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Body Talk

This lady goes to the doctor for a check up.


When she gets home her husband asks, "So how did the appointment go?"
She replies, "He said, I have the body of a twenty year old.
Her husband says, "Oh yeah. and what did he have to say about your forty year old ass?"
She says, "Your name didn't come up."

Brain Insult

''Add this up for me. A ton of sawdust, a ton of old newspaper, and a ton of fat. Now, have
you got all that in your head?''

''Yes.''

'' Yeah, I thought so.''

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in
horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the
going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that
since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey
came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and this time it won.
The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of
the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of
the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
Next day the headline read : NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day,
the headline in the paper read : NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day


BLESS THIS OUR LAND AND NATION
By Njonjo Mue and Wangui Kaniaru
O Lord, do not your eyes look for truth?
You struck them, but they felt no pain;
You crushed them, but they refused correction.
They made their faces harder than stone
and refused to repent.
Jeremiah 5:3

There were 10 Luos, three Luhyas, one Kisii, one Turkana…. But who remembers? After all it
happened more than a month ago, and life has to go on. We reacted with predictable shock and
indignation, even held an inter-denominational service at the site of the massacre and our
President flew in from abroad and promptly held a public rally on the very spot where 21
defenceless citizens had been hacked down on Bloody Sunday. But that is all distant memory
now. None of us approves of what Mungiki and Taliban did, but life has to go on, you see. But
what is even more shocking than the massacre in Kariobangi is the speed and finality with which
we have erased it from memory and moved on. We are a nation of forgetting and moving on. No
outrage seems to shake us into taking a stand and ensuring that it never happens again; no crime
against innocents, however vile, prompts us to meaningfully speak up for ‘the least of these.’ But
this is not about the victims of the Kariobangi mayhem. It is a call for some long-overdue soul-
searching that our country needs to do as a matter of great urgency before we can move on. For
you see, we have loved lies more than truth. We have embraced the lie of individual prosperity
and the lie of our tribal/racial identities. And we have invented and believed in the lie of our
greatness as a nation, while denying our state of seemingly terminal decay, or merely
complaining about it. Those of us in our late twenties/early thirties can recall when as children,
we started seeing for ourselves the creeping signs of decay – occasional press stories of
corruption, reports of the odd violent robbery. The attitude among adults at the time always
seemed to be, “Oh well, we have our problems, but we are not as bad as Uganda, or Nigeria,” or
“It’s all Moi’s fault, it’s all the Kalenjins’ fault…” The last refuge of a fading elite was to hack
back to a golden era that had been golden only for themselves. ‘The old days were better,” they
sighed with indignation. “When our people were the only ones in the civil service.” It is like
every blow that has been struck against this nation as a chance for us to recognise how far we
have fallen and to prompt us to repent and return to God just hardened our resolve to ‘cope’ to
‘adjust’ to ‘make do’. Doesn’t it sound uncannily similar to Jeremiah’s lament above? Resilience
is an admirable quality, but rebellion is an abomination to our God. And the line between the
twain can be very thin indeed. So you move to another suburb, or you send your children abroad
when the system crumbles, or you pay up the bribe and continue doing whatever it takes. You
refuse to see the kids on the street and roll up your window each time you approach the
streetlights. And they grow up and become menacing glue-sniffing teenagers. Still you ignore
them and soon they are hungry and angry adults with no options in life than to get together and
organise the next carjacking, the next bank robbery… then what do you do? You see if none of
us takes care of Little Mutua, as he looks through the glass of your firmly shut car window while
you study a billboards that reminds you to give your children a secure future and wish the lights
would turn green, all of us will have to take care of Big Mutua, a few years down the line by
putting more bars on our every window, driving with our car doors firmly locked and imposing a
curfew on ourselves in our city. But back to the present, and to you. You refuse to see the decay;
you refuse to ask yourself what YOU can do to change the situation. We were sent off to school
full of hope and excited at the possibilities that lay ahead, but our expectations were soon
crushed. Now we spend the rest of our lives making excuses why things cannot be done
differently or change effected quickly. We love the lie that things are not so bad, or that things
are bad and ‘someone’ is going to change them. We watch from a safe distance as people take
risks and fail, and we shrug internally and think, ‘at least that wasn’t me’. We acknowledge the
mess, but our reaction is to call up the university and join the Parallel Programme to enrol for
another degree, and hope that by the time we are through someone will have fixed this mess so
that we can get on with our lives. But alas, we’ve gotten ahead of ourselves with that very long
introduction. Let us start from the beginning: Our national anthem. Think of the exalted words of
that prayer that we sing so frequently if not fervently, exhorting God to visit our land. Do we
really mean what we sing, or do we merely mock God with a prayer we have no expectation of
seeing answered in our midst or any intention of working for its fulfilment in our time?
Justice be our shield and defender: We have asked for justice to be our shield and our defender
and done nothing to lift up this shield. The shield is supposed to prop itself up, somehow. We
want the government to crack down on this or that or the other, so long as none of us is hurt by
the crackdown. We do not lift up the shield for ourselves in our prayer for the nation, we do not
lift this shield for the widow, the orphan, the refugee, the religious minority, the kiosk owner
whose livelihood is destroyed before our very eyes, the thousands of people dying in prison, or
the people who are exploited by the labour system. So long as we can do what we want to or
need to do, then these other people just have to suck up their misfortunes. We hear about
different attacks on different people for different reasons, and we shrug our shoulders because
that is just the way these people are. We are convinced that it cannot be done, we are devoted to
making absolutely no sacrifices that are grounded in the bigger picture of this land created by
God whose blessings we are asking for in mock supplication. We counsel our children not to
‘waste’ their lives as teachers in schools, because there is no money in teaching and the quality
of education is so bad anyway. Of course once ‘someone’ fixes these things we’ll be fine, but
until then, we’ll just send them to private schools, or try to get them jobs somewhere else, or
whatever. We cope the best we can. Dwelling in unity? We want to dwell in unity, but do
nothing to build that unity. We must honestly ask ourselves how are we building that unity, in
big ways and in little ways? As families? As communities? As workers? There is little evidence
of unity-building. Instead we tear one another down so that we can be better than the other
person. In big things, in small things. We want this cake to be eaten, and to be eaten now; and if
at all possible, to be shared only among people who look like us and speak like us.
Peace, Liberty? We desire peace and liberty, but have not made any individual sacrifices
necessary to uphold this peace or to guard this liberty. Just think about it. What are we doing?
What do we desire above all else? Excellence or comfort? We have been unfaithful to God, we
have raised up a generation and taught it to crave ‘Western things’ that are synonymous with
comfort. We have given them nothing to safeguard, because we have made it clear by our lives
that there is nothing we consider ourselves to be guardians of. Our creed has been, ‘live your life,
do your best, and let someone else deal with the situation, whatever it is.’
Then the world starts crumbling around us; things that were unimaginable five years ago become
commonplace – gangs attacking and mutilating people in the city, car-jackings, murders, rape,
mayhem, cheating in exams, no water, no electricity, no roads, thousands of road deaths, rising
illiteracy, rising unemployment – and we are shocked. SHOCKED? So we pick ourselves up,
build higher walls around our houses, put glass on top of the concrete separating us from our
neighbours, try to avoid being in the city after a certain time and adjust to a new way of life.
Things are not so bad. Do your best, adjust. You woke up this morning, you went to work, you
did your thing. It is bad in some ways, but it is not so bad yet. Pray for God to send someone to
do something about this situation.
Plenty be found within our borders… We want plenty within our borders, but have no regard for
those lacking in our midst. So we hear about deaths and mayhem in Kariobangi, and thank God it
wasn’t us, and move on to the next thing. We call it a political conspiracy, we call it a conspiracy
by the landlords to raise rents, we watch the situation on TV from the comfort of our homes. And
we hope someone can come and deal with this. We are being crushed under the weight of
culpability in refusing to seek truth. But we harden ourselves a bit more and continue in our
ways.
Yet even civilizations and empires do not fall all at once. These things begin one person at a
time, in a fundamental and profound way. One person at a time, the spirit of this age is
consuming the lives of young men and women in this land. One person at a time, we are
allowing our inheritance to be taken from us. What are the dreams we have for this nation? What
is our role in fulfilling these dreams? What can we do? In a very real way, recording these
dreams, praying about them, preparing for them to come to pass, is something we need to do as a
church. These dreams are in every area of our lives – our families, our schools, our jobs, our
courts, and our communities. But first we need to seek His face, and be changed by Him,
recognizing that He is going to change us in order to use US. If we are to be called peacemakers,
then we have to be prepared to be making peace in the midst of war. Whatever it costs us, we
must gain understanding from Him. So prepare against all odds, pray against all odds, watch
against all odds, and wait against all odds. But we had better not be watching and waiting for the
deliverer who will fix everything for us. He has already come, He died and rose again. We are
watching and waiting for the fulfilment of the purposes God has for this nation through US. All
begins and ends with me and you. God did not send an angel to build the ark and then invite
Noah into it. Noah acted on this call, and built against all odds, for the day when rain would
come. And come it did. We cannot wait for another election, a new leader, a pack of ‘young
turks’, a new group of reformers and leaders and politicians to fix us. We are it. Your children
will grow up and their children after them in the world we are making for them today. And
although you are not the one who wielded the pangas that decapitated the 10 Luos, three Luhyas,
a Kisii and a Turkana, you are living and participating in a society so divided, so hardened, and
so filled with injustice that this was allowed to happen. So whether you like it or not, you are
implicated in these actions. They are both an indictment and a call to repentance. But above all,
they are a call to arms. Amkeni ndugu zetu!

Wangui Kaniaru &Njonjo Mue


Good Friday, 2002
COLLEGE LEG TEST
A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As
He entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its
head; only the legs were showing.

He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor
announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name,
habitat, genus and species.

The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get
upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more
he thought about it the madder he got.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid
test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the
student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as
the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?"

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!"

NEW KANU
Farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new
rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what
it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! you are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you three times around the
farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will
give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running
after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse the second time and the young rooster
has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters
running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer
sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.... third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome
youth and skill!

Define a Gynaecologist :
He is the only Fool on Earth looking for trouble where everyone else Finds Pleasure!
Enjoy,

Define a Kiss:
An application at the headquarters for a job at the base.

Little Ali was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors. In
short, everything they could think of.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Ali down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Ali came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss
his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all
over the room and little Ali was hard at work. Day after day the mother tried to understand what
made all the difference.
Finally, little Ali brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his
room and hit the books. Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Ali got an A in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it????
Was it the nuns ??"
Little Ali looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms????
WHHHHAAAATTTT was it ????"
Little Ali looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to
the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

ROOM FOR A BEER

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the
class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with
rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar
lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the
students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of
course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life.
"The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children -
things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no
room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and
energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time
to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work,
clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."
"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just
sand."

But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full,
and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within
the jar making the jar truly full.

Which proves: that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a beer.

Have a laugh!
Sunning in the Nude
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's
vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and
made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with
forceps.
He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and
withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous,
he couldn't rise to the occasion.
"If neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey
and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrusts
continued for several long minutes.
"Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," the physician panted. "I'm going to drown the little bastard!"
Pray and be prepared for a shock when you read it.
This story is extremely sad. Please pass it on after reading it. Everyone needs to know about this.

My sister's co-worker has a sister in Texas who, with her husband, was planning a weekend trip
across the Mexican border for a shopping spree. At the last minute their baby sitter cancelled, so
they had to bring along their two-year-old son with them. They had been across the border for
about an hour when the baby got free and ran around the corner. The mother went chasing but
the boy had disappeared. The mother found a police officer who told her to go to the gate and
wait. Not really understanding the instructions, she did as she was told. About 45 minutes later, a
man approached the border carrying the boy. The mother ran to him, grateful that he had been
found. When the man realised it was the boy's mother, he dropped the boy and ran. The police
were waiting and got him. The boy was dead. In the (less than) 45 minutes he was missing, he
was cut open, ALL of his insides removed and his body cavity stuffed with COCAINE. The man
was going to carry him across the border as if he were asleep. A two-year-old boy, dead,
discarded as if he were a piece of trash for somebody's cocaine. If this story
can get out and change one person's mind about what drugs mean to them, we are helping. Please
send this E-mail to as many people as you can. If you have a home PC, send it out there, too.
Let's hope and pray it changes a lot of minds. The saddest thing about the whole situation is that
those persons who suffer are innocent and people we love... God Bless you in this united effort to
spread the word. You just might save a life!

Someone passed this on to me and I thought we all needed reminding about how far we've come.
Quite a sobering thought albeit a hilarious one!

Did you have a teacher in High School or Primary School who said things you'd want to share,
please read these and add any you may have and pass on to friends.

"I remember this teacher who saw me wearing some particularly short
rugby shorts and he shouted at me " wewe papa, why are you wearing short-sleeved underwear?"

"I kumbuka this time there was no water in school then we had to go to the river. so we were told
to valia our canvas shoes. The matron saw one chile in leather shoes and she was like "u can't go
to the river in your ink shoes"- iratu shia rangi."

"From a Njoro School Teacher...


Nani huyo ananyonya moto??(who is smoking)"

"From a high school grammar teacher:


"The girl goes to school, goesn't she?"

From a Kianyaga High School Teacher,


"Both of you three, come here!"
From the same teacher in a Geography class.
"In a natural forest, there are many trees (many different Species but
in a man made forest, there is only one tree (One Species)"

From same teacher during High school sports.


"One hundred Kianyaga boys, on the lane" (Those Kianyaga students competing
in the 100 meters race to get on the lane)

Yet another one from same teacher


To a student not sitting at his respective table during lunch in the
dinning hall "Gathumbi, how many times do I tell you not to eat this table.
Now go and eat your table and I should not catch you eating this table again"

This one holds the record for this teacher. This is not fiction.
After an incident where one of the form three students actually shat on one of the dining tables.
The teacher said this during Parade:
"I can't believe how a whole form three student can get on the heaven of the table, subtracts his
trousers and miaring!" (You go figure)

From the headmaster of Kerugoya High School


He comes in the staff room panting and says:
"A male cow was running after me" A bull had been chasing him.

"Irate teacher to student, "Tomorrow I want you to come with your father, your mother and both
your parents."

"Heard at a bar somewhere in western province,Kenya, the stronghold


of the Luhya: 'You can't me!' translated from, 'Huniwezi!'
Ironically, this was a group of schoolteachers and if those are the standards we expect future
generations to go through, then I weep for Kenya. But the comedy element of it carries the day.
Anyday.

"I heard this one from my bro who heard it from their wotchi in
chuo: some jang'o wotchi was trying to explain how some students
stole a few bananas from the school shamba and beat him up in the
process. it goes like: "MIMI NILIKUWA NINA MENYA TORCH KWA RABOLO.
O SAA KIDOGO NASIKIA THUP! CHUMA KWA MACHO!"

"This one from a student composition in high school: the car beat the
corner in speed and then fell over and its legs faced up (gari
ilipiga kona halafu ikaanguga na miguu ikaanglia juu -- sheng)"

"A kyuk once told the butcher: Forgive for me a kilo of meat with
holy paper.(njohera kilo ya nyama na karatathi gatheru)"

"This one's from Starehe a.k.a shrubers den:


On seeing twins enter his office, the assistant director said:
"You look together; are you twice?" (figure that one out!!)"

"In Kagumo the deputy principle amuad to pray for the Mtongwe
disaster victims. It went like this" rod(LORD) help those
who (paused for a moment) PARTICIPATED IN THE MTORORONGWE AIR CRASH
FERRY DISASTER"

From the kyuk song "kanyoni kaja.... An outsider"

"GWATIA NGARI NA UKINYE MAGUTA


START THE NGALI AND STEP ON THE FAT."

An over-teased MALE Maths teacher in Moi Girls got really angry and shouted (in a typical
Meru accent),
"Ngals, if nyu ndon't mbehave nyourselves, I'll nget 'olnd of nyou, Ndestroy nyou, (summoning
an almighty frown) and make nyu miss nyour PERIONDS"
Of course we all knew he meant our lessons but we were hot-blooded adolescent NGELS and
read far too much into it. The whooping and shouting that followed got the whole class into
trouble with the head. AND, needless to say, we did miss our PERIOND!

Please sample this out

TRY OUT THIS RECIPE !!!


INGREDIENTS:
2 x Laughing eyes
2 x Well shaped legs
2 x Loving arms
2 x Firm milk containers
2 x Nuts
1 x Fur lined mixing
1 x Firm banana
DIRECTIONS:
1. Look into laughing eyes
2. Spread well shaped legs with milk loving arms
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently
until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased,
check regularly with finger
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in
and out until well creamed. (For best
results, continue to knead milk containers )
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl
and cover with nuts, leave to soak
(preferably not overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana
doesn't soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change
mixing bowls
NOTE:
- If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully,
before and after use,- Do not lick mixing bowl
after use.
- If cake rises, LEAVE TOWN!!!

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would
sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every
day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her
sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't
you like it anymore?" She said"
I love it but I have to stop eating it" "Why" he said. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm
starting to grow little feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her
skirt, he looked and said, "That's right you are, better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating
his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have
to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too." She asked if she
could look so he pulled down his pants for her. She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you,
you've already got the neck and gizzard!!"

Harambee Stars

A kenyan Mama and Papa were splitting up, and their Son had to decide who he was going to
live with.

So, the judge wanted to talk to the Son to see what he thought about living with either of his
parents. When he asked the Boy about living with his father, the boy said "No, I can't live with
my Papa, he beats me terribly."

"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"

"No way!" replied the Boy, "She beats me worse than Dad does."

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do.
"Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?"
asked the judge.

"Yes," answered the Boy, "Harambee Stars Team at Kasarani"

"You're sure they will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.

"Definitely," said the Boy, "Harambee Stars Hardly beat anybody this days anyway."

A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in a sentence.
Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class.
But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know the answer, so she calls on
Jim.
Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was cancelled indefinitely."
"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"
Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely."
The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can
use it in a different way. So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks...
(Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says, "As I
felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!"

A husband was reading a book on bed with Wife Besides, his finger went to tease wife's PUSSY
" You want sex?" she asked.
"No, i just want to wet my finger to turn the Page"

Here is a speech delivered by Amin at a sumptuous luncheon hosted by Queen


Elizabeth II of Great Britain.

My majesty Mr. Queen sir, horrible ministers and Members of Parliament, invented guests,
ladies under Gentlemen. I here by thank you completely Mr. Queen, sir; and also what he has
done for me and my fellow Uganda who come with me. We have really eaten very much. And
we are fed up completely; and also very thanks. But, before I continue, with my usual few words,
I would ask you to keenly open up from all the windows; so that those plenty climates can come
into to lunch. But before I go back to my Country with a plane from the Entebbe airport of
London I wish to invitation you Mr. Queen, to become home to Uganda so that we can also
retaliate on you. You will eat a full cow; and also feel up your stomach and walk with difficult
because of full stomach completely. Even when you want to rest at night, I will make sure that
you sleep on top of me in the top up stairs of my mansion completely so that you can enjoy all
the gravity of flesh air." "But now I am sorry because I have to tell you
that I have made a short call on you only.
But next time I shall make a long call on you to last the whole moon completely."
Thank you very much to allow me to undress you completely before these extinguished ladies
under gentlemen sir. Lastly but not list, I ask the band to play our international anthem of the
Republic of Uganda and also the British International anthem. "Your majesty sir, I thank you
from the bottom of my heart and from the bottoms of all the people of Uganda. With these few
words, I thank you sir."

TYPES OF MEN YOU MEET IN A LOO

Excitable Type: Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.

Sociable Type: Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.
Timid Type: Cannot pee if anyone is watching. Pretends he has peed and sneaks back later.

Noisy Type: Whistles loudly. Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's tool.

Indifferent Type: All urinals being occupied, uses sink.

Clever Type: Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at same time.

Vain Type: Undoes 5 buttons to take out tool when 2 would have done.

Absent Minded Type: Opens jacket, takes out his tie and pees in his pants.

Worried Type: Not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection
of his
tool while peeing.

Disgruntled Type: Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts and walks away.

Sneaky Type: Drops silent fart while peeing, sniffs and looks at the bloke next to him.

Sloppy Type: Pees down into his shoe, walks out with his zip open and adjusts his balls 10 mins
later.

Learned Type: Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.

Childish Type: Looks at the bottom of the urinal to watch bubbles while peeing.

Strong Type: Bangs tool on the side of the urinal to knock the drops off.

Drunken Type: Pulls out his tool, sees two, puts one back and pees in his trousers.

Embarrassed Type: Covers his tool with both hands as he stands there and pees through his
fingers.

Cockeyed Type: Stands in one cubical and pees in next.

Scared Type: Those that look at the wall because they are scared to look at what they're holding.

Do no ask me where i fall.

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching
for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you
shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found
the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He
looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before. His
cool smile relaxed you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.

You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as
little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way, pain
surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you
shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are
now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something
bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at
you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet
most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! Naughty!! What were
you thinking?
You guys are all nuts. I can imagine what was on your minds. "

I know what you were thinking!

In the window of an Indian shop along River Road...


"Why go somewhere else to be cheated, when you can come here"?

In a Nairobi restaurant...
"Customers who find our waitress rude, ought to see the manager".

In a Westlands jewellery store...


Ears pierced while you wait".

On the grounds of a private school... "No trespassing


without permission"

On an Athi River highway...


"Take notice; When this sign is under water, the road is impassable".

On a poster at Kencom...
"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help".

In a city restaurant...
Open seven days a week and weekends too".

One of the Mathare buildings...


"Mental health prevention center".

A sign on an automatic restroom hand dryer...


"Do not activate with wet hands".

In a Pumwani maternity ward...


"No children allowed".

In a cemetery...
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves".

In a Thika hotel...
"It is forbidden to steal towels, If you are not a person to do such a thing, please don't read this
notice".

In a Mombasa hotel...
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 daily".

A sign posted in a tourist camp site...


"It is strictly forbidden in our camping site that people of different sex, for instance men &
woman, live together
in one tent unless they are married to each other for that purpose".

In a Hindu temple...
"It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man".

In some club...
"Ladies are requested not to have children at the bar".

Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his Italian-born nurse. Eventually, she became pregnant by
him. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave the nurse some money and asked her to go to Italy
and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of all the
child's expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by
and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office, "Dear, you received a very strange
postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He
asked her what she thought might have caused the cardiac arrest. The wife picked up the card
and read it to him: "Four Spaghettis: Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

The Special Branch (National Intelligence), The CID, and the Kenya Police are
all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give
them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch.
The SB goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and
mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do
not exist.
The CID go in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it,
including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The Kenya Police goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten dog. The dog is
yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

Go to College, Get a Job, Borrow from the Driver

Some things take a long time to change. Take the (dis)advantages of higher education, for
example. In the 1970s, to be highly educated in Uganda was a risky business. The military
government of the day was deeply suspicious of educated people, who were deemed to be
dangerous. Many of those who did not flee the country were killed.

Today, higher education is required for most jobs. That is why so many people are going to
university to earn a degree that will open the doors of employment. But again, this kind of
education has its disadvantages. It tends to condemn a person to total dependence on salaried
employment, making them vulnerable to sudden destitution should they lose their jobs.

Strangely enough, at the end of the day, when you trace the adult lives of people at most
workplaces, it is the drivers, messengers and cleaners who do better as far as individual financial
security is concerned. After working for five years, a tea girl will have invested more than the
secretary along with whom she was recruited. The driver will be more financially solid than the
mid-rank graduate officer.

The tea girl, you see, doesn't just earn a salary. She also supplies mandazis to the secretaries at
break time. She arrives at work much earlier than them, to make sure her merchandise is
distributed to various agents such as junior tea girls in nearby offices and a few street side
vendors. When the secretaries arrive, she greets them politely and asks what they would like for
their break. Since she extends credit, many of her bosses are in her debt. They pay up as soon as
they get their salaries, because it would be beneath their dignity to default on a tea girl's money.
Meanwhile, her younger sister, whom she brought over from the village two years ago, is
manning their stall in the market, where they sell second-hand clothes.

From among these, the elder sister regularly selects the "first class" pieces and sells them at
higher prices to the secretaries, who do not want to be seen in the downmarket stalls bargaining
for used garments.Because of spending so much time with educated people, the tea girl has
decided that the child whose birth forced her out of school six years ago, will have the best
education she can provide. She puts the child in a good school and pushes her to work for good
grades. She will even make sacrifices to pay for private coaching.

As for our driver, he is doing equally well. Extremely humble and obliging before the executives,
he is regarded as indispensable. After working there for 10 years, he knows the secrets of the top
men in the organization. They therefore tend to let him get away with small sins like fuel bills
that seem on the high side for the mileage covered. Unbeknown to his bosses, he is running two
or three taxicabs as well as a small shop near his home. He has a line of one-room rental houses
and any tenant who is late with the monthly payment is evicted ruthlessly.

His drivers and wives, who double as shop assistants, bow lower before him than he does before
his bosses at work. His children, who are subjected to very strict discipline, will be sent to the
best schools if they are academically promising. Otherwise, they are absorbed into the family
business at an early age. He rules over his small empire with an iron hand.

The tea girl and the driver get salaries that are much lower than those of the secretary and the
middle officer. But because they live close to the ground, as it were, they spend much less and so
are able to save and invest.

The young graduate, on the other hand, cannot imagine running a soda-and-cake network in the
office. So, he has no income apart from his official salary. Yet he goes to expensive clubs and
wears trendy clothes. So, come the end of the month, he has no money left! Whereas the driver
no longer touches his salary, relying instead on his diverse incomes to run his home.

The graduate cannot invest in the places he frequents and the circles he moves in; he cannot
build a five-star hotel. But the driver can open kiosks and bars in his slum. One day, both these
people will have to leave their employment. No prizes for guessing who is better prepared for
life after retirement. The privatization and downsizing of the public service gave us many sad
cases of senior officers who tried to start businesses with their retirement packages. At their age,
it was too late to learn new tricks, and most got cleaned out within a week, ending up as
frustrated alcoholics.

