4-Mat Review:

Strengthening Marital Intimacy

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Presented to

Dr. Guy Jeanty

Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary

Lynchburg, VA

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In Partial fulfillment

Of the requirements for the course

PACO 610 Premarital and Marital Counseling

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By

Felipe E. Perez

April 11, 2010

MY SUMMARY

Hawkins, Ronald E. 1991. Strengthening Marital Intimacy. Kearney, NJ: Morris Publishing.

Today, the world views the term “marital intimacy” as a way to describe sexual

intercourse. However, this term is used in a broader context meaning a sense of togetherness.

Intimacy is best defines as “oneness with healthy separateness.” Occasionally, the female loses

herself in her husband and becomes adrift in a sea of submission (Hawkins, 1991). Intimacy

implies a connection between two persons, in this case between and man and a woman, or better

yet, a husband and his wife. Achieving intimacy requires a commitment to oneness; therefore,

the two individuals must enter into covenant with each other (Hawkins, 1991).

In his book, “Strengthening Marital Intimacy (1991), Dr Ronald Hawkins presented a

fascinating look at God’s design for marriage and what intimacy is marriage is all about. He

gives us a biblical model for a successful marital relationship in order to build stronger

marriages. Dr Hawkins starts by showing us how God created male and female to function as a

team and share the joys of God's creation. Satan drove a wedge between them, and over the

centuries males and females have been locked in a tragic power struggle (1991). Christ, through

the Holy Spirit living in the man and woman, is the wedge remover; in which the walls that

divide them are tore down.

In addition, Dr. Hawkins expresses that intimacy is the ultimate goal for a marriage.

However, much misunderstanding exists concerning what intimacy really is (1991). There are

many people who have been taught generation after generation that intimacy is primarily or even

solely a physical reality but this is simply not the case. We are all victims of the fall of humanity

into sin and self indulgence. God intended for couples to live in a condition of spiritual intimacy,

intimacy of the soul or intellect, as well as physical intimacy. The author goes above and beyond
by breaking down the word “intimacy.” Dr. Hawkins defines intimacy as “oneness with healthy

separateness.” In our separateness, the author emphasizes both our strengths and weaknesses

which as a whole complete each individual person. However, spiritual unity and oneness requires

commitment for both individuals to enter into covenant with each other just like God’s covenant

with Abraham and the Davidic covenant. Married couples complete God’s team. Both the man

and the woman are at the ends of the baseline with God at the apex. As husband and wife draw

closer to God, they in turn draw closer to each other.

Satan planted a wedge between male and female. In today’s society, it is not unusual to

see a woman in charge of a corporation, single, and in power. While there is nothing wrong with

a woman in leadership and authoritative position, Satan sold a lie to many people (including

men) that one is better than the other. Many have misunderstood Genesis 3:16 to say that God

decreed that the woman must be the follower and submitter and that the man should be the leader

and authority. As a result, husbands deny their wives what they want and need. They become the

oppressors and the wives are the oppressed (p.51). Many radical feminists continue to add to this

lie by emphasizing separateness over conscious commitment to oneness. Husband and wife

should not be in a battle; they should be a team fighting for the good.

It is difficult to erase the lies that the devil has introduced to our society in which we have

learned to accept and live by. Fortunately, Christ has done it all for us. He is the wedge remover

as Dr. Hawkins explains. Christ can and will break down the walls that divide all of God’s

people. It will take both the will of the man and the woman to reinstate the original relationship

of perfect love between the husband and wife in marriage. According to Dr. Hawkins, intimacy

is the ultimate goal for our marriage. It is not to procreate and have kids or to make more money

with dual income. It is God’s desire to see His people living in prosperity and happiness. The
proper balance of spiritual unity and intimacy allows married couples to function efficiently for

the glory of God and the ultimate good of each contributing member.

CONCRETE RESPONSES

It is unfortunate that marriages are ending up in divorce in an unprecedented rate. As a husband

who got married at an early age of 20 years old, I had my own misconceptions about marriage. I

thought that marriage was about sex and more sex with one person and that was it. Fortunately,

God had revealed to me that marriage is so much more than physical pleasures. God had given

me a wife, my good thing, and my partner in this world that we live in. Over the years, I have

worked at drawing closer to God and improving my personal relationship with Him through

prayer, fasting, and studying of His Word. I then discovered along the way that God had changed

me for the better as a Christian man, husband, and father. The intimacy that Dr. Hawkins

discussed all throughout his book is my ultimate goal for my marriage. It is not a one-time deal

but a continuous goal that my wife and I will continue to strive for. I have learned to appreciate

my wife for who God had made her to be—both her strengths and her weaknesses. We have both

learned over the years that we as individuals will make mistakes. What matters is that we learn

together as a team and that we continue to improve our personal relationships with God and do

things to glorify Him and His Kingdom. Furthermore, this book made me realize that my wife is

still an individual even if we are one as a couple. It is easy to forget that our spouses can and will

think for themselves. Submission does not mean that our spouses should lose their own sense of

self. Instead of fighting about this, I need to see my wife as God sees her and love and adore her

as such.
REFLECTION

As I was reading this book, I realized that there is much to be said about intimacy

particularly as it relates to marriages. It is unfortunate but many couple of who have been

married for several years has yet to experience spiritual and soul intimacy in their marriage nor

do they know what to look for. As a father, I cannot help but think, “How do I teach my daughter

about intimacy?” “What should she expect of her future husband?” Of course, my daughter is

only two years old right now and most people would say, “I wouldn’t worry about that yet.” I

understand that my wife will have to take a big part of teaching her about intimacy but I also

would like to teach her about God and how God sees intimacy in married couples. In order to

build and sustain a lasting, committed and intimate relationship, a couple must be firmly

grounded in the wisdom that God has revealed in order to enable couples to make good choices

and wise decisions as they travel the journey of this life together.

APPLICATION

I plan to utilize Dr. Hawkins’ book as a reference for future counseling sessions. This

book is a good reminder of what intimacy should be and the importance of having a daily

commitment to knowing and loving my wife. It is also important to remember that it takes a

conscious effort to understand another person particularly our spouse who think and react

differently that we (men) do. Despite of the differences, I can use this book to remind my future

patients or clients that we must appreciate the physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual

dimensions of our individual personality. Finally, Dr. Hawkins’ book is a valuable addition to

my book of references, knowledge and commitment to strengthening the intimacy within my

own marriage and in my work as a minister in my local church. As with any other self-help

books on marriages out there, communication is critical in any relationship. Without it, it will not

work. I need to allow the Holy Spirit to communicate within me and in my marriage in order for

my wife and I to fully realize and experience the very intimacy that God desires for us to have.