 Domestic Violence is a repeated pattern of behaviors for the

purpose of power and control

 Behavior that physically injures or violates intimate partners or family
relationships
 Abuse may be subtle and many people do not recognize at first
 Includes abuse that does not have to be physical
 Physical violence is ONE particular type of abuse. There are many
types of abuse. Emotional abuse, economical abuse, sexual abuse and
social abuse.
 Main patterns of abusive behavior include – aggression, anger,
domination, intimidation, manipulation, punishment and control.
 Victims often fear their abuser. They either are or think they are
dependent upon their abusers. May fear harm will come to them if
they leave their abusers.
 Abuser counts on these fears and dependencies to continue the
abuse!
 Abusers do NOT necessarily look abusive. May be attractive,
charming and well dressed
 They may be people we do business with, the person next door,
and people we think well of and trust.
 Abusers are doctors, lawyers, mechanics, grocers, and teachers.
 They may be members of law enforcement, politicians,
neighbors, family and friends, casual dates.
 Abuse happens among the rich and the poor, among people
with influence and power and amongst those without it, among
professionals and the unemployed.
 It occurs in urban and rural populations and in diverse ethnic
communities
 It is NOT restricted by age, social status, sexual orientation or
class.
 One FACT is certain.
 Abusers are accountable for their own actions
 Their actions can not be blamed on others
 Viewing them as SICK, wrongly excuses them
from their actions!!!
 Patterns of Domination and Control
 Contrary to popular opinion, abuse is not an isolated or random incident in a relationship; it is a pattern of
behavior.
 It is NOT a loss of control but quite the opposite.
 NO violent/abusive man is out of control, but a man at work on his own agenda, which is to train his woman
to be what he wants her to be, and ONLY what he wants her to be, ALL the time.
 Abusive behavior is a pattern that attempts to establish dominance and control over and to harm it’s
victims.
 Controlling, intimidating, humiliating, manipulating and punitive and violent actions are used to reinforce
one persons authority over and oppression of another.
 Abuse may occur unpredictably or in regular patters over a short or long period of time. May happen
occasionally or repeatedly, may happen every day, every week, every month or every year.
 All abuse ultimately reinforces one underlying theme – that one person retains control over the other.
 If you are involved with an abuser, mistreatment can break down your sense of self –worth and steal your
personal power. It can enforce LEARNED helplessness (An acquired feeling that you can not do things right,
survive on your own, or escape your abuse)
 Immediate benefits of both battering and control are known by both abuser and victim. Men benefit from
having placating wives, they do not have to bother with daily negotiations, children, housecleaning or the
allocation of each partners leisure time
 Battered women ensure that things run smoothly so that nothing irritates their men.
 Tactics of domination and control are the cornerstone of violent and abusive behavior.
 Learned and Reinforced
 Most Domestic Violence is caused by learning and reinforcement rather than
by biology or genetics.
 Behaviors are learned and reinforced through families as well as in all major
institutions, legal, social, religious, educational, medical, and mental health
 Male violence against women in intimate relationships is a social problem,
condoned and supported by the customs and traditions of a particular society
 Pornographic videos, magazines, and websites are learning grounds which
teach that women are unworthy of respect and valuable only as sex objects
for men
 Domestic violence is repeated because it works and because frequently there
is no legal consequences.
 Religious beliefs have often condoned the abuse of women. Many religious
scriptures instruct women to submit to male domination.
 The fact that Domestic abuse is learned means that the abuser’s have a choice
and that the perpetrators learned behavior can be changed.
 Small Percentage
 In a very small percentage of domestic violence
cases, violence may be caused by organic or
psychiatric impairments and is not part of a
pattern of coercive control.
 With illness based abuse there is usually no
particular victim and there is a constellation of
other clear symptoms of the disease.
 Addiction
 Domestic Violence is NOT caused by alcohol or drug addiction
 Addiction does NOT cause partner abuse, and recovery from
addiction does not cure the abuse. They are 2 separate
problems
 Certain chemicals – anabolic steroids, crack cocaine, can cause
violent behavior but alcohol is NOT among them
 In the human body, alcohol is a depressant , a substance that
rarely causes aggression
 Alcohol and drugs are often used as excuses for abuse, though
research indicates that the continued pattern of abuse
behaviors are not caused by those chemicals
 Interventions must be directed at both the domestic violence
AND the substance abuse
 Controlled behavior
 Domestic violence is NOT out of control behavior
 Some perpetrators hit only areas of the body that
won’t show bruises
 Domestic violence is NOT caused by anger
 Anger displays are often merely tactics used by
the abuser to intimidate and control the victim
 Abusers choose time and place to abuse that are
designed to have the most powerful impact with
the least risk.
