The Poison of

Self-Pity

b y W i l l i a m P. F a r l e y

Many people in India experience the
nightmare of slow, undetected poisoning. Water
from wells in rural areas contains trace amounts
of arsenic that is killing thousands. Since the
poison is colorless and tasteless, the villagers have
no way of detecting it. And since the arsenic
comes in such minute quantities, the negative
effects appear gradually over many years. The
symptoms follow a typical pattern.
The first outward manifestation is
melanosis, or dark spots, occurring on the
chest, back, limbs, and gums. In the more
advanced stage, wart-like skin eruptions
develop on the hands, feet, and torso,
which can lead to skin cancers. Continual
poisoning by arsenic results in the
enlargement of the liver, kidneys, and
spleen which often develop into malignant
tumors, lung, skin and bladder cancers, and
gangrene.1
At low concentration levels, it takes between
eight and fourteen years for the physical
symptoms to emerge. By then it is often too late.
Spiritual Poison
Spiritual poison works the same way. When
persistently indulged, it destroys the soul with
lethal toxins that, like arsenic, go undetected for
years. Such is the deadly sin of self-pity! Self-pity
_______________________________________________
*William Farley is Pastor, Grace Christian
Fellowship in Spokane, Washington.
seems so innocuous, so legitimate. It seems like a
normal reaction to disappointment or trouble.
But, as Richard Smith points out,
Self-pity can destroy you more quickly than
anything else and is to be resisted with every
fiber of your being. Yet you will be
constantly tempted. We are bombarded
with opportunities to feel sorry for
ourselves. Every day we are misunderstood,
overworked, underappreciated, and even
abused, and regularly ‘something unfair’ will
happen: we will become ill, miss a train. We
may even suspect a conspiracy: “somebody's
out to get me.”2
That somebody who is out to get me is myself
when I am consumed by self-pity. It comes in
many forms. Consider these examples.
• After twenty years of marriage, Betty’s
husband left her for a younger, more
beautiful woman. Betty became
depressed, morose, and self-obsessed.
Most significantly, she became bitter
toward God.
• Jack felt dejected. He had been married
to Joanne for thirty years. Their children
were finally raised, and he retired early to
enjoy the “golden years.” But those
retirement years did not prove to be
golden. His doctor discovered intestinal
cancer. He faced chemotherapy, sickness,
and no guarantee of recovery. He

16 The Journal of Biblical Counseling • Summer 2007

 withdrew from family and friends.
Brooding over his “bad luck,” he spiraled
deeper and deeper into the pit of self-pity.
• A truck ran a red light, crushing Fred’s
Honda Civic and breaking his back. The
accident put him out of work for three
months. He lived in chronic pain. “Why
me?” he angrily wondered. He envied
healthy people and became more and
more depressed.
Self-Pity
What is self-pity? How can we define it?
What does it look like?
The roots of self-pity are ‘pride-in-action’. It
is the propensity to feel sorry for yourself because
you are not getting what you think you deserve.
Self-pity assumes that you deserve good
treatment from God and other people. It assumes
this because it decrees that you are good, and you
are entitled to good.
Self-pity exposes self-centeredness. The
magnifying glass turns inward on you and your
problems. It has no energy for God, no interest in
the needs of others, no capacity for the outward
focus that signals spiritual health and true
happiness.
Self-pity is angry. “I can’t believe God (or
fate or bad luck) did this to me!” A garbage truck
runs over the neighbor’s cat, and the owner
shakes her fist at God. A teen track star dies in a
drowning accident, and his father withdraws into
the dark torment of self-pity. He refuses to discuss
the accident or his son. He resents Christians and
the God they worship. He walls off the world and
retreats into his personal hell.
Self-pity comes with the “I am a victim”
worldview. It fits nicely into the contemporary
mind-set. We are victims of tsunamis,
earthquakes, terrorist attacks, floods, stock
market crashes, or the rebellion of a twenty-
something child. The entitlement mentality, “you
owe me,” settles deep in the bones. Victimhood is
the trough in which self-pity eventually wallows.
Self-pity is a vacuum into which gratitude
cannot enter. In fact, self-pity and thanksgiving
cannot coexist. They are mutually exclusive.
Although thanksgiving is the antidote to this
poison, few bound by self-pity will take the foray
into expressing thanks for all the blessings they do
have. It is easier to remain in the status quo and
The Journal of Biblical Counseling • Summer 2007
verbalize the gloom and doom of life’s existence.
