Healing Ministry 1
Volume 17, Number 2
R eflectio ns
Simply be: How to be
a caregiver amid the
frozen periods of life
Father Dn. Tho m as Jo hnso n-Med land , CSJ, OSL
Imagine my surprise when
“Googling” the fight or flight
response to stress and finding
that “or freeze” was also listed as
part of the medical response to
stressors and conflict. Here, I
thought I had discovered that all
“on my own” by watching peo-
ple respond to critical situations
in their living and dying. Alas, no
Nobel Prize for that discovery–
at least not for me.
We don’t often banter about
Fath e r Dn. Th o m as Jo h nso n-Me d land ,
CSJ, OSL is o ne o f th e m anage rs o f th e
Po co no Plateau Cam p + Retreat Center,
Cresco , Pennsylvania. He also p ro vid es
Sp iritual Directio n + Fo rm atio n as a p ri-
vate co nsultant. He lives in the Po co no s
w ith h is w ife Glind a, and his tw o so ns:
Zachary Aid an and Jo siah Gabriel.
this third response to the pres-
ence of conflict and stressors in
our lives, but in my 49 years on
this earth, I have seen countless
people just drop everything and
stare off into the headlights,
frozen in time and space–com-
pletely out of energy and will to
do anything at all. A lot of it is
personal baggage from living
with and loving a father who was
finally successful in taking his
own life.
Up until his final attempt on
his life–he and we who loved
him–lived through a series of
his immobilizations and retreat-
ing from what seemed to be a
“will to live and the good sense
to enact that will.” I know it is not
that simple, but having lived on
the inside of this trauma it is the
first place the mind goes.
I remember having written a
poem in my early adulthood
about a recurring image that I
had–over and over again. The
line that has been in my heart
ever since is: “I do not know
what it is that caused you to lay
down your sword on the field
of battle that day, or what it
was told you to place me on the
field as well–me, your swad-
dled and infant son. I have no
idea. I do know that it has taken
every ounce of my energy and
will to emerge from your field of
battle.”
There are moments in life
when people freeze and just
never are able or enabled to pull
2 Healing Ministry
Volume 17, Number 2
it all back together again. It is a
good thing for us to acknowl-
edge this and discuss the sort of
therapeutic response that may be
used in cases like this and how to
disentangle ourselves from the
“apparent lack of success” that
comes from being a caregiver in
this situation.
Some people will just freeze at
the end of life and die frozen. It is
not a reflection of the interven-
tions applied at this critical junc-
ture by teams and family mem-
bers that emerge at the end of life
to provide care. It is a reflection
of a life lived and choices for cop-
ing that have been utilized all
along the way. “We die the way
we live.”
Standing on the inside of a
family that has survived two sui-
cides and countless attempts
from family members has taught
me this. There is a response to
these situations that we can
have–it does not mean that
these events of frozenness are not
painful–in order to still bear out
our presence in the life of the
“frozen one.”
At times we will have the per-
sonal need to confront the frozen
individual with contradictory
reality in order to help “snap
them out of it.” In some cases,
and particularly early on in the
onset of “freezing” as a response,
this contradictory reality is able
to remediate the situation. But,
as a person sinks further and
further into depression and anx-
iety (deeply connected to pain;
both physical and psychic) the
presentation of contradictory
reality is not only unable to stim-
ulate a different response, it may
actually deepen the individuals
“frozen stature.”
From where I have been, it has
become vital to develop an
understanding and acceptance of
“simple presence” as a way of
being with people in the frozen
state. People freeze for reasons.
We may or may not know the
reasons, but there is a reason
behind the frozen state they
enter. In my Dad’s case, he was
dealing with the murder of his
mother–by his father–and then
his father’s subsequent suicide.
Add to that that he found the
bodies. There are reasons that
people freeze.
Those reasons make it no less
painful and difficult for the peo-
ple involved, engaged, and inte-
grated into the lives of the ones
who freeze. It is agonizing. But,
they have reasons.
I think what happens when
people freeze is that they become
still inside and out while the
majority of the rest of the uni-
verse (both inside and outside–
that is emotionally, ethically, and
spiritually as well as socially,
vocationally, and fiscally) moves
on. When the frozen one “wak-
ens” or “comes to” they no longer
recognize the world around
them because it has shifted. This
gives them a chance to fight, flee,
or freeze all over again. Once the
brain and the entire nervous sys-
tem goes through a series of these
encounters and responses, it
tends to hardwire these reactions
into the circuitry and automati-
cally begin fulfilling previous
responses in the present.
Being able to just simply be
yourself and be among frozen
people offers a sense of normalcy
for them in their condition. It
gives them an underlying “nor-
mal” to interpret things by–par-
ticularly if they emerge from
their state. It also provides some-
one who will be there when they
awaken that can help them sort
out where they are and what is
going on. It requires being your-
self and not shielding the frozen
one from hidden or difficult feel-
ings, notions, and realities.
In the hospice ministry we
have clearly learned the art of sit-
ting with and being with
patients. So many people go into
a nonresponsive state as they
approach death that it has
become wired into our way of
being with people that we sit,
read, sing, pray, and just “exist”
in the presence of the silent ones.
This is a witness to life it is also a
way of decreasing the isolation
that individuals face at this time
in living and dying.
This ability is perhaps one of
the greatest gifts that the commu-
nity of hospice has to offer to the
human family and the therapeu-
tic community at-large. Take the
time to share this hospice gift
with caregivers in your area.
Teach them how to “simply be”
with other people. No judgment.
No preaching. No agenda.
Simply be.