 Stress
 Domestic Violence is NOT caused by stress
 Everyone has stress in their life. People can and do
chose a variety of ways to reduce stress in their
life.
 We would not excuse robbery or a mugging
because the individual was stressed & we can
NOT excuse the perpetrators of domestic violence
who use stress as an excuse
 Relationships
 Domestic violence is NOT caused by relationship
problems
 People can be in distressed relationships without
resorting to violent / abusive behavior
 Blaming the relationship takes the focus off the
perpetrator’s responsibility for the violence/abuse
and unintentionally supports the perpetrator’s
denial, minimization and rationalization of the
abuse.
 Psychological – Has he ever
 Called you names?
 Verbally humiliated you?
 Intimidated or threatened you?
 Not allowed you to use the phone or the car?
 Used guilt to manipulate you? (If you loved me, you would…)
 Threatened to leave or have an affair if you fail to comply?
 Accused, degraded or embarrassed you?
 Isolated or ignored you as a punishment?
 Slammed his fist on the wall or the table?
 Threatened to harm you, family members or pets?
 Threatened you with a weapon?
 Kept you from family and/ or friends?
 Monitored your actions or behaviors?
 Neglected you?
 Subjected you to reckless driving?
 Blamed you for abusive incidents?
 Consistently ignored your feelings?
 Financial - Has he ever…
 Controlled all the family money?
 Questioned you about every small expense?
 Taken money from you?
 Lied to you about money?
 Refused to buy necessities like food?
 Kept secret accounts?
 Spent money needed for food or other things on
drugs, alcohol or things he wanted?
 Caused you to lose your job by causing trouble?
 Refused to include you in financial decisions?
 Sexual – Has he ever….
 Forced you to have sex?
 Forced you to have oral sex?
 Withheld sex to punish you?
 Intentionally hurt you during sex?
 Made what you considered kinky demand/requests repeatedly?
 Raped you?
 Demanded or repeatedly bothered you about having sex with his
friends or any other 3rd party?
 Threatened sexual violence?
 Committed incest?
 Forced your involvement in sexual pornography?
 Not listened when you said ‘NO’ to any act that made you
uncomfortable or that you did NOT like?
 Physical – has he ever…
 Broken, thrown or destroyed things when he was angry?
 Pushed or shoved you?
 Slapped you?
 Pulled your hair?
 Punched or bitten you?
 Choked, strangled or suffocated you?
 Pushed you down stairs?
 Confined you?
 Burned you?
 Used weapons against you?
 Spit on you?
 Hit you with an object?
 Kicked you?
 Locked you in or out?
 Stalked you?
 Harmed your pets?
 Punched holes in walls or doors?
 Physical & Psychological Violence/Abuse
 MYTH - a man who verbally lashes out,
intimidates or harasses his partner is not likely to
lash out physically.
 TRUTH – verbal intimidation, harassment, and
similar actions represent escalating attempts to
control the partner (Walker, 1979) Ultimately
these acts will lead to physical violence.
 Prevalence and Seriousness
 MYTH - battered women represent only a small
percentage of the population
 TRUTH – 3.8 to 8.7 million couples experience
violence. Battering affects a substantial portion of the
population.
 of married couples experience violence at
some point in their relationship
 Roughly 50% of dating couples experience violence in
their relationship
 Lesbians report that as many as 59% report being in
abusive relationships
 Violence
 MYTH – women who repeatedly leave and return to violent/abusive
partners do so mainly do so because they are emotionally unable to
separate from them. Battered women can always leave home.
 TRUTH – Statistics show that women leave their batterers more times
than is believed. Brown (1979) indicates that abused women make an
average of 7 attempts to leave before they do so permanently. When
these women return, they indicate they were not taken seriously by
the person they went to.
