1

Dating for Newbies

By Mark Laver
 Foreword

Almost all men, at some point or another, deal with the desire for a relationship
with a woman. This desire for a relationship is God-given and perfectly natural (Gen
2:18, 2:24), but we also must remember the advice Paul gave on the important matter of
dating, marriage, and relationships: “It is good for a man not to marry,” (1 Cor 7:1), and
“I wish that all men were as I am [single]…” (1 Cor 7:7). Of course, if you are reading
this book, perhaps it is too late for such sage wisdom to have a saving impact in your life.
That said, this is written for those whose favorite words of God are, “It is not good for
man to be alone.” Perhaps another good verse is, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
Please bear in mind that this is primarily written for men, especially in the setting of New
Tribes Bible Institute.

This is dedicated to all of the beautiful women in my life: Angie, Christina, Danielle,
Hannah and Hannah, Joanna, Katie, Kelley, Keri, Lisa, Misty, Renee, and Shelbi and
Shelby.
 Chapter One

“A man chases a woman until she catches him.”

~ American proverb

The first step in finding your wife is meeting her, of course. This chapter will
deal with the primary two methods of meeting a woman. Throughout this book, I will
use examples of conversations to model. Blue text is the man’s speech, red text is the
woman’s speech, green text is someone else and italics represents actions.

The Direct Approach

This is the tried-and-true Mark Laver preferred method. In the long run, it saves
hours of frustration, doubt, and anxiety. It is also a great way of breaking the ice with
that cute brunette. Basically, it goes like this:
Walk up to her, smiling:
“Hey, I’m Fred.”
Shake her hand, not too firmly but not limp either. Try to apply only slightly more
pressure than she does: you aren’t out to crush her hand, but you don’t want her to think
you are a wimp either.
“I’m Sue.”
“Nice to meet you…. Do you have a boyfriend?”
She may be embarrassed or frightened at first, but trust me, she will appreciate it
later. It displays all the attributes many girls appreciate so much: strength, boldness,
initiative, and of course humor. She may not appreciate the humor at the moment, but
this is about the long-term, right? Most likely she will laugh with you about it within an
hour, and then she will have the opportunity to appreciate your wit and charm. One thing
to remember is applying it in “shotgun.” That means using the Direct Approach on quite
a few of the attractive ladies, not just one. Of course, if she does have a boyfriend, drop
her like fourth-period French, 1 especially if he happened to be with her at the time. It is
best to laugh and convince her you were kidding too.
1
Courtesy of Kevin Bertram. Used with permission.
The Indirect Approach (“slow”)

This one can work very well at times, but is somewhat more risky than the other.
The whole idea here is scoping out the situation in its entirety before making any moves.
This way you can make sure you find a lady who has similar tastes to yours and who is
attractive, single, and engaging. The downside is that the lady you have your sights on
may get snatched up before you have a chance. Be sure to hang out with her as much as
possible without being too obvious. Sitting at her table at lunch is good, for example, or
hanging out in the lounge with her and her friends. Here’s an example of how meeting
her may work:
Always walk somewhat behind someone in this approach. This way they greet the girl
first and you learn her name that way. This is especially true when you supposedly
should know everyone, such as the second semester when you only know five of the girls’
names.
“Hi, Sue.”
She smiles.
“Hi John… Fred.”
Smile back. If she doesn’t smile when she sees you, or avoids you, maybe it’s time to
designate a new target.
“Oh, hi Sue, good to see you.”
The other downside is you have to listen closely to find her name, and you might
get trapped if you are careless. In the author’s experience, girls do not appreciate it when
you do not know her name, and she knows yours, especially when you have “known” her
for a few weeks and still don’t know her name. Obviously this approach is quite inferior
to the Direct Approach, but feel free to try it if you want.
Of course, some benefits arise from using the Indirect Approach. First, it is said
that “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.” That is only half true:
true beauty goes to the bone as well. The most excellent women will be defined by
inward beauty of character, which shines outward and has an external beauty all of its
own. Other women may appear to be more comely at the outset, but that quickly fades
and even goes unnoticed when they lack moral quality and maturity. Thus, by biding
your time, you give yourself the opportunity to find a real gem.
Some girls ask questions such as, “Do men ‘go for’ women with looks or women
with character?” The answer is, briefly, that men want both. It is true that when first
meeting women, men will probably remember the ones with the most physical
attractiveness. After some time goes by, though, character becomes much more
important, and can even overshadow physical appearance. The result is that a somewhat
plain girl may appear beautiful, while a relatively attractive one could be somewhat
repulsive. For this reason it is wise to not jump into a relationship too quickly, or you
may find yourself dating a shrew. Just watch out for those girls. They’ll get ya. They’ll
get ya.
This indirect approach really does work, too; Jonathan 2 even waited until the last
three or four weeks of school before making his move. This approach can fool everyone
2
Name changed to protect privacy.
else, because they might see you as this “hardcore single” guy, and then, wham; you have
a girlfriend and are making wedding plans. Then everyone is going, “Woah, I never even
saw it coming!” That is ok, it was not their business in the first place.

