Kaufman

Chapter 2: Dealing with Anger

ED 589 Achieving Success with Parents of Students with Special Need

1. What are some ways that others insight [sic] anger in you?

I notice the hot tight physical sensations that accompany my mind labeling a situation
hostile and confrontational arise when I am:
• frequently interrupted
• offered advice without the individual learning about the context of a given
situation
• not being listened to by someone who has asked me a question
• engaged with a person who is invested in blaming others for his or her habitual
patterns and the typical outcomes of those patterns
• in a setting filled with mindless chatter
• aware of a person who is harming animals or children
• surrounded by excessive noise
• following slow moving farm equipment on state highways
• trying to communicate with a completely self-absorbed person

2. as the author addresses cultural differences in their experiences of anger, have

you encountered any differences in this respect? Did you recognize the cultural
differences at the time or only in retrospect?

I live and work in the whitest state in these United States with a current demographic of
96% Caucasian. The circumstance this question seeks to explore has not been in my
experience to date.

3. Some people approach most situations with anger and a defensive stance. Discuss
strategies that can be employed when working with parents who are always angry.

• Do not meet with such parents alone. Have a supervisor, a colleague or a grade
level administrator present to serve as witness, ally and support. Irate parents
often have no trouble lashing into a classroom teacher but are less likely to do so
in the presence of a Vice Principal.
•
• Seek information from the parent(s) first. Giving the opportunity to vent,
especially in the presence of a professional colleague or supervisor, allows the
angry parent(s) to be fully heard. Often, being listened to without interruption or
defensiveness, can alleviate some tension and hostility.
•
• Be precise and brief in restating what you have heard. Allow the parent to
comment on your summary of this hearing.
• Use precise speech. Say what you need to say, and then stop talking. Choose
words carefully that convey the essence of the situation. Have documentation
across more than one setting to support your comments whenever possible.
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Chapter 2: Dealing with Anger
ED 589 Achieving Success with Parents of Students with Special Need

•
• Maintain a calm demeanor and open, still body language.
•
• Be kind. This always counts.

4. Narcissism

The narcissistic personality as presented by Gorman on p. 22 is:

“....one who seems to have been personally insulted and is unable to let it go. This parent
may seem to be highly critical of everything except him (or her) self, lashing out with
blame and condescension. this parent is characterized by feelings of personal superiority,
an inflated sense of entitlement, low empathy toward others and a belief that “ordinary
people” cannot understand him or her.”

Gorham advises “finesse” in dealing with such an individual, specifically suggesting:

• keeping in mind the end goal is collaboration
• trust your emotions as a guide to your own personal safety
• meet in a public place like the school office before going to your classroom
• keep the door open
• have a note-taker
• have an objective party at the meeting
• have a verbal or visual cue to alert staff that you need support
• be aware of the possibility the parent may be under the influences of alcohol or
other substances
• asking precise questions rather than making statements

5. Eight safety tips

Greet the parent in a public place

I work in an alternative setting that is a small storefront location. When parents arrive
for meetings, one or both of my colleagues in present to greet the parent and/or support
me if we anticipate a difficult or potentially hostile meeting.

Involve other staff

See above

Position yourself to get to the door quickly

This is new and valuable information that seems like a very obvious way to keep
myself safe. I have begun to sit with my back to the door rather than facing my
classroom door from across the table with my back to the wall.
Keep your door open
Another wise and obvious suggestion that I have not been aware of and shall use in
future meetings.
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Chapter 2: Dealing with Anger
ED 589 Achieving Success with Parents of Students with Special Need

Meet in a room near other staff members

See my response to the first guideline.

Bring a neutral party

If there has already been conflict or the adolescent and parent(s) have a history of
confrontation and hostility toward staff at meetings, I always have the grade-level
administrator, an Assistant Principal, as well as the Guidance Counselor or 504 Case
Manager present.

Use a cue word to alert staff if you need help immediately.

We have two code phrases. One is Taco Salad and the other is Whiskey Tango
Foxtrot. Not the most subtle phrases, and fortunately no one has had to use it in a
meeting.

Call security if you suspect or detect substance abuse.

The setting where I teach is .25 miles from the main campus and is not part of the
School Resource Officer (SRO) patrol zone. In the event of this suspicion, I usually step
out of the room, let a colleague know my suspicion and soon after I am called away on an
“emergency” and the meeting is postponed. Immediately I report my concern to
administration.

