Bartista

By
Alexander (JOLEAF) Jolliffe
PIGEON FLIGHT (OPENING)
SPECIAL EFFECTS SHOT?
A pigeon flies into shot and meanders it’s way into a large
city revealing buildings as it goes.
(opening credits appear in
clouds)
It flies past a local independent coffee shop and eventually
ends up facing the Barista corporate coffee shop.

CUT TO INSIDE OF BARISTA STORE

A customer (portrayed as a stickman) is enjoying a latte and
a paper by the window. BANG A pigeon fly’s into the window.
The man sprays out his coffee.

CUT TO TIM BEHIND THE BAR.

TIM
*giggle*
CAROL
Whats so funny?
TIM
Nothing...

TITLE SHOT (WITH TIM AND ESSPRESSO MACHINE)

TIM MEETS ALICE

CUT SHOT OF A CUSTOMER DRINKING

CAROL
Next call.
TIM
Next call...
CAROL
Piccolo latte.
TIM
Small latte.
Sequence of Tim making a latte. Sensually animated. Bit like
an M&S advert.
(rushed!)

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.

CAROL
Next call grande mocha

TIM
Next call grande mocha
CAROL
Next call gigante cappuccino

TIM
Gigante cappuccino...
PACE SLOWS DOWN AS TIM LOVINGLY MAKES A CAPPUCINO.
CAROL
Next call, piccolo latte and
another piccolo latte.
Tim starts lovingly making a latte
TIM
Why not just say two small lattes?
(line said while he is
beautifully finishing off the
latte art)
The second latte is ready to pour.

CAROL
Because we don’t do small and god
can you hurry up! Ughhh.

She snatches the shot for the drink and sloppily pours the
steamed milk with a dollop of foam landing on top.
Tim hands out the two same drinks of different quality to
two separate stick man customers that are standing together.
The one with the shit latte lingers with a sobbing face. He
looks at his latte again then walks away.
Tim is making a drink
FOCUS ON TIM

ALICE
Hi, can I get a small latte and
maybe (picks up biscuits and
wiggles them) these ginger
biscuits?

TIMS POV
Tim glances over at Alice on first glance he sees a stick
man like the rest of the customers.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.

CAROL
Yes, would you like any cakes or
pastries with that?
Tim double takes

FOCUS ON ALICE FROM TIMS POV

ALICE FROM CAROLS POV
ALICE
Um, I got my biscuits thanks.
CUT TO TIM HANDING OVER THE DRINK
TIM
Umm a small latte?

CLOSE UP: ALICE FROM TIMS POV

ALICE
Yeh cheers.

Alice gives a huge cute smile, Tim goes red.

RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPMENT
Alice places her latte on the table and sits down. She puts
her hand into her bag and pulls out "Ghost World" by Daniel
Cowls, opens it up, and starts reading.
LONG SHOT OF ALICE FROM TIMS POV THAT TURNS IN TO A WIDE
SCREEN SHOT AS IT’S HELD.

TIM
(internal monologue)
I’m in awe. She is... she’s just...
Tim smiles, closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath in. Tim
enters a day dream.

The colour palette turns to a sepia; Tim is on beach. He

turns his head. Alice is running towards him in slow motion.
He starts running towards her in slow motion.

(Spoof the potter’s wheel scene from Ghost)

The chords of unchained melody play. (Sound like old record
player). A close up of Alice looking down. Cut to what she’s
looking at; she’s slowing pouring a latte (same framing as
the potters wheel shots). Tim’s hands run along hers and
intertwine. Cuts to a shot of Tim sitting behind Alice. Tim

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.

goes to kiss her, and just before they kiss cut to out of
space!
Unchained melody is stopped by the sound of a laser gun.
Alice and Tim are back to back in awesome 1950’s sci-fi
style space suits fighting big headed green aliens. (With
music similar to the sound track of "Flash Gordon"). They
defeat all the aliens and embrace. They go to kiss but their
helmets prevent them.
Tim snaps out of the dream.

