The Professor and the Prostitute

by

Marcia Eppich-Harris

Marcia Eppich-Harris
4621 Melbourne Road
+16507874115
marcia@meppichharris
 CHARACTERS

VALERIE HARDY - PROFESSOR OF ENGLISH, SPECIALIST IN RENAISSANCE

LITERATURE, 59

MARK TOWNSEND - PROVOST, PHD IN MATHEMATICS, 65

PAUL STOCKTON - PROFESSOR OF THEOLOGY, FORTIES

MARINA DECKER - STUDENT AND STRIPPER, 21

FLINT - MANAGER OF THE CAT NIP, LATE-FORTIES

LUCY - STRIPPER AND DRUG ADDICT, MID-THIRTIES

CHARLIE - JANITOR, MID-FIFTIES

JILL CARTER - ASSISTANT PROFESSOR OF ENGLISH, SPECIALIST IN 20TH

CENTURY WOMEN'S LITERATURE, MID-THIRTIES
 SETTING

University town in Midwestern America.

TIME

Now

ACT I

1.1 Provost's office

1.2 Hallway

1.3 Hallway

1.4 Valerie's office

1.5 Cat Nip, Flint's office

1.6 Cat Nip, Dressing room

1.7 Valerie's office

1.8 Valerie's office

1.9 Cat Nip, Club floor

1.10 Valerie's office

ACT II

2.1 Campus quad, protest

2.2 Classroom

2.3 Cat Nip, Dressing room

2.4 Valerie's office

2.5 Valerie's office

2.6 Campus quad, protest

2.7 Cat Nip, Dressing room

2.8 Valerie's office

2.9 Valerie's office

 Props

Envelope with letter (2 - 1 will be torn)

Cell phone
Paradise Lost by Milton
Complete Works of Shakespeare anthology
Makeup brushes and makeup
Hair brushes
Books
Photocopies
Bag
Backpack
Trash can
Recycling can
Large trash can on wheels (or large trash bag for Charlie
to collect trash)
Beer bottle
Cash
Fliers (pink) for the protest
Pink utility flags for the protest
Poster board sign for the protest
Cardboard boxes to pack books in
 1.

ACT 1

SCENE 1

(Interior office. MARK is on the

phone with university President,
sitting at his desk.)

MARK
Yes, sir. I'm meeting with Valerie Hardy in just a few
minutes. (Beat) I know she's high priority for your
plan. (Beat) If I could be frank, sir, I don't think
she's going to go for it. (Beat) No, no. I'm willing
to talk to her. (Beat) Right, it's just that she is
such a . . . (Beat) Hey, you said it. (Laughs. Beat) I
know. The day Valerie Hardy is gone will be the best
day of my life. (Beat) She really is the most
difficult woman I've ever met. (Beat) Yes, sir.
Nothing like getting rid of a few bad apples. (Beat) I
have the reports right here. (Beat) No worries. No one
ever reads them. (Beat) Okay. (Beat) Yes, sir, leave
it to me. (Beat) I'll let you know when it's done.
(Mark hangs up the phone and starts
looking at a report on his desk.
VALERIE knocks at the door.)

MARK
Come in.

VALERIE
You wanted to see me, Mark?

MARK
Hey, Valerie. Thanks for coming over.

VALERIE
So, how are things in "provost land"?

MARK
Oh, you know--reports and assessment. Enrollment
figures. Lots to do, as always.

VALERIE
More numbers than I care to think about, I'm sure.
 2.

MARK
I guess that's why they hired a Math guy to be the
provost, eh?

VALERIE
I suppose. (Beat) So what can I do for you, Mark?

MARK
Right, well, spring break is coming up, as you know--

VALERIE
The one week we all catch up on grading.

MARK
Yes--well, it's contract time for me. No rest for the
wicked.

VALERIE
Yes?

MARK
Val, how long have you been at St. Sebastian?

VALERIE
Next year will be thirty years.

MARK
It's changed quite a bit since you started.

VALERIE
I was lucky--I got into academia before it went to
hell. Our poor graduate students have to publish at
least two articles to even be considered for a
professor's job these days--sometimes a book. I didn't
publish my first book until I already had a job for a
few years.

MARK
How many books have you published in all?

VALERIE
(Thinks for a moment) Eight of my own, several edited
collections, articles -- no idea how many. If I had
more time, of course, I'd write more.

MARK
Are you interested in that? More time?
 3.

VALERIE
Who wouldn't want more time, Mark? Especially at my
age.

MARK
You're not older than me, right? I'm 65.

VALERIE
(Beat) No. I'm not older than you.

MARK
You see, Valerie, I've been running numbers for all
our departments in liberal arts, and there has been
quite a downturn in major enrollment over the last
five years.

VALERIE
That's hard to imagine -- the undergraduate enrollment
has gone up 26%.

MARK
But much of that enrollment has discounted tuition.

VALERIE
What does that have to do with the number of majors?

MARK
What I mean is that numbers can be deceiving. You'd
think that revenue would increase with the number of
enrolled students, but it hasn't. It's fairly
stagnant.

VALERIE
Are we in financial exigency?

MARK
No--not yet, anyway.

VALERIE
Not yet.

MARK
Not yet. But... the number of eighteen-year-olds has
fallen nation-wide. Falling enrollment is inevitable
over the next ten years. We're having to look at our
numbers and see what we can do to save money.
 4.

VALERIE
What has the faculty senate said?

MARK
We've discussed hiring freezes for full-time faculty.

VALERIE
We're already so overworked, though. Are you thinking
about more part-timers, adjuncts?

MARK
That's very possible.

VALERIE
We already have a hefty amount--at least 60% of the
faculty.

MARK
Nobody wants that--it's just the way it has to be
right now. The circumstances make things difficult.

VALERIE
Hiring adjuncts for everything is not sustainable.
You'll have to hire full-time, tenure-track people
eventually, or this place won't even resemble a
university. What about retirements?

MARK
That's another thing we've been talking about.

VALERIE
Will you replace tenure-line retirements? (Beat. His
silence clearly indicates "no.") Really?

MARK
We decided--

VALERIE
Who is "we"?

MARK
The president, me, the executive administration, the
Board of Trustees--in consultation with the faculty
senate, of course.

VALERIE
(Beat) Of course.
 5.

MARK
We thought we'd make a few buyout offers.

VALERIE
To whom?

MARK
To professors who have achieved full promotion.

VALERIE
Like me.

MARK
Like you, and of course, other people. It's not
anything personal, and it's not an "age
discrimination" thing--

VALERIE
(Mildly sarcastic) Of course not.

MARK
We're making offers to anyone who is a full professor,
and some of those folks are quite a lot younger than
(starts to say "you", but reverses course)... me. I
think there's a Theology professor who has maxed out
on promotions, and he's easily in his early forties.

VALERIE
And the senate approved of this?

MARK
Look, Val, none of us have much of a choice.

VALERIE
Sure--with the numbers being what they are...

MARK
I'm glad you're seeing reason.

VALERIE
And with nobody majoring in things like Philosophy,
English, History, Theology, Music, Art...

MARK
The Humanities are in the toilet.

VALERIE
And you're ready to flush, eh?
 6.

MARK
It's not like we're canceling programs.

VALERIE
No, just people's careers.

MARK
How much longer were you going to teach, anyway?
Wouldn't you rather write?

VALERIE
Oh, yes, I would much rather make money off my
stunning book sales. My royalties were in the tens-of-
dollars last year.

MARK
Perhaps you could write something more... popular. You
know, channel Hemingway or whoever you study.

VALERIE
Shakespeare.

MARK
Right. He's popular. You could adapt one of his
novels.

VALERIE
Shakespeare wrote plays.

MARK
Okay--write novel adaptations of his plays.

VALERIE
Mark, I've known you for twelve years. I've been here
longer than you. I'm clearly more intelligent than
you. And I have tenure. You can't fire me unless
there's financial exigency or I've done something
illegal or harmful to the students or my colleagues.
You can't force me out.

MARK
Nobody is being forced out. We're just having
conversations.

VALERIE
Who else have you talked to so far?
 7.

MARK
Come on--I can't disclose personnel information, but
I've met with some people already. I have several more
meetings scheduled.

VALERIE
All people from the Humanities?

MARK
Mostly.

VALERIE
So while you're hiring for science and professional
studies, you're going to pay for it with getting rid
of the core of the school, the Humanities.

MARK
We're not cutting any programs. We just have to trim.

VALERIE
And trimming full professors, I imagine, will be
pretty lucrative for you--not to mention surgically
removing people who can stand up to the administration
without fear of retaliation.

MARK
(Beat) Retaliation can come in many different forms.

VALERIE
Is that a threat?

MARK
Just an observation. (Pause) Listen, Valerie --

VALERIE
Dr. Hardy, if you don't mind.

MARK
(Beat) All right. (Beat) Dr. Hardy, I have an offer
letter here for you. (Picks up an envelope) Take it
with you, have a look. If you aren't interested, fine.
It's just an offer.

VALERIE
(Takes envelope and rips it in half.)
I thought about it.
 8.

MARK
You're not even curious?

VALERIE
Yes, I am curious--I'm curious about what the hell has
happened to this place.

MARK
It's not just this place, Val--Dr. Hardy. Universities
are having a tough time everywhere.

VALERIE
And yet, somehow, not every university is offering
buyouts to its most knowledgeable and experienced
faculty.

MARK
No, they've just stopped hiring tenure-track
professors--or they've gotten rid of tenure entirely.
There haven't been guaranteed jobs in any other
industry for decades. Why should universities be any
different?

VALERIE
Universities are different. We exist for the public
good. Faculty give their lives to the exploration of
ideas – all ideas, not just the ones that are
politically correct or make the most money. But we
wouldn't be able to do that very well without tenure.
Tenure gives professors the freedom to explore their
subjects without worrying that their work will be
halted by controversy.

MARK
That is the old model, sure. But the concept of tenure
is from a different era--one that was a lot more
oppressive than our own. In a free society, we don't
have to worry about oppression of ideas.

VALERIE
(Aside) Only a man could say such a thing. (To Mark)
Look, Dr. Townsend, I know you think tenure is as old
fashioned as the slide rule, but it's necessary to do
the work that we do.
 9.

MARK
Oh please--it's not like researching Shakespeare is
controversial.

VALERIE
"There are more things in heaven and earth," Dr.
Townsend, "than are dreamt of in your philosophy." For
instance, could I speak frankly with you in this
meeting if I didn't have tenure?

MARK
I encourage all faculty, tenured or not, to speak
their minds.

VALERIE
Ah, yes, but then there are the unfortunate tenure
denials of those who do. Or contracts that aren't
renewed. Or unsavory class times given to mothers with
young children. I'm surprised you're not saving money
on all the junior faculty that you drive away.

MARK
(Beat) Well, happily there are always far too many
Humanities PhDs willing to take whatever job they can
scrounge up.

VALERIE
Are we through here?

MARK
Think about the offer.

EXIT VALERIE, SLAMMING THE

DOOR.
 10.

ACT 1

SCENE 2

ENTER MARINA

MARINA
(To an unseen couple of students -- or possibly on the
phone) Hey, how's it going? (Beat) Yeah, I'm good.
(Beat) Hey, what did think of the reading? (Beat) No,
Paradise Lost. (Beat) What do you mean you didn't do
it? (Beat) Ever heard of audio books? (Beat) No, I'm
not summarizing it. (Beat) Fine. It's the Adam and Eve
story. (Beat) No, from the Bible. (Beat) I didn't
think you needed to be religious to hear of Adam and
Eve. (Beat) No, Milton makes it way more complicated.
The poem starts with Satan; he's been thrown out of
heaven after a war with God, and he wants to get
revenge. (Beat) No, the war is later in the book.
(Beat) It starts in medias res, Jesus. (Beat) Right,
eat from the Tree of Knowledge. (Beat) Right. (Beat)
Good. You're not a total moron. (Beat) No, it's not
the same as Genesis--it's, like, a billion pages.
(Beat) What's it about? You mean, like, the message?
(Beat) I still have about a third of the book to go,
but honestly, I think it's a satire about God being a
dick. (Beat) Yeah, I work tonight. (Beat) Sure. (Beat)
Yeah. Send him over. (Beat) Yeah. (Beat) Yeah, hey, I
gotta go. (Beat) Yeah, I have to drop off some copies
I made for Dr. Hardy. (Beat) Okay. (Beat) See you
later. (Beat) Okay, bye.
 11.