 Family members have often pushed the women to try harder
 Clergy, doctors and even psychotherapists have often encouraged
women to modify their own behavior in order to affect a change in
the relationship.
 Inability to obtain emotional support is a common reason these
women return to their abusive situations.
 MYTH - a woman’s nagging is a major cause of abuse
in the home.
 Some women deserve to be beaten/abused
 Many battered women do things that , though
unintentional, cause their husbands to abuse them
 TRUTH – violence and abuse is ALWAYS the
responsibility of the person who commits it !
 Although nagging can be unpleasant, and battered
women may engage in behaviors that are very
disagreeable, a batterer has numerous alternatives,
like just leaving the room
 Just some FACTS !!! Children who witness domestic abuse…
 Show more aggressive behavior toward siblings, peers and
NON-abusive parent
 Model behavior of the abusive parent
 Have increased fears at bedtime
 Fear of sleeping alone
 Frequent nightmares
 Separation anxiety in children who never exhibited it before.
 Frequent crying
 Harming family pets and other small animals
 Serious drop in school grades
 Attempts to harm themselves
 Talk of wishing they were dead
 Thoughts of suicide
 More FACTS… Adolescents and Teenagers
 Use alcohol and drugs
 Running away
 Cutting
 Suicidal thoughts or actions
 Joining gangs
 Criminal activities
 Eating disturbances
 Truancy
 More FACTS… less obvious effects
 Becoming quiet and more withdrawn
 Tending not to bring friends home
 Being afraid to try new things
 Taking a parental role in the family
 Frequent physical complaints, especially stomach aches
 Bedwetting due to non physical problems
 Withdrawing from school or social activities
 Difficulty focusing in school
 Being a perfectionist or over achiever
 Feelings of shame and/or guilt
 More FACTS… Long Term Effects
 Girls may grow up and marry abusive partners
 Boys can become abusive themselves
 Low self-esteem
 Negative experiences inhibit abilities to make
positive choices
 Just more FACTS… Parental Anger
 Anger in the home can cause stress for even the youngest of children in the
home. It is often hard to differentiate between childhood behavior or trauma
related behavior
 Symptoms are not solely attributed to parental anger, however knowing these
red flags will help assess a child’s needs
 A child is afraid to try things, his sensitivity to criticism prevents him from
taking on challenges or tasks.
 Child seems depressed, lethargic or lacks interest in age appropriate activities.
 Child has behavior problems in school that go beyond just normal acting out
 Child appears to have little empathy toward people who are either hurt or sad
 Child displays low self-esteem, puts others down
 Child is constantly dissatisfied with his own performance or behavior
 Child is overly abusive with sibling or flies into angry rages which he tries to
hurt a younger child or sibling.
 MYTH - Children need their father even if he is
abusive.
 TRUTH – this myth keeps many women in an
abusive and dangerous relationship for the sake of
their children.
 Studies show that many children suffer
permanent damage from viewing violence/abuse
(J.S. Cummings et al 1989)
 The children themselves may become victimizers
or allowed themselves to become victimized.
 MYTH – Most children in violent or abusive homes are unaware
of the abuse
 TRUTH – The above statement was a belief until the late 1970’s
 Studies themselves show that the women themselves all to
often underestimate the exposure of abuse to their children
 Only 25% of women in shelters believed their children had been
exposed to the abuse. (Tomkins et al 1989)
 Another study focused on children’s self reports (Jenkins, Smith
& Graham 1994) found that 71% of the children living in the
home witnessed the abuse
 There is research showing that children who are exposed to
marital violence/abuse sustain both short term and long-term
damage to their cognitive, emotional and interpersonal
development.
 MYTH – spouse abuse has no long term impact on
children and once out of the abusive environment
children recover without intervention
 TRUTH – Children who witness abuse often suffer
from symptoms that are consistent with Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder
 These symptoms, if treatment isn’t provided,
(Rossman, 1994) can be provoked by additional
reminders such as contact with the abuser,
experience with arguing adults, and so on.
 Cultural Issues
 MYTH – religious beliefs/knowledge strongly
decrease the probability of becoming a
batterer/abuser
 TRUTH – Battery and abuse does not discriminate.
Not by religious beliefs, age, social or economic status
…
 It can happen to any woman and belonging to any
religious group or age, social or economic status etc.
