Filipino Children in Family and Society: Growing Up in a Many-People Environment

HIROMU SHIMIZU

The objective of this presentation is to report on the social environment in which children grow up in the Philippines. To
be more specific, this is a report on the characteristics of the socialization process of Filipino children who are born and
brought up in the many-people environment beyond the nuclear family, with complicated dyadic relations and various
parenting figures. The reference materials I have used concern the Tagalog people living in the central and southern
areas of the island of Luzon, but basically these findings will also apply to the group called lowland Christians.

The Family Circle Around the Child

In the Philippines, the nuclear family is the basic form of household. A closer view of the people in daily life, however,
shows that the nuclear family is not a closed, isolated unit consisting of only the married couple and their unmarried
children. It has frequent and intimate interactions with the families living nearby. It is not unusual to find elderly parents
or elderly unmarried siblings of the household’s head still living together in the same household.

Even newlywed couples frequently live in the home of the parents of either the husband or the wife. They build a new
house after one or two children are born, but even then they prefer to build the house within the compound of the
parent’s house or in the same neighborhood. There are no set rules about whether they live with the husband’s parents
or the wife’s parents. Statistics show that the Bisayan and Bikol groups tend to choose the wife’s family and the Tagalog
and Ilocano groups the husband’s family. In either case, however, the choice seems to depend basically on which family
offers better economic conditions, such as wealth, amount of agricultural land, housing, or job opportunities. No clear-
cut differences can be observed between men and women, as the parents’ estate is divided equally among brothers and
sisters.

Besides children continuing to live in the parents’ house or in the same compound after marriage, there are many
instances of relatives living on adjoining or nearby land. When relatives live in the same neighborhood or group together
in one place, there is frequent visiting and sharing of food among them. According to Murray (1973), a local kin group is
formed in such a case. Three relationships are formed simultaneously in this group: magkamag-anak (consanguineal or
affinal relations), magkapitbahay (neighboring relations). These combine to form organic relationship that surpasses the
nuclear family, which Murray says is “somewhat like a unilineal group.” To quote from his report:

“Among the Northern Tagalog as found in San Isidro, Nueva Ecija, there are corporate local kin groups composed of
family-households. There is no Tagalog term for such groups, but residents recognize their existence… Local kin groups
are the supra familial units within which all important day-to-day, face-to-face interaction occurs (particularly for the
very old and the very young)… Although component nuclear-family households are distinguishable from one another in
terms of separate roofs, interaction pattern makes this distinction less clear at all phases of the nuclear family’s
development… Moreover, since the children born to family-households belonging to such a local kin group tend at
marriage to remain in the group, the local kin group persists over time. In this it is somewhat like a unilineal group”
(pp.28, 34–35).

While Murray (1973) states that neighbors who do not have consanguineal or affinal relations are not members of this
local kin group (p32), he recognizes the basis of this group as locality rather than descent (p30). Takahashi (1972), who
conducted a survey in Bulacan in central Luzon, points out the importance to daily life of a neighboring household group,
which is formed on the basis of kinship relations but also includes non-kin neighbors.

Although all the people in the barrio have a friendly relationship, they do not have equal relations with everyone in the
community. There is a much closer relationship in every aspect of daily living among those who live within shouting
distance of each other. These groups of people who have face-to-face contacts are called kapitbahay (neighbors). To use
the words of a friend who lives in Baliwag town, kapitbahay are those living within a stone’s throw.

In the case of my village, in various places in the paddy fields, there are several slightly raised plots of land, called pulo
(meaning ‘island’), surrounded by trees or bamboo forests where several to ten odd houses are grouped together. Not
all the people living in one pulo are consanguineal nor affinal relatives, but the relationship in each group is a very close
one. Members of the kapitbahay spend their time sitting together and chatting day and night and it is also the
kapitbahay members who help in the search for a lost carabao (water buffalo). When there was a funeral, the people
who were providing the utmost assistance, such as in the kitchen, were kapitbahay members. It is also among the
kapitbahay members that the custom of the housewife borrowing food and daily living commodities from friends and
neighbors (humingi) is most frequently observed. This kapitbahay is truly a primary group supported by feelings of
solidarity and unity, and it is where social regulations in daily living are strongest” (p.166).
It is questionable whether the group that Murray calls the local kin group and Takahashi calls the neighboring household
group is really a social group. This group has no membership rules or fixed boundaries and the way it is formed differs
according to the situation. It may be more appropriate to call this, as Kaut (1965) does, a social grouping or a family
circle of interwoving dyadic relations. Furthermore, the kind of family group having a clearly delineated framework, as
reported by Murray and Takahashi, does not exist in every Tagalog region. However, since this report does not aim to
present a study of Filipino social structure of analytical concepts, I only wish to point out and stress the fact that the
nuclear family in this case is not a closed and isolated unit but part of a more open relationship. Some researchers point
to the existence of the extended family as a group that transcends the nuclear family and its significant role in child
rearing practices.

