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Introduction

Conflict is an unavoidable fact of human life. Conflict can be internal, external,

situational, and/or perpetual. The more a person identifies with the stakes of the conflict the

more emotionally terrifying the situation becomes. In those moments many simply do not know

how to deal with the task of overcoming the conflict and moving forward in their relationships.

This issue will be addressed with specific emphasis on personal relationships such as friendship,

marriage, and family.

In order to provide a clear analysis of how to surmount the fear of approaching conflict,

and to do so effectively, a case study in the form of fictional situations discovered in the novel

Belong to Me will be provided. This novel provides the opportunity to address how to begin and

effectively execute a particularly stressful difficult conversation, it provides a view into a

particularly successful marriage and gives the opportunity to demonstrate the difference between

perpetual and solvable problems within that marriage, and lastly the novel looks into the benefits

and pitfalls of the new modern family.

To approach all of this information efficiently a summary of the novel and the key events

of focus will be provided. This will be followed by an analysis of Event One in respect to why

difficult conversations are problematic to engage in and then suggestions for how Event One

could have been approached differently. As a lead in to Event Two there will be a discussion

about what specific attributes and actions signify a healthy marriage and how the participants of

Event Two fall into this category. This will follow with an analysis of the impact of Event Two

upon the case study characters and provide key questions to ask when determining if the problem

they face is perpetual or solvable. In turn suggestions for how deal with Event Two will ensue.

Finally, this paper will discuss the positive steps taken by all involved in the case study of
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Belong to Me in order to incorporate a healthy environment in their modern family

demonstrating that even extremely tense situations can have a positive outcome when conflict is

addressed versus avoided.

Summary

In the novel Belong to Me the relational connections of suburbia, such as marriage,

friendship, and family are brought to the forefront for analysis. Cornelia was a small town girl

who married her childhood friend. They had a great life in the city, but after 8 years Cornelia

has the urge to move back to suburbia to raise a family. Her husband Teo is more than willing to

make this journey with her. However the pull of suburbia loses much of its charm as Cornelia

fails to impress the ringleader of the suburban housewives. Then Cornelia meets Lake, who

arrived in town shortly after Teo and Cornelia, and her life starts to change in ways that she

could never have imagined. Lake introduces Cornelia to her son Dev. Lake and Cornelia grow

closer after this, but when Cornelia tells Lake the news that she is pregnant, with her child

Penny, something within Lake seems to shift before Cornelia’s eyes. As time goes by Lake

continues to push Dev closer to Teo and Cornelia while withdrawing herself from the situation.

Cornelia is hurt and confused by the circumstances, but does not press Lake. As the novel

progresses the reader starts to realize that Lake is withholding something from her son, from

Cornelia, and from Teo. Then the issue being repressed by Lake becomes too complicated to

remain hidden and Dev, Cornelia, and Teo find out that 14 year old Dev is Teo’s son.

To appropriately address the nuances of this conflict it will be broken into Event One and

Event Two. Event One is Lake’s decision to not engage in the difficult conversation of telling

Dev, Cornelia, and Teo her real reason for coming to town. Event Two is the conflict that arises
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between Cornelia and Teo once this information is discovered. After analyzing these two events

a discussion of the modern family and its conflicts will follow.

Event One

In order to provide reflection upon Event One this paper will reference Difficult

Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most written by members of the Harvard

Negotiation Project: Stone et al. To start, the authors state that in every difficult conversation

that has, or has not, been brought up there is the What Happened Conversation, the Identity

Conversation, and the Feelings Conversation (Stone, 1999). In Lake’s case these conversations

are internal versus external. In her mind she is going over what happened which is; she got

pregnant by a man that she broke up with and then decided to not tell him, nor her son, once Dev

was born. Now 14 years later she is raising an extremely gifted child and thinks he may need

funding for an education that she cannot afford on her own. She alone has to face the idea of

delivering news that will change three lives around her. As she gets to know and like Cornelia

the decision to speak up becomes even harder.