 Abuse is just as likely to occur in Christian or Catholic
homes as it is in Jewish homes or where religion is not
existent at all
 Dynamics of Battering/Abuse
 MYTH – Alcohol causes battering/abuse when the man
drinks.
 TRUTH – Although many batterers are alcoholics, or
problem drinkers, research shows that they do most of
their abuse when sober.(Browne, 1987; Gelles & Straus
1989)
 Even if the abuse is committed while the man is under the
influence of alcohol, the alcohol can not be blamed for the
abuse, even though many abusers will try to blame the
alcohol for this.
 These men who often quit drinking or seek treatment for it
, will continue to abuse unless they get severe treatment
for this as well.
 MYTH – Batterers/Abusers will cease their behavior once
the couple gets married.
 Often in a abusive relationship the abuser will cease being
abusive permanently if he is happier.
 TRUTH – If a man is violent of abusive before marriage,
this will only escalate after the marriage.
 Battering often escalates and NEEDS to be treated
 A common MISCONCEPTION by spouses is if they could
only figure out how to make their mates happier, if his job
situation got better, or he could control his drinking, then
the violence would cease.
 The Battery/Abuse is a characteristic of the Abuser and
NOT something the woman can control.
 MYTH – Signs that a partner will become abusive
usually present themselves within the first few weeks
 TRUTH – There are NO consistent patterns regarding
when the abuse first appears or how it manifests.
(what causes the first outburst)
 Violence/Abuse may occur early in the relationship or
take a long time to develop.
 Usually there is a progression of abuse, from verbal to
increasingly violent or even physical abuse over time.
(There are many forms of abuse and NONE are OK)
 MYTH – Most women would rather experience
psychological abuse than physical
 TRUTH – The majority of women experience the
psychological abuse as a far more WORSE and
DEVESTATING component that the physical.
 A review of the research done by O’Leary (1999)
indicates that ridicule is the worst type of abuse.
 Couple’s Therapy
 MYTH – working on relationship issues in couples therapy can
decrease the violence/abuse.
 TRUTH – the consensus is that doing couple’s therapy while
abuse exists is ineffective and downright dangerous!
 Couple’s therapy may increase risk or harm to the woman.
Couples therapy forces the couple to deal with problems in the
relationship, which is likely to lead to more conflict and increase
in violent/abusive behavior.
 Couple’s therapy is INEFFECTIVE (won’t work) because the
abusers behaviors are his own and independent of the
behaviors of the victim.
 (IT IS NOT THE VICTIMS FAULT AT ALL! This is once again, a
Characteristic of the Abuser!)
3 Phases
 Tension Building Phase
 Acute Battering Incident
 Affectionate, Remorseful, Loving
Honeymoon stage.

 The longer this cycle continues, the more

severe the abuse becomes.
 Victims often describe this stage as if they are
walking on eggshells
 A level of uncertainty of what behavior to expect
from their abuser (tension experienced by all
members in the household)
 Victims often believe they can calm or diffuse
their abusers behavior with techniques that have
been successful in the past
 When these coping techniques fail, the tension
becomes unbearable and the couple moves in to
stage 2
 Tension from stage 1 escalates and ends up in
an explosion
 Assault may be verbal and humiliating,
attacking the victims self esteem and self
worth
 It can also be or get physical
 Police may or may not be called
 Hopeful stage for the victim due to behavior by both parties
 (Following Stage 2) Abuser will often exhibit loving and attentive
behavior towards the victim in hope of forgiveness
 Abuser my even try to justify his abusive behavior by blaming the
victim or others for the abuse
 It is common for the victim to FALSELY believe the abuse is her
fault as well
 Abuser’s PROMISE to change often encourage victim to have
hope and stay in the relationship as the victim just wants the
abuse to end, not necessarily the relationship entirely.
 Denial of abuse, and minimizing the abusers behavior is common
in both parties
 Without education and support in regard to domestic abuse, the
victim may find it hard to free herself from the abuse.
 Erase internet Footprints - prevent abusers finding where you visit
online. (Safer to call or even come into Turning Point or Crisis Center to
get help)
 Use a safer computer (as it is impossible to completely erase your activity) like
one at the library, community center, or even at a friends house, or an internet
café. Any location that will be safer than your home.
