BUTTER AND MASHED BANANA

Ajay Krishan

A Harami Theatre Production

Song 1
Looking to find what he thinks is his fortune
Winds his way down such a gloomy afternoon
Maybe he’ll find what it’s all about
Follows the line as the piper plays a tune
And as he plays you can see his body sway
Holding up signs that say Today Is Not Your Day

As for the truth he doesn’t care

He knows he’ll find another way

Sees a signpost that tells him walk without a sound

Step at a time he plants his feet upon the ground
He’s short of breath but he feels like a rolling stone
But at the end changes his mind and turns around
He was the first but he’s now not even last
The line surges on unmindful of his past

As for the truth he doesn’t care

He knows he’ll find another way

B: I was conceived in a night of ill-advised but passionate love between my

mother and my father.
All: My mother
My father
My mother
My father
Mother father mother father mother father mother…(They continue)
A: This is wrong! We shouldn’t be doing this. We aren’t even married!
 Mother father mother father….
C: I know. I completely agree. It’s so…
A,B: Mother!
C: …so…
A,B: Father!
C: …so wrong.
B: As I was saying, I was conceived in a night of ill-advised but passionate
love between my mother and my father.
A,C: Ill-advised but passionate love
Ill advised but passionate
B: Why ill-advised you ask?
A,C: Ill-advised but passionate love
Ill-advised but passionate
B: My father was a card carrying member of the Shiv Sena
C: Ill-advised but passionate love!
B: And my mother was a radical with links to the CPI
A: Ill advised but passionate!
B: M!
A: CPI??M??
B: M…..mmmmm….aaaaa!
(The parents console the baby while B walks away and continues)
B: How did this happen? Well a film called Pyaar Aisa Bhi Hota Hai had
been released a year before this which deeply offended my mother’s
sentiments.
C: So what if I’m not a feminist? The film depicts all feminists as
promiscuous murderers. You don’t have to be a feminist to have a
problem with that. You don’t even have to be a woman to have a problem
with that.
B: So she and her friends spent an entire day to make sure that every poster
and billboard was torn and pulled down.
 She thought she had finished, she was on her way home when she saw one
poster that they had missed. She went towards it to pull it down. It had a
picture of the actress playing the psychotic, knife-wielding feminist
A: Feminist? What is this feminist? This is not a part of Indian culture. A
traditional Hindu nari can never be a feminist.
B: It so happened that the same film Pyaar Aisa Bhi Hota Hai also deeply
offended my father’s sentiments. He too had spent the entire day tearing
posters and billboards down.
B: He was heading home when he saw a billboard that nobody had pulled
down.
C: Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t see you.
A: No, no it’s my fault entirely.
C: Anyway it doesn’t matter who does it right? As long as it’s done.
A: I haven’t seen you around the office.
C: Oh that’s because I’m new to the organization.
A: Oh me too. I just joined when this monstrosity was released.
C: Oh it’s such an insult.
A: Oh don’t get me started.
C: So do you want to do it?
A: WHAT?
C: Do you want to pull down the offensive billboard?
A: Oh the billboard, the offensive billboard. No, you go ahead.
C: We could do it together.
A: Oh you want to do that? Ok, grab one end.
B: One Two Three!
A,C: Four five six seven eight nine ten!
A: It was so romantic!
C: Do you want to get a cup of coffee?
B: That was the misunderstanding that led to my birth.
A: By coffee you mean…
C: Yes. And you are not…
A: No. And you…
C: No I don’t.
A: It’s ok. I do.
B: Given that it was a misunderstanding, it’s amazing how well they
understood each other.
Of course my parents weren’t very happy when they found out the truth
about each other.
A,C: Aaaaaaaaaah!
C: Shiv Sena!
A: CPI! M! So your problem with the film…
C: Offensive stereotyping of feminists. And your problem with the film…
A: Insult to the image of the ideal Hindu woman!
A,C: Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
C: Ugh.
A: Ugh.
C: I’ll call you.
A: No, no please. I’ll call you.
B: That should have been the end of that but….
C: I’m pregnant. Did you hear what I said? I’m pregnant.
A: I’m sorry. I don’t understand what you’re saying.
C: I’m pregnant! Pregnant, pregnant, pregnant….
A: I don’t follow. What are you trying to tell me?
C: I’m going to have a baby. I’m going to be the mother and you’re going to
be the father.
A: Just what are you trying to get at?
B: For god’s sake! (whispers in A’s ear)
A: You are expecting! Why didn’t you say that! And…I’m…?
C: You’re what?
A: The person who…err…how do I say it?
C: Made the contribution? Yes.
A: Oh.
B: Then the all-important question.
A: If you are the mother and I am the father, will the baby be…?
C: I don’t know.
A: Or will the baby be…?
C: I don’t know!
B: (suddenly, quickly.)The nine months before I was born saw a flurry of
activity centred around the question of what my political leanings were
going to be. Some said…
A: Rightist!
B: Others said…
C: Leftist!
B: Some said…
A: Pro-centrist!
B: Others said…
C: Anti-republic!
B: Some said…
A: Quasi-democratic!
B: Others said…
C: Semi-federal with mild overtones of monarchic one-upmanship.
B: But nobody was sure. And as with any situation where people are unsure
of the outcome…
A: Hundred rupees. This baby will have black eyes.
C: Hah! Hundred! That’s smalltime gambling. I bet a 15% stake in my
software company that the baby’s eyes will be blue.
A: But both the parents have black eyes.
C: Did I say blue? I meant black.
A: No! You said blue. For 15% stake in your company, I say the baby will
have black eyes.
C: I said blue, but I meant black.
A: No, sorry. It’s too late. Blue and black are two very different colours.
C: Really? Trust me, if I beat you up you won’t be able to tell the difference
 between black and blue.
A: Are you threatening me?
(B continues over this)
C: What if I am threatening you?
A: You think I can’t threaten you back?
C: Oh ya? Let’s see, threaten me and see if what happens.

