Free Relationship Advice for Women - Stop Being the Man

Have you ever found yourself three or four months down the road with a man you
really like, maybe even love, and all of a sudden, you notice that everything's falling
apart? At the beginning, he was wonderful. He called, he picked you up, he made
plans, he was attentive, he told you about himself, he seemed interested in your life,
and there was incredible chemistry between you.

You felt so happy, you're smiling all the time, you had so much fun with him - it was
like you just clicked together on so many levels. You just KNEW he was the one, you
finally got this relationship thing down, you finally got it right. And then, suddenly,
he doesn't call one day at the time he usually does?

And instead of just shrugging it off (maha raputada, kõrvale heita), your head starts
spinning a million stories: Oh, he's working so hard, oh he must have been in a car
accident, something must be wrong, or even worse he's with another woman, he's
not interested in me anymore - oh NO! You can't help it, you just freak out. Over one
missed call. And so you do the normal thing - you call HIM.

I don't even want to remember the many, many times I fell into this trap. It just felt
like the right thing to do. Like the normal thing. It made sense. I was a feminist. I
was into equality for men and women. I thought a man had a right to expect that I'd
hold up my end of the relationship by calling him as much as he called me. And
either the phone would just keep ringing, or I'd get his answering machine, or a busy
signal, or I'd get him on the phone and he'd be wondering why I was calling and just
be sort of "friendly.'

If you've ever been through this, or finding yourself doing that now, like I did, then
out of your mouth (even if you wanted to stop yourself you couldn't) comes
something like 'I didn't hear from you and so I was wondering what happened. Are
you okay?" The conversation goes on from there, nice and friendly and even fun, but
the feeling of uneasiness you had the moment he broke his normal routine with you
stays with you. And it just gets harder and harder to control your thoughts that
something's wrong and he's pulling away. So you call more. Or you send cards and
emails and text messages.

You ask him to a party or a concert you happen to have tickets to. And then you
notice it. He's really only calling YOU once or twice a week. You've become the
MAN in the relationship - you're pursuing HIM.

***Here's a letter from "Missing C," who's struggling to get her relationship back to
where it was in the beginning. See if you can catch where she's turning herself into
the "boy" in the relationship:

Rori, I feel so confused, alone and distant from the man I'm seeing.

I've been seeing him for a little over 3 months now. At first we had so much fun, the
chemistry was great and he was doing things for me. He has serious commitment
issues which I think stem from a very bad childhood with a lack of any kind of
stability in his life. He admits that he has "walls" up and is scared to hurt me if it
doesn't work out or that maybe he's scared to get hurt. He is constantly worried
about his career which isn't going so well.

I can see he's got a lot on his mind. We have a great time together but I don't feel us
moving forward. He doesn't call me everyday, maybe I get an email or text and I
never know if we're going to get together until he calls at the last minute. One day
last week he didn't kiss me at all and when I asked about it he said that he's just not
"in the mood". Kissing and love making has always been one of our favorite things -
the chemistry was pretty awesome until recently.

I do most of the "guy" things. I call him, ask if he wants to get together, take care of
him, clean his house, buy him things, etc. In a way I feel like I'm mothering him. Is
that like being the "boy" really? How do I turn this around to where I'm receiving
love instead of just giving all the love? With everything he has going on and is
worried about, is it selfish of me to ask for the affection I need?

I'm scared and sad and don't want to lose this man. Please help! 'Missing C.'

***When I first got this letter from Missing C, she didn't want me to use it in an
eLetter. It felt too painful and personal. I wrote her and asked her to please
reconsider - because there is SO MUCH in this letter to work with***

"Missing C" touches on almost all the awful things that can happen in a relationship.
Were you able to find the mistakes she's making? Take a look at these and see if you
identify (I know these mistakes well because I made every one of them more than
once.)

Mistake #1: Becoming exclusive with a man who has not committed to you.

Mistake #2: This sentence - "He has serious commitment issues which I think stem
from a very bad childhood with a lack of any kind of stability in his life." It shows
that she's making excuses for the man, analyzing him in her mind, and not trusting
her instincts - because if she really believed he was so wounded that he could never
commit, then why would she date him in the first place?

Mistake #3: This sentence - "I never know if we're going to get together until he calls
at the last minute."

It shows Missing C isn't holding into any Boundaries. It takes self-esteem to say No,
and even if you don't feel strong enough on the inside (you will if you listen to the
Toolkit), saying No will make you FEEL stronger, and just saying it will
communicate self-esteem to your man.

Saying No to a last minute date, along with accepting dates from other men who DO
call in enough time (let's say three days - set your own rules), is a WIN all around.
You'll experience yourself as newly powerful. Just make sure you're not playing
games, and that you REALLY ARE BOOKED.

Mistake#4:This sentence - "I do most of the "Boy" things. I call him, ask if he wants to
get together, take care of him, clean his house, buy him things, etc. In a way I feel
like I'm mothering him. Is that like being the "boy" really?" Yes, Missing C is
definitely being the "boy - and Leaning Forward, and doing too much, over-
functioning, over-nurturing, and basically killing all the natural attraction, affection
and interest in the relationship.

When we do this - when we take the oars of the relationship in our own hands and
start rowing, when we try to "take care" of our men, their homes, their needs, we
turn into their "mothers," "sisters," "friends" or "housekeepers." That's why he's "not
in the mood" to kiss her. What man wants to kiss his mother, sister, friend or
housekeeper?

If any of "Missing C's" situation sounds familiar, know that this is one of the most
COMMON things that happens in relationships, and that the mistakes I've listed -
even though they seem bad, are the ones most of us make ALL THE TIME! We've
been TRAINED to make these mistakes. We do these instinctively, and they feel
right. But they destroy relationships. So what can Missing C do, and you, if you've
found yourself in the same situation?

First, Step Back. Stop what you're doing. You don't have to leave him - there's a
Third Way - the Rori Raye Third Way. Here are some things to get you started
toward righting yourself so you can right this relationship.

1. Start dating other men - start "Bridging." Fill up your calendar days in advance,
and if he doesn't call in time to book you, use Feeling Messages to say how great it
would feel to see him, but you can't, you're already booked. You don't have to tell
him you're dating unless he asks. It's an absolute given to ANY man that you're not
exclusive until a real future is at least on the table.

2. Be warm and open to him, but never, ever Lean Forward.

3. Treat him as you would any other man you're dating who's after your heart. Give
him no extra consideration (tähelepanu). That means - no driving to his house,
cleaning ANYTHING, GIVING anything, or thinking about him when he's not in
front of you.

4. Learn to say No and practice doing it with him.

Exactly how-to-do these steps to have the man and the relationship you want is in
the bottom- line, important, life-changing Tools my work is all about. This may seem
hard, but it isn't. We make the same mistakes over and over because of habit - and it
doesn't have to be that way.
Just feeling empowered for one tiny moment can be huge. If you put that together
with other tiny, empowering moments - you'll be stunned at how quickly you start
to feel stronger all around - and attract whatever man is standing nearest to you in a
sudden and intense way that you'll have to experience to believe.

Love, Rori Raye