This predicament is common across all types of situations. When delivering bad news,

people can get stuck in the cycle of trying to figure out a way to relay the sensitive information

without hurting anyone’s feelings. When no solution comes to mind, avoidance of the issue

continues, while internal tension grows. In relation to this dilemma Stone et al explain:

Delivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade. Coated with

sugar, thrown hard or soft, a hand grenade is still going to do damage…and

keeping it to yourself is no better. Choosing not to deliver a difficult message is

like hanging onto a hand grenade once you’ve pulled the pin (1999, pp. xvii-

xviii).
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This metaphor is used to help one understand that there is a trap in thinking there is a

perfect way to address a conflict so that no one will hurt. In most cases, someone is

already hurt, that is why there is a conflict. While Lake is going around in her mind

trying to find a way out of the situation, she is failing to see that the conflict already

exists within her and she cannot walk away from herself. How Lake perceives the issue

is stopping her from taking the necessary steps toward engaging in conversation with her

loved ones.

This means that there is nothing that Lake can do to make the conflict and pain disappear.

By considering only action, a person can fail to realize that “at heart the problem isn’t in your

actions, it’s in your thinking” (Stone, 1999, p. xx). Stone et al. would suggest a “shift from a

‘message delivery’ stance to a ‘learning’ stance” (1999, p. xx). This means Lake can stop

worrying about the perfect solution and can instead focus on learning what Dev, Cornelia, and

Teo are thinking after the news has been delivered. However, to reach a full understanding of

the complexity of the situation it is necessary to look deeper than just the What Happened

Conversation. The next crucial factor is the Feelings Conversation.

Feelings can be powerful indicators and when left unaddressed there can be negative

consequences. If Lake were calm then that would indicate a situation that poses little threat to

her sense of well-being. However, there is conflict inside her and Lake knows this because she

is feeling reluctant to broach the conversation. The longer she waits the more powerful her

feelings become. Reluctance mixes with resentment and this with dread and that dread comes

from a sense of fear. By holding these feelings within, Lake is slowly poisoning her sense of

worth, because “when important feelings remain unexpressed, you may experience a loss of self-

esteem” (Stone, 1999, p. 90). It becomes evident that Lake is experiencing this turmoil when she
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starts distancing herself from Cornelia and then pushing away the man she is falling in love with

who is also unaware of her real reasons for coming to Willow Street. As Lake continues to avoid

the conflict within her she is starting to believe she is not worthy of continued respect and love.

In concern to Lake and to all people facing this roadblock, a good message to remember

is this: “No matter who we are, no matter how high and mighty we fancy ourselves, or how low

and unworthy we may feel, we all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity” (Stone, 1999,

p. 186). This means it is important to understand that although Lake may think she is not worthy

of love and respect, she is. It is essential to remember that all humans are flawed. At some point

in their lives, every person will make a mistake, perhaps even a colossal mistake, that will hurt

someone they care about. For Lake to accept this, would mean accepting her feelings about the

situation, accepting the pain of her loved ones, and realizing that neither her feelings, nor theirs

should be denied the outlet of conversation. Once discovering the myriad of feelings

experienced during a conflict, it is important to determine why that particular conflict triggered

those specific emotions through the Identity Conversation.

The question of what happened is an external stimulus while the question of why it

mattered is usually tied to internal identity. Any one person can react to the same stimulus in a

myriad of ways. Another person may not find it hard to confront the topic at hand, but Lake is

deeply conflicted. Why? Usually this confliction is in direct relation to a person’s perceived

identity, because “our anxiety results not just from having to face the other person, but from

having to face ourselves” (Stone 1999, pp. 111-112). While the number of potential identities

are infinite, Stone et al assert that, “Three identity issues seem particularly common, and often

underlie what concerns us most during difficult conversations: Am I competent? Am I a good

person? Am I worthy of love?” (1999, p. 112). All of these concerns are prevalent for Lake.
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The reason this conflict is so overwhelming for Lake is because she perceives all three of

the common identities to be at stake. Over the past 14 years she has been making decisions for

Dev and he has seen her as his rock and she knows it. Now she is faced with the realization that

he has been suffering in school and that she may not be able to provide for a better education on

her own. To finally confront Teo with the information about his son would mean coming to

terms with the need to ask him for help and bringing her competence identity into question. Then

there is the fear that when the news is out, she will hurt her son Dev and she will hurt Cornelia.