The stronger ones converted their family cars into cabs, and can be seen touting for teenage
passengers outside discotheques. They live in unfinished houses and are always quarrelling with
their growing children, who cannot cope with the fall in their standard of living.

As the driver's and tea girl's offspring join the business sector with ease, the former officer's sons
and daughters sit around idly talking about Western film stars and singers. Such are the dangers
of an elitist education.

Scary!!

The author, Mr. Buwembo is Editor of the Sunday Vision of Kampala.

On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.
"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is
done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may
not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."
"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a
drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may
not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."

Ainsi soit-il !

Dieu se présenta à l'âne et lui dit : Tu es un âne.


Tu vas durement travailler du matin au soir, en portant des choses très lourdes sur ton dos. Tu
seras herbivore et pas intelligent. Tu vivras 50 ans. Après cela l'âne réfléchit et dit: 50 ans d'une
vie pareille, c'est trop !Beaucoup trop ! Ne me donnes pas plus que 30 ans.
Ainsi soit-il...

Puis Dieu se présenta au chien et lui dit : Tu es un chien. Tu veilleras sur l'humanité, et pour cela
tu seras le meilleur ami de l'homme. Tu ne mangeras que des restes et tu vivras 25 ans.
Le chien répondit : Seigneur, 25 ans d'une telle vie c'est trop. SVP pas plus de 15 ans !
Ainsi soit-il...

Puis le Seigneur se présenta au singe: Tu es le singe. Tu vas sauter d'arbre en arbre et tu te


comporteras comme un idiot. Tu devras être marrant, et comme ça tu vivras 20 ans.
Le singe lui dit. Seigneur, 20 ans à vivre comme le clown du monde, c'est trop. Ne me donnes
pas plus que 10 ans.
Ainsi soit-il...

A la fin, Dieu apparu à l'homme et lui dit : Tu es l'homme ! Le seul être rationnel, le monde
t'appartiendra. Tu vas mettre au profit ton intelligence pour réaliser plein de choses captivantes.
Tu vas dominer le monde et pour cela tu vivras 20 ans !

Sur cela l'homme répondit : Seigneur, être un homme seulement 20 ans ce n'est pas suffisant. S'il
te plaît, donnes-moi en plus, les 30 ans de l'âne, les 15 du chien, ainsi que les 10 du singe.

Ainsi Dieu se préoccupa pour que l'homme vive 20 ans comme un homme, puis se mariera et
vivra 30 ans comme un âne, travaillera durement du matin au soir en portant de lourds poids sur
ses épaules. Puis il aura des enfants et vivra 15 ans comme un chien, il surveillera la maison
et il mangera ce que la famille lui laissera. Puis, une fois âgé, il vivra 10 ans comme un singe,
se comportera comme un idiot et amusera ses petits enfants.
Ainsi soit-il...

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make
love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an
average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not
succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean


17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new
hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity


was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there


8 times you reminded me there's a crack in
the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it
over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I
finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I
felt you move

KEEP READING.......

==========================================================

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused.


Here are the reasons you didn't
get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to
screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone


kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was


running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking


about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while


reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching football,


baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you


missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the


ceiling, what I said was,
"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because
you farted and I was trying to breathe.

There was this case in Kenyatta National Hospital


Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the
same bed and on Sunday morning at 11 a.m.,regardless
of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors
and some even thought that it had something to do with
the supernatural no one could solve the mystery.....
as to Why the death at 11AM?

So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they


decided to go down to the ward to investigate the
cause of the incidents.

So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11


a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside
the ward to see for themselves what the terrible
phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden
crosses, prayer books and other objects to ward off
the evil........ Just when the clock struck 11......

Scroll down for what happened...

Mukhobero Wepukhulu , the part-time Sunday sweeper,


entered the ward and unplugged the life support system
so that he could use the vacuum cleaner

TO MY CHILD
Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.
Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect
it is.
Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry and pick you up and take you to the
park to play.
Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that
puzzle of yours together.
Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in
the backyard and blow bubbles.
Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine
for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.
Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or
second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.
Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to
fix them.
Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can
have both toys.
Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born
and how much I love you.
Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.
Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.
Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favourite TV shows.
Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be
grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given. I will think about the mothers and
fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting
their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital
rooms watching their children suffer senselessly and screaming inside that they can't handle it
anymore.
And when I kiss you goodnight I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer.
It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day.............

Hi! I am a 29-year-old father. Me and my wife have had a wonderful life together. God blessed
us with a child too. Our daughters name is Rachel and she is 10 years old. Not long ago did the
doctors detect brain cancer in her little body.
There is only one way to save her and that is an operation.
Sadly we don't have the money for the operation. AOL and Zdnet (in Zimbabwe) have agreed to
help us. The only way they can help is this:
If you send this email to other people AOL will track this email and count how many people get
it. Every person that opens this email and sends it to at least 3 people will give us 32c. (in
Zimbabwe dollars)

Please help us.


George Arlington
P.O. Box 233
Phone:+263(1)13 3589 or 2279
Victoria Falls
Fax:+263(1)13 2014 or cell 011405930
Zimbabwe

SUBJECT: Satan's meeting (read even if you're busy)


>
>Satan called a world-wide convention of demons. In his opening address he
>said, "We can't keep Christians from going to church. We can't keep them
>from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth. We can't even keep them from
>forming an intimate relationship with their saviour. Once they gain that
>connection with Jesus, our power over them is broken. So let them go to their
>churches; let them have their covered dish dinners, but steal their time, so
>they don't have time to develop a relationship with Jesus Christ.

>This is what I want you to do, said the devil. Distract them from gaining
>hold of their Savior and maintaining that vital connection throughout their
>day!"

>"How shall we do this?" his demons shouted.


>
> "Keep them busy in the nonessentials of life and invent innumerable schemes
>to occupy their minds," he answered.
>
>"Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, and borrow, borrow, borrow.
>
>Persuade the wives to go to work for long hours and the husbands to work 6-7
>days each week, 10-12 hours a day, so they can afford their empty
>lifestyles."

>"Keep them from spending time with their children." "As their families
>fragment, soon, their homes will offer no escape from the pressures of
>work!"

> "Over-stimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that still, small
>voice."
>
>"Entice them to play the radio or cassette player whenever they drive."
>
>"To keep the TV, VCR, CDs and their PCs going constantly in their home and
>see to it that very store and restaurant in the world plays non-biblical music constantly."

>"This will jam their minds and break that union with Christ."
>
>"Fill the coffee tables with magazines and newspapers."
>
>"Pound their minds with the news 24 hours a day."
>
>"Invade their driving moments with billboards."
>
>"Flood their mailboxes with junk mail, mail order catalogues, sweepstakes, and
>every kind of newsletter and promotional offering free products, services
>and false hopes."

>"Keep skinny, beautiful models on the magazines and TV so their husbands


>will believe that outward beauty is what's important, and they'll become
>dissatisfied with their wives."

>"Keep the wives too tired to love their husbands at night." "Give them
>headaches too!" "If they don't give their husbands the love they need, they will begin to look
elsewhere."
>"That will fragment their families quickly!"

>"Give them Santa Claus to distract them from teaching their children the
>real meaning of Christmas." "Give them an Easter bunny so they won't talk
>about his resurrection and power over sin and death."
>
>
>"Even in their recreation, let them be excessive." "Have them return from
>their recreation exhausted."
>
>"Keep them too busy to go out in nature and reflect on God's creation."
>"Send them to amusement parks, sporting events, plays, concerts, and movies
>instead." "Keep them busy, busy, busy!"
>
>
>"And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip and
>small talk so that they leave with troubled consciences."
>
>
>"Crowd their lives with so many good causes they have no time to seek power
>from Jesus." "Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing
>their health and family for the good of the cause."
>
>
> "It will work!" "It will work!"
>
>It was quite a plan! The demons went eagerly to their assignments causing
>Christians everywhere to get more busy and more rushed, going here and
>there. Having little time for their God or their families.
>
>Having no time to tell others about the power of Jesus to change lives.
>
>I guess the question is, has the devil been successful at his scheme?
>
>You be the judge! Does "busy" mean:
>
>B-eing
>U-nder
>S-atan's
>Y-oke?
>
>Please pass this on, if you aren't too BUSY!
Read this,
~*SPECIAL PEOPLE*~
This is sent to the special people in my life. I am
sending this to you, to see how many of you actually
read your e-mail!

Your response will be interesting!


Here goes:

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or


a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know
exactly what to do. When someone is in your life for a
REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have
expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to
assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with
guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do
something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a
stand. What we must realize is that our need has been
met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The
prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now
time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is


because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you an experience of peace or make you
laugh. They may teach you something you have never
done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of
joy. Believe it! It is real!, but, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;


those things you must build upon in order to have a
solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the
lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what
you have learned to use in all other relationships and
areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is a


blessing. Thank you for being a part of my life. Smile
and stop here if you're not into this final part: This
is to show people you love them and to see how many
people love you!!!!!!

Don't feel embarrassed because only you will get the


results. Send it to every friend that you have online,
including the person who sent it to you.

0 Replies = you may need to work on your "people skills"

2 Replies = you are nice but probably need to be more outgoing..

4 Replies = you have picked your friends well

6 Replies = you are downright popular

8 Replies or More = you are totally awesome (and probably why you're on MY list!)

IMPORTANT NOTICE

The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year,
due to the serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a
willful malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the
reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.

This defect has been technically termed, "Sub-sequential Internal Non-morality," or more
commonly known as SIN, as it is primarily expressed.

Some other symptoms:

[a] Loss of direction


[b] Foul vocal emissions
[c] Amnesia of origin
[d] Lack of peace and joy
[e] Selfish, or violent behaviour
[f] Depression or confusion in the mental component
[g] Fearfulness
[h] Idolatry
[i] Rebellion

The Manufacturer, Who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory
authorised repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect.

The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the
staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.
The toll free number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please
upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download
ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big
or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:

[a] Love
[b] Joy
[c] Peace
[d] Patience
[e] Kindness
[f] Goodness
[g] Faithfulness
[h] Gentleness
[i] Self-control

Please see the operating manual, HOLY BIBLE, for further details on the use of these fixes. As
an added upgrade, the manufacturer has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling
direct monitoring and assistance from a resident Maintenance Technician, the Holy Ghost.

Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up permanent residence on the
premises!

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids the
Manufacturer's warranty, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will
result in the human unit being permanently impounded.
For free emergency service, call on JESUS.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped
in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent
contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention. Please assist where possible by
notifying others of this important recall notice.
Have a good one!

Look what some lunatic sent me. Sorry, if it stinks just let me know.

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday
before the judge. The judge said, "you seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a
second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the
evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court
Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the
weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew 2 circles like this... O o and told them this (the big circle)
is your brain before drugs, and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge, "And you, how did you do?" (to the second boy)
"Well your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you do that?"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws 2 circles) o O "I said, (pointing to the small circle) this
is your asshole before prison......"

From Readers Digest


A young boy thinks that he can get anything by declaring: I know the truth!
So he tells his mother " I know the truth!" The mother calls him aside and hands him $20
swearing him not to tell his father. Exhilarated, as soon as he sees his father, he blurts out: " I
know the truth!. The father quickly draws him aside and hands him $20 also swearing him not to
tell his mother.
Thinking he has found a master key to easy money, as soon as he sees the milkman, he tells him:
"I know the truth!" The milkman takes a long look at him and, breaking into a grin, he opens his
arms wide and declares" Well then son, come and give your dad a hug!"

I lost the RD and reproduced this from memory

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically
impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its
throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible. The
little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Don't assume.....Don't ignore.....

Ol' Fred

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their
preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he
motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of
energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket
pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket
that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just
before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration
there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Girl: ";Forgive me father for I have sinned"


Priest :"What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?"(as he touched her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?"(as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes father."
Priest: "Like this?(as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his "you know what "into my "you know where"
Priest: "Like this? (as he stuck his " you know what "into her "you know where")
Girl: "YES FATHER ;YEES FATHER ;YEES FAAAATHER!!"
Priest: after a few minutes)"That’s no reason to call ! him a son of a bitch"
Girl:" But father he had AIDS!
Priest: "SHIT!THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!
Girl : ";Forgive me father for I have sinned"

Quite funny (and true)!


ONLY Kenyans
1. are engaged for 5 years or more
2. never bother to divorce, they just separate
3. are late to church, work, and everything else EXCEPT when the disco is
free before 9pm
4. refer to diabetes as 'SUGAR'
5. show up at weddings, showers, graduation, birthday parties with a new outfit on with nails and
hair done but no gift
6. in relation to #5, they eat like parking boys and take a plate home
7. consider 'clubbing' or 'henging' as a monthly expense
8. leave bills (instead of insurance money) behind for surviving relatives
9. borrow money for a wedding.
10.have mothers who can use curse words and religion ALL IN ONE
SENTENCE e.g. "Lord, give me strength because I'm about to knock the hell out
of this child"
11.spend the car insurance money on everything EXCEPT getting the dent
fixed.
12.invite co-workers and all of their friends to their child's 1st birthday
party which happens to have a professional DJ with only about 3 kids(including the child) in
attendance.
13.Start every sentence with "Me I..."e.g "ME I donno why you are saying that I always say 'Me
I'.
14.Say ''Spend'' when they are staying the night elsewhere from home, e.g. "Are you going to
spend at her place?"
15.Put in iron rods in all windows and main doors...refering to them as ''Burglar''
16. Use "Gai" as an exclamation mark eg "Gai, what are you saying?"
17. Believe "Ati" is an English word for "What?"
18. Think it is cool to drink and drive and get away with it "I don't know how I got home that day
the way I was drunk!"
19.Think all their economic and social problems are caused by "Moi" when in fact some have
never been to school.
20. Pack up all their earthly goods to go to "shaggs" for a week in December, only to pack them
all back again after that one week and return to "Tao"
21. Call travelling "flying out" eg She flew out (no one ever seems to wonder where all these
Kenyans fly to)
22. Think that taking a clerical job in a company is better and "cooler" than toiling in their
parents' family business.
23. Prefer washing cars and dishes in USA to toiling in their 20 acre tea farms in Kenya.
24. Call their homes "at ours". eg "At ours, we eat Githeri every day"

New Kanu

Farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new
rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what
it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! you are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you three times around the
farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will
give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running
after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse the second time and the young rooster has closed
the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters
running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer
sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.... third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome
youth and skill!

A plane is about to crash. There are five passengers on board but only four parachutes.
The first passenger says: "I’m Zinnedine Zidane, the world’s best soccer player. Fifa needs me, I
can’t afford to die" So he takes the first pack and leaves the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says: "I’m the most ambitious woman in the world. I’m
also a New York senator and a potential future president "She takes the second parachute and
jumps out.
The third passenger, Robert Mugabe, says; "I am president of Zimbabwe and I have 13 Million
helpless people who always look up to me for guidance. Above all, I am the cleverest president
in African history and Africa’s people won’t let me die. "So he puts on his pack and jumps out.
The fourth passenger, Nelson Mandela, says to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-Chinese school
boy; "I’ve lived a full and fruitful life and I’m well prepared for the after-life so I’ll let you have
the last parachute".
"That’s okay. says the boy. "There’s a parachute for each one of us. Africa’s cleverest
president has just taken my school backpack".

The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing
$1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a
patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time, including the professional wrestlers and bodybuilders, but
nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked up past his belly
button.
He said in a squeaky annoying voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
Even the hillbilly chicks burst into laughter.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed
away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and
six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What did you do
for a living? Are you a lumberjack, weight lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Baked Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He
loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on
him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he
made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly
after, that they got married.
It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car
broke down.

Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be
late because he had to walk.
On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk
off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before
leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-
putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next.
By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door
and seemed somewhat excited.

She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner
tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about
to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to
peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he
seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only
loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his
napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when
another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms
awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal
when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go.
This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table
shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear
tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying
blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning
them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating
the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and
folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence
when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked
at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled,
"Surprise!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table
for his surprise birthday party.

An elderly woman spent a leisurely shopping at the mall.


Upon return to her vehicle, she found four strange males sitting in her car. Frightened, the
woman dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun. She told the men that if they did not
get out of the car, she would shoot.
The four men ran off quickly, whereupon the lady got into the car. Her key, however, would not
fit. The woman realized that her car was the identical one parked a few spaces down. She
went to the police department and reported the story. The officer on duty laughed hysterically
and pointed to the other end of the counter where four pale men had reported a hijacking by a
mean old lady; no charges were filed.

In this world we live in today, not enough people bother to say just how
much you are appreciated.
Lives go by, and people die, and never know how important they are.
So at the funeral, everyone shows up to show their respects to the family
that is left.
But wouldn't it be great if we could tell them how we feel before it is too
late?
Don't wait until your family and loved ones have passed, because the worst
feeling in the world is not being able to share how you feel. So take the time
and pass this on to let your loved ones know that you love and appreciate
them. Make the best out of life, because it is gone before we know it

KENYA WOMEN

KIKUYU WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you!

LUO WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

LUHYA WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes Ugali and Ingokho.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

MERU WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

SOMALI WOMAN:
First Date: You fill out the mandatory family questionnaire listing all your assets.
Second Date: You go out to the park with her and her whole family comes along.
Third Date: She claims she's a virgin and refuses to have sex with you.
Fourth Date: She makes up for the past ten years of sexual deprivation in one night. You're
rushed to a hospital for exhaustion.

KAMBA WOMAN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Guiness, have sex in the back of
her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after
eating rice and beans in the Machakos.

KISII WOMAN:
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then
again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.

KALENJIN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.

MAASAI WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to
happen.

INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.


The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just
wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him.

They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw.

With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would
shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the
animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the
donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake
it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest
wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:


1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

P.S. The donkey later came back and kicked THE CRAP out of the farmer that tried burying
him.

Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you!

Dear Sir,
Sub: "Salary increase"
The penis, hereby requests a raise in salary for the following reasons:
* I do physical labor
* I work at great depths
* I plunge head first into everything I do
* I do not get weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Yours truly,
Penis

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration
rejects your request for the following reasons:
* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective
clothing
* You'll retire well before reaching 65
* You're unable to work double shifts before you have completed the day's work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace
carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,

The Management

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. ...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or
Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the
world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done
before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied: "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a
decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" asked Bill.

God said: "I'm going to leave it up to you."

Bill said: "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell...

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful
women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining
and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine" said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.
It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his
decision.

"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.

"Fine" retorted God, "as you desire".

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in
Hell.

When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in
a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment: "This is awful, this is not what
I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and
the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says: "That was the screen saver."

Laugh for the morning!

Little Johnny and his father came across his puppy, dead in the back yard. Daddy explained that
Buddy had gone to heaven.

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Little Johnny, as he fought
back tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Buddy's legs are pointing straight up in the air
so that it will be easier for Jesus to take him by the leg and lift him up to heaven."

Little Johnny seemed to take Buddy's death quite well. However, two days later when his father
came home from work, Little Johnny had tears in his eyes as he said, "Mommy almost died this
morning." Fearing something terrible had happened, his father questioned, "What do you mean
Johnny? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Little Johnny, "Soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying
on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus! I'm coming, I'm coming!'
And, if it hadn't been for the neighbour who was holding her down, she would have

Subject: This is a psychological test

Do not prematurely scroll down and look at the answer. Here it goes.....

The main character in the story is a girl. When she was at the funeral of her own mother, she met
this guy who was also there but she did not know who he was. This guy happened to be her
dream guy so she fell in love with him at once...

A few days later the girl killed her own sister. When the Police asked her why she did that she
gave a shocking answer... What is her motive in killing her sister?

Answer:
She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, go to the police and tell them to lock you up. This was a test by
famous American psychologists used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many
arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered it correctly.

If you didn't answer correctly - good for you. If your friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that
you keep your distance :)

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing
quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining
things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and
her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his
mother. Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights.
Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started
looking funny.
He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like
the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble
finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of
breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this
time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever
because sis told him she was really HOT. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick....
a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there
about 8 inches long. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started
calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!
"Anyway", sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made
a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it
tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from
biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped
by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing
and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it
between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up
and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there very limp
and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle,
but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the
eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like
cats....they have nine lives or something. This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by
sitting on it. After about 25 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead
this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother started looking sick and her eyes started getting bigger.

If you have a bad day at work, be thankful. Appreciate that you have a job. Some people don't.
When you pay your bills, be thankful. You can pay them.
If you see a gray hair, be thankful. Think of the cancer patient in chemotherapy who only wishes
for any hair.
When you find yourself waiting in line or the recipient of poor service, be thankful. Think about
the people who have no food to eat at all.
When you realize how much work it is to take care of a house, be thankful you have a house.
Think about those who only wish they had a house to take care of.
When you feel like complaining because you have to walk a long distance from your car, be
thankful. Think of what it would be like not to be able to walk!
If you get irritated by other people's anger, apathy, ignorance, bitterness, or insecurities, be
thankful. Things could be worse. You could be one of them!
When you think everything in your world is terrible, and you want to give up, think of the people
who have been told they only have a certain amount of time to live. They don't want to give up.

Live life to its fullest. Appreciate life. Please send this message on to everyone you know

I'll be happy when...

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another.
Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are.
After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when
they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets
his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation or
when we retire. The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?
Your life will always be filled with challenges.

It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way. So,
treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone
special, special enough to spend your time with ... and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting ...


Until your car or home is paid off.
Until you get a new car or home.
Until your kids leave the house.
Until you go back to school.
Until you finish school.
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married.
Until you get a divorce.
Until you have kids.
Until you retire.
Until summer.
Until spring.
Until winter.
Until fall.
Until you die.

There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So
work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt, and, dance like no one's
watching.

If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone special. I just did!

"Once there was a philosopher doing a survey on a group of men, on the topic of happiness. He
said "I can prove to you that the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of love making
you have!" To prove this he glanced at the audience. And he saw a man at the right hand
corner, smiling, "Sir, How often do you have?" he asked. "Once a month." the man answered.
Looking for another happy face, he spotted a man in the middle, having a bigger smile. And he
asked him "Sir, How often do you have?" "Once a week." the man shouted.
Trying to prove his theory further, he saw another man laughing. "You seem to be a very happy
man, So how often do you have?" "Well, ...everyday" the happy man answered. "There, I am
right ...the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of love making you have" said the
philosopher.
But far off at the end of the room, he saw a man with his hands in the air. Laughing and jumping
with so much happiness. So the philosopher said to him, "You sure look like a very happy man?"
"Yes, Yes .. Yes," answered the very happy man. "So how often do you get to have?" the
philosopher asked. The man answered "Once a year...." The puzzled and embarrassed
philosopher asked the man "WHAT? Then why are you so happy??" The man while laughing,
and jumping said: "IT'S TONIGHT... IT'S TONIGHT!!"

Dr. Phil gave this test on Oprah. Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out. Read on,
this is very interesting!

Here's something that you may find interesting ... psychological profile - don't be overly
sensitive!
The following is pretty accurate. And it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send
it to your friends, including the one who sent it, and let them know who you are.

The person who sent it placed their score in the subject box. Please do the same before
forwarding to your friends.
Don't peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.
Answers are for who you are now ... not who you were in the past.
Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at
many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their
employees and prospective employees.
It's only 10 simple questions, so ... grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers.
Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total. When you finished,
forward this to everyone you know, and also send it to the person who sent this to you.
Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box.

Ready?? Begin..

1. When do you feel your best?


a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon &and early evening
c) late at night
2. You usually walk
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly
3. When talking to people you
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair
4. When relaxing, you sit with
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you
5. When something really amuses you, you react with
a) a big, appreciative laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile
6. When you go to a party or social gathering
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted; do you ...
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes
8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray
9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie
a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers
10. You often dream that you are
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant
POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
(a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1
Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care". You're seen as
vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could
be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a
natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as
bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and
enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always
interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced
not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding;
someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as
clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but
someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in
return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends,
but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very
cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever
did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine
everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction
is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs
looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions and who doesn't want to get
involved with anyone or anything. They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that
don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you
aren't.

Now forward this to others, and put your score in subject box.

http://g.msn.com/1HM1ENUS/c152??PI=44364

Viagra Diary of a Housewife


Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to
re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the
first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I
haven't noticed.

Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column
and burst into tears.
Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called
Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night.
I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other
than his mood.

Day 5.
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6.
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday at Burger King, the manager
asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's
very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was
using his new friend as a weed eater. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9.
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse,
he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11.
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this
morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12.
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still
keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...

Day 13.
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can
hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but
this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.

Day 15.
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything sit on. The cat and dog won't go
near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f**k himself
and he did.

Day 16.
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did
suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17.
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference.....Christ!!! here he comes
again.

Day 18.
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the telly all day with that remote
control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.

Day 19.
What absolute bliss!!.

A DOG NAMED SEX

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or


"Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to
me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told
the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like
to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't
care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have
had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have
been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told
the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told
me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has
played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around
Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and
would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy
having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the
Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from
then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with
me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I
wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He
said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You
don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk
said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition


began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was
just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the
contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You
don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called
me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for


custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was
married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said,
"Same here!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4
o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case
comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more
damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the
other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist,
she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has
been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I
can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look
mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend
so go get yourself a dog."

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could
become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back
on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to
your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent
over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably
making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman.
She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down
lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her.
"Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you
arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it,
I noticed the preacher under the bed."

LITTLE FLAB

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt
and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was
on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You
know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by
his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid
of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they
first met. Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50
years ago?
We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and gave you one from behind?"
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well", said the little old man, "for old time's sake, let's go there again, and I'll give you one
from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has
overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two
old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them.

Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her
knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and
the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex
the young man has ever seen.

The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as
phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a
single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -
not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could
shag like that now, let alone in 50 years time!" The two old pensioners have by this time
recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up courage, the young man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I
have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you
shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f*****g fence wasn't electrified."

I PROMISE YOU WILL LAUGH

This is funny and I can't risk any bad luck. Never under estimate the little old Lady.....

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that
she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of
money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office
(the customer is always right!)

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!"
and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her,
"Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."


The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then
said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me
tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror
checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.

He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were
square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the
president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says
the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they
could all see. The president did.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely
sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President
asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of
Canada's president's balls in my hand."

A Roman Catholic nun is in charge of a Class of girls, and asks them what they would like to be
when grown up. One twelve-year old answers, "A prostitute."
The nun fainted. After a short while she revived, and looking at the girl she said, "what ...did
..you .. say . you . wanted to be?"

"A prostitute." Again replied the girl.

"Thank you Jesus," exclaimed the nun, "For a moment I thought you had said a Protestant."

A study was made recently to determine the average crime rate at international airports around
the world. The study made use of an ordinary looking man standing in the airport terminal and
reading a newspaper. He had an empty briefcase next to him, which he would ignore.

Observers then recorded how long it took for the briefcase to be snatched.

In Brussels the case was stolen within 4 minutes and 20 seconds.


In Washington DC it was stolen within 3 minutes and 16 seconds.
At Heathrow the briefcase was snatched in less than 2 minutes.
In New York, the case was stolen within 1 minute and 5 seconds.
In LA it took only 43 seconds before the case was snatched.

The experiment was going to be held at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport in Nairobi, Kenya,
but the people conducting the study were attacked by robbers on the way to the airport, beaten
severely and the briefcase stolen along with the car!

A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What's politics?" Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to
explain it to you this way.

"I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me "Capitalism. " Your Mom is the administrator
of the household, so we'll call her "The Government".

We're here to take care of YOUR needs so we'll call you "The People".

The nanny works hard all day for very little money so, we'll consider her "The Working Class."
And your baby brother, we'll call him "The Future." Now, think if it makes sense.
So, the little boy goes off to bed, thinking about what his Dad has said.

Later that night he hears his baby brother crying so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the
baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his
mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks into the
keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.


The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of
politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is
about".

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is
sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AMERICAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so
that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your
listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No
balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buy your bull.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times
the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-
wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who reported the
numbers.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute.

Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst into the room shouting, "Dad! Mom! I have some
great news! Nick asked me to marry him. He is like the biggest hunk in Washington. We are
supposed to get married next month.
Bill took Chelsea in the back and said, "Chelsea, you're mother, although an ideal administrator
and public speaker, has never had much to offer in the sack, so, as you might have heard, I have
been known to fool around with other ladies on occasion. Your boyfriend Nick happens to be the
product of one of my love making sessions. He is my son and thus, he is your half-brother."
Chelsea ran out of the office screaming, "Not another brother!"
She rushed to her mother's side, telling her about her all about dad's shameful behaviour and how
every man she dated turns out to be one of her father's illegitimate sons.
Hillary began to laugh and said, "Don't pay any attention to him. He isn't really your father
anyway."

A Man, His Wife, and the Cop


A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A
minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have
to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a
dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the
time?"
Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."

What is the difference between men and women?

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful
woman is one who can find such a man.
2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during
the night.
3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
want.
4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman
expecting that she won't change, and she does.
5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.
6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the
future until he gets a wife.
7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy
with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the
same thing!
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning
of a new argument.
10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the
ending of romance.

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her 9-year-old son
hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides
the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."


The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet
together.

Boy - "It's dark in here."


Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's
go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them


for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two
things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes
the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."


The priest says, "Don't start that shit in here!"

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open
them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!


Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always
understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than
you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the
easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are
interchangeable."

These are the top ten funniest excuse notes from parents collected by schools from all over this
country.
1. Please excuse Lola for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
2. Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
3. My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute her.
4. Please excuse Jenny. She has been sick and under the doctor.
5. Sandra won't be in school a week from today. We have to attend her funeral.
6. Please excuse Holly from Jim today. She is administrating.
7. Kevin was absent from school yesterday because he was playing football. He was damaged in
the growing part.
8. Amy could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins.
9. Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault.
10. Please excuse Jesse from school. He had very loose vowels.

Like Mother Like Daughter

A mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday and always ended up
fucking everybody around. Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose. One
day, the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married. Now, the man did not
know about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin. So he decided to leave any
lovemaking until their wedding night. The daughter began to worry about the condition of her
hole and consulted her mother, "Mum, I'm worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my
hole?" Mother said, "Don't worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your husband-to-be. Here's
what you do, place an apple in your hole and it will be tight and he won't even notice it." So the
daughter did what her mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband didn't
even notice. This went on for a few months. Now, every time the daughter wanted to bathe, she
would take out the apple and place it on the washbasin and after bathing, she would put it back in
her hole. One day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the washbasin. The
husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the apple for
him and he ate it, "Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted great!" Shocked, the daughter dare not
tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother, "Mum, I'm in deep shit now! I took
out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and Peter found the apple I left on
the washbasin and ate it! What should I do? Will he be poisoned? I'm scared, mum." Mother
said, "Don't worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the WATERMELON I left in the
washroom and he lived!"
CONSENT FORM SIGNED BEFORE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE:

This certifies that, I the undersigned female (hereafter referred to as the "screwee") is about to
enjoy sexual intercourse with ________________ (hereafter referred to as the "screwer").

I am above the lawful age of consent, I am in my right mind and I am not under the influence of
any narcotic substances. The aforementioned screwer need not use any force, threats, coercion or
promises to influence me. Furthermore I, the screwee, am in no fear of him whatsoever, and do
not expect or wish to marry him.

I do not know if he is married or not, and I do not care. I am neither asleep nor drunk, I'm
entering this relationship with him because I love it and want it as much as he does. In the event
whereby I receive the full satisfaction, which I expect, I declare in advance the capacity and
willingness to further participation as soon as time permits. In addition, I will not act as a witness
against him nor will I file charges against him should I fall pregnant, contract a sexual disease or
feel that he
is violating any legislation, moral, legal or otherwise.

Signed naked before jumping into bed on this _________ day of the _________ Month in the
year of our Lord 2002.

Signature of screwee

:___________________________

Date of birth
:___________________________

Date of conduct
:__________________________

Insanity

I thought you'll enjoy this.................I did.


At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See
if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Insist that your email address is: Xena_Warrior_Princess@companyname.com or


Elvis_the_King@companyname.com

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine
addictions, switch to espresso.

In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'

Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophet Jimmy."

Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist
to others that you like it that way.

Don't use any punctuation.

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your
boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.

Send email to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone
needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in stall 3."

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the
mood.

Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.

Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!"
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're
loose!"

Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that
do."

Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Every time you see a broom yell, "Honey, your mother is here!"

Before - You take my breath away


After - I feel like I'm suffocating
Before - Twice a night
After - Twice a month
Before - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac
Before - Saturday Night Fever
After - Monday Night Football
Before - Don't stop
After - Don't start
Before - Is that all you're having?
After - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey
Before - It's like I'm living in a dream
After - It's like he lives in a dorm
Before - $60/doz.
After - $1.50/stem
Before - Turbocharged
After - Jump-start
Before - We agree on everything
After - We can't agree on anything
Before - Victoria's Secret
After - Fruit-of-the-Loom

Before - Idol
After - Idle
Before - He's completely lost without me
After - Why won't he ever ask for directions?
Before - Time stood still
After - Where did the time go?
Before - Croissant and cappuccino
After - Bagel and instant
Before - I can hardly believe we found each other
After - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you
Before - Passion
After – Ration

Moral: Let's enjoy the good times before they're gone!!!


Please make sure you forward this back to me.......you'll see why at the end! Think about them
one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one..IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD specially
the thought at the
end.
1. Falling in love.

2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.

3. A hot shower.

4. No lines at the supermarket

5. A special glance.

6. Getting mail

7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.

8. Hearing your favourite song on the radio.

9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.

11. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.

12. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla!) (or strawberry)

13. A long distance phone call.

14. A bubble bath.

15. Giggling.

16. A good conversation.

17. The beach

18. Finding a 20 note in your coat from last winter.

19. Laughing at yourself.

20. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.

21. Running through sprinklers.


22. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

23. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

24. Laughing at an inside joke.

25. Friends.

26. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

27. Waking up and realising you still have a few hours left to sleep.

28. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).

29. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

30. Playing with a new puppy.

31. Having someone play with your hair.

32. Sweet dreams.

33. Hot chocolate.

34. Road trips with friends.

35. Swinging on swings.

36. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies
and drinking your favourite drink .

37. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along
without feeling stupid.

38. Going to a really good concert.

39. Making eye contact with a cute stranger

40. Winning a really competitive game.

41. Making chocolate chip cookies.

42. Having your friends send you home-made cookies.

43. Spending time with close friends.


44. Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends.

45. Holding hands with someone you care about.

46. Running into an old friend and realising that some things (good
or bad) never change.

47. Riding the best roller coasters over and over.

48. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much


desired present from you.

49. Watching the sunrise.

50. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another
beautiful day.

PASS ON THESE NATURAL HIGHS TO AT LEAST 7 PEOPLE IN THE NEXT HALF


HOUR
AND SOMETHING FANTASTIC WILL HAPPEN TO YOU IN THE NEXT FEW HOURS. Be
sure
to send it back to the person who sent it to you!

Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have
trouble remembering how to fly.

Turn To Stone

Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he
decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until
they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down

the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you
just saw a ghost!" The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched
anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!

Truck Driver

A truck driver was driving a fully loaded lorry to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting
down the equally steep slope, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road,
making wild and passionate love. In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was
nearing down on them. He realized that they were not going to stop or get out of his way, so he
slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Furious, he got out and walked to the
front of the truck.
He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What's the matter with you two? Didn't
you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed?" Eventually, the man looked up at
the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she
was coming and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes........."

Financial Needs

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife
stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The
husband realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the
next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on
three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes
over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set
of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does
not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis,
but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot
even believe what is going on. She says,! "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The
husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes
blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and
she is about to explode and then the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial
needs as a Man!!!

Dear Mr. President:

I am forced to write to you at this momentous time in this extraordinary public manner because
there is no other viable way I can reach you. I am also doubtful that though I could be counted as
a "Young Turk," having been born after independence, I would have been as lucky as Mr. Uhuru
Kenyatta, to have the unprecedented access to your ears. Unfortunately, both my parents were
not as lucky as Uhuru's parents; They never occupied any exalted place in the Kenyan polity. Be
that as it may,in view of your recent statements about Uhuru Kenyatta, I have a few questions,
which I hope you can answer for me - and by extension - for the silent Kenyans.

1. First, although you have repeatedly told Kenyans that you chose Uhuru because of his
exemplary qualities, you have never specifically listed what those qualities are. Could you be
very kind enough to explain to Kenyans the qualities that attracted you to uhuru and that you are
inviting Kenyans to accept? I am particularly interested in those aspects of Uhuru's qualities that
relate to public service, government administration, management, leadership and organization.

2. Second, when you tell us that Uhuru is so young yet very experienced and knowledgeable that
he should succeed you as president of the Republic of Kenya, you have always cited his marital
status and the fact that he has children. But Mr. President, if these are the strongest qualities for
the President of the Republic of Kenya, have you actually tallied how many other Kenyans of
Uhuru's age are married with children? If so, what are their chances of succeeding you?
3. Third, you have repeatedly told Kenyans to trust your judgement about Uhuru because of your
fifty-plus years in politics and your wisdom. But Mr. President, did you seriously consider and
consult the views of other Kenyans of your generation and political experience like Ramogi
Achien'g Oneko, Martin Shikuku and Bildad Kaggia?

4. Fourth, you have also exhorted Kenyans to support your favourite choice because he is not a
tribalist. However, could you please tell Kenyans when and how you discovered this ideal
quality in Uhuru?

5. Fifth, Mr. President, we have seen you traverse the full extent of our nation with Uhuru
Kenyatta, Jirongo, Sunkuli, Biwott and William Ruto, asking us to support these chosen sons of
Kenya as our next rulers. However, some us have wondered what message you are sending out to
young girls in Kenya when you ask them to support Sunkuli. Some of us have also been
wondering what kind of message you are giving to the financial markets and our friends abroad
when you ask Kenyans to vote for a Jirongo and a Ruto. And of course, we are still worried
about all those half-answered questions about Dr. Ouko's death and the aftermath of the aborted
inquiry into that death when we see you solicit the "power" of Mr. Biwot to help you "elect"
Uhuru to the presidency of the Republic of Kenya.
6. Sixth, you have told Kenyans numerous times that you love peace and that you would like to
leave Kenya a peaceful place to live in. If this is true Mr.President, then why do you find it so
difficult to accept our verdict that your choice is defective? If you truly love peace, why are you
putting Kenyans on a collision course? Have you cared to ask Kenyans why they have rejected
Uhuru as inexperienced?
7. Seventh, Mr. President is the statement you recently made in Kisumu about K.A.N.U.having
its owners. Were you misquoted or you meant what you said? And if indeed K.A.N.U. has its
owners, could you please Mr. President just explain to Kenyans who these are so that we do not
have to bother those owners again? And while still at it, could you also tell us when K.A.N.U.
was purchased by these people and for how much? Who sold K.A.N.U. to its new owners? What
happened to the old owners?

8. Eighth, Kenyans would like to know whether or not you are really serious about this Uhuru
Project or is it just like the other experiments you tried and abandoned before?

9. Ninth, If you love us so much as to go to the extent of bringing Uhuru to life from political
oblivion, why have you not done something to accelerate the stalled Constitutional Review
Process?

10. And finally Mr. President, what constitutional or legal basis allows you to use public
facilities like police and military equipment to campaign for Uhuru Kenyatta? Could you also
explain to Kenyans where both you and your entourage get the millions of shillings you have
dishing out at every campaign stop you have had? Once more, since I am not able to
communicate with you directly, could you please publish your response the same way my
questions have come to your attention?

I thank you sincerely for taking time off from your busy campaign swing across Kenya to
address these questions for us. May God give you more strength to fulfil your duties to the
Nation.
Yours faithfully,
TRUE KENYAN

And where r u all?

Good day.

Before You Leave

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with
a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her
with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving
home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I
brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her
shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out
of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because
the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit
into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there
anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"

Teeth

A blonde teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just
told me ..... Babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear." replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up, and she wouldn't
have to explain it in detail to her daughter.

"But then, when I have a baby," responded the blonde teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

Birthday Gift

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not
been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the
right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he
went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for
herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the
sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and
sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in
the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons
but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I
bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they
are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to
put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before
I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many
times I will kiss them during the coming year!

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

sample this!
=============
Subject: 10 reasons why Uhuru Should be President
Wanjira,

You and Kong'ani should be thrown into jail for seeming to go against our young and visionary
leader. Our visionary leader's main agenda is to create employment. How do you expect that to
happen if the heart of our capital city, Kenyatta avenue, is rid of street children?!!!!! The number
will, on the contrary, double, triple or even quadruple every year. That will create employment
in numerous sectors. One of the street children will also, automatically and most democratically,
be elected Mayor and then there will be no need to waist money on garbage collection, putting
up residential houses, paying salaries of city hall askaris and all that old generation garb. We
have vision, a lot of it, about which you are unlikely to know much. Where you belong is in the
dead opposition and you better go there HARAKA SANA!
BMM
> Kongani,
> You are mad!!! However, there are more reasons still why Uhuru should
> be president.

1. We do not need rename our roads, schools and other public


institutions with the new Presidents name.

2. Uhuru Park will remain the main arena for Public Holidays – better still it will receive
some better attention and you can be sure it won't be grabbed.

3. Kenyatta Avenue will remain the main street in Nairobi and better still will be rehabilitated
and cleaned off the street kids.

4. Kenyatta Hospital once renowned for its efficiency and success will go back to its old
King George glory days.

5. Kenyatta Market might just get an upgrade.

6. We could just get the Old Kenyatta note's back and sticking to one image on the money
just like the dollar.

7. Kenyatta University qualifications will start to hold more weight in the job market.

8. Uhuru gardens, a fantastic picnic spot will come to the fore of many who do not even
know it exists.

9. We get to keep Kenyatta Day and with Moi day scrapped we do not have to worry about
too many public holidays that have an adverse effect on our GDP.

10. The Kenyatta Stadium in Machakos will see some increased activity bringing some much
needed revenue to Ukambani - in line with the Osa Vinya Mukamba plan.

Add more that might come to mind but leave these Top 10 reasons intact.

11. Uhuru na Kazi motto may at long last bear fruit, ending the long stretch of joblessness.

12. Harambees will again mean pulling together for some worthy cause.

13. We will see a upsurge in the sell of the 'kenyatta' belt, thus an increase in the much
needed foreign exchange

14. We will get to see old bags retiring at 55 again as they will not be able to keep up with
the youthful energy soon to be unleashed.

15. Taxation on alcoholic beverages will be reduced to increase volume consumption, thus
still managing to have projected tax returns and a happier nation.

16. Dental care will cease to be a priority thus allowing the citizens to use their hard earned
disposable income on other needs including #15

17. Fewer fashion colleges in line with the lack of fashion sense by the office bearer, parents
can thus redeploy hard earned cash to other obligations including #15

18. Point 5s will get a confidence boost and it will be fashionable to date and even marry
them.

19. Academics and so-called hard work will cease to be a virtue in Kenya as Idlers and
Mommy's boys will rank very highly.

20. My favourite estate "Unyee" will have clean highrise buildings just like Nyayo Estate in
Embakasi

21. Many more Kenyans will know the Kiswahili word for Independence
22. Mungiki will replace the trainers at Kiganjo (a change is better than a rest) and we might just
see some good results (no need for police uniform, etc)

23. Thuggery will be everyone's stock-in-trade, with the conesquence that no one will need to
worry -- since we will all be thugs!

24. DC Mwango (as he then was) will be punished for publicly humiliating and shaving a school
teacher's goatee in the mid-80s.

25. The national call to action will shift from "harambee!!!" to "niaje!!!!" which will be more
familiar to the new President and his cronies.

26. We can shut down all churches and mosques and worship under a mugumo tree and thus use
church and mosque buildings as off-licences.

27. We replace cigarettes with snuff and thus finally we can declare: Snuff makes us equal, has
no equal.

28. Mungiki will ensure all Kenyan women undergo F.G.M. thus preserving our beloved
traditional values and keeping society moral.

29. Police will stop arresting people for drunken driving since they will be permanently drunk
themselves according to No. 15 above.

30. Since he is the only one who is above tribal politics, he will destroy all those who are below
tribal politics (all the rest of us!!) and he will then live happily ever after.

Subject: FW: The female loo experience

This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it
finally explains to all you men what takes us so long. My mother was a fanatic about public
toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the
seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct,
"Never, never sit on a public toilet seat." And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted
of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make
contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have peed down my leg. And we'd go home.
That was a long time ago. I've had lots of experience with public toilets since then, but I'm still
not particularly fond of public toilets, especially those with powerful, red-eye sensors. Those
toilets know when you want them to flush. They are psychic toilets. But I always confuse their
psychic ability by following my mother's advice and assuming The Stance. The Stance is
excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. This is most likely to
occur after watching a full-length feature film.
During the movie pee, it is nearly impossible to hold The Stance.
You know what I mean. You drink a two litter cup of Diet Coke, then sit still through a three-our
saga because, for God's sake, even if you didn't wipe or wash your hands in the bathroom, you'd
still miss the pivotal part of the movie or the second scene, in which they flash the leading man's
naked derriere.
So, you cross your legs and you hold it. And you hold it until that first credit rolls and you sprint
to the bathroom, about ready to explode all over your internal organs. And at the bathroom, you
find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in
there.
So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling
politely. And you finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is
occupied. You hope no one is doing frivolous things behind those stall doors, like blowing her
nose or checking the contents of her wallet. Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly
knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't
matter. You hang your handbag on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume The Stance.
Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly
hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs
experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off it,
you reach for the toilet paper.
Might as well be ready when you are done. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs
shake more. You remember the tiny napkin you wiped your fingers on after eating buttered
popcorn. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than
your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your
pocketbook whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door,
dropping your buttered popcorn napkin in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto
the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all
the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that
there was any, even if you had enough time to. Your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if
she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You
don't know what kind of diseases you could get." By this time, the automatic sensor on the back
of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and
then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper
dispenser for fear of being dragged to China. At that point, you give up. You're finished peeing.
You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet
wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure
out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a
dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile
politely at this point. One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a
piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long! as the Mississippi River. You yank the paper from
your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here You might need this."

At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a
copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. "What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed. This
is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home

A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" the man asked.
The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your
trouser pocket."
The man then said "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on."
The wife apologised and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even
bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
"Your horse phoned."

...and here comes another dossier!!!!

Moi running scared of Uhuru's homosexuality


From: Kanu insider - Mon, Sep 09, 7:26 AM

Moi sacked Peter Odoyo as assistant minister Foreign Affairs after Odoyo threatened to reveal
sordid details of Uhuru's time in Boston. What Moi fails to realise is that the truth is coming out
before Uhuru becomes president and not after. Moi's plan is to bring the Kikuyu to ridicule by
plugging a homosexual as the next president. This is his way of avenging the treatment meted
out to him when he was VP by the Kiambu mafia. The Kiambu mafia are driven by blindness
and only care that one of their own will be president. Until this weekend, Uhuru was an easy sell
but knowing Kenyans distaster for homosexuals, Uhuru is going to be a hard sell. Moi never
forgets nor forgives and this is his way of paying back the Kikuyu in spades. Kenyans have not
seen anything yet and the next few days promise to be very ugly indeed.

1.This guy has no "CV"... no company will hire him coz he has a lot of blanks in his CV. He's
been doing zero, nothing for so many years. The job he got with the Tourist Association, was as
a result of his mum pleading with Mo1 to give him something to do - sources confirm.

2.This guy has never seen the reason to work – a member of the board of directors at Egerton -
not even one meeting did he attend. As the chairman of the the Kenya Tourist "whatever" - never
did he travel to sell Kenya abroad.

3.The Kenyatta family owns Brookside, Kenya Aerotech, NAS etc. Not even Kenyatta's
immediate family will entrust Uhuru to run any of these Companies. Muhoho runs them. Who is
he to manage Kenya.

4.We know he's a drunkard, as confessed by those waiters at Grand Regency,but more so this
guy is lazy as a pig. I can never envision this guy waking up at 5:00 am to be in his office by
6:30 am.Kenya needs a "workaholic" leader(the likes of Raila, Saitoti, Nyachae, Kibaki) and not
a "slacker" like Uhuru – no wonder he was late for his father's memorial in August.....

5.Why is it that's it's only his Mum that has endorsed him to succeed Mo1. What about the rest of
the K family? They know something - we don't.

6.He's not smart enough to realise that he is being used as a genie pig coz Moi's intention is to
look for a kyuk within Kanu to match up with Kibaki. No regard to Kenya's interest - anything
for Kanu to win to protect Moi's interests in retirement. As Kibaki calls it tribal arithmetics.

7.Has he been part of a team to draft, or better still to look at, Kanu's manifesto - No. Kenya
Budget - No. Fiscal Policy - No. Foreign Policy - No Constitution of Kenya - No.......

8.Before Moi, this guy had never won an election - reason's are he had no development track
record and has never had any. Someone says: Uhuru should be send to cape town, we'll be
having the Gay Pride march soon...sure he can earn some votes there! He belongs to Chama cha
Rear Movement (CRM). Watu wa Nyuma. The guy is an ass-pounder, he is a weirdo and
honestly seems high on a mixture of grass and petrol.

Please spread the word like wild fire!! Pass it on....

Subject: MY MOM....
Hi, I'm sorry about this fwd.
My name is Jasmine. I'm 11 years old. My mommy worked on the 20th floor in the World Trade
Tower. On Sept. 11 2001 my daddy drove my mom to work. She was running late so she left her
purse in the car. My daddy seen it so he parked the car and went to give her the purse.
That day after school my daddy didn’t come to pick me up. Instead a police man came and took
me to foster care . Finally I found out why my daddy never came.. I really loved him.... They
never found his body.. My mom is in the Hospital since then.. She is losing lots of blood..
She needs to go through surgery.. But since my daddy is gone and no one is working..
We have no money .. And her surgery cost lots of money.. So the Red Cross said that for every
time this email is fwd we will get 10 cent for my mom's surgery. So please have a heart and fwd
this to everyone you know I really miss my daddy and now I dont want to lose my mommy too..

R.I.P. Daddy..(James Thomas)

WHEN YOU FWD PLEASE ALSO FWD TO THIS LETTER BACK TO ME...
AT.... jasNmom2001@yahoo.com <mailto:jasNmom2001@yahoo.com>
SO THAT THE REDCROSS PEOPLE CAN COUNT THE FWDS.
thank you for taking your time to fwd this email this really means alot me and my future..
love,
Jasmine
Heart warming. Have a blessed day---Ciru

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She
would occasionally walk around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was
working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher
paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or
looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5 and 6 year-
olds. After explaining the commandment "Honor thy Father and thy mother," she asked,
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

One little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after
class. "How did that happen?, " gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She
suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast
to her
brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs
white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or
unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. The little girl thought about this revelation for a
while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A 3-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly
informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the
bottom."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each
to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are
all grown up and say: "There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer, or That's Michael. He's a doctor."

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying To make the matter
clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head, The blood, as you know would run into
it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For weeks, a 6-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or
sister
that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements
of the unborn child. The 6-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever became of that
baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and
confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the
bathroom, hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the
room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"

If you have a friend who would like to join this joke list and get a new joke everyday have
them send mail to jokes@rgiskard.bio.uci.edu with the subject SUBSCRIBE (using other
subjects or addresses WILL cause delays)

I'm always looking for new jokes too, so if you see anything funny that you think others
might like, please mail it to me!