B: Is this what the world has come to? That even something as pure as the
birth of the baby is turned into a political game? Shame on you netas and
shame on the media for giving them all the publicity that they want. I
mean I’m not even born and people are already asking…
C: Which party will he or she join?
A: Oh come on. He or she has not even come out and you’re already
worrying about that?
C: I’m not worrying. I’m just curious. I’m not saying he or she has to join
any party at all.
A: Be careful. From the womb it can hear everything that we say. I mean, it’s
too early to start pressurizing a person.
C: I’m not pressurizing. I’m just wondering. At some point he or she will
have to make a choice and I was…(gasp)…it’s kicking! Feel it!
A: It’s probably kicking to tell you to shut up.
C: Feel it! It’s such a strange feeling. Five months.
A: We may be politicians, but at the end of the day we are a family. Six
months.
C: We’ll decide on a name after it is born. Seven months.
A: Everything will change after I become a father. Eight months.
C: Motherhood will force me to reconsider what is most important to me.
(Pause) Nine months.
(Expectant silence)
A: Uhm….Pregnancy is such a beautiful phenomenon. Ten months.
C: A true miracle of nature. Eleven months.
A: From two single cells to an entire human being. Twelve months.
C: A true miracle of nature.
A: You already said that.
C: Thirteen months.
A: Fourteen months.
C: This is ridiculous. Do you ever intend to come out?
B: What time is it?
C: Don’t you want to come out and find out? The sun is shining in the sky,
the birds are chirping.
B: I can hear them from here.
A: But you have to born come out at some point. How long do you
want to keep your mother pregnant like this?
B: Until I’m ready.
C: What exactly is your problem?
B: I’m happy here. Life is full of choices. As soon as I come out I’ll have to
start making choices.
C: No you won’t. You have many years before you have to start making
choices.
B: Should I suck my thumb or should I not suck my thumb? Should I twitch
or should I stretch? Should I yawn? Life is too hard. I’m staying here for
some more time.
My parents then resorted to a dirty tactic that has always worked with
stubborn children. They stopped paying attention to me. Ahem…so I think
I’ll just stay here for as long as I like. I mean, who said that I have to be
born, right? I’m quite happy where I am. Wondering why nobody was
responding, I peeked out.
(A, C pounce on him and rip the bedsheet off, B struggles to keep it on. )
C: It’s a boy!
A: He has your eyes.
C: And your nose.
A: But his forehead is yours.
C: His chin is yours.
A: His smile reminds me of you.
C: But he has your dimple.
A: I am the father of a bouncing baby boy!
(They swing him)
B: Bets piled up as people tried to cash on in on any uncertainty surrounding
my birth. On the day I was born people crowded outside my house.
A: Does it have an extra thumb on its right hand? Is it bald? Is it completely
toothless?
B: The baby is perfectly normal and healthy. Now if you don’t mind the
family would like some privacy to enjoy this special day.
A: Sure. Of course. We understand.
(They put him down)
B: But this was immediately followed by another frenzy of speculation
about…
A: The baby’s first words will be Jai Shri Ram!
C: No! They will be Karl Marx Zindabad!
A: Jai Shri Ram!!
C: Karl Marx Zindabad!
A,C: Repeat after me!
A: Jai Shri Ram!
C: Karl Marx Zindabad!
(B clears throat)
C: Ssssh! I think the baby is about to speak.
A: Yes, yes! Let’s listen carefully. He’s going to say Jai Shri Ram.
C: Ssssh! Behave yourself, this is not the time for propaganda. Am I saying
that Communism Is The Way Of The Future? No, this is a special
moment and it should be respected.
A: Fine. I will stop saying Jai Shri Ram!
C: Ssssh! Shut up.
B: Ahem.
A: Ssssh!
All: Sssssssssshhhhhhh…..
B: Mmmmaaaaaaa!
C: He said Mao! As in Chairman Mao! Chairman Mao ki jai ho!
A: No! He said Maaaa! As in Kali Ma!! Jai Kali Ma!
B: Maaaa!
A: Shit. He’s making a racket. What do we do now?
C: Sing him a lullaby.
(They run and hide behind sheet)

