Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011
Festival Season!
By Nathan J. Vorwerk
MINNEAPOLIS,MN■ When
you think February you
don't think massive snow
melt. Usually what you
think is, 'when the hell
does it start to warm up
around here?!'. Soon Bock
Fest and Ice Golf will be
here, two of the finest
reasons for an all day
bender. With all the snow
we had earlier this winter
combined with all the
warm days we've had
lately the weather could be
quite sloppy come Festing
time.
Man hitting golf ball
Although the warm
weather is always
welcomed, it could provide
a problem for those
participating in the Ice
Volume 2, Number 1
Golf festivities. If the lakes
are too slushy, the ball will
have a harder time
traveling farther distances
meaning time spent on the
lake could increase by at
least 30 percent. Now I
realize that longer lake
time also equals longer
drink on the lake time, but
with all the slush a person
could get pretty wet (or
drunk). Well at least the
warmer weather will make
it more comortable to stay
out on the lake longer.
The Bock
Now in regards to Bock
Fest, the warm weather
will make it much easier to
stand outside for 6 hours,
but again with the slushy
snow a person could get
pretty wet. Wet clothes can
make it very
uncomfortable if you are
outside for that long.
So whichever festival
you plan on attending this
year, just make sure you
are there in the full spirit of
the thing. Drink as heavily
as you can without
forgetting which bar you
stumbled into after the
outside portion of the event
is over. And don't forget to
drunk dial or drunk text
your friends. They love
that shit.■
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Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011
THIS IS TECHNOLOGY
By Alex Bissen
MINNEAPILS,MN■ A new
dawn in human evolution
is upon us. The way that
people look at the world
and interact with each
other has forever been
altered. First there was the
wheel, then there was the
telephone, and most
recently there was the
Internets. But now, at the
dawn of the 21st Century,
we are finally ready to
shed our humanity and run
with the Gods: we are
ready for the Faxernets.
What is the Faxernet?
The faxernet is a high-tech,
high-speed series of tubes
and fax machines. With
just 16 fax machines,
connected together and
working in harmony, you
too can make the world
your bitch. Goodbye
expensive and inferior
Internets, hello toner and
paper. New fax sites are
popping up every day, the
likes of which the world
has never seen:
wwf.FaxTube.fax/thanks,
Volume 2, Number 1
Faxernet
wwf.FaxBook.fax/thanks,
and one of my personal
favorites,
wwf.FaxFlix.fax/thanks.
The most recent steam
coming out of the Faxernet
insider community is that
Faxberry will be offering
fully-featured Faxernet-
capable handsets by 4th
Fiscal Quarter 2012. That's
right, Faxernet-capable
handsets, available to
faxernet savvy consumers
just like you and I. This is
not some futurist mumbo
jumbo like flying cars,
odorless roofies and the
fabled Upper-Lip-to-
Nipple Handlebar
Mustache: this is real
folks. Go ahead and hold
you're breath waiting,
because if you can hold
your breath until 4th Fiscal
Quarter 2012 then you're
going to exhale and inhale
again and probably have a
Faxernet-capable handset
courtesy of Faxberry.
I actually overheard the
following conversation in
the halls of VorLexCo HQ
the other day:
"What's that you've got
there, an Apple Macbook
Professional 2E laptop
computer, on the internets?
Hey, get with the times
there Abraham Lincoln!
What, did you ride your
dinosaur in to that Internet
Cafe too, where you can
sip on some magma? Sorry
buddy, but this is the 21st
Century. Maybe when
you're done playing catch
with Hellen Keller and
you're ready to join the rest
of the world you'll know
where to find us: at the
Faxernet Cafe."
Truer words have never
been spoken. Here at
VorLexCo we do things,
and this is technology.■
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Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011
Mac and chee
By Nathan J. Vorwerk
MINNEAPOLIS,MN■ Before
you make the mac and
chee, you must make sure
that all the proper
ingredients are 'in da
house'.
First and foremost there
must be the pasta of choice
available. If not, then the
whole thing is just
pointless. The type of pasta
I chose was elbow
macaroni. Other types you
could use are penne, shells,
bowtie, rigatoni,
wagonwheel or any other
type of pasta that is fairly
small. You should just
avoid any long pastas such
as spaghetti, angel hair,
linguini, fettuccini,
lasagna, etcetera.
Second make sure to
have the desired cheese
you want to put in the mac
and chee. The cheeses I
used were Velveeta,
parmesan, and gouda. You
can use any number of
Volume 2, Number 1
cheeses such as cheddar,
Colby, mozzarella, or any
other cheese that could be
melted down easily. Try to
stay away from some of
the harder cheeses unless
you want to grate it down
pretty finely. I prefer to
always use the Velveeta
every time because it
makes a good creamy base.