Check out the auto jokemailer on the web at:


http://rgiskard.bio.uci.edu/~jokes

Go Git Yo Mamma
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the
first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife
shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never
seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a
wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened
and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy
and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up
sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy,
go git yo Momma....

1-Symptôme : Pieds froids et humides.


Cause : Ton verre est incliné sous un angle incorrect.
Solution : Tourner le verre jusqu'a ce que la partie ouverte soit vers le haut.

2-Symptôme : Pieds chauds et mouillés.


Cause : Ca y est, tu t'es pissé dessus.
Solution : Va te sécher aux toilettes les plus proches.

3-Symptôme : Le comptoir est en émail blanc.


Cause : Vous n'êtes toujours pas sorti des toilettes.
Solution : Appelez a l'aide.

4- Symptôme : Vous n'avez pas la bière que vous avez commandé depuis ¼ d'heure.
Cause : Le comptoir est derrière vous.
Solution : Retournez-vous, votre bière est la.

5-Symptôme : Le mur d'en face est plein de lumières.


Cause : Tu es tombé sur le dos.
Solution : Positionne ton corps à 90 degrés par rapport au sol.

6- Symptôme : Ta bouche est pleine de mégots.


Cause : T'as piqué du nez sur le cendrier.
Solution : Retire tout ça et régale-toi la bouche avec un bon gin tonic.

7- Symptôme : Vue troublée.


Cause : Tu regardes à travers un verre vide.
Solution : Redemande une tournée de ta boisson favorite.

8- Symptôme : Le sol se déplace sous tes pieds.


Cause : Deux videurs te sortent du bar.
Solution : Demande au moins où ils t'emmènent.

9-Symptôme : Reflets multiples de visages te regardant fixement dans l'eau.


Cause : Tu es dans les toilettes, essayant de vomir.
Solution : Mets-toi un doigt dans la gorge.

10- Symptôme : Les gens autour de toi parlent avec un écho mystérieux.
Cause : Tu as le verre dans l'oreille.
Solution : Arrête de faire le crétin.

11-Symptôme : La disco bouge beaucoup, les gens sont habillés en blanc et


la musique est assez monotone.
Cause : Tu es dans une ambulance.
Solution : Ne pas bouger. Possible coma éthylique.

12-Symptôme : Ton père a l'air très bizarre et tes frangins te regardent d'un air étonné.
Cause : Tu t'es gourré de maison.
Solution : Demande leur s'ils peuvent t'indiquer où est la tienne.

13- Symptôme : Un énorme spot de la disco t'aveugle.


Cause : Tu es allongé dans la rue et il fait déjà jour.
Solution : Café et une petite goutte pour se remettre...

The bride tells her husband: "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex.
Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private
place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the
prison." And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the
bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles: "Honey the prisoner seems to
have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles: "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time
they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes. But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new
experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he
lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped
again." Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it's not life imprisonment!"

"A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman
below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend
I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're
in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an
engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well,"
answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to
make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all.
If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in
Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman,
"you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are -- due to
a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

guess this is what happens in reall life !!!!!!!.................Have a good weekend.


-----------------------------
1. Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after
marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.

2. There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that
he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and now he is going thru hell.

3. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds :"Wife wanted ". Next day,
he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing : "You can have mine."

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

5. It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a
car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you
can be sure he is married.
6. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, " If
you don't promise to send us $100,000 I swear that we will kidnap your wife."
The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope
you will keep yours."

7. What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having trouble with my
wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30
days." "But that ought to make you happy." "It did, but today is the last day."

Objet : Précepte chinois

L'ARGENT
Il peut acheter une maison
Mais pas un foyer

Il peut acheter un lit


Mais pas le sommeil

Il peut acheter une horloge


Mais pas le temps

Il peut acheter un livre


Mais pas la connaissance

Il peut acheter une position


Mais pas le respect

Il peut payer le médecin


Mais pas la santé.

Il peut acheter du sang


Mais pas la vie

Il peut acheter du sexe


Mais pas de l'amour

PRÉCEPTE CHINOIS
Un précepte chinois doit apporter la chance.
L'original estconservé aux Pays-Bas. Ce précepte a déjà fait 8 fois le tour de la terre. Maintenant
c'est à toi qu'il apportera la chance Après réception de cette lettre tu auras de la chance.
Ceci n'est pas une blague. La chance viendra à toi par la poste ou internet.
Envoie la copie de cette lettre à des personnes qui ont besoin de chance.
N'envoie pas d'argent, car la chance ne s'achète pas. Ne conserve pas la lettre plus de 96 heures,
dès lors elle doit être transmise.
Des ex. de ce qui s'est passé: Constentin a reçu la 1° lettre en 1953, il demanda à sa secrétaire
d'en faire 20 copies. 9 jours + tard il gagna 9 million de marks à la loterie de son pays.
Karlos, un employé, reçu cette lettre et l'oublia, quelques jours plus tard,il perdit son emploi. Par
la suite il envoya cette lettre en continuant lachaîne et devint fortuné.
En 1967, Bruno reçu cette lettre, il en rit et la jeta.
Qq. jours plus tard son fils naquit malade. Il rechercha la lettre, la copia 20 fois et l'envoya. 9
jours tard, l'heureuse nouvelle arriva, son fils était sauvé et avait retrouvé la santé.
N'oublie pas, n'envoie pas d'argent et ne signe pas.
Envoie simplement 20 copies et attends de voir ce qui se passera le 9° jour.
Le précepte a été écrit par un missionnaire aux Antilles.
Je te l'envoie car elle doit faire le tour de la terre.
Envoie 20 copies a tes connaissances, tes ami (e) s, a ta famille.
Qq. jours + tard, tu recevras de bonnes nouvelles ou tu auras une excellente surprise.
Ceci est vrai, même si tu n'es pas superstitieux (se).
>Cette feuille est envoyée en guise de bonne chance. Elle provient de la Nouvelle Angleterre et
a fait le tour du monde 9 fois.
Grâce à qqn qui vous aime bien, la chance vient maintenant de vous être envoyée. Vous
recevrez la chance en moins de
>4
> > jours dès réception
> > > > de
> > > > >> >>> >cette lettre qui vous est destinée.
> > > > >> >>> >
> > > > >> >>> >C'est à votre tour maintenant de le renvoyer.
> > N'envoyer pas
> > > > >> >>> >d'argent, mais des copies à des gens qui
> > auraient besoin de chance.
> > > > >> >>> >N'envoyer pas d'argent car la foi n'a pas de
> > prix. Ne gardez pas
> > > > >> >>> >cette lettre, elle doit quitter vos mains
>d'ici
> > 96 heures. S'il vous
> > > > >> >>> >plaît envoyez des copies et voyez ce qui se
> > produira d'ici 4 jours.
> > > > >> >>> >
> > > > >> >>> >La chance provient du Venezuela et a été
>écrite
> > par Anthony de
> > > > >> >>> >Croud, un missionnaire d'Afrique du Sud. La
> > lettre doit faire le
> > > > tour
> > > > >> du
> > > > >> >>> >monde, c'est pourquoi vous devez faire 20
> > copies et les envoyer à
> > > > vos
> > > > >> >>> >amis,...
> > > > >> >>> >
> > > > >> >>> >Après qq. jours, vous recevrez une surprise ;
> > ceci est vrai,
> > > > >> >>> >même si vous n'êtes pas superstitieux. En
>1987
> > la lettre fut reçu
> > > > par
> > > > >> >>> >une jeune californienne qui constata qu'elle
> > était illisible. Elle
> > > > >fit
> > > > >> >>> >la promesse de la refaire à la dactylo, mais
> > l'a mise de côté pour
> > > > la
> > > > >> >>> >faire + tard. Elle ne se débarrassera pas de
>la
> > lettre dans les 96
> > > > >> >>> >heures. + tard elle vint à la réécrire,
> > l'envoya telle que promis et
> > > > >> eut
> > > > >> >>> >une voiture neuve.
> > > > >> >>> >
> > > > >> >>> >N'oubliez pas : N'ENVOYEZ PAS D'ARGENT
> > N'IGNOREZ PAS CETTE
> > > > >> >>> >LETTRE CA FONCTIONNE VRAIMENT

Another chuckle from work. A couple of years ago our company hired a new head of sales. He
was the nephew of the owner's wife and that was all he had going for him. In his brief stay with
us he did a lot of obnoxious things but this was my favourite. As his first official act he decided
to save the company money by cutting down the sales staff and decided the way to do that was to
fire the highest paid sales person on staff. Of course she was also the top sales person. He invited
her to breakfast at a local coffee shop, where we all gathered frequently, so the staff there knew
us. After being served coffee he cooly informed her that she was being dismissed. The lady just
smiled at him and tossed her coffee right in his face. A heads up waitress rushed over and
chirped "Refill Mam?" It was priceless!

BEIJING, CHINA (AheadOfNews.com) - New laws against spitting and littering went into
effect this week in Beijing, resulting in many fines and quite a few arguments.
Some said that the government had deliberately not publicised the new laws in order to get more
money from fines. The government denies that, saying that the law against spitting or littering
was even better publicised than most new laws.
So far, most of the fines in Beijing have been for spitting, although there are a fair number of
fines for carelessly disposed cigarette butts.
Two brothers claim that they are being unfairly singled out by the new law, and intend to take
the government to court over the issue. Pthpt Li and his brother Sptchpt Li say they've being
repeatedly fined, just for introducing themselves.

We might be best friend some year,

Pretty good friends the next year,

don't talk that often the next year,

and don't want to talk at all the year after that.

So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and
you have made a difference in my life, I look up to you, respect you, and truly cherish you.
...but most of all it is because I luv you!
Send this to all your friends, no matter how often you talk, or how close you are, and send it to
the person who sent it to you.
Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them, and tell new friends you never will.
Remember, everyone needs a friend, someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all,
just remember this e-mail and take comfort in knowing somebody out there cares about you and
always will

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not
to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he
says happens at home."

An old man made it shakily through the door to Joe Conforte's Mustang Ranch, outside Reno,
Nevada. The receptionist stared at him. "You gotta be in the wrong place," she exclaimed. "What
are you looking for?" "Ain't this the famous Mustang Ranch? Ain't this where you got four or
five girls ready-n-able?" The receptionist looked perplexed. "Ready for what?" "I want a girl,"
the old man rasped. "I wanna get some action." "How old are you, Pop?" she asked. "Ninety-
two," he replied. "Ninety-two? Pop, you've HAD it!" "Oh," said the old man, a little disconcerted
as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "How much do I owe you?"

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to
ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You
graduated from the University of Florida. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much
would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."

" A hold-up man came into the loan company office, ordered everyone to take off their clothes
and lie face down on the floor. One cute young secretary removed her clothes, but lay down face
up. Her boss, lying next to her, whispered: . "Turn over, Miss Jones. This is a holdup, not an
office party. "
"MONKEY'S VIEWPOINT"
Three monkey's sat in a coconut tree, Discussing things as they're said to be. Said one to the
others, "now listen, you two" There's a certain rumour that can't be true; That man descended
from our noble race; The very idea is a disgrace. No monkey ever deserted his wife, starved her
babies and ruined her life. And you have never known of a monkey to leave her babies with
others to bunk, or pass them on from one to another, till they scarcely know who their mother is.
And another thing you'll never see, a monkey build a fence around a coconut tree. And let the
coconuts go to waste, forbidding all monkeys a taste; Why, if I put a fence around the tree,
starvation would force you to steal from me! Here's another thing a monkey won't do--- Go out at
night and get in a stew, or use a gun or a club or a knife, To take some other monkey's life. Yes,
man descended, the ornery cuss, But, brother, he didn't descend from us!

There was a fire in the boarding house where all the chorus girls from a nearby burlesque theater
stayed during showruns. It took firemen three hours to put the fire out. Then it took the police
three more hours to put the firemen out.

Dis is fuuunny!!!

Roger went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first
you've got to promise not to laugh." "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a
professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Roger said, and
proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest p*nis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to
control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to
his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a
gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen."

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.
Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. "Oh," I said, "So now you're
speaking to me." He looked confused, "What are you talking about?" "Haven't you noticed I
haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged. "No," he said, "I just thought we were
getting along."

United Nations Strike Force....

There is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a combined strike force with troops from
several nations included in it.

Could it work? Let's take a look at one operation. A combined force beach landing on a tropical
island. When the troops hit the beach.........

The Royal Marines go fishing.


The US Marines wait for CNN to arrive.
The French don't care whose beach it is; it's French territory now, and say the English gave them
no other choice.
The Canadians watch the Americans very closely, then offer guard their landing strip.
The Dutch have a beach party and smoke some dope saying the English don't understand them.
The Italians go sunbathing.
The Germans land and build a car factory.
The West Indians go looking for the Dutch.
The Austrians just watch the Russians and Germans.
The Chinese win the natives hearts and minds then kill them.
The SEALs arrive after dark and kill anyone who is not a SEAL.
The Aussies and Kiwis land then start fighting each other over a sheep.
The South Americans send a contingent of 2000 generals.
The South Africans start shooting at anyone with a tan.
The Saudi's start drilling for oil.
The Russians open a chain of massage parlours.
The Brit airborne troops get charged with murder even though they
have not opened fire yet.
The Spanish are late.
The Portuguese are late but blame the Spaniards.
Delta Force makes a movie about the landing.
The Greeks and Turks turn up then send a bill to the Yanks and Brits.
The British Army cannot come because all six of them have flu.
The Japanese don't know who owns what ships and decide to sink them all.
The Californian National Guard contingent won't land until someone opens a Starbucks.
The New Yorkers paint their Amtrak's yellow and will take you ashore for 50 bucks.
The Irish Army will be late because they say they are still celebrating St. Patrick's Day.
The Israeli's start building a kibbutz and shell the Palestinians as a precaution.
The Scandinavians like it off shore and stay there killing whales for the Japanese.
The Polish tunnel under the beach looking for coal.
The Palestinians say it used to be theirs but the English gave it away.
The Oklahomans have no damn idea what a beach is.
The Scottish claim to have found the beach first but accuse the English of stealing it.
The Texans look for anyone bad mouthing them.
The Mexicans invade Arizona by mistake.
The Welsh say it's King Arthur's last resting place but the English stole it.
The Swiss apply for a bank charter.
The Lybians blow up two UN planes.
The UN will send an Ambassador if the member states pay their dues.
The Kentuckians open a KFC.
The Panamanians ask the U.S. what they should do.
The Floridians demand a recount and free Prozac.
The EU want to set up a commission of 50,000 administrators paid for by the English.
The Swedes just want to screw.
The Michigan contingent issue a safety recall and sue General Motors.
The Matell Corp. sends 10,000 GI Joe's and one Barbie.
Some guy from Tennessee swears that Elvis and Jimmy Dean are just over the dunes.
The Rumanians and Albanians finally arrive and surrender.
The Coloradans cut off the Kansan's water supply.
H. M. The Queen will give anyone a Knighthood if they can grab her a few hundred acres or find
a job for Charles.
The New Hampshire contingent declares that everyone there is Sooooo Cruel and open a soup
kitchen.
The North Koreans have no idea what is going on but blame America anyway.
Washington State NG builds a monument to Bill Gates.
The Pakistanis build a Motel Six, a convenience store and gas station.
Jimmy Carter arrives and declares peace.

The funniest thing about women in bad relationships is that when they catch the no good, lying,
bastard cheating on them... it could be in her own house, in her own bed, whatever... And She
catches him in the act all he has to say is "Baby, let me explain" and she actually stands there and
listens to his crap...sometimes believing it!

A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a
field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows
looking at him. "I believe it's your radiator," said the cow. The man nearly jumped right out of
his city slicker britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. "A cow just
gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms franticly back toward the field. The
farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the field. "The cow with
two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly. "Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man
replied. "Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't pay any
attention to her. She doesn't know a darn thing about cars."

"What does love mean?" ***** A group of professional people posed this question to a group of
4 to 8-year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than
anyone could have imagined. See what you think...
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So
my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca - age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is
safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and
smell each other." Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making
them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to
him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
"Love is what's in the room with you a Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby
- age 5
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend whom you hate." Nikka - age 6
"There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both of them." Jenny - age 4
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day." Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know
each other so well." Tommy - age 6
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at
night." Clare - age 5
"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5
"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert
Redford." Chris - age 8
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age
4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and
buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves
me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her." Bethany - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
Karen - age 7
"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a
lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

TACO HELL by Peter Leppik The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while
it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things. On my way home from the
second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to
eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure
that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at
me. Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go." Server: "Is that it?" Me: "Yep."
Server: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?" Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication]." At this
point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and Server: "Uh,
hang on a sec, I'll be right back." He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The
following conversation occurs between the two of them. Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
Manager: "No. A what?" Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me." Manager: "Ask for
something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL." Server: "Yeah, thought so." He
comes back to me and says Server: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?" Me: "Just
this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?" Server: "I don't know." Me: "See here where it says
legal tender?" Server: "Yeah." Me: "So, shouldn't you take it?" Server: "Well, hang on a sec." He
goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift. Server: "He says I have
to take it." Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?" Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you
can open the safe and get change." Manager: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN
HERE." [My emphasis] Server: "What should I do?" Manager: "Tell him to come back later
when he has REAL money." Server: "I can't tell him that, you tell him." Manager: "Just tell
him." Server: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back." The manager approaches me and says
Manager: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it was 8pm and this particular Taco
Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.] Me: "Well, here's a two." Manager:
"We don't take *those* either." Me: "Why the hell not?" Manager: "I think you *know* why."
Me: "No really, tell me, why?" Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security." Me: "Excuse
me?" Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security." Me: "What the hell for?" Manager:
"Please, sir." Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them." Manager: "Would you please just leave?" Me:
"No." Manager: "Fine, have it your way then." Me: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?" At this
point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have
two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.
A few minutes later this 45 year old-ish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a
whisper] Security: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?" Manager: "This guy is trying to give me some
[pause] funny money." Security: "Really? What?" Manager: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."
Security: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [Incredulous] Manager: "I don't know? He's kinda
weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty." Security: "So, the fifty's fake?" Manager: "NO,
the $2 is." Security: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?" Manager: "I don't know. Can you talk to
him, and get him out of here?" Security: "Yeah..." Security guard walks over to me and says
Security: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use." Me: "Uh, no."
Security: "Lemme see 'em." Me: "Why?" Security: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?" At
this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said Me: "I'm just
trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill." I put the bill up near his face, and he
flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands,
and says Security: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?" Manager: "It's fake." Security: "It doesn't
look fake to me." Manager: "But it's a **$2** bill." Security: "Yeah?" Manager: "Well, there's
no such thing, is there?" The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it
dawned on the guy that he had no clue. My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and
those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what
happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail.
At least you get free food.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective Sherlock Holmes, was not
above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. In one situation, he was
waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he placed his
suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it. 'Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?' asked the taxi
driver. Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. 'No, sir, I
have never seen you before.' The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan Doyle.
'This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-
stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you
have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you're a
writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. And so, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur
Conan Doyle.' Doyle remarked, 'This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counterpart to my
fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes.' 'There is one other thing,' the driver said. 'What is that?'
'Your name is on the front of your suitcase.'

"We're tired of being a haven for all these aging hippies and socially inept academics," says the
mayor. "We're part of the midwest, but everyone thinks we're a bunch of granola-eating,
Birkenstock-wearing weenies. We're not! We drink more beer per capita than Chicago, and not
even Milwaukee can touch our bratwurst consumption."
According to sources on the city council, the name change is just the first part of the plan. "Next,
we plan to find a lot of average people, and encourage them to move to Generic."
When asked what they meant by "average", our source replied "Well, currently we're looking for
people with 2.5 kids..."

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After some time in the
wilderness he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The
director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage
at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb,
sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is
thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the
time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers
the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming
with laughter, but the director is steaming! "You half-wit! You bloody fool!" he cries. "You have
ruined me!" The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I fluff my line?" "No!" screams the
director. "You forgot the bloody rose!"

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a
group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. Little Johnny stopped and looked
at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?" He told him he was a priest
and this is the uniform priests wear. Little Johnny pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and
asked, "Do you have an owie?" The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab
looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to Little Johnny, to show him. On
the back of the tab were raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer. Little Johnny felt the
letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?" "Yes I do," said Little
Johnny, who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and
fleas up to six months!"

My accountant father and my artist mother have very different views on balancing a checkbook.
Mom usually kept the checkbook, but when Dad retired, he took over all the financial duties. He
was really taken aback when he looked over the checkbook and found only dollar amounts
recorded. It seems Mom hadn't wanted to deal with any more math than she had to, so she'd
eliminated the cents from every check. She'd round up if the partial dollar amounts were 50 cents
or more and drop those under 50 cents. Dad feverishly went through stacks of canceled checks
and registers, trying to correct her method. The difference in seven years of dollars only? Sixteen
cents.

A group of burglars (of a particular hair color) were robbing a bank. One of them pointed a gun
at a teller's head and shouted: "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!" The
cashier laughed and said, "You mean H I S T O R Y!" The burglar shouted back, "Don't change
the subject."
Once upon a time... when my family was eating at a KFC, my brother was sent to the counter to
get more honey-mustard sauce for the chicken strips. He was informed that it would be 45 cents
for another little container. Dad gave him the money when he came back to the table for it, and
my brother, about six at the time, took care of the transaction. After everyone was finished
eating... my father, being one who can really make a point and not too happy about the cost of
the fast food meal, sent my same twin brother to the counter to inquire, loudly, "How much are
toothpicks?". The place roared.

One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's new car. Suddenly, some jerk
pulled in front of them. The blonde then put her lips on the steering wheel. The brunette feared
for her life, but had the courage to ask, "What are you doing?!" The blonde calmly replied, "I'm
trying to blow the horn."

MIND GAMES DOGS PLAY WITH HUMANS 1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T
LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the
sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime. 2. Act like a convicted
criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down
and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search
the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have
done absolutely nothing wrong.) 3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it
perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the
humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about. 4. Make your humans be patient.
When you go outside to go 'pee,' sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the
spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth. 5. Draw attention to the
human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo.' Take your
time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have
forgotten to bring a plastic bag. 6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing
every time a strange human walks by. 7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick
when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while. 8. Hide from
your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from
them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of
your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears). 9. When your human calls you to come back
in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door. 10. Wake up twenty
minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your
morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep
after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

"Mom, I'm pregnant," announced a teen. "How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?"
asked her mom. "That I should take measures. And that's what I did! I took measures and went
with the biggest."

Of all of the nutty things my crazy country cousins and I did as children, one of the funniest
happened when we were supposed to be grown-up. My oldest cousin got married right out of
college, to a home comming queen. She is a beautiful blond who refers to her father as "My
daddy the colonel". After a brief and sometimes stormy marriage, she left him for a richer man,
his boss. My cousin is not a very good loser, but not being the violent type, it took him a while to
figure out how to avenge his loss. Finally, his chance came when mutual friend of both families
got married. They invited everyone to the wedding, including my cousins ex-wife. She attended,
looking ravishing, driving her boyfriend's new BMW. The whole day she showed off her
engagment ring, bragged about where they planned to go on the honeymoon and generally
rubbed it in my cousin's face. He remained amazingly calm through it all. After the reception we
found out why. While everyone was in the church basement at the reception, he slipped out to
the parking lot and firmly placed a condum over the exaust pipe of the BMW. Later. when
everyone was leaving and his Ex was pulling out in the BMW, waving and smilimg like a float
queen, the condum inflated to giagantic proportions and just as she turned the corner it exploded
with a loud "BANG". She ran the car up on the sidewalk and jumped out, not knowing what had
happened. My cousin rushed over to calm her down, he assured her that it was just a backfire,
but suggested that she have her boyfriend check the exaust pipe when she got home. We spent
the rest of the evening laughing and speculating on the scene of him finding the remains on the
exaust pipe. (Yes Alex Bern, we discussed this in the forum)
A guy goes into a bar and picks up a tall woman. After a night of drinking and dancing they go
back to his place. She unzips his fly and starts playing with his dick. "Wow," he says, "you really
know how to handle a dick!" "I should," she replies, "I used to have one."

The Remote (True Story) Several years ago when my little sister was still in high school. She
was sitting on the couch doing her math homework. She had been working on it for a while,
when she started having some problems figuring the answers in her head. She reached down and
picked up the T.V. remote and started pushing the numbers. After several seconds she realized
what she was doing and laid the remote down hoping no one had seen her. At this point I
couldn't hold the laughter any longer and she knew I had seen. (She is a true blonde and I still
tease her about it to this day.)

Father: Why don't you get yourself a job? Son: Why? Father: So you could earn some money.
Son: Why? Father: So you could put some money in a bank and earn interest. Son: Why? Father:
So that when you're old you can use the money in your account...and you would never have to
work again. Son: I'm not working now.

According to my mom, my dad was with me once when I was a teenager and I had to have an
operation. Pop was watching every move the doctor made. At one point he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anaesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing." "Save
your time, Doc," Pop explained, "He don't know nothing now."

A farmer and his son were working hard on his barn when a city boy stopped to ask for
directions. After helping the lost driver, the farmer went back to jacking up the small barn while
putting blocks of wood under each corner. The city boy just had to ask, "What are you doing?"
"Well," said the farmer, "My prize mule keeps scraping his ears on the barn each time he goes
through the door and I just can't have that." "Why don't you just dig a little ditch that goes under
the doorway?" The farmer said, "Thanks, I'll think about it" and the driver pulled away. As the
car heads down the road, the farmer turned to his son, "Dumb city slicker. The mule keeps
scraping his ears, not his feet!"

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.

