Pirates of the Caribbean: Future Pirates

written by

Austin Adams

@IamAustinAdams
EXT. JACK SPARROW'S SHIP - YEAR 2079 - DAY
It's the future. BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW sloppily eats a
biscuit as he looks over the side of his FLYING PIRATE SHIP,
gazing at clouds as biscuit chunks fall from his mouth. OLD
ORLANDO BLOOM approaches him.

OLD ORLANDO BLOOM

I don't know how many more of these
flying pirate ship battles I can
take, Jack. I'm getting old.

BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW

You should've gone bionic, like me,
mate.

Old Orland Bloom shakes his head and grips the metal side of
the futuristic flying ship really really hard.

OLD ORLANDO BLOOM

I know.
(looks to Jack)
You don't even look bionic, either.
BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW
Crazy, eh? All of my beads and
braids, they're all bionic.

He dangles them and taunts Old Orlando with them.

OLD ORLANDO BLOOM
They look like your regular ones
from before.
BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW
I know. Like the real thing. That's
why I paid the big bucks for 'em.

Jack does a thing with his arms and hands like he's a big
spider and dances around with the biscuit in his mouth.
BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW (CONT'D)
(mouth full, doing the
dance)
Plus, I can do this all the time
even though I'm old.
Old Orlando Bloom grimaces and clenches his jaw: he's pissed
as shit about not going bionic when he had the chance.
A nervous shipmate comes up to Jack and taps him on the
shoulder. Jack stops his antics and looks very annoyed.
 2.

BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW (CONT'D)

What's the problem, mate? It better
be something good.

NERVOUS SHIPMATE
Well, Jack...uh...
BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW
Captain Jack.

NERVOUS SHIPMATE
Er, yes--Captain Jack--
BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW
The Captain Jack.
NERVOUS SHIPMATE
Well, ah, The Captain Jack--

BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW

The Bionic Captain Jack.
NERVOUS SHIPMATE
(nodding emphatically)
Oh--yes,ah. Em, The Bionic Captain
Jack...
BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW
The Bionic Captain Jack Sparrow.

NERVOUS SHIPMATE
Mm. Well, The Bionic Captain Jack
Sparrow--the, uh--

BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW

The Bionic Captain Jack Sparrow,
sir.
NERVOUS SHIPMATE
Ah, yes--well, Bionic Captain Jack
Sparrow, sir, um--
Orland Bloom nods at every correction. Nervous shipmate is
sweating and squirming.

NERVOUS SHIPMATE (CONT'D)

The uh--the digital rum--

BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW

THE DIGITAL RUM?!
Captain Jack tosses his biscuit remains, lunges at the
shipmate, and grabs hold of him by the collar.
 3.

OLD ORLANDO BLOOM

Wait. What's digital rum?

BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW

(to Orlando)
When real rum went extinct, they
made a digital version. You just
put your hand on a little metal
ball and you taste whatever rum you
like--just as good as the real
stuff.
Orlando nods, what a concept. Bionic Jack turns his anger
back toward the nervous shipmate.
BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW (CONT'D)
(to shipmate)
What happened to my digital rum,
good boy?
NERVOUS SHIPMATE
It's--it's gone, Captain.

Captain Jack is about to explode, but then, suddenly--

ROBOT VERSION OF DAVEY JONES yells across the way from
another flying pirate ship.

ROBOT DAVEY JONES

Oh Jackkk! Yer missin' somethin',
ain't ye?
He holds up a sack of digital rum balls, smiling menacingly
with his robot octopus face.
BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW
(yelling at Davey)
DAVEY JONES! NOBODY TAKES MY
DIGITAL RUM! ESPECIALLY THOSE ONES!
THEY WERE PROGRAMMED TO TASTE LIKE
MY FAVORITE REAL RUM -- THE KIND I
HAD THAT ONE TIME I WAS STUCK ON AN
ISLAND AND I DRANK ALL OF IT EVEN
THOUGH I SHOULD'VE RATIONED IT ON
ACCOUNT OF ME BEING STUCK ON AN
ISLAND!
OLD ORLANDO BLOOM
Bastard.
(to nervous shipmate)
Man the laser cannons.
 4.

