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What I’ll always remember most was his sense of humor. For whatever reason,
we were on the same wavelength. I have never met anyone else who seemed to care as
much about me. He was such a good, nice, decent guy, one of those you didn’t care to
bring home. He made me feel like I was the greatest thing in the world. I still find myself
drifting back to thoughts of him, even after 15 years. It doesn’t seem like it should have
been that long ago. When I hear that song on the radio, I go back to him in my mind. I
will always have him with me, and he will always be alive inside my heart. It is so
special when you find someone who shares all the laughs with you and understands you
totally. We had so much fun. We laughed and laughed, laughed ‘til we’d cry; until that
—Sharon, 37
mostly in emergency room settings, with people contemplating suicide. The stories and
methods shared many similarities. Some only considered suicide passively, but really
wanted to make the inner pain stop. Others, more actively suicidal, had given up all hope
that things would improve. They struggled with this issue for a long time, from months
to years.
© 2010 / JHarwood 1
When the time came to act on the plan, three typical characteristics emerged:
2) The presence of suicide notes, written not to cause additional pain, but to
explain in advance for the pain and suffering their families would experience;
3) A lack of apology for the act, as they saw it as the best solution, and
The purpose of this book is to help normalize the reactions of those left behind, to
help understand what the person may have been going through, and to offer hope for
Grief is a normal reaction when we suffer a loss. Most people go through the
process of grief in stages. According to Elisabeth Kubler Ross, the author of On Death
and Dying and a pioneer in the field of the process of dying, five stages of grief exist:
denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. However, when a person commits
suicide, other emotions and reactions emerge from loved ones that many consider
abnormal.
Many survivors struggle with why their loved one chose suicide as an option.
While the reasons vary, some common reasons “why” may include mental health or
health issues, unresolved past issues, or their own inability to cope with grief over their
own losses. One woman I worked with, Jill, thought her husband was progressing nicely
in his recovery from addiction. She perceived his kindness the final few weeks before his
© 2010 / JHarwood 2
suicide as an attempt to repair their relationship. It never dawned on her, she said, that he
was preparing for his death. She could not understand how he was unable to release his
past and move on. “After all, he has been sober for 19 months,” she said. Why, then,
Another day, Sam called to inform me of the suicide of his son and my client,
Matt. I could hear the shock in Sam’s shaking voice as he described what occurred that
day. Matt had left the relationship with which he was struggling, and his daughter told
him the night before she forgave him. The way Sam saw it, his son experienced events
that provide happiness; after all, things just worked out in a most positive way. However,
Sam failed to understand the level of grief Matt was moving through. The new beginning
Sam mistakenly perceived was, in fact, his son’s process of saying goodbye.
Whatever the reason, we may never specify why someone deemed suicide the
only viable act. However, we get somewhere when we ask, “What type of thoughts and
feelings may have led someone to consider and carry out with suicide?”
Throughout this book, I incorporate excerpts from my past clients to offer insights
into the minds of some who have attempted suicide. This will help us enter the world of
despair of our loved ones, not to condone their actions, but to begin to understand and,
“If it were not for my family right now, I would probably die. I wish I were out of
this. I love my family so much. I don’t want to hurt them. I feel so bad inside right now.
Why now? I have to be able to function well right now for work, but I am barely
functioning at all. Susanne said I scared her because I don’t invest anything in me.
Maybe she is right. The hell I am walking through right now is unbearable. My
© 2010 / JHarwood 3
existence hurts. I am always going to be alone with my thoughts. Scary. How can I
This woman is struggling with her despair and attempts to find a way out, and the
reality of what her family will ultimately go through. The confusion, anguish, and
confounded state she finds herself in only increased her despair, increased her need to
escape.
A 2000 National Vital Statistics Reports report by S.L. Murphy, “Deaths: Final
• The ratio is higher in women and youth and lower in men and the elderly;
• More women than men report a history of attempted suicide, with a gender ratio
of 2:1;
• The strongest risk factors for attempted suicide in adults are depression, alcohol
• The strongest risk factors for attempted suicide in youth are depression, alcohol
Despite the fears of some who felt the changing roles of women in our society
would create more opportunity for affective disorders, and thus, increased incidences of
suicide, the completion rates for suicides of women has remained dramatically lower than
© 2010 / JHarwood 4
for men. Typically, men tend to use more lethal means, such as guns and hanging; thus,
attempts are more successful than for women, who use less lethal methods, such as
“I don’t really think I could ever go through with it, but you never know what
could happen on those winding roads. If I knew my children could be taken care of by
the life insurance, it wouldn’t bother me to have an accident. I wish I were dead, but
more than that, I wish God would just take me. I can’t stand these feelings, but I don’t
think I could put my family through this. I’m just so confused, so sad, so desperate! I
“If I ever do it, I will make sure I don’t mess that up like I have messed up the rest
of my life. I’ll make damn sure there is no room for error! I have a gun and I’m not
afraid to use it. I don’t want to wind up a vegetable my family has to take care of. That
In these stories, we see the differences between men and women in the passive or
active level of intentions. Although both are real contemplations, men look to direct
means for success while women tend to look for ways out of pain and suicide is the
option chosen.