Song 2
B B B AB B
He was a bouncing baby boy
B E F# E D# B
His eyes were grey and brown
As though that wasn’t strange enough
He came out upside down
He didn’t seem unhappy
But he did seem a bit disturbed
It was plain for everyone to see
He was born with a frown

He began to walk when he had

Been out just for a week
Although he didn’t say a lot
It was clear that he could speak
Birthdays came birthdays went
He really didn’t care
He missed the point of growing up
The future seemed so bleak, the future seemed so bleak
B: It’s not that my parents were bad parents but in some things they were of
 simply no help.
A: First your right leg.
B: First my right leg.
A: Then your left leg.
B: Then my left leg.
A: Again your right leg.
B: Again my right leg.
A: And then your left leg.
B: And then my left…
C: No, no! Do you want our child to grow up lame? I’ll show him how to
walk. First the left leg.
B: First the left leg.
C: Then your right leg.
B: Then my right leg.
C: Then your left leg.
B: Then my left…
A: Stop this! What do you think you’re doing?
(B balances on one leg)
C: I’m just trying to teach my baby how to walk.
A: Well he’s my baby also and he’s not going to walk like that.
C: Oh ya? I can also be stubborn. If he doesn’t walk like that, then he’s not
going to walk at all.
A: Fine.
C: Fine.
(B falls down)
C: Don’t you think we can come up with a solution that satisfies both of
us?
A: Hmm…I suppose if we really put our minds to it.
B: They did put their minds to it and they did come up with a brilliant
compromise.
A: Get up! Come and have breakfast. It’s time for school.
(B bunny hops to his parents)
C: Be a good boy, ok?
A: Make us proud parents.
B: I was a very confused child, probably because my parents were such
conflicting individuals.
A: Ha ha! No wonder you’re such a chicken!
B: Shut up! I’m not a chicken!
C: Yes you are, yes you are. Mummy left wing, daddy right wing! Chicken!
Pak pak pakaaak! Pak pak pakaaak!
B: Daddy am I a chicken? Daddy! Am I a chicken?
A: No, why would you say that?
B: Because my friend just called me a chicken.
A: Be a man. Stand up for yourself.
C: Only a chicken would go running to his father like that!
B: Oh ya? Paba!.
A: What did you say?
B: He called me chicken so I said Paba!
C: Do you even know what that word means?
B: No.
A: Do you think you can use words as you like? Get out. Leave the house
right now.
C: And don’t you dare come back until you find out exactly what it means.
Go, get lost.
B: It was my first brush with the limitations to what people were allowed to
do and say.
A,C: Don’t you dare, don’t you dare!
B: Freedom of speech is a fundamental right, but you’re not allowed to say
anything you want. There’s always someone waiting to say…
A,C: Don’t you dare say that!
B: Freedom of speech is a fundamental right
But there’s always someone waiting to say
A,C: Don’t you dare say that!
B: Years later, when I wrote my first book, I called it Paba.
A: Unputdownable.
B: Times Literary Supplement.
C: Mesmerizing, a true work of art.
B: The New York Review of Books. It sold millions of copies and was made
into a movie which made millions of dollars. But it wasn’t just a
commercial success…
A: And the Oscar goes to…
All: Paba!
B: Journalists clamored for interviws with me, to find out what I thought and
felt about every imaginable topic. Some questions were easy enough to
answer. Yes, you in the blue shirt and spectacles.
A: My question for you is…What do you think but do you think there is an is
there but do you think what is there is do you think there? What do you
think?
B: Interesting question and I have to say, I agree with you.
(A,C scribble)
B: Although I differ on some key points.
(A,C scribble)