ACT 1

SCENE 3

(Interior hallway)
(VALERIE walks through the hall and
runs into a colleague, PAUL.)

VALERIE
Hi, Paul.

PAUL
Hey, Val. (Beat) Everything okay?

VALERIE
Paul, are you a full professor?

PAUL
Yeah, I was promoted last spring.

VALERIE
Congratulations.

PAUL
Thanks... why do you ask?

VALERIE
Have you gotten one of these? (Indicates torn in half
letter that she is still carrying.)

PAUL
A torn envelope?

VALERIE
It's a buyout offer. I just met with the provost.

PAUL
Ah.

VALERIE
So you know about this?

PAUL
I had my meeting a few days ago.

VALERIE
How does that feel? "Here's a promotion, and by the
way, we want you to leave!"
 12.

PAUL
It doesn't feel great.

VALERIE
I've been here almost thirty years. I've never seen
anything like it.

PAUL
It's not what I dreamed about when I spent seven years
in graduate school.

VALERIE
What are you going to do?

PAUL
I'm not sure. What about you? Aren't you tempted to
take it?

VALERIE
Why? Because I'm old?

PAUL
No, I just thought, perhaps since you'd been here for
a while that it would be a lot of money.

VALERIE
I don't know how much money is involved.

PAUL
Did Mark say how much they were offering?

VALERIE
I don't think so. I was so shocked that at some point
I stopped really listening and just started reacting.

PAUL
Maybe you should look at the letter.

VALERIE
I wouldn't condescend to opening this letter.

PAUL
They offered me three years' salary.

VALERIE
Three years? My God, that's not exactly saving anyone
money, is it?
 13.

PAUL
It's enough to send my kids to college, which is the
main reason I've stayed in academia--the free tuition
thing.

VALERIE
I don't have children, so I've been staying for the
old-fashioned reason--the love thing.

PAUL
Don't get me wrong--

VALERIE
No, you "new people" are very pragmatic.

PAUL
I'm not new, Valerie. I've been here for thirteen
years. I'm the same rank as you.

VALERIE
But you are young enough that you could easily apply
to other jobs and still be considered a viable option.
You barely look like you're thirty. I'm not young
anymore.

PAUL
You're prolific, though. I'm shocked you haven't been
poached by a better university.

VALERIE
Things have changed. It's politics. It's gender. It's
age. It's so many things that you can't understand.
You weren't here when it was different--before
football became our best recruitment tool.

PAUL
You're not a fan of the St. Sebastian Arrows?

VALERIE
No. Arrows not only killed the original martyr,
they're doing a fair amount of harm to his
institutional namesake, too.

PAUL
The Arrows bring in a lot of money with football.
 14.

VALERIE
But not a lot of English majors.

PAUL
Or Theology majors. I know.

VALERIE
(Beat) You know, Paul, people around here sort of
think I'm a bitch.

PAUL
(Beat) No...

VALERIE
I'm not naive. I know I'm not everyone's favorite. The
administration hates it when I speak at all-faculty
meetings. I tend to ask the questions that are on
everyone's minds, but no one has the courage to bring
up.

PAUL
I think everyone who knows you admires you.

VALERIE
Perhaps those who know me, as you say. But those who
don't, those who only have a passing understanding of
who I am and what I've done in the last 29 years,
they'd see me take this buyout and say, "Good
riddance."

PAUL
They're jealous. You have an incredible career. You're
well-respected in your field--and by the colleagues
who know you. Students love you. Some students come
straight from Shakespeare to my New Testament class,
and they always say great things about you.

VALERIE
I'm hard on them.

PAUL
They need someone to be.

VALERIE
There are always a few students who respond well.
Maybe one or two a year. I live for those kids.
 15.

VALERIE (Continued)
They're the ones who tear into my office to declare
that Lady Macbeth is a witch! They just know it!

PAUL
I know the type.
(Enter Marina.)

MARINA
Hi, Dr. Hardy. Oh. Sorry to interrupt.

VALERIE
It's okay, Marina. I'm running late to meet with you.
I'm the one who should apologize.

PAUL
I was just going. (Starts to leave)

MARINA
Dr. Hardy, am I wrong, or is God sort of an asshole in
Paradise Lost?

PAUL
(Laughs) Yeah, she's your student.

VALERIE
Have a good spring break if I don't see you before,
Paul.

PAUL
You, too, Val.
(Exit PAUL.)
 16.

ACT 1

SCENE 4

(Interior - Valerie's Office)

MARINA
I love your office. You have so many books.

VALERIE
There are twice this many at home.

MARINA
Have you read all of them?

VALERIE
Most of them. Maybe not all the way through. You can
tell if I've read a book by whether or not I've
written in it.

MARINA
Even books that aren't for work?

VALERIE
Yes, even books I don't teach. I find it impossible to
separate reading and writing.

MARINA
You get less money if you sell them back with writing
in them.

VALERIE
Why in heaven's name would you ever sell a book?

MARINA
Books are expensive! Especially college textbooks.

VALERIE
Textbooks, like a math book, okay. They're mainly
useless. But literature, even anthologies, never get
rid of those books. Part of your task as a young
scholar is to start building your library.

MARINA
I don't know if I'll ever be a scholar.
 17.

VALERIE
You asked a fairly argumentative question in the
hallway. "Is God sort of an asshole?" That's scholarly
material.

MARINA
I'm sorry if that offended you. I didn't think you
were a religious person.

VALERIE
I'm not. The Theology professor I was talking to on
the other hand? I think his position requires less
skepticism.

MARINA
Oh no!

VALERIE
Don't worry -- casting stones is not Paul's style from
what I've seen. At any rate, I wasn't offended. I
thought "Is God's an asshole" was an excellent
question for an undergraduate. You had to have read
the poem--and understood it--to have asked.

MARINA
Having your Shakespeare class last semester definitely
prepped me for Milton. (Beat) There was something else
I wanted to ask--rereading the Adam and Eve story made
me think about other stories in the Bible, so I reread
more of Genesis. I feel like, a lot of times, God is
just messing with people. (In character as an "asshole
God") "Here's this amazing tree, but don't eat from
it!"..."Oh, Abraham, if you're really loyal to me,
you'll cut off your foreskin." ... "Nah, not good
enough. Now you have to kill your son!"... "Just
kidding!"

VALERIE
You're making a compelling argument for "God's an
asshole."

MARINA
Theoretically speaking, of course.

VALERIE
Are you a believer?
 18.

MARINA
We went to church when I was a kid, up until the first
couple of years of high school. I don't know--we
slowly stopped going. I feel like I should probably go
back, but it's hard to find time with school and work.

VALERIE
Oh, speaking of work--do you have those copies for me?

MARINA
Yes! Here you go. I also have some library books you
asked me to pick up. (Hands over materials)

VALERIE
Oh great. I've been waiting for this one!

MARINA
I flipped through--it looks pretty interesting.

VALERIE
It's funny--us talking about God. My new book is going
to be about Shakespeare's subversion of the Bible.

MARINA
(Genuinely interested) I would love to read that.

VALERIE
You and two other people in the world.

MARINA
No, seriously. That would be so fascinating.

VALERIE
Tell you what. So far this semester, you've only been
running errands for me. What if I showed you the
process of putting together a book proposal?

MARINA
Really?

VALERIE
If you want, you could read it over. I'd explain all
the sections and what I have to do. Could be
interesting to learn--at least give you some insight
to what professors do when they aren't teaching.
 19.

VALERIE (Continued)
Usually, I'd reserve that sort of thing for my
graduate students, but you've shown more enthusiasm
this semester than any of them have. What do you
think?

MARINA
I would love that. Thank you, Dr. Hardy.

VALERIE
Honestly, I feel bad about making students do menial
tasks. I know everyone starts somewhere, but I'd
rather you learn something.

MARINA
Oh, I don't mind the errands, though. I love being in
the library. It's so peaceful in there, being
surrounded by the smell of books.

VALERIE
There was a college I taught at part-time back in my
earlier years. Their library just so happened to have
a First Folio of Shakespeare.

MARINA
No!

VALERIE
Yes. When I found out, I went to see it, and the
special collections librarian asked if I wanted to
hold it.

MARINA
Did you?

VALERIE
She placed the book in my arms, and the first thing I
did was put it to my nose to smell it.

MARINA
I think I would have cried.

VALERIE
I did! I literally burst into tears. I was standing
there, thinking about how this 400-year-old book
changed the world. Just this one book.
 20.

VALERIE (Continued)
I was so overcome; I sat down at the nearest table
with tears pouring down my face while flipping through
the pages.

MARINA
That is amazing.

VALERIE
Well, you know. Some people have God. I have
Shakespeare.

MARINA
Shakespeare wasn't an asshole, right?

VALERIE
We don't know enough about him, personally, to say for
sure, but God's behavior is fully on display.

MARINA
So when are you going to start on your book proposal?

VALERIE
I have some grading I need to catch up on, but I'll
have time during spring break. Are you going to be
around?

MARINA
Yeah, I'm working every day, but only from nine to
three.

VALERIE
That's pretty much all day.

MARINA
No, nine at night to three in the morning.

VALERIE
What horrific hours.

MARINA
Yeah. Right now, I only work weekends, but I thought
I'd catch up with hours on break.

VALERIE
Do you sort mail or something? Work for the packaging
plant?
 21.

MARINA
Uh, no. I, uh, I'm a dancer.

VALERIE
A dancer?

MARINA
At the Cat Nip.

VALERIE
Oh. I see.

MARINA
When you go to a school this expensive, you have to
find a way to pay the bills.

VALERIE
I'm sure it pays more than work-study.

MARINA
This is more fun, though.

VALERIE
Undoubtably.

MARINA
I hope you don't think. . . A lot of people here knew
about it--a lot of them come to watch me. I thought
you'd heard.

VALERIE
No, I didn't know.

MARINA
It's really okay. It's great money for the amount of
hours I work. I'm not the only student working there,
either.

VALERIE
(Beat) Well. (Beat) I'm sure its an education all its
own.

MARINA
It really is.
 22.

VALERIE
(Beat) Okay. Well, if you'd like to meet a few times
during break, we can talk about the book proposal.

MARINA
Are you sure?

VALERIE
Marina, you're one of my most promising students.
Nothing you do outside our campus changes that in the
slightest.

MARINA
Thanks, Dr. Hardy.

VALERIE
Of course.

MARINA
Well, I'd better go. I still have the last four books
of Paradise Lost to read.

VALERIE
That's the best part.

MARINA
Great! I'll love it then.

VALERIE
You will.

MARINA
Should I email you some potential times to meet during
break?

VALERIE
Yes, and I'll start grading right away, so I can
concentrate on the book come Monday. Sound good?

MARINA
That's perfect. Should I close the door or...

VALERIE
You can leave it cracked.

MARINA
Okay, thanks! See you later.
 23.

VALERIE
Take care!
(Exit Marina. Valerie looks at her
papers until Marina is gone, then puts
her hand on her chin and stares at the
door.)
 24.

ACT 1

SCENE 5

(Interior: Dirty office at the Cat

Nip. FLINT sits at the desk,
looking at a paper schedule.)

MARINA
Hey, Flint. You wanted to see me?

FLINT
Hey, kid, yeah. Have a seat.

MARINA
Everything okay?