Ultimately, self-pity is self-worship, and that
is what makes it so deadly, so evil. At heart, self-
pity expresses the idolatry of “Me, Me, Me.” It
demands center stage. It seeks to be worshiped.
And it dethrones God.
Symptoms of Self-Pity
Although it is ugly and obvious to everyone
except the person sipping this poison, the sinner
himself has difficulty detecting it. Those snared in
self-pity are often completely unaware.
Thankfully, there are several symptoms to alert us
to its presence.
Depression
Depression is a first symptom of self-pity.
Some find perverse joy in the gloominess of
feeling sorry for themselves. Sometimes when
someone says, “I am depressed,” they are really
saying, “I’m feeling sorry for myself.” They say,
“I’m completely worn out when I get up, and I’m
worn out when I go to bed. I am tired all the time.
I don’t even have energy for normal everyday
activities.” But self-pity is the debilitating culprit,
not fatigue or lack of sleep. It feels so good to feel
so bad. There is a reason for their depression—
you can’t gain your “life” when you are gripping it
with all your strength (Matt. 16:25).
Envy and Jealousy
Self-pity has two other symptoms: envy and
jealousy. “I want what you have” is envy. It can
also express itself with resentment because “I
deserve what you have.” Jealousy is a close
cousin: “You might take what I have.” It is a sense
of threat that I might lose something I own—my
spouse, my job, or my bank account.
Cain envied Abel. He could have rejoiced
in his brother’s success, but Cain felt that he
deserved the good treatment that Abel was
getting. In his anger and depression, he plotted,
then killed his brother (Gen. 4:5-8).
Ahab wanted Naboth’s vineyard, but
Naboth would not sell it. Ahab went into his
house, vexed and sullen, because Naboth the
Jezreelite had said to him, “I will not give you the
inheritance of my fathers.” Ahab lay down on his
bed, turned his face away, and would eat no food
(1 Kings 21:4).
That is the textbook description of self-pity:
vexed, sullen, face-to-the-wall, not eating. Ahab
lusted for what Naboth had. He felt entitled to it,
17
but he could not have it. So he withdrew into pride. It was pride which turned angels into
self-pity. Jezebel manipulated Ahab’s sin, and it devils. They would be above others in
cost him his life. heaven—and therefore God cast them
Anger down to hell. Pride is a sin, which of all sins,
Anger gives voice to self-pity. “He or she is makes a person most like Satan. Pride is
an angry, envious person,” notes Jay Adams, Satan’s disease.
“bewailing bitterly the good deals others get in
Because its fundamental cause is sinful flesh,
contrast to what has been meted out to him or
Satan pushes and drives this sin. After Jesus
her.”3 “I want something (happiness, good
predicted His own suffering and death, Satan
treatment, Bob’s wife, more free time), but I can’t
spoke through Peter, “Far be it from You, Lord!
have it.” Anger erupts. It rains down its ugly
This shall never happen to You.”
debris on all those close by—family members,
Jesus could have said, “You’re right. This is
friends, and associates.
a raw deal. I can’t believe the Father is doing this
Bitterness
to Me. After all, I’m the sinless Son of God.” But
Bitterness is another symptom of self-pity.
Jesus did not say that. Instead,
God is the usual target. “If God was really good,
my spouse would not have left me. I would be He turned and said to Peter, “Get behind
married by now. I would have grace to overcome me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For
gluttony, smoking, gossip, and even ________.” Is you are not setting your mind on the things
anything more counterintuitive than bitterness of God, but on the things of man.” (Matt.
toward God? Think about it. He holds all the 16:22-23)
cards. He made you from nothing, and breathed
Self-pity is a flashing neon light that says, “Pride
life into your soul. He gave His Son for you. You
resides here.”
have no “rights.” All is a gift. You belong to your
Should I put self-pity to death because it is
Creator. Even if He were evil, resenting Him
ruining my life? No. Should I put it to death
would be utter folly. God has graciously permitted
because it robs God of His glory? Yes. That might
even the capacity to be bitter. “What is man that
get me thinking. But in order to cut deep, I must
you are mindful of Him?” (Ps. 8:4), should
see what I am doing against God. Self-pity
constantly reprimand us.
removes God from His rightful place on His
“Out of the abundance of the heart the
throne in my heart. God gives us grace to enable
mouth speaks” (Matt. 12:34). A heart saturated
us to glorify Him as God. Unless my motive is
in self-pity expresses itself through constant
fundamentally God-centered and God-
complaints, negative speech, critical speech, and
dependent, self-pity will still sit on my personal
malicious gossip. These are self-pity’s calling
throne. The root of self-pity will remain intact. Its
cards. So often the problems that surface in
roots and shoots will spread and entangle those
counseling sessions are due to the pride, self-
around me with painful results.
centeredness, and self-pity of the counselee.