Suicide carries a social stigma that wraps like albatrosses around the necks of
those who have attempted or completed the act. The stigma extends to those left behind.
For every completed suicide, a minimum six people are directly impacted. Since 1971,
© 2010 / JHarwood 5
one out of every 59 Americans has survived a suicide. Some survivors experience
others’ reactions to them as shock, condemnation, revulsion, or pity. They feel not only
grief and anger, but also guilt, depression, exhaustion, hostility, terror, and vulnerability.
People often implicitly or explicitly accuse them of neglecting the one who died. Why
weren’t they attentive enough to see what was happening? How could they drive the
person away emotionally at his or her most vulnerable time? Why did they leave the
despondent person alone with a gun, bottle of pills, or keys to the car? Why didn’t they
trust their gut feeling and go back to the room one more time? Why did they say, scream
or yell such provocative words? What else could they have done? They should have
Add the continuing religious and ethical prejudices that exists only slightly below
the surface, stir it up, and you have a toxic cocktail that defies recovery and healing.
postvention”, M.M. Moore and S. Freeman found that a family member’s suicide is
considered the most painful death for families. Family members perceive the loss as
senseless, and they’re often forever searching for the answer to the big question: “Why”?
They may also grieve the opportunities lost because of the suicider’s despondency and
eventual death, and feel considerable guilt over a sense of failed responsibilities to the
deceased. A poem written by the best family friend of a client captures the intensity,
© 2010 / JHarwood 6
and guide them into promised lands
as rich with light, loam, green love
as the hills and woods
you called home for twenty years.
© 2010 / JHarwood 7
the grandkids trapped with her
by a man you hated,
a man just like the one you’d become.
You shut the bunkhouse door on your wife,
shoved her beauty and devotion
into her face like a dirty sock
and put a gun to the place
that hurt most inside you – your heart.
You sprayed your rage into the faces
of the rest of us.
© 2010 / JHarwood 8
put ourselves together
and soldier on with a depth of love
you so mightily expressed
until the day those monsters and demons
got tired of your victories
caught you off-guard
and swallowed you up.
We may not feel it appropriate to discuss the situation or the person after a
suicide. However, this type of talk is not only appropriate and healthy, but also very
necessary. In fact, silence often leads to suicide – and continued silence stifles the ability
of survivors to heal. Many survivors feel they possess little or no right to grieve, that
they cannot openly discuss the tragedy with people, and that they should not speak the
person’s name because of the negative thoughts and impressions of others. Many
survivors find it difficult to accept that their loved one’s death came from suicide. The
risk for isolation and abandonment associated with grief, already problematic, only
increases due to a survivor’s hesitance to openly grieve and speak of the deceased person
“You were the most important element in my life and you left me, and nothing
will ever equal its importance. No more “daddy’s little girl.” And now look where you
are. The worst part comes when I can’t cry anymore, because I just get even angrier and
bitterer (sic). There is only complete silence that permeates my skin and my being. I get
© 2010 / JHarwood 9
The palpability of the woman’s anger, desperation, sorrow and helplessness is so
absolute that we can feel it in her words. Imagine how she feels. It took her two years
after her father’s suicide to face the matter—and another several months after that to
write about it. She also suffered from a rash of personal problems, include despondency
with her father and his decision to end it all before they had a chance to talk or heal.
Three years after the man’s suicide, she at last reached a point where she could wake up
every morning and remember the goodness in her father—and face a life not defined by
The majority of suicides are committed by persons suffering from very deep
depression. For them, this is a logical solution. Clinical depression symptoms include
awakening without the ability to get back to sleep, other types of sleep disturbances,
appetite disturbances, weight loss or overeating and weight gain, decreased energy,
remembering or making decisions, and persistent physical symptoms that do not respond
“I wish I could stop thinking about all this. I wish it would stop! My head hurts.
