Trigger warning: This is TMI!

I’m
going into detail about having sex and
my personal experiences.

First of all, I was not as

prepared as I thought I’d be. He
comes over (bless my understanding
roommates and damn these thin
walls), and we start doing all the
fun stuff. He’s wiggling his hands
in the goods, but he is a cis gay
man with scrawny fingers—and he’s
never really slept with a trans
person before me. Of course, my
spine fell off along with my
clothes, so I don’t say it’s Not
Good. This usually isn’t a
problem, my mind is a Powerful
Mx., except then it was. He takes
out the magnum (of course it has
to be magnum) and jams her in. Let
me be your older sibling; let me
tell you what I did not know. Paloma Smith, “Sunshine”, Watercolor

The internet has become a hub for the queer community to connect
and share their wisdom and advice with one another. A quick
google search will feed you the content you’re hungry for,
however, not all of this information serves everyone in the ways
that they need. Hot tea: there is little talk about sexual
pleasure for non-cis people & how to perform the “do” safely and
comfortably. This beautiful, queer performance is an internet
mystery because of its overwhelming transphobia and the hush-
hush that comes about when sharing what goes on in our sex
lives1. Though talking loudly about sex is widely accepted as
‘taboo’, it’s also important that information exists out there,
by and for trans people regardless. We need to provide and be
provided with resources on achieving pleasure that meet our
wants and needs as trans people. With trial and many, many
errors, I want to share my steamy and awkward experiences with
different types of human beings. Hopefully this can aid you
(whether you are a trans person seeking help with sex, or an
ally wanting to gain more knowledge on this experience) by
following me on my adventures with sexual pleasure and most
importantly, liberation.2

Second of all, car sex is Not possible. My thing is: if you

can’t fit 3 people comfortably in the back seats, you
shouldn’t be fucking in the back seats. Hooking up as a
trans person is annoying, like, I Want to have sex, but I
Do Not want you to text me good morning. It’s hard finding
the in-between. So, I’m scrolling through Tinder, and I
match with a guy (as you do on Tinder), and we start
talking. Soon after, he pulls up to the front of my house
and I hop in. We do Not go to his apartment: he takes me
behind a shopping center, in the dark parking spaces
reserved for employees. He starts talking to me, bringing
up his bisexuality many, many times and I know what he’s
really saying: “I’ve never had sex with a trans person, but
you sexually confuse me in the best way (I’m a Leo
sun).I’ve had sex with both boys and girlies so this should
be easy.” I’m surprised when we start fucking because I was
under the impression that he would be the one to bury me in
a ditch behind Potomac Mills Mall. I don’t say “no” because
I’m horny and I don’t have money to ϋber all the way back
to my humble abode. He was wrong, it was not easy. No
climax and a lot of rugburn. Unfortunate, right?

1
Especially as queer people, our sex lives are widely considered wrong and forces us into a silence. This
always reminds me of microaggressions like, “I’m ok with ___ as long as I don’t have to see or hear about
it”! Fuck you, normies >:))
2
Unfortunately, this is based off of my own sexy experiences as an AFAB trans person, therefore, I can’t
speak for people that identify differently than myself. However, I still hope that the content serves you well
& in the best ways possible!
 If you search up “Trans Sex” online,
you won’t not find sources vouching
to include including queer people in
sexual education, which is great. But
I’m scrolling the world wide web,
unenthused & waiting for the juicy
details. Everything is so dry! What
goes where? When & How? With who? All
valid queeries, right?

From “The Journal of Sexual

Medicine”, Science Direct quotes,
“TNB youth have unique sex education
needs that are not well covered in
most sexual health curriculum”3. The
content of the report elaborates on
Paloma Smith, “Feasteth”, Watercolor the lack of knowledge that queer
youth, health professionals, and
parents/adults have about queer sex. All of their numbers are
low; slow clap for this obvious piece of information4. This is
unfortunately reiterated on many other sites; Even Better and
just as Vague, the Human Rights Campaign voices that “LGBTQ
youth need and deserve to learn in settings that are inclusive
of their experiences and that give them the information
necessary to stay safe and healthy”5. This is all fine & dandy on
paper, but it doesn’t help the trans people that want to have
sex Now. It doesn’t help those who don’t know how/where start.