 Email – change your access passwords frequently to keep abuser from gaining
access to your email. (definitely have your own account, not a shared)
 Internet – Clear your internet cache (temporary files and browser history) so
as to help diminish abuser from finding what sites you have been visiting. If
your partner may notice and empty history you may want to spend time after
clearing the history and temporary files visiting other sites he may visit and
yourself as well to keep him from becoming suspicious of your internet
activity
 For information on how to do any of the following call a crisis center line
and they will be able to help you .
 More
 Traditional corded phones are more private than
cell phones or cordless phones.
 Just remember taking any and all cautions
advised within may NOT be enough to keep your
abuser from discovering your internet, email and
phone history!
 Don’t hesitate to contact your local or National
Crisis Line
 Escape Site for a quick exit to google.com
 1-800-892-8900 24 Hour McHenry County
Crisis Line
1-800-799-SAFE National Crisis Hotline
 Abuser exerts
Power and Control
over the victim
combined with the
Cycle of Violence
to keep women in
abusive
relationships .
 Fear of Physical harm
 Fear of threats
 Fear of harassment
 Fear of making abuser angrier
 Fear of living alone or being alone
 Fear of losing children
 Fear of losing house and car
 Fear others will blame you
 Fear of the unknown
 Fear of financial problems without him
 Fear a change in standard of living
 Fear of deportation
 Fear no one believes you
 Fear of the court system
 Love
 Still loves the abuser
 Commitment to the relationship
 Sex, affection and kindness during non-
violent/turbulent times
 Companionship
 History together
 Hope it’s going to improve
 Hope He’ll change
 Emotional
 Low self-esteem
 Being emotionally exhausted
 Loneliness
 Guilt
 Self-blame for the abuse
 Feeling like a failure
 Feeling defective
 Feeling unwanted by others
 Change
 Not wanting a divorce
 Not wanting to be a single parent
 Not wanting to look for someone else
 Not wanting to leave pets
 Not wanting to grieve
 Not wanting to start over
 Not wanting to change life style
 Not wanting to lose family
 Not wanting to be excluded from social functions
 Abuser
 Uses mind games
 Uses crying
 Uses threats of suicide
 Uses his power and his families power
 Uses his Mr. Nice Guy image
 Uses promises
 Uses apologies
 Children
 Pressure from children that they want their dad
 Believes it is best for the children
 Custody issues
 Need childcare
 Fear children will chose sides
 Support
 No where to go
 Unaware help is available
 No support system
 Isolated from support
 Needs
 Needs insurance
 Needs financial support
 Have health/disability issues
 The abuser senses that the fewer relationships the woman has, the more easily
he can control her.
 He may be extremely jealous of any relationships she has outside the home.
 A battered woman may distance herself from family and friends in fear that they
will discover the abuse and blame her for it.
 Even though alcohol or drugs can intensify an action neither is the cause for
abuse. The responsibility for the abuse lies completely with the abuser!
 Abusive men often tell their wives that they are bad women, bad wives and bad
mothers. Women often WRONGFULLY start to believe they can NOT do anything
right or that there is something wrong with her.
 Batterers/Abusers are NOT out of control. They choose the victim, time, place,
and severity of assault when committing the abuse.
 The abuser assumes he is entitled to control his partner. He is often a moral
person, even if he uses violence/abuse against his partner, he will get what he
wants through the use of violence/abuse. The abuser usually does not experience
any adverse physical, legal, economic or personal consequences that outweigh
the benefits he has achieved by committing the abuse.
 While there is no typical batterer, some
common behaviors do exist among abusers.
 Most minimize the seriousness of the abuse
 Most will blame the abuse on the victims provocations
(saying she caused this, either by actions or words)
 Most will blame their actions of abuse on alcohol,
drugs or stress.
 Traditional views of sex/gender roles and parenting as
well as negative attitudes towards women in general
are common
 Battering is the extreme expression of the belief in
male dominance over women!
 40-60% of men who abuse their women abuse their children as
well.
 Children exposed to wife abuse suffer low self-esteem,
depression, poor health, sleep difficulties, post traumatic stress
disorder, poor impulse control, and are at higher risk for problems
in school, drug and alcohol abuse, sexual acting out, running away,
isolation, loneliness, fear and suicide.
