Are You Really Worth It?

Kelly Winter

defining self-esteem at brown

upfront music sex booze
Wordplay Slonk Donkerson Crushless Lust A Bottle of Rum
2 upfront
FROM THE EDITORS CONTENTS
Ah, March. We meet again. In like a lion, out like a lamb, and
certainly on the mind in the Post- office tonight as one of our editors,
in protest of this most wretched of months, throws herself violently
03 upfront
across a couch and allows herself a momentary session curled up in GETTING PUZZLED \\ emily spinner
fetal position. Damn you, March lion! It’s all your fault that we’re all POST- IT NOTES \\ post- staff
Editor-in-Chief ever so slightly twitchy on coffee, ever so massively behind on our
04 feature
Kate Doyle
school work, and ever so vehemently wishing that our summer job
Managing Editor of applications and winter coats would scamper off somewhere and die.
Features Painfully. We hate to be the bitter grumps in the room, but really— ARE YOU REALLY WORTH IT? \\ hazel pike
Amelia Stanton
if ever there were a month we’d happily cut from the year, by God
Managing Editor of
Arts & Culture
would this be it. Hands down. Oh, winter snowfall and wholesome 05 arts & culture
collegiate snowball fights, where have you gone? Oh, midterms and
Sam Knowles
rainfall, why won’t you just go away? And oh, springtime sunshine
WITH A NAME LIKE SLONK DONKERSON... \\ eric sun
Managing Editor of and frisbee on green, what the hell are you waiting for? In the words UNDER THE VULTURE’S WING \\ amelia stanton
Lifestyle of most of our professors these days: Get your damn act together and
Matthew Klebanoff

Features Editors
show up on time, won’t you? Because until then, we’re barely hanging
in there—and barely remembering to to stop and smell those roses.
06 arts & culture
Ana Alvarez It’d be one hell of a lot easier, after all, if they’d only just bloom. So UP CLOSER AND PERSONAL \\ emma johnson
Fred Milgrim this one’s for you, dear sweet darling springtime. Consider it a post- A LITTLE LESS GLEEFUL \\ sam karshenboym
Music Editor card penned just for you, from those who pine for your charms long-
distance: “Brown is great—wish you were here!”
Eric Sun

Theatre Editor
07 food & booze
Emma Johnson
None too patiently, ME JANE. YOU FOOD. \\ jane brendingler
GROG ON THE CHEAP \\tory elmore
Film Editor
Priyanka Chatterjee

Literary Editor
08 sex & etiquette
Jennie Young Carr CRUSHLESS LUST \\ mm
Lifestyle Editor THE NAKED, BONED UP RUN \\ lovecraft & dorian
Sakina Esufally EMILY POST- \\ emily post-

five
Layout Editors
Clara Beyer
Lucas Huh
NAKED PHOTO
POST-

Graphics Editor
weekend

Katerina Dalavurak

Copy Chiefs
Julia Kantor
Kathy Nguyen

Web Editors
Peter Drinan
Michael Enriquez

Columnists
Jane Brendlinger
Rémy Robert

1
Sexicon INTERFAITH
Lovecraft & Dorian DATING FORUM
Emily Post-
Macmillan 115
Copy Editors l Thurs. 8 pm
Kate Brennan
Jacob Combs

2
Christina McCausland BROWNBROKERS
Justine Palefsky MINIMUSICAL FESTIVAL
Kristina Petersen
Charles Pletcher The Underground
Emma Ramadan l Fri. 8 pm
Ash Sofman
BROWN SCIENCE PREP:
Staff Writers
Clayton Aldern
Gopika Krishna
3 SIGHTS AND SOUNDS
Salomon 001 l
Fri. 8 pm
Staff Illustrators

4
Katerina Dalavurak
FUSION DANCE COMPANY
Anish Gonchigar ANNUAL SHOW
Phil Lai Alumnae Hall l Brownbrokers presents the MiniMusical Festival, Friday and
Emily Oliveira
Fri. - Sat. Sunday at 8, Saturday at 9 and 11 in the Underground.
Shixie
Caroline Washburn

READ POST-
Kelly Winter

5
SASA’S ANNUAL
Ethan Zisson
CULTURE SHOW
Post- Magazine is pub-
Salomon 101 l
lished every Thursday
in the Brown Daily Sat. 7 pm

Thursdays in
Herald. It covers books,
theater, music, film,
food, art, and University
culture around College
Hill. Post- editors can

the Brown
be contacted at post.
magazine@gmail.
com. Letters are always
welcome, and can be
either e-mailed or sent

