send in the clowns

written by
Moses Hershberger

“Laugh, Pagliaccio,
At your broken love!
Laugh at the grief that poisons your heart!”
- Canio, Pagliacci
 BLACK SCREEN:

WOMAN’S VOICE (V.O.)

Okay, everyone. We’re going to get
started.

FADE IN:

INT. GYM – CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY CENTER - NIGHT

It’s just a regular basketball court. All the benches have been
folded and stored in the walls. CAMERA TRACKS AWAY from DOCTOR
SARA NICHOLS (mid-30s. Beautiful. Tired. Strong). She is sitting
in her chair with a notebook and pen in her hand. This isn’t her
first rodeo.

DOCTOR NICHOLS
I’m sorry that we’re going to have
a short meeting. The people in the
office told me they’re having some
construction coming to repair the
basketball floor. And almost every
classroom has a P.T.A meeting. So,
I am sorry for that. Okay. My name
is Sara Nichols or you can call me
Dr. Nichols; you can call me Sara.
(pause)
If you can tell me your name, what
you do, and what brought you here.
That would be helpful. So... okay?

Arranged in a circle, we reveal who is sitting in each chair:

THE PLAYERS

BOZO – 43. Wears a colorful baggy suit with big orange buttons.
A bright bowtie. Red clown nose. Big white gloves. Frizzy tufts
of red hair on either side of his white head and a red lipstick
painted over his thin lips.

SLAPPY – 40. Long fizzy orange hair that falls to the side. Red
dot painted on his nose. Tiny hat with a big yellow sticking out
and a baggy red and blue striped shirt with oversized shoes.

CHUCKLES – 46. Neon green afro-hair. Red tie. Brightly colored

plaid jacket. Red clown nose attached to thick glasses and big
clown-smile painted over his mouth.
BUTTONS – 51. Red clown nose. Bowler hat. French sailor shirt.
Auguste face (pink-ish colored face with the mouth that is
thickly outlined in white paint). Dressed in suit way too small
for him. Bold colored suspenders.

LOLLYPOP – 39. Woman. Bright, candy-colored spotted pants with

sparkly pink overalls. Medium-cut aqua blue hair. Oversized blue
and yellow bow tie, red and white striped stockings.

BOZO
Hello. My name is Bozo. I’m 43
years old. Wait. Were we supposed
to tell out age?

DOCTOR NICHOLS
Sure. It’s fine.

BOZO
Oh. So, anyway. I’m 43 years old.
I am-- or I was a-- well, I don’t
really know, a professional circus
performer. I did it for, like, 28
years. And what brought me here, I
mean, it’s pretty obvious because
of the brochure...
(pause)
I’ve been feeling suicidal. I was
pretty close to doing it. Had the
pills ready to go, but I couldn’t
bring myself and... so...

DOCTOR NICHOLS
Good. Thank you, Bozo.

Bozo squeezes his nose twice and a loud clown horn blares out.

Thanks for sharing, Dee-Dee. Always lift us. We got finished a

little early. Anybody else feel like sharing? How about you,
Bubs? Haven't heard from you in a while.

Can I smoke? Is it okay?

Umm... I don’t think so. But if you want to, sure.

Thanks.

All the other clowns take out their cigarettes and light them.

Yeah, we’re the veterans. You know for us, it’s a good way to
touch base. Everyone’s on a different schedule.

INSERT

Jack stares at a group of men, including Bob, who are all

listening to a group member speak at a lectern. The SPEAKER

has pale skin and sunken eyes -- he's clearly dying.

SPEAKER

I... wanted three kids. Two boys and

a girl. Mindy wanted two girls and

one boy. We never could agree on

anything.

The Speaker cracks a sad smile. Some men chuckle, happy to

lighten the mood.

SPEAKER

Well, she had her first child a month

ago, a girl, with her new husband...

And, Thank God. I'm glad for her,

because she deserves...

The speaker breaks down, WEEPS UNCONTROLLABLY.

Jack watches. A couple of the men go up to the speaker,

comforting him, leading him away. A LEADER takes the stand.

LEADER

Everyone, let's thank Thomas for

sharing himself with us.

Jack, uncomfortable, joins EVERYONE ELSE:

INSERT

SAM

She, uh, she visits me sometimes.

In dreams. And she tells me it’s

okay. And she’s with God.

He checks in with his wife. Then continues.

SAM

And we have good days. Then you

think that if you have enough good

days it might actually get better.

But then...

Several of the other parents nod with recognition. Becca,

however, actually looks annoyed. She looks to Howie and

rolls her eyes a little.