Recently, I was chatting with one of my younger friends & he

confided in me about his girlfriend dumping him because he
‘couldn’t’ have sex with her. Not that he didn’t want, he just
didn’t know how to without the intense dysphoria that follows.
Don’t worry, I sat down and gave him the tea. Just like I’ll
give y’all the tea.

3
“Sex Education for Transgender and Nonbinary Youth: Previous Experiences and Recommended
Content” from ScienceDirect.com, “The Journal of Sexual Medicine” vol. 16 issue 11
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1743609519313724
4
You would think that if someone is searching for sex education, they would find sex education. Not a
thousand & one websites saying that there is none & we need it. Thanks Human Rights Campaign.
5
“A Call to Action: LGBTQ Youth Need Inclusive Sex Education” from hrc.org
https://www.hrc.org/resources/a-call-to-action-lgbtq-youth-need-inclusive-sex-education
So,
How do we stay safe and comfortable when many of us suffer from
emotional and physical discomfort in our bodies? Well, there Are
videos existing on YouTube of trans people explaining how they
have sex, but not all of their advice is generally applicable to
gender-fluent trans people. Many of these content creators are
white, binary, and/or Cis passing6, thus leaving out all of the
people on the outside and in between.

Click below for some trans youtubers

talking about their sexual experiences7:

Do not support this trans man by visiting his YouTube channel*

Teen Vogue recently issued “Transgender People and What They

Wish They Had Learned in Sex Ed”8 and I’ll save you the read: the
online mag actually does a pretty good job at explaining what
exactly needs to change in Sex Ed courses and the next steps to
take, but it still lacks the details we are waiting for. Which
is what?

6
and/or because they have been able to medically transition & are comfortable enough where they are to
be able to share these parts with themselves
7 Notice who they are and what they look like. Notice the language they use. Who is this for?
8
“Transgender People and What They Wish They Had Learned in Sex Ed” from Teen Vogue January
2020 https://www.hrc.org/resources/a-call-to-action-lgbtq-youth-need-inclusive-sex-education

Paloma Smith, “Peaches and Cream”, Watercolor
Annoyingly, I find myself obsessing
over what my partner(s) perceive me
as. I want to feel comfortable as
myself and be seen as myself just
the same (even if I’ll never be
seen by them again). If I have a
hunch that they see something of me
that isn’t how I want to be seen, I
have really sad sex. But who sees
me as myself? My friends.
Sometimes you hook up with a friend
and become not friends until
hooking up again a year, but at
least they have sex with the right
version of you. Sometimes you have
sex with your friends all the time
because you are all on the same
page. You don’t stop talking, you
create boundaries between
yourselves, and you have a fun and
pleasure-filled pal time.
Tea: so many people don’t
know how to have sex with my
body, our bodies. This can
be frustrating when everyone
else seems to have been
given a blueprint on how to
fuck each other. I want a
blueprint! As someone who
has had a few wacky hookups
(been there, done that, wore
the damn t-shirt), I think
it’s safe to say that the
more verbal communication,
the better, especially if
you are just beginning to
have sex as or with a tnb
person. Odds are your person
(unless they are also trans
and knows what’s up) will
not know how to drive the
boat so it’s up to you to
teach them. “I want to do
the ‘do’ with you and for
you, so what’s next?” We
want the body, the
stimulation, the give & the
receive. Sometimes just the
give, and sometimes just the
receive.
**(AFABS are not always
“bottoms”, despite popular
assumption) **
So here is what I think I know:

1. Discovering the landscape of

your own body will make having sex
a lot more enjoyable. After all,
you can’t communicate what you
want, what your body can and can’t
do, and how far you are willing to
go, if you don’t know yourself.
Fiddle around. What makes you feel
ok? More than ok? Completely Not
Ok? Dysphoric? Understand what you
want and find ways to help achieve
that with them and for yourself.