6. Principles for dealing with angry, defensive or violent parents.

Remain Calm
This is standard for me regardless of parental demeanor. In my setting, I usually see
parents who have only had bad news and conflict with school personnel. Being calm,
still and soft spoken almost always has a very visible effect on tense, cautious or hostile
parents. They become a bit more settled, though still wary. My own sense of spacious
stillness seems to set the tone for a more settled start to a meeting.

Be Specific
Cameron G. is an adolescent who refused to attend school. She convinced her mother
she was suffering from dysfunctional anxiety, although the pediatrician would not
confirm this medical diagnosis and no counseling was sought by the family to address
this complaint. Cameron successfully avoiding coming to school yet sent many text
messages to students in school asking them to skip classes or make plans with her at the
end of the school day. Having these text messages at an early meeting was a good way to
document concern that the mother was not aware of the full scope of her daughter’s daily
activities.

Agree
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Chapter 2: Dealing with Anger
ED 589 Achieving Success with Parents of Students with Special Need

By the adolescent years of Winnie V’s son’s schooling, she was often alone in her pride
of her son’s intellect and ability. Agreeing with her and making the time to review his
artwork and writing from previous years allowed her a degree of comfort in approaching
me with a measure of trust in yet another setting where it was hoped that her son would
attend school and complete work needed to graduate.

Be kind
Polly A is single parent to a son who works on a dairy farm and has no intention of doing
anything else with his life except ride his four-wheeler really fast whenever possible.
Polly was hurt and angry at her son, her ex-husband and the world. She had a history of
lashing out at teachers. My colleagues and I encouraged her to talk without offering
advice, invited her to a pizza dinner for parents only where she could speak with other
parents of challenging adolescents and always made time for her on the phone, if not at
that moment then later that day. While her son did drop out of school, she ended up
thanking the three of us for our patience with him and kindness to her.

Reinforce Positive Behavior

The Scots are educated parents engaged in their daughter’s journey through high school.
The daughter suffered leukemia as a toddler, and as a result the parents were protective
and adverse to any criticism of their teen despite frequent violations of school policy
around skipping school, smoking and substance abuse. They were so proud of her
accomplishments at a local dance studio and her cooking skills. So I did a lot of smiling
and listening to their anecdotes. Also, they were suffering from verbal abuse and
frequent disappearances by their teen. Yet, in my classroom she spoke of them with love
and appreciation. I was able to relate verbatim what she told me about them and the
parents’ relief and gratitude was palpable.

Slow the Pace

See Be Calm

Active Listening
Corey T. is the single mom of a highly oppositional and highly anxious daughter. She
lives in a tumultuous and often violent household and receives much aid from state
agencies. Often meetings for her daughter turn into sessions for Corey to talk about her
own feelings and shortcomings. While there is not much more I can do but listen,
sometimes, listening with full attention can bring ease to another. This also creates trust.
The daughter did not return to school this term, and whenever I see Corey she wants to
stop and talk.

Get to the point

Precision is a valuable skill. Too often school personnel at meetings are repetitive and
verbose. Hunter P. is another single mom. Her daughter attempted suicide two months
before assigned to my roster. The teen had no apparent awareness of a teacher’s role as
mandatory reporter, and when she spoke at length about Hunter’s weekend use of alcohol
and marijuana, I had no choice but to make a written report to the state agency in charge
of child welfare. I also had to tell Hunter what I was required to do and still preserve a
 Kaufman
Chapter 2: Dealing with Anger
ED 589 Achieving Success with Parents of Students with Special Need

working relationship with her. I was able to be precise and succinct without judgment.
This was effective in maintaining an ability to communicate throughout the school year.

7. List of four behaviors to avoid when dealing with anger.

Do not argue
Do not get defensive and take it personally
Do not refute what the parent says point by point
Do not act in anger

8. My “hot buttons”

I feel the physical sensations and notice the mind labeling associated with anger when
parents interrupt, blame, and lie, exaggerate, threaten, aid and abet behaviors that detract
from school success and take a hostile and defensive stance before taking the time to
learn what my experience of the situation had been.

9. Describe any situations where anger was redirected to a more productive

relationship

The situation with Polly A., single parent to a disengaged teenage boy that I described
briefly in Question #6 under the heading Be Kind is an example of anger met with
kindness with the result being trust and a cessation of hostility.