 Abuse takes many forms – insults, humiliation, monitoring victims
movements, isolation of victim from family and friends, suicide
threats, threats to harm family or property, and physical or sexual
abuse. Abusers also blamed them for the abuse or used jealousy as
an excuse for the abuse.
 1/3 of all police calls are spent responding to domestic violence
calls
 More
 Not identifying abuse
 Normalize abusive behaviors
 Abusive cycle is familiar
 Others accept violence as ok
 Pressure from others
 Preserve abusers reputation
 Religious beliefs
 Social status
 Security
 Having hopes and dreams
 Same sex partners
 Knowing its ok to leave !
 Take Action Now
 Even though you may be afraid for your safety, for
your children’s safety or for the safety of others, it
all may depend on your willingness to act
 It is more dangerous to do NOTHING then to take
some kind of action.
 There are many things you can do before, during
and after a situation arises.
 Before a Violent Abusive Incident
 National Domestic Abuse hotline
 www.thehotline.org
 1.800.799.SAFE
 Prepare
 Identify 2 people near home or where staying and ask them to notify police if they hear a
disturbance
 Devise a code word with family, friends and neighbors to use when I need them to call the
police
 Open my own savings account to increase my own independence
 Leave money, an extra set of keys, clothes, and important documents with someone I trust.
 Decide where I will go if I leave my home even if I don’t think it will come to that.
 Identify a domestic violence shelter in my area
 Find out which friends or family will let me stay with them or possibly lend me money
 Keep shelter hotline close at hand and a calling card and/or loose change on hand at all times.
 Identify which door, window, stairwell etc.. Is the quickest way out of the house and practice
an escape route.
 Teach children to dial 911
 Pack a bag and have it ready to go. Keep the bag accessible where it can be grabbed quickly!
 Take the following items…
 Money – cash, checkbook, ATM cards, etc…
 Identification – drivers license, registration, social security
card, passport, green card, public assistance ID, work
permit, etc…
 Important papers - divorce papers, school and vaccination
records, birth certificates for me and my children, lease or
rental agreements, insurance papers.
 Clothing
 Keys – keep copies, house, work, car
 Medication
 Order of Protection – keep this with you at ALL times!
 Review safety plan
 Prepare and review safety plans as often as
possible.
 Know Your Safety Plan !!!
 You can download a free one using the following
link.
(http://www.mchenrycountyturningpoint.org/pdf/
PersonalizedSafetyPlan.pdf )
 Follow the 7 steps outlined in the above
mentioned safety plan!
 During a violent/abusive incident
 If an argument starts use judgment and intuition!
 You may have to give abuser what he wants until you can get
yourself and children to safety. Protect yourself until you can
get to safety
 Stay close to a room or area with easy access to an exit
 Stay away from bathroom, kitchen or any area where there is
weapons
 Defend and protect myself, scream loudly and continuously, call
for help.
 Get away. Try to get my packed bag but if it is to dangerous, just
leave it.
 Go to a relative, friend or shelter
 Call 911 or local police
 Police
 They must help you and try to keep you safe from
future abuse.
 They are required to arrange transportation to
hospital, or other safe place for you
 They should arrest the abuser if there is enough
evidence of a crime
 They must give you a paper that explains your
rights and a list of social service agencies that can
help
 After the incident
 Get medical attention/help if needed. If there are
injuries as the medical professionals to take pictures
of them
 Make a police report – even if you don’t want the
abuser arrested, the report will become evidence of
past abuse that might prove helpful to me in the
future. THE ABUSER WILL NOT BE MADE AWARE
YOU MADE THE REPORT!!!
 Under circumstances and for obvious reasons, the
police may have to arrest abuser if there are physical
signs of the abuse.
 Make the report as soon as possible after the abuse!
 Save Evidence
 In case you need to take legal action now or later.
 Evidence includes medical records and police
reports. Dated photos of injuries or of house in
disarray, dated diary entries, torn clothing and
weapons. Statements from anyone who
witnessed the incident.
 KEEP Text messages, voicemail and email!
 Order of Protection
 You can go to court and get an order of protection or
if you need help with this you can call the National
Domestic Abuse Hotline 1.800.799.SAFE

Get Support
seek out people that want to help. Crisis line, shelter,
police, family, friends…
Plan to attend a victim’s support group or talk to a
domestic violence counselor to learn more about
yourself and the relationship!