From Colorado... You know the 'correct' pronunciation of Buena Vista. Sun block SPF 90 is not
unreasonable. April showers bring May blizzards. You have stood on solid ground & looked
down on an airplane in flight. You see someone riding a Harley in a snowstorm, & you look
closer to see if it's someone you know. Timberline is someplace you have actually been, many
times. You actually know who Alferd Packer was. People from other states breathe 5 times more
often than you. Having a Senator named 'Nighthorse' doesn't seem strange. A full moon has
never kept you awake. You have a $1500 stereo in a $300 pickup truck. Knowing that Texas and
California are downstream gives you a certain feeling of satisfaction when you flush. You have a
MBA business degree and are frying burgers at a McDonald's in Vail. You own a big dog named
Aspen, Buck, Cheyenne, Tex, or Dakota that wears a bandanna. You think a pass does not
involve a football or a woman. You are 62 years old and take up snowboarding. Your real Y2K
fear was running out of Celestial Seasonings tea and trail mix. You get depressed after one day
of cloudy weather. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike on top of your $500 car. You think that
formal wear is ironed denim. North means "mountains to the left;" south is "mountains to the
right;" East and west are where all those damn liberals keep moving in from. You go anywhere
else on the planet and the air feels "sticky" and you notice the sky is no longer blue. You
consider a three-piece suit to be a pair of shorts, a sweatshirt, & hiking boots. Your bridal
registry is at REI. Boulder means left-wing nuts; Colorado Springs means right-wing nuts. In
Colorado there is an additional season..."Road Construction."

"THE JUNE BUG"

Tiny little June bug, across the open meadow flying.


Constantly on the move, a life that's death defying.
Trying to escape the birds, during the day in flight.
Then the bats radar, who hunts them late at night.

Nearly missing a cars windshield, as he crosses a road.


Then the long sticky tongue, of a very hungry toad.
Nearly crushed by a shoe, as he sat on the ground.
A boys string, where in circles he would fly around.

Always hiding and dodging, just so his life to live.


He's not in any hurry, his last breath to give.
He's lasted half the summer, and is now very quick.
As a fast learner, he knows about every trick.

Then late one night, he was searching for his food,


and was feeling very happy, in a careless mood.
He came to a house, a strange light he decided to tap.
Over to it he flew, the last sound he heard was zzzap.

BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) - Some Walmart customers soon will be able to sample a new
discount item -- Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with
E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $6-8
range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine
into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of
marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."
So here we go: The top 12 suggested names for Walmart Wine: 12. Chateau Traileur Parc 11.
White Trashfindel 10. Big Red Gulp 9. Grape Expectations 8. Domaine Walmart "Merde du
Pays" 7. NASCARbernet 6. Chef Boyardeaux 5. Peanut Noir 4. Chateau des Moines 3. I Can't
Believe It's Not Vinegar! 2. World Championship Riesling 1. Nasti Spumante

The quickest dental appointment I've ever had was when I sat in the dentist's chair, opened my
mouth and had him exclaim: "WOW! you sure do have a lot of teeth!" You better believe I
grabbed my things and was out the door. Who wants a dentist who's major patients were in the
'Dirty South' and a "lot of teeth" is more than four? He just wouldn't know what to do!!!

I WISH I WAS A PIG ANYTIME

Subject: Sexual Anecdotes

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex


with animals, but the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a


woman's genitals, but is prohibited from
looking directly at them during the examination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of Wood at all times.
(Ouuch! A brick, that hurts??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is


decapitation.
( I'd rather "go blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to


travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
privilege of having sex for the first time...
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to
marry.

(I wonder how their job-ads read: WANTED: VIRGIN DEFLOWERER WITH 5


YEARS EXPERIENCE. Those without any experience need not apply)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her


adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's lover,on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England


- but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with


her husband, and the first time this happens, her
mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought. Can anyone think of a faster way
to impotency?)

Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they
had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from


vending machines with one exception: prophylactics
may be dispensed from a vending machine only
"in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for
consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as
Guam!)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories


an hour.
(Still not over that pig thing)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull
30 times its own weight and always falls over on its
right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? -- which
govt. paid for this research?? But still doesn't beat a pigs life.)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(In my next life I STILL want to be a pig ...


quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.


(They can taste with anything they wish am still not changing my mind
on the pig thing)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have


sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.


(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.


(I know some people like that too)

After reading all these, all I can say is.....


....... Damn those LUCKY GUAMESE PIGS.......

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns,


>unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
>masculine or feminine. For example,
>"House" in French, is feminine-"la maison"
>"Pencil" in French, is masculine-"le crayon"
>
>One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher did not
>know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split
>the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them
>to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
>
>Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
>
>The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine
>gender ('la computer"), because:
>
>1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
>2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
>incomprehensible to everyone else;
>3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
>later review; and
>4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
>your paycheck on accessories for it.
>
>The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
>('le computer") because:
>
>1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
>2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
>3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
>the problem; and
>4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
>little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
>
>
>The women won.

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After some time in the
wilderness he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The
director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage
at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb,
sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is
thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the
time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers
the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming
with laughter, but the director is steaming! "You half-wit! You bloody fool!" he cries. "You have
ruined me!" The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I fluff my line?" "No!" screams the
director. "You forgot the bloody rose!"

The old professor got a job on the railways as a steward one summer, and the first day he
accompanied another steward to learn the ropes. "It's very simple," said his tutor, "just use
diplomacy." "What's diplomacy?" asked the old professor, as that was something he'd never
needed while teaching. "Watch me, I'll show you," said the steward-in-charge. Off they went
down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening them with special keys and offering
tea or coffee. When the tutor steward flung open one door, he was confronted with a buck-naked
woman. Without batting an eyelid he asked, "Tea or coffee, sir?" The surprised woman took the
cup of tea and he shut the door. "Wow, did you see that cutie?" said the old professor excitedly.
"She had no clothes on! But hey, why did you call her 'sir'?" "That's diplomacy! I did not want to
embarrass her," said his tutor. The old professor was most impressed with his teacher. The next
day, on his own now, he flung open a door to a compartment and found a couple making love on
the bed. "Tea or coffee, sir?" "Tea," the man replied. "And for your brother?"

Hullo people, check this out.


A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her
to see what he went through so he prayed: Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours
while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her
body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man
awoke as a woman! He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their
school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and
picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced
the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1P.M. and
he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the,way home. Set
out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing
board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing
vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he
cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put
them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went
to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what
I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh
please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will
be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months,

though. You got pregnant last night "


Don't you just love it? I do.
Have a pleasant day, God bless.
G.

Three Weddings A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak... "Father, I am
going to marry!" His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila... "Tell me, is she a
good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?" "O'Brien" replies the son... "She's
Catholic..." "Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?" "I'm happy," says the son.. "Ok...as
long as you're happy.... my blessings to you both," replies Moisha. But the father is still counting
on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah... Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening,
"Father... I too will be married soon!" Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's
praises... "What is her name," implores the father? "Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's
Greek Orthodox..." "Oy," says Moisha... "But are you happy?" "I'm happy, father..." "Ok... then
you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha... Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray..
"Please God... let my remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl... to raise nice Jewish
children in your eyes ... PLEASE!" Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims,
"Father! I am to wed in the spring!" "Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME" his father
immediately demands? "Goldberg!" says Chutzpah! Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise
God! Praise the Prophets!" Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter
Shelley, from Los Angeles?" "No..." says Chutzpah... "Hmmm," says Moisha... "Must be
Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Hollywood?" "Ah...no, father" says Chutzpah...
"Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful Son?" "Whoopi." says
Chutzpah.

LOST IN THE PARK: A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa
Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost
in the park and couldn't find his way home. "Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to
that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost ? " Leaning close to grandma, so that the
policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, "Lost I wasn't.....I was just too tired to walk home."

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and
worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it
would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my
fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished. After the fourth puppy, I noticed my
hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned
forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized.

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they
could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: "You appear to be
in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" "In
fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and
sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have
any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no
questions nor concerns. The doctor than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He
claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and
chilly after the second time.... "Do you know why?" "Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's
because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December."
Most popular joke in Germany A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier
would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the
army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held
company. Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system
recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their
password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way. One day I
received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament. I looked up her password
and informed her that it was 'DOME' and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being
gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password. She
became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret. I of
course replied that I would not give her system access until she did. After negotiating for several
minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to
any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed. "Well, what does it mean?", I asked. She
hesitated and then replied, "It's two words." There was pregnant pause. I unlocked her system
and simply said, "Have a nice day".

BUSHISMS

""The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be
prepared'."

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment
to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are
doing it."

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."

"Public speaking is very easy."

The company my brother worked for had a phone system that re-routed after-hours calls. If any calls
came in on a certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would be a wrong number. It got
to the point where as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, "Psychic Hotline. I'm
sorry, but you've dialed the wrong number." The caller would often reply with something like, "But I
didn't even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialled the wrong.... Oh!" (Click.)

nani alisema Uhuru ni omozexual ?


..watu wanapayukapayuka ...ooohh oohh ohh ... mara kwa mara mimi ninasema gatika maredio,
gatika magazeti.... Uhuru sio omosexual.... Uhuru ni heretozexual ... yugo na mama na pia ingine ya
kando.....

...zamani nilisema .. mtu akipata shimo... apande miti hugo ndani ... na amwage maji..... .. lakini sigu
hizi za ugonjwa wa Ugimwi inabidi watu waache kupanda miti ovyo ovyo

Na kwa moyo huo huo mimi nimewacha kushikashika wakina mama. (clear throat)... sasa mimi
nimekuwa .. MONOSEXUAL ...mimi najifanya mwenyewe... nikitumia sabuni ya "Omo with power
foam Plus" ....... na hiyo ni ...?

Crowd : MAENDELEO !!! ...tingisa nione ....

RAPID RESPONSE Working on a small town ambulance, it was not uncommon for my husband
and me to stop at the local grocer to buy food for dinner after a call. I had gone in to get a head
of lettuce and some apples. Unknown to me the floor was wet from the newly installed produce
sprayers. Down I went, hitting my head hard. When I came to, the manager of the store was
sitting beside me telling me not to move, that he had called 911. At the same time my pager went
off and he looked at me and asked, “What was that? I said "My pager, I am 911." He looked at
me, shocked " Boy, you guys are fast!"

Little Billy, and his grandfather entered the vacation cabin, and kept the lights off until they were
inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Noticing them
before his grandfather did, Little Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are
coming after us with flashlights...."

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern


Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came
across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the
area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It
was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing
was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron.
What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the
ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from
humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a
return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By
elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the
cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the
ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper
finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from
the ceiling.

His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in
the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that
had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled
many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5,
but installed undesirable programs such as NFL
5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but
to no avail.

What can I do?

Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is
an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and
download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should
then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But
remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy
Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad
program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install
Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported
applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great
program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications
quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and
performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and
Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,

Tech Support

"Park Bench"

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the
seat and relax. After a while a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going
for a walk together." "How dare you," said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"
"Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"

A very posh lady was walking around an art gallery when she stopped by one particular exhibit.
"I suppose this picture of a hideous witch is what you would call modern art?" she asked very
pompously. "No, ma'am," replied the assistant, "it's what we call a mirror."

HOW TO TELL AFRICANS FROM AFRICANS

It comes, as something of a surprise to many Africans to discover that all Africans look the same
to non-Africans... How do you tell a Nigerian from a Kenyan? And I am not talking about
passports or clothing. The easiest way, of course, is the name, for example Ogunkoye",
"Ekwekwe" or "Babangida" can only be a Nigerian, a "Njoroge", "Otieno" or "Kilonzo" must
be from Kenya. Where else would you bump into a name like "Promise", "Immaculate" or
"Patience" other than in Zimbabwe? And where do the Dunns come from? ----- they are surely
from Liberia or Sierra Leone.

Surely everybody knows that the loud, boisterous and cocky ones are the West Africans; the
brooding and sly ones are the North and South Africans; the East Africans always say yes even
when they disagree vehemently. No wonder there have been very few coups in this region.
They have no guts to go against the establishment. They are also the UN's first choice for Peace-
Keeping duties world-wide.

Forget about the Egyptians and Sudanese who change their continents based on which side of the
bread is buttered. When convenient, and the Petro-Dollar is flowing, they masquarade as Arabs.
When the World Bank is dishing out aid to the third-world, they shuffle themselves, cup-in-hand,
jostling for the paltry aid given to poor African countries.

If you want to be more specific, the Cameronians will borrow money to buy Champagne. They
can even sell a hole in their pockets to ape the bourgeois. The Ghanaians think they invented
politics. No Ghanaian worth his salt will conclude a conversation without mentioning the famous
Kwame Nkurumah or quoting a phrase from one of his speeches. Even when ! bargaining at the
Bazaar, a 'Kwame' phrase has a magical effect. The problem is they think that this effect is
worldwide!!! A dukawalla in Bombay was forgiven for thinking "Kwame" was a unit of
currency in Africa!

The Congolese think they have the best music and the best dancers. They have this heavenly
feeling that they were brought into this world to Sing and Dance... and please, for your own
safety, don't you dare challenge that! A Congolese can be spotted from afar by the gait of his
walk.... and it also depends on the mood of the walker: A "Ndo! mbolo" walk is a sign of
happiness (..also means 'I've just had it'); a "Baba Gaston" walk is a sign of old age. The
Nigerians have a THING about clothes and jewellery. They are the Indians of Africa;
you'll always find a Nigerian in any part of the world... there is one c! ontending for Mayorship
somewhere in remote Russia of all the places. There is a Nigerian Police inspector in the
Falklands .... and there is a Nigerian Cashier at the First National Bank of Woolongong....
(somewhere in Australia) I wonder how long he'll be there before he decides to become fluidy
with the cash. They are like cockroaches and will be found in the most unusual places.The
Ethiopians think they have the most beautiful women on God's earth.(think about it, have your
ever seen an ugly Ethiopian Lady?...no, not the post-menopause geriatric one, we are talking
about the under 45 or so..hmm.) We won't talk about the Somalis for the time being as they are
suffering from a severe identity crisis. How else do you explain a Somali holding a Kenyan
Passport saying he was born and raised in "Pand-Pieri" (somewhere in Kisumu) while the same!
gentleman cannot utter the basic general greeting?

Moroccans think they're French and so do the Burkinabes. Algerians hate the French. Sierra
Leonians smile profusely. Liberians can't get over America... they copy everything including
Rambo... no wonder they have Rambo-style rumbles in the jungle. Call it an influence from
Hollywood?

All East and South African countries have more or less the same boring national anthems, but the
South Africans sing it the best. Which other national anthem can make your feet loose control
and do a jig on their own? The South Africans have thick and springy hair; the Zambians and
Kenyans have prominent foreheads.

The Nigerians have thick luscious lips and their females possess some of the widest posteriors.
The West Africans have short memories and never learn from their mis! takes; how many times
are they caught all over the world on drug-related cases yet they continue the trade. How many
times are they going to send those silly chain letters asking for bank accounts and pretending
they are sons of Chief so and so?

The concept of order and discipline must have been invented in East Africa; the words don't exist
in West Africa, especially in Nigeria....does anyone know how many coups that country has
endured?

When a cabinet minister is caught in a corruption scandal, he commits suicide in Southern


Africa; in West Africa he's promoted after the next coup d'etat. In Kenya, he is stripped of his
Cabinet post for a short while till the dust settles and then re-instated to a higher Cabinet post
which amalgamates his earlier Cabinet post. In essence, he still controls his earlier Ministerial
post by ! proxy.

In athletics, the divisions are easy: from 800m to the marathon the East Africans hold sway; the
West Africans are only good at the sprints. South Africans can only sing. But when it comes to
football (soccer), the North and West Africans dominate the lesser-skilled East and South
African.
AUTHOR: REAL AFRICANS...!!

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20
blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was nearing home, the cat was walking
up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same
thing. As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther
and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a
few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on
until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers.
"Why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I
need directions!"

"Your honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get married, please."

"All right, what is your age?"

"I'm 22, sir."

"And the age of the bride?"

"She's 15, sir."

"15? That's too young! Marrying you would be against the law!"

"I see, " said the young man. "Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the
shotgun?"

JUST A COMMON SOLDIER


(A Soldier Died Today) by A. Lawrence Vaincourt

He was getting old and paunchy and his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around the Legion, telling stories of the past
Of a war that he had fought in and the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies; they were heroes, every one.
And tho' sometimes, to his neighbors, his tales became a joke,
All his Legion buddies listened, for they knew whereof he spoke.
But we'll hear his tales no longer for old Bill has passed away,
And the world's a little poorer, for a soldier died today.

He will not be mourned by many, just his children and his wife,
For he lived an ordinary and quite uneventful life.
Held a job and raised a family, quietly going his own way,
And the world won't note his passing, though a soldier died today.

When politicians leave this earth, their bodies lie in state,


While thousands note their passing and proclaim that they were
great.
Papers tell their whole life stories, from the time that they were
young,
But the passing of a soldier goes unnoticed and unsung.

Is the greatest contribution to the welfare of our land


A guy who breaks his promises and cons his fellow man?
Or the ordinary fellow who, in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his Country and offers up his life?

A politician's stipend and the style in which he lives


Are sometimes disproportionate to the service that he
gives.
While the ordinary soldier, who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal and perhaps, a pension small.

It's so easy to forget them for it was so long ago,


That the old Bills of our Country went to battle, but we know
It was not the politicians, with their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom that our Country now enjoys.

Should you find yourself in danger, with your enemies at hand,


Would you want a politician with his ever-shifting stand?
Or would you prefer a soldier, who has sworn to defend
His home, his kin and Country and would fight until the end?
He was just a common soldier and his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us we may need his like again.
For when countries are in conflict, then we find the soldier's part
Is to clean up all the troubles that the politicians start.

If we cannot do him honor while he's here to hear the praise,


Then at least let's give him homage at the ending of his days.
Perhaps just a simple headline in a paper that would say,
Our Country is in mourning, for a soldier died today.

When my three crazy country and I each reached the age of 8, my


Uncle would start teaching us how to really ride the horses he
trained, Once we got good enough he would let us exercise them and
if we did well he let us sometimes ride in steeple chases and
shows.

My older two cousins had been riding for a couple of years when my
youngest cousin and I finally got to, so we were more than ready.

I had been given the care and feeding duties of a beautiful little
dapple grey Arab mare, she and I loved each other, she would run to
me when I came to saddle her and I would always have an apple or
carrot for her. I groomed her every day and she pranced and acted
like she knew how wonderful she looked.

It was decided that I could ride her in an annual steeple chase


held in Louisville in the spring, I was in heaven. We practiced
every day at least once and riding her became as natural as walking
to me.

About a month before the event a man who boarded several horses
with my Uncle asked him if his daughter could ride my mare in the
steeple chase, he had purchased a thoroughbred for her and she had
trouble handling it. He had seen me ride the mare and thought she
would be gentle enough for his daughter to handle and his daughter
was set on riding in this steeple chase. My Uncle tried to talk
him out of it but to no avail. I was heart broken, but could do
nothing about it.

The girl, who was a teenager at the time, came out every day and
rode my mare, I still fed and groomed her, but this girl got to
ride her. So I got my Uncle to let me ride her thoroughbred, since
no one was exercising him. My oldest cousin, who was a sad as I
was about the whole thing, talked my Uncle into letting me ride the
thoroughbred in the steeple chase. After watching me ride for a
couple of days he entered me in the same event as the girl riding
my mare.

The race started badly, I had trouble holding my horse, he just


wanted to run like thoroughbreds do, but I finally got him under
control enough to make the jumps. We were ahead coming to the
finish, but he had expended so much energy at the start that my
little mare was gaining on us. As she came to us she slowed and
just ran beside us. She just wanted to be with me, not to pass me.

I had mixed emotions crossing the finish just a head in front of my


beloved mare.

The preacher said: "There's no such thing as a perfect man. Anybody present who has ever
known a perfect man, stand up." Nobody stood up. "Those who have ever known a perfect
woman, stand up." One demure little woman stood up. "Did you ever know an absolutely perfect
woman?" he asked, somewhat amazed. "I didn't know her personally," replied the little old
woman, "but I have heard a great deal about her. She was my husband's first wife."

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.


The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence
contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the
streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their
air planes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet,
before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got
"the whole 9 yards."
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle,
G.P. The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each
other: adhere and separate.
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding,
the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a
honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honeymonth"

or what we know today as the "honeymoon."


In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got
unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's
where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their
ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your
whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice.
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes when you pulled on the
ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. that's where the phrase,
"good night, sleep tight" came from.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet.
(developed by Western Union to test Telex/twx communications)
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels
in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning
"containing arsenic."
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and
are on the Australian coat of arms for that
reason.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while
dogs only have about ten.
The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the
Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means, "the
king is dead".
Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
Camel's milk does not curdle.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman
somewhere.
An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.
Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly
used to clean elephants.
The United States has never lost a war in which
mules were used.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially
for Ronald Reagan
All porcupines float in water.
Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker,
New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to
receive $.10 from the town.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is
from the days of yore when the engines were
pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the
ground floor and figured out how to walk up
straight staircases.
Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
The air plane Buddy Holly died in was called
"American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean
song.)
The only nation whose name begins with an "A",
but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan.
When possums are playing 'possum', they are not
"playing." They actually pass out from sheer
terror.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks
over an inch every year because when it was
built, engineers failed to take into account the
weight of all the books that would occupy the
building.
If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be
heads 5,000 times, but more like 4,950. The
heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the
bottom.
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified.
The longest word in the English language,
according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
The only other word with the same amount of
letters is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses,
its plural.
Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and
hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest
anagrams.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Ben and Jerry's sends the waste from making ice
cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs
love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint
Oreo.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used
furniture dealer.
Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma
Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was
Betty Jean Mcbricker.
The Ramses brand condom is named after the great
pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160
children.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both
parties are registered blood donors.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street
were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi
driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an
old English law which stated that you couldn't
beat your wife with anything wider than your
thumb.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed
with only the left hand.
The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after
Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.
Armadillos have four babies at a time and they
are always all the same sex.
Armadillos are the only animal besides humans
that can get leprosy.
A group of unicorns is called a blessing. Twelve
or more cows are known as a "flink." A group of
frogs is called an army. A group of rhinos is
called a crash. A group of kangaroos is called a
mob. A group of whales is called a pod. A group
of ravens is called a murder. A group of
officers is called a mess. A group of larks is
called an exaltation. A group of owls is called
a parliament.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming
1/10 of a calorie.
The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact
that early mattresses were filled with straw and
held up with rope stretched across the bedframe.
A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.
"Three dog night" (attributed to Australian
Aborigines) came about because on especially
cold nights these nomadic people needed three
dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing.
Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name
that was only used once, on the never-aired
pilot show. His first name was Willy. The
skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is
Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first
episode on their radio's newscast about the
wreck.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not
allowed to speak.
Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had
been overmixing the soap formula causing excess
air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote
and told how much they loved that it floated,
and it has floated ever since. [It floats in
gasoline, too.]
Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh
floor of a building it has about thirty percent
less chance of surviving than a cat that falls
off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes
about eight floors for the cat to realize what
is occurring, relax and correct itself.
The saying "it's so cold out there it could
freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from
when they had old cannons like ones used in the
Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a
pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When
it got extremely cold outside, they would crack
and break off... Thus the saying.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus
every two weeks or it will digest itself.
The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for
more cows."
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =
12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse
has both front legs in the air, the person died
in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the
air, the person died as a result of wounds
received in battle; if the horse has all four
legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes. (ed. note: if the rider's head is up the
horse's ass, the rider died a politician.)
No word in the English language rhymes with
month, orange, silver, and purple.
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of
their unwanted people without killing them used
to burn their houses down - hence the expression
"to get fired."
Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village."
There are two credit cards for every person in
the United States.
The average human eats 8 spiders in their
lifetime at night.
A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar
and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after
38 minutes.
A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not
white, but actually clear.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both
parties are registered blood donors.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland
because he doesn't wear pants.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than
are killed in plane crashes.
Shakespeare invented the word "assassination"
and "bump."
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will
eventually turn white.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Right handed people live, on average, nine years
longer than left handed people do.
The name of all the continents end with the same
letter that they start with.
If the population of China walked past you in
single file, the line would never end because of
the rate of reproduction.
A snail can sleep for 3 years.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by
eliminating one olive from each salad served in
first-class.
China has more English speakers than the United
States.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
Did you know you share your birthday with at
least 9 million people.
The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth
Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is one of the few
places in the world a boat can sail under a
train driving under a car driving under an
airplane.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs
only have about ten.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth,
but our nose and ears never stop growing.
David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader
suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's
lines, and didn't know that he was going to be
dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the
screening of the movie.
Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman
somewhere.
If Barbie were life-size her measurements would
be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two
inches tall and have a neck twice the length of
a normal human's neck.
Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state
capital without aMcDonald's.
No word in the English language rhymes with
month.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only
six inches for each gallon of diesel that it
burns.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook
macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't
appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected
intravenously.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike
annually than all of the Nike factory workers in
Malaysia combined.
The first toilet ever seen on television was on
"Leave It to Beaver".
In the great fire of London in 1666 half of
London was burnt down but only 6 people were
injured.
One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today
because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied
against hemp farmers-they saw it as competition.
It is not as chemically addictive as is
nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.
Only one person in two billion will live to be
116 or older.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter
Pan."

The human heart creates enough pressure when it


pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150
calories an hour.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that
have sex for pleasure.
On average, people fear spiders more than they
do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
(oh, yes)
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every
day. (although not individually!!)
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming
1/10 of a calorie.
Did you know that you are more likely to be
killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous
spider?
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant always falls over on its right side when
intoxicated.
Polar bears are left-handed.
A cockroach will live nine days without its
head, before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while
its head is attached to its body. The female
initiates sex by ripping the head off.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish haven't got brains.