2. Experiment with toys that suit

your needs. This is a good way to
gage how far your body can go and
you can also use them with other
people! I’ve noticed that using
toys during sex can help ease my
dysphoria.

3. Knowing how to say “no” and

“wait” is a good thing to prepare
for, because it will come up.

4. Cis people should not assume

they know how to drive the boat if Paloma Smith, “FOOD PORN”, Watercolor
they never have before! Do not let
the Cissies tell you otherwise!
5. Use a lot of lube, especially if
Teach them how to steer the way you
you are bottoming in any way, shape,
do! I know y’all be whippin!
or form. Come hell or high water,
“How do I do this?”
there will be lube. If you are an
“Is this ok?”
FTM on HRT, like myself, things can
**for non-trans folk: different
get a little tighter and more
parts of a trans person will change
difficult when having non-anal
if they’ve been on Hormone
penetrative sex. But also keep in
Replacement Therapy. Make sure you
mind that penetration does not
ask if what you’re doing is
equate to sex.
painful, causing discomfort, or too
much/little at once**
 6. If you ever try anal douching (if
you’re into all that jazz), make sure
that the water you use is not too hot.
You will only make this mistake once, I
promise.

7. It is still very possible for

transitioned FTMs to get pregnant! So,
use appropriate contraception!

8. Make sure you know if your partner

is STI tested, use contraception that
you prefer (regular 711 condoms, dental
dams, internal condoms), and clean all
of the toys you use, if any.

It’s all just trial & error,

finding what we want & dodging
everything else. I found that with
my ex-girlfriend, I could get off
by getting her off first (she was
a pillow princess). Getting
comfortable enough, completely, to
be around her naked took months of Paloma Smith, “Lubricous”, Watercolor
trying & failing & working
everything around. When I tell her
what I like and how I do what I do 9. Do not let anyone treat you
to myself, she listens and tops as if you are an experiment.
me. Best sex of my life. You are not. We are not.

Haley, S. G., Tordoff, D. M., Kantor, A. Z., Crouch, J. M., & Ahrens, K. R. (2019, October 1). Sex Education
for Transgender and Non-Binary Youth: Previous Experiences and Recommended Content. Retrieved
from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1743609519313724

Human Rights Campaign. (n.d.). LGBTQ Youth Need Inclusive Sex Education. Retrieved from
https://www.hrc.org/resources/a-call-to-action-lgbtq-youth-need-inclusive-sex-education

Stephenson, S. (2020, January 20). 12 Transgender People on What They Wish They Had Learned in Sex Ed.
Retrieved from https://www.teenvogue.com/story/transgender-people-what-they-wish-they-learned-in-sex-ed

Welcome to O.K.Gm.com!
G. Mitchell at the Laundry Mat on Strawberry
Street, writing This Blog Post and waiting for
their clothes to dry clothes to dry
Instagram: @o.k.gm
All of the art in this post is from
Paloma Smith, @octoplum on both
Instagram and Etsy. Where you
can what? Purchase her art 😊
This is a personal outlet that documents
my experiences as a trans nonbinary
P.O.C.: how I navigate living alongside
friends, family, neighbors, and strangers.
Learning how to explore the world has
been very stressful; what we’ve made of
the world has not been set up to meet our
needs. The internet is sometimes vacant
of the details that we need to hear the
more.
Here is a space not only intended to
create More Space for tnb identifying
people, but to share my experiences that
have forced me to adapt to my
surroundings & exist in spaces that are
made to exclude me.
Follow me on Instagram @o.K.gm