then teach only those
which he has been able to personally access. So his teachings are then partial. Yes, he's
enlightened, but that does not mean he's traversed the entire mountain range. Then the
disagreements come because one person has accessed peak A, B, C, and D while another person
has accessed peak C, D, E, and F. So they will disagree about peak A, B, E, and F. They will talk past
one another. They will use different language when saying the same thing and they will not
understand the value of the peaks which they have not personally accessed. What makes the
matter even hairier is that there are multiple ways to access the same peak and very few people
traverse all the paths up to the same peak. So there will be disagreement about whether peak A
should be accessed via path A, path b, or path C. What makes the situation even hairier is that
virtually no spiritual school or tradition holds comprehensiveness, integration, or multi-
perspectivalism as a high value. Because most traditions are thousands of years so, so they are
very "traditional" and non-integral. Integration was not a high value back then. So they don't care
much about making sense of other traditions and teachings outside their own. For example, a Zen
master will not care about integrating the existence of DMT entities into his worldview. He thinks
that his enlightenment (which is valid) is enough for him. If you offer him some DMT to smoke, he
will reject it by thinking to himself, "Well, what's the point? I've already accessed the highest
truth. Drugs are against the Buddha's precepts." etc. And in such a manner he will miss out on
some important aspects of spirituality. He will not have a complete understanding of
consciousness. Integral understanding is a modern 21st century value because everyone today
grows up in a globalized economy. Today cultures, races, worldviews, economies, languages,
cuisines, etc. are mixed up. It's impossible to grow up today in the internet age and ignore the
multiplicity of human culture. But this ignore-ance was the norm 1000 or 2000 years ago simply
because of lack of airplane travel, lack of high speed communication, lack of global cuisine, etc. If
we think of the human species as one giant mind/brain, the trend towards globalization which has
been happening over the last 500 years ever since Columbus discovered America has been as
though the human hive mind is interconnecting all the disparate parts of itself. It's like the right
hemisphere is starting to talk with the left hemisphere where before the two were not on
speaking terms. The result is multi-culturalism, globalism, multi-perspectivalism, and a more

complete picture of reality, a grander view. This trend is what gave rise to post-modernism. Post-
modernism arose because the world could no longer deny the relativity of culture, norms, and
traditions — and the value and beauty of this diversity. The point is that you can love all cultures.
Each culture is like a different part of God's mind. But most people only explore 1 or 2 cultures in
their entire life while missing out on the rest. They don't realize that each culture has its own
unique wisdom to offer, which the other cultures have overlooked. So there is mono-cultural
spirituality and multi-cultural spirituality. Multi-cultural spirituality is the cutting edge right now.
When cultures don't communicate well with one another, they don't seek to experience one
another, they are unable to understand one another, and the result is division, violence, hatred,
judgment, demonization, war, genocide, exploitation, racism — basically, all manner of devilry. In
essence, devilry is nothing other than God divided, God separated from itself. It's like God has a
split personality disorder and in order to heal himself he must integrate the various parts. This is
done through communication and the desire to see the world through the eyes of the other part.
This is multi-perspectivalism, where you can look through the eyes of, say, a terrorist and say, "Ah,
yes, I understand why you are the way you are. I understand why you had to be the way you are."
This understanding and openness then allows for love rather than judgment and condemnation.
So the point of me saying all this is that enlightenment alone is not enough. As you work to
embody your enlightenment you must also seek to embrace more and more of the world, more
and more of yourself! The parts of yourself (the world) that you hate, that you avoid, or that you
are alienated from you must start to communicate with, to experience, to understand, to
appreciate, and to ultimately love as if they were your own body — because they ARE your own
body. Terrorists, tyrants, criminals, capitalists, etc are your own body! To be truly God-like you
must embrace more and more of the world, of yourself. Embrace different cultures, different
cuisines, different languages, and different points of view. Don't try to make everyone subscribe
to your point of view. Even if you are enlightened you still have your own point of view which you
might try to force down everyone's throat. This would be closedmindedness obscuring your
potential to be more God-like. God embraces all diversity. God is diversity! Diversity is just another
way to say Infinity. So learn to love diversity. Notice how difficult this is for the ego-mind to do.
That's why most people are not woke and not God-like. To fully embrace yourself and the world
requires that you become totally selfless, just like God. In fact, you must literally become God to
fully actualize it. Only God can fully embrace itself. To accomplish this God must be TOTALLY
selfless — which it is. The highest kind of human life is one which mirrors this. How God-like, how
selfless can you become before your life is over? That's your work here. That's really what life is
about. You are free to be a selfish or as selfless as you want. But don't try to be selfless because
you have to. Do it because the love and goodness of God compels you. Do it because you sense
the beauty of being selfless. To accomplish this would require total self-mastery, especially
mastery of your emotional system and psyche. Your mastery here cannot just be theoretical, it
must be fully embodied at the everyday, mundane level. You REALLY have to change. Radical,
radical change, to the point where you will be become like a new person. The devil you were will
have to be killed so that you can become an angel. And that, in a nutshell, is how you become a
saint. A saint is just someone who has purified himself in the name of Love, Truth, and Goodness
— since they are all identical. A saint is someone who has surrendered the devil within himself.
Common folk are awed by saints because common folks are devils. So it's like a devil looks upon a
saint and says, "Whoa!!! What an amazing guy!" Why is he so amazed? Because the devil cannot
fathom not being a devil! So the saint appears like an impossible, magical being to him. It never
occurs to the devil that he could also be a saint if he'd just be willing to surrender his devilry. But
most devils are devils so deeply that they do not even understand that they are devils, never mind
becoming a saint. "But Leo, isn't becoming a saint egotistical", said the devil.