Female MK’s

For whatever reason, many hapless young American guys tend to fall for alluring,
shy and sensitive MK’s. Although the psychological implications of this trend might be
interesting to study, what is more important to us is how to deal with the results. The first
trick is getting her attention. This can be difficult at times, because some of these girls
have seen everything. Another danger is being perceived as too aggressive. She may not
have your years of dating experience, and, in fact, may not care about them. How does
one, then, catch her eye without scaring her off? The answer is simple: speak to her
heart, in her own language. Try this Portuguese phrase on for size:
“Você faz meu coração sorrir.” 3 (You make my heart smile.)
Of course you would only use Portuguese on a girl from Brazil. Likewise, if she
is from PNG, learn some Pidgin. The best approach is getting her to teach you, after you
discover her origin. Then, after you’ve started learning some of the language, get a guy
from the same country to teach you how to say “You make my heart smile” in her
language. Other suitable words and phrases will be covered in Chapter 3 of this book.
Remember that the key is to get her to be your teacher. The best girls really enjoy
helping people out. If she tells you to learn from someone else, that might be a hint to
give up and find someone else to pursue. Sometimes persistence can win her over, but be
careful, for many of them have large families and many friends who would not think
twice about breaking both your legs if you go too far.

Bachelors to the Rapture

Occasionally a person might run across this so-called club called “Bachelors to
the Rapture.” The implication is that these guys are single by choice and wish to remain
pure and unsullied by the world of women. They often will [ab]use passages such as 1
Corinthians 7 to mean that they are somehow more spiritual and mature and self-
restrained because they are single. Perhaps a more accurate term would be “Bachelor till
the Capture.” The reality is that he either does not know how to go about finding a girl or
simply has not found the right one. More properly, she has not found him, but when she
does, any notions of celibacy fly right out the window. After all, in heaven men are
“neither married nor given in marriage…” and who wants to miss out? It is probable that
most, if not all men who claim to be a “Bachelor to the Rapture” are simply excusing
their (current) state of singleness, in an effort to rescue their pride.

3
As quoted by Caleb Lindsey to Keyla Schuring.
 Chapter Two
“In some ways, building a romantic relationship is like building a fire. If you
put the branches too close together, they will smother and the fire will die.
If the branches are too far apart, they will never have a chance to kindle
and blaze up.”
~ Dad

After you meet a girl and initially establish a relationship with her is the time to
move on to the stage of being “just friends.” This is the time when everyone [else]
knows that you’re going out together, but, in the interests of sounding mature, you tell all
your friends, “We’re just good friends. We both really think that if God wants us to be
together, He’ll work it out, and we don’t want to rush into a relationship.” You may have
heard or used some other sort of pious-sounding rubbish. The question remains,
however, how to get there? How does one reach that zenith of friendship from which it is
“all downhill”?

Conversation-starters

You will find it critical in developing a relationship with a girl to talk to her. In
fact, if you don’t talk to her, you will never reach that all-important state of “just-
friendship” even in terms of just being friends. Some guys have trouble talking to girls
though, mainly because they don’t know what to talk about or don’t know where to start.
Already mentioned in the first chapter is the direct approach. When correctly
followed through, you should already have had the opportunity to talk to her at least a
few minutes. Maybe you used the indirect approach, though. If you are afraid of
somehow offending her, a good way to start a conversation would be to ask her about
classes.
“Hi, Sue.”
“Hi, Fred, how’s it going?”
“Oh, pretty well. I’m really liking these new classes, especially Pentateuch. How about
you?”
“Classes are awesome! I especially love Hermeneutics, I think I’m going to learn a lot
here.”
Quite a few benefits will arise from a conversation along these lines. The most obvious
one is that girls like spiritual guys (the best girls do), and talking about class is a
reasonably spiritual activity that isn’t too straining. Mega-points here, guys. Then she
might remember you as a dreamy spiritual giant, rather than some stupid MK who can’t
get over his cool soccer moves.
That brings me to another point. When you are talking to girls, it is best to get
them talking about themselves or whatever subject they enjoy. This gives you
information you can use later to show her how attentive you are. Don’t just sit around
talking about yourself all the time unless she prompts it. Strangely enough, if you let her
do most of the talking, she will remember you as an interesting conversationalist rather
than a bore. Just be sure you are not too closed-mouthed, as you do want her to get to
know you, too. The key is to focus on things she’s interested in rather than your own
interests. Even if you do the talking, make sure it is something she has a genuine interest
in.
Another good conversation starter is an interesting scar. Not just any scar will do;
you have to select one with a good story behind it. Remember that for scars, a long story
(within reason) is better than a succinct explanation. Just saying, “Oh, I burned myself
when I was little,” isn’t going to get you anywhere in a hurry. A caution when dealing
with scars is not to be too… strange when bringing your scar up. She might think you’re
a little odd if you just start rolling your pants leg up to show her some gash. The best
scars are somewhere obvious, preferably the arms or face if the scar is not too terribly
disturbing. Also remember that one good scar is better than 20 bad ones. Don’t bore her
by pointing out every little nick and scrape on the back of your hand.

