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Standard Operating Procedure

Title: How to Perform as a Self-Sufficient Adult


Department/Location: QA/Universe LIFE-GEN-1000
DATE WRITTEN APPROVED REVISION SUPERCEDE
PAGE:
ISSUE: BY: BY: NO: S:
Notorious
11/02/2010 Us 1 01/01/0001 1 OF 4
B.I.G.

1.0 Purpose

1.1 A standard operating procedure for the adults who cannot function in this world without rules or guidelines
to follow.

2.0 Scope and Responsibility

2.1 To describe the processes and behaviors necessary to perform as a self-sufficient adult in today’s world.

2.2 Quality Assurance Personnel are assigned responsibility of determining necessary steps to be taken
throughout a 24 hour period (known as a “day”) in order to be a socially acceptable and worthwhile
contributor to the human race.

2.3 Quality Assurance Personnel will conform to the requirements of the universe to deliver guidelines,
witticisms and tips for generic consumption.

3.0 Equipment and Materials

3.1 Calculator

3.2 This SOP

3.3 Television

3.4 Brain That Functions at a Minimum of 1% Capacity

3.5 Webster’s Dictionary

3.6 Opposable Thumbs

Training and Definitions


Standard Operating Procedure

Title: How to Perform as a Self-Sufficient Adult


Department/Location: QA/Universe LIFE-GEN-1000
DATE WRITTEN APPROVED REVISION SUPERCEDE
PAGE:
ISSUE: BY: BY: NO: S:
Notorious
11/02/2010 Us 1 01/01/0001 2 OF 4
B.I.G.

4.1 Adult – a human being of average intelligence over the age of 18. Should also be gainfully employed and
able to hold a pencil for longer than 10 seconds.

4.2 Training in the basic concepts of hygiene, morals, social relationships, the alphabet and numerals are
provided by the free television program Sesame Street. This training is reiterated in kindergarten.

4.3 Parental units should provide additional moral and social concepts of “Sharing Makes the World Go
Round”, “Don’t Touch That Stove, It’s Hot”, “Electricity and Metal Don’t Go Together So Good”, “Don’t
Drag Your Sibling’s Face Through the Grass” and “Keep Your Mouth Shut in the Store Because No One
Likes a Screaming Child”.

5.0 Policy or Procedure

5.1 Starting the Day –


5.1.1 Wake out of slumber. (an invention called an “alarm clock” will help you in this task)
5.1.2 Wash your ass using water and a surfactant with a pleasant odor.
5.1.3 Brush your teeth using an abrasive, minty paste. Don’t forget to brush your tongue.
5.1.4 Get dressed in appropriate clothes. (no skin-tight flesh tone velour pants allowed)
5.1.5 Eat a hearty breakfast involving bacon.
5.1.6 Get in the car and drive to work while obeying all traffic laws.
5.1.7 Arrive 5 minutes before your scheduled time.

5.2 During the Work Day –


5.2.1 Don’t ask so many questions.
5.2.2 Use common sense if it is available.
5.2.3 Utilize online search engines or calculators to find solutions to your problems before
bothering other people.
5.2.4 No one wants to hear your problems because they have their own. Pay for a
therapist/counselor if you have so many problems that you can’t wash them away with a
good jigger of vodka.
5.2.5 Eat your lunch quietly. (never microwave fish)

5.3 Ending Your Day -


Standard Operating Procedure

Title: How to Perform as a Self-Sufficient Adult


Department/Location: QA/Universe LIFE-GEN-1000
DATE WRITTEN APPROVED REVISION SUPERCEDE
PAGE:
ISSUE: BY: BY: NO: S:
Notorious
11/02/2010 Us 1 01/01/0001 3 OF 4
B.I.G.

5.3.1 Drive home obeying all traffic laws.


5.3.2 Eat a hearty dinner involving bacon.
5.3.3 Refresh universal social concepts by watching the television, preferably programs that
are educational, ironically humorous, or starring Betty White.
5.3.4 Go to sleep at a reasonable hour so you won’t oversleep the next day.

5.4 Tips on Safe Walking.


5.4.1 When crossing a street or walking near traffic, remember Sesame Street. Stop, Look and Listen.
Look left, then right, then left again. Proceed if not in imminent danger.
5.4.2 Walking around a building or through a parking lot should never be considered a safety hazard.

5.5 How to drive without getting shot or otherwise murdered by drivers who have someplace to be other than
behind you.
5.5.1 Green means go. Green means GO!!!
5.5.2 Traffic lights are designed to allow multiple vehicles through an intersection during a single green
light session.
5.5.3 When you find yourself in a “turn only” lane you are committed to taking that turn, you are never
allowed to go straight from a turn only lane this is dangerous and will get you killed, either by
accident or by the person you inevitably cut off.

6.0 References

6.1 Kindergarten

6.2 Mom & Dad

6.3 Sesame Street

6.4 Isaac Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics

6.5 Grammar and Spelling from Grades 1-9


Standard Operating Procedure

Title: How to Perform as a Self-Sufficient Adult


Department/Location: QA/Universe LIFE-GEN-1000
DATE WRITTEN APPROVED REVISION SUPERCEDE
PAGE:
ISSUE: BY: BY: NO: S:
Notorious
11/02/2010 Us 1 01/01/0001 4 OF 4
B.I.G.

6.6 The Proverbs of CKC

7.0 Revisions and Review

7.1 Formatted and revised 11/02/10

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