The youngest of my three crazy country cousins and I were only a month apart in age, and both
small for our age, He was a cotton- top blond with freckles, a typical Kentucky country boy.
Once when the cousins were at our house he and I were playing in the yard, while I was minding
my little brother for my my mom, when the neighborhood bully happened by with a couple of his
friends. The bully decided to stop and make fun of my cousin's country accent, we tried to ignore
him but he wouldn't stop and finally started throwing rocks at us. One of the rocks hit my little
brother, causing his forehead to bleed profusely. I grabbed my brother up and ran to find mom
and my cousin lit out after the bully. He chased him all the way to his house and ran in after him.
Just as the bully's father stepped into the room to see what was going on, my cousin punched the
bully right in the nose, causing it to spurt blood all over. The man grabbed my cousin and
marched him and his son to our house. When my mom came to the door the red faced man
shouted "Look what your kid did to my son!" My unflappable mom looked back and forth
between my tiny cousin and the bully, who stood a foot taller and easily outweighed my cousin
by 20lbs., patted the man on the arm and said, "I can see why you would be embarassed, but
don't worry, we won't tell anyone.".

Pick the dummy...

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine


months,saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He
received a $26 million severance package.

With a Little Help from Our Friends......


Police in Oakland, California spent two hours
attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded
himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was
standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and
give himself up...

And What Was Plan B?.....

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a


motorist and forced him to drive to two different
automated teller machines. The kidnapper then
proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank
accounts...

And for the Main Course...


A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after
swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a
pair of salad tongs.

The Getaway......
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and
asked for all the money in the cash drawer.
Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself (to get
more money) for three hours until police showed up
and grabbed him.

Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!.....


In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties
walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire
protruding from his forehead and calmly asked
officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his
brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were
shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch
deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power
drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the
missing brain.

Have I Got a Deal for You!....


More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a
spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the
first tourist flight to Mars. According to the
Italian police, the would-be space travellers were
told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the
splendours of ruined temples and painted deserts.
Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy
the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious
canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon
also available. "Authorities believe that the con men
running this scam made off with over six million
dollars...

Too Well-Educated.....
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an
MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three
People. "There are too many business grads out
there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, then
this may not have happened..."

Did I Say That?!......


Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a
lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup
to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Ouch, That Smarts!....


A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise
when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money
exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber
apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his
pants as he was running out the door."He was seen
hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman
Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside
his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in
custody...

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!....


In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for
trying to holdup a Bank of America branch without awe
upon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a
gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in
his pocket.

Are We Not Communicating?........


A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her
husband!"

THE HEARING AID Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling
to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson. "That depends," he
said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000." "Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser. The
salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run
this little string down to your pocket," he instructed. "How does it work?" , asked Morris. "For
$2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk
louder."

One summer when I was still in college, I got a job working on a film crew as a gofer. They were
shooting in a job in Oklahoma that summer, in the oil fields out in the boonies. On the flight
there I started to feel sick but just marked it up to motion sickness. Later, however I got so much
worse that my boss took me to the closest hospital, where they admitted me, and decided I had to
have an emergency appendectomy. My boss contacted my parents and I was soon in surgery.
When I woke up I had no idea that I had been placed in the maternity wing, in a 4 bed ward.
They were short of beds and that was the only room they had. Late in the day a young nurses aid
came in to get me up, I was sore and drowsy and resisted. "Come on, now" she said "we'll go see
your baby." "MY BABY" I shouted "I'm not even married, I don't have a baby." She looked
shocked and the other women in the ward started whispering, she said " There now let's don't get
upset, I'll call a nurse to talk to you." Shortly a very kind nurse came in and started asking me
questions that made me realize that she thought I was an unmarried mother. Just when I thought I
was going to completely loose it, my boss arrived. "Well how are you feeling?" she asked "Crazy
as hell" I said, "Get me out of here, before these people give me a baby to take home." When my
boss finally got the whole mess cleared up we had a good laugh about it, well she did, laughing
was tough on my stitches.

A friend of ours was walking down a deserted Mexican beach at sunset. As he walked along, he
began to see another man in the distance. As he grew nearer, he noticed that the local native kept
leaning down, picking something up and throwing it out into the water. Time and again he kept
hurling things out into the ocean. As our friend approached even closer, he noticed that the man
was picking up starfish that had been washed up on the beach and, one at a time, was throwing
them back into the water. Our friend was puzzled. He approached the man and said, Good
evening, friend. I was wondering what you were doing." "I'm throwing these starfish back into
the ocean. You see it's low tide right now and all of these starfish have washed up onto shore. If I
don't throw them back into the sea, they'll die up here from lack of oxygen." "I understand," my
friend replied, "but there must be thousands of starfish on this beach. There are simply too many.
And don't you realize that this is probably happening on hundreds of beaches all up and down the
coast. Can't you see that you can't possibly make a difference?" The local native smiled, bent
down and picked up yet another starfish; and as he threw it back into the sea, he replied,"Made a
difference to that one."

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said
I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist
asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink
beer?" "Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and
bar-b-qued ribs? I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a
lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked. "No I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble,
drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?" "No," I said, "I've never done any of those
things." He look at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80 ??"

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a


sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance
complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action
recorded by mechanics.

By the way, Qantas is supposedly the only major airline


that has never had an accident.

P = the problem the pilots entered in the log.


S = the solution or corrective action taken by the mechanics.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.


S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.


S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.


S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.


S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.


S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.


S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.


S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.


S: Suspect you're right.

P: Aircraft handles funny.


S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Truck driver is barreling down the freeway and sees a sign that warns
of a low bridge ahead. Before he realizes it he is upon the bridge and
becomes firmly stuck under it. Cars back up for miles. Finally a local
police cars arrives. The cop gets out and with hands on hips surveys
the situation. "Got stuck, huh" he says to the truck driver. The truck
driver looks at the cop and with a straight face says, "Naw, I was
delivering the bridge and ran out of gas."

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please
describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as
to your wife's infidelity." "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified.
"So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning," he
continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in
the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that
racket on the weekends?'"

SALMON MOUSSE
A housewife was having several couples over for dinner that
night, so she wanted to cook something special. She slaved for
hours that afternoon and finally created a masterpiece. Salmon
mousse. Just before her guests arrived, she caught her cat
nibbling away at the dish on the dining room table. She had
worked so hard that she couldn't throw the mousse away, so she
smoothed it over and served it anyway. Well, the mousse was a
hit. Everyone took seconds or thirds. Proudly she stood to bring
the empty plate out to the kitchen and looked out the window.
There, next to the house, lay her cat. Dead. She had to confess to
her guests that she'd served mousse eaten by the cat and now
the cat was dead. The entire dinner party rushed to the hospital
to have their stomachs pumped. The housewife, who hadn't eaten
any because she knew her cat had, lay in bed--mourning the
passing of her cat and fearing that the same fate could befall her
guests. Then, the phone rang. It was her next door neighbor who
said, "I'm sorry about your cat. I should have told you that I ran
her over but I was just so ashamed and saw that you had a dinner
party in progress....So I just put her on your lawn."

A History of Thanksgiving 1492 - Christopher Columbus discovers America, unless you count
the native peoples already living there. Columbus doesn't. Columbus and crew celebrate by
holding a dinner, giving thanks for their safe arrival. Embarrassment ensues when every Indian
brings maize, and nobody brings pumpkin pie. 1620 - Pilgrim men invent sport of football to
avoid helping clean up after Thanksgiving dinner. 1671 - First embarrassing drunken relatives at
Thanksgiving dinner, as Captain John Smith's parents tell Pocahontas the "hilarious" old "I got
lost in the maize" joke for the hundredth time. 1701 - At a historic Thanksgiving dinner, Dutch
settlers unveil historic "Indians Give Us All Of Their Land Treaty." Due to an unfortunate
oversight, the Indians are left off of the invite list, and the treaty is signed without them. 1776 -
Excited that his British in-laws finally agreed to meet him for Thanksgiving dinner, silversmith
Paul Revere rides through Boston announcing the news. Unfortunately, many colonists
misinterpret his cry "the British are coming!" as a warning, leading to the Revolutionary War.
1812 - At an international Thanksgiving dinner, King George of England, still hurting from
losing the Revolutionary War, challenges United States President James Madison to "best 2 out
of 3." 1860 - At a Senate Thanksgiving dinner, the seven-year-old son of Alabama's Senator
Richard Applebee insults the Senators from Massachusetts, New York, and Pennsylvania,
sparking the Civil War. The tradition of the "children's table" is instituted in 1861. 1903 - Canada
steals idea of Thanksgiving holiday, placing it in October, so they can say it was their idea first.
1928 - To commemorate "our nation's greatest era of prosperity that will last forever and ever,"
President Herbert Hoover dumps ceremonial ten thousand turkeys into the Potomac River. 1929 -
Following the Great Stock Market Crash, thousands of men go Turkey Diving in the Potomac
River. 1957 - Declaring her spicy stuffing "a communist threat to undermine my health via
heartburn," Senator Joe McCarthy has his wife placed under arrest as a Soviet saboteur. 1969 -
The world's largest Eat-In event goes sour. Thousands of hippies start having bad trips when bad
"brown gravy" gets passed around. 1991 - When Dan Quayle takes ill on Thanksgiving; a turkey
is sworn as Vice President for three days. No change is noticed. 1997 - Strong natural
tranquilizer tryptophane is discovered in turkey. A Colombian cartel immediately starts selling
"pure" turkey on the streets for $500 an ounce. Turkey farmers get involved in drive-by
shootings, and the U.S. government declares a national fowl emergency. 2002 - America is on a
terrorist alert. It is now against the law to stuff a turkey since anyone is suspicious of hiding
explosives. George W. signs this law into Congress, during a patriotic speech he defends this
decision claiming "the evil doers are just looking for any opportunity to show up at your dinner
table." This Thanksgiving take a real good look at your relatives...and report any suspicious
behavior to the CIA, FBI or your local police...who cares if it's grandma...it's your duty as an
American...

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her
daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter
asked. "I had to slap his face three times!" "You mean he got fresh?" "No," she answered... "I
thought he was dead!"

There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and
asked, "Who's there?" "Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature." "Where's
the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up. "Could I see some ID?" I said,
still not convinced. "Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd
probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.

Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's room, a mother finally laid
down the law: each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents. By the end
of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50 cent tip and a
note that read, "Thanks, Mom; keep up the good work!"

My Grandmother, to my knowledge, never drank liquor in her life, at least on purpose. She was a
very gentle and proper lady, a pillar of her church and the community. In those days door to door
salesmen were welcomed, out in the country and none more so than the Watkin's Man. He was
almost regarded as a guest and was frequently invited to eat a meal when he visited with his
wares. He sold all sorts of wonderous things and always left a little gift when he left, such as a
thimble or pot holder. One of his products was an elixir for general health and nervous
conditions. With two of her sons in the service, during WW-2, she was worried and depressed, so
she bought a big bottle of this elixir and took it as directed. Lo and behold she did feel happier,
as a matter of fact she got downright giddy when she took it. So much so that my Mom read the
fine print on the bottle to discover that the stuff was 40% achohol. Alarmed, she told my grampa,
who grinned and said "Now let's just keep this between you and me honey, I'm enjoying your
mother's happy times.".

My Grandmother, to my knowledge, never drank liquor in her life, at least on purpose. She was a
very gentle and proper lady, a pillar of her church and the community. In those days door to door
salesmen were welcomed, out in the country and none more so than the Watkin's Man. He was
almost regarded as a guest and was frequently invited to eat a meal when he visited with his
wares. He sold all sorts of wonderous things and always left a little gift when he left, such as a
thimble or pot holder. One of his products was an elixir for general health and nervous
conditions. With two of her sons in the service, during WW-2, she was worried and depressed, so
she bought a big bottle of this elixir and took it as directed. Lo and behold she did feel happier,
as a matter of fact she got downright giddy when she took it. So much so that my Mom read the
fine print on the bottle to discover that the stuff was 40% achohol. Alarmed, she told my grampa,
who grinned and said "Now let's just keep this between you and me honey, I'm enjoying your
mother's happy times.".
Charles Plumb was a US Navy jet pilot in Vietnam. After 75 combat missions, his plane was
destroyed by a surface-to-air missile. Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was
captured and spent 6 years in a communist Vietnamese prison. He survived the ordeal and now
lectures on lessons learned from that experience.

One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another table came up
and said, You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk.
You were shot down!"

"How in the world did you know that?" asked Plumb. "I packed your parachute," the man
replied. Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, "I guess it
worked!" Plumb assured him, "It sure did. If your chute hadn't worked, I wouldn't be here
today."

Plumb couldn't sleep that night, thinking about that man. Plumb says, "I kept wondering what he
might have looked like in a Navy uniform: a white hat, a bib in the back, and bell-bottom
trousers. I wonder how many times I might have seen him and not even said 'Good morning, how
are you?' or anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor." Plumb
thought of the man hours the sailor had spent on a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship,
carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time
the fate of someone he didn't know.

Now, Plumb asks his audience, "Who's packing your parachute? "Everyone has someone who
provides what they need to make it through the day. Plumb also points out that he needed many
kinds of parachutes when his plane was shot down over enemy territory-he needed his physical
parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual parachute. He called
on all these supports before reaching safety.

Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what is really important. We may
fail to say hello, please, or thank you, congratulate someone on something wonderful that has
happened to them, give a compliment, or just do something nice for no reason. As you go
through this week, this month, this year, recognize people who pack your parachute. I am
sending you this as my way of thanking you for your part in packing my parachute!!! And
I hope you will send it on To those who have helped pack yours!

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe
this could explain it: When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?
You forward jokes. To let you know that you are still remembered, are still important, are still
loved and are still cared for, guess what you get...A forwarded joke.

To all of my friends, let me take this opportunity to thank you for having 'Packed My Chute' each
and every day of our acquaintance. Be good as always & more important, be kind! Once again,
thanks, I am glad you packed my chute!
A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed
her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?" Her mother replied, "I think that if I
had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"

It was a hot day one August when my mom's cousin had a problem with the electrical system.
Without informing her that he was contacting an electrician, her husband called to have him
come check the breaker box which was in the kitchen closet. He told the electrician that his wife
would not be there so he would have to let himself into the house by the kitchen door. She had a
medical appointment that day and was running late. When she went in to take a shower, she
realized that her only bar of soap was at the kitchen sink. Stark naked she dashed into the kitchen
to grab the bar of soap. Then she heard the milk man coming up the kitchen steps. On hot
summer days he always placed the milk in the refrigerator for her instead of in the little box on
the porch. She knew she did not have time to run back through the kitchen before he would open
the door. So she just stepped into the kitchen closet to await his exit. To her horror the electrician
opened the closet door! At which she blurted, "Oh, no! I thought you were the milk man!"

A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a
wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the matter?"
said the first guy. "I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered nervously.
"They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country..." "Hold on," said the first.
"I've been in L.A all my life, and it's not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work,
mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the
world." The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank God. I was worried
to death! But if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you
do for a living?" "Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

One night at McChord Air Force Base in Washington, I was dispatched to check out the security
fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of the base runway. When I got to
the scene, I found that a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare
off the animal. Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and
announces loudly, "Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are cleared for
takeoff."

Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friends house. Knowing his sweet tooth Tommy's
mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."
"No," replied Tommy, "but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and
she gave me two more pieces without me asking."

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Or pastor
asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last
Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole
congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

My nursing colleague was preparing an intravenous line for a 15-year-old male patient. The
bedside phone rang, and the boy's mother reached over to pick it up. After talking for a few
minutes, the mother held the phone aside, turned to her son and said, "Your dad is asking if
you've got any cute nurses." The boy gazed at the nurse, who had the needle poised above his
arm, ready for insertion. "Tell him," he replied, "they're absolutely gorgeous."

A teacher was correcting exam papers when he came across Peter's effort: a sheet of paper, blank
apart from his name and "Act II Macbeth. Scene V. Line 28". The teacher reached for his
Shakespeare and turned to Macbeth where he found that the 28th line of the fifth scene of the
second act read, "I cannot do this bloody thing."

An elderly lady on a cruise ship wanders up to the bar and asks for a scotch with two drops of
water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th
birthday, and it's today." The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the lady to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too."
The elderly matron says, "Why, thank you. Bartender, I would like a scotch with two drops of
water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I
would like to buy you one as well." The lady says, "Thank you. Bartender, I would like another
scotch with two drops of water." "Comin' right up." As he puts the drink down in front of her, he
says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The 80
year-old replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water,
however, is a whole other issue."

Perfect Secretary
------------------------------------------------
"Seen my new secretary?" asked the businessman.
"Yeah," his buddy replied," she's gorgeous."
"Well, she's a Robot, the latest model from Japan."

"Jeez, that's amazing! What can she do?"

"If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If


you squeeze her right tit, she types 185 wpm for you.
And when you screw her it feels better than the
real thing."

"Sounds perfect."

"l almost got hurt once, though."

"How?"

"Well," he grimaced, "let's just say I didn't


know her ass was a pencil sharpener."

LET´S TALK ABOUT SEX


You should have SEX on days that begin with T:
Thanksgiving,
Tuesday,
Thursday,
Today,
Tomorrow,
Thaturday?
Thunday?
Every Thucking day!

Sex is:
like Nokia (connecting people)
like Nike (Just do it)
like Pepsi (ask for more)
like Coca Cola (Enjoy)
like me (too good to be true)

A New Mom took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time. She dressed her in
pink from head to toe. At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put her purchases
around her. At the checkout line a small boy and his mother were ahead of them. The child was
crying and begging for some special treat. He wants some candy or gum and his mother won't let
him have any, she thought. Then she heard his mother's reply. "No!" she said, looking in her
direction. "You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one!"

I received this from a good friend who had a choice to make. It said that I

>had a choice to make, too. I've chosen. Now it's your turn to choose.
>The story goes that some time ago a man punished his 5-year-old daughter
for
>wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he
>became even more upset when the child pasted the gold paper so as to
>decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.
>
>Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift box to her father the next
>morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." The father was embarrassed by
>his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box
>was empty. He spoke to her in a harsh manner, "Don't you know, young lady,
>when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something inside the

>package?"
>
>The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "Oh,
>Daddy, it's not empty. I blew kisses into it until it was full." The father
>was crushed. He fell on his knees and put his arms around his little girl,
>and he begged her to forgive him for his unnecessary anger.
>
>An accident took the life of the child only a short time later and it is
>told that the father kept that gold box by his bed for all the years of his

>life.
>
>And whenever he was discouraged or faced difficult problems he would open
>the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child
>who had put it there.
>
>In a very real sense, each of us as human beings have been given a golden
>box filled withu nconditional love and kisses from our children, family,
>friends and God. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.
>
>You now have two choices ... you can:
>
>1. Pass this on to your friends, or
>
>2. Delete it and act like it didn't touch your heart.
>
>As you can see, I took choice No.1. Friends are like angels who lift us to
>our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another
part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten
Commandments." answered the lady

When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some minor repairs, I paid $75 by
check as usual. A couple of weeks later, I came home from work to find my wife quite upset. She
gave me the silent treatment until I figured out why she was so angry. She had noticed the
canceled check and, on the memo line I had written "Escort Service."

A parent decreed one Christmas that she was no longer going to remind her children of their
thank-you note duties. As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the
generous checks she had given. The next year things were different, however. "The children
came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly. "How wonderful!"
the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?" "Oh, that's easy," the
grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."

A daughter, thinking she needed breast enhancement (to be like all her friends), went to her
father and asked to have them done for her sixteenth birthday. The wise father, knowing she was
beautiful just as she was, looked at her, looked in his check book and said; "I'm sorry sweetheart,
but we could only afford to do one right now." The subject never came up again.

I went to a Christmas party the other night and was having a real blast. After I'd been there a few
hours(and several, several drinks), I noticed this fabulous blonde standing over to the side. She
was in her early to mid twenties with beautiful long blonde hair down to her waist. She was built
like a brick, well, anyway she was built. The amazing thing was, she kept staring at me and
smiling. Naturally, being a man, I decided to go try my luck. Like they say, nothing ventured,
nothing gained. I went over and stuck up a conversation with her(don't remember about what, but
it had to be very interesting). Well one thing led to another and she invited me back to her place
and being the gentleman I am, I said OK. I'm not going to go into all the details of the
night(mainly because I don't remember), but I awoke the next morning to the aroma of fresh
coffee and bacon frying. I thought now this is great, I think I might have a keeper here. I got up
and got dressed and headed for the kitchen. When I got there her mom (looked to be in her 80's
or 90's) was standing at the stove. Embarrassed, I stammered where's your daughter? She slowly
turned around with a sly little smile on her face and said, I don't have a daughter.

Last year one of our clients, a bedding company, asked us to shoot a picture of all of their
employees, for their X-mas card. The account exec. decided it would be cute if they all wore
sleepwear in the shot, since they manufacture pillows, comforters, etc.. He also decided to have a
cocktail party for them prior to the photo session. This had all of the trappings of disaster, Eighty
people, in their PJs, after a few drinks, climbing up on a six foot tall riser, draped with cloth.
When they all finally straggled into the studio, I had to shout through a bull horn to get their
attention. I asked them to get on the riser, but before I could warn them that the benches had
open spaces under the drapes, they made a mad dash, to get the best spots. Of course the whole
thing collapsed and I was faced with a mass of cloth and people. Clinging to each other and the
risers, laughing and thrashing around, arms and legs askew, with hair sticking up every where.
Frustrated, I shouted over the bullhorn, "HEY, LOOK AT ME." They did, all at one time and I
snapped the shutter at that exact moment. The account exec. was beside himself, he thought the
account was blown for sure. We reassembled and did some straight shots, but they thought the
disastrous was shot so funny, that they used it, and as a bonus when I, as a joke, sent along a tag
line, they used that too. It read,"Hope your holiday parties are as much fun as ours."

A Parents Night Before Christmas


'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,


While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat...


Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,


But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,


All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact


That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,


Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,


We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,


And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,


Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in
the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he
left. Later, the wife's roommate commented, "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."
THE CHRISTMAS HOBBY HORSE: A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a
Christmas present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that
it could be put together in an hour. It took the old man two days to assemble the toy. Finally,
when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the
company

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen
preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," Little Johnny
replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said
Johnny "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other
day.'"

Unauthorized Activity
This one is a genuine hoot. It was an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the
Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait till you read this guy's
response.......but read the letter before you get to the response........
***************************

Mr. Ryan DeVries 2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339 SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been
recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified
as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's
files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this
activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that
one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be
permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location,
and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the
dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,
2002. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site
inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further
unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement
action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free
to contact me at this office if you have any questions. Sincerely, David L. Price District
Representative Land and Water Management Division *******************

This is the actual response sent back........ Dear Mr. Price, Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N;
R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been handed to me to respond to. First of all, Mr. Ryan
DeVries is not the legal Landowner and/or Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am
the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing
and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I
did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended
that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge
your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I
believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their
dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill
out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all
beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating
against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed
copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will
see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. I have several concerns.
My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers
are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to
provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the
dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence,
which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond
Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream
"restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest
them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read
English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized
dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more
dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers)
and the environment (Beavers' Dams.). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam
case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002?
The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or
your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention
to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually
defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and
leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The
bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and
being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your
dam office. Sincerely, Stephen L.Tvedten

Here is one story about people shoveling the snow for a parking space in front their house. This
apparently is a problem for the Chicago police every winter. What happens is that somebody will
park in a nearby parking lot, then slave away for how ever many hours it takes to shovel out a
car-sized space in front of his house, naturally so he can park his car there. Then he goes back to
the lot to get his car. When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some other
car. He is, well, upset. What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them on the
windshield of the offending vehicle. Where the police get involved, however, is the occasional
case where the individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats
have been slashed over this. One time a fellow got creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty, he
got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real well. I mean, very, very
thoroughly. The water, of course, froze solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he
found a car-sized Popsicle. The note on the car read: "You want the space? Here, it's yours until
spring!

Even if you're not a grandparent you will enjoy this. A teacher asked her young pupils how they
spent their vacation. One child wrote the following: We always spend our vacation with
Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded
and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They
live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big
tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a
building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They
play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool
too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody
can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. My grandma
used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man
in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call
it pot luck. My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I
should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the
man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren

When Andrea was planning her upcoming wedding, she asked to wear her mother's wedding
dress. She went to try it on and the gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. As her mother's
eyes welled up with tears, Andrea put an arm around her. "You're not losing a daughter", she
reminded her mother in time-honored fashion, "you're gaining a son." "Oh forget about that!"
said her mother with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"

My husband and I were at the movies recently, when a middle aged couple sat down in front of
us. The man was complaining about being stuffed from dinner and his wife whispered, "Just
loosen your belt a little." He loosened his belt and apparently also undid his button. About half-
way through the movie, a rather large lady, seated on the other side of the couple got up to go out
and when the man stood to let her pass he realized that his zipper had opened, so he attempted to
pull it up while he was standing. When he did the zipper caught on the lady's dress. This caused
her to stop when she felt the tug and she hissed "What are you doing? Let go of me!" He, being
afraid her dress would tear, grabbed her arm and said "Wait, don't move!" Now the lady got a
little louder "LET ME GO!" she cried. This got his wife's attention and she chimmed in, "Harry,
what are you doing, have you lost your mind, let her go!" At this point the lady started jerking at
her dress, causing poor Harry's pelvis to jump forward in a most provocative way. Right at this
moment a movie employee had arrived and spotlighted the scene with a flashlight. There stood
Harry, his belt flopping, his fly unbuttoned, with his pelvis tight against the lady's butt. I could
hear him trying to explain all the way up the aisle, as he shuffled along behind the distraught
lady, with his poor wife in tears following along. I understand they eventually got the whole
mess straightened out, but I was laughing so hard that I couldn't get it under control and had to
leave. Good thing I had read the book.

Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its hot lingerie.
To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed
a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown. This confirmed what I suspected all
along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude. "I see we have the same taste,"
I said proudly to the 20- something behind me. "Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my
grandmother."

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the
guy's window and says, ... Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube. The man says, ...
Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma
attack. ... Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample. ... I can't do
that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death. ... Well, then, we need a urine
sample. ... I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really
low blood sugar. ... All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line. ... I can't
do that, officer. ... Why not? ... Because I'm drunk

I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured
with a lock. I didn't know the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try. Father Jack
placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he
confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Seeing how impressed I was with this
demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling."

Subject: The year is 1902

I thought it was pretty interesting how much things change.

The year is 1902 , one hundred and 1 years ago... what a difference a
century makes. Here are the U.S. statistics for 1902....

The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven.

Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved
roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily


populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents,
California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.

The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist


$2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year,
and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.

Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead,


they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the
press and by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg
yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country
for any reason.

The five leading causes of death in the US were:


1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii
and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30.


Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.

There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

One in ten US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all


Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at
corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the
complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the
bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time


servant or domestic.

There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.

Just think what it will be like in another 100 years. It boggles the
mind

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond,
"I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr.
Pibb."
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier.
So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a
"dark, carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like
a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka
martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo: To all employees; If you must
drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're
drunk than to think you're stupid.

Two Very Good Questions..... Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8
kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before
scrolling down to the answer of this one. Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and
your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates: Candidate A: Associates
with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain
smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps
until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening. Candidate C: He
is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't
had any extramarital affairs. Which of these candidates would be your choice? (Decide first, no
peeking, then scroll down for the answer).

 > > > Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt,


 > > > > Candidate B is Winston Churchill,
 > > > > Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And by the way: Answer to the abortion question if you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone...and remember,
Amateurs built the ark .... Professionals built the Titanic

Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in
good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was,
they'd leave. Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out. "This I've got to see," I
thought. They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they
picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.

I had forgotten to get my estrogen patch prescription refilled, and soon the symptoms of
menopause - hot flashes, forgetfulness, irritability - returned. At the drugstore, I found myself
telling the pharmacist all about my problems. After listening patiently, he asked, "So, how many
people asked you to get this refilled?"

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the 2003 Stella Awards. The Stella's are named
after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds.
That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most uniquely successful lawsuits in the United
States for last year. Actually, joint awards should be given to the plaintiff attorneys and the
flaming idiots on the juries who awarded anything at all to these morons--who deserved
NOTHING!!!! The following are this year's candidates:

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after
breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners
of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little
toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his
neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was
someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by
way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door
opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house
and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found
himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large
bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him
undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000.
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being
bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its
owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have
been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a
pellet gun.

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania,


$113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx! (tailbone). The beverage was on
the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an
argument.

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a
neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two
front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies
room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr.
Grazinski purchased a brand new 32- foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home,
having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers
seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the RV left the
freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the
owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new
motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case
there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

In 1990 a woman entered a Haagen-Dazs in the Kansas City Plaza for an ice-cream cone. While
she was ordering, another customer entered the store. She placed her order, turned and found
herself face to face with Paul Newman. He was in town filming a movie. His blue eyes made her
knees buckle. She finished paying and quickly walked out of the store, her heart still pounding.
Gaining her composure she suddenly realized she didn't have her cone; she turned to go back in.
At the door she again came face-to-face with Paul Newman who was coming out. He said to her,
"Are you looking for your ice-cream cone?" Unable to utter a word she nodded yes. "You put it
in your purse with your change."

WASHINGTON, DC (AheadOfNews.com) - In a surprise statement made after two nearly


sleepless nights, George W. Bush has stated that Iraq must hand over the Easter Bunny or face
military action.
"I wasn't quite sure how to take that," said a Washington insider who asked not to be named. "At
first I thought it was a code phrase, or something. Then I realized he'd been working on his State
of the Union speech for almost 48 hours straight, and he might just be sleepwalking."
Other Washington insiders agree, suggesting that this may be the first recorded episode of
presidential somnambulation.
Colin Powell rushed to Bush's defense however, and insisted that the president was neither
talking in his sleep nor using a code phrase. "We have evidence obtained from our own sources
that Saddam Hussein has the Easter Bunny, and that he's been using deception and stalling tactics
to prevent the UN inspection team from finding him."
Powell continued "Let me make this perfectly clear - absence of evidence is not evidence of
absence. It's not up to us to prove that Iraq has the Easter Bunny. It's up to Iraq to prove that it
does not. If Saddam Hussein can't do something this simple, it's absolute proof that they are not
only deliberately hiding the Easter Bunny, but also biological, chemical, and nuclear weapons of
mass destruction."

One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home
from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to
myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd."

I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow
afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.

As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his
books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I
saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible
sadness in his eyes.

My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his
glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks.
They really should get lives." He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile on
his face.

It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.

I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me,
so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before
now.

I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I
carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play
a little football with my friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to
know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.

Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him
and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books
everyday!" He just laughed and handed me half the books.

Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors, we began to
think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke. I knew that we
would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor,
and I was going for business on a football scholarship.

Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to
prepare a speech for graduation.
I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He
looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled
out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him.
Boy, sometimes I was jealous.

Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked
him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me with one of those
looks (the really grateful one) and smiled.
"Thanks," he said.

As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. "Graduation is a time to thank those
who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings,
maybe a coach...but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to
someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story."

I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had
planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his
Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.

He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. "Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me
from doing the unspeakable."

I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his
weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile.
Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.

Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a
person's life. For better or for worse.

God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way. Look for God in others.

You now have two choices, you can: 1) Pass this on to your friends or 2) Delete it and act like it
didn't touch your heart.

As you can see, I took choice number 1. "Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our
wings have trouble remembering how to fly."

It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you
consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.

Dumb is Good
A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with an older friend. The guy at the
door asked for my ID. I gave him my driver's license, which of course had my date of birth
printed on it. He looked at it and said, "You have to be 21 to get in here." I replied, "That ID is a
few years old." He looked at it again for a moment, then said, "Oh, OK" and let me in.

34 Reasons why it feels good to be a man

1. Football.
2. Understanding football (any football).
3. A five-day holiday requires one overnight bag.
4. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
5. Queues for the bathroom don't exist.
6. You can open all your jars.
7. When clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at every shot of some one drying.
8. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around.
9. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
10. When your work is criticised, you understand that everyone doesn't secretly hate you
11. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
12. You can shower and be ready to go in 10 minutes
13. You save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week.
14. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
15. If someone forgets to invite you to something, it means they forgot to invite you. It doesn't
mean they hate you, and they still can be your friend.
16. None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.
17. If you are 34 and still single, nobody even notices.
18. Biological clock!? What is that?
19. Chocolate is just another snack.
20. Flowers fix everything.
21. Reverse parking is easy.
22. Window-shopping is what you do when you buy windows.
23. Michael Bolton does not exist in your universe.
24. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
25. You can quietly watch a game on TV with a buddy for hours without ever thinking he is mad
at you.
26. One mood, all the time
27. Same work, more pay!
28. Grey hair and wrinkles add character.
29. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
30. If you don't call your buddy when you had said you would, he won't tell your other friends
and they won't try and work out what the problem is.
31. Dieting involves getting regular-sized fries with your burger.
32. You don't have to remember everyone's birthday and anniversaries.
33. Farts are (still) funny.
34. You can send this to males and not have to worry about them being offended.

Inspirational Posters For The Cubicle Era


Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who
opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely
understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times
gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
adult's class. After exploring the commandment to "honor thy father and thy
mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat
our spouses?" Without missing a beat one older man answered, "Thou shall
not kill."

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked
because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my
arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their
name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is
located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their
company for as long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you
been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she
tries to figure out where the h-l she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,
reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends ....would
you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they
could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When
they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card
number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they
will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the
telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say
"I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The
telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Say good
bye - and Hang up.

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on
Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

1. And first and foremost: Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want
to write EVERY WORD down.
There was once an Indian man called Raju who was
>involved in a car accident. At the hospital, when he awoke, he called
>for the nurse to tell him what had happened to him. "I'm very sorry, sir, but
>you were involved in a very bad car crash". "Car crash! My Porsche! my
>Porsche! is my car all right?" he asked hysterically. "Sir, your car
>was destroyed, but that is the least of
>your worries you lost your left arm in the crash, and we were unable to
>save it",she said apologetically. "I lost my arm? My Rolex! My
>Rolex!" "Sir, please calm down. That is the least of your worries.
>You are in a very critical condition, but all your family are here to see
>you". He asked for his family to be called in. As they gathered around the
>bed,he called for each of them by name. "Shilpa, are you here?" "I am
>here husband, and I will never leave you". "Dilip, are you here?" "I am
>here father, and I will never leave you". "Anil, are you here?" "I am here
>father, and I will never leave you." "Priya,
>my child, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave
>you." "Well," said Raju thoughtfully, "if Shilpa, Dilip, Anil and Priya are
>here - if all of you are here, WHO THE HELL IS IN THE SHOP?!!!!"

A minister passing through his church


>
>in the middle of the day,
>
>Decided to pause by the altar
>
>and see who had come to pray.
>
>
>
>Just then the back door opened,
>
>a man came down the aisle,
>
>The minister frowned as he saw
>
>the man hadn't shaved in a while.
>
>
>
>His shirt was shabby, old
>
>and his coat was worn and frayed,
>
>the man knelt, he bowed his head,
>
>then rose and walked away.
>
>
>
>In the days that followed,
>
>each noon time came this chap,
>
>each time he knelt just for a moment,
>
>a lunch pail in his lap.
>
>
>
>Well, the minister's suspicions grew,
>
>with robbery a main fear,
>
>He decided to stop the man and ask him,
>
>"What are you doing here?"
>
>
>
>The old man said he worked down the road.
>
>Lunch was half an hour.
>
>Lunchtime was his prayer time,
>
>for finding strength and power.
>
>
>
>"I stay only moments, see,
>
>because the factory is so far away;
>
>as I kneel here talking to the Lord,
>
>this is what I say:
>
>
>
>"I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, LORD,
>
>HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN,
>
>SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHER'S FRIENDSHIP
>
>AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN.
>
>DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, BUT I
>
>THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY.
>
>SO, JESUS, THIS IS JIM CHECKING IN TODAY."
>
>
>
>The minister feeling foolish,
>
>told Jim, that was fine.
>
>He told the man he was welcome
>
>to come and pray just anytime.
>
>
>
>Time to go, Jim smiled, and said
>
>"Thanks." He sped to the door.
>
>The minister knelt at the altar,
>
>he'd never done it before.
>
>
>
>His cold heart melted, warmed with love,
>
>and met with Jesus there.
>
>As the tears flowed, in his heart,
>
>he repeated old Jim's prayer:
>
>
>
>HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN,
>
>SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHER'S FRIENDSHIP
>
>AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN.
>
>I DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, BUT I
>
>THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY.
>
>SO, JESUS, THIS IS ME CHECKING IN TODAY."
>
>
>
>Past noon one day, the minister noticed
>
>that old Jim hadn't come.
>
>As more days passed without Jim,
>
>he began to worry some.
>
>
>
>At the factory, he asked about him,
>
>learning he was ill.
>
>The hospital staff was worried,
>
>but he'd given them a thrill.
>
>
>
>The week that Jim was with them,
>
>brought changes in the ward.
>
>His smiles, a joy contagious.
>
>Changed people, were his reward.
>
>
>
>The head nurse couldn't understand
>
>why Jim was so glad,
>
>when no flowers, calls or cards came,
>
>not a visitor he had.
>
>
>
>The minister stayed by his bed,
>
>he voiced the nurse's concern:
>
>No friends came to show they cared.
>
>He had nowhere to turn.
>
>
>
>Looking surprised, old Jim spoke up
>
>and with a winsome smile;
>
>"The nurse is wrong, she couldn't know,
>
>that in here all the while
>
>everyday at noon He's here,
>
>a dear friend of mine, you see,
>
>He sits right down, takes my hand,
>
>leans over and says to me:
>
>"I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, JIM,
>
>HOW HAPPY I HAVE BEEN,
>
>SINCE WE FOUND THIS FRIENDSHIP,
>
>AND I TOOK AWAY YOUR SIN.
>
>ALWAYS LOVE TO HEAR YOU PRAY,
>
>I THINK ABOUT YOU EACH DAY,
>
>AND SO JIM, THIS IS JESUS
>
>CHECKING IN TODAY."
>
>
>
>If this blesses you, pass it on... Many
>
>people will walk in and out of
>
>your life, but only true friends will
>
>leave footprints in your heart.
>
>
ORIGINAL VERSION
> 1. Once upon a time a tortoise and a hare had an argument about who was
> faster. They decided to settle the argument with a race. They agreed on a
> route and started off the race. The hare shot ahead and ran briskly for
> some time. Then seeing that he was far ahead of the tortoise, he thought
> he'd sit under a tree for some time and relax before continuing the race.
>
> He sat under the tree and soon fell asleep. The tortoise plodding on
> overtook him and soon finished the race, emerging as the undisputed champ.
>
>
> The moral of the story is that slow and steady wins the race. This is the
> version of the story that we've all grown up with.
>
> NEW VERSION
> 2. But then recently, someone told me a more interesting version of this
> story. It continues.
>
> The hare was disappointed at losing the race and he did some
> soul-searching. He realised that he'd lost the race only because he had
> been overconfident, careless and lax. If he had not taken things for
> granted, there's no way the tortoise could have beaten him. So he
> challenged the tortoise to another race. The tortoise agreed.
>
> This time, the hare went all out and ran without stopping from start to
> finish. He won by several miles.
>
> The moral of the story? Fast and consistent will always beat the slow and
> steady. If you have two people in your organization, one slow, methodical
> and reliable, and the other fast and still reliable at what he does, the
> fast and reliable chap will consistently climb the organizational ladder
> faster than the slow, methodical chap.
>
> It's good to be slow and steady; but it's better to be fast and reliable.
>
> 3. But the story doesn't end here. The tortoise did some thinking this
> time, and realized that there's no way he can beat the hare in a race the
> way it was currently formatted. He thought for a while, and then
> challenged the hare to another race, but on a slightly different route.
>
> The hare agreed. They started off. In keeping with his self-made
> commitment to be consistently fast, the hare took off and ran at top speed
> until he came to a broad river. The finishing line was a couple of
> kilometres on the other side of the river.
>
> The hare sat there wondering what to do. In the meantime the tortoise
> trundled along, got into the river, swam to the opposite bank, continued
> walking and finished the race.
>
> The moral of the story? First identify your core competency and then
> change the playing field to suit your core competency.
>
> In an organization, if you are a good speaker, make sure you create
> opportunities to give presentations that enable the senior management to
> notice you.
>
> If your strength is analysis, make sure you do some sort of research, make
> a report and send it upstairs.
>
> Working to your strengths will not only get you noticed, but will also
> create opportunities for growth and advancement.
>
> The story still hasn't ended!!
>
> 4. The hare and the tortoise, by this time, had become pretty good friends
> and they did some thinking together. Both realized that the last race
> could have been run much better. So they decided to do the last race
> again, but to run as a team this time.
>
> They started off, and this time the hare carried the tortoise till the
> riverbank. There, the tortoise took over and swam across with the hare on
> his back. On the opposite bank, the hare again carried the tortoise and
> they reached the finishing line together. They both felt a greater sense
> of satisfaction than they'd felt earlier.
>
> The moral of the story? It's good to be individually brilliant and to have
> strong core competencies; but unless you're able to work in a team and
> harness each other's core competencies, you'll always perform below par
> because there will always be situations at which you'll do poorly and
> someone else does well.
>
> Teamwork is mainly about situational leadership, letting the person with
> the relevant core competency for a situation take leadership.
>
> There are more lessons to be learnt from this story. Note that neither the
> hare nor the tortoise gave up after failures.
>
> The hare decided to work harder and put in more effort after his failure.
>
> The tortoise changed his strategy because he was already working as hard
> as he could.
>
> In life, when faced with failure, sometimes it is appropriate to work
> harder and put in more effort. Sometimes it is appropriate to change
> strategy and try something different. And sometimes it is appropriate to
> do both.
>
> The hare and the tortoise also learnt another vital lesson. When we stop
> competing against a rival and instead start competing against the
> situation, we perform far better.
>
> When Roberto Goizueta took over as CEO of Coca-Cola in the 1980s, he was
> faced with intense competition from Pepsi that was eating into Coke's
> growth. His executives were Pepsi-focused and intent on increasing market
> share 0.1 per cent a time.
>
> Goizueta decided to stop competing against Pepsi and instead compete
> against the situation of 0.1 per cent growth.
>
> He asked his executives what was the average fluid intake of an American
> per day? The answer was 14 ounces. What was Coke's share of that? Two
> ounces. Goizueta said Coke needed a larger share of that market. The
> competition wasn't Pepsi. It was the water, tea, coffee, milk and fruit
> juices that went into the remaining 12 ounces. The public should reach for
> a Coke whenever they felt like drinking something.
>
>
> To this end, Coke put up vending machines at every street corner. Sales
> took a quantum jump and Pepsi has never quite caught up since.
>
> To sum up, the story of the hare and tortoise teaches us many things.
>
> Chief among them are that fast and consistent will always beat slow and
> steady; work to your competencies; pooling resources and working as a team
> will always beat individual performers; never give up when faced with
> failure; and finally, compete against the situation not against a rival
>
>

Subject: Petrol Prices.

We received the following message from the UK which is very interesting but will it work? We
are willing to give it a go - how about you? The price of petrol has gone up by Ksh 2 in the last 3
months! We are now paying almost Ksh 62 per litre up from Kshs 54 last year!!!! This is
preposterous, but we can do something about it.
We are going to hit close to Ksh 80 a litre by the summer, or it may be even higher. Would you
rather petrol prices came down instead? We need to take some intelligent, united action!!!

Philip Hollsworth, offered this good idea, and it makes MUCH MORE SENSE than the "don't
buy petrol on a certain day" campaign that was going around last April/May! The oil companies
just laughed at that because they knew we wouldn't continue to "hurt ourselves" by refusing to
buy petrol. It was more inconvenient to us than it was a problem for them. BUT, whoever
thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that can really work. Please read it and join in!

PLAN

Now that the oil company cartels and the OPEC nations have conditioned us to think that the
cost of a litre is CHEAP at 77p -80p, we need to take aggressive action to teach them that
BUYERS control the market, not sellers. With the price of petrol going up more each day, we
consumers need to take action. The only way we are going to see the price of petrol come down
is if we hit someone in the pocket by not purchasing their Petrol!

And we can do that WITHOUT hurting ourselves either. Here's the idea:
For the rest of this year (or until the desired effect is achieved),

DON'T purchase ANY petrol from the two biggest oil companies (which now are one), MOBIL
and BP/SHELL. If they are not selling any petrol, they will quickly reduce their prices. If they
reduce their prices, the other companies will have to follow suit.

But to have an impact, we need to reach literally MILLIONS of Mobil and BP/Shell petrol
buyers. It's really simple to do!! Now, don't wimp out at this point...keep reading and we will
explain how simple it is to reach millions of people!! We are sending this note to a lot of people.
If each of you sent it to at least ten more, then 30 x 10 = 300... and those 300 send it to at least
ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000) ... and so on, by the time the message reaches only the sixth
generation of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers! If those three
million get excited and pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been
contacted! If it goes one level further, yes - you're right... .. THREE HUNDRED MILLION
PEOPLE!!!

Again, all you have to do is send this to a minimum of 10 people. That's all (and NOT buy your
petrol at MOBIL/BP/SHELL). How long will all this take? - if everyone sends this email out to
ten more people within one day of receipt, all 300 MILLION people could conceivably be
contacted within the next 8 days!!! We will bet you didn't think you had that much potential, did
you! Acting together we CAN DEFINITELY make a difference. If this makes sense to you
please, please pass this message on NOW.
PLEASE HOLD OUT UNTIL THEIR PRICES GO BELOW SHS. 55/= A LITRE. (They would
still make a healthy profit at these prices).

It's easy to make this happen. Just forward this email, and buy your petrol at Caltex, Total etc.-
i.e. boycott BP/Shell and Mobil.

How about this one?

Union Européenne.

Le président de la séance, un Belge, met la motion aux voix. Au premier tour du vote, une dame
s’abstient. Pareillement au 2ème tour. Au troisième tour, le président ne daigne même pas donner
à Madame la possibilité de voter.

Madame s’insurge.

Le président s’étonne:

“ Mais Madame, je vous ai sauté la première fois, je vous ai sauté la deuxième fois et cette fois-
ci vous ne voulez pas que je vous saute!”

Les francophones éclatent de rire alors que les anglphones restent perplexe, les interprètes ayant
traduit correctement: I skipped you.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water
glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous
and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his
ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my
body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at
St. Taffy's.

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here
are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to
ask, What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit
around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And
it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she


is,what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the
age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's
doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match


with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if
they think they can get away with it...

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know
what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins
to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is


not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier
than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off
you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to
wonder where you stand with her....

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.


Unfortunately, it's not always reciprocal. For every stunning,
smart, well-coiffed, hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy
relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-
old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize for all of us.


Andy Rooney

A young married couple lived in a cheap housing complex.

Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that
they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning
the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the
telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet
her neighbor.

"Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of toilet


paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"

The old Chief finally retired from the Navy and got that chicken
ranch he always wanted. He took with him his lifelong pet parrot.
First morning at 04:30, the parrot squawked and said, "Off yer
hocks and don yer socks. Reveille"

The old chief told the parrot, "we are no longer in the Navy. Go
back to sleep." The next morning, the parrot did the same thing.
The old Chief told the parrot, "Look, if you keep this up, I will
put you out in the chicken pen."

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the
parrot in the chicken pen. About 06:30, the Chief was awakened by
one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what
was the matter.

The parrot had about 40 white chickens in formation and on the


ground lay 3 bruised and beaten brown ones. The parrot was
saying, "By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean
Khakis!"

BALLO M. Prosper
Représentant commercial
05 BP: 1856 Cotonou
E-mail megnonglo@yahoo.fr
GSM 00229 90 87 67
Rép - Bénin ( Afrique de l'Ouest ) .

Cher Monsieur ,

Je viens par le présent message vous soumettre une opporunité d'affaire pour laquelle je
recherche actrivement un partenaire sérieux qui doit rester dans la stricte confidentielité .
En effet , j'ai aidé la fille de Monsieur Général Guéi , tué en Côte d'Ivoire en Septembre
dernier qui réside actuellement à Cotonou . Mon amie , madame Brigitte Guéi détient une
somme de : 22.000.000 Millions dollars U$ qu'elle désirait transférer sur compte à l'étranger
pour les investissements dans de différents projets de votre choix .
Avec mon dynamisme nous avons pu transporter la caisse contenant les fonds par la voie
maritime de la Côte d'Ivoire puis déposé dans une compagnie de sécurité à Cotonou à laquelle
nous avons déclaré qu'à l'intérieur de cette caisse se trouvent des documents précieux .
Ceci étant , la stricte confidence de cette opporunité nous oblige à faire recours à vous qui
saurez mieux apprécier la présente opportunité dans la mesure où :
A- 20% vous revient de droit .
B- 75% pour le propriétaire des fonds et moi-même.
C- 5% seront destinés aux divers ( y compris les frais de vos déplacements)
Les trois points ci-dessus cités seront respectés au vu du contrat qui sera signé entre nous dès
votre arrivée à Cotonou .
En espérant une réaction de votre part , recevez cher Monsieur mes sincères et meilleures
salutations .

NB: Répondez par mail ou par mon téléphone .


Très confidentiel .

Ballo M. Prosper .
>From: "GITHOITHO, Andrew"
>Reply-To: "GITHOITHO, Andrew"
>To: Aimée (E-mail) , "Barbara (E-mail)" , "Beatrice Gitaka (E-mail)" , "Bijou (E-mail)" ,
"consolata wambui (E-mail)" , "Dennis Mucheru (E-mail)" , "Edmund Juma (E-mail)" , "Edward
Kimotho (E-mail)" , "Elizabeth Murage (E-mail)" , "Esther (E-mail)" , "eunice muturi (E-mail)" ,
"Eva Shiraku (E-mail)" , "evelyn mathara (E-mail)" , "Flavia (E-mail)" , "irene kioko (E-mail)" ,
"Kindel Ludeki (E-mail)" , "Larry Asego (E-mail)" , "Linda (E-mail)" , "Magdaline Musyoka (E-
mail)" , "Michel Kirumba (E-mail)" , "Muratha (E-mail)" , "Nancy Njeri (E-mail)" , "Rose
wambui (E-mail)" , "Shadrack care (E-mail)" , "Sheila Mutembei (E-mail)" , "Virginie Noyal (E-
mail)"
>Subject: Essaiyons!!
>Date: Thu, 11 Sep 2003 03:05:55 -0400
>
>Pendant que vous êtes assis à votre bureau, levez votre jambe droite et
>formez des cercles en tournant dans le sens des aiguilles d'une montre.
>Ensuite, pendant que vous faites cela, dessinez le chiffre "6" dans les
>airs, avec votre main droite.
>Votre pied va changer de direction!
>C'est con, mais c'est vrai!
>
>André!

>Good morning...have you done the 2 most important things when you woke
>up 2day?
>1)Pray,so that u may live
>2)Take a bath-so that others may live too!