Lake sees herself as a good mother and her son is her life and his happiness is more important to

her than her own. Thinking of the confusion and pain that her message could cause is horrifying

for Lake. Likewise, she sees herself as a good friend and while her intentions were good (she

wanted to find out the type of family she would potentially be exposing Dev to) the end result

was deception and not the actions of the good person identity. Finally, the most important

identity of all, am I worthy of love? As Lake is already questioning her competence and her

status as a good person her thoughts on being worthy of love are wavering. What if her son, the

most important person in her life, ends up hating her? The fear that Dev will hate her already has

her believing she is not loveable as displayed by her pushing away both the man she loves and

the friendship that she craves with Cornelia.

Lake is caught in an “all-or-nothing” state of mind. Stone et al write, “The biggest factor

that contributes to a vulnerable identity is “all-or-nothing” thinking: I’m either competent or

incompetent, good or evil, worthy of love or not” (1999, p. 114). The fact of the matter is that

everyone is human and, therefore, flawed. People make mistakes. They can be both competent

and have moments of incompetence, be good people and still end up hurting others, and be

worthy of love and still face rejection and disappointment.

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Suggestions

Lake could have approached her internal conflict through a different lens, thus affecting

the likelihood of her ability to approach the task of delivering controversial information to the

people she cares for. It starts with the What Happened Conversation. In reality Lake is

proportioning blame and a lot of that blame is falling back on her. Lake believes she has failed

to provide a stable learning environment for her son and she believes it is her fault that Cornelia

will be destroyed by the news of her husband having a child with another woman. Blame creates

either/or thinking. Lake feels either she is to blame, or she is not. This is simplifying the

situation. It is best to focus on contribution (Stone, 1999). Teo contributed to the situation by

having unprotected sex and then not inquiring about the outcome. The teachers contributed to

the situation by turning Dev into the enemy versus finding ways to encourage his mental

abilities. Lake contributed by not finding Teo, by not telling Dev the truth about his father, and

by befriending Cornelia before explaining the situation to her. Cornelia contributed by not

inquiring into why Lake pulled away. The contribution may not be equal, but no conversation

has a single person to blame nor a single right, or wrong answer. If Lake could coach herself

through the What Happened Conversation, using contribution as her beacon, she can start to

tutor her mindset into seeing the conflict through a broader and more complex scope. Next Lake

needs to confront her feelings.

Lake could be feeling anything from shame to panic over the issue of raising this tough

topic. However, if she continues to push those feelings down, then they will continue to inflict

emotional harm. Lake needs to confront her feelings and accept them for what they are: real.

Whether she admits to them or not, comes to term with them, or not, her feelings will still be

there. Therefore, if Lake accepts her feelings and accepts her right to have them, she can
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continue to move even closer to a healthy and productive mindset capable of managing her

conflict. Lake must realize that she has the right to be sad, scared, confused, unsure, angry, all of

the above and she must realize that it is okay to share those feelings. If she had, in an alternate

universe, confronted Dev, Teo, and Cornelia, before the situation blew up in her face, she would

have had the opportunity to share her uncertainty and her fear and anxiety over departing the

complicated news she had to impart. She could have given them the opportunity to understand

her reasons for reluctance and given them the opportunity to open up in turn with how they felt.

As happened, Lake did not confront her feelings and when the situation came to light, everyone

was too caught up in their own emotions to be able to see where Lake was coming from.

Therefore, in the coaching scenario, it would be wise for Lake to go through her Feelings

Conversation while placing an emphasis upon her entitlement to feel the way she feels and still

deserve respect. Finally Lake needs to have the Identity Conversation.

After Lake has accepted her feelings, she needs to realize where those feelings are

stemming from. This usually has to do with a fear of having an identity put on the table for

attack. Lake should walk herself through the identity questions of: Am I competent?, Am I a

good person?, and Am I loveable? As she asks herself these questions she needs to understand

the vulnerability she feels within each category. Then, and most importantly, she needs to

realize that it is ok to be vulnerable in each category; it is ok to be fallible. Lake must appreciate

the beauty of and thinking; she can both admit to her mistakes and still be a competent person.

She can possibly hurt those she cares about with this information and still be a good person, and

she can accept Dev and Cornelia’s disappointment and still be loveable. Once Lake realizes that

everyone is complex, including herself, she can let go of the burden of always saying and doing

and knowing the right thing and start to simply be. She can accept who she is and what she feels
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and realize her and others’ contributions and simply state what she knows and feels about herself

and then be open to receiving the same information from those around her.