Features of Child Rearing

A newlywed couple will rarely live in isolation among complete strangers. They will usually live close to the parents of
either the husband or wife, within the same house or in a small house built near the parents’ house. They will begin their
new life together in a place where parents, uncles and aunts, brothers and sisters, and cousins are grouped together.
They will also associate with families living in the neighborhood practically as though they were relatives, even if they
are not consanguineally or affinally related. When one considers the growing-up process of Filipino children within this
network of close human relations, the following can be pointed out as effects of the surrounding environment.

First of all, the presence of many parenting figures, or surrogates for the mother and father, such as grandparents,
uncles and aunts, and older cousins, has the most significance. The responsibility for child rearing does not rest solely on
the child’s parents. “As soon as the child can be carried outside the house, he generally passes from one hand to
another—fondled, kissed, pinched and caressed by almost everyone”. There is always someone close at hand to take
care of the child when the mother has to go to work or leave the house on some errand.

Women are extremely active in Filipino society, in politics, economics, administration, education, and many other fields,
and the status of women is generally high. Although the fact that society has a climate that can accept the social activity
of women is a very important background factor. The fact that women can easily find someone to take over their child
rearing and housework is also a major factor. Wealthy and middle-class families in the cities employ housemaids at low
wages; but when women of the general populace, or women living in rural villages or smaller cities go out to work in
retail business or as civil servants or teachers or when they go out to do farm work with their husbands, even they can
easily find someone (such as the children’s grandparents or an uncle or aunt) to take care of their children.

If a daughter becomes an unwed mother or is separated from her husband, the grandparents will become parent
surrogates for the child or an uncle may become a father surrogate. Even if the family is angry at the daughter and will
not speak to her, the child is fully accepted into the family and treated warmly.

The second characteristic of the child’s socialization process in the Philippines is that the child is taken care of for a long
period of time, owing to the fact that, as seen in the primary characteristic, there are many adults or elderly people who
can become parenting figures. Even when the next child is born and the mother’s attention is focused on the newborn
baby, there is no lack of parenting figures to take care of the older child and therefore no need for the child to become
independent immediately. If the child cannot carry out such activities as bathing, dressing, or cleansing after elimination
independently, there is always someone nearby to help. Even when the child can do those things unaided, it is not
unusual for someone to help anyway. Furthermore, when the child has matured to a certain degree, he or she will have
to look after younger brothers and sisters, and cousins in the same way. In general, there are no rules or requirements in
the Philippines regarding what the child must be able to do at a certain age. “Maturation is a leisurely process, not to be
accelerated by parental encouragement or too deliberate training. The child will eventually come around to it when he
understands”. It is neither unusual nor embarrassing for one child to be unable to do at the age of four what another
can do at the age of two. Furthermore, it is strongly believed that the longer the parents sleep with the child, the longer
the child feels affection for the parents and family after growing up and the longer the child stays close to the family.
Therefore, the child is not trained to sleep alone. The third characteristic is that the child has very little stress or feelings
of frustration, because there were many parent surrogates to satisfy his or her desires. Even if the child’s parents do not
satisfy his desires, someone he can select from among the close relationships, such as the grandparents, uncles, or
aunts, will realize his wishes. When the mother ignores or refuses to indulge the child’s wishes, it will not be such a great
psychological strain on the child. Even if the child has feelings of sorrow, anger, or rebellion, such feelings are temporary
and never long lasting, and there will be no accumulation of great stress that may change the child’s character. It is
probably because there is so little stress of this kind that the so-called juvenile delinquency in the Philippines is rarely
associated with great violence.
Observing the socialization process of the child in the Philippines, the characteristics may be described, in a word, as
extremely dependent. The concept of dependency has negative connotations, such as mental or physical weakness, but
in the Philippines it does not have a

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negative meaning. Dependency must be understood as a relationship that begins with the recognized relationship that
the child forms with the adults in the environment and eventually extends into a mutually dependent, cooperative
relationship in which all the members depend on each other and help each other. At least among family members,
neighbors, friends, and acquaintances, living in a relationship of mutual cooperation and assistance is an important
social philosophy that does not change, no matter what age one attains, and is considered an ideal way of social life. In
their discussion of dependency and the child’s seeking of nurturance, which extends into habitual succoring adults. The
child seeks help even when he does not need it as a bid for attention and affection. If he picks the right time, he gets it.
If not, the situation is plain enough or he is there, he is called on to help. He is not so much an individual as he is a part
of a family whose older members are his support and whose younger members are his responsibility. Responsibilities
are not pushed on him when he reaches a certain age. Instead he grows into them, gaining the necessary skills as he
participates in the day-to-day activities of the family.