Time Well Spent

Other than the practical side of just carrying on a conversation with a girl, one of
the most vital keys to reaching the stage of “just friendship” is hanging out with her. If
you spend a significant amount of time with a girl, people will assume you are “just
friends” (or more) whether you are or not, and your objective is achieved. An important
thing to remember is to carry on your conversations with her in high-traffic areas to
assure maximum coverage of the student body. Good locations might be the stairwell,
hallways, the coke room, or in front of the mailboxes. This also gives you a spirituality
factor because you aren’t talking to her in some private, secluded area where your actions
might be called into question.
Another easy way to spend time with her is to sit next to or near her in the dining
hall. At a typical meal there will be two or three tables where the single girls are. Find
the one she is sitting at and sit there. Doing so will help you in two ways. First, it is an
easy way to sit next to her without making it too obvious that you are interested in one
particular girl (if you are worried about that). Then you can get to know her somewhat
bettter without worrying about appearing to move too fast. Do not expect her to come
and sit with you over at the single guys' table. If you thought she would, you were
wrong. Believe it or not, most women are more reluctant to sit with a bunch of men than
most men are to sit with a passel of women. Second, this will allow you to become
acquainted with and break into her circle of friends. If you expect success, it is vital to
become known and liked by the girls she hangs out with—if they do not like you they
will no doubt make every effort to sabotage your budding relationship. If they do like
you, getting to know her will become that much easier as they will try to “hook you up”
and give the two of you plenty of chances to be together. Along the same vein, if she has
a brother, you should seek to gain his approval of your relationship, or at least his respect
for you as a man. One former student even said that if a guy did not ask him for
permission to date his sister, he would be sure to get you blacklisted at home. Watch out
for that low-down treacherous type.

Just Friends

Some benefits do arise from being “just friends.” Some people, for whatever
reason, may simply be embarrassed to have a girlfriend or boyfriend, or they may be
afraid of commitment. “Just friends” is reasonably safe: although it is an excellent
staging ground for a deeper relationship, friends are never required to get married. You
can privately break up with a person—not that you were ever really going out, mind
you—and never have your status change publicly! Or, you can start going out with a girl,
but just be good friends. Then, if things don’t work out, no harm is done. Just firmly tell
your friends that you were good friends before and that you are still good friends, but that
the Lord led you to spend less time together, lest sparks fly and you get into a relationship
outside of His will. Trust me, this is sheer spirituality.
But one says, “This is all fine and good, but what if I want to be friends with
someone, and that is all? I'm tired of this culture where it is impossible to be a friend and
no more. Here at NTBI, it is impossible to be a friend and not have things be awkward or
have people talk.” Yet do you not know that it is the people that make up the culture?
By giving in to it and living in fear of (oh the horrors) someone LIKING you, you are
only perpetuating it. Mistreating people 4 and becoming a hermit is not the way to avoid
having someone like you. In the first place, it just will not work, and in the second place,
isolating yourself from the body is not biblical. Our sisters in Christ need our support
and encouragement quite apart from a dating relationship, and it is high time the men, the
so-called “spiritual leaders” of NTBI stepped up to their role, showed Christ's love, and
stopped acting like you can only talk to a girl if you want to date her.
Believe it or not, it is possible to talk to a girl with other motives than wanting to
go out with her. “Pipul r r biznes,” we say, but women are people too. The fellowship of
the saints is indeed a key part of the saints, and if you effectively neglect half of the body
in your fellowship, how is that right? Fellowship with fellow godly men is an extremely
vital part of growth, and it would be wrong (or at least unwise) to spend too much time
exclusively with women, but the opposite extreme of excluding them is also wrong. The
attitude too common among men (and some women) today at NTBI that the only reason
to talk to the ladies is to find a girlfriend is somewhat narrow-minded, not to mention
outright shallow.

4
The author has been guilty of this.
 Chapter 3

Sooner or later, with some luck and skills, you will move on to “going steady”
with her: a very serious stage of the relationship. At this point it is very important for her
to know how much you love her and care about her. Many guys, though, do not
understand how to communicate their feelings to women, for women are inscrutable to
them. Neither do they understand women.

Scars, Cars, and Money

When pondering what women want, one might think of the song that goes
something like, “Girls don’t like boys; girls like cars and money.” For guys at New
Tribes Bible institute, that basically means you are out of luck in the car department if
your name is not John Hawkins. Fortunately for us, the best girls are not all vampiric
parasites as the song suggests. In fact, most of them will overlook the style of your car as
long as it doesn’t resemble a homeless shelter inside. Cans, bottles, and pizza boxes
sliding around in the floor are not the best way to impress a lady. In the words of one
woman, “Dirty car, dirty house, dirty boy.” It may perhaps be a commentary on the state
of cars at New Tribes that she is still single, despite her beauty and attractive personality.
Just take a minute, clean your car out and vacuum the seats: for one, you would be
somewhat unique, and for two, you would make your lady happy. Groovy wheels 5 might
help, but many women claim they aren’t attracted to guys by cars and money. The driver
is more important than the car, in any case.
If a sweet ride will not impress your lady fair, what will? Here is the secret:
chicks dig scars. This is on authority from Ernie Richards himself. To qualify the bold
statement that “chicks dig scars,” it depends on the scar, and it depends on the girl. Just
remember the tips on scar-showing from Chapter 2.