Walking through the entire process of internal conflict through Lake’s eyes is a great way

to understand and utilize the power of the Three Conversations. Now it is time to look at what

conflict arises for Cornelia and Teo after the news of Dev’s heritage is discovered. First it will

be good to analyze the state of Teo and Cornelia’s marriage. Determining if they have a healthy

marriage is important in analyzing how they will be affected by conflict. Marriages with healthy

habits are normally better able to cope with conflict when it arises, because they have a strong

foundation of mutual respect. Therefore, for those wanting to analyze the conflict arising for

Teo and Cornelia in order to apply it to their own marriages, it is necessary to understand how

they are already succeeding within their marriage.

How to Determine a Healthy Marriage

In analyzing the structures of marital conflict, this paper will reflect upon the text The

Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost

Relationship Expert written by John M. Gottman Ph.D. To start, Gottman makes a strong

assertion:

At the heart of my program is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a

deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each

other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are

well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams.

They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in

the big ways but in little ways day in and day out” (1999, pp. 19-20).
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By looking at a couple of quotes from Belong to Me, it is clearly apparent that this is indeed the

type of marriage Teo and Cornelia are a part of. The first sign of their happy marriage occurs

early in the novel. Cornelia is looking around their new neighborhood thinking about how it

looks like home to her when:

‘It looks like home,’ Teo said, and after a mild double take (very mild, since the

man reads my mind with unnerving regularity)…and although we were years and

miles away from that place, that childhood…I could almost see the children we

had been darting through the dusk (Santos, 2008, p. 3).

This statement demonstrates how in sync Cornelia feels with her husband. For her it is just a

matter of course that her husband would read her mind and be able to recall their earliest

childhood memories. This ties in to what Gottman says about emotionally intelligent couples:

“Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s worlds” (1999, p. 48).

A second sign of the stable state of their marriage can be examined through this passage:

“ ‘Whose side are you on?’ I demanded, although of course I knew the answer. Always and in

every way that mattered, mine” (Santos, 2008, p. 11). This statement is especially powerful,

because it reveals that inherently Cornelia feels that she and her husband are in “it” together.

That it is them versus the world. In an unhappy marriage Cornelia would not feel that sense of

“we-ness.” In an unhappy marriage Cornelia would feel isolated from Teo and instead of

internally assuming that of course he has her back, she would be assuming the opposite.

Now for a final question, “Do Cornelia and Teo have shared meaning in their lives?” In

his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Gottman talks extensively about the

importance of shared meaning:

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Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can

also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together

—a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and

goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the

family you have become (1999, pp. 243-244).

A beautiful expression of this sentiment is laid bare when Cornelia tells Teo that she is pregnant

after they have been trying for months:

‘I’m five feet tall,’ I told him. ‘Will you still love me when I’m spherical?’ And

there it was, around his face for maybe half a second, an aurora of gold. ‘Cor,’ he

said. Latin for heart. A nickname he almost never used, one so private, it’s

almost a secret from us, too. ‘I’ve been waiting my whole life to love you when

you’re spherical’ (Santos, 2008, p. 171).

This is an example of shared meaning. During a momentous time in their lives Teo uses a

nickname so special it is known only by the two of them, showing their solidarity in that moment

of not just being Teo and Cornelia, but of being a couple.

By applying the characteristics of happy and healthy marriages, as defined by Dr.

Gottman, to the relationship between Teo and Cornelia it can be clearly shown that they are

experiencing a stable and committed marriage. Now it will be interesting to see how they

respond to each other during an extreme conflict in Event Two. In analyzing Event Two this

paper will discuss how to determine whether the conflict Teo and Cornelia face is perpetual or

solvable and why. This will be followed by suggestions for dealing with marital conflict as a

whole.

Event Two
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The case with perpetual and solvable problems is that they both arise out of personal

perception. Whereas for one couple the issue of how fast the husband drives is something that

can be talked through logically and without much heat, another couple may become gridlocked

and unable to move past it. According to Gottman, this has to do with dreams:

To navigate your way out of gridlock, you have to first understand its cause.

Whether the issue is momentous, like which of your religions to pass on to your

children, or ridiculous, like which way to fold dinner napkins, gridlock is a sign

that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by

each other (1999, p. 217).

Therefore, while one wife may simply be annoyed with her husband’s driving, another wife may

feel like his driving is a sign of aggression and his unwillingness to slow down may actually

mean her dream of being in a relationship that provides calm security is not being realized.