Daily Herald
to Post- Magazine, 195
Angell Street, Provi-
dence, RI 02906. We
claim the right to edit
letters for style, clarity,
and length.
 TOP TEN
Things Brown Students Should
Give Up for Lent
1 Pointing out instances of heteronormativity
2 7
Pitchfork. Gasp! For 40 days, no one will tell
you what music to like.
3 8
The fight for workers’ rights. Survival of
the fittest, am I right?
4 Spicy withs. Time to check out Jo’s
Lent-friendly fish fillets.
5 Reusable water bottles. F*ck the
environment.
featurette
Getting Puzzled
emily SPINNER
contributing writer
Scheming, witty, and extraordinarily
cunning, the Brown Puzzling Association
takes pride in producing weekly brain-
busting crossword puzzles. On Thursday
mornings, early risers arrive at the Rat-
ty with eager bellies and brains, ready
to delve into the Brown Daily Herald’s
crossword puzzle with pen and spoon in
hand. Beer guzzlers and bar hoppers be-
ware: these intricate crossword puzzles
have been known to produce an extra
punch to your already pounding head—
they are that good.
Once a week, members of the Puz-
zling Association break from their lives
as students and unite to form a team
where punny, lyrical, and wordy mad-
ness reigns. According to Joey Weissbrot
’11, “We are all very busy, so it’s great
to have an hour or so to challenge our
minds in a more recreational way.” Pri-
or to sitting down with members of the
club, I deemed it necessary to try to fin-
ish a puzzle. Like the majority of rookie
crossword puzzlers, I aimlessly filled in
empty squares with nonsensical answers,
convinced of an editor’s error when one
of my absurd responses did not have the
correct number of letters. Frustrated, I
wanted to rip the puzzle into pieces. It
just didn’t make sense! However, when
I got the chance to talk to the members
of the puzzling club, they explained to
me that puzzles, in fact, do make a lot of
sense. I was just missing a vital (and ob-
vious) clue—the theme.
Whether it’s the titles of Russian
novels, hairy animals, or Disney Chan-
nel Original Movies, a crossword puzzle
cannot be conceived without a stimu-
lating theme. For sophomore Aimee
Lucido, “inspiration can be derived
from everyday conversations between
friends.” From the insanity that ensues
when Charlie Sheen is actually awake,
to Mark Zuckerberg’s awkward stint on
Saturday Night Live, the theme is the
first step in creating a challenging puz-
zle. Upon passing the first test in Puzzles
101, the creator must defeat the second
obstacle, which is thinking of unique,
anomalous words to place in the square
grid. A word to the wise: the schem-
6 Their dreams.
I f*cking love cocaine!!! (But only if
Post- will give up saying “I f*cking love
cocaine!!!”)
Interest in Rhode Island politics and
public education. Come on-- it’s just
Rhode Island.
9 Discussing the complexities of sexuality.
Resort instead to gender binaries.
10 Jesus.
it’s all about the wordplay
ing masterminds do not employ pre-
ferred e’s, t’s and o’s—they are seeking
unique words with j’s, q’s, and wicked
z’s. After filling the square grid with
outlandish idioms and blackening the
unused squares, the puzzle architects
are rewarded with mischievous fun:
writing the clues. With cheeky riddles
and hints composed, the process is fi-
nally complete, and their collaborative
Emily Oliviera
effort is ready for BDH prime time.
The Puzzling Association’s passion
for letters and clues exceeds that of
any group that dabbles in wordplay. In
fact, two of the club’s members have
interned for Will Shortz, a renowned
crossword puzzle editor for The New
York Times and the Puzzle Master
for NPR. According to Natan Last
’12, working for Will Shortz was “like
sleeping over with the Puzzle Master.”
Anagrams, crosswords, and double
entendres are oxygen to this genius,
a devotion to puzzles tantamount to
Newton’s commitment to physics.
Upon crossing the threshold into his
house, the guests immediately see a
wooden case filled to the brim with
ancient puzzles, a taste of Shortz’s ob-
vious obsession. In fact, not only does
Shortz stuff every drawer with stacks
of puzzles, but he also has the largest
puzzle library in the world, a Disney-
land for game-loving adults. Despite
his celebrity status in publication,
the savvy wordsmith works out of his
home office, which is why he took ad-
vantage of having eager interns. Both
Weissbrot and Last were treated with
the utmost respect and their input
was just as valid as the director of the
“Shortz Show” himself, with responsi-
bilities ranging from test solving the
NPR crosswords to editing and helping
him write clues. The word ace even re-
warded his interns by treating them to
dinner. Last recalls dining with Shortz
at a local Chinese food restaurant after
a day of work. As Last was on the verge