5
The author apologizes for lack of further detail on the subject of cars and money, but has
insufficient resources to conduct further tests. If anyone would be interested in abating
this problem, future editions could have potentially vital information in this section!
Flowers and Candy

It is reasonably common knowledge that women are big fans of flowers,

especially roses. What is less common knowledge is what type of significance each rose
has. Believe it or not, it does make a difference. Although all roses are basically an
expression of love, you do not give both your sister and your girlfriend the same color
rose. Rather, you should not give them both the same color rose, but you probably do.
Red roses, the most common, indicate passionate love and respect. They show you think
she is a beauty beyond worth. White roses, often used at weddings, represent purity,
innocence, and truth. Indicate close friendship, as of a good friend or sister, with a
yellow rose. Some say yellow roses have the negative connotation of jealousy, but that is
a somewhat archaic notion. A pink rose, depending on the shade, can show happiness,
gratitude, and admiration. A thornless rose represents love at first sight. One might think
that more is better when it comes to flowers (and it can be), but a single rose is usually
best to carry your meaning across, as different floral arrangements have some complex
meanings that are probably beyond the average male reader’s comprehension.
Most ladies enjoy candy as well, but one must be careful. She might be allergic,
or worse, on a diet. Never give candy to a woman on a diet. Never. The one thing worse
than giving candy to a dieting woman (worse than asking her age), is ASKING if she is
on a diet. Never, under any circumstances, must you ask her if she’s on a diet. Whether
she’s on one or not, she will assume you think that she needs a diet, and that basically
means it is over for you. In which case I have a book to recommend for you written by
Joshua Harris called I Kissed Dating Goodbye.

Singing and Poetry

One near-universal trait of girls is that they like guys with skills. The caveat is of
course what kind of skills. Cooking skills are more important than computer hacking or
nun chuck skills. Another important skill is singing skills. Very few females can resist a
man with a good voice when accompanied by a good personality. Almost every girl
enjoys music, but be careful to select the proper genre for her mood, tastes, and occasion.
“The Scientist” by Coldplay is probably not the best song for a wedding. If she’s
complaining about your being late for something, refrain from breaking out with
“Responsibility” by MxPx. Still, the right song at the right time is a powerful tool.
Please remember, though, that even if your special lady is endeared by your attempts to
sing “Everything I Do,” if you couldn’t carry the tune in a hand basket please refrain
from trying while the rest of us are around. A few excellent love songs to get you started:
“One Boy, One Girl,” “Pretty Woman,” “Everything I Do,” “Oh Boy,” “That Thing You
Do.”
Most women are thrilled by good poetry. Whether you quote it or write it
yourself, you can scarcely go wrong. If quoted, the poem doesn’t really even have to be
about love. “Eldorado” or “The Road not Taken” will do if you know either well enough
to impress her. Writing poetry is good, but many men do not realize that there is more to
poetry than rhyme and verse. Poetic devices work well, too. Try alliteration.
“It’s always nice to see a fine young female face.”
Pick-up Lines

Many people have the mistaken impression that “pick-up” lines are bad. That is,
they are a turn-off for women. That impression is largely false and has developed due to
an overuse of poor lines. This has come to the point where pick-up lines are synonymous
with bad taste. Truly though, the properly used line is a powerful asset.
One key to using lines is that, ideally, they should be original. At least, they
should be original to the girl. She might not mind having an old and stale line used on
her if it is fresh to her mind. Here are a few good ones:
“Your eyes take away all my thoughts.” 6
An alternative would be, “When I look into your eyes, all my thoughts go away.”
“Your teeth are way too straight for you to ever be a southern aunt.” 7
If she catches you staring at her, “I was just basking in the radiance of your beauty.”
“Can I give you a ring sometime?” 8 This one will leave her confused. A ring, or a phone
call? This uncertainty could very well play into your hands.
Or, this is good too: “I was just basking in the beauty of your radiance.”
That last line is actually backwards, which thought leads into another point. It
does not actually matter if the line makes good sense, as long as you include certain key
words. A good phrase includes a comment on one aspect of her, such as her eyes, her
hair, her teeth/mouth (careful with this one), her intelligence, etc. It is acceptable to
make a general comment about her beauty, but being specific gives the line more force.
Also, for beginners, it is probably best to stick to being specific until you become a
master wordsmith. A good phrase also includes the use of vivid verbs, adjectives, and
adverbs. One note of caution is not to get too flamboyant with your use of high-dollar
words, nor to use ones that you do not know. Here is a good phrase to work with:
“Your eyes… [pause here slightly] bring to mind the depth and beauty of brilliant
sapphires.”
For your reference: sapphire = blue, emerald = green. For dark eyes, use black pearls
or simply diamonds. In any case, it is best to expound on this one, and talk about the
rarity of the gem, the difficulty and dangers in finding it, and its immense value. It is
important to start with “your eyes,” as she will probably blush and look away at this
point. The effect is amazing. Just remember that the key is delivery, delivery, delivery.
Men also sometimes have trouble complimenting girls, even though most women
compliment very easily. On almost any day you could observe how attractive you find
her. Use variety, though. If you tell her the same thing continuously, she will begin to
doubt your sincerity. Women tend to be insecure about their looks. Therefore, find a
single aspect of her that you can compliment every few days. If she cut, died, combed,
grew out, brushed, curled, straightened, permed, or highlighted her hair, say something
about that. If she just looks vaguely different, be sure to tell her you like her outfit. You
may be afraid of saying something and looking foolish, but fret not, neither be anxious.
“Oh, Sue, I really like your hair today.”
“But I didn’t do anything to it.”