Third make sure to have
a good amount of butter or
margarine to put in there.
If you don't have any you
could use veggie or olive
oil, but it is recommended
to use butter or margarine.
I used margarine today, but
I like it with butter also.
Fourth you should have
milk or sour cream on
hand to help make it
creamier. I usually use
sour cream but have also
used milk, and both work
just fine.
Lastly, if you want to
add some sort of meat you
could use hamburger,
sausage, ham, chicken, or
turkey. Today I opted not
to add meat, but my
personal favorite is hot
Italian sausage. When
adding meat make sure to
cook the meat prior to
adding it to the mac and
chee.
These are all the things
you should need to make a
good hearty mac and chee.
I hope yours turns out as
well as mine usually does.
Note: To get the best
flavor, bake the mac and
chee once the noodles have
been cooked and the
cheese has been melted
and mixed together.■
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Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011
HATRICK
By Nathan J. Vorwerk
MINNEAPOLIS,MN■
What do you do when it's
national hockey day in
America? You go for the
hatrick. I'm not not talking
about goals, I'm talking
about shits. That's right,
three shits in one day is a
hatrick. Four shits is a
golden sombrero. And
five shits, well, five shits
in one day is a Tricky
Derek. That's right if you
can take five shits in one
day, you are honored by
one of the greatest men to
ever set ass on a toilet,
Derek "Deez Nutz"
Overson.
Although five shits is
quite impressive, you must
be very careful when
attempting to unleash this
type of fecal fivesome. If
you think it's easy to shit
five times in one day,
you're wrong. It can be
very taxing on the butthole
Volume 2, Number 1
and you must be careful.
Make sure you have plenty
of wet wipes (flushable)
close by so you can clean
the area. There could be a
lot of chafing and the
wipes will reduce the
chances of that happening
by nearly 80 percent.
Earning a Tricky Derek
is impressive, but so is a
hatrick and a golden
sombrero. Take pride in
the fact that you can take
three shits, four shits, or
even five shits in one day.
One thing you
definately want to avoid is
the shut out. It can be
uncomfortable, painful, or
even embarassing. So by
all means shit at least once
per day.■
MAYHEM AT THE
BREAD STORE
By Nathan J. Vorwerk
MINNEAPOLIS,MN■ In
South Minneapolis today
the Wonder Hostess bread
store was having a sale on
cottage white bread. Many
people were in attendance
and were very excited to
purchase bread at such a
great price.
It was so popular that a fist
fight broke out between a
91 year old woman and a
43 year old man because
the woman was in line and
the man was trying to cut.
The 91 year old woman is
fine but the 43 year old
man is in critical condition
at HCMC in downtown
Minneapolis.■
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Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011
MASKED MAN ROBBING GROCERY STORES
By Douglas D
Janningsworth
MINNEAPOLIS,MN■ A alarmed about" said an
crime spree has set forth
across Minneapolis in the
past week, but with the
crime being the theft of
cherry pie filling from
grocery stores. Six large
grocery stores in North
East Minneapolis have
each been hit by what
some are calling "The
masked cherry pie bandit".
Store employees and
witnesses say he burst into
the store wearing only an
orange mask to cover his
eyes and started yelling
"Everyone on the floor….
heyaheyaheyaheya" and
fired a shot into the air. He
then said "ohhhh
maaaannnn" and ran down
the isle of pie filling.
"He kinda reminded me
of an evil Santa" said Craig
Phillips, a store employee.
"He was kind of laughing
or cackling in a way that
Volume 2, Number 1
Santa would if he was a
little demented… like a
really goofy but jolly
laugh."
Witnesses say he never
really pointed the gun at
anyone, just ran in and shot
into the air, and headed
immediately for the pie
section.
"All I could see of him
was that he had a really
orange beard and was
wearing an orange mask…
it was a really bad
costume" said Susanne
Cumsdumps, a store
frequenter. "He had food
all over the front of his
shirt and was really out of
breath" she added.
Police say that so far he
has only made off with
about $50 dollars worth of
pie filling.
"Its nothing to be too
officer at the scene. "We
are definitely going to
investigate… you still can't
steal things, even if it’s just
pie filling".
There has now been an
officer posted at various
grocery stores in the
Minneapolis area. Police
say if you should
encounter this masked
bandit to just hand over
any pie filling you have
and he will go away.
Anyone with leads should
contact the police
department.■
Police Sketch
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