DON BOSCO CENTER OF STUDIES

An Affiliate of the Salesian Pontifical University – Rome

INTEGRATION PAPER

In Partial Fulfillment
of the Requirements for the Course
BPM 27b: Seminar on Family Life Apostolate

by
REV. JOHN QUINCY CABALLO, SDB

Paranaque City
March 2019
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“Christian couples are, for each other, for their children and for their relatives,

cooperators of grace and witnesses of the faith”.1

The family is the domestic church and is the vital cell of society. If we want to care for or

much more to change society, one must begin to do so precisely in the family. Needless to say, the

Church’s ministry with and for the families is of primal importance. But without stating the

obvious, this ministry is being catered to in a manner that leaves so much more to be desired. There

is definitely a way forward. That is, if the Church, especially her hierarchy will begin to listen to

families and from there, draw practical and well-discerned pastoral initiatives with and for the

families. The WHOLE Church needs to actually listen, reflect upon, and pray for families. I am

pretty sure that everyone has experience of being family, in all its deficiencies and richness. We

become who we are in a through the family.

This challenge to listen and at the same time be enriched by the families and their

experiences has been my experience here in this seminar on family ministry. It is really different

when we listen to teachers who have themselves been through the hurdles of marital commitment

and family life. I would personally like to thank Mr and Mrs Faustino for making our class such an

experience of enlightenment, encouragement, and at times a crushing “second-hand” experience of

real challenges families face today. This is definitely one of, if not the most appreciated class that

I had for this semester. More than just offering theories and tips, this course offered us a real, if not

excruciating image of family life. Images and realities I find myself resonating with, at times.

At the Beginning

I have heard about this seminar from my seniors in the seminary for some years now. They

said that it involved a lot of sharing. So, I actually came to class with this expectation in mind—

and definitely, I was not disappointed when we started out.

1
Vatican II, Decree on the Apostolate of the Laity Apostolicam Actuositatem (AA) (18 November
1965), no. 11.
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I have always though of family ministry as the work of some semi or totally retired couples

straining it out to talk to parents about reproductive health and embarrassing them about how stupid

their parenting styles are. Perhaps, a series of lectures which found lesser and lesser participants

one module to the next. In what I have observed in my years of formation and observing parishes,

the Family Life Apostolate (FLA) has become one of the most deficient and outdated ministries in

terms of programs and content. They gave me an impression that the only thing they were wont on

talking about is how NOT TO use artificial contraception. Or, if they were not into this, they are

often found organizing cheesy whole-day or overnight recollections for couples which ended in a

little dance for the couples and “surprise” flowers for their wives. While I knew back then that this

ministry is important, I did not really see the pressing need for updating and improving its content

and offerings. I mean, as I saw it then, they are already old and are well established in their means

and skills. As the saying goes, you cannot teach old dogs new tricks.

But I realized in this course that this ministry is beyond the outreach of a few lectures. It is

not just about one or two semi-retired couples running the show. Neither is it all about reminding

people NOT to use this or that method or of embarrassing them. This ministry, like any such service

in the Church, involves an integral understanding and appreciation. A ministry must touch the

whole person, it must help them be-come a true Christian, a believer who in his/her struggles is

able to reach out to God while helping one another walk along the way to Him. It is all about

building a community, a community of Christ’s disciples—the Church. While each ministry is

aimed at a particular form of service or sector in the Church, it functions in a symbiotic way such

that the Body of Christ is rendered more alive, more fruitful, and for each one empowering.

The future of the Church and her ministry to the families is found in the same – in the

families themselves committed to Christ and His Church. The very fabric of the society and the

Church is woven together in the family. What is symptomatic of the Church and society as a whole,

we find, first and foremost, in the family. The ultimate remedy may also be found in this very cell-

structure itself. For a healthy body needs healthy cells, right?

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My Experience

Here are (for me) some highlights of the course:

The Family Systems Theory (Dr Murray Bowen). The first serving that this course

offered is on the Family Systems theory of Dr Bowen. It was quite interesting for me because this

theory gave names to certain patterns I have seen present in families not excluding my own. The

Genogram and the Family Emotional Process gave way for me to understand deeper exactly how

these patterns in the family could affect and growth and development of each one. Also, with this

theory, I was able to somehow curtail the effects of such forces that seem to impair my own capacity

for decision-making and self-realization without being all too selfish and exclusive.