6
Courtesy of Kevin Bertram.
7
Courtesy of Joshua Brower.
8
Courtesy of Kevin Bertram.
“Really? Hmm… new clothes?” (This is the point where you are kicking yourself for
being wrong. But never fret, the situation is still salvageable.)
Scrutinize her here. Make a show of examining her shoes, clothes, lipstick, hair,
fingernails, etc. Just don’t embarrass her or do anything inappropriate.
Nope! Same as always.
Wow. You sure? I dunno, I coulda sworn there was something different about you
today. I guess I just hadn’t noticed how nice you look, Sue.
An often-overlooked aspect of the female anatomy is the eyebrow. No other part
of her face does the woman spend such time and pain getting it just so, only to have men
ignore it. Perhaps women would do just as well not to bother plucking, shaving, or
waxing their eyebrows, but that subject is for another book. If you are at a loss for a
good compliment, the eyebrows are always a good place to start. Most women do spend
some time on them, meaning that it is actually a part of their face they have some control
over how it looks. Just tell her you like her eyebrows; if she plucks them, then you have
complimented her on a job well done. If she does not pluck them, you are giving her
assurance that she does not need to do so. The caveat to this is that you must not
insinuate either that she does or that she does not pluck her eyebrows. Women tend to be
sensitive about them. She may or may volunteer information on the subject, but you stick
to telling her you like the way they look.
If you have difficulties coming up with original and specific compliments, you
may need to resort to general comments on her beauty and demeanor. Exercise caution,
however, as some words can have a negative connotation even when said in the most
positive light. Take, for example, the simple complimentary phrase, “I think you look
cute.” Many guys would say that and never think twice about, having sincerely
complimented the girl on her looks. For some reason, though, many women feel that
“cute” means cute as a small child or baby. This is a somewhat hypocritical thought that
is nigh-universal among women, as certainly when they refer to a man as “cute” they are
not thinking of babyish cuteness. Nevertheless, because she might take “cute” in a
negative light, try using other words, such as “gorgeous,” “beautiful,” “pretty,”
“stunning,” “attractive.” For various reasons, also shy away from calling a girl hot or
“phat,” or touching her arm and making sizzling noises. Please refrain.
As should be clear at this point, women are not impossible to please or
understand. Remember, though, this chapter is designed with the dating couple in mind.
Some suggestions listed here that will endear you to her while dating will have a negative
effect if she does not know you well. Singing is probably a good example of that. Other
suggestions, such as cleaning your car, are largely universal. Complimenting ladies is
also largely universal. If you can learn the principles expounded up to this chapter, then
perhaps you are ready for the next stage in your relationship.
 Chapter 4

This chapter is dedicated to Kevin Bertram.

After you have been officially dating for about three or four months, 9 it is
probably high time you started planning out your proposal and engagement. Normally
the engagement will last either six or twelve months, but another option is to date for
whole year and have a short engagement period. It does not matter too much how long
the dating period and engagement last, as long as they add up to at least a whole year, and
you have dated for at least four months.
In our present culture and time, all of the suspense and drama has evaporated
from the proposal. It is no longer a question of “if” but “when” he proposes. In fact,
some have even gone so far as to plan the wedding before the proposal! Me genoito! 10
Brothers, this is not as it should be. The proposal is to be romantic; it should be the
second happiest day of her life, and a major part of that romance is the element of
surprise. Yes, certainly, she will be pleased if you propose to her after she picks out her
ring and you buy it for her. Yet, there is a whole new plane of joy when you catch her off
guard and sweep her off her feet. One may object that it is scary and perhaps hazardous
proposing while the element of uncertainty exists. Yes, but that is what makes it so
powerful! The girl should be asking in her mind, Will he ask me? I hope so! But what if
it’s not God’s will for us to be married?!? Not, Hmm, I wonder if he’s going to ask
before or after school gets out. Either way, he had better get a move on, ‘cause the
wedding is in July.

Atmosphere

Even if she knows that you will propose, it is still vital that the actual time and
way of going about it is a surprise. Most guys understand this and go to great lengths to
pop the question in a surprising way. The element of surprise is vital, but three other
elements are also key to a good proposal: a romantic atmosphere, a smooth delivery, and
an impressive ring.
Part of the atmosphere is the time of day. Basically, you can ask her any time, but
you should probably do it at least after noon. Though sunset is a popular time, sunrise is

9
Mom strongly recommends a longer period, but note the words “officially dating.” Also, this only applies
while attending NTBI.
10
For the unlearned, that means “God forbid.”
almost always a bad idea, because many women are sensitive about how they look in the
morning, foolish creatures. Probably it is best to ask her late in the afternoon or at dusk
(while it is still somewhat light out), but later on in a posh restaurant works too. An ideal
time is during a peaceful walk in the woods, or sitting on a hill underneath a tree, or some
other peaceful time. Contrariwise, avoid noisy and active environments, like the local
pub, or a concert.
(Yelling) “Will you marry me?!”
“No, I’m not hungry, thanks!”
If possible, find a spot that has some special meaning to her, or maybe an area the two of
you spend a lot of time. “Special meaning to her” does not mean under the tree where
she buried her cat Mittens. Peaceful rural locales have worked well for many men.

Delivery

The delivery is actually not difficult, merely scary. The traditional method is, of
course, to suavely slide down onto one knee, pull out your dazzling diamond ring, and
say, “Will you marry me?” Of course, there are other possibilities. If you want to be
different, try holding her hands, facing her squarely, and, looking into her eyes, say, “I’d
like to keep you around for a while.” One NTBI staff member had developed a close
friendship with his future wife, but worked too much to do things the normal way.
Instead, he called her up and said, “Hey, I have Monday off, watcha doing? Wanna get
married?” They got married that Monday. On the other hand, maybe there is something
to be said for the status quo. You are by no means obligated to stick to the old formula,
but you never know if she has always dreamed of the man of her life proposing to her in
the traditional manner. “The traditional manner” does not mean you put little effort into
it. You should go to great lengths to make the proposal special to her; your proposal
should be tailored for her personality. 11 If she is a non-conformist, feel free to break out
of the box and say something strange. Just don’t come crying to me.

