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Emotional Neglect

What is Emotional Neglect?

Emotional neglect is a topic that is rarely discussed, even by psychologists, and most people would not recognise
it as a problem. Emotional neglect is so easily misunderstood because, unlike with emotional or physical abuse
that features an identifiable negative action, emotional neglect is actually a lack of action. In short, emotional
neglect refers to a person’s failure to respond adequately to another’s emotional needs.

Dr. Jonice Webb succinctly defines it this way: “Emotional neglect is a parent’s failure to act. It’s a failure to
notice, attend to, or respond appropriately to a child’s feelings”. Emotional neglect is not something that happens,
but something that fails to happen. This makes it a difficult concept to understand and discuss because emotional
neglect is intangible. It is easy to identify the harmful actions of a parent who yells, smacks or criticises, but much
harder to pinpoint the wrong actions of a parent who fails to provide for certain needs.

Emotional neglect also occurs in adult relationships between intimate partners. How often have you heard people
saying, “He/she is emotionally unavailable (/insights-healthy-relationships/understanding-the-emotionally-
unavailable) or absent”? Emotional neglect is the opposite of emotional attunement. When a couple is emotionally
attuned to each other, they experience emotional connection and emotional intimacy. In a relationship or marriage
emotional neglect is when a partner consistently fails to notice, attend to, and respond in a timely manner to a
partner or spouse’s feelings. In both instances, it has far-reaching negative consequences for the relationship.

As humans, we are relational beings. While you cannot point to the specific behaviours of your parents or partner
that makes you feel unloved and affect your self-esteem; not being noticed, attended to, or responded to
appropriately and in a timely manner affects both children and adults. Inadvertently, the lack of attentiveness and
responsiveness, speaks volumes – your feelings and emotional needs don’t matter. In children, this translates into
‘you don’t matter’ and in adults ‘your needs/you don’t matter.

Emotional neglect is common. It happens in the majority of families in today’s busy lifestyle and society. Most
parents love their children. Most adults love their partners. This is not about love or the lack of love. It is about
bringing into awareness something that we may not be aware of, and about acting it.

As Psychologists and relationship Counsellors, we see many individuals, couples and families who suffer the
consequences of emotional neglect. Good people of all ages with a void in their lives, longing for this invisible
emotional attention.

How Emotional Neglect Affects Children

Emotional neglect can happen in the most common of family situations. Imagine Thomas coming home from
school angry, throwing tantrums, seeking attention and fighting with his sibling. It is easy for a stressed-out or busy
Mum to not respond appropriately. Mum may view Thomas’s behaviours superficially, e.g., seeing anger and
tantrums simply as tiredness, ‘naughtiness’ or defiance, so Thomas is sent to his room for time out.
Mum’s emotional inattentiveness, failure to notice (accurately interpret and understand) attend to (provide comfort,
soothing) and respond appropriately (help Thomas understand) will mean Thomas missing out on crucial learning
- how to make sense of his feelings and behaviours. Thomas also misses out on the experience of empathy from
Mum, which impairs his ability to develop empathy for himself and others around him. Over time, Thomas learns
his feelings are either irrelevant, don’t matter or are bad. He copes by learning to supress or disconnect from his
feelings and emotions with little to no understanding of them. His behaviours will either escalate or he will become
withdrawn and shut off. When children grow up in an environment of emotional neglect, they often internalize this
neglectful behaviour and become emotionally disconnected as adults.

Certain types of parenting styles are more likely to result in emotional neglect. Authoritarian parents are more
interested in whether their children obey instructions than in how children feel or what they need. Perfectionist
parents set extremely high expectations of grades and other performance, with little empathy for the intangible
details of children’s emotional status. Parents who are permissive or ‘laissez-faire’ tend to be hands-off to the point
of being disconnected from their children’s emotional lives. Narcissistic (/insights-healthy-relationships/narcissistic-
relationships) parents, whose focus revolves around their own needs, prevent children from learning to identify
their own feelings.

Other parents may be forced by circumstance to be emotionally absent from their child’s life due to marital conflict
(/insights-healthy-relationships/pursuer-withdrawer-relationship-conflict), divorce (/couples-counselling-
melbourne/counselling-for-divorce), depression or anxiety (/psychotherapy-melbourne/anxiety-treatment), illness,
overwork, or other life challenges. Sometimes this can lead to emotional parentification- when a child feels the
need to meet the emotional needs of the parents and siblings. In most cases, parents who were emotionally
neglected as children do not realise they are being emotionally neglectful to their children. How would they? For
example, parents cannot provide comfort or soothing when they have not experienced being comforted or sooth in
times of feeling upset.

Emotional neglect can have a surprising physiological effect on our developing brains in childhood. When children
are regularly neglected or exposed to other hardships they are prone to a ‘toxic stress response’ that impairs
normal development in the brain and other organs. Specifically, important executive brain functions such as self-
control, memory, and the ability to shift attention appropriately are learned skills that must be supported by a
child’s growing environment. ‘Toxic stress’ is disruptive to the development of these skills and also makes it
difficult for children to acquire the ability to self-manage in challenging circumstances. This lack of development
will continue to impair a child well into adulthood. Emotional neglect in childhood is frequently the cause of many
undiagnosed learning disorders in adults. Sadly, these adults grow up believing they are not good enough or at an
extreme there is something wrong with them, they have something to be ashamed of.

Children of Emotional Neglect as Adults

The symptoms of emotional neglect are generally unrecognized until they begin to appear in young adulthood.
Adults exposed to emotional neglect as children often have problems but remain oblivious as to their origins. They
tend to struggle to with knowing who they are, what they expect of themselves and what others expect of them.
For example, a classical pianist may be technically brilliant, but somehow his music fails to move others. And a
high achieving CEO, expert in his field and superior intellectually (IQ) scores low on emotional intelligence
(/insights-healthy-relationships/eq-and-how-emotions-matter) (EQ).

Some of the signs in adults include:

Difficulty identifying or expressing feelings

Easily embarrassed and prone to feelings of guilt and shame (/psychotherapy-melbourne/dealing-with-
guilt-and-shame)
Lack ability to empathise (/insights-healthy-relationships/empathy)
Difficulty in trusting others
Highly judgemental/critical or blaming of self (/insights-healthy-relationships/the-inner-critic) and others
Frequent feelings of worry, excessive fears and dissatisfaction
Feel the need to people please (/insights-healthy-relationships/people-pleaser)
Difficulty in asking for help or support
Self-directed anger and anger at others
Feeling like a fraud, hiding behind a mask; or feeling disconnected from self
Perfectionism with acute sensitivity to feelings of failure
Sensitivity to feelings of rejection
Viewed by others as being distant, aloof or arrogant
Pervasive feelings of emptiness, unhappiness or lack of joy

Suppressing emotions or being disconnected from emotions has physical consequences that many do not know
about. It increases stress on our bodies and increases chances of heart disease and diabetes. It affects our
immune system exposing us more to illness, stiff joints and bone weakness. Recent research also shows a strong
connection between avoiding emotions or being shut off from emotions and poor memory. People who regularly