Jewish Marriage Lasts Because It's Not Forever

By David E. Y. Sarna

Elizabeth Gilbert’ and Ann Patchett have written extensively about modern

marriage. A recent "conversion" between them brought into sharp relief for me the

contrast between Jewish ideas of marriage and what Patchett and Gilbert describe

(and which is presumably representative of what many think). They speak of

marriage as a “curious amalgam” of “a lifelong, unbreakable contract to God, sealed

by a priest” and “a bond of love, an expression of individualistic choice.”Gilbert also

notes that “Americans marry more – and sadly, divorce more – than anyone else in

the industrialized world,” and considers a modern marriage “as a car strangely

fashioned out of an old abandoned horse carriage, built upon the framework of a

mule cart.

Jewish marriage is quite different.

Not Forever

For starters, Jewish marriage is not presumed to be forever. Despite Jewish

marriages involving no undertakings of permanence (no “until death do us part”

vows), Jews exceed all other ethnic/racial and religious groups in being and staying

married (65 percent of Jews vs. 57 percent of non-Jews), even though most Jews

apparently marry at somewhat later ages than non-Jews do. Eighty-two percent of

Jews vs. 71 percent of non-Jews grew up in an intact family. With 21 percent ever

having been divorced, the divorce rate among Jews is lower than all other groups
except Asians (11 percent) and Catholics (20 percent) according to Dr. Tom W.

Smith (Jewish Distinctiveness In America: A Statistical Portrait). The divorce rate is

lower still among observant Jews. Judaism recognizes that marriage, like

everything worthwhile in life, requires dedication, effort and energy. But even when

two people are “meant for each other,” it is possible for them to ruin their

marriage. That is why Judaism allows for “no-fault” divorce.

Divorce Biblically Sanctioned

Divorce is Biblically sanctioned; (a sefer kritut, a bill of divorcement) is mentioned

in Deut 24:1-3) and serves as a writ of manumission that frees the women to

marry another man (except a cohen).- Judaism recognized the concept of "no-fault"

divorce thousands of years ago. It has always accepted divorce as a fact of life,

albeit an unfortunate one. Judaism generally maintains that it is better for a couple

to divorce than to remain together in a state of constant bitterness and strife.

While technically, the husband must issue the divorce, known as a get, to the

wife, and it must be given of his “free will,” the wife may sue in rabbinical court to

initiate the divorce, and the rabbinical court can order the husband to grant his wife

a divorce.

In the olden days, a recalcitrant husband who refuses the court's order to issue a

divorce could be flogged until he says, “I want to;” nowadays he may be subject to

moral suasion, ostracism, tort liability, and in Israel, to incarceration, until he

agrees to follow the Court’s order. There is even a possibility of a rabbinical court

annulling the marriage ab initio in some circumstances (called in Hebrew hafka’at

kiddushin). This is based on the principle, that the marriage contract is “kedat
moshe v’yirael,” sanctioned by Moshe and Israel. The Talmud rules (Ketubot 3),

that since the Rabbinic Courts must sanction the marriage, so too may they

invalidate it.

In fairness, it must be noted that the wheels of justice can sometimes turn

slowly, leading to a small number of women becoming agunot (anchored), i.e.,

prevented from remarrying because they cannot finalize a divorce.

Both Spouses Must Willingly Consent

From the days of the Biblical Isaac marrying Rebecca (Gen 24:57), in Judaism, both

husband and wife must willingly agree to the marriage.

Originally, a husband could arbitrarily divorce his wife without her consent, even

though he remained obligated to support her (according to most opinions, for at

least a year), or for longer, if the marriage contract so provides. However, about

1000 CE, Rabbi Gershom ben Judah, (c. 960 -1040) best known as Rabbeinu

Gershom, “the light of the diaspora” called a synod that among other decrees,

prohibited polygamy and required the consent of both parties to a divorce (it also

prohibited reading of private mail).

Property Rights Respected

A married woman retains ownership of any property she brought to the marriage,

but the husband has the right to manage the property during the term of the

marriage and to enjoy profits from the property in return for his obligation to

support her; in the event the marriage is dissolved, she takes her property back.
(An independently wealthy woman can refuse her husband’s support, and retain the

profits from her property).

Sexual Relations Expected

Regular sexual relations are expected between husband and wife. This obligation is

known as onah. A sustained refusal to have sexual relations constitutes valid

grounds for divorce.

Love Not Mentioned

Kabbalistically, marriage is understood to mean that the husband and wife are

merging together into a single soul, and a man is considered "incomplete" if he is

not married, as his soul is only one part of a larger whole that remains to be

unified. In Judaism, marriage is not solely, or even primarily, for the purpose of

procreation. Traditional sources recognize that companionship, love and intimacy

are the primary purposes of marriage, noting that woman was created because "it

is not good for man to be alone," (Gen. 2:18) rather than because she was

necessary for procreation.

Nevertheless, the Jewish marriage contract (ketubah ) itself, (which has existed in

essentially the same form at least for 2500 years - the oldest ones were found on

Egyptian Elephantine Island - is essentially a statement of undertakings; notably

absent is any mention of romance or love.

Why?

Love, in the Jewish tradition, is something that develops over time, from shared

intimacy, shared values, and shared aspirations. Therefore, it cannot be demanded,

promised or legislated. We read that “Isaac brought her [Rebeka] into his mother

Sarah's tent (Sarah was already deceased), and took Rebekah, and she became his

wife; and he loved her" (Gen 24:67). In that order. Unlike the popular ditty, “first

comes love, then comes marriage…” in traditional Judaism, first comes marriage,

then comes love.

As Sam Walton, founder of WalMart famously said, “expectations are the key to

everything.” Perhaps it is the different expectations from a Jewish marriage that

helps contribute to the high rate of marriage and low rate of divorce in the Jewish

community.

(Thanks to my Professor Jonathan D. Sarna and to Rabbi Steven Pruzansky for their

assistance)

David E. Y. Sarna is a writer, technology investor, and technologist.

His book, History of Greed: Financial Fraud From Tulip Mania to Bernie Madoff, will

be published by Wiley in September 2010. He blogs at David Bar Nahum.