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm,


>his mother asks if he had done his chores.
>"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't
>have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked
>off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and kicks a chicken. He goes to
>feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he
>kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a
>bowl of dry cereal.
> "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have milk
>in my cereal?"
> "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you don't get any
>eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get
>any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week
>you aren't getting any milk."
> Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the
>pussycat as he's walking into the kitchen.
> The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
>"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
>

THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE"


> > Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the
>sun every year.
> > How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
> > Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
> > Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
> > Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than
>the people who have to wait for them?
> > Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
> > If Safaricom & Kencell are lowering prices every day, how come nothing is
>free yet?
> > You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to
>one person.
> > Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
> > Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
> > We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some
>are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they
>all exist very nicely in the same box.
> > A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
> > Have an awesome day, and know that someone who thinks you're great has
>thought about you today!..
> > "And that person was me.".....
> > With love!!
> Dru!!!!
>

MessageRead it all,it is interesting.yambukai.

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the


responsibility to marry the perfect woman so
they could produce beautiful children beyond compare
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning,


gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer,
asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the
right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.


The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,


not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one


of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit,
not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl


to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,


"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He
rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing
could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer,


"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."
If this brightened your day, don't let it stop here Pass it on to
your friends. Beauty Lies in the Heart and not in Looks.......... But Seldom People
understand this

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks a student,


"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go pee."

Teacher; "That would be rude and impolite."

"What about you, Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter; "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right
back."

Teacher; "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
'bathroom' at the dinner table."

"And you, Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for
Once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny; "Yes. I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I Have to go and shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope
you'll get to meet after supper."

The teacher fainted.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,


trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the
body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate


oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I


process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the


body wherever it ! n eeds to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the


body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm


responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And


insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the


stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the
blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?

The asshole is usually in charge !!

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....

who gives a Shit

-----> > > IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10
cell.
> > > AT WORK... you spend the majorityof your time in a 6X8 desk
> > > cubicle.
> > >
> > > IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
> > > AT WORK...you only get a break forone meal and you pay for it.
> > >
> > > IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour
> > > AT WORK...you get more work forgood behaviour.
> > >
> > > IN PRISON..the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
> > > AT WORK...you must carry around asecurity card and open all the
> > > doors for yourself.
> > >
> > > IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
> > > AT WORK...you get fired forwatching TV and playing games.
> > >
> > > IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
> > > AT WORK...you have to share withsome idiot who pees on the seat.
> > >
> > > IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit
> > > AT WORK...you can't even speak toyour family on the phone.
> > >
> > > IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
> > > AT WORK...you get to pay all theexpenses to go to work and then
> > > they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
> > >
> > > IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
> > > AT WORK...they are calledmanagers.
> > >
> > > Have a Great Day at WORK - I'mgoing to PRISON!!!

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky,

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an African ,

using Bill Gates 's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that use Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,
transported by Pakistan lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friend, is Globalization !!!!

Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are the rules!
(Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.. We need it up, you need
it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do
not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or
angry,
we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as
baseball,
the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight,
but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!

Letter of recommendation

1 Phineas Dlamini, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2 hard at work in his cubicle. Phineas works independently, without


3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Phineas never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Phineas is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Phineas can be
10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Phineas be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Remember this?

THE DONKEY

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for
hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal
was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to
retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel
and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was
happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished
at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing
something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would
shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon,
everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily
trotted off!

MORAL :
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of
the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a
steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never
giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

You have two choices...smile and close this page, or pass this along to someone else
to spread the fun. I know what I did!!
Read Slowly...

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?


Saying something and wishing you hadn't?
or
Saying nothing and wishing you had?

I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say.

Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might
break your heart...if you don't, you might break theirs.

Have u ever decided not to become a couple because you were so


afraid of losing what you already had with that person?

Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't.

You can't tell your heart what to do.

It does it on its own.... when you least suspect it, or even when you
don't want it to.

Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had,
but that other perso n was too afraid to let you?

Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too
much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even
at all.

Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear
of rejection was too hard to handle?

We tell lies when we are afraid...


afraid of what we don't know,

afraid of what others will think,


afraid of what will be found out about us.

But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.

Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump.


Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done,
or could have had.

*What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say
good-bye?

*What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would
never be there?
*What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you
never got to tell them how you felt?
(even if it is that you don't care anymore)
*What would you do if you loved someone
more than ever and you couldn't have them?

*What would you do if you never got the chance to say I am friends
with all of my family and they know I love them?

People live, but people die.


And I want to tell you that you are a friend.

If you died tomorrow (God Forbid), you wou ld be in my heart.


Would I be in yours?

If you care about me as


much as I care about you, you will send this back.

We might be best friends one year,

pretty good friends the next year,

don't talk that often the next,

and don't want to talk at all the year after that.

So, I just wanted to say,

even if I never talk to you again in my life,


you are special to me and
you have made a difference in my life,

I look up to you,
respect you, and
truly cherish you.

Send this to all your friends,

no matter how often you talk,

or how close you are,

and send it to the person who sent it to you.

know you
Let old friends
haven't forgotten them,

and tell new friends you

never will.

Remember, every one needs a friend,


someday you might feel like you have
NO FRIENDS at all,

just remember this e-mail

and take comfort in knowing

somebody out there cares about you


and always will.
I LOVE YOU!!!!
Send this to all the friends that you have...all the
friends that you've lost...and to all the friends
you've lost touch with...just to let them
know that you care...send this back to the person
who sent it to you if
you consider them a friend as well.

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to
send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior. When his
wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about
the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress.
"She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.

The disheartened man then arranged a meeting with his cheating mistress to ask her the same
questions about his wife.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and
somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves."

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The
doctor quickly responded, " R5,000 for a male brain, and R200 for a female
brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control
his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the
male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price
of the female brains, because they've actually been used, the male brains
are hardly ever used by the owners. so they are as good as new"

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN YOU
THINK CAN
HANDLE IT

> My husband gave me very good excuses for me to look for someone to
> satisfy my needs. He had an affair and apologised. He repented for a
> while, then started again, this time more discreetly.
>
> I used to have endless migrane, depression and was on the brink of
> madness. But he never seemed to care.
>
> Ndakazama zvese zvandingagone for the marriage to work, but to no avail.
> Kumbonamata, kugeza ka4 pazuva etc. Chaaishora ndakachishaya. I am an
> attractive professional woman with a good job, good salary. I gave him 1
> girl and twin boys. Wat more does he want? a woman who bears him quads?
>
> Manje NO NDAKARAMBA, AM STILL VERY YOUNG.
> A mature lady in her 40's whom i told the problem was surprised i did
> not have a boyfriend. she said these days, few satisfied married women
> are faithful.' Vese vaunoona ava vanonyengwa kuside vane anonzi ma "pain
> ease".Meaning the extra boyfriend to talk to and cry to and get sex from
> . But iva nehana' Women are more subtle and successful in their
> extramarital affairs.
>
> She gave me one RULE; KEEP YOUR MAN. If you leave him you may find a
> worse devil. Man shag other women at one point or another in their lives
>
> THATS EXACTLY WHAT I DID. i found me a guy who satisfies my physical
> needs. he is also married so fair game.Ende boyfriend munongoziyawo
> manyawi inobva yaita sex yesvoto chaiyo ,ende he takes me to places that
> I just never thought existed.He sends the sweetest of messages and we
> can be on the fone for hours while my husband is out doing his thing.
> All of a sudden I think he is much smarter than my husband, way much
> smarter. The husband takes care of the finance, 'security' and
> occassional sex etc. Surprisingly, its working. i dont whinge to hubby
> anymore, i dont stalk his every movement, because i am also a busy
> woman.
> Varume vanoda pambokwirwa nemumwe. recipe iyi inoshanda manje. Hubby
> actually said i am now a mature woman. MATURE indeed!

Men love to have wives who let them be and who never ask questions. What
men don't know is that the moment a woman stops asking she has merely
stopped caring. Either her attention is on someone else or she is
working on plan B.

A newly married girl said she admires our marriage, she said 'You two
love each other' and i told her for a marriage to work, 'IT takes TWO.'

Tit for tat. newton's third law of motion; "For every action, there is
an equal and opposite reaction."

"Teacher," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked the Sunday school teacher.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea,
right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er... right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of

> >Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin'
somethin' important, right?"
>>
"All that is right, too," agreed the teacher. "So what's your question?"
>
What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups
doin'?"

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail
addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help
you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60)
years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends ! I know you want to.

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma,
"Where's Mom and Dad?" And she replied, "They're up in bed." The little boy
started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came
back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" And she
replied,"They're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle
and he ate his lunch and went out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma,
"Where's Mom and Dad?" And his grandmother replied, "They're still up in
bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What
gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh!
What is going on here?"

The little boy replied, "Well, last night Daddy came into my bedroom and
asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue!" He must have got
himself stuck somewhere in his room. Grandma fainted.

A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF MISCOMMUNICATION!

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around
his neck: "Darling, I have great news:

" I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave
me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because
the young couple hasn't paid their last bill:

"Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"


"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, ! it's in our files!" says the man from the electric
company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Absolutely."
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull,
rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next
morning.
"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month
overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to
do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

This is supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line.
Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is
currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "termination without
cause".
This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal :

> "Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"


> "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
> "What sort of trouble?"
> "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
> "Went away?"
> "They disappeared."
> "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
> "Nothing."
> "Nothing?"
> "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
> "Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"
> "How do I tell?"
> "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
> "What's a sea-prompt?"
> "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
> "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
> "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
> "What's a monitor?"
> "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
> "Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
> "I don't know."
> "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the powercord
> goes into it. Can you see that?"
> "Yes, I think so."
> "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
> ".......Yes, it is."
> "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
> "No."
> "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
> "Okay, here it is."
> "Follow it for me,and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your
computer."
> "I can't reach."
> "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
> "No."
> "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
> "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
> "Dark?"
> "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the
window."
> "Well, turn on the office light then."
> "I can't."
> "No? Why not?"
> "Because there's a power outage."
> "A power............ A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
> "Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?"
> "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
> "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
> when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
> "Really? Is it that bad?"
> "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
> "Well, ......all right then, .......I suppose. What do I tell them?"
> "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

"Questions"

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between


three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full
of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that
haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for
over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they
both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How
can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put
all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any
dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray
when you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can


find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would
think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with
it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you
still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you
might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!

READY FOR THE ANSWERS?

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her


husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in
the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which
jug.

4. The answer is Charcoal. In Homer Simpson's


words: "hmmmm...Barbecue.
"

5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

6. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English
language, does not appear once in the long paragraph

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.


"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

We won't tell. Get more on shows you hate to love


(and love to hate): Yahoo! TV's Guilty Pleasures list.
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move
faster
than the one you are in now.
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an
engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will
begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had
a T-
jam, the next morning you will have a T jam.

BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know


increases when you
are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't
work, it
will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to


the reach.

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will
ask
you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit
the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you
may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go
up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men
have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the
Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the
Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks,
but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men
have job s, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and
help with the housework "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly
stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These
men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous,
help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who
can handle the truth!
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
Taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
The party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.


Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
Is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
Next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing
In front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,


Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
Cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in


Red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
You your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot


breakfast,steaminghot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what
Happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell
Over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
hallway,andgot that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order
And so clean?

I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"


His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
She tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If


you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
come back.

Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
although their insurance rates went way up.
-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"

Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
good for dandruff.
 Peter de Vries

If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to
get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.
See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving
the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting
that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The
college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious
and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to
rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective.
Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure
interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by
opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for
himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for
boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Si les câlins étaient des feuilles ,


Je te donnerais un arbre,

Si la vie était une planète,


Je te donnerais une galaxie,
Si l' amitié était une vie,
Je te donnerais la mienne.

c' est la semaine des meilleur(e)s ami(es)


Envoies ce message à ceux que tu considères comme des amis,
A moi aussi si j' en fais partie,

S 'il te reviens plus de trois fois,


Tu es quelqu'un d' adorable.

STRESS
I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description
before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St.
Mary's Hospital.
Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored,
scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under
stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between
the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.
Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a
vacation.
No Need to Reply, I'll be in Mombasa on Vacation
Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, mothers!!!

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for
six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all
homework, and complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of
'pretend' bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send
cards out on time--no emailing.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist
appointment and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent
Care.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting
flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores
are done.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn himself with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished and eyebrows
groomed.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps,
back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain
or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to
spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed
them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to
know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe
size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time
of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite
snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want
to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only
if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the
next 18-25 years eventually earning the right to be called Mother!

After you get done laughing, send this to as many females as you think will get a
kick out of it and as many men as you think can handle it. Just don't send it back
to me....

IsaSoares

Girl's Diary VS boy's Diary


HER DIARY

------------------

Day night, I thought he was acting


weird. We had made plans to meet at a
cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, soIely thought he was
upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I
suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I
asked him what was wrong - he said,

"Nothing."I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me
and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain
his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed.
About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to
confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else.

My life is gonna be a disaster.


_______________________________
HIS DIARY
Today Arsenal lost
against Man U.
DAMN
IT.
Simplicity of Men
Vs
Complexity of Women !!!

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal,
where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote
because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is
cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you
keep
looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their
asses!

5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the
cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'....
Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been
anything
before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell??


Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came
would I be standing here, dumbass?

*** Forward this to at least 5 people and see what comes on


your screen, you will laugh your head off!!!!!!! This works.
I don't….

Donne ce texte à ton curé et demande-lui de prendre ces trois cribles comme thème de son
sermon au moins trois fois par trimestre...

NCREDIBY GOOD ADVICE:

LES 3 PASSOIRES

Socrate avait, dans la Grèce antique, une haute opinion de


la sagesse. Quelqu'un vient un jour trouver le grand
philosophe et lui dit :

'Sais-tu ce que je viens d'apprendre sur ton ami?

- Un instant, répondit Socrate. Avant que tu me racontes,


j'aimerais te faire passer un test,
Celui des 3 passoires :

- Les 3 passoires?

Mais oui, reprit Socrate. Avant de me raconter toutes sortes de


choses sur les autres, il est bon de prendre le temps de filtrer ce
que l'on aimerait dire.

C'est ce que j'appelle le test des 3 passoires. La première passoire est celle de la vérité. As-tu
vérifié si ce que tu veux me dire est vrai?

- Non. J'en ai simplement entendu parler...


- Très bien. Tu ne sais donc pas si c'est la vérité.

Essayons de filtrer autrement en utilisant une deuxième passoire, celle de la bonté. Ce que tu
veux m'apprendre sur mon ami, est-ce quelque chose de bon ?

- Ah non ! Au contraire.

- Donc, continua Socrate, tu veux me raconter de Mauvaises choses sur lui et tu n'es même pas
certain si elles sont vraies. Tu peux peut-être encore passer le test, car il reste une passoire, celle
de l'utilité. Est-il utile que tu m'apprennes ce que mon ami aurait fait ?

- Non. Pas vraiment.

Alors, conclut Socrate, si ce que tu as à me raconter n'est ni vrai, ni bien, ni utile, pourquoi
vouloir me le dire ?'

Have a good one! Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his Italian-born nurse. Eventually, she became pregnant by
him. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave the nurse some money and asked her to go to Italy
and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of all the
child's expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by
and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office, "Dear, you received a very strange
postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He
asked her what she thought might have caused the cardiac arrest. The wife picked up the card
and read it to him: "Four Spaghettis: Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

~*SPECIAL PEOPLE*~

This is sent to the special people in my life. I am


sending this to you, to see how many of you actually
read your e-mail!

Your response will be interesting!


Here goes:

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or


a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know
exactly what to do. When someone is in your life for a
REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have
expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to
assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with
guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do
something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a
stand. What we must realize is that our need has been
met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The
prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now
time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is


because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you an experience of peace or make you
laugh. They may teach you something you have never
done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of
joy. Believe it! It is real!, but, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;


those things you must build upon in order to have a
solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the
lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what
you have learned to use in all other relationships and
areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is a


blessing. Thank you for being a part of my life. Smile
and stop here if you're not into this final part: This
is to show people you love them and to see how many
people love you!!!!!!

Don't feel embarrassed because only you will get the


results. Send it to every friend that you have online,
including the person who sent it to you.

0 Replies = you may need to work on your "people skills"

2 Replies = you are nice but probably need to be more outgoing..

4 Replies = you have picked your friends well


6 Replies = you are downright popular

8 Replies or More = you are totally awesome (and probably why you're on MY list!)

IMPORTANT NOTICE

The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year,
due to the serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a
willful malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the
reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.

This defect has been technically termed, "Sub-sequential Internal Non-morality," or more
commonly known as SIN, as it is primarily expressed.

Some other symptoms:

[a] Loss of direction


[b] Foul vocal emissions
[c] Amnesia of origin
[d] Lack of peace and joy
[e] Selfish, or violent behaviour
[f] Depression or confusion in the mental component
[g] Fearfulness
[h] Idolatry
[i] Rebellion

The Manufacturer, Who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory
authorised repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect.

The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the
staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.

The toll free number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please
upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download
ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big
or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:

[a] Love
[b] Joy
[c] Peace
[d] Patience
[e] Kindness
[f] Goodness
[g] Faithfulness
[h] Gentleness
[i] Self-control
Please see the operating manual, HOLY BIBLE, for further details on the use of these fixes. As
an added upgrade, the manufacturer has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling
direct monitoring and assistance from a resident Maintenance Technician, the Holy Ghost.

Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up permanent residence on the
premises!

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids the
Manufacturer's warranty, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will
result in the human unit being permanently impounded.
For free emergency service, call on JESUS.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped
in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent
contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention. Please assist where possible by
notifying others of this important recall notice.

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.


The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.


They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.


They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.


The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.


They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,


he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

MORAL :

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.


The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happens.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less from people but more from God.

You have two choices...smile and close this page,


or pass this along to someone else to share the lesson
....... I did!!

GOD BLESS YOU....!

Management Course
Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the
doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel an d stands naked in front of
Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'


The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily


and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and
seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:


If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they
find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.


The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with
my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.


The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'

Moral of the story:


Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:


To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.< /B>

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got
the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' r eplied the bull. They're packed
with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:


Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so co ld the bird froze and fell to the
ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly
dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:


(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your


friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep


your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE


Send this to at least five bright, funny people you know and make their day!

Hi, imagine you were the HR manager of this company and this application was dropped on your
desk????

JOB APPLICATION

I am apply to my job of security guard to you boss in you company of Shoprite. I complete to
Grade 8 examination certificate in 1997.

I am 27 ears to be Born of age and no mallied and no childish.

My father is dead long time ago and my mother mary in Zaire country there 10 years now, no
see she so nobody known to help me.

My certificate is just sitting home for itself, but passes in Mathematics, Geography, Science and
all subjects but fail in English because of Nyanja teacher, Mr Phiri, teaching me is jelos of
myself. Me wear expenses cloth than Ngoni teacher..

I here people you want security guards to you company and I tell you I Am one of that job
experience for 2 years. I shot thief dead. I want to Join the company of you and chase criminal
out with me AK47.

Please consider my aplication careful and call me any time because me Have celphone. I am red
for interview with you. I am very hornest and can speak
English free.

Please also greet your wife. And rememba that English is not our mother land!!

Yours in faith
Pasopa Mampara
My picture frame I look beautiful

Pasopa Mampara

21st Century....

We are becoming lesser by the day

Our communication - Wireless

Our dress - Topless

Our telephone - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our youth - Jobless

Our food - Fatless

Our labour - Effortless

Our conduct - Worthless

Our relation - Loveless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Shameless

Our education - Valueless

Our follies - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our Job - Thankless


Our Salary - Very Very less

Our emails - useless (especially this one)!

Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the
doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel an d stands naked in front of
Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.


She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily


and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and
seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:


If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they
find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.


The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with
my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.


The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:


To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.< /B>

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got
the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' r eplied the bull. They're packed
with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:


Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so co ld the bird froze and fell to the
ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly
dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:


(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your


friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep


your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE


Send this to at least five bright, funny people you know and make their day!

Black Girl and a stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger
turned to her and said, Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation
with your fellow passenger The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it
slowly and said to the stranger, What would you like to talk about? Oh, I don't know, said the
stranger. Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barak Obama is
qualified for the job? and he smiles. OK she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -. Yet a deer
excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is? The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, Hmmm, I have no idea; To which the little girl replies. Do you really
feel qualified to discuss President Barak Obama...when you don't know sh*t? Jacob Kona
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family
Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there
anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the
Ten Commandments." Answered the lady.

========

Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the
world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the
morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city


because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a
meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss
my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along


with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give
you a ticket I'll lose my job. "Lead us not into temptation."

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and


announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad
news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our
new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in
your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish


carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of
humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a
hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and
grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question,


"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot
up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know -
Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just
before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly,
but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant
motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the
young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if
everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same
in my business."

========

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,
"I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied,
"What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son
replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the
Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy." The young boy replied
excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving
Earth.'"

========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter


what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be
scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the
Pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that
morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not
afraid, thy comforter is coming."

========

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,


Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk! Amen.

A little boy’s agony


A little boy wanted to know what it was like to have Kshs.10, 000. His mother told him
to pray to God for it. He prayed for two weeks but nothing turned up.
Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the Kshs.10, 000.
When the post office received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to
send it to President Kibaki. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he
instructed his secretary to send the little boy Kshs.200. He thought this would appear to
be a lot of money to a little boy
(Well it did)
The little boy was delighted with the Kshs200 and sat down to write a thank-you letter,
which read as follows; "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending me the money. I
noticed that you had to send it through the government. As usual, those thieves deducted
Kshs.9,800.00 for taxes."
AYUBA bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said, 'My Mobile No. Has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'

Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
AYUBA : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'

AYUBA : I am Proud, coz my son is in Medical college .


Friend: Really, what is he studying?
AYUBA: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

AYUBA: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.


DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
AYUBA : Can I take it tomorrow, tonight is final game.

AYUBA : If I die, will u remarry?


Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
AYUBA : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

AYUBA : People consider me as a 'god'


Wife: How do you know??
AYUBA : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again..

AYUBA complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'
AYUBA : 'I was watching TV news...'

AYUBA comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'

How do you recognize AYUBA in School?


He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

Once AYUBA was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one
hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

Ça c'est de la pédagogie !! Récemment, dans une école, la direction a été


confrontée à un problème particulier.

Plusieurs filles, qui commençaient à utiliser du rouge à lèvres,


se l'appliquaient dans les toilettes de l'école. Jusque-là, pas de
problèmes ; mais après l'application, elles laissaient une empreinte de
leur lèvres sur le miroir. Ce dernier se retrouvait donc avec des
douzaines de petites empreintes de rouge à lèvres. Tous les soirs, le
concierge les enlevait, et le lendemain, les filles embrassaient de
nouveau le miroir.

Face à cette situation, et afin de corriger ce problème


grandissant, la directrice convoqua le concierge et les filles concernées
dans les toilettes. Elle leur expliqua que les empreintes causaient
beaucoup de travail au concierge qui devait nettoyer le miroir tous les
soirs. Pour démontrer la nuisance que les marques causaient, elle demanda
au concierge de faire une démonstration des difficultés qu'il avait à
nettoyer le miroir. Celui-ci prit une éponge, la trempa dans une des
cuvettes des toilettes et nettoya le miroir avec !

Depuis, aucune empreinte de rouge a lèvres n'est réapparue sur le miroir !


Il y a des professeurs et il a y des éducateurs !

let the views of others educate and inform you,

but let your decisions be a product of your own conclusions

Every man should get married some time; after all,


happiness is not the only thing in life!!
--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair
that some men should be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde

----------------------------------------------------------------------
&n! bsp;Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb

----------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for
two years.
--Sam Kinison

----------------------------------------------------------------------
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you
expensive answers that your
wife will give you for free.
--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors know more about women than married men;
if they didn't, they'd
be married too.
--H. L. Mencken

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
they marry later;for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken

----------------------------------------------------------------------
- "A man without a woman is like a fish without a
bicycle."
- U2

----------------------------------------------------------------------
- Marriage is a three-ring circus:
--engagement ring
---wedding ring
---suffering

---------------------------------------------------------------------
When a newly married couple ! smiles, everyone knows
why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone
wonders why.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding
her way back to home always.
--Anonymous

----------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"

--Anonymous

------------------------------------------------------------------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
--Anonymous

-------------------------------------------------------------------
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.Then
the mud fell off.
--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too
late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."
--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses
to get married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature
handcuffs....."
--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course..! .at least he'll shut up after u
let him in!
--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his
dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you
mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect
himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."

----------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she
leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband
was stunned for a while but then smiled " It really works ! "

Illuminated by Blindness
By Author Unknown
There was a blind girl who hated herself because
she was blind. She hated everyone, except her
loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She
told her boyfriend, "If I could only see the world, I
will marry you."

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her..


When the bandages came off, she was able to see
everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her, "Now that you can see the world, will
you marry me?" The girl looked at her boyfriend
and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed
eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The
thought of looking at them the rest of her life led
her to refuse to marry him.

Her boyfriend left in tears and days later had a


note sent to her saying, "Take good care of your
eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they
were mine."

This is often how our human nature works when


our status changes. Only a very few remember
what life was like before, and who was always by
their side in the most painful situations.

Top 10 Reasons Studying is better than Sex


• You can usually find someone to do it with.
• If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
• You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
• When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
• A little coffee and you can do it all night.
• If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
• You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
• You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
• If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for
help.
Male Chauvinist Humor..
• Why do women close their eyes during sex? ===They can't stand to see a man
having a good time..
• How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? ===When
she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
• If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front
door, who do you let in first? ====The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you
let him in.
• In the beginning of the lecture a college professor said: "In Sweden a prostitute
makes $2000 per night." =====All the women stood up and started to leave the
class in protest of this joke. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going?
The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."
• Why do men die before their wives? ===They want to.
• What`s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? ====A $100 bill.
Young Son: "Dad is it true, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't KNOW
his wife until he marries her?" ===Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

Subject: HUSBANDS

Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC


No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor
He is designed to remain Silent indoor...

"Husband is one who is the head of the family,


but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes."

A man in Hell asked Devil:


Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means, Without Information,


Fighting Every time!
Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one every day.

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to
marry me.

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...!

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