From childhood he learns to enjoy being taken care of and realizes that he can make others happy by being dependent
on them. There is no age when a child is expected to leave home or an age when he is expected to become fully self-
reliant.

Conditions of A Good Child

The fact that the child has multiple choices besides the parents in receiving love and protection has many positive
aspects. The child, however, does not receive such favors onesidedly. The child also has to carry out the role and
behavior that the adults in his environment expect of him.

In the Philippines, a child is a blessing from God and is considered proof that the family is living in the grace of God. At
the same time, for the parents, the child is a form of investment and security in old age. For this reason it is generally
believed that the greater the number of children and the larger the family, the happier the family will be. The
government is conducting various family planning campaigns to reduce the annual population growth rate, which is
close to three percent, but with very little effect. Not because Roman Catholic doctrine forbids it (the people are rarely
conscious of the fact that it is forbidden) but because of the strong desire to have many children. Even if the wife
attends lectures on family planning and takes an interest in birth control, it may be difficult to practice because the
husband, who thinks many children to be proof of manliness, might be uncooperative or the parents, who believe a
large family ideal, might be against it. The average number of children born alive per couple is presently about 5.4 (1970
census). The figure is lower in Metro Manila and other urban areas and higher in rural areas. It is not unusual to find
couples with more than ten children.

The many children born in this environment have various important roles to play in family life according to their stage of
maturation. When the child is still a baby, he is the center of the love and attention of the parents and other adults and
is expected to provide laughter and joy through his smile and gestures. Weaning and toilet training are not as forced or
early as in the United States or Japan and have even been described as permissive, but it is not important in the child’s
development that he become able to take care of himself. Rather, it is considered more important that the child learns
to respond actively to the people surrounding him and to communicate intimately with them. Eventually, the child must
take care of younger brothers and sisters and carry out such daily tasks as drawing water. Boys must eventually help
with their father’s work and look after domestic animals and girls must help their mothers with housework and
shopping.

In the Philippines, the world of adults and the world of children are not separated and the children assume certain roles
in the family that they are capable of assuming in accordance with their ages. The children learn as they help the adults
in their work, by imitating what they observe or by receiving specific training. There are therefore very few tasks or
activities from which the adults will exclude the children. Even at bedtime, there is no set time beyond which the
children are not allowed to stay awake and they are allowed to stay up late with the adults if they wish to do so.
However, the children are usually exhausted by the day’s activities and will go to sleep before the adults. Even if a
separation into the world of adults and the world of children were possible, in the Philippines the two worlds would
exist in a relationship of interaction, super imposed over each other.

The child’s growth, therefore, is not a process in which the child becomes an adult through a sequence of rites of
passage, receiving a clear-cut status in each stage of development. It is, rather, one in which the child, with the
exception of certain rites—such as entering elementary school or Confirmation—assumes the world of adults little by
little in accordance with his physical growth and gradually enters the adult world. At the same time, he learns the values
and behavior patterns of the adults.

Returning to a previous point of discussion, in a life style in which the families of relatives live close to one another and
friendly relations are maintained with neighbors who are not relatives, there are many parent surrogates but there are
at the same time a great number of children. The child has many choices regarding parenting figures, but at the same
time the child is not the sole focus of the love and attention of each adult or elderly person. There are always several
competitors, such as siblings close in age or cousins of the same age. In such complex relationships, even a child cannot
always demand attention or depend unconditionally on the people in his environment:

Very early the child learns to relate at many different levels to several different adults and, if necessary, learns to
manipulate situations, to weave his way through to get his own specific needs met, and his uniqueness acknowledged.
He has to find a place of his own in this many people environment, or else his value may not be recognized. If one
considers the complexity of the combinations of interrelationships involved; one cannot but marvel at how smoothly
and rhythmically this machinery of the Filipino family can operate in spite of all odds!