FLINT
Yeah. It's just--I've been talking to the girls about
the schedule for the next week. It's a mess.

MARINA
Why? Did something happen?

FLINT
Everybody wants to work every day. I can't have it.

MARINA
Well, it's spring break, so I know some of us who are
students have more time.

FLINT
That's the problem. This town empties out during
spring break. There's no money in it.

MARINA
(Beat) Oh.

FLINT
You ain't been here long enough to know how it goes--
the colleges empty out, and there goes half the money.
Guys are all going to titty bars in Florida or some
other tourist trap. Nobody's going to be here next
week.

MARINA
There's always the regulars.
 25.

FLINT
They have their favorites. There ain't enough regulars
to spread around to all you girls.

MARINA
Look, Flint, I was really hoping to make some money
next week. I have my last tuition bill for the year
coming up, and I'm short about two thousand dollars.

FLINT
(Laughs) You thought you were going to make two grand
during the driest week of the year? You'd have to do a
lot more than shake your ass for that. (Beat) Of
course, there's always that possibility. (Beat) A girl
like you. . . a lot of guys would pay bank if
you . . . did more for them. If you know what I
mean . . .

MARINA
Not interested.

FLINT
You might be when that bill comes due.

MARINA
There are other ways to make money.

FLINT
Not that quickly. Think about it. You could earn in
fifteen minutes what it takes you a few hours to
collect from floor routines. It's efficient--give you
more time for your studies.

MARINA
It's . . . dangerous.

FLINT
Nah--a girl like you--I'm sure one of the bouncers
would stand guard for a percentage. Or maybe you give
him a freebie.

MARINA
(Stands) I don't think so.
 26.

FLINT
Don't be too cocky, Marina. You're not the only girl
who needs to pay bills around here. Some people have
much more pressing things to pay for than tuition.

MARINA
What? Drugs?

FLINT
(Beat) You don't want to lose this job, do you?

MARINA
There are other bars.

FLINT
But this is the only one in town where you don't have
to pay house fees. Those other places, you pay to
play, and if it's slow, you could actually lose money
that night. I let you keep all your money.

MARINA
Yeah, but Flint, you know I'm popular. I'm one of the
youngest girls in the house and a lot of the guys we
get are into that. They pay the cover to get in here
to see me. They buy booze while watching me. You need
me. I'm a big draw.

FLINT
Fortunately, there will always be a hundred desperate
girls just like you, banging down my door to dance
naked for money.

MARINA
None of them would work harder than me.

FLINT
Work hard? You won't even consider a blow job for
extra cash. Look, Marina. You do what you gotta do,
but I can only offer you hours on Monday and Thursday.

MARINA
Nothing on the weekend?

FLINT
Five minutes ago? Maybe. But now? I'm not convinced
you're willing to work for it.
 27.

MARINA
Flint, seriously. You can't do this. I need that
money.

FLINT
We all need it sweetheart. You're not special.

MARINA
Flint, really, I'll do anything.

FLINT
No, you won't. And that's the problem.

MARINA
(Pause) What about a dance? In the champagne room--
just you and me?

FLINT
(Beat) It would take. . . a lot more than that. (Looks
at his watch) And you don't have time. You're supposed
to be out there in fifteen minutes. Go get changed.

MARINA
But Flint--

FLINT
I said get changed. You don't want me to rewrite the
schedule again.
 28.

ACT 1

SCENE 6

(Interior - VALERIE's office;

VALERIE and JILL enter together.
MARK will appear in this scene, as
a flashback to the meeting Jill
discusses. His part should be read
like he's in a separate part of
the stage, signifying that he's
not in the room with JILL and
VALERIE right now. )

JILL
Thanks for meeting with me Valerie. I am so stressed
out.

VALERIE
This semester has been crazy. First, the buyout
offers...

JILL
And now the provost is showing up at the tenure
committee meetings to talk about enrollment.

VALERIE
I thought it was just supposed to be a preliminary
meeting for people going up for tenure next year.

JILL
It was. I'm getting ready to apply in the fall. That's
why I was there. Before the committee chair could even
start talking, the provost launched into this tirade
about programs that didn't have enough enrollment of
majors.

VALERIE
Did he mention English by name?

JILL
Yes. In fact, he harped on it.
 29.

MARK (separately)
(On a separate part of the stage) It's undeniable that
our liberal arts programs are in trouble. Take
English, for instance.

JILL
I thought, oh God, is he talking about MY tenure bid?

MARK (separately)
If we don't have sustainable enrollment, that could be
a factor in our tenure decisions.

VALERIE
Nobody would buy that. Our union would completely
revolt.

MARK (separately)
Even the union is worried.

JILL
I think the point was to scare people.

VALERIE
I'm sure it worked.

JILL
But why did he have to target English?

MARK (separately)
English is one of those majors where people ask
themselves, How the heck is this major relevant in
life?

VALERIE
English is always targeted because it's the most
important field of study.

MARK (separately)
After all, it's the least relevant field of study.

VALERIE
People understand the importance of writing, of
course, but people like Mark don't understand
literature. Doesn't he get that being able to tell a
good story is about the most important skill a
salesperson can have?
 30.

MARK (separately)
Does anyone actually read books these days?

VALERIE
But if you don't ever read books, you don't know how
to tell a good story.

JILL
He certainly doesn't have a high opinion of
literature.

VALERIE
Or critical thought, or culture, or history, or
anything other than butts in seats.

MARK (separately)
There aren't enough butts in the seats, frankly.

JILL
This is like deja vu.

VALERIE
Look, the problem that I've seen time and time again
is that administrators get some hair up their asses
about blips in the enrollment.

MARK (separately)
There have been some blips in enrollment.

VALERIE
But there has been a steady number of English majors,
nationwide, since the government started tracking it.
Yes, there have been different majors added over the
years, like Gender Studies, Political Science, and
whatnot. Those majors have diluted the field simply
because there are 150 options for majors now instead
of around 40, but the actual number of English majors
has stayed the same. It's the dilution of the field
that's the problem. The number has stayed the same,
but the percentage of English majors has gone down.

MARK (separately)
The percentage of English majors is down seven
percent.
 31.

VALERIE
A year or two of lower enrollment comes along and
suddenly everyone starts clutching their pearls.

MARK (separately)
I don't want to sound like I'm clutching my pearls,
but...

VALERIE
What really drives enrollment down is people talking
about how English is useless -- and that's not our
fault. That's Mark's.

MARK (separately)
I mean, what can you do with a B.A. in English?

JILL
There's even a song about it in Avenue Q.

VALERIE
See? People get down on English because they majored
in it, kinda only "half did" the reading--

MARINA (off-stage)
You didn't do the reading?

VALERIE
-- if that -- then these "intrepid" English majors
don't fulfill their ambition --

MARINA (off-stage)
I want to write the great American novel.

VALERIE
But that's not Shakespeare's fault -- it's theirs. You
know why Shakespeare was successful? He abandoned his
family and prioritized writing. He didn't piss and
moan about missing his mother or that it's expensive
to live in a big city --

JILL
That we know of.

VALERIE
(Beat) Granted. But students don't want to move out of
town -- or get any life experience that would make
their work worth reading.
 32.

VALERIE (Continued)
Hell, I didn't have anything interesting to say until
I was thirty.

MARK (separately)
I've heard them lecture. They don't say anything
interesting.

VALERIE
If students are unwilling to aim past their mark, as
Machiavelli says, they have no chance at reaching
their primary goal. But administrators just hear
English majors get upset that they don't make upper-
class salaries at a cushy job right after graduation.
Hell, it's not like I make that much money.

JILL
I'm not sure anyone in education makes much money.

VALERIE
You'd be surprised. Look up administrators' salaries
in public records and prepare to weep.

MARK
You know how many English majors donate to the
colleges they graduated from? (Beat) I don't have that
number right in front of me, but believe me, it's not
many.

VALERIE
Nobody should study English to become rich -- they
should do it because it's a subject that contains the
entire world -- history, theatre, religion, culture,
stories, hell, even a little science. The well-rounded
people of the world are readers, and if you want to be
a scientist or a tech geek or an engineer, you'd
better goddamn be able to read a book.

MARK (separately)
I haven't read a book in years.

JILL
You're preaching to the choir, Val.

VALERIE
This crisis in English is a figment of Mark's
imagination.
 33.

VALERIE (Continued)
What these disaffected kids really need to do is dig
into their inner strength, pull out some English-major
creativity, and take over the goddamned world.

MARK (separately)
I mean, Math is taking over the world.

JILL
Do you think I should just carry on like I normally
would with my application? Should I just ignore him?

VALERIE
I would if I were you. You really don't have much
choice. Unless you want to leave. I certainly wouldn't
blame you if you did.

JILL
It's just so hard to find a full-time position these
days.

VALERIE
I know. Life is terribly unfair in that regard.
Fairness, equity, justice -- those are values that
aren't found in the world very often. But they are
found in literature.

MARK (separately)
What can I say? Life is hard.

VALERIE
If nothing else, literature refuses to accept that
injustice is the rule rather than the exception.

MARK (separately)
Life isn't fair.

VALERIE
And that's why we need literature.

JILL
I know. Intellectually, I know all these things. It's
just so hard to keep my spirits up when I feel so
beaten down all the time.
 34.

MARK (separately) AND VALERIE

(together)
These are hard times.

(Blackout)
 35.

ACT 1

SCENE 7

(Backstage room at the Cat Nip.

LUCY sits at a mirror, applying
makeup. Enter Marina)

LUCY
Girl, ain't you supposed to be onstage soon?

MARINA
Hey, Lucy. I got held up talking to Flint.

LUCY
Schedule?

MARINA
Yeah. I don't know what I'm going to do. He's only
giving me two days next week -- no time on the
weekend.

LUCY
Spring break. The worst week of the year.

MARINA
I thought it would be just the opposite!

LUCY
Girl, I've been doing this for fifteen years. This
motherfucker is a ghost town on spring break.

MARINA
Fifteen years?

LUCY
Mm hm.

MARINA
I don't know that my knees would last that long. All
the squats and crawling around. . .

LUCY
That's why they play the music loud, honey. So the
clients don't hear our creaky knees.

MARINA
Lucy?
 36.

LUCY
Yeah, baby?

MARINA
What do you do when it's slow?

LUCY
Mmm, you had the talk, hunh?

MARINA
The talk?

LUCY
Always happens eventually. Only so many hours in the
day, only so many girls on the schedule. How's a girl
gonna live when she got this or that coming up? Bills
to pay, kids to feed, drugs to buy.

MARINA
So what do you do?

LUCY
Prioritize, girl. That's what we all do.

MARINA
So then, you've done it?

LUCY
When I need to, yeah. I don't make it a habit 'cause
it can get dicey, but when I need to, yeah. I do
anything I have to. It hasn't killed me. It wouldn't
kill you.

MARINA
Does it make you feel -- I don't know -- gross?

LUCY
Look, what we do is already something a lot of girls
can't see themselves doing. Nobody fantasizes about
getting naked and shaking it in a bunch of men's
faces. But hell, everybody has sex. It's way easier
fucking somebody than dancing in front of them.

MARINA
I guess everybody does have sex eventually.
 37.

LUCY
Put it this way -- it's like a one-night-stand that
you get paid for.

MARINA
But prostitution is technically illegal.

LUCY
Who's gonna call the cops? No john's gonna turn you in
for fucking him. Ain't none of us girls would. We've
all ate the forbidden fruit, honey. Ain't no lightning
rained down yet.

MARINA
It's just -- dancing is something that's fun for me. I
like being a tease. I like fucking with their minds.

LUCY
Fucking other stuff is where the real money's at,
especially for a nice girl like you.

MARINA
If I do this, I don't know if I'll still be a nice
girl. I think it'll do something to me.

LUCY
Shit, girl. We all need something to overcome.