NERVOUS SHIPMATE
Aye, sir.
(yelling to shipmates)
Man the laser cannons!

BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW

(yelling to shipmates)
Man the laser cannons, my boys!

INT. GUN DECK - JACK'S BOAT - CONTINOUS

Shipmates rush to man the laser cannons (think the gun
thingys in the Millenium Falcon).

EXT. SIDE OF JACK'S BOAT - CONTINUOUS

Square slots open electronically, exposing the glowing laser
cannons on the side of the boat. One by one they fire, BOOM
BOOM BOOM. Bright blue laser beams blast Davey's ship.
Quick cut to the destruction on Davey's ship as a result.
As that happens, ROBOT MONKEYS WITH JETPACKS depart from
Davey's ship and jet toward Captain Jack and his crew.

EXT. JACK'S BOAT - MAIN DECK - CONTINUOUS

Captain Jack and Old Orlando have their own plasma rifles out
now, taking cover where they can, shooting off at Davey's
crew. Davey's ship is returning fire.
BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW
We got monkeys!
He points to the monkeys with one of his bionic hands that
has several rings and bracelets on it. Orlando spots them.

OLD ORLANDO BLOOM

Oh, no no no. I do not like that
even a tiny bit.
BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW
Quick, where's Keira?
OLD ORLANDO BLOOM
What?

BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW

You're supposed to make out with
Keira Knightley right in the middle
of a big battle! Now's the time!
 5.

Orlando totally forgot about this rule.

Before he can react, KEIRA KNIGHTLY rises into the sky just
ahead of them, also flying a jetpack. She has a laser
scimitar in each hand, too. Those would seem like crazy
weapons today, but they're pretty regular for the year 2079.
That's 30 whole years after Blade Runner 2049 and think about
how futuristic THAT was.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Pleasure to see you, boys.

OLD ORLANDO BLOOM

Keira! We were just talking about
how I need to make out with you
because it's the middle of a big
battle right now!
Keira lands on the ship, turning her jetpack off, doing that
trademark smirk with her weird Keira Knightly mouth.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Well, wouldn't that be nice.
(then, directly to
Orlando)
But I only kiss robots now. And
never during big battles, or even
little ones.
BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW
Guess you'll be kissing me, then,
love.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
You're bionic, not full robot. I
wouldn't kiss you, either.

BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW

Dammit.
OLD ORLANDO BLOOM
Keira, how do you look the same
age? You don't even look bionic OR
robotic.
In the background we see some shipmates violently battling
jetpack monkeys.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Honestly? I used those Goop vagina
eggs. Every time I read an article
about how bad they were, I shoved
another one up there.
(MORE)
 6.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY (CONT'D)
Every tweet about Goop being a hoax
just gave me more reason to ram
more eggs up in my Knightly Zone. I
put so many in there that I
honestly lost track, and trust me,
I was keeping track.
(beat)
It's been 59 years since I started
hiding away those eggs inside me
and now, I'm immortal, my skin is
the best it's ever been, I can read
like Superman does in that old
Superman movie, and that's about
it. Oh, and I don't feel horny
anymore, which is definitely a
letdown.
(another beat)
People gave Gwynenth Paltrow shit,
but she was right. About
everything.
(beat)
Except for the horny thing. Wish I
still could get horny.
Old Orlando and Bionic Jack look completely stunned, lost.
They might as well be back in the times when it wasn't the
future for pirates.
OLD ORLANDO BLOOM
The Goop eggs...

Then, GWYNETH PALTROW flies up with a jetpack. She's wearing

high-tech battle armor and carrying a huge rocket launcher.
GWYNETH PALTROW
I'm fuckin' Goop'd the fuck up,
baby! Woo!!
She's noticably roided out with Goop Roids. She starts
screaming and shooting her rocket launcher around, but it's
launching EXPLODING GOOP EGGS. The eggs hit parts of the
ship, the mast, and some scrambling shipmates, igniting fiery
destruction with each impact.
Her chaos is too much as the explosions lead to more
explosions, engulfing both Jack and Davey's flying pirate
ships in a hellish fireball. Jack screams one last line
before death:
BIONIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW
Not the digital rum!