B: Some questions were harder. The lovely lady in the corner over there?
C: Yes, my question is What is your opinion on capital punishment?
B: I’m sorry? Could you speak up please?
C: Do you think capital punishment is morally defensible?
B: Oh..uhm…yes I agree with you.
C: But I haven’t said anything for you to agree with.
B: Although on some key points, I differ. Next the gentleman in the front
row. Yes you sir.
C: You haven’t answered my question!
A: It’s my turn. You had your turn. Now it’s my turn. My question is…what
shampoo do you use?
B: Hah! I am a world-famous author. Surely you can ask me more important
things than that.
A: But it’s what the public wants to know.
B: What the public wants to know. Hah! Oh alright.
A: Yes?
B: Sun Silk with almond extract.
A: Sunsilk!
C: With almond extract.
B: Suddenly I was a celebrity and I found myself in invited to cocktail parties
where I stood around and...
C: Oh, I saw your interview the other day on television where that
impertinent journalist asked you what shampoo you used.
B: He said it’s what the public wanted to know.
A: Really, the media today has no respect for privacy. But you know what
they say, almond today, cashew tomorrow.
(A,C freeze)
B: Almond today, cashew tomorrow. Who says that? Almond today, cashew
tomorrow. Is that a joke? If it is, should I smile politely or burst out
laughing? Almond today cashew tomorrow…
(A, C burst out laughing. B follows.)
C: That’s an excellent one.
B: That’s a brilliant one. I must remember it.
Thanks to my book, I traveled all over the world. Breakfast in London,
lunch in Paris, leave just in time to make it to the dinner party in New
York. But back home in India, nobody had read my book because it never
made it past…the censors.
The rules of censorship are very simple. If something is objectionable you
can’t show it. Who decides what is objectionable? The censor board, of
course.
C: Stop! Stop!
A: What? Why?
C: They are almost kissing.
A: Almost kissing? What do you mean almost kissing? Are they kissing or
are they not kissing?
C: They are Almost kissing.
A: Exactly. They are Almost kissing. That’s not enough. Keep looking.
B: The censor board is a group of highly qualified individuals who have to
sift through the rot that you and I churn out, and decide what is fit for
public consumption.
C: Stop! Stop!
A: Now what is it?
C: He’s…uhm…he’s nuzzling her cleavage.
A: Good point, good point. But I’m going to allow it. And the reason I’m
going to allow it is twofold. Listen carefully. Well threefold actually. One-
he restricts the nuzzling to an area which is above where her nipple
would be presumed to begin.
B,C: Aha! Wah! Wah!
A: Two- throughout the nuzzling action his mouth remains closed.
B,C: Aha! Wah!
A: And three, most importantly, at no point during the nuzzling can you see
the line defining her cleavage.
B,C: Oh Ho! Aha! Wah! Wah! Wah!
A: There’s a simple rule of thumb to follow in this regard.
If there’s no line
It’s perfectly fine.
C: If there’s no line, it’s perfectly fine. No line perfectly fine no line perfectly
fine….
B: Objectionable images, vulgar lyrics, misplaced morals…these are all
things that censors have to watch out for. Sometimes they have to make
difficult choices. For example, in the famous instance, (clears throat and
sings Sexy Sexy Sex. C enjoys)
A: Stop! Stop this! This is too, too vulgar. Cut!
C: (disappointed) Cut. Cut. Cut.
A: Don’t cut the entire song. Only wherever the word Sexy occurs.
B: Aaaaah….
(B sings Sexy Sexy without the Sexys)
C: What about the pelvic thrusts performed throughout the song?
A: That’s ok, that’s fine. Dry humping is a part of Indian culture. Sexy is not
a part of Indian culture.