FLINT (Off stage)

Marina! Where are you?

LUCY
Better run.

MARINA
Shit. How do I look?

LUCY
I'd fuck you.

MARINA
Thanks, Lucy.

LUCY
All right, baby.

(Exit Marina. LUCY smiles at herself in

the mirror.)
 38.

LUCY (Continued)
 39.

ACT 1

SCENE 8

(Interior: VALERIE'S office.

VALERIE sits at her desk, typing
on a laptop. Enter Paul)

PAUL
Hey, Valerie. How's break going?

VALERIE
Good enough. I'm caught up on grading. Just working on
a first draft of a new book proposal.

PAUL
You still have to write proposals? Don't publishers
come around begging you to write books?

VALERIE
I use proposals as a way to teach my students how to
begin professional scholarship.

PAUL
They're lucky to have you.

VALERIE
Thanks.

PAUL
Hey, I got some news the other day that I wanted to
share.

VALERIE
Let's hear it.

PAUL
I've been offered a visiting professorship at Ohio
State.

VALERIE
From full professor to visiting professor -- a heavy
descension.

PAUL
It's being offered as a trial. If they like me,
they'll keep me on and allow me to go up for tenure at
full professor rank the following year.
 40.

VALERIE
And if they don't like you?

PAUL
Then, I guess I'll find something else.

VALERIE
Don't become like one of those Catholic priests that
hopscotch from parish to parish, Paul. People will
start to talk.

PAUL
There are two good reasons to leave: One, it won't be
a financial burden to try something new since I have
three years' salary coming from the buyout. And two,
I've done all the good I can do here. St. Sebastian
isn't investing in the Humanities, and for a Catholic
school to not care about its Theology department
strikes me as blasphemous.

VALERIE
I know. (Beat) What does your wife say? And the kids?

PAUL
They. . . well, they aren't coming.

VALERIE
Oh, Paul!

PAUL
Yeah. (Beat) Maybe a break will do us some good.

(Marina knocks on the door)

MARINA
Dr. Hardy?

VALERIE
(About his family) I'm so sorry, Paul. (Beat) Yes,
Marina, come on in.

MARINA
Am I interrupting?

PAUL
(Beat. Recognizes Marina) Oh. Hello.
 41.

MARINA
(Affected) Hi! How's it going?

PAUL
Great! (Beat) Well, I'll leave you to your work.

VALERIE
Let me know if you need anything, Paul.

PAUL
Will do. (Exits)

MARINA
(Clears throat) So how is your break going?

VALERIE
Good. I've got this proposal started and thought I'd
show it to you.

MARINA
Yeah, I'd love to see it!

VALERIE
So usually when you're starting out, you want to look
for a press that publishes books in your area of
study. In my case, I use books mostly from Oxford,
Cambridge, Bloomsbury, and Routledge. (Gets on the
laptop and starts pulling up documents, not looking at
Marina.) My most recent books were published by
Routledge, and my editor there is already interested,
but I thought I'd go through the motions here, so I
can show you how it works. (Marina is distracted,
looks at the door, while VALERIE continues to pay
attention to the computer.) So you start out with the
statement of aims, which essentially is where you
share your goals and clearly outline your argument.
That's typically a few paragraphs. (Notices that
Marina is not really listening.) Marina?

MARINA
Yeah, uh, sorry. I'm listening.

VALERIE
You look like you're not yourself.

MARINA
No, it's nothing.
 42.

VALERIE
(Joking) Paul hasn't been going to the Cat Nip has he?

MARINA
(Lying) Noooo.

VALERIE
Jesus. Really?

MARINA
Uhm.

VALERIE
Christ, this buyout really has people acting --

MARINA
Buyout?

VALERIE
(Sighs) It's ... well...

MARINA
What's going on?

VALERIE
St. Sebastian has offered buyouts to its full
professors -- the people who have been promoted to
their highest level. The school is essentially trying
to save money, but if they want to offer early
retirement, they have to buy professors out.

MARINA
What are they offering?

VALERIE
Three years' salary seems to be the general offer.

MARINA
Oh my God. What I wouldn't do for that amount of
money!

VALERIE
Yes, well... (beat) Milton shows us what happens when
we give in to temptation. (Looks back at her
computer.)
 43.

MARINA
(Pulls out Paradise Lost from her book bag and opens
to a page marked with a post-it note):

O goodness infinite, goodness immense!

That all this good of evil shall produce
And evil turn to good more wonderful
Than that which by Creation first brought forth
Light out of darkness! Full of doubt I stand,
Whether I should repent me now of sin
By me done and occasioned or rejoice
Much more that much more good thereof shall spring,
To God more glory, more good will to men
From God, and over wrath grace shall abound!

VALERIE
You finished Paradise Lost.

MARINA
It's beautiful. The way Milton shows how Adam and
Eve's fall was a good thing -- a fortunate fall --
that without that terrible mistake, there would have
been no salvation. Even if you don't believe in God,
it's got to give you chills.

VALERIE
You're not wrong.

MARINA
(Beat) Is Milton wrong?

VALERIE
You notice that Milton puts those words in Adam's
mouth. Eve isn't the one spouting off about being so
happy that her big mistake will lead to salvation.
Milton wasn't a big fan of women.

MARINA
But that passage -- it still gives me hope.

VALERIE
Marina, (beat) I don't want to say that having hope is
wrong. But that's mainly because I want to believe in
it. The world gives plenty of evidence that hope is an
absurd condition in which to find oneself.
 44.

MARINA
How can I do what I do without hope that it will pay
off?

VALERIE
(Beat) I don't know.

MARINA
The problem is that you're looking at Paradise Lost as
a metaphor. I'm living it. I crawl on my hands and
knees and get naked in front of people. I swing around
on a pole or straddle men and put my chest in their
faces. All the money goes to school. College is
supposed to give me hope -- it's supposed to pave my
path to a stable career.

VALERIE
No, it's not. College isn't supposed to be job
training. It's about becoming a better person,
obtaining cultural literacy, and understanding not
just where you come from culturally, but who you are.

MARINA
But statistics say that college graduates make more
money and are more successful than people who don't go
to college. So isn't college a good strategy for my
eventual career?

VALERIE
Strategy is not the same as education. More and more,
the students I see at St. Sebastian are only
interested in strategizing their way to credentials
than they are in philosophical arguments about whether
you're better off being a sinner or a saint.

MARINA
I'm interested in that question.

VALERIE
You're using it as an excuse.

MARINA
(Beat. Moved.) Maybe I should go.

VALERIE
Marina...
 45.

MARINA
No, it's okay.

VALERIE
No, it's not okay. I'm... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have
said that.

MARINA
I know it's hard to understand my situation.

VALERIE
You don't have to explain yourself to me.

MARINA
Clearly, I do. I didn't grow up in paradise, okay?

VALERIE
Marina, you're smart. You speak Milton's verse like
you were making it up as you went along. Your
interpretations of Shakespeare are incredible. I've
never had a student run into my office yelling, "Lady
Macbeth is a witch -- I know it!"

MARINA
Is Shakespeare going to get me a job? Is Milton?

VALERIE
That's not the point of studying them.

MARINA
Don't you see? I need hope. I need to believe that I
won't have to strip for the rest of my life. Or do
more than that.

VALERIE
Like what? Prostitution?

MARINA
Everybody has sex, right? It would be easier than
dancing, in a way.

VALERIE
Marina...

MARINA
I need to believe that this degree is worth something
-- I need to be able to justify in my mind what I'm
doing.
 46.

VALERIE
Marina, don't let Milton justify prostitution.

MARINA
(Beat) I gotta go.

VALERIE
Marina....

MARINA
Sorry to waste your time.

VALERIE
No, Marina...

(Marina exits.)
 47.

ACT 1

SCENE 9

(Scene continues in Valeries

office)

CHARLIE
Hey, Miss Val. I'm surprised to see you here during
break.

VALERIE
Hi, Charlie.

CHARLIE
Got any trash for me?

VALERIE
Just some recycling.

CHARLIE
Thank you, ma'am.

VALERIE
Charlie, what do you think about young people these
days?

CHARLIE
Don't know a lot of young people round here. They
never look up from their phones.

VALERIE
I swear, even the best of them is obsessed with money.
I can't believe the lengths to which some of them
would go for it.

CHARLIE
Well, I used to get in trouble myself over money.

VALERIE
How did you get in trouble?

CHARLIE
I used to run with a gang back in the day.

VALERIE
Really?
 48.

CHARLIE
Yes, ma'am. Guns, drugs, lots of money, cars -- the
whole deal.

VALERIE
That's hard to believe.

CHARLIE
It's the truth.

VALERIE
What made you get out?

CHARLIE
My best friend, he got shot. Rival gang -- you know.

VALERIE
That's terrible.

CHARLIE
Some of the guys went out to get revenge, and a
couple of them got shot. One died.

VALERIE
Were you with them?

CHARLIE
No, ma'am. At the time, I thought I should've been.

VALERIE
Why did you stay behind?

CHARLIE
My wife, back then she was just my girl, but my wife,
she saw all this going down. She told me if I wanted
to be with her, I had to choose: her or the gang.

VALERIE
How long have you been together?

CHARLIE
Well, about thirty-five years, more or less.

VALERIE
Do you have kids?
 49.

CHARLIE
Three natural and three foster. We're adopting the
three fosters. Their mama was into drugs. She's
passed.

VALERIE
Oh my God. I had no idea.

CHARLIE
(Takes out wallet and shows pictures) They're all
there.

VALERIE
They're adorable.

CHARLIE
We love 'em. That's all.

VALERIE
Gosh, Charlie. You've all been through so much, but
you seem happy. What's your secret?

CHARLIE
Well, you gotta humble yourself.

VALERIE
Humble yourself?

CHARLIE
That's the truth. I wasn't happy when I had all that
stuff. I thought I knew everything and nothing could
touch me. But I got humbled all right.

VALERIE
Maybe that's the problem with my profession. We all
think we know everything.

CHARLIE
Yes, ma'am. We all do. Until the day comes when you
don't.
(Blackout)
 50.

ACT 1

SCENE 10

(Interior: The Cat Nip. Paul sits

at a booth, and Marina comes to
speak to him.)

MARINA
Hey, Dr. Stockton.

PAUL
You can call me Paul when we're off campus.

MARINA
All right, Paul. So how's your spring break going?

PAUL
It's getting better all the time.

MARINA
That's sweet of you.

PAUL
So do you think Dr. Hardy noticed there was a little
moment between us in her office earlier?

MARINA
(Lying, but convincingly) No, she'd never think
anything bad about you.

PAUL
You know, I've decided to leave St. Sebastian.

MARINA
Aw. But you just started to come see me dance.

PAUL
I have to be careful. If I come here at all, it's only
on breaks when the town empties out. College towns are
full of gossip.

MARINA
You'd think that, but to me, if feels like there's
some kind of "Bro-code" going on here.

PAUL
What do you mean?
 51.

MARINA
I mean, I see guys from school here all the time.

PAUL
Professors?

MARINA
Sometimes. A lot of students.

PAUL
That's easy to believe.

MARINA
The guy from financial aid comes in just about every
week. Then, there's that one guy -- I can't remember
what he's called. He's the boss of the professors.

PAUL
The provost?

MARINA
Yeah, that's it. I've seen him in here at least twice
in the couple of months I've worked here.

PAUL
Wow. I can't believe it. That guy is such a dick.

MARINA
See? None of the men who come here talk about coming
here. They aren't going to rat you out.

PAUL
Well . . . what about you?

MARINA
If I ratted you out, you wouldn't come to see me. That
would break my little heart.

PAUL
There are clearly other guys . . .

MARINA
None like you.

PAUL
You're just saying that for the money.
 52.

MARINA
Aw come on, Paul. You're so powerful when you're up
there in front of the class. It makes me hot just
thinking about it.

PAUL
Really?