The Ring

Buying the right ring is critical, as a poor decision in this area can have dramatic
effects not only in your relationship, but also in your bank account. Once used, a ring is
no good. No girl wants a used ring, and you will be forced to either sell it back at half
price or try to find the receipt. Perhaps it would be best to just keep the receipt. As with
all other decisions concerning the proposal, the girl you are marrying determines the ring
you buy. Of course, do not be so uncouth as to ask her to pick out an engagement ring.
Either acquire a mutually trusted female to help, get to know her tastes in a subtle
manner, or buy one you like. One general rule of thumb in engagement rings is to get a
diamond ring. Most girls want a diamond ring “just because,” not necessarily because
they are a fan of diamonds. Another option is to get something with her birthstone,
though certainly not if you know she is expecting a diamond. How much of a diamond
does she want? According to one beautiful young blonde, the ring should be pure
platinum, have a whole carat diamond, and cost at least $3000. 12 Little does she know

11
Courtesy of Shelby McPeak, used with permission.
12
With that kind of attitude, it may not surprise the reader to know that she is still single. Rich students
that for $3000 a person can get well over a 1.5 carat diamond. You can get all that she
wants for about $2000—but she does not need to know that, and price tags are tacky.
Just be sure to keep the receipt in a safe place, and burn it in the event of a positive
response to ensure that she never finds out.
All this talk of pricing and diamond size is very crass. In reality, price, whether
high or low, should not be the primary motivating factor in choosing a ring. The
important thing is to get a beautiful ring made with genuine precious metals with a real
stone that she will love, not because it cost you seven hundred dollars but because you
bought it for her. Who cares if people will think that you paid too little for her ring, the
important thing is that she likes it, and it is none of their business what you paid for it. If
she is fixated on having that perfectly cut stone in an expensive setting, maybe you
should find another girl worth your time and money. Most NTBI students cannot afford
an expensive ring, but the author will not be so presumptuous as to define “too
expensive” (or “too cheap,” if there is such a thing). Some things in life have a value
beyond money, and a high price, or a low price, should not in and of itself be the most
important factor in choosing a ring. Charlie’s grandpa 13 told him, “There is loads of
money in the world; they print more off every day. But there are only FIVE golden
tickets, and there will never be another.” Your wife will only get one engagement ring,
and will wear it the rest of her life. Choose well.
One final consideration in ring buying is getting it sized. It would be disastrous to
say the least to go through the whole process, and then find her unable to put the ring on
because you got it too small. Then the young lady is left with an engagement ring she
cannot wear, and quite possibly feels like she has fat fingers. A few simple
considerations can solve this issue. First, most females will have a ring size between six
and eight. Some say average is 6.5, others say 7. If you do not know, try asking one of
the female employees to try on a ring for comparison. Another possibility is asking one
of her close friends or a sister, but not her mother. Some men have the luck of dating a
woman with poise and foresight who simply volunteer the information outright, or find a
way to provide the information surreptitiously. If you find this happening to you,
immediately start planning your proposal. She will say yes.
Even if you do everything right, it is still possible to receive a negative response,
as a number of married (and unmarried) men can confirm. Some men were even turned
down by their wives on the first or second or third proposal. Remember, therefore, that
persistence is a virtue. If a thing is worth having, it is worth fighting for. A negative
response could be a result of any number things, but the primary reason is that the
proposal came too soon. It may be that she likes you, and dreams of marrying you, but is
a conscientious objector to marrying a man she has not spent at least, say, a year dating.
It is somewhat unlikely that she turned you down due to a poorly staged proposal,
although of course the possibility should never be ruled out. In general, the purpose of a
special proposal is not merely to elicit a “yes” answer, but to make it a special day for
her. If she does say “no,” do not despair; she probably has a reasonable explanation other
than “I just can’t marry a guy that has freckles.” Instead, attempt to discover the reason
for her answer, and take any measures needed to rectify the problem. It is indeed

may hope.
13
Paraphrase from “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” directed by Tim Burton.
possible that your relationship is not headed toward marriage, but then nobody at New
Tribes dates “casually,” right?

The Father

Of vital importance to any contemplated marriage is permission from the father.

No operations should be conducted without first talking to him. Ideally, you will have
already met her father and developed some sort of amicable 14 relationship with him.
Whether you write a letter or meet him in person, remember that different fathers have
different expectations, both in terms of the caliber of man they are looking for and in how
they expect you, as a future son-in-law, to relate to them. Meeting him in person has its
advantages. For one thing, it is faster in the long run. He may have some questions for
you which you will be able to answer immediately, and he may be more impressed by the
man willing to meet him face to face. If you write him, the whole process of getting
permission could take days or weeks. On the other hand, if you ask him in person and he
asks you some hard questions, you may wish you had some time to think and write down
your answer. If her father lives within several hours’ drive, you should probably meet
him in person regardless of your own preference.
His questions and readiness to grant you permission will vary largely on two
things: how well you have gotten to know him, and how well you treat his daughter. If
he feels that he does not know you well, he may ask a large number of questions,
correspond with you at length, or worse, forbid you. Therefore you should make every
effort to know him well, and make sure he knows how you stand on important issues
such as women in the kitchen, childrearing, and 1 Corinthians 14:34. He should feel
comfortable allowing his daughter to live with you—if you have followed the principles
in this book, he will be quite impressed by the way you behave yourself with her. Only
after he gives his permission may you ask her to wed you. 15