of snapping his fortune cookie to re-
trieve the fateful slip of paper, Shortz
stopped him, claiming they need to
play “Fortune Cookie Charades” and
guess each other’s fortunes in order to
be rewarded with the sugary dessert.
For Will Shortz, everything is a game.
After a summer working for a pres-
tigious leader at The New York Times,
Weissbrot and Last returned to Brown
University to resume their roles as
contributing writers at The Brown
Daily Herald. Though it is a signifi-
cant step down in the pyramid of the
publication world, they were glad to
regain complete control over their
own Thursday crossword puzzles. As
Weissbrot explains, “it’s fun to create
things that appeal to a small niche of
people,” making the return to puzzle
creation at Brown a rewarding and
personalized treat.
I encourage you to brave the body-
chilling trek to the Ratty on Thursday
morning to get your chapped fingers
around a The Brown Daily Herald.
The Puzzling Association’s weekly
product will warm up your brain for
a laborious day in the fluorescently lit
labs of Barus and Holley.
upfront
THURSDAY, MARCH 10, 2011 3
what we’re doing
this week
MUSIC is
is listening to Lupe Fiasco’s
newest album Lasers on loop.
The King of Cool iz back,
b*tchez.
BOOKS is
is snacking on Blood, Bones
& Butter—a meaty, no-holds-
barred memoir by iconoclast
chef Gabrielle Hamilton.
FILM is
is building a study playlist out
of film scores. Because with
Trent Reznor, Dario Marianel-
li, Philip Glass, and Alexandre
Desplat in your ears, inspira-
tion just isn’t an issue.
TV is
is noting that The Good Wife
makes the the prospect of
law school considerably
brighter. Hahvahd here we
come!
THEATRE is
is building a career as a solo
performance artist like Rinde
Eckert. No auditions from
which to be rejected, no
other actors’ egos to massage,
and a permanent spotlight
guaranteed. Sweet!
FOOD is
is urging the Brown com-
munity to make a Lenten
pilgrimage to Trader Joe’s to
experience chocolate-cov-
ered sunflower seeds—temp-
tation in its tastiest form.
BOOZE is
is experimenting with Bellini
mix. Peach and bubbly pair-
ing recommended—tangy,
punchy and oh so refreshing.
Mimosas ain’t got nothing on
this.
4 feature
POST-
Are You Really Worth It?
hazel PIKE
contributing writer
American culture is saturated
with self-esteem messages. “Be-
cause you’re worth it,” L’Oreal’s
longtime catchphrase, conveys the
pervasive self-love mentality that
has reached far beyond the beauty
industry. It is undeniable that posi-
tive self-esteem has become a cul-
tural obsession. This is especially
the case in the United States where,
according to Brown Professor of Psy-
chology Joachim Krueger, between
two-thirds and three-fourths of in-
dividuals have high self-esteem.
The term self-esteem is meant to
describe how individuals evaluate
their own self-worth, but this defi-
nition is hazy at best. It is common
for the term to be mistakenly used
in the place of words such as “confi-
dence” or “happiness.”
Thus, pretty much everyone can
furnish his or her own definition of
what self-esteem entails, albeit im-
precisely. Educators seek to increase
it, brands capitalize on it, and medi-
cine warns against having too little
of it. There’s even a national organi-
zation dedicated to it (The National
Association for Self-Esteem). But
how much do we really know, or
frankly care, about self-esteem?
Some scholars would argue that
we care about it too much. A study
of undergraduates at the University
of Michigan that was published last
October asserted that American col-
lege students value boosts to their
self-esteem over activities such as
eating their favorite foods, having
sex, drinking alcohol, and spending
time with friends. These self-esteem
boosts are indicators of result-driven
productivity, such as earning good
grades or landing competitive in-
ternships. The findings of this study
suggest that students are prone to
behave in ways that will build their
self-esteem. It seems that college
students aren’t the hedonists they
are frequently made out to be.
Are Brown students—known for
balancing the pursuit of passions
with academics—inclined to sacri-
fice pleasure to increase their levels
of self-worth?
Representations of Self-Es-
teem at Brown
Associate Director of Psychologi-
cal Services Sherri Nelson describes
Brown students as “interested in
accomplishments” and as accom-
plished in a variety of areas. Even
though they may be result-focused,
they often find enjoyment in their
pursuits. “It’s in the process of mas-
tering tasks such as learning to play
the piano, or learning calculus, or
whatever it might be,” that students
develop self-esteem.
Max Clermont ’11 echoed this
opinion. “At a place like Brown where
defining self-esteem at brown
Shixie
you’re given a lot, they talk about how