SAM

It was her anniversary last week.

ANA

A year last Tuesday.

SAM

And it just starts all over again.

We just have to remind each other

that it was just part of God’s

plan. And we can’t know why. Only

God can know why.

ANA

God had to take her. He needed

another angel.

SAM

He needed another
Couples mill about drinking coffee, waiting for the meeting

to begin. Becca and Howie steel themselves as another couple

approaches. GABBY is attractive. KEVIN seems tired. They

both make Becca uncomfortable.

HOWIE

Good.

BECCA

Yeah, good. Hanging in there.

INT. MEETING HALL - LATER THAT NIGHT

The meeting is in full swing. A grieving father, SAM, is

speaking to the group in a very heartfelt manner. His wife

(ANA) holds his hand throughout.

BECCA

(beat)

Why didn’t he just make one?

Silence. They all turn to Becca, confused.

BECCA

Another angel. I mean, he’s God

after all. Why didn’t he just make

another angel?

She is met with stunned silence - a mix of confusion and

offense. Even Howie is taken aback by her outburst. Gabby

notices Kevin smirking a little.

15.

BECCA

Just putting it out there...

But no one responds. Becca leaves over to Howie and

whispers...

who makes clowns laugh?

It’s kinda fucked up that we’re having this session with a

Christian church, let alone a community church.

So I find comfort with the KKK.

The KKK? Like the actually KKK?

No.

Who’s the KKK?

They’re whores. Knic-Knac, KoKo and Kornflake. Yeah, every time

I go to the ranch, the owner rings them up for me.
INSERT

What meds are you on?

PAT

Me? None. I used to be on Lithium

and Seroquel and Abilify, but I

don't take them anymore, no. They

make me foggy and they also make me

bloated.

TIFFANY

Yeah, I was on Xanax and Effexor,

but I agree, I wasn’t as sharp, so

I stopped.

45.

PAT

You ever take Klonopin?

TIFFANY

Klonopin? (Chuckling) Yeah.

PAT

Right?

TIFFANY

Jesus.
PAT

It’s like, “What? What day is it?”

How about Trazodone?

TIFFANY

Trazodone!

TIFFANY LAUGHS

PAT

Oh, it flattens you out. I mean,

you are done. It takes the light

right out of your eyes.

TIFFANY

God, I bet it does.

VERONICA AND RONNIE FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. TIFFANY STANDS UP.

INSERT

This job... I fucking love this job. More than sex, more than
masturbating, more than shooting up, I get off on making people
laugh.

I have a brief moment in which I realize... I exist. And I’m

aware of it. That one little moment gets me out of bed. But when
the show’s over, that’s all I have going for me.

A man said to the universe:

“Sir, I exist!”
“However,” replied the universe,

“The fact has not created in me

A sense of obligation.”

I’m going through hell.

Depression isn’t just “Oh, my dog died. I’m sad.” Or “I’m 29

years old and still working at Little Caesar’s. Fuck! What am I
doing with my life?” Or “My sex life is shot to shit because my
cock prefers to be softer than frozen yogurt when I see a pair
of luscious tits.” I mean, all that is just you being an
asshole. My version of depression is when life and everything in
it is going stupendous. Life is good. Life is perfect.

Jesus Christ. How fucking agonizing is that, huh?

There’s nothing to balance it. You have to have something

negative counter the positive, otherwise... what the fuck, man?
You know these big picture questions, like, “What’s the point?
What reasons do I have to get out of bed? Why should I be happy
if some kid in Africa goes to bed with maggots chewing on his
head?” They’re not million dollar questions we’re talking about
here.

Well, I’ll be damned?! What a purposeful bitch you are.

I grew up with eleven brothers and sisters. I was the baby of
the group.

She has the clown car vagina.

That’s probably where it started for me.

INSERT

It’s that voice inside your head. It’s that sneaky, rat-bastard,
You know what I'm talking about. That voice that tells you
you're not good enough. Not good enough for what? Not good
enough to be what president of the United States? Well, okay, so
maybe you're not that good. But now are you good enough to dese
your share of basic human happiness? Are you good enough to be
okay with who and what you are? I say yes. But it doesn't matter
what I say. It's your voice, which means you're the one that
hears it. Which means you're the only one that can fight it,
right? Jesse, we never hear from you. What's going on? You can
tell me I'm full of shit. It's okay, I don't mind. Just come on.
Let us in on it.

So, like, what makes you the expert?

I don't think I ever said I was that.