For Example…

Most young adults are familiar with a large number of great proposal stories.
Perhaps you are wondering, though, how our good friend Fred proposed to Sue when the
time came. Since it was winter, Fred ruled out an outdoor proposal of the normal sort.
Being a skilled cook, he decided to fix her a scrumptious dinner. Because cooking and
serving a nice meal requires considerable labor, he recruited some of his friends, a girl he
knew from his MK days and some guys he met at school, to help him out preparing and
serving the dinner. He then told Sue that a staff family had invited them to have a formal
dinner on a certain night. Really, he knew they would be gone that night, and had already
gotten special permission to use their house to cook and serve the meal. When buying
the supplies, Fred made sure the car was in reverse before backing out of the store’s
parking lot. After that, with his helpers, he set to work preparing the meal. He knew that
she preferred beef to chicken, but, typical of females, would rather have a salad.
Therefore, he made a Caesar salad as an appetizer, followed up by a baked potato, grilled

14
It means friendly.
15
In the case of much older women, well after they have left the home, it may not be necessary to ask the
father, but you should still seek his blessing. At the very least, inform him.
plantains, and steak. That way she would have the salad that she wanted, and he could
have the steak he wanted. Clearly, Fred is a thinker. For dessert, he made little lemon
meringue pies (her favorite) in custard dishes, knowing that they would both be too full to
eat much but also knowing the vital importance of following an excellent meal with
dessert. Please note that this meal includes the colors red, green, yellow, orange, and
white: in general meals with a variety in color are more appetizing, healthier, and overall
more attractive. A good rule of thumb when preparing a healthy meal is to prepare a
colorful meal.
After making sure everything was in place, Fred got a quick shower, changed into
his nice clothes, and strategically applied just a little cologne. He met her on second floor
and escorted her over to the house. The family was not home, of course, but inside they
found a table with several beautiful tulips in a vase, accented by two tall candles. Shortly
a waiter appeared, and brought their drinks. Most of the meal progressed smoothly, with
the servers bringing in food as they were ready for it while leaving them largely
undisturbed. Now earlier, Fred had agonized over when to ask her, before, during, or
after the meal. If he asked her before the meal, and she said no, the rest of the night
would be rather awkward. If she said yes, she probably would hardly taste any of the
food in her excitement. On the other hand, he did not really want to ask her after the
meal when he would be quite full. After they had finished the meal, they sat quietly
chatting for a while. Finally, during a lull, he slid off his chair, knelt beside her, opened
the ring box, and said, “Will you marry me?”
It should be noted that although he did a decent job, Fred did make several
mistakes which may have escaped the reader’s notice. He had told her to come to expect
a formal dinner several days early, which was good, although realistically women need a
week to get ready for that sort of thing. One problem was that he thought that “formal”
meant khaki slacks and a button-up shirt. Maybe in Brazil that would be all right, but in
civilized nations, “formal” means a tie and sports jacket, or a tuxedo. The other major
thing he did wrong was the actual proposal. “Will you marry me” is good, but it should
include a few preparatory statements, without making the intent obvious. A good lead-in
is to reminisce some about your history together, such as how you first met her.
“Sue, remember when I first asked you out?”
“Hah! How could I forget? You had barely gotten done asking if I had a boyfriend when
you asked me out to get some coffee with your friends.”
“Yeah, that was fun. I have to admit, I was initially attracted to you because I thought
you were a cheerful, beautiful young lady. And I still do. But I have to say, since I’ve
gotten to know you, I have begun to appreciate your inward character and walk with
Christ much more than your external qualities.” (Getting more specific here is a risk, as
it may embarrass her or put pressure on her in the future.) “I have been praying about
it…” (This shows spiritual leadership, which will impress her.) “…and you are the
woman I would like to spend the rest of my life with. Will you marry me?”
Now your proposal cannot necessarily be expected to go as planned. You do not
have a writer like Fred does to ensure that your full plan is carried out to fruition. In
addition, it was easy for Fred to come up with the time and money to execute his plan.
You, sadly, do not have the luxury of being a fictional character and are therefore subject
to that natural law, “If something can go wrong, it will go wrong.” On the other hand,
you get to experience the real joy of the actual experience, as well as the precious value
of the memory of it. And although none of us has a promise of everything going
smoothly, we do have the word of the One who said, “Therefore, what God has joined, let
no man separate.” Remember, marriage is a Divine institution, not an earthly one.
 Chapter 5

Once married, you can be happy, or you can be right.

Many have wondered, “What about the wedding and the marriage?” The entire
subject of marriage is actually beyond the scope of both the purpose of this book and the
author’s experience, but nevertheless, that is what this chapter covers.

The Date

The first part of the wedding that you must plan, is, obviously, the date. Many
young men foolishly thing that they can just plan it for any day they have free. Nothing
could be farther from the truth. For one thing, your wedding date is also the date of your
anniversary for the rest of your life. That means if you plan your wedding in the middle
of hunting season, although you might not mind skipping out once or twice, you probably
do not want to forfeit hunting for the rest of your life. Rather, a real man would not want
to skip out on hunting for the rest of his life. Therefore, we can exclude May 3 through
May 31 (wild turkey, spring), and September through January (deer, bear, various fowl).
Fox and raccoon then take you to the end of March. That leaves, for possible wedding
dates, all of April, June, July, and August. If you add in fishing season, only April is left.
Realistically though a person could probably forego a day or two of fishing in May or
June, which are also excellent months to get married.
Another important detail to think of when choosing a date is to pick one that is
easy to remember. The first of the month is a good date. The last of the month might
work all right, but then if you forget how many days are in the month it could come and
go before you know it. That leaves April 1, May 1, and June 1 as possible wedding dates.
And, if you think about it, April 1 is a perfectly horrendous day to get married on.