Therefore, the issue is not the driving, it is the lack of a realized dream. So simply put,

perpetual problems are dealing with the subtext of an argument. Any specific argument is just a

reverberation of an unrealized dream as a whole. On the other hand, solvable problems are

situational; they are a case by case basis that normally has a reasonable solution. As Gottman

states, “One way to identify solvable problems is that they seem less painful, gut wrenching, or

intense than perpetual, gridlocked ones” (1999, p. 134). Perpetual problems are a sign of

something deeper; the dream that is not being realized. Therefore, the situation at hand is only

the visible conflict, while the true conflict remains invisible. In most cases, perpetual problems

will exist throughout a marriage and these problems will need to be addressed again and again.

While never truly resolved, couples can learn to integrate them into their relationships and live

with these problems without extreme emotional duress. With the difference between solvable
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and perpetual problems established, it is time to find out which category Teo and Cornelia fall

under.

When Cornelia hears the news, she is shattered. At first this conflict shows the potential

to be a perpetual gridlocked problem. This is what Cornelia thinks and sees:

I focus on his green eyes, and wish upon them the way people wish upon shooting

stars and dandelion clocks. It is not a brave wish. Belong to me, I think. I rest a

finger on the dip in his upper lip, then lift it away. ‘Teo, tell me what all of this

means’ (Santos, 2008, p. 330).

Teo continues to stand in front of Cornelia and his focus is on her, but then Dev loses his

composure and runs out the door:

Dev moves fast toward the door, and that’s when it happens, the thing that,

afterward, I will keep seeing happen: Teo jumping to his feet, turning his back in

his white polo shirt, going after Dev, leaving me gasping and sick. Leaving

Penny (Santos, 2008, p. 331).

These moments demonstrate that Cornelia has a dream of belonging within her relationship. For

her the relationship hinged upon it being her and Teo, and now Penny, against the world. By

realizing that he already had a son with another woman she feels like that dream is being ripped

apart. This inner dilemma is further demonstrated as Cornelia talks to her friend Piper about the

situation of incorporating Dev into her vision of a family:

‘Oh I know I can love Dev. I know that. And I will do whatever needs doing.

I’m talking about happiness. I don’t know if I can be happy with Dev in our lives

as Teo’s son.’…‘It’s just that I had a vision of how my life would be. I’ve had

visions before that never came to pass, and I was better off for getting thrown for
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a loop. But this. It’s hard to let go of my idea of family, just Teo and me and our

little baby’ (Santos, 2008, p. 341).

The fact that Cornelia is willing to work at the problem and work at loving Dev is a good sign,

but her doubts about happiness are not. If she cannot overcome her negative feelings about

losing the dream of family that she had envisioned for herself, then eventually her bitterness will

continue to grow into a perpetual problem in a gridlocked state with no room to maneuver. All

marriages will have perpetual problems that continually recur and resolve. The problem with

gridlock is that there is no ebb in the conflict. The conflict stagnates so that neither party can

feel at peace within the marriage. However, there are key moments that signify that this issue,

though perpetual, will not end in a gridlock for Teo and Cornelia. First she states:

I never see my husband from a distance…Immediacy comprises most of how I

love him. Total immersion…this didn’t change, not as I sat in Penny’s room

searching his face, not through the fifty-six hours of hell I was about to put him

through. I loved him the way I always love him, the whole time (Santos, 2008, p.

336).

This shows that while Cornelia is feeling the distress of having her dream taken away from her,

she still sees Teo as her rock. She still sees him as the one she wants to turn toward. Gottman

writes:

Partners who characteristically turn toward each other rather than away are

putting money in the bank. They are building up emotional savings that can serve

as a cushion when times get rough, when they’re faced with major life stress or

conflict (1999, p. 80).

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It is apparent that Cornelia is indeed drawing upon that emotional bank account and that while

she is devastated, she is not losing faith in her love, respect, and admiration for her husband. The

next demonstrated situation is vital. As the stress of the conflict continues to rise between them,

Teo finally states that he would understand if she wanted to walk away. After hearing this, in the

middle of the night Cornelia wakes up in a panic and runs down to Teo to tell him:

‘You’re not allowed to think I’d leave you. You hear me? Or that I wouldn’t

have married you if I had known. I’m sorry. I love you so much, and still, I made

you feel that way.’ ‘Cor.’ He ran his fingers over my face. ‘I’m sorry, too. I

missed you.’ (Cornelia) ‘I left you alone with everything. But I wont do that

anymore. I promise…I have a new question for you. For both of us.’ ‘Ok.’