Song 3

B: I made a film about love

They said it was too pornographic.
A: What is that?
C: What is that?
B: It’s a woman having an orgasm.
A: You can’t show that.
C: She looks too happy.
B: I made a film about hate
They said that it had too much blood.
A: What is that?
C: What is that?
B: It’s a cow that was trapped in a shed and burnt to death in a riot.
A: You can’t show that.
C: It’s too ironic.
B: I made a film about Gandhi.
They said it was just too funny.
A: What is that?
C: What is that?
B: It’s Mr Gandhi. Just after he’s been shot. Moments before he crumpled
completely.
A: You can’t show that.
C: He looks like he’s having an orgasm.

B: Being a censor is hard, hard work. You have to be highly qualified before
you get an important job like that.
A: My ISC average was 92%. I lost my virginity when I was seventeen and
was actively into gang fighting in college. So sex and violence are really
nothing new to me.
C: I did law so I know the difference between right and wrong. It’s not
always possible to explain. Somebody with experience just has to decide.
B: See that’s the wrong approach. obscenity, violence- all these things have
an economic fallout that can be quantified, which is where my degree
from the London School of Economics comes in.
C: If it’s art it’s not obscene. If it’s obscene it’s not art. And that distinction
can only be made by an artist.
A: Science holds the key to the ultimate truth. All decisions must be based on
a hypothesis which is verified by experimentation.
C: Hypotheses? Experimentation? These are human beings you’re talking
about here. You can’t use hypotheses and experimentation to predict
human behaviour.
A: Of course you can. Watch. Where is the subject?
B: Here.
A: And the control?
C: Here.
A: The control is allowed to roam freely whereas the subject is confined to
a room where the only other object is a large blown-up photograph
of a woman’s breast.
(B,C gasp. B is covered. From behind the sheet…)
B: Please? Could I have some food please? I’m very thirsty. I’ve
been here for two whole days. Some food, some water please. I’ve been
here for three days…
A: The experiment is concluded one week later, and I ask them identical
 questions. Describe what you are currently feeling.
C: Nothing in particular.
A: Nothing in particular?
A, C: Nothing in particular. Nothing nothing nothing in particular…
A: Our control is hale and hearty whereas our subject…our subject is
completely dead from prolonged exposure to a woman’s breast. What a
tragic end to a landmark experiment in….in…
C: Human psychology?
A: Yes. Definitely. Human psychology.