Marital and Family Relations. This section is quite a mouthful and needs a little more

time for reflection and integration. To begin with, the need for wholeness and the “danger signals”

that must be considered before marriage is crucial in the discernment process. More than just the

intuition of the other being the one, one must see to some objective factors that might contribute to

the growth and/or destruction of a potential marital bond. Also, discernment in the marriage itself

must consider that certain sensitivities must be put to the fore, particularities between how men and

women communicate (in general) must be considered.

Christian Parenthood and Parenting. This topic is one that allowed me to reflect on my

own experience of being parented. I could see cracks and faults in my own parent’s style. But I

also realized that they are the fruit of their own experience of being parented. There is definitely

no perfect parenting style. But I am quite sure that for those couples who took the challenge of

becoming parents: you are real heroes. My parents are definitely not perfect but I am quite sure that

their love and concern is very real. So much so, that I still feel the same after all these years. We

get to communicated almost everyday thanks to technology and the joy of just being able to share

the little things of everyday life. The topic on Natural Family Planning (NFP) particularly the

Porsuelo Method was a real eye-opener for me. This method which is renowned both for its

simplicity and effectiveness was introduced by a couple from the grassroots in Bukidnon. It really
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left such an impression on me. And the sharing of Francis and Debbie Rodrigo made it more

interesting as it helped me realize that in fact marital intimacy need not be curtailed by responsible

natural family planning. As the video presented, this is not only about responsible family planning.

It is more about preserving marital intimacy, fidelity to one another, and an ever-renewed honey-

moon experience. Also, the sharing of Mr Joemar and Mrs Jovi Salumbides on parenting was quite

a breath of fresh air. Why? I just heard the story of one who was really in his lowest with drugs and

all who was redeemed by the saving grace of Christ and the support of his family and Christian

community. This is a real testimony that with the right amount of prayer and nurturance, people are

able to cope up and come out as better and more grounded people after such a tragic experience.

Tito Joemar showed the brothers that to be a Dad you have to be a true Father, who can see with

the eyes of a brother, and can make an approach almost like that of a friend. Don Bosco taught us

that we have to be for the young fathers, brothers, and friends. Without muddling the particularity

of each role, I realize that we have to be all for our fellow Christians, if only to bring Christ closer

to them.

Family Spirituality and the Liturgical Bible Study. This topic, I should say, was another

aha! experience for me. The manner by which this bible study is conducted and how it can be an

essential means to encourage a real family spirituality is just mind-boggling! Again, the power of

the Holy Spirit working in ordinary people. This method of bible study is simple and really faithful

to the Sacred Texts especially when it is placed in the most fitting context: the Sacred Liturgy. The

arrangement of Scriptural texts throughout the liturgical year give steady witness to the fact that

God is undaunting in giving humanity inspiration and nourishment. The repetition of texts is seen

not only as a mere re-reading but more so a deepening in the word and a growth in the Spirit. I will

definitely bring this bible study method to my place of apostolate especially when we prepare

catechetical lessons and even in our prayers with the youth and hopefully, their families too. It is a

method that can be taught to ordinary people and even to the most sophisticated lot.
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Healing the Family. The sharing of Mr Junie and Mrs Liezl Rodriguez touched me deeply.

Their sad experience with their son and the abduction of their two grandchildren is just too much

to bear for this couple who have been giving their best to be faithful to the Lord. This experienced

touched me in a specific way as I was able to resonate with my own brother’s experience of being

a single dad with two children. This is just too sad. My nephew and niece are doing well with my

parents around to help my brother support them. He is also doing his best. This story saddens me

because it is the mother who is making all the mess. This reminds me of a particular Scriptural

passage.

Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb?