Overcoming Self-Pity
Self-Pity De-Thrones God
I recently heard about a Vietnam vet who
Self-pity draws its life through a taproot
lost both legs to a land mine explosion. As he lay
embedded deep in pride. Self-pity says, “I
recovering in a veterans’ hospital, self-pity
deserve__________.” “I should not have to go
oppressed him. One day his nurse wheeled him
through _________.” Self-pity speaks
into an adjoining ward. There he saw a man with
aggressively. It reminds me that I haven’t received
severe burns to his face, another had lost all four
a fair shake in life. It says, “You deserve better.”4
limbs, others were completely paralyzed, and one
Thomas Brooks made the following comment on
had lost both sight and hearing. The contrast
the pride that fuels self-pity.
between his problems and theirs completely
Other sins strike at the word of God, the changed his perspective. He returned to his ward
people of God, and the creatures of God, filled with gratitude for how blessed he was to
but pride strikes directly at the very being of have his sight, hearing, and upper-body
God. He bears a special hatred against movement. And with artificial legs, he would
18 The Journal of Biblical Counseling • Summer 2007
even walk again.
In a similar way, the cross of Jesus wheels us
into an adjoining ward. It shows us what we
deserve. Jesus died as my substitute. He went to
the cross in my place. Therefore, the cross
proclaims this truth: I deserve crucifixion. I don’t
deserve good things from God. In fact, such is the
measure of my sin (in God’s eyes) that I deserve
to be slowly tortured to death.
Crucifixion was a barbaric form of capital
punishment. Since blood loss was minimal, death
came slowly, usually after two or three days.
Spasms tore the wounds against the hard nails.
Waves of excruciating5 pain surged through the
victim. Thirst was unbearable. The person being
crucified longed for a death that would not come.
It was a great mercy when he finally lapsed into
unconsciousness.
To the person wallowing in self-pity the
cross says, “You have it upside down and
backwards. Because of your sin, you don’t deserve
good. You deserve death by slow torture.
To see self-pity through the lens of Christ’s cross is to
receive both conviction and vast forgiveness.
Anything short of crucifixion is infinite grace
bestowed by a loving God on someone utterly
unworthy.” The cross not only removes just
punishment, it brings all joy.
The repentant thief spoke the truth to the
unrepentant criminal hanging with him:
“Don’t you fear God? We are punished
justly, for we are getting what our deeds
deserve. But this man has done nothing
wrong.”
Then he turned to Jesus and said, “Jesus,
remember me when You come into Your
kingdom.”
Jesus answered him, “I tell you the truth,
today you will be with Me in paradise.”
(Luke 23:41-43)
The agonizing work of the cross offers full
healing.
You are in Jesus, the Son of God, who for
the joy set before Him—God’s purpose!—
The Journal of Biblical Counseling • Summer 2007
endured the cross. So, rejoice! No matter how
bad your circumstances, you are getting better
than you deserve. And Jesus will give you the
very best.
The cross shows how God feels about sin,
including the sin of self-pity. The appropriate
punishment for self-pity, and the pride that fuels
it, is death. Those who indulge in this sin usually
don’t see it this way. They take “feeling sorry for
themselves” lightly. But, anyone who sees self-pity
through the lens of the cross will increasingly
detest this sin and flee it. The alternative to the
self-imposed misery of self-pity is God-given joy
and thankfulness.
Finally, the cross shows the way out to the
one trapped in self-pity. The only man who has a
right to pity is Jesus Himself. But He did not
indulge in this form of self-indulgence. Instead,
from the cross He worshiped God. “You are
enthroned on the praises of Israel” (Ps. 22:3). He
was too busy praying for His tormentors to feel
sorry for Himself. “Father, forgive them. For they
know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). Here is
the glorious Good News. When we believe, God
imputes Christ’s lack of self-pity, His gratitude
and thanksgiving, to you and me. Many people
stuck in the sin of self-pity do not know what they
are doing or how God sees it. To see self-pity
through the lens of Christ’s cross is to receive
both conviction and vast forgiveness.