My body hurts. I feel so alone. God, I feel so alone. I need someone to understand. I
wish I didn’t need to talk or feel or think. I wish I didn’t have to do anything. I am so
© 2010 / JHarwood 10
tired. Why do I feel so rattled and nervous inside? I feel like a wreck. It’s like I’m
shaking inside all the time. Even when I feel ok, I still feel like there is something right
on the edge. It’s like there are waves that run inside me, only contained by the necessity
to do so. What is it? What’s inside me? Will it ever end? How much can I take? How
The despair of wondering “what is wrong with me” continues into the physical aspects,
One man in his late 60’s came into the hospital where I worked. He was very
calm, polite and very sure of himself. He asked to speak to a therapist. As we sat down,
he shared a decision he made – he would end his life. “I just wanted to be sure this was a
My first thought was that he wanted an intervention to assist with the depression
and suicidal thoughts. I was wrong. “My wife has recently died, my children are
estranged from me, I am retired, most of my friends have passed away, and I just don’t
want to be alone anymore,” he said. “The reason I came here was to make sure that when
old, I am healthy and there may be someone who could use them. It seems a waste to not
take them.”
The “waste” was his despair and loneliness. We did intervene and keep this
gentleman safe for a time; however, it may not have been enough. When he left the
© 2010 / JHarwood 11
hospital, he smiled broadly and thanked the staff. Watching him walk away, the thought
tore at me that no one, myself included, can change the course of another’s life. I cannot
tell you what happened to this man; I did not see him again. I hope he realized someone
cared very much about him, and that he cared about his own life again.
There is general consensus among the professionals who work with suicide that it
traumatic stress induces psychological pain so unbearable that death appears the only
relief. It also entails changes in brain chemistry and physiology. Suicidal individuals
manifest varied chemical imbalances, the most notable of which is depleted serotonin, a
neurotransmitter that inhibits self-harm. Additionally, suicidal individuals and those with
chronic pain share an experience of recurrent stress and intense pain that decreases
Clients who have attempted suicide share with me time and time again how they
never meant to hurt anyone. They saw suicide as their way of relieving their families of
that which they considered themselves - a burden. Family or friends were rendered
powerless to take any corrective action. For the victim, it was a way out. I’ll give you an
example of this powerlessness from the life of a man who carried out his suicide. One
evening, the man’s wife called a family friend. She told him that her husband seemed
serious about killing himself this time, after years of hearing his idle threats. This time,
“You know, in some states, they have the Baker Act, where you can have
someone picked up by the cops and locked up in a psychiatric hospital for their own
© 2010 / JHarwood 12
protection,” the man told her. “I think that’s your only recourse right now.”
Immediately after getting off the phone, he called the man’s other lifelong friend.
They agreed to make the contacts necessary to see if their suicidal buddy could be
protected from himself. Each spent the day calling authorities and learning how the
That’s as far as they got. A day later, while the authorities were deciding when to
make their move, the man took his final step. He drugged himself up with an inordinate
amount of Valium and other pills, locked himself in a storage area, called his son to say
Hearing stories of persons who attempted or contemplated suicide may also help
gain perspective on just how real the despair was, how hopeless they seemed, and how,
very often, not wanting to hurt their loved ones was the only reason they did not act
sooner. It does not mean that the love given to them was not good enough. Instead,
suiciding may have been their way of showing love back - by letting go.
“I am so very sad right now. I feel alone and cold, almost empty. It is like my
sadness is so deep and hard I can’t see anything else. I hurt. I wish I were not here. I
do not know what I feel right now other that pain. I am empty. I wish I didn’t care so
much about people. My family…friends…I don’t want to hurt them. But maybe they
would be better off if they didn’t have me to worry about. I can see in their eyes how
they worry. They want to help, and it would be great if they could. But I don’t think
anyone or anything can help me. I don’t see any way out of this pain. I hate trying. I
© 2010 / JHarwood 13
feel like it is a waste of time, but I don’t want to hurt anyone. I have already hurt so
many people. But do I ever get a chance to help myself stop hurting? Will I ever figure
out why it hurts so much inside me? If I don’t know, who could ever tell me??
The days and weeks after a loved one’s suicide are tremendously difficult. These
survivors will never forget the deceased person, and there is no reason they must. At
first, though, it adds to the pain. These are times of feeling confused and forgetful; this is
normal, to be expected. One may also experience exhaustion and overwhelming pain.