you’re the architect of a lot of things
you engage in,” he said. “I think when
you’re in a place with that openness,
and you’re actively engaged … you
build your self-esteem.” Clermont
views Brown students as having high
self-esteem and lots of confidence.
For many students, the concept of
balance is more salient than that of
self-esteem. Isabelle Yisak ‘14 empha-
sized the importance of dividing time
between varied activities. Although
there is often a trade-off between
working hard and socializing, she
said, both are important. For Yisak
and Clermont, defining certain activi-
ties as either self-esteem building or
pleasurable seems irrelevant, as they
often fall into both categories.
Self-esteem is “another form of
saying that you’re confident. What
you’re portraying as a person will
be well accepted by whatever cohort
you’re a part of,” according to Antho-
ny Ureña ’12. At the same time, it’s
not an issue he views as a prevalent
concern.
The Myth of the Narcissistic
Youth
There is something questionable
about how the sensationalized indict-
ment of young people as egocentric
has made its way into popular con-
sciousness. The Narcissism Epidem-
ic: Living in the Age of Entitlement
(2009) by Jean M. Twenge and W.
Keith Campbell, for example, argues
that narcissism, or extremely high
self-esteem, is on the rise in the US.
Proponents of this stance perceive in-
flated self-esteem as a cause of socially
detrimental behavior. In other words
people with narcissistic inclinations
take advantage of others, or lash out
when threatened in order to preserve
their self-esteem.
This analysis doesn’t seem to hold
at Brown. None of the individuals in-
terviewed perceived narcissism as a
common quality among students. In
fact, none of those interviewed could
identify a single person they would
consider a narcissist. Recent studies
confirm that narcissism is not nearly
as common in today’s youth as some
make it out to be. Rather than labeling
this generation as “Generation Me,”
one study published in Perspectives
on Psychological Science last year
concluded, “every generation is Gen-
eration Me.” It seems that a measured
amount of narcissism is the norm. Dif-
ferences do exist between age groups,
but they linked to developmental stag-
es.
Dr. Nelson also spoke of the rela-
tionship between self-esteem and age,
suggesting the possibility that self-
esteem in college is “more related to
issues of identity, decision-making,
and the directions one is going to go
in life.”
Many students would agree that
this is the time for them to focus on
themselves, but that this tendency is
not extreme enough to be considered
narcissistic. The emphasis placed on
simultaneous self-exploration and
community involvement at Brown re-
inforces this notion.
“I have been pleased with the peo-
ple that I’ve met here. I don’t think it
lives up to stereotypes of pretentious
attitudes,” Rachel Bisiewicz ’14 said
when asked whether narcissism was
a problem at Brown. “On the whole,
the people that I meet and interact
with are very grounded. I do feel that
they’re secure, but I think of that as
very different from being arrogant and
entitled.”
Professor Krueger is also skeptical
of attempts to show that narcissism
is a problem. “To call it an epidemic,
you’re using a medical term,” Krueger
pointed out. To pathologize the issue
and to conflate it with addiction are
perhaps a rhetorical attempt to gain
public attention.
At times, it could be that students
fall on the opposite end of the spec-
trum. Nam Pham ’13 noted that stu-
dents he has met suffer frequently from
self-esteem that is too low. “I think the
reason for that is the environment and
setting we are in,” Pham explained.
“In terms of our age right now, we are
at an age where the future is a huge
question mark. Not all of us are secure
[in our futures], even though we’re at
an Ivy League institution.”
Studies have found that the popu-
lar notion that increased self-esteem
corresponds with improved academic
performance is false. Nor does self-
esteem seem to indicate much about
how an individual is received by oth-
ers. A study in 1995 found that objec-
tive attractiveness had no link to self-
esteem. Another 1995 study found the
same result in respect to popularity.
Students were asked to list the most—
and least—liked of their peers, and
this ranking was compared to the self-
esteem scores of the individuals. No
correlation was found.
Considering this slew of findings
and the reality of how self-esteem
plays out at places like Brown, one
would hope that, down the road, self-
esteem issues will fade out from under
the public eye. The productivity/plea-
sure binary is a very simplistic view of
how students deal with their own self-
esteem. It’s probably time for us to get
over the media hype of