Even should she forget, I will never forget you. (Isaiah 49:15)

The challenges that families face, at their worst, are brought about by its own family

members. I just could not understand how she could do this and that. But what is most awe-aspiring

is the faith and patience with which Mr and Mrs Rodriguez face it all. I could not say I understand

them because only experience can teach the full extent and impact of such an experience. But what

I can certainly say is that they are living exactly what the gospel is asking each one of us: to love

and to forgive, to seek justice without being harsh.

My Take-Home

After enjoying such a rich and generous serving of food, I could not help myself to leave

with some of the left-overs from the meal. These are not left-overs because these were least

appreciated. Not at all. These were left unconsumed because I have reached my saturation point,

there is not anymore space to welcome such a rich influx of grace and insight. And so here are what

I have taken-away from the course.

First, family is first and most important. Family is first because in the context of this

relationship were we given life and brought to existence. It is in its richness and deficiency that one

reaches wholeness and emptiness. It is most important because in it we find our basic relationships,

the basic fiber of who we are which serves as a basis for all our other relationships, not excluding
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one’s own relationship with God. In its importance, the family, especially the parents, must not see

themselves all the be-all and in-all of their children’s lives. Rather, they must be reminded of their

call to imitate God’s own fatherliness and motherliness. A father who cares and nourishes His

children but does not control their capacity to make life choices. Rather, through their nurturance

and proper disciplining, they are able to guide their children to become good Christians and

responsible citizens. There is no single perfect way except that laid out by our Christian tradition

and applied to one’s own situation with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Second, Christian couples need to be guided from the beginning and all through the way.

The practice of marriage preparation in all its lapses and good points must not be the ONLY

opportunity for the Church to guide couples. Nor should the Church replace the couple’s capacity

to discern their own way of doing things right. The catch-word for today’s Church is

accompaniment. Yes, one has probably heard it a thousand, if not a million times. But this journey

of accompanying couples and even young people on their way to making fundamental life choices

is a tall order for the Church’s hierarchy and for all of Christ’s faithful, at that. As a sample, Amoris

Leatitia points out a direction for couples relating with extended family,

The conjugal union demands respect for their traditions and customs, an effort to

understand their language and to refrain from criticism, caring for them and

cherishing them while maintaining the legitimate privacy and independence of the

couple.2

This is quite a tall order especially in highly tradition cultures like those in Asia where

extended family has a SAY even in child rearing.

Third and lastly, the Church has to help families guide their young people to make mature

life choices, especially in their vocation in life. Among the three proposals present by the recent

2
Pope Francis, Post-synodal Exhortation Amoris Laetitia (AL) (19 March 2016), no. 198.
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Synod of Bishops on Youth, Faith and Vocation Discernment includes a concern that families must

address.

Yet families do not always teach their children to consider the future through the

lens of vocation. Sometimes the desire for social prestige and personal success, the

ambition of parents or a tendency to determine the choices of their children leave

little room for discernment and condition the decisions that are made. The Synod

recognizes the need to help families arrive at a clearer understanding of life as a

vocation. The Gospel account of the adolescent Jesus (cf. Lk 2:41-52), subject to

this parents but able to detach himself from them so as to concern himself with his

Father’s affairs, can shed valuable light on how to interpret family relationships

from a Gospel perspective.3

In this regard, the Church can be a true Mother and Teacher by offering her children,

especially parents, practical guidance and helps towards building a Christian family that is also a

well spring of Christian vocations. There is no one-way street here, but the Church can offer

guidance on this regard.

Before ending, I would personally like to thank Mr and Mrs Faustino for making this all-

important process of learning and reflection about the needs to reflect on my own family experience

and at the same time be able to help families, accompanying them not only sacramentally but also

through the ministry of presence as a present that is irreplaceable and most important in this journey

of following Christ day-by-day, as individuals, families, and as a community of disciples.

3
Synod of Bishops, Final Document on Young People, Faith, and Vocation Discernment, no. 72.
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REFERENCES:

Vatican II. Decree on the Apostolate of the Laity Apostolicam Actuositatem (AA) (18
November 1965).
Pope Francis. Post-synodal Exhortation Amoris Laetitia (AL) (19 March 2016).
Synod of Bishops. Final Document on Young People, Faith, and Vocation Discernment.