This grieving may take several years before one feels a sense of true recovery. It is vital
to undertake the grief work, and a commendable choice to begin recovery. Bear in mind
that you’re on a journey, and the time will arrive when the pain will not be such a
pervasive, front-burner matter. By working through your grief and allowing the feelings
to come forth, the process begins. Remember, as with any type of grief, it will not
always hurt this bad. The initial opening of the wounds is the most painful.
“All I really need from you is for you to be here. Things would be so much
easier. I just need you to hug me one more time and say, “Little Girl, it will be alright.”
Here, the depression stage is very active. The stages of grief will not necessarily
Other people can be a tremendous help at this time. Sharing pain with others
produces a way to heal. We realize our feelings are similar. Together, lasting support
© 2010 / JHarwood 14
systems can be built with others going through these same situations. Take comfort in
knowing there are many others who have experienced this before.
Literature shows that the grief reactions of suicide survivors are more intense than
with other types of grief. For that reason, among others, a suicide survivor should enter
into a helping situation as soon as possible after the tragedy - some say within 24 hours.
Unfortunately, there are very few suicide support groups in existence. There is an
overall lack of these types of services in all areas, such as rural communities. A support
people who come together for a common purpose. In a support group, as with any other
type of therapy, there is no right or wrong, only opinions and experiences that are shared.
Suggested solutions or actions that work for one might not suit another. This is
customary. Either several persons can work together to write and develop materials, or
If several persons choose to begin a support group, they may know a group of
interested people. If more members are needed or desired, one can contact the local
funeral homes or mortuary for perspective members. Often with a suicide, family
members request information on such a group to attend in order to process the experience
This material can also be used independently, but I would suggest that at least one
“go-to” person be available with whom a safe discussion of these exercises can occur.
professional help. Many survivors may need more intense treatment or assistance. While
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some survivors do experience suicidal thoughts after the death, it does not mean they will
act. However, if the survivor is experiencing suicidal thoughts that cause alarm,
One of the first ways to heal is to allow ourselves to feel. We may feel anger at
the person for suiciding. We may ask ourselves “Why?” and “If I’d only…” questions
until our heads ache. Any of these feeling and questions are normal. We must process
what has happened and wrap our minds around the reality, so allow yourself to feel how
you feel.
matter what happens, you will survive. Hold on to the knowledge that recovery is
possible. Survivors may feel like they are going “crazy”, but remember, this is a time of
mourning. There is no right or wrong way to feel. You might feel angry or express anger
toward others, the world, or even your own religious perceptions. This, too, is okay to
feel and express appropriately. Be cautious that feelings of guilt do not fester into shame.
Processing the exercises in this book is a major way to begin to deal with the guilt before
it can internalize.
“I kept thinking that this was a dream…that all I had to do was stay calm and
logical and this would all get back to normal. Later that night when it started to really
sink in, I felt like I was going to tear apart inside! All I wanted to do was hit something,
scream, run, find out who was responsible for this and make them take it back! I kept
thinking back over the last few hours before it happened, replaying what I needed to go
back and change, what I should have done differently, what I shouldn’t or should have
© 2010 / JHarwood 16
said! The only word that kept running in my head was “NO!”
—Sharon, 37
Sharon’s initial pain, confusion, anger, and bargaining is evident in this excerpt.
Her reaction is very common and there is a tremendous need to know what to do next.
This is one of the main reasons this book is so important—it provides you the opportunity
to begin to do something.
Take this journey one day at a time; it will not end quickly. There are many
feelings to process, especially with a suicide. There may be emotional setbacks in this
journey, as with any self-exploration or grieving process. It may be wise to put off any
major life decisions until the emotional pain has lifted somewhat. Take care of yourself,
and find supportive friends and others to listen and to allow your healing tears to flow.
This is crucial. Remember that no one solely influences another person’s life. This was
not a choice you made or wanted, but this is what happened. You do not have to like it,
approve of it, or justify it; you do have to eventually accept it and move forward. Being
aware that others are also in pain is a way to help each other with the healing. Be patient.
There may be some who tell you how you “should” and “need to” feel. If possible, steer
clear of these people, no matter how well intentioned; there is no right or wrong in any
type of grief. Talking about the suicide over and over is normal and healthy; the need to
talk is a normal feeling. These questions need to be explored and re-explored until we
are able to accept the conclusions that remain. As a surviving friend, loved one or
attempter, you will never quite be the same again. However, remember: the definition of
© 2010 / JHarwood 17