‘What are we going to do?’ As soon as I said it, I understood its power, this

single, simple question, and what had frightened me so much was suddenly no

longer a threat. It was something for us to do together, to make a part of us

(Santos, 2008, pp. 347-348).

This essential moment changes everything about how the conflict will be resolved. This is

because Cornelia was able to maintain her dream. She was able to maintain her sense of Teo and

her against the world. This changes the game. Now the issue of Dev is not something that can

potentially destroy Cornelia’s sense of self, instead it is a perpetual issue, but one that her and

Teo are happy to figure out together. They decide they want Dev to be a part of their lives and

that they want him to feel as much a part of the family as possible. They discuss this both with

Dev and with Lake, imploring them both to stay in town and give everyone a chance to forge

together a new sense of family. In the following section of suggestions this paper will address

what Teo and Cornelia did right.

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Suggestions

Event One was an opportunity to explore how conflict management can go wrong. Event

Two gives us the opportunity to examine how conflict management can go right. The first aspect

to approach is how well Teo and Cornelia support one another. This is not some magical

happening that occurs for only a few, it is a choice. When Cornelia talks about her day she

knows that Teo is listening and supporting her. When big moments happen she knows he is

going to be experiencing them and celebrating them with her. More importantly she knows he is

going to remember the little moments. Their shared history is prevalent in both of their minds

and throughout the book they call upon it quickly. They have both chosen to make the other

person an important part of their lives and they actively participate in supporting each other; in

doing so they continue to build mutual respect and admiration. This paper suggests following

the same tactics and viewing love as a verb, an action.

If love is an action then it is something that must be done. A man must actively love his

wife and in order to make that a verb he must do something. So paying attention, asking about

her day, remembering the names of her friends, perhaps bringing flowers home spontaneously,

these are all acts of love and they beget the same in kind. When a woman sees that her man is

actively loving her, she feels respected, admired and cherished and is more likely to then in turn

do the same for him. It does not matter who starts the cycle, it only matters that there does

indeed exist a cycle of actively loving and continuing to build the emotional bank account that

Gottman refers to.

When extreme conflict was introduced to Teo and Cornelia they of course both suffered

from some severe fallout. However, their strong foundation held them together giving them the

fighting chance that couples without an emotional bank account do not have. Therefore, in spite
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of the tough situation they still turned toward each other and came together as a couple to find a

way through the circumstance together. To follow this example is to save a marriage. Even

without a strong foundation if a couple makes the decision to turn toward each other and find a

way through the conflict together, they stand a chance of increasing their sense of we and coming

out of the conflict stronger in their relationship and feelings toward one another.

In so far this paper has discussed difficult conversations through an analysis and

evaluation of Event One. Then a guideline for understanding how a healthy marriage operates

was provided by citing the work of John M. Gottman, PH. D. This was followed by an analysis

of how the case study couple handled their marriage when faced with an extreme conflict in

Event Two. The suggestions that followed encouraged readers to use Event Two as an example

of how conflict can be managed effectively. Now this paper will offer a brief discussion on the

outcome of the particular conflict provided by the case study of Belong to Me: The modern

family.

The Modern Family

For this discussion, reference to The Marriage and Family Experience: Intimate

Relationships in a Changing Society will be provided. The modern family referred to in this

discussion is the non-traditional family, i.e. blended families, or stepfamilies. As the 21st

Century continues to progress, the number of non-traditional families continues to increase.

With them come a host of new insecurities and potential for conflict. A good way to stop the

fight before it begins is to concede that the modern family is not like the traditional family and so

should not be expected to fit into the same mold. Strong et al. of The Marriage and Family

Experience state:
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If we try to make our feelings and relationships in a stepfamily identical to those

of an intact family, we are bound to fail. But if we recognize that the stepfamily

works differently and provides different satisfactions and challenges, we can

appreciate the richness it brings us and have a successful stepfamily (2005, p.

516).

This means it is necessary to approach a stepfamily with a realistic mindset and realize that love

and cohesiveness will not be achieved overnight. This is exemplified in Belong to Me when

Cornelia states, “It is one of the days when we make it look easy, and trust me when I tell you

that we have our hard days, too. Hard weeks. But I’ve found that if you insist on goodwill, if

everyone insists on it together, goodwill comes. I’ve found that love can be a decision.