Get Educated!!!
 Often times abusers who receive counseling
for the violent and abusive behavior are not
effective and often times the abuser becomes
even more skilled on how to abuse his
intimate partner
 5 ways to identify abusive behavior
 Physical Aspect of Relationship – any behavior that involves coercion by
means of physical touching. (grabbing, holding, kicking, slapping, pushing,
punching, or threatening with any type of weapon fits into the controlling or
abusive category. This type of abuse is NEVER the victims fault that the
abuser CHOOSES to use this kind of behavior.
 Environmental Aspect of Relationship - things of value (either monetary or
sentimental value) are broken or shattered, purposefully punching a wall or
hitting a table. These are actually tactics designed to intimidate!
 Verbal Aspect of Relationship – this behavior ranges from general put downs
to derogatory comments, name calling and verbal threats. It’s purpose is to
oppress and demean.
 Sexual Aspect of Relationship – behavior varies on a continuum. The lower
end involves the right to say NO. Moving up the scale it involves coercing (or
trying to) someone into engaging in sexual activity through verbal or
behavioral means.
 Psychological Aspect of Relationship – permission is required to pursue goals.
There is an isolation from family and friends, authority with children is
undermined, opinions are discounted or ignored, and things of importance are
devalued
 Controlling Behavior and Verbal Abuse
 Male role controlling behavior work s by physically,
verbally or emotionally destroying their partners
physical and emotional integrity to where the victim is
afraid to be herself, will control herself and therefore
will be available to be controlled by her abuser.
 Emotionally controlling behavior is implemented
through verbal abuse, body language and deprivation
(withholding). These behaviors are the way the
abuser treats his partner.
 Abuse is always about control. Whether its verbal,
emotional or physical abuse, it is all about
CONTROLLING YOUR PARTNER, subtly or openly.
 Controlling her time
 Controls her time by making her wait. (ex. Tells her he is ready
to talk, but continues doing other things and keeps her waiting
longer)
 Tells her he is ready for bed, then makes her wait
 If she complains for having to wait, he will blame her for not
having enough patience. (‘I have to wait on you’ or ‘Do you just
expect me to drop everything?’) thereby blaming HER for his
making her wait
 If the partner does something while waiting, the Abuser will
angrily proclaim “that HE has been WAITING for HER”
 A subtle way of controlling a partners behavior is to leave most,
if not all, of the work to do herself and then complaining about
anything she does for herself, or what she does NOT get done.
 Other examples include procrastinating promised work.
(especially what she is counting on) “watching just one more
program” or “playing just one more game” (that goes on and on
and on)
 Refusing to give a simple and concrete answer to concrete and
direct questions. (are you going to do this or that? … we will have
to wait and see, I suppose, maybe, what do you think, I didn’t
know I was supposed to , why don’t you figure it out)
 Abuser may also control his partners time by grandstanding.
 If she tells him she is unhappy about and incident, he will deny it
happened, discount her feelings, or accuse her of trying to start a
fight.
 He might also proclaim that ‘ you are causing the problem by
bringing it up’ or ‘no one else notices’ or ‘everyone else does, so
why cant I?’
 Diverting, countering or blocking
 Forgetting, forcing her to ‘explain’ , making her
repeat because the abuser was not listening or
paying attention and ‘prove it’ are also common
ways for abusers to occupy her time and energy
 Control her time in some way, any way and
BLAME her for it.
 Controlling by body language
 Verbal abuser uses body language to control his partner,
just as he uses words.
 Words and gestures often go together
 This can be seen as using HIMSELF to control his partner.
 The following are some of the hurtful and intimidating
ways of controlling that are forms of withholding and
abusive anger.
▪ Sulking, stomping out, refusing to talk, walking away, refusing to
give her something, hitting or kicking something, refusing to make
eye contact, driving recklessly, boredom- crossed armed, eyes
closed, head down, deep sighs, withdrawing or withholding
affection, showing disgust, rolled eyes, deep sighs, inappropriate
sounds, strutting and posturing
 Controlling by defining her reality
 This form of control is very oppressive
 When he TELLS his partner what reality is, he is
playing god
 He is discounting the partners experience by defining
‘THE TRUTH’ (his version of truth) which is in fact a
LIE.
