When Grief Stays

“I always thought that it would be different; that I could be strong

and that it would turn out alright. But that was then. That was before I realized that
the grief I feel from losing you may never go away. It’s been six months since I lost
you, but I still find it hard to believe you’re gone. There have been more times than
a few when I have picked up the phone to call you. There was even that awkward
meal when I accidentally set a place for you. Come on! It’s been six months! Why
has this pain not gotten any easier?”

Half a year seems like a long time. Maybe you have felt like you shouldn’t be still
grieving this hard. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Grief takes time and, contrary to
popular belief, may never fully go away. Grief is humanity’s coping mechanism to
help bring us healing after a loss. Resisting grief or getting stuck on one cycle of grief
may keep us from moving on. Grief has many emotions that flare up from time to
time. Emotions like questioning, anger and depression
are roadside stops on a path to healing. But occasionally
in this grieving process, we turn our roadside stops into
homesteads. This is when grief goes from being healthy
to being unhealthy.

Anger: When someone close to you dies, an honest,

wholesome, natural tendency is to try to understand the
reason for it and to place blame. This natural tendency is
perfectly fine, as long as we walk through this roadside
stop with caution. Homesteading on blame and anger
will only make you bitter. Bitterness will not resolve our
issues, but it will block our healing. Bitterness wounds
our spirit. Turning memories into madness and sweet
times into sorrow. Even if there is blame to lay, turning it into bitterness does not
hurt anyone more than it hurts ourselves. Bitterness is the poison we drink hoping
another person will suffer. So if you have stayed in Anger Town a little too long, you
are not walking on the road to a full life of healing. Here is a suggestion to help you

I t is a therapeutic wonder to wrap your hands,

heart and time into something that was
meaningful to your loved one.
get back on track: forgive absolutely everyone involved. Even if they don’t deserve
it. Even if they weren’t there when your loved one passed away. Even if they
couldn’t come to the funeral. Even if they didn’t help financially. Even if they never
showed up to clean out your loved one’s belongings. Even if they stole some time or
possessions from you and your loved one. Even if they were in the wrong. Forgiving
is not condoning or agreeing with their bad decisions. Even if you don’t want to,
forgive anyway, not because they deserve it, but because you do.

Sadness: There is an uncomfortable emotion that runs through the grieving process
called sadness. It creates a whole world of emotions that fight against one other.

W hatever the task that comes your way,

allow your heart to grieve.
Sadness may cause you to isolate yourself, which then turn, may create loneliness.
If you live in loneliness, your thoughts may convince you that, “No one cares.” As
the sadness and isolation compound, they may turn into feelings of depression.
If your depression persists, you may find yourself homesteading in deep sorrow,
which is no longer ‘normal’ grieving. You do not have to live with depression – it is
a common, treatable condition. This type of lingering, debilitating depression, (or
what doctors would call clinical depression), requires help. Reach out to a
counselor, a pastor or a doctor. Reach out to Senior Care Partners P.A.C.E. at
(269) 441-9300 and we can find you a good resource to talk to.

Passing through roadside stops is necessary. Living at roadside stops is

unhealthy. Becoming stuck in any of these stages can cause suffering.
Eventually, when you come to the conclusion that you have suffered
enough, you will decide it’s time to move on with your life, even if slowly at
first. It won’t be time to stop hurting . . . but it will be time to stop making
this pain the central focus of your life. We just have to decide, “Is grief
staying too long?” or am “I staying too long with grief?”
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