MARINA
Why do you think I've taken two classes with you? I
have to take a cold shower afterward.

PAUL
If only my wife felt that way.

MARINA
Aw. Poor Paul. You deserve to be treated nice.

PAUL
I do, don't I? Listen, sweetheart, if you ever get
married, don't ever stop getting hot with your
husband.

MARINA
Is that in the Bible?

PAUL
Something like that.

MARINA
Wanna get a dance?

PAUL
How much?

MARINA
(Whispers in his ear)

PAUL
That's a lot for just a dance.

MARINA
Maybe I could give you the friends and professors
discount if you buy two.

PAUL
If I'm gonna buy two, I might as well ask for your
other rates.
 53.

MARINA
Other rates?

PAUL
A lot of these girls have rates for other services.

MARINA
Sounds like you've been around here longer than I
have.

PAUL
Like I said, I've really only come here on breaks. But
I've seen my fair share of action. I've had to
supplement since I'm so neglected at home.

MARINA
What did you have in mind?

PAUL
Ever since I saw you the first time, I've been
thinking... (whispers in her ear).

MARINA
Mmmm. I'm so flattered.

PAUL
What do you say? I have money. I can get more if I
need to.

MARINA
(Aside) At least I know him. It's not like he's some
trucker off the street. (Pause. Then, to Paul:)
I get off in about an hour.

PAUL
Perfect. I'll stay and watch.

MARINA
Where should we go?

PAUL
I know a place.

MARINA
All right. Can't wait.

PAUL
Me either.
 54.

ACT 1

SCENE 11

(Interior: Valerie's office.

Valerie sits at her desk writing
on her computer.)

MARK
(Knocks) Dr. Hardy?

VALERIE
Mark.

MARK
Are we back to first names, then?

VALERIE
No.

MARK
All right. (Beat) So have you had a chance to consider
the buyout offer?

VALERIE
I haven't given it a single thought.

MARK
Well, the deadline for accepting is Friday, so I hope
you'll get back to me about it.

VALERIE
Will do.

MARK
I wanted to mention, too, that I've spoken to the Dean
about other changes.

VALERIE
And?

MARK
We're going to have to increase teaching loads in the
fall.

VALERIE
Are you going to give everyone a proportional raise?
 55.

MARK
That's not part of the plan.

VALERIE
How can you expect professors to work more hours, take
on more material, and have more students for the same
pay?

MARK
A lot of professors at other colleges have worse
conditions and lower pay than we do here.

VALERIE
That doesn't make it right.

MARK
We have to be practical.

VALERIE
Being "practical" and "doing the right thing" are
always at odds these days.

MARK
(Beat) As much as you seem to hate it here, why on
earth do you want to stay?

VALERIE
I don't hate it here. When I feel like I'm making a
difference -- when I feel like my work is respected --
I love it here.

MARK
You could've fooled me.

VALERIE
Mark, let me be frank.

MARK
You weren't before?

VALERIE
You have no idea what it's like to be a woman in this
profession --

MARK
Here comes the gender card.
 56.

VALERIE
What have you given up to be a provost? To be an
academic? Nothing.

MARK
With all due respect, you know nothing about me.

VALERIE
I know plenty about patriarchy.

MARK
Patriarchy. Please. Women hold other women back all
the time. I went to a Gender Studies talk that Dr.
Carter did last year about Sylvia Plath. What I
learned is that Plath, one of the world's great
feminist icons, thought that being born a woman was a
tragedy.

VALERIE
She wrote that because she had to repress her true
self in order to fit into the world of men -- that
hasn't changed much in sixty years.

MARK
So "feminism" equals "women hating themselves just as
much as they hate men."

VALERIE
No, feminism is calling out bullshit when you see it.

MARK
You don't think that people should take responsibility
for the way they respond to circumstances?

VALERIE
I do, but a lot of times, you aren't given much of a
choice. For instance, I had this brilliant professor
in graduate school. She was young. She got married.
She had two kids. Her research slowed down a bit
because she got no help from her husband. And then,
she didn't get tenure. Men don't get fired when they
have children, do they? (Beat) When she was fired, I
realized if I wanted to be an academic woman, I
couldn't prioritize anything else. So I didn't. I
didn't get married. I didn't have children.
 57.

MARK
Those are choices you made.

VALERIE
(As if this is a tragedy) And I've been incredibly
successful.

MARK
You act like that's a bad thing.

VALERIE
Flying high makes you a target, doesn't it?

MARK
(Beat, changing direction) There's nothing I can do
about these numbers, Val.

VALERIE
Do you know why we're getting fewer English majors?

MARK
I imagine you have an opinion about it.

VALERIE
Of course. The primary job trajectory for an English
major is to become a teacher.

MARK
And?

VALERIE
Who would want to be a teacher these days? Fools.
Masochists. Not our best and brightest. Why spend so
much time in school to teach nothing more than test
questions? To be told there is only one interpretation
of a text. To have every ounce of your creativity
ground out of you. To be paid such a pittance. To be
treated with such little respect. To be told that the
most famous playwright of all time is a novelist.

MARK
If you have so little respect for the profession, make
a clean break.

VALERIE
Tempting. But you can't put a dollar amount on my
career when I've given up everything else.
 58.

MARK
(Beat) Things are changing around here, more than they
already have. You can take the escape hatch, or you
can accept what's coming. It isn't going to be pretty.
Doubled teaching loads. No significant raises. We
might have to cut contributions to retirement plans.
(Beat) You can cut your losses, hold your head high,
like Paul Stockton, and leave with dignity.

VALERIE
I thought you didn't discuss personnel decisions.

MARK
Paul's made it public that he's leaving. He's taking
the buyout.

VALERIE
What you're doing is making it impossible for me to
make decisions on my own terms. I can't keep up my
research with a doubled teaching load. I won't even be
a decent teacher if I'm teaching twice as many
classes. This isn't a community college, Mark. It's a
research university. I'm supposed to write books.

MARK
You've written enough for two careers. If you want to
keep writing, I suggest you leave.

VALERIE
This is completely and totally unjust.

MARK
(Beat) All right, Valerie. Your letter offered you
three years' salary. Since you've been here a long
time, I'm going to give you until graduation to get
back to me about the buyout. Until then, I'm going to
assume the you'll be here in the fall and that you'll
be teaching double the course load, including Gen Ed
writing classes. Sound good?

VALERIE
Good? It sounds like a punishment.

MARK
Those are your words, not mine.
 59.

VALERIE
Mark, this is so completely unfair. I have given my
soul to this school and my students.

MARK
Life is hard. That's what I always tell my kids. Life
is hard, and it doesn't get any easier. (Beat) You
have until May 15th.

(Exit MARK)

VALERIE
(Looks at her desk, where an enormous "Complete Works
of Shakespeare" sits. She opens the book to a random
page and reads) "There's small choice in rotten
apples." (Sad smile) Truth from a rotten play. (Turns
pages of the book.) Sorry, Shakespeare, but Taming of
the Shrew is one play I could have done without. There
are a few good lines, but mostly, it's torture porn.
(Reading through, then Beat.) Christ. I'm stuck in an
academic version of Taming of the Shrew. (Reads aloud)
"My mind hath been as big as one of yours,
My heart as great, my reason haply more,
But now I see our lances are but straws,
Our strength as weak, our weakness past compare,
That seeming to be most which we indeed least are."

God, Shakespeare. You must have been a professor

during those lost years.

CHARLIE
(Knocks on the door) Afternoon, Miss Val.

VALERIE
Hi, Charlie.

CHARLIE
Starting over again on Monday, right?

VALERIE
Yes, sir. And then it's a race to the finish.

CHARLIE
Graduation's in about, what? Six weeks?

VALERIE
Something like that.
 60.

CHARLIE
I'll be taking my vacation in two weeks and get back
just in time to beautify the campus before the big
day.

VALERIE
Right, planting flowers and repainting curbs.

CHARLIE
That's when I know it's spring time.

VALERIE
(Pause as Charlie gathers waste basket and recycling)
Charlie, if someone offered you a lot of money to
completely change your life, would you take it?

CHARLIE
How would I have to change?

VALERIE
You'd have to give up the thing that's most important
to you.

CHARLIE
I don't think such a thing can be for sale.

(Blackout)
 61.

ACT 2

SCENE 1

(Exterior campus: sounds of a

crowd staging a protest. 3000 pink
utility flags are planted on a
hillside. )

PAUL
(To unseen passersby) Would you like a flier? (Beat)
How about you? (Beat) No, it's not breast cancer
awareness month. (Beat) This is a campus ministry
abortion protest. (Beat) Each of these flags here
represents one abortion performed every day in
America. (Beat) 3,000. (Beat) Yes. That's how many
flags we have. (Beat) One for every abortion performed
in America today. We're doing a prayer circle at 3:00.
(Beat) Sure. Come back after class. (Beat) If you
can't come today, come another day -- we'll be here
all week. (Beat) Yeah. Maybe next week, too. (Beat)
Here's the data. (Beat) I do believe in choice -- the
real choice comes at the moment of action. (Beat)
Women don't have to get pregnant -- they choose to put
themselves in that situation. (Beat) Look at all those
flags. Those are just the babies being murdered today.

(VALERIE enters, walking across

campus to class.)

VALERIE
Hi Paul.

PAUL
Flier?

VALERIE
(Takes flier) Is it breast cancer awareness month or
something?

PAUL
Why does everyone keep saying that?

VALERIE
The pink. (Reads over flier) Ah. (Stuffs it in her
bag, clearly intending to throw it away) Well, I'm
just off to class.
 62.

PAUL
Enjoy!

VALERIE
Will do.

(Exit VALERIE)
 63.

ACT 2

SCENE 2

(Interior: The Cat Nip - dressing

room. Marina is at the mirror
putting on makeup. Enter Lucy)

LUCY
Hey, baby. Looking good.

MARINA
Paul's coming in tonight.

LUCY
He's your new regular.

MARINA
Yeah. He's my professor.

LUCY
Ooo, girl. Scandal.

MARINA
You have no idea.

LUCY
Mh hm. I bet I do.

MARINA
Let's just say he paid my tuition bill.

LUCY
See? I told you. It's fast money.

MARINA
He hardly got any sex at home, so the first few times
it was over in, like, five seconds.

LUCY
He's getting used to it now?

MARINA
It's taking longer anyway.

LUCY
You need to charge more.
 64.

MARINA
I don't want to piss him off.

LUCY
The more you tease him, the more he'll want it. Then,
the more he'll pay.

MARINA
I think he wants me to be his girlfriend.

LUCY
They all do.

MARINA
At least he doesn't mind my dancing. He says he likes
watching me do lap dances for other guys.

LUCY
As long as you're leaving with him, right?

MARINA
Pretty much.

LUCY
Mmm, baby. You've got a sugar daddy.

MARINA
He doesn't have that much money. He's more like a
"Splenda Daddy."

LUCY
Milk it for all it's worth, girl.

MARINA
He's leaving in July. He got a new job out of state,
so it's not a permanent thing.

LUCY
And just think - a few weeks ago, you thought I was
crazy.

MARINA
As it turns out, it's pretty easy to have sex for
money.

LUCY
Have you done it with anyone else?
 65.

MARINA
No, just him.

LUCY
That's why it's easy. I've seen him. He looks
respectable, kinda cute. And to you, he's not a
stranger. That's easy money. When you do it with
somebody who just walked in off the street, who wants
to call you his mother's name or wants you to do
something really nasty to him -- that's when you feel
like you leave your body. You look down, thinking,
"Who in the world would do that?" But there you are.

MARINA
I don't know. Maybe I wouldn't do it with someone I
didn't know and respect.

LUCY
Shit. You're not doing the hardcore selling. You ain't
seen that corner of hell -- yet.

MARINA
Is it really that bad?