▪ That’s not what you said or that’s not what I said or that’s not
what you/I did or that’s not what happened, that’s not what
you saw or that’s not what you felt or that’s not why you did it
or I know you better than you know yourself.
▪ The constant devaluing of partners thoughts, experiences or
opinions while trying to replace it with his own
 Controlling by making her responsible
 By telling his partner that she is responsible for his
behavior, this verbal abuser attempts to avoid all
responsibility for his own behavior
 Avoids accountability by BLAMING
▪ I did it because you…
▪ You didn’t remind me.
▪ You just don’t want to see what I do…
▪ Just show me how…
▪ Set a good example
 Controlling by assigning status
 Putting her down, especially on what she does best (eg.
Cooking)
 Putting her up, praising her for trivial things rather than the big
things she does, which demean her talents, time and energy,
while implying she is only suited to do trivial or demeaning
tasks.
 This category include statements such as
▪ That’s right
▪ You’re a woman… (often said with disgust)
▪ What makes you think you can do that?
▪ I'm the leader, the boss
▪ Your not THAT stupid
▪ Just THINK about it
▪ ITS THAT SIMPLE
 Controlling by diminishing partner
 Belittling
 Laughing at or smirking
 Offensive jokes
 Mimicking your partner
 Patronizing
 Scornful, disdainful, contemptuous tone of voice
 Ignoring
 Avoiding eye contact and turning away
 Expecting partner to talk while abuser is watching TV, playing a game etc…
 Words like “So, so what, that means NOTHING to me or whatever”
 Bafflegabbing – talking in ways that are meant to mislead or baffle your partner and others
 Insulting your partner
 Making inappropriate noises
 Making inappropriate facial expressions, rolling eyes, deep sighs or turning away
 Starting a sentence with “forget it”
 Accusing her of being “controlling” or “having to have the last word”
 Domestic violence includes behaviors such as
sexual abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse,
and economic abuse as well as but not limited
to physical abuse.
 Physical abuse such as pushing, shoving,
slapping, hitting is a certain type of domestic
violence
 Power and Control are at the center of
domestic violence
 Remember it is your spouses issue when they
can not be satisfied!
 Do your best, but watch out for the never
ending expectation hole that some spouses
create in relationships, as you will never
measure up.
 Rejecting
 Telling a person they are unwanted
 Telling a person to leave
 Name calling
 Telling a person they are worthless
 Making a person the scapegoat, telling them they are responsible for everything
 Ignoring
 Does not show attachment
 Does not show nurturance
 Does not show or express affection
 Physically there but emotionally unavailable
 Does not recognize the other persons presence
 Uses the “silent treatment”
 Terrorizing
 Singling out a person to criticize and punish
 Ridiculing for showing or expressing normal emotions
 Having expectations far beyond his normal capabilities
 Threatening person with death, mutilation or abandonment
 Isolation
 Not allowing person to interact with another
 Restricting person to a room
 Restricting eating to isolation or seclusion
 Restrict and/or monitor phone calls
 Corrupting
 Allowing minors to use drugs or alcohol
 Forcing others to watch pornographic material or sex acts
 Forcing or coercing someone to participate in or witness criminal activities or sex acts
 Forcing someone to witness cruelty to animals
 Being resentful, greedy, jealous, covetous
 Being selfish and withholds help
 Incurs excessive debt
 Is condescending with spouse
 Is discourteous, rude, crude, disrespectful, indecent,
improper, and irreverent toward others
 Seeks the praise of men
 Is easily angered and often hostile
 Swears, has a bad temper
 Flirts with others than spouse
 Is always complaining, murmuring…
 Such behaviors are never appropriate, especially in a
marriage.
 Yelled at
 Called names
 Nagged at
 Called racial slurs
 Called stupid
 Told no one else would want you
 Talked to as if you were a child
 Constant put downs
 Ridiculed appearance
 Threatened violence or to kill
 Threaten to take the children
 Belittled important things that she accomplished
 Told she was/is stupid, ugly and/or dumb
 Told you are an unfit mother
 Embarrassed you in public
 Told the children she was disgusting
 Told you were/are a bad sex partner
 Always screams or yells or is mean to children