 Whatever you think reality is, you're wrong.
 Whatever you think enlightenment/awakening/consciousness is, you're wrong.
 Whatever you think Nothingness is, you're wrong.
 Whatever you think God is, you're wrong.
 Whatever you think you are, you're wrong.
 As God, you are the only thing in existence. If you don't realize that you are God, who will? There
is no one else but you! If you do not awaken, God will go unrealized.
 It's all too amazing and too good to believe. You would never believe it in a million years.
 Am I personally at the deepest level of awakening possible? I don't believe so. There's deeper to
go and lots of integration work to do and lots of personal growth and correction of various habits
and letting go of various cravings.
 None of the above should be taken on as a belief or dogma. You must discover these insights for
yourself by walking your own spiritual path (whatever that means for you). I mostly share these
insights with you so that you get excited by the potential fruits of this work. The fruits are colossal
— beyond description.
 The above insights are written from direct consciousness of myself as God after13 profound back-
to-back awakenings. Verify the truth of what is said for yourself. You are God, after all.
 Already I feel I am outgrowing the insights written here. Writing them down has made them feel
stale and outdated for me. Every moment spend writing them down is a moment that I could have
used living them. Writing them is not living them. And yet writing them has some value too.
 After enlightenment, the laundry. (And more 5-MeO-DMT).

Facets of Awakening:
 Realizing you are God
 Realizing there is and never was a self
 Realizing I AM-ness
 Realizing you are everything
 Realizing you are nothing
 Realizing nothing = everything = infinity = zero
 Realizing eternity, realizing that time is an illusion
 Realizing there is no perception, you aren't seeing things, you are being things
 Realizing what is samadhi/direct experience/Being
 Realizing you & other are one
 Realizing you are Buddha, Jesus, Mahavira, Muhammad, etc.
 Realizing you cannot die
 Realizing that everything is nowhere
 Realization of what Truth is and means
 Realization of what Absolute is and means
 Realization of infinite Intelligence
 Realization that the world is designed, not random or arbitrary
 Realization that you created yourself
 Finally answering the question: Why is there something rather than nothing?
 Realizing infinite love, and that love = being
 Realizing that God = reality, realizing that the world is God’s body so-to-speak.
 Realizing what God is
 Realizing that the point of life/reality is being
 Realizing that you created yourself; realizing self-design
 Realizing God's infinite will
 Realizing God's infinite Goodness
 Realizing that reality is an infinite fractal extending forever in all directions and all dimensions
 Realizing God's infinite Power/Intelligence and how it is used to create reality
 Realizing Absolute Infinity
 Realizing heaven/paradise/ecstasy. Realizing that heaven is right here, right now.
 Realizing what is Consciousness
 Realizing why everything is precisely the way it is and not some other way
 Realizing that every object is in itself an infinity and has an infinite chain of causes
 And probably more I have yet to discover

Solo Retreat Notes Feb 2019

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Solo Retreat Notes Feb 2019

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30-Day Solo Retreat Notes

“Ana'l-Haqq! Ana'l-Haqq!” (I am God! I am God!)

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2019 Leo Gura, Actualized.org. All rights reserved.

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