In order to fulfill one’s desires or objectives, one first of all must be accepted by others and maintain close and friendly
relations with them. “With many people living in a close physical and social relationship, the handling of hostility is of
crucial importance. A good deal of emphasis is placed on the ability to avoid potentially angry situations”. Therefore, as
Lynch (1973) emphasizes, the building of “smooth interpersonal relations” is indispensable for the realization of “social
acceptance”, the most important motivating factor in the behavior of the Filipinos.

Filipino children are indulged by many parenting figures during the early infant period, but once they reach a certain
developmental state, they are taught not to be self-centered or to try and have their own way in everything, but to
always be considerate of other family members and all the other people in the environment. The child is repeatedly told
that other people have likes, dislikes, and desires just as he does and that if a conflict of interest should arise, he should
always be the one to give in to others. The child thus learns at a relatively early stage to refrain from asserting his ego
and that he should not try to push his demands through the end. The child is also taught that other people have
different characters and personalities just as he has different tastes and desires, and that he should be able to get along
with all types of people. In order to do this, he should be careful about his attitude and language so as not to anger,
hurt, or annoys the other party. Even when he feels uncomfortable or angry, he should not let the other party detect it
by letting it show in his facial expression. So he must smile when the situation requires it even when he is not amused,
and pretend to be calm even when he feels violent rage. A rebellious attitude should be avoided more than anything
else and is strongly suppressed.

Thus, the social environment in which Filipino children grow up nips an aggressive attitude in the bud and orients the
child’s development and character formation toward getting along and cooperating with others. In other words,
respecting the emotions and feelings of others, and suppressing one’s own anger or displeasure for the sake of smooth
interpersonal relations, is valued more than anything else. The child must learn the art of sociability in his own way and
play the role of the good child.

In concrete terms this means not only that the child must not argue or fight but also that the child must avoid getting
into tense situations that could lead to arguments or fights. When the child loses his temper or raises his voice in anger,
such behavior is regarded as reflecting the bad character or disposition of the whole family. Even when the child is
angry, he must not talk back and must always remain cool and composed and assume a friendly attitude. When he
cannot do so, he can, for example, cry or use some other peaceful method of expression to show the other party or the
adults in the environment how hurt or angry he is and thus try to receive their protection.

Expansion and Manipulation of Dyadic Relations

The diverse human relations that surround the child are not limited to relatives and acquaintances living in the same
grounds or neighborhood. As the next baby is born and the child retreats from the center of attraction, the circle of
attention with which he has frequent contacts will grow. He will gradually assume closer contacts with playmates,
people in the same village (kababaryo), relatives living in other areas, godparents with whom he will associate through
the compadre system, and so forth.
When one meets Filipino people, one is immediately struck by the strength of their family bonds and by the great
number of relatives they seem to have. In various daily-life situations it is not unusual to be introduced to one person
after another and to find that they are related. In the Philippines, the third cousins of the ego and the spouse, that is, the
descendants of the siblings of the great-grandparents are usually recognized as relatives. In some instances the fourth or
even more remote cousins are recognized as relatives. Since the average nuclear family size is seven to eight members,
the number of relatives’ swells to tremendous proportions by geometric progression. According to the calculations of
one sociologist, one Filipino person will have three hundred relatives during his lifetime, even by the most modest
estimates.

In actual daily life, however, it is impossible to maintain equally close relations with such a great number of relatives.
The actual number with whom one can associate and maintain close and frequent contacts will be much smaller. The
relatives with whom one has intimate relations are not necessarily determined by set rules, such as the degree of
consanguinity, but by one’s personal tastes and voluntary selection, based on how well one gets along with them,
proximity of location, economic merit, and so forth. This creates what is known in social anthropology as a “personal
kindred.” The personal kindred is a social category consisting of an individual’s circle of relatives or that range of a
person’s relatives accorded special cultural recognition. It is not a clearly delineated group, such as a lineage of
descendants of a particular ancestor, but is an egocentered circle of consanguineal (and affinal) relatives. The dyadic
relationship of ego with each relative is not fixed and unchanging. When the individual is on bad terms with a relative,
he stops associating with him regardless of the degree of consanguinity, while a distant relative becomes an important
member of the circle if he lives nearby and is on friendly terms.