Forgiveness, too” (Santos, 2008, pp. 385-386). Here we see that after the conflict has settled,

Lake, Dev, Teo, Cornelia, and Penny are all part of a new family and that it requires work, but as

a whole they have decided to choose a collaborative approach versus one of hostility.

One of the recurring issues faced by this new family is the issue of territoriality between

Lake and Teo. For 14 years Lake has raised Dev herself and has had the sole say in how he was

raised. Now that Teo is aware he is a father he wants to be a part of the decision making as well.

As reflected by Stone et al:

A stepfather usually joins an already established single-parent family. He may

find himself having to squeeze into it. The longer a single-parent family has been

functioning, the more difficult is usually is to reorganize it (2005, p. 521).

While Teo has not remarried into the family of Lake and Dev, he has been latently brought into

the established schema just the same. In Belong to Me Cornelia speaks in reference to Lake and

Teo’s new relationship, “She reserves her territoriality, her assertions of parental primacy, for
 19

Teo, who for all his quietude and kindness, can be as fierce as anyone. What saves them every

time, what drives them into truces, compromises, and listening, is Dev” (Santos, 2005, p. 387).

This is great news. It shows that while Teo and Lake are going to be confronted with conflict

again and again, Lake is willing to bring the issue to light versus hiding it in the dark, and both

her and Teo are willing to come together for the shared meaning of Dev. If Lake could be

coached through the processes of the Three Conversations she would be able to bring a strength

and new awareness to her modern family, and if Teo could bring the strengths he has developed

through his marriage to this new family, including Cornelia, then everyone stands a chance at

living full, happy and healthy lives. Lives that will no doubt be full of conflict, but also filled

with resolution, consideration, and respect.

Conclusion

This paper has addressed conflict issues between friends, parent to child, husband to wife,

and in context of the modern family. By first cross-examining Event One, as occurred in the case

study Belong to Me, with Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most written as

part of the Harvard Negotiation Project, one could see the complexity of conflict. It was

demonstrated that there are three conversations present during conflict: The What Happened

Conversation, the Feelings Conversation, and the Identity Conversation. Stress occurs in the

what happened conversation when the focus is an emphasis on fixing the problem versus

understanding it. In the feeling conversation stress arises when feelings are ignored, allowed to

fester, or thought to be unworthy of notice. Finally, stress takes place when the internal identity

conversation is perceived as either/or versus and.

Next this paper provided insight into what constitutes a healthy marriage as defined by

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s
 20

Foremost Relationship Expert written by John M. Gottman, PH.D. It was asserted that healthy

marital couples know each other intimately, are emotionally intelligent, and they have shared

meaning.

Following this definition cross analysis between Event Two as it occurred in Belong to

Me and the work of John M. Gottman clarified the difference between solvable and perpetual

problems. Solvable problems are situational and normally have a reasonable solution. Perpetual

problems are the result of an unrealized dream.

After analyzing Event Two, suggestions were provided for managing marital conflict. It

was encouraged to view love as a verb. This meant actively engaging in activities of affection

and respect. Then the importance of an emotional bank account was emphasized to include

creating an overall sense of we within the marriage.

Finally, the prevalent issues encountered in the modern family as indicated by The

Marriage and Family Experience: Intimate Relationships in a Changing Society were cross-

examined with the similar issues demonstrated in the Belong to Me case study. This exhibited

that the modern family should not be expected to feel like a traditional family and that

territoriality issues are bound to be frequent. It was also emphasized that in spite of

opportunities for conflict, the modern family can be healthy and happy.
 21

Works Cited

Gottman, John, Silver, Nan. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A

Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. New York, New

York: Crown Publishers, Inc.

Santos, de los Marisa. (2008). Belong to Me. New York, New York: HarperCollins Publishers.

Stone, Douglas, Patton, Bruce, Heen, Sheila. Difficult Conversation: How to Discuss What

Matters Most. New York, New York: Penguin Group, Inc.

Strong, Bryan, DeVault, Christine, Cohen, Theodore. (2005). The Marriage and Family

Experience: Intimate Relationships in a Changing Society. Belmont, California:

Thomson Learning, Inc.