LUCY
You might do six, seven men in a row. Gotta make sure
you stay lubed up, but you'll get sore anyway. There's
no possible way to enjoy a man after that. You start
going to bed with the other girls who are selling
their goods because at least they know what you're
going through. They know that you can't enjoy it with
a man anymore. Men don't feel safe.

MARINA
(Pause) I think I'll have to stop after Paul.

LUCY
We'll see. (Beat) But when you get to the point where
men don't feel safe anymore, come see me, baby, all
right?

MARINA
Lucy, why did you start working as a dancer?

LUCY
Why does anybody start? Money.
 66.

MARINA
Yeah, I guess. I mean, I'm trying to pay for college.

LUCY
I had my son early on. Had to find some way to pay the
rent and take care of him. Ain't like his daddy stuck
around to help.

MARINA
I wish my dad hadn't stuck around.

LUCY
Bunch of us got daddy issues, girl. What that
motherfucker do to you?

MARINA
Comparatively speaking, I guess he wasn't that bad.

LUCY
Compared to what?

MARINA
Compared to some of the horror stories I hear about
people's dads.

LUCY
You're allowed to have feelings about whatever
happened to you.

MARINA
It's . . . well. I don't know. I feel embarrassed even
talking about this. He was just mean. Worse when he
was drinking. He always told me and my sister, Helen,
what terrible shits we were and how we'd never be
anything but whores. Guess he was right about me.

LUCY
Girl, fuck him. You're going to college.

MARINA
You know something he made us do -- we got a weekly
amount of cash to buy lunches at school. He used to
make us get on our knees and beg him for money. Like,
one at a time, each of us would have to kneel between
his knees and beg him. He wanted us to say, "Please,
Daddy, give me what I need."
 67.

LUCY
That is fucked up.

MARINA
He didn't, like, touch us, but he really wanted that
power trip. It turned him on. He . . . he would
get. . . hard, you know. He didn't touch himself, and
he didn't touch me. But it was clear -- I could see
it. I don't know about my sister, Helen -- if he
ever . . . (Beat) She was the pretty one; I was the
smart one. Maybe he did do something to her. I don't
know. We never talked about it.

LUCY
What's she doing? Your sister?

MARINA
She moved away during my sophomore year in high
school. My mom worked two jobs, and when she wasn't
working, she was drinking. I was mainly alone with
Dad.

LUCY
Your mom still doing all that?

MARINA
Nah, she just has one job now, but she still drinks a
lot.

LUCY
That shit's hard to break, girl. I was doing smack
just about every day for a long time.

MARINA
You quit?

LUCY
For now. (Laughs) I had the itch the other day. I
thought, "Just this once. You know you can quit --
you've done it before -- so what's one weekend
bender?"

MARINA
I don't know . . . I'm scared of that stuff. Scared
I'd like it.
 68.

LUCY
Oh, you would.

MARINA
I'll take your word for it. (Beat, notices the time)
Oh shit. We gotta get out there in, like, one minute.

LUCY
It's all good. We're ready.

MARINA
Hey, thanks for asking about me. Sometimes I think the
other girls are a little unsure about me.

LUCY
It's just that you're relatively new. They haven't
figured you out yet.

MARINA
Hell, I haven't figured me out yet.

LUCY
(Getting ready to walk out to the stage) Hey. You
know, you should ask your sister what happened.

MARINA
I'm not sure I want to know.

LUCY
Maybe you already know, "smart one." Being the "pretty
one" ain't all it's cracked up to be.

(Blackout)
 69.

ACT 2

SCENE 3

(VALERIE is packing up her bag,

finds the flier and throws it
away. Marina is packing up her
bag, too.)

VALERIE
Marina? I wondered if you'd have a few minutes to make
some copies for me.

MARINA
Sure. I have class with Paul -- Dr. Stockton -- in a
few minutes, but I can do it afterward.

VALERIE
I'll leave the books in my mailbox with post-its in
them, so you'll know what to do.

MARINA
Okay, thanks.

VALERIE
Marina?

MARINA
Yes?

VALERIE
Everything all right?

MARINA
Yeah. Just, you know... classes are picking up. Only a
few more weeks of school. I'm writing a lot of papers.

VALERIE
Did you ... this is none of my business, but did you
manage to get that last tuition bill paid? I know you
had been worried about it.

MARINA
Yeah. I managed.

VALERIE
Good. I'm glad to hear it.
 70.

MARINA
Well, my next class is just down the hall, but I'd
better get there.

VALERIE
It's a good thing it's close by. You won't have to
walk through Paul's annual protest that way.

MARINA
Yeah, I saw that earlier. What's the protest for?

VALERIE
It's an abortion protest.

MARINA
Why is he doing that?

VALERIE
It's a Catholic school. Every year there's some new
atrocity for women to wade through.

MARINA
Are you... Do you want to leave? Are you considering
the buyout?

VALERIE
Some days are better than others.

MARINA
I can't imagine this place without you in it.

VALERIE
One professor doesn't make a university.

MARINA
Oh, come on... You're coming back in the fall, aren't
you?

VALERIE
I ... I don't know yet.

MARINA
I hope you do.

VALERIE
Well. . . (Beat) Have fun in class. I'll leave the
books for you.
 71.

MARINA
Thanks. I'll pick them up before I head to work.
(Beat) Don't worry -- I won't bring them into the club
with me.

VALERIE
(Trying to be funny.) I don't know, some people like
being read to.

(Exit Marina and VALERIE)

 72.

ACT 2

SCENE 4

(Interior nondescript hotel room.

PAUL and MARINA in bed, having
just had sex.)

PAUL
It's a good thing I'm going away in a couple of
months.

MARINA
Yeah? Why?

PAUL
If I stayed, I'd probably never stop doing this.

MARINA
It's not the first time you've given in to temptation,
though, right?

PAUL
Well. . . the first time with a student. (Beat) You
are so wild. I used to be pretty wild in my own
college years.

MARINA
A lot of people are.

PAUL
I thought I was beyond it.

MARINA
Beyond what?

PAUL
Just . . . never mind.

MARINA
No, I'm interested.

PAUL
I don't know -- maybe, "beyond" being completely
selfish. (Beat) But the last couple of years. . .
going to the Cat Nip on breaks (beat) Even more now. I
was lonely. (Beat) I'm still lonely.
 73.

PAUL (Continued)
(Beat) It's odd, the older I get, the harder it is to
say no to temptation. I used to be able to exercise
some will power.

MARINA
It's overrated.

PAUL
No. (Beat) Having the same desires, but being able to
say no to them -- that means something.

MARINA
Well, like you said -- you're going away.

PAUL
Then, I'll be totally alone.

MARINA
Your wife will probably come to her senses, right?

PAUL
Would you, if you were her?

MARINA
She doesn't know about us, does she?

PAUL
I don't know. I doubt it. She's so busy with the kids
and her own work. I think she barely notices me. Then,
I can always say there's some midnight vigil thing at
school --

MARINA
Is that what you tell her you're doing when you're
seeing me?

PAUL
Sometimes. Other times, I stay up working until she's
in bed and sneak out of the house. I leave a note
saying I'm going to the store or that I forgot a book
at the office.

MARINA
That works?
 74.

PAUL
I suppose. To my knowledge she hasn't gotten out of
bed when I've been gone.

MARINA
Do you wish that she were coming with you to Ohio?

PAUL
Yeah. I do. (Beat) A lot.

MARINA
Why don't you tell her that?

PAUL
(Sad laugh) Do you charge extra for marriage
counseling?

MARINA
Nah . . . First one's free.

PAUL
(Beat. Sighs) I always feel a little sick for a day
after being with you.

MARINA
(Offended, but doesn't want to push him away entirely)
How is that supposed to make me feel?

PAUL
I don't know. I guess I want you to know that I have a
conscience.

MARINA
(Beat) Do you know what I like about you?

PAUL
What?

MARINA
You know the very worst things I've ever done, and you
still like me.

PAUL
Do you still like me?

MARINA
For now.
 75.

PAUL
That's God's role, you know -- liking you in spite of
yourself.

MARINA
I'm not sure about that.

PAUL
Oh right, you're the one who thinks that God is an
asshole.

MARINA
No, that's Milton in Paradise Lost. (Beat) What would
you say to a woman who left the church because of her
political leanings?

PAUL
That she's going to hell.

MARINA
(Sarcastically) Nice . . .

PAUL
No, no. I'm just kidding. I'd say that we need her to
stay in the church, so she can be an effective voice
for change.

MARINA
And how often has that worked?

PAUL
I don't know -- are you going to church this Sunday?
Then, I'd have saved one lost soul.

MARINA
No. I think if I really believed in God I'd stop
fucking you.

PAUL
To me, you're proof of the existence of God.

MARINA
(Kidding) Or the devil.

PAUL
(Leans in to kiss her neck.) See you in hell.
 76.

MARINA
(Kidding) Make sure you bring your wallet.

(Blackout)
 77.

ACT 2

SCENE 5

(VALERIE's office; VALERIE sits

working. Enter JILL. Later in the
scene, Marina and PAUL appear in a
separate part of the stage in a
flashback.)

JILL
(Knocks on door) Valerie?

VALERIE
Hi, Jill. Long time no see.

JILL
I know -- when I'm not prepping, I'm locked away in my
office trying to write.

VALERIE
Or grading, I imagine.

JILL
That, too. (Beat) In fact, that was why I wanted to
come see you. I believe you have a student named
Marina Decker?

VALERIE
Yes. She's in my Milton class and is my undergraduate
assistant. Why?

JILL
I was wondering if you had noticed anything out of the
ordinary with her this semester.

VALERIE
Well, I know that she has had some ... financial
problems.

JILL
I saw her crying in the bathroom earlier today.

VALERIE
Oh.
 78.

JILL
I just wondered if she had mentioned anything to you.
I know that students tend to trust you.

VALERIE
Marina has made some... choices... that I think are
outside of the norm, but I don't want to be more
specific than that. Maybe it's getting to her.

JILL
I graded her paper for my Women's literature class the
other day. She'd written about sex work. Her
interpretation was (beat) disturbingly thorough.

VALERIE
She is a good student.

JILL
Do you think it's more than that?

VALERIE
Like, what?

JILL
I don't know. Whenever I see her around men... they
always get too close to her. The way they look at
her... it's ... they don't even hide how they feel
about her.

VALERIE
What do you mean?

JILL
Like they've seen her naked.

VALERIE
Maybe they have. I know we work at a Catholic school,
but surely we aren't policing student's personal
lives.

JILL
But there's more. She -- I saw her with Paul Stockton
earlier. (Beat) They were talking very closely.

MARINA (separately)
I have something to tell you.
 79.

PAUL (separately)
Here? Now?

JILL
Like, she was pressed up against him. That was it --
they didn't kiss or otherwise touch each other.

PAUL (separately)
We're in the middle of the hallway.

MARINA (separately)
Oh come on. (Teasing) You like it.

PAUL (separately)
I hate that you're right.

JILL
But the way they were looking at each other.

PAUL (separately)
Mmm, I want you.

MARINA (separately)
So what I wanted to tell you was--

JILL
I have never looked at a student that way.

MARINA (separately)
I'm "late."

VALERIE
Dear lord.

JILL
Paul's leaving, right?

VALERIE
Yes. He's only a few weeks away from the end of his
contract.

JILL
Surely that's not why Marina was crying in the
bathroom.

PAUL (separately)
Is it mine?
 80.

VALERIE
No idea.

JILL
I wouldn't ask, it's just that you seem closer to her
than I am. So I wondered if you knew if anything was
wrong.

MARINA (separately)
(Angry) Jesus. Yes, it's yours.

VALERIE
I don't like to pry into my students' lives. Not that
that is what you did--you never know what you'll run
into in a bathroom.

JILL
I'm just worried. The paper ended up being more about
prostitution than any of the literature we'd read.

PAUL (separately)
I'm sorry. I had to ask, didn't I?