The kindred of the parents or the circle of relatives plays an extremely important role in the growing up and socialization
of the child. Kaut (1965) calls this form of grouping that occurs freely, according to the will and tastes of the individual,
the “principle of contingency” and explains it as follows:

“It is my hypothesis that social groupings—not social groups in the sense defined above—are constantly changing their
boundaries and dimensions in Tagalog society as successful, unsuccessful, and accidental activation of modes of
interaction create, strengthen, or weaken social bonds of obligation. Kinship and descent act mostly as points of
departure rather than eliminating strictures”.

Another important factor in the development and social relations of the Filipino child is the ritual kinship called the
compadre system. This is a system of establishing ritual parent-child relations as godparent-godchild through the
baptism ceremony of the Roman Catholic religion. When a child is to be baptized, the parents ask Catholic relatives or
friends to become the child’s godparents, regardless of marital status, since it is not required that godparents be
married. I have been asked by friends on several occasions to become godparent, even though they know I’m not a
Catholic.

In the Philippines, the religious significance of establishing a ritual parent is to have someone to assume the role of
guardian, to provide guidance so that the child will grow up to be a devout Catholic. The godchild (inaanak) is supposed
to show the godfather (ninong) and godmother (ninang) the same respect and obedience that he must show to his
parents, and the godparents are expected to provide guidance and care, particularly in matters of religion. Actually,
however, secular and social responsibilities seem to outweigh religious duties. For example, the godparents are
expected to buy the godchild clothes for the baptism and to provide remuneration to the church and other
congratulatory gifts. The godparents also continue to give gifts, such as at Christmas, and continue to look after the child
in various ways.

The compadre system was established for the better development of the child and it plays a certain role, but actually it
is the relationship between the godparents and the biological parents, centering on the child that is more important.
The compadre system functions as a way of making more formal bond of a close friendship, or of drawing distant
relatives closer together, in other words, of making certain close relations even closer. The godparents and biological
parents call each other kumpare, in the case of men, and kumare, in the case of women, and maintain an extremely
close association in various aspects of daily life. They constantly provide mutual assistance, such as helping each other in
farm work, lending each other commodities, and sharing food. When a compadre relationship is formed between two
families of different socio-economic statuses, it works to establish or strengthen the so-called patron-client relationship.

Furthermore, although their social significance is not as great as that of the godparents at the time of baptism, the
sponsors or witnesses at the confirmation and wedding ceremonies also form ritual parent-child relations with the child
and are also called ninong, ninang, kumpare, and kumare. The godparents at the baptism are not restricted to one
couple, and other “godparent” figures may be chosen separately for the confirmation and wedding. The child thus has
not only the relatives and neighbors but also the godparents in the compadre system with whom he has close
relationships. The parents will be able to have at least three sets of “godparents” for one child (at baptism, confirmation
and wedding) and can choose different sets of “godparents” for each child, and will thus be able to form ritual kindred
relations with a large number of people. These ritual kinsfolk combine with the actual relatives, who are numerous to
begin with, to make kindred relations in Filipino society unimaginably complex and intricate.

The socialization process of Filipino children growing up in such open, complicated and diverse relationships may be
summarized as a process of learning the art and behavior patterns of maintaining, strengthening and extending these
relationships. In the Philippines, as compared with Japan, the formation of groups based on ba, that is, a situational
position in a given frame (see Nakane 1970), is not so strong, and the individual’s personal kindred, or various circles or
networks of people formed by dyadic relations, have an important function in social life. As Lynch (1973) emphasizes:

“Every individual has a social universe which is distinctively his own, constantly changing in size and content, its
members playing various and often multiple role in this regard. Each such role promises, in the abstract, more or less
support to the central figure, and is empowered to demand in return a greater or smaller share of his loyalty and
energies. One is surrounded at every moment, in other words, by people who are potentially or in fact his allies, people
he can count on to a greater or smaller degree”.

The importance of Filipino social life as well as the socialization process of children in the Philippines therefore lies in
the awareness of each person that he or she is situated in interwoven diverse human relations, and particularly in the
awareness that each dyadic relation must be maintained always in good terms, so that the individual can depend on it
when the need arises. These relations are not fixed and unchanging once they are established, and the bond may break
naturally unless the social distance of the two persons is constantly narrowed.

Such behavior patterns as pakikisama (concession, giving in, following the lead or suggestion of others), euphemism, the
use of go-betweens, and utang na loob (a debt inside oneself) (sic) are indispensable methods of realizing “smooth
interpersonal relations.” For behavior that departs from these accepted norms, the concept of hiya (the uncomfortable
feeling that accompanies awareness of being in a socially unacceptable position, or performing a socially unacceptable
action) acts as inhibitory force.