B: When you become a celebrity you lose a lot of your privacy. The phones
never stop ringing. (C becomes ringing phone) I don’t know where
everybody gets my number from, but I suppose it’s part of being a public
figure. Hello?
C: Hello?
B: Yes? Who is it?
C: I am going to kill you.
B: What?
C: I have read your book and I am going to kill you.
B: Didn’t you call yesterday?
C: No. That was not me. That was somebody else.
B: But you said exactly the same thing. You’ve read my book and you’re
going to kill me. Don’t you remember?
C: No. But I have read your book and I am going to kill you. Because it is an
insult to…
B: To?
C: To…to…it is an insult to..h..h… humanity.
B: You haven’t read the book, have you?
C: Peep pipipipeep pipipipeep...

B: So there I was. An internationally renowned, successful writer. But I felt

 like I wasn’t making a difference where it truly mattered. So I decided to
take matters into my own hands. I decided to become a politician. And to
launch my political career, I released a music video featuring…well
featuring me of course.

Song 4
AEABCBA
I’m so tired of explaining
I’ve had enough complaining
Although I lack formal training
I wanna be a politician baby
I don’t wanna be a chuth
I’m gonna form a coalition baby
And I’m gonna tell the truth

B: I even released a music video which had me cavorting with two gorgeous,
skimpily dressed models.

I’ll treat you with affection

Represent every section
Vote me in the next election
I wanna be a politician baby
I don’t wanna be a chuth
I’m gonna form a coalition baby
And I’m gonna tell the truth, I’m gonna tell the….Truth!

B: What can I say? Songwriting isn’t one of my strongest talents.