Helping Betty, Jack, and Fred
How can a counselor apply the cross to men
and women like Betty, Jack, and Fred, who are
trapped in self-pity? Hear them out, then share
the truth of the cross with them. Betty’s betrayal,
Jack’s cancer, and Fred’s chronic pain are hard
sufferings. But Christ died in their place. He took
the punishment they deserve in order to give
them the reward that He deserves. But
remember, saying this once will not settle the
matter. You may need to wheel them many times
into the adjoining ward where the cross stands
tall.
19
 Often those trapped in self-pity cannot see
their sin or apply the message of the cross to
themselves. That is because the foundation of
self-pity is pride, and the nature of pride is
blindness. It follows that those bound by self-pity
will often be blind to both its presence and its
underlying cause.
Joe came to me for marital counseling. For
thirty minutes, he complained about his wife,
Mandy. “She does not listen to me. She does not
satisfy my sexual needs. She does not clean the
house adequately. She does not submit to my
leadership. She is demanding and
argumentative.”
In short, he described Mandy as a “high-
maintenance woman.” He was angry and
depressed. He displayed symptoms that exemplify
self-pity: depression, anger, and bitterness. But his
complaints seemed somewhat out of context. I
knew Mandy. She attended our church faithfully.
She was cheerful and amiable in public, and their
children were well-behaved. It was apparent that
He needs a fresh, penetrating view of the cross of Christ
and all that it says about God’s love and his own sin.
some of Joe’s complaints were valid. But it
seemed as though he exaggerated his problems.
Looking at his marriage through the lens of pride,
he could not see any of Mandy’s positive
contributions. He could not see and of Mandy’s
positive contributions to their marriage.
“You have described Mandy’s deficiencies
sincerely,” I finally said. “Tell me, what does she
do well? Where do you see God’s grace at work in
her life?”
“God’s grace? What does that have to do
with anything? Haven’t you heard me? She is
making me miserable. I deserve better than this.”
After a pause I said, “I want to help you, but
first God wants you to put on thanksgiving. You
should be grateful. The cross says that your
marriage should be much worse. It says that you
and Mandy both deserve crucifixion. Compared
to this, God has been gracious. Your wife loves
you. Your children are healthy. You have a good
job. And God has given you saving faith. You
should be jumping with joy. I know Mandy is not
20 The Journal of Biblical Counseling • Summer 2007
perfect, but in light of what you deserve, the glass
is not half empty. It is half full.”
“I deserve crucifixion?” Joe said. “That
means nothing to me. I don’t understand what
you mean.”
I repeated the explanation about Jesus’ gift
on the cross, and Joe said a second time, “The
phrase, ‘You deserve crucifixion’, where did you
get that? It is meaningless to me.”
I was thankful for Joe’s honesty. He spoke
for many other counselees whom we serve who
do not understand the gospel message. Never
assume that people understand it. Although Joe
had attended another evangelical church for
fifteen years and had listened to my preaching for
over a year, the concepts of what the cross tells us
about sin, and what we deserve for our sin, were
new to him.
Mandy has problems, that much is true. But
the first step in healing his marriage is not
changing Mandy. Joe needs to change his own
attitudes first. He needs grasp hold of the
gratitude that slays self-pity. He needs to see his
own sin and what it deserves. He needs a fresh,
penetrating view of the cross of Christ and all
that it says about God’s love and his own sin.
Counseling Homework
For counselees struggling with self-pity,
assignments such as the following may be helpful.
These assignments come at the problem from
many angles. They aim to help counselees build a
whole new way of looking at the world and at
their relation with God.
1. Assign biblical character studies on men and
women who suffered: Noah, Joseph, Moses,
Naomi, David, Jeremiah, and others. Point
out their faithfulness to God despite their
suffering. Read the psalms of David and
others and point out how, although they
start out with complaints, they end up with
praise for God and His faithfulness.
2. Assign chapters from the book of Job and
follow up with discussion. Job suffered
 through many trials, but he ultimately
acknowledged God’s plan for his life. (Job
42)
3. Read the passion narratives and study
Christ’s reaction to suffering. He suffered
unjustly. The only truly innocent man was
condemned and crucified by sinners for sins
He didn’t commit (Luke 23:39-43). The
only man who had a right to self-pity did not
have it. Instead, He praised God and
worshiped (Ps. 22:3). Passages such as 1
Peter 3:18-4:19 describe His suffering and
exhort us to imitate Him. These verses
should motivate thanksgiving from those
trapped in self-pity.
4. Study about propitiation together: our sin
deserves the wrath of God and alienation
from Him. But Christ paid the penalty. Read
Romans 3:21-26, Romans 5:1-11, and
Hebrews 10:19-24, and other related
passages.
5. Have your counselees read related articles
on biblical gratitude and thanksgiving.