The music stops only cafe foley is heard.

MEDIUM CLOSE UP: ALICE
Alice looks up and giggles.

MEDIUM CLOSE UP: TIM

Tim dorkishly smiles back, realises something’s up, and
looks down to discover the milk has over steamed and is
gushing all over his apron.

TIM
(internal monologue)
Fuck, play it cool.
CUT BACK TO ALICE

She sees, giggles, smiles at him and carries on reading.

CUT BACK TO TIM
Tim is transfixed by Alice whilst making a drink very
effortlessly.
He hands out a latte with a heart drawn in the foam. A manly
stick man receives it and raises his eyebrow.
TIM
(internal monologue)
OK I have to talk to her, be a man
Tim. (Whisper) You are the man.
I’m just going to the loo. (said to
Carol)
Leaves the bar and begins to walk over. He arrives at her
table.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.

SMASH SMASH SMASH. The sound of a clean batch of mugs being

dropped. A chill goes down Tim’s spine. Three sets of mugs
smash with comic timing every time just before he opens his
mouth.
TIM
Huff.
Tim gives an indication to Alice that he’ll be a sec using
his index finger. Alice smiles and watches him walk away.
Tim walk behind the bar and disappears under it. The blurred
figure of Alice walks past in the foreground of shot. Tim’s
head pops up and catches her leaving. He has a sad face.

ZOOM OUT TO REVEAL A NOTE LEFT ON THE TABLE.

(ALL IN ONE SHOT)
A hand picks up the note.
THE CAMERA FOLLOWS THE NOTE AS IT IS PICKED UP TO REVEAL
TIM’S FACE.
(STILL SAME SHOT)
FOCUS ON NOTE
The note reads: "Dear the cute barista man, I will be in the
Briar Rose at 9pm and you shall buy me a drink :)
Alice xx"

THE BUS

CLOSE UP: TIM, DRIVER

Tim steps on to the bus.

TIM
Single please...
Tim turns his head towards the rear of the bus.
TIM
Ohh fuck!
The bus is filled with all of his past lovers.
He begins walking to the rear of the bus; as he walks past
his exs’ labels pop up stating why they broke up.

"She cheated on him."

"He cheated on her."

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.

"She doesn’t like coffee."

"She’s still in love with him."

He sits down at the back of the bus.

The old flames crowd round him making him feel trapped.
Voice over is read over the top.

VOICE OVER
As Tim stared down the bus to see
every girl he’d ever kissed he
thought to himself, do I really
want all this again? The heart
ache, the pain, the stress? Well
frankly its just something he can’t
avoid, for somewhere in our DNA it
is written it’s just something we
can’t avoid...

The line "its just something we can’t avoid..." cues the

camera to zoom rapidly into Tim’s eye and down to the
microscopic level of DNA. A piece of DNA untwists it’s self.
The strands are replaced with letters and they read.
VOICE OVER
Fall in love and multiply.
The camera rapidly zooms out to the bus which is now empty,
apart from Tim, a chav, and a tramp. The sound of the bus
and grime playing off the chav’s phone. Tim cautiously
smiles, gets up and walks off the bus. Tim walks to the pub.

THE DATE
Tim enters the pub. Tim scans the room to see Alice sat on a
high seat reading "Chicken and Plumbs" by Majane Statrapi.
Tim walks over.
TIM
Hi? Alice?

ALICE
Hey. Aw you look nice out your
uniform.
Tim smiles.

TIM
Cheers, can I get you a...
Alice interrupts

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.

ALICE
Yes please, Archers and coke.
TIM
Is that even a drink?

ALICE
Ha, yes!
Tim fetches drinks.

CAMERA IN THE MIDDLE OF TIM AND ALICE AT TABLE LEVEL.

General conversation is heard (write silly dialog)
They drink

They chat
They drink
The table begins to fill with drinks.