But it worked. People began to pay attention to me. On my first day as a
politician I had a rather distinguished visitor. Prime Minister! What an
unexpected surprise!
A: Do you know what I’m doing here?
B: I suspect it has something to do with my decision to join politics.
A: Exactly! Our party needs young blood like you. Don’t disappoint me.
B: Just as I as wondering what to say to him, there was another knock on my
door. Leader of the Opposition! What an honour!
A: You! What are you doing here?
C: The same thing you are I’m sure.
A: Which is?
C: I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?
(FILL)
B: They glared at each other, neither of them willing to be the first one to
blink. And then, they began to hurl insults at each other like metal mike
stands.
A: You sly thieving conniving piece of…
C: You lying worthless two-faced lump of…
A: Vile sleazy greasy rat!
C: Coarse wretched trashy dog!
B: This went on for a while until they ran out of insults.
A: (Running out of insults) Immoral…brainless…dirty…
C: (Ditto) Foolish…stupid…smelly…
(Deep breath)
A: Your mother…
C: My mother?
A: Your mother….
C: My mother?
A: Your mother was fat!
C: Not really!
A: No?
C: No. She was the correct weight for her height.
A: Oh.
(Deep breath)
C: Your father…
A: My father…?
C: Your father…?
A: My father…?
C: Your father needed spectacles!
A: That’s quite correct!
C: Really?
A: Yes! He had power in his left eye.
C: Oh.
B: It was then that I decided to break the news. I’m sorry to disappoint the
two of you but I have no intention of joining either of your parties.
A,C: What?
A: Not the ruling party?
C: Or the opposition? Then which part will you join?
B: I will start…My Own Party. Which I will lead according to my vision.
(A,C laugh and stop abruptly)
A: You’re still a young boy.
C: You’re entitled to a few years of idealism.
B: And there you have it. My first day as an active politician.
B: Around this time I made a series of statements that upset a lot of people.
(A,C dance)
The first of these was... “The truth must be told.”
(A, C dance)
A seemingly innocuous thing to say but it had a lot of people upset.
(Dance)
And some of them were rather important public figures.
A: Why are you saying such things about me?
B: But Prime Minister I haven’t said anything about you.
A: Don’t argue with your Prime Minister.
B: The Leader of the Opposition was equally convinced that the statement
was directed at him.
C: Take back what you said about me immediately.
B: I’ve said nothing about you.
C: Son I joined politics before you wore your first pair of chaddis. I know
when somebody makes an accusation.
B: Alright. I’ll issue a clarification immediately. I sincerely apologize for my
previous statement, which hurt of lot of people’s feelings. All I really
meant to say was…
A,C: Was?
B: Was…the guilty must be punished.
(A,C are shocked)
C: Enough!
A: We do you a favor and give you a little freedom of speech…
C: And this is how you use it?
B: By now I was having too much fun to stop.
(Dripping with sarcasm) I’m very very sorry. Please, give me one more
chance and I’ll clear everything up. Please.
A: Alright.
C: One more chance.
B: Thank you. That’s so kind of you.
Ahem…I would like to offer a public apology for the inflammatory
statements I have made in the recent past. I now realise that I misused my
position in society, as a writer. Henceforth I promise to be a more
responsible individual. And in conclusion I would just like to say that the
chicken came before the egg.
There was some confusion as people wondered what to make of that. And
then…
A: Blasphemy!
C: Treachery!
A: Sedition!
C: Conspiracy!
B: You can abuse me, you can threaten me, but I’m well within my rights.
There’s nothing you can do to me.
 (Dance. B moves to centre.) Remember, you too should speak and say
whatever you want to say. After all words are your strongest weapons.
(B is muzzled. moves to SR and gestures. Back to centre.)
A: You have been hereby accused of being a Blabbermouth.
C: And thus violating the Blabbermouth Act of 1952.
A: Which states, I quote “Ceterus paribus, thou canst not just say what thou
wants.”
C: Ergo thou sometimes has to keep your mouth shut…ad hominem.
A: Quid pro quo. Amen.
C: Amen.
B: The two politicians had made careers out of disagreeing with each other.
But when it came to me, they suddenly found themselves in perfect
agreement.
C: Prime Minister!
A: Leader of the Opposition!
B: Unsure of how to deal with the situation they went around posing for
photo-ops.
A: How are you doing?
C: Fine. And you ?
B: I was written into nonexistence. Erased from government records. Edited
from school textbooks. Blotted out of public memory. It was like I had
never existed. And the politicians continued to make polite conversation.
A: Oh fine. How’s your son?
C: Fine. How’s your ulcer?
A: Fine. How’s your sinus?
C: Oh fi…I never had any problem with my sinus.
A: I know, I know. I was just checking if anything had happened to it.
B: I thought people would remember me but they didn’t. They quickly moved
onto other things. And before long the same people who had once
showered praise on me, had never even heard of me.
Meanwhile in the Parliament, an unlikely, illicit romance was blossoming.
A: Urgent! Confidential! Need to see you immediately in my office to discuss
important matters of the State.
C: Will be there at the earliest possible. You wanted to see me?
A: Yes.
C: You said it was urgent.
A: Yes I wanted to see you. Urgently.
C: What is it?
A: Nothing. I wanted to see you. That’s all. It was urgent.
C: Prime Minister! You can’t waste my time and the taxpayers’ money like
this. We have work to do.
A: Work, work, work! What about life? What about laughter? What about
(intense emotion)…love?
C: Oh Prime Minister!
B: They found any excuse to have closed door meetings. Long dusty
afternoons spent in the central hall of parliament.

A: So what do you think about the budget this year?