Follow up to discuss what they have read
and how they have reacted to the reading.
6. Help your counselees focus on eternity. No
matter how great this life’s suffering, it is
short-term compared to the infinite, eternal
happiness that awaits those who persevere
in faith. Point your counselees to passages
like 2 Corinthians 4:16-5:5, Colossians 3:1-
4, and Psalm 90. Clothe them in an eternal
perspective, one that fires the imagination
with hope and gratitude.
Bathe all of these assignments in the knowledge
and reality of God’s amazing love, grace, and
mercy for the undeserving.
It is true that Joe’s marriage did not meet his
expectations. I could not guarantee that it ever
would. But I could call him to focus on Christ.
For the joy set before Him, Christ endured the
cross (Heb. 12:2). For Christ, even the empty
glass would one day overflow. At the end of His
life, he would receive His reward—eternity with
His Father.
Joe saw Mandy’s sin, but was utterly blind
to his own. In his eyes, Mandy did not give him
what he deserved. However, as he began to see
the message of the cross and to internalize the
reality of his sin, he began to see what he
The Journal of Biblical Counseling • Summer 2007
deserved. He acknowledged his gratefulness for
what Christ had done for him. Thanksgiving for
Mandy began to slowly trickle forth from him. As
he grew in humility, he began to see where God
was at work in Mandy’s life. As Joe noticed this,
Mandy responded. Their marriage slowly
improved. Joe is a different man today.
Self-pity is a trap that clamps shut and holds
fast. Release from this trap often takes time and
patience. Be prepared to graciously persevere
with those you counsel. Work until the trap
springs open, and your counselees find the liberty
that Christ earned for them through His death
and resurrection.
Conclusion
No matter how bad the circumstances, the
person who truly sees the cross of Jesus Christ will
overcome self-pity with joyful gratitude.
Because Paul understood the cross, he
would not yield to self-pity. Though bound in
stocks in a Philippian jail, he sang God’s praises
(Acts 16:25). Confined in a Roman prison, he
wrote to the church at Philippi,
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say,
Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known
to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be
anxious about anything, but in everything,
by prayer and supplication, with
thanksgiving, let your requests be made
known to God.
(Phil. 4:4-7)
New Testament scholar P. T. O’Brien notes, “Paul
mentions the subject of thanksgiving in his letters
more often, line for line, than any other
Hellenistic author, pagan or Christian.”6 Why?
Paul knew what he deserved. At the end of his
life, he wrote to Timothy, “Christ Jesus came into
the world to save sinners—of whom I am the
worst” (1 Tim. 1:15). He saw both himself and his
sins nailed to the cross. This revelation banished
all thoughts of self-pity.
Every circumstance in Paul’s life—beatings,
shipwrecks, hunger, betrayal, persecution,
imprisonment, sleeplessness, hard work, and
more—became an occasion for joyous
thanksgiving (2 Cor. 11:21-29). Do you see that?
Despite deplorable circumstances, Paul was
grateful. He knew what he deserved. He knew
what Christ had given for him. To the degree that
21

we see ourselves at the cross, self-pity will gain
little traction in our thought life.
Take God’s antidote—the work of Christ
on the cross—an inexpressible gift. Give God’s
gift to those you counsel. Don’t allow the poison
of self-pity to destroy your spiritual life. Help
others find deliverance from self-pity’s addiction.
Preach the gospel to yourself and others daily.
Meditate on the cross. Remember what we
deserve. See sin as God sees it, nailed to the cross.
Our slight, momentary afflictions—life’s most
painful trials and losses—cannot compare with
what we have been given, what cannot be taken
away. Gratitude will overflow. Joy will permeate
your heart. You will become more than a
conqueror of self-pity through Him who loves
you.
22 The Journal of Biblical Counseling • Summer 2007
_______________________________________________
1 Liz Mantell, “Millions in Bangladesh Face Slow Poisoning
from Arsenic-Contaminated Water,” World Socialist
website (wsws.org) December 2, 1998.
2 Richard Smith, “Self-Pity Will Destroy You,” BMJ.com,
June 26, 2004.
3 Jay Adams, “Self Pity,” Journal of Biblical Counseling, 9:4
(1989).
4 These comments are adapted from “Queries and
Controversies,” Alan D. Medinger, Journal of Biblical
Counseling, 16:2 (1998).
5 The word “excruciate” comes from the Latin root, crux,
or cross.
6 Martin and Reid, eds., Dictionary of Paul and His Letters
(Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity, 1993), 69.