JILL
Do you think I should report what I saw with Paul?

MARINA (separately)
No.

VALERIE
If you want to protect yourself, you probably should
report it. You don't want to get accused of knowing
something and not saying anything about it.

JILL
Have you ever suspected anything between them?

PAUL (separately)
What?

VALERIE
(Lying) No.

JILL
Okay... You'd tell me wouldn't you?

PAUL (separately)
Come on, Marina. (Beat) Do you need money?
 81.

VALERIE
Well, she's supposed to come by later to drop off some
copies for me. If she seems interested in talking,
I'll listen.

JILL
There have just been some rumors flying around about
her, and then, this paper.

MARINA (separately)
Money, for what?

VALERIE
Yeah. It's nice of you to be concerned.

JILL
Well, I count student engagement as part of my service
work for tenure, so it's beneficial to me, too.

PAUL (separately)
I just thought -- with your political beliefs. . .
(This is what he wants:) You're getting rid of it,
aren't you?

VALERIE
No good deed goes undocumented.

JILL
That's the smart way to get tenure.

VALERIE
(Aside) It's one way...

JILL
I'm so nervous about doing everything right.

PAUL
I'll bring you some money. You shouldn't be put out.

JILL
But you never know. With these buyout offers and talk
about cuts, I've never been so stressed out in my
life.

MARINA
God, this sucks.
 82.

VALERIE
You know, it's funny. I've been thinking for a while
what a shame it is that undergraduates have such
tunnel vision about their careers.

PAUL (separately)
I know. You can't be a stripper and be pregnant.

VALERIE
I suppose being on the tenure track is very similar.
We assume this laser focus -- making sure that we tick
every box on our checklists -- but then, we don't seem
to enjoy it very much, do we?

JILL
How can you not enjoy it?

MARINA (separately)
(Angry) Maybe some guys would enjoy that.

VALERIE
Being well-regarded in a niche market makes life a
little awkward sometimes. I'm not a Hollywood
celebrity -- I have a normal, boring life -- but when
people in my field approach me like I'm some kind of
Oracle --

MARINA (separately)
People have fetishes about all sorts of shit. Besides,
why would you care?

VALERIE
-- you feel how alienated you've become. They talk to
you because they want to use you.

PAUL (separately)
You act like I'm using you.

VALERIE
They want you to write something for a collection
they're putting together so that their own work will
be legitimized. It's a service to the profession, so
you do it -- not because you want to, or have any time
to give away, but because it's expected.

MARINA (separately)
You're paying me. Of course you're using me.
 83.

VALERIE
And of course, you're flattered, and then hate
yourself for feeling flattered.

JILL
Students do the same thing. It's the ones you really
wish you could be friends with that disappear into the
ether.

MARINA (separately)
I have to go.

VALERIE
I always thought of my students as my children.

PAUL (separately)
Don't act like a child, Marina. You knew what you were
doing.

VALERIE
But then, children don't abandon their parents without
a backward glance, do they?

MARINA (separately)
Fuck off.

(Blackout)
 84.

ACT 2

SCENE 6

(Interior VALERIE's office;

VALERIE and Marina enter
together.)

MARINA
So that's what I'm writing my Milton paper about.

VALERIE
It sounds wonderful. Just remember, stay focused. I
want to see evidence from the text for these big
ideas, okay?

MARINA
Yeah, no problem. (Searches through backpack) Oh, here
are your copies. Do you want me to return these books
to the library?

VALERIE
If you don't mind, that would be great.

MARINA
I wanted to mention -- I read the book proposal that
you sent me about Shakespeare subverting the Bible.

VALERIE
Ah, yes. (Beat) What did you think?

MARINA
It inspired my own paper topic. I know you said Milton
writes really disparaging stuff about Eve, but I'm
seeing it differently -- like, a feminist analysis can
reclaim her and show that Milton, maybe without
knowing it, really makes Eve a kind of hero.

VALERIE
In relation to --

MARINA
Hope. The analogy that Milton makes to Pandora is the
key, I think. So correct me if I'm wrong, but in the
Pandora myth, Pandora is the first woman, right?

VALERIE
Yes, like Eve in the Judeo-Christian tradition.
 85.

MARINA
Then, she releases evil into the world, just like Eve.
The only thing left in Pandora's box is hope -- just
like Milton shows at the end of Paradise Lost when
Adam and Eve have to leave Eden.
(Reciting the poem)
"Some natural tears they dropped, but wiped them soon;
The World was all before them, where to choose
Their place of rest, and Providence their guide:
They, hand in hand, with wandering steps and slow,
Through Eden took their solitarie way." There's so much
hope in that ending.

VALERIE
I suppose so.

MARINA
That's what we'd talked about in class.

VALERIE
Yes, you're right.

MARINA
You don't seem to think so now.

VALERIE
I hadn't thought about leaving paradise when we
discussed the ending in class.

MARINA
Meaning?

VALERIE
I may be leaving the university

MARINA
No.

VALERIE
Well. Maybe. (Beat) Think about what happens after
Adam and Eve leave Eden. Cain kills Able. It's not
good enough for Adam and Eve to be punished
themselves, but because sin has entered into the
world, their child is murdered by another one of their
children. There's nothing more painful to a parent
than the death of their child.
 86.

MARINA
(Beat, considering whether she should ask this
question) You ... haven't. . . had any ...

VALERIE
No, I haven't. (Beat) But my brother died when he was
quite young, and I saw how it destroyed my mother. She
was so changed by his death. Nothing was ever the same
again.

MARINA
How did he die?

VALERIE
A car accident. I was only four years old when he
died, but I remember it well. I had loved him so much
when he was born, and then when he died, I was so
angry. Not only was my brother gone, but his death had
changed my mother so dramatically, as if she were
replaced by a shadow.

MARINA
Do you think the death of a child affects all women
that way?

VALERIE
I would never dare to speak for all women.

MARINA
What if they didn't want that baby?

VALERIE
When I was in graduate school, I knew a girl who was
raped and as a result got pregnant. She didn't want
the pregnancy, so she had an abortion. She felt it was
necessary -- a purging of the attack.

MARINA
I used to think, "I could never do that."

VALERIE
People never know what they're capable of until
they're faced with a situation. Generally speaking,
people are far too judgmental.

MARINA
People around here are.
 87.

VALERIE
It's curious how desperate people at this school are
to plant themselves in women's vaginas.

MARINA
In my experience, it's not just at this school.

VALERIE
I mean -- in the case of abortion.

MARINA
You know, I took a flier from the abortion protest. It
says there are 3000 abortions per day in America, but
there aren't. I looked it up.

VALERIE
They're just shaming people about living their lives.
Next week it'll be something new.

MARINA
It feels very personal right now. I've had to walk
past that abortion protest every day this week. Now
they have counter-protests on the opposite side of the
fountain. People are shouting back and forth at each
other about these hypothetical babies.

VALERIE
Oh, Marina.

MARINA
So yeah. (Clearly Valerie understands that Marina is
pregnant)

VALERIE
Does ... the father know?

MARINA
Yeah. He just threw money at the problem.

VALERIE
I see.

MARINA
So I have an appointment on Thursday.

VALERIE
I'm sorry you have to go through this.
 88.

MARINA
Hey, if I have a choice, it's not a tragedy, right? It
would be a lot more tragic if I didn't get to decide
what happened to me.

VALERIE
Most decisions are compromises. Take Kate in Taming of
the Shrew for instance. Is that play about torture or
compromise? People have argued about that for years.

MARINA
The Compromise of the Shrew -- doesn't quite have the
same ring to it.

VALERIE
Well, anyway -- we've dipped back into hypotheticals.

MARINA
Yeah. (Beat) I should probably get going. Papers to
write, things to do.

VALERIE
Okay.

MARINA
(As she's getting ready to leave) When do you have to
decide about the buyout?

VALERIE
Soon. I have until graduation to fill out paperwork,
either way.

MARINA
I'm thinking about transferring, especially if you
leave.

VALERIE
Oh Marina. You're nearly done here. Transferring will
mean you'll lose a lot of credits. It might take an
extra year or more.

MARINA
Yeah, but here, there's a hillside covered in pink
flags to contend with.

VALERIE
That won't be here forever.
 89.

MARINA
It will be for me.

(Blackout)
 90.

ACT 2

SCENE 7

(Exterior - at the protest.

VALERIE walks in to the protest on
the pro-life side. PAUL stands
holding a sign with a slogan on
it.)

VALERIE
Paul, might I have a word?

PAUL
Are you here for the protest? I have a sign you can
hold.

VALERIE
Not really.

PAUL
Okay, what's up?

VALERIE
Look, Paul, I've had a student come talk to me about
being uncomfortable about these protests. People are
talking about it all the time. It's a huge distraction
from the work they should be doing for the end of the
term.

PAUL
But it's part of Campus Ministry. You know I'm just
the faculty liaison; I don't have control over these
things.

VALERIE
I understand. It's just -- you have influence with
Campus Ministry, and you could, perhaps, reason with
them.

PAUL
This is important work we're doing here, Val.

VALERIE
(Forceful whisper) Do not pretend that you, of all
people, really want abortion to be illegal.
 91.

PAUL
What are you saying?

VALERIE
(Forceful whisper) I think you know what I'm saying.
Is the protest going to end by Thursday?

PAUL
(Beat) It wasn't supposed to go on like this.

VALERIE
The protest? Or Marina?

PAUL
Marina? I don't know what you're talking about.

VALERIE
You know, Paul, you have all these pink flags out
here. You look at these flags, and you see aborted
fetuses. I look at these flags, and I see 3000 women
being judged without anyone ever hearing their side of
the story.

PAUL
Oh, and I'm sure you've heard a lot of these stories.

VALERIE
I've heard many women's stories, yes.

PAUL
What you're hearing are incredible lies.

VALERIE
Here are a few true stories: I knew a woman who
desperately wanted her child, but it died inside her.
Removing it is counted as an abortion. I knew a woman
who would have died from an ectopic pregnancy. She
saved her life. I knew a girl who was raped by her
father. She refused to carry his child. I knew a
student who was sleeping with her professor. He threw
money at her.

PAUL
Excuse me?
 92.

VALERIE
I've heard many shocking stories. The last one, I
inferred by adding two and two.

PAUL
I don't know what you're implying--

VALERIE
Oh, I think you do, Paul.

PAUL
(Whispers) And what are you going to do? Run and tell
Mark? Do you really think anyone is going to believe
you?

VALERIE
They might.

PAUL
Even if they do, you've seen these stories in the
media -- it never matters. Presidents still get
elected, judges still get confirmed, priests still
"hopscotch from parish to parish." You said so
yourself.

VALERIE
Brave rhetoric from a man who pays for abortions, then
protests abortion at work.

PAUL
My life is none of your business.

VALERIE
(Takes a flag) These women's lives are none of your
business, unless you've impregnated them all. I doubt
your buyout was big enough to pay for 3,000 abortions.

PAUL
You're right, Valerie. You really are a bitch. (Exit
Paul)

VALERIE
(Yells after him) And you're Milton's God come to
life. (To herself) Not that he knows what that means
or anything. (Sighs) Good grief. (Exit)
 93.

ACT 2

SCENE 8

(Interior dressing room at the Cat

Nip. Marina sits styling her hair.
Enter FLINT)

FLINT
Hey, Marina, good tippers tonight.

MARINA
Hope so.

FLINT
Hey -- you still interested in extra hours?

MARINA
Yeah, probably. When do you need?

FLINT
I need some girls to fill in for Lucy.

MARINA
Lucy? Why? Is she sick?

FLINT
She O.D.ed.

MARINA
Oh my God. Is she going to be okay?

FLINT
No. She O.D.ed. She's gone. Caput.

MARINA
Gone?

FLINT
Yeah, she ain't coming back, kid. (Beat) Lots more
hours to fill, kid. Lots more money to make. (Beat) So
you let me know when you wanna work, got it?