The Wedding

One of the many perks of being born with a Y chromosome is that it is the bride’s
parents who traditionally pay for the wedding. This usually holds true unless you are in
your thirties and independent. Although there may be a great temptation to elope, doing
so could seriously tarnish your relationship with your respective parents. Technically, it
is your wedding, but mothers-in-law tend to forget that when it is their baby girl
involved. Of course, if she offers you $5000 to elope, 16 take it and run.
Fortunately, you will have to do very little of the actual planning and decision-
making yourself. Between your parents and your fiancé, you will find that much of the
planning goes by with minimal input needed (or desired) from you. Be careful, though:
do not let them get the impression that you do not care about the plans. If they ask you,
even if you do not have an opinion about some particular arraignment, give them an
answer, with authority.
Would it be OK if the groomsmen were more casual, or do you think that the groomsmen
should wear suits?
No. They should be wearing suits.
Even if you find out that you were wrong, the key is to give input when it is
requested. Just because she asks you what you think does not mean she actually cares,
since women frequently talk themselves through an issue. In fact, there is a decent
chance that she will continue on in her soliloquy as though you had said nothing.
Perhaps the most important thing to remember in all the planning is that this is not
primarily your day—it is hers.

Traveling Tips for Honeymooners

The first thing to remember when planning your honeymoon is to stay inside
North America and Europe. Exotic locations are fun to visit, but they will be there later.
Do you want to remember this time as when you came down with amoebic dysentery,
had your reservations misplaced, and were mugged? Any of those may happen in
civilized lands, but ask an MK if you do no think they happen more often in third world
countries.
If you can afford it, one of the best ways to spend this time is on a cruise. On a
ship, you can visit all of those exotic Caribbean countries in relative safety. Forget the
three-day Carnival cruise to the Bahamas, though. A far superior destination is Alaska.
Not only is the scenery more impressive, but also Alaska is simply classier. The people
speak English (well) in the ports. In addition, it is manifest that the colder weather would
be more conducive to snuggling. Also, on a budget, get an inside stateroom. All of the
rooms are small, and if you want a view, go to the deck. Unless you are willing to spend
an extra $1000 for a balcony, the ocean view is not worth the price.
Some people, unfortunately, have a terribly weak constitution and cannot bear to
be at sea for any length of time. As a United States Marine, the author has never
entertained the possibility of succumbing to any such weakness, but does acknowledge
and will adress the issue. Barring coastal areas, we are left with the choice of either an
urban or rural area. Las Vegas has historically been a popular hit among honeymooners.
One might object to visiting “Sin City,” but why? Neither gambling nor drinking, when
not taken to obsession, are demonstrably sinful. What is the difference between spending
$100 at some theme park or $100 in a casino, if you enjoy yourself? The answer is of
course that casinos have better service, some of the best hotels, and, finally, no one ever
came away from a theme park with more money than they went in with. Additionally,

16
True story.
Las Vegas, being a major tourist destination, has great shopping and all of the same
entertainment possibilities you would find in any other major city.
If going to a rural location, the gamut of possibilities goes from visiting the Grand
Canyon to camping and boating in Minnesota to skiing in the Rockies. As always
remember to keep her likes and dislikes in mind. Unless she likes hunting and fishing,
this is a very bad time to introduce her to the sport. In any event, nothing is more
unromantic than slimy fish flopping around in the bottom of the boat at 3 am. She might
not bee too excited about helping you pluck and clean those quail either. Some risks are
involved in any normal camping trip that the uninitiated should be aware of. Even if the
ground appears smoother and less rocky, never pitch your tent on low ground when a hill
is unavailable. On one occasion, in his more innocent youth, the author, following the
advice of an experienced and older camper, pitched his tent in what turned out to be a
dried up river bed. When it rained, he and his brothers found themselves floating.
Meanwhile the older, experienced (and, as it turns out, comfortably asleep) camper was
warm and dry underneath the camper shell of the truck.17
Whatever you decide, make sure that you are not going somewhere that one or the
other of you will have a hard time enjoying. If one of you grew up in an highly
conservative family, Las Vegas would be a bad idea, for example. To someone who has
lived in cities their whole life, a camping trip could be either an amazing experience or a
weeklong nightmare. Simply remember that this is the beginning of the rest of your lives
together. Start well.

17
The older, more experienced camper in question would no doubt take issue with some of the precise
details of this story, but it is, in fact, an entirely accurate representation of what really happened.
 Afterword

So concludes the writing of Dating for Newbies. Although many have exhorted
me to continue, covering marriage or any number of miscellaneous topics, even including
how being a “war hero” affects dating prospects. Indeed, at one time, this book was
intended to include at least one or two more chapters. In reality, though, most of these
topics are beyond the scope of this book or apply to a different readership. Life goes on,
and the time and place for writing this book has passed. I can only hope everyone
enjoyed reading this as much as I have enjoyed writing it. I pray that some day I’ll have
the opportunity to apply this work first-hand.