Yeah, but you're the one sitting here, right? Telling us "thus"
and "so, be happy," "forgive yourself," blah, blah, blah. Have
you ever really hurt anybody? I don't just mean disappointed
your mother or whatever but did you ever really hurt someone?

I killed my daughter. It was July 18th, which is my birthday.

July 18th, 1992. I was high on cocaine and I was drunk. Cocaine
wasn't an issue. I had bought myself two grams as a birthday
present. I had plenty left. But I was out of vodka. And this is
in Portsmouth, Virginia where instead of selling liquor in the
supermarkets they have these ABC stores which close at 5 p.m.,
and right then it was like 4:42. So I'm arguing with my wife.
"Come on. Go to the ABC for me, it's my birthday. Come on.
They're not gonna sell it to me". And she's saying "No, no." So
I'm pissed. And the clock is ticking, so I jump in my truck.
She's my 6-year-old daughter. She's playing at the end of the
driveway.

How do you not hate yourself?

I did hate myself for a long time. But it didn't stop me from
drinking and getting high. It just made it that much worse.
Self-hatred, guilt, it accomplishes nothing. It just stands in
the way. Stands in the way of what? True change.

INSERT

So the truth is we can't change the past. What's done is done.

We've got to own our actions, but putting ourselves on trial,
acting as our own judge, jury, and executioner, it's not the
answer because a lot of the time all that judging does is just
ensure that we're going to repeat the cycle. Right. "I'm such an
asshole." "It's totally hopeless." "What's the point?" "I think
I'll have a hit." Jesse. What's going on with you these days?

I went back to the crystal.

You sober now?

Yeah.

Four days. Big whoop, right?

Four days is four days. You're here. You still working at the
laundry? How are things there?

Sucks ass. Anything you want to talk about?

Uh a couple of weeks back I, uh killed a dog. You hit it with

your car? No, um I put him down. I watched him go. I was looking
him straight in the eye and you know, he didn't know what was
happening. He didn't know why. He- He was just scared, and then
he was gone.

He was suffering. It was a kindness.

No, he wasn't sick. No, he was just, like a I don't know, like a
problem dog.
What did he do? Bite someone?

Uh, this dog never- never bit anybody. He was, uh

You pick up the rock, you go right to the dark side. Anything
can happen.

It ain't no rock that made me do it.

Well, what was the problem? Why did you have to kill him?

Watch the cross-talk, please. Maybe it's not the details that
matter. Right? How'd you feel about what you did, Jesse?

I don't know.

Who cares how you feel? What kind of a person kills a dog for no
reason?

Colleen.

You put an ad in the paper. You drop him off at a shelter.

Colleen

You just don't sit there and talk about killing a helpless
innocent animal.

Colleen.

We're not here to sit in judgment.

Why not? Why not? Maybe- Maybe she's right. You know, maybe I
should have put it in the paper. Maybe I should have done
something different. The thing is, if you just do stuff and
nothing happens what's it all mean? What's the point? All right,
this whole thing is about self-acceptance.

Kicking the hell out of yourself doesn't give meaning to

anything.

So I should stop judging - and accept!

It's a start.

So, no matter what I do, hooray for me because I'm a great guy?
It's all good? No matter how many dogs I kill, I just what, do
an inventory and accept? I mean, you back your truck over your
own kid and you, like, accept? What a load of crap!

Hey, Jesse, I know you're in pain.

No, y-you know what? Why I'm here in the first place? Is to sell
you meth. You're nothing to me but customers! I made you my
bitch. You okay with that? Huh? You accept?

No.

About time.

INSERT

All right, look, man, I'm cashing in. I'm done. I'm 40 shit
years old,

LOLLIPOP
See, when you’ve got nothing or
nobody, that’s okay because down
the road, something else might
come your way. Maybe. But when you
don't want anything, when you
don't want anybody, when you don’t
want, just in general, that's...
not good. It’s bad. And it hurts.
It hurts.

I tried writing erotic fiction.

Yeah. I bet you did.

Yeah, especially in show business.

Clowns are complicated and hostile
and way too fucking emotional. So,
it’s not easy. It’s an inferiority
complex, and not very good ones...

You’d have to be really low to

steal from a midget.
 I think that joke fell a bit short.

I mean, like suffering is one thing or not having is one thing

but when you just don't care anymore? You know, I've gone soft
in the last three pussies I've been in. You get to a point where
you go, maybe it's time to just put a period at the end of my--
Whatever this was.

So you're gonna quit comedy?

How dense are you? Comedy? Who gives a shit about comedy, man?

Well, then, what are you talking about?