MARINA
(Beat) Got it.
 94.

FLINT
Hey, cheer up. You ain't gonna make any money with
that look on your face.

MARINA
(Beat) Got it.

(Exit Flint. Marina gets

upset and throws up in the
trash can. She stares at
herself in the mirror, then
picks up her phone to make a
call.)

MARINA (Continued)
Dr. Hardy? Hey, it's Marina. Hey, can I talk to you
for a minute?

(Blackout)
 95.

ACT 2

SCENE 9

(Interior: Valerie's office.

Valerie sits reading)

MARK
(Knocks at the door) Dr. Hardy.

VALERIE
Yes? Oh, hi, Mark.

MARK
Can I speak with you, please?

VALERIE
Is something wrong?

MARK
Do you have a minute.

VALERIE
Sure. Yes. Have a seat.

MARK
Dr. Hardy, a serious situation has been brought to my
attention that I wanted to talk to you about.

VALERIE
What is it?

MARK
Some students came to me about the pink flags protest
on campus.

VALERIE
Yes, I'm familiar with it.

MARK
I was told that you came to it and got in a heated
conversation with Dr. Stockton.

VALERIE
Yes, that's true. Did you hear what the conversation
was about?
 96.

MARK
A student filmed you talking to him. The sound is
faint because of the protestors chanting and talking,
but the student said that you were standing up for
abortion rights.

VALERIE
Not exactly. I was confronting Paul about a
relationship he has with a student.

MARK
That's not what I was told.

VALERIE
All right. What else were you told?

MARK
I've already spoken to Paul, and he said that you
accused him of sleeping with and impregnating a
student who was prostituting herself. Not only that,
you accused him of paying for an abortion for that
student.

VALERIE
Yes, that's true.

MARK
Dr. Hardy, do you understand the gravity of accusing
Dr. Stockton of these outrageous claims in public, in
front of students?

VALERIE
Outrageo--

MARK
Stop. I know you're going to deny it, but I have a
video on my computer that plainly shows you doing it.

VALERIE
I'm not denying that I did it. I'm denying that the
claims are outrageous. The claims are facts.

MARK
Dr. Hardy. Paul Stockton is a married man. An upright
man. A Catholic.
 97.

VALERIE
(Laughs quietly and rolls her eyes)

MARK
This isn't funny, Valerie.

VALERIE
No, it's not. It's truly NOT funny that you are more
worried about Paul's reputation than you are about
investigating whether these claims are true.

MARK
I've already investigated.

VALERIE
How?

MARK
I interviewed Paul.

VALERIE
Did you interview the student in question, Marina
Decker?

MARK
In the interest of her privacy, I'm not at liberty to
say what we spoke about.

VALERIE
Seriously?

MARK
And that's another thing -- how do you dare trample on
the reputation of a student like this? It could ruin
her life having these rumors spread about her.

VALERIE
Oh my God. You have truly gotten it wrong here, Mark.

MARK
Have I? A well-loved professor decides to take the
buyout and move on to a new job. He's still a young
professional, agile, ready to move on to a new
challenge. You're so inflamed by his playing along
with the administration that you try to ruin him. Does
that sound about right?
 98.

VALERIE
No. It sounds completely idiotic. It's not even close
to probable.

MARK
Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.

VALERIE
Nothing is that bizarre, Mark.

MARK
See, it's that kind of condescension that makes
everyone around here think you're a bad fit for St.
Sebastian. You've overstayed your welcome. People
think you should leave.

VALERIE
Maybe I should. (Beat. Mark is clearly shocked, but
says nothing.) I've been tempted to think about the
buyout ever since your threat to double teaching
loads. I tried to resist. Very hard. Just the other
day, I thought, "You know, it would be difficult, but
I could do it. I could learn something from teaching
first-year writing again." I was ready to stay. I had
ideas and energy. I was going to give it my all. But
this nonsense about Paul? Accusing me of slander?
Accusing me of defamation when it's Paul who has had
an improper relationship with a student? That -- I
just -- I cannot believe it. It is the strongest
evidence I've ever seen that this school is completely
corrupt.

MARK
If there's corruption, you're part of it. You have
students saying that God is an asshole.

VALERIE
Did Paul tell you that?

MARK
Him and several of your students.

VALERIE
I was talking about Milton's God, not "God" God.
 99.

MARK
This is a Catholic school. It's part of your contract
to uphold the values of the Catholic faith, whether
you're a believer or not.

VALERIE
This is why, as I said to you months ago, that tenure
is important. This is a school. We have academic
freedom. We are supposed to ask questions, whether
they are popular or not.

MARK
You (emphasizing every word) cannot teach students
that God is an asshole.

VALERIE
Then, I cannot teach at all.

MARK
You really think God is an asshole?

VALERIE
I don't fucking care about God. The point here is that
a student has submitted to prostitution and her client
was a professor -- a Theology professor, I might add
-- and you aren't going to do anything about it,
except ask me to leave. Are you fucking crazy, Mark?
Or do you think I'm using prostitution as a metaphor?
Is that what college is now, some prostitution
allegory? As long as there are butts in the seats,
we'll whore ourselves out to anyone who walks in the
door. We invent all this bullshit technology to shill
fake education the way a hooker sells fake love. You
couldn't pay me to stay.

MARK
(Takes an envelope from his suit coat pocket and
places it on her desk) Sign the paperwork and get it
back to my office as soon as you can.

(Exit Mark)

VALERIE
(Pause) Shit. (Beat) SHIT! (Pause. She starts to cry
angrily.) What's the lesson I'm supposed to learn
here? I'm not in the middle of some fucking epic poem
-- this is my goddamn life! (Cries some more).
 100.

VALERIE (Continued)
I gave this place everything. I could have had real
children instead of students. I mean nothing to them.
(Beat, crying.) I didn't have to be lonely and hated
and resented and feared. This isn't paradise. It's a
brothel. (Pause, crying, moving from anger to despair.
After a while, she opens her Shakespeare book, reads,
and starts to laugh. Reads aloud) "I wasted time and
now doth time waste me." (Beat) Christ, Shakespeare.
You always knew exactly the right words.

(Enter Charlie)

CHARLIE
Oh, excuse me, Miss Val. I can come back.

VALERIE
No, no, Charlie. It's -- I'm okay.

CHARLIE
I can tell you aren't. What's wrong?

VALERIE
It's just -- I've decided to leave the university.

CHARLIE
What for?

VALERIE
I don't think I belong here anymore. It's not the
place I thought it was.

CHARLIE
Ain't no perfect place. Except maybe paradise.

VALERIE
(Laughs quietly) (Aside) That may be gone for good.

CHARLIE
Well, what's next for you, then?

VALERIE
I have no idea.

CHARLIE
With all that education you'll be able to figure it
out. You're a nice lady, Miss Val.
 101.

VALERIE
That's kind of you to say, Charlie. Not many people
around here agree with you.

CHARLIE
Even if they don't, we know the truth.

VALERIE
Is there such a thing?

CHARLIE
As truth? Far as I can see, it's the only thing.

VALERIE
I just look around this place -- this world -- and I
feel so overwhelmed with the injustice of it. It's
like nothing I have ever done is worth anything, or
made a difference. Nothing I've done has made the
world a better place.

CHARLIE
Now, that's not true. Students don't know it now, but
someday, they'll remember something you said, and
they'll think, "Yeah. She was right." Maybe they wake
up one day, stare at the ceiling and think, "I got my
house, my car, my family and a dog. Is this all there
is?" And they'll think, "No, Miss Val told me there
was literature. There's a whole lot more lives to live
in them books." And maybe they'll read one and think
of you.

VALERIE
I'll never know, will I.

CHARLIE
Maybe that's what paradise is -- when you get up there
in heaven, you'll know you made a difference.

VALERIE
I'm . . . I hate to say this, Charlie, but I'm not
sure I believe in heaven.

CHARLIE
That's all right, Miss Val, I'll believe for you. But
hey, this ain't the end for you -- there's other
differences to be made.
 102.

CHARLIE (Continued)
Out there -- outside these walls -- there's a whole
world of chances to make a difference. Teaching ain't
the only way to do it.

VALERIE
(Stands and holds her hand out to shake his hand. He
offers her a hug, and she takes it, crying a little
bit in his arms.) Thank you, Charlie. You made a
difference to me today. I won't forget it.

CHARLIE
Least I can do, Miss Val.
(Blackout)
 103.

ACT 2

SCENE 10

(Interior Valerie's office.

Valerie is packing when Marina
knocks on the door.)

MARINA
Dr. Hardy?

VALERIE
Hi, Marina. I'm glad you stopped by.

MARINA
I wanted to say thank you for the comments on my
paper. They meant a lot to me.

VALERIE
It's my pleasure. It was a good paper. I'm sure Milton
would be in a rage, but you made Eve the hero of
humanity.

MARINA
Eating from the tree of knowledge -- that's what we're
doing here. She was the first to risk it all to know
more. To be educated.

VALERIE
There's a high price to becoming educated.

MARINA
In more ways than one.

VALERIE
Where are you off to?

MARINA
I'm transferring to the state satellite school where
my sister lives. She said I could stay with her to
finish up school.

VALERIE
That's great.

MARINA
I've been wanting to reconnect with her lately, so
it'll be good.
 104.

MARINA (Continued)
(Beat) Plus, the school ended up accepting basically
all my credits, and it's only a quarter of what it
costs to go here.

VALERIE
The secret that no one tells you is that it really
doesn't matter where you go to school. I'm sure that
Harvard and Stanford would disagree with me.

MARINA
It's cheap enough that I won't have to dance anymore.

VALERIE
Well . . . I never thought poorly of you for that.

MARINA
I thought I was being so progressive -- a real
feminist, in charge of my own body. I didn't think
there would be repercussions.

VALERIE
Seems like there aren't any for Paul.

MARINA
I don't know. I . . . I talked to a reporter
yesterday.

VALERIE
You did?

MARINA
The story should come out next week.

VALERIE
Did you speak to Mark Townsend? He wouldn't tell me
about it.

MARINA
Yeah . . . I told him about what happened. The
problem is, Mark Townsend -- he's been to the club
before, and Paul knows it. I told him. If he did
anything to Paul, Mark could get exposed, too.
 105.

VALERIE
God. I can't pack fast enough to get away from that
man. (Beat) Did you tell the reporter about Mark as
well?

MARINA
Oh yeah.

VALERIE
I can't believe that in a small college town these men
would be so indiscreet.

MARINA
They cover for each other. And they always say the
same thing --

VALERIE
"Who's going to believe you"?

MARINA
Yep.

VALERIE
Christ. (Beat) For what it's worth, I believe you.

MARINA
The reporter did, too.

VALERIE
Good. Perhaps the story will hold the mirror up to
nature. You know, show the world what these people
really are.

MARINA
I don't know what will. Seems like these guys just
keep getting away with things. They've run you out.
They're running me out.

VALERIE
You're smart. You're creative. No matter what you do,
you're going to be just fine.

MARINA
What about you?
 106.

VALERIE
Well, financially, I have some time. Maybe it'll feel
like endless summer -- time enough to read and write,
wonder about things. Reread Shakespeare.

MARINA
Maybe I'll revisit Shakespeare this summer. What
should I read?

VALERIE
(Thinks for a moment) Pericles. There's a girl named
"Marina" in it.

MARINA
That's right. You told me about her in the fall -- I'd
forgotten.

VALERIE
You might find her story very interesting. She ends up
having more integrity than most people.

MARINA
(Beat) This place doesn't deserve you.

VALERIE
It doesn't deserve you either. (They hug) Stay in
touch, okay?

MARINA
I'll try.

VALERIE
(Resuming packing) There's so much to do. So much to
figure out.

MARINA
The world is all before us, right? Just like Adam and
Eve.

VALERIE
I hope so.
(Blackout. End of play.)