C: Pretty good. What do you think?
A: Not bad. But if you don’t like it…
C: No, no I don’t mind it.
A: Ok then.
C: Is the meeting over?
A: No, no there are still things to discuss. What do you think of…of…the
new disaster management team?
C: Oh I don’t really know much about it. But I really want to get to know it,
so that I can understand it and be closer to it.
(B whacks his head in exasperation)
B: After much dillydallying the Prime Minister mustered up the courage to
say what both of them already knew.
C: But we can’t!
A: Why not?
C: We’re both married.
A: So?
C: We’re not from the same party.
A: So?
C: We’re not from the same caste.
A: So?
C: Our stars are not aligned.
A: Oh, they’re not?
C: No. You’re Rahu is in my Ketu.
A: Oh I can’t take this anymore!
(Sex)
B: When they had finished, they sat and had an honest discussion about their
future. They realised there was no way their relationship could last in its
present form. But at the same time they couldn’t live without each other.
So they decided to join hands, politically speaking, and form a brand new
party.
C: You’re the Prime Minister and I’m the Leader of the Opposition. If we
join forces, we’ll be indestructible.
A: Once we are elected we’ll make sure nobody else comes into power.
C: We’ll call our party…the Free Party!
B: The brand new party channeled the two lovers’ passionate feelings for
each other into an equally passionate clampdown on people’s freedoms.
A: No walking with your hands in your pockets.
C: No dancing without written permission.
A: No scratching your ear when it itches.
C: No traveling without written permission.
A: No smiling for more than six seconds at a stretch.
C: No writing without written permission.
B: Culminating in…the Dictionary Act.
A: Most esteemed and distinguished gathering!
C: Most august and splendid audience!
A: We come before you to make an announcement.
C: An important and timely announcement.
A: That henceforth and as of this moment
C: Underline henceforth and as of this moment.
A: There shall be no more dictionaries.
C: Underline no more dictionaries.

B: I tried to protest, but when you’re not allowed to say what you
want…
A,C: Acetone Asepsis Azure Baleful Brolly Burlesque
A: Predictably I hear some among you gasp, and say
C: (Gasp) What? No more dictionaries? But why? Why?
A: Which brings us to the root of the problem- Why!
C: To which we respond with…
A: Haven’t you ever looked up a dirty word in a dictionary?
C: Haven’t you ever looked up a body part in a dictionary?
A: Haven’t you ever looked up a word and found that it meant a sexual
C: And, despite knowing what it meant, didn’t you come back and look it up
again?
A: Haven’t you ever looked up a sexual preference?
C: Orientation?
A: Symbol
C: or allusion
A: And didn’t you feel a tinge of guilt as someone came into the room?
B: A democracy’s worst nightmare. When anyone who has anything to
say…
A,C: Ebullient Eschew Expedite Deduct Disconnect Dumbbell
A: Is this right? Do we want our children exposed to this kind of literature?
Extensively documented,
C: Painstakingly classified in alphabetical order so that you can find your
dirty words within seconds…
A: With multiple definitions.
C: And examples of usage.
A: And…(shudder)illustrations!
C: To end this evil rein of filth and smut
A: To bring an end to debauchery
C: We declare that no more henceforth shall dictionaries be bought
A: Sold
C: Exchanged
A: Owned
C: Sold
A: Bought
C: or exchanged
A: Any-so-body defying this order shall die by such means as hanging
C: Or having their heads cut off
A: Or, even worse, by decapitation! So act now.
C: Burn your Oxfords
A: Shred your Websters’
C: And feed your Random Houses to the dogs.
A,C: There shall be no more dictionaries.

B: fail far fat fear fence

film fire first flicker
flog flower fly fold
foam focus foetus fog
free free free freeze

Song 5
Lie back a little and expect to see the light
Close your eyes, decide what’s wrong or right
A little play runs dry
Don’t ask what when or why
Fingers clench and wait for what might bleed
I wrote the bible that you’re so afraid to read
Something made you cry
The dirt inside your eye

Chorus:
It’s about as useful as a crowd in a trial
Holier than you’ve ever been and more in style
Drop the cause and join the line

Dream about the life you’ll never live

Buy and wrap the gifts you’ll never give
A little play runs dry
Don’t ask what when or why
Hide your palms, they make your crimes too clear
Wear a mask, your smile betrays no fear
Something made you cry
The dirt inside your eye

Chorus:
It’s about as useful as a crowd in a trial
Holier than you’ve ever been and more in style
Drop the cause and join the line