TehY cHAt
They move to a club
Many drinks later....

ZOOM FROM TABLE IN CLUB THROUGH CROWDS OF STICK MEN ON TO

THE DANCE FLOOR
They are dancing on the the dance floor surrounded by stick
people.

Alice kiss’s him?

ALICE
Where you live?

TIM
Er Kingsheath?
Alice drags him off.
WES ANDERSON STYLE SHOT

They go down the club stairs, past a bouncer, through the

exit, onto the street, and into a taxi; Alice leans forward
and talks to the driver, then prompts Tim to tell him his
address. The taxi pulls away. The taxi journey is in double
time. They are kissing very eagerly. Taxi stops, Tim leans
forward to pay. Alice leads him out the taxi. She runs up to

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.

the door nearest to the taxi. Tim goes to his house next
door she runs back round. They go through the front door and
Alice starts to undress...
TIM’S HOUSE MATE
Hi?
Alice does her buttons back up. They run upstairs and jump
on to the bed fully clothed, kissing. She pulls off Tim’s
top. Alice catches something out the corner of her eye.

ALICE
Oh my god. Is that Spock!
TIM
Yeh. (Goes red)

ALICE
You are too cool!
Alice kisses Tim and jumps out of bed.
CAMERA IS PLACED BEHIND ALICE FACING TIM.

Alice begins to undress. She gets down to her tights and

bra. She pauses. Smiles at Tim and takes off her tights. She
takes of her bra and jumps into bed.
They carry on kissing. Tim turns off the light. The colours
change to blues and purples. Alice takes off Tim’s jeans,
which takes a bit of effort as they are skinny jeans. This
scene is sexy, no nipple or willies are shown, except for
one nipple slip. In extreme close ups. Alice opens Tim’s bed
side draw and pulls out a condom. A JLS condom. Camera
focuses on Mr Spock on the bed side table wobbling and
falling over while they have sex.

THE MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE.

Tim enters the room with two cups of tea and toast. He gives
her a cup.
ALICE
So you don’t just make coffee?

TIM
I’m a man of many talents.
Alice looks at a clock.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.

ALICE
Shit!
Tim looks at a clock.
TIM
What?
ALICE
WORK!

TIM
Oh fuck! I don’t wanna go work.
Alice jumps out of bed and starts throwing clothes on.
ALICE
But your job’s so fun!
TIM
Umm not really. Tricking customers
into thinking that spending an
extra quid on a coffee is somehow
helping the environment, or the
ambiance of a generic, off-the-peg,
coffee shop is some how enriching
their lives.
ALICE
Hey, I’m one of those customers...
TIM
When really all you’re doing is
lining the pockets of some fat cat
Americans. Coffee should support
the local economy rather than
America’s fat cat monopoly of an
economy!
ALICE
Well then stop being part of the
problem, be part of the solution!
TIM
I’m guna stop wasting my time
earning money for the super rich!
Stop charging obscene amounts for
what is frankly wank coffee! I’m
guna quit my...
Cut to the sound of milk being steamed.

"Three Months Later" written in futura/white on black.

 10.

THE NEW TIM?

Close up of Tim steaming milk.
ALICE
Hey dick head. (Whispered in Tim’s
ear.)
Alice kisses Tim on the cheek.
Could you make that cute old lady a
flat white.

A cute old lady who is not a stick man smiles.

TIM
Sure thang.

Tim makes a flat white.

TIM
Flat white? (he asks the old lady)
OLD LADY
Yes dear, thank you
The camera zooms out to reveal an arty coffee shop filled
with characters, rather than stick men.
The camera zooms out of the building to the shop front.

Then across the road to a pigeon. The pigeon takes off and
flies out of the city.
The credits roll.

The pigeon flies into clouds. A plane jet engine appears,

the pigeon flies into it. Its feathers are fired out over
text reading "THE END".
END