My life! I'm going to end it. I went to a doctor-

Listen to me. I went to a doctor, and I'm just trying to get a

scrip for Ambien, and I'm-- I'm bullshitting the guy, the whole
fear of flying nonsense, like I've ever been on a plane in my
career, and the doctor gets this look on his face like he knows,
like he's gonna chuck me out of the office. All of a sudden he
gives me these. It's "phenomedrine."

What is it?

He tells me, only take one of these a week. It's like the
strongest, most dangerous shit this side of Bangkok. He tells
me, "Do not take more than one. Two of these'll stop your
heart."

A doctor gave you those?

Yeah, it made no sense at first. I mean, look at me. You take

one look at me, you're gonna give me these with a verbal
warning? Why would he do that? Because he took one look at me
and he realized that's the only prescription that's gonna
improve my life, is death.

Jesus Christ, Eddie.

No, the guy's right. The guy probably deserves a Nobel Prize and
I don't need a second opinion. I'm going to Maine, I'm gonna do
my show, get a lobster roll, maybe, get a motel room and then
throw three of these things down my head with some cognac.

Why are you here telling me this right now?

You know- I don't know. I guess I just wanted to say goodbye to
someone. You know, if I leave a note, it's just gonna get burned
with my clothes, so I figured you for the one guy that I could
say adios to.

Eddie, this is bullshit. You can't kill yourself.

Oh, yes, I can. I have a note from a doctor.

I don't give a shit what that guy said, you can't do that.

And why can't I do that?

Because!

Louie, look me in the eye and tell me I have one good reason to
live.

No.

See, you got nothing.

No, no, I'm not-- I'm not playing that, I'm not doing it.

What do you mean?

I mean I mean, ( bleep ) you, man. I got my reasons to live, I

worked hard to figure out what they are. I'm not just handing
them to you. Okay, you want a reason to live? Have a drink of
water and get some sleep, wake up in the morning and try again
like everybody else does.

Yeah, I get it, a tough-love fix-

No, no love, okay? More like tough-- Not giving a shit anymore,
Eddie. If you want to-- If you want to tap out 'Cause your life
is shit-- You know what? It's not your life, it's life. It's--
Life is bigger than you, if you can imagine that. Life isn't
something that you possess. It's something that you take part in
and you witness. You are-

You are so excited right now that you get to give the big
speech. You would love to be the guy that talks this loser, who
you never think about, out of suicide so you could feel better
about yourself. This is not about you, Louie. It's just me
saying goodbye. It was nice to know you when I knew you.
Listen, man, I haven't seen you in 20 years. And you're right, I
don't think much about you. I hope you don't kill yourself. I
really do. But I gotta go home.

INSERT

The dog looked up at me and asked, “Who’s gonna take care of

me?” the dogs keep me here.

INSERT

You know how that goes, right? Gave myself all these little
rules about what I wouldn't do. Like, I told myself I'd do a lot
of shit to get high, but I swore I wouldn't never trick. So,
after I'm trickin' I thought, "This ain't so bad. I'll do this
for a while" except I'll make some more rules for myself, like
"I'm gonna use condoms, and I'm never gonna go" with more than
one guy at the same time," and Well, let's just say there are
certain things I told myself I wouldn't never do. You know what
my disease did to my rules, right? Yeah. Whatever it is you tell
yourself you won't do to get high, you're pretty much making a
list of everything you will do as soon as your inner addict
tells you to. I mean, that bitch wants to kill me. She does.
Even on my way here today, she was telling me not to come. She
was tellin' me that I was all right on the street, that it was
all good. I'm about done. I want to thank you all for letting me
share.

Thanks for sharing, Dee-Dee. Always lift us. We got finished a

little early. Anybody else feel like sharing? How about you,
Bubs? Haven't heard from you in a while.

Get up there! Come on, Bubs. All right, Bubbles.

Hi - You know who I am.

Hey, Bubs.

What's up, Bubbles?

I'm a grateful addict. Been clean 15 months Thursday. This is
the longest I been off.

Yeah. I used to love to get high. Got to the point-- You know,
I'm not in the right place to talk about this right now.

Keep comin' back, Bubs.

Thanks, Bubs. Thanks for sharing. Is there anybody else with a

burning desire to share?

INSERT

One kid thought every time I vomit, I threw up the rainbow. That
got to me.

INSERT

BUTTONS
But no matter what happens, and I
think we can all agree on this...
“The show must go on.”

LOLLIPOP
The show must go on.

SLAPPY
The show must go on.

CHUCKLES
The show must go on.

BOZO
The show must go on.

Long pause.

DOCTOR NICHOLS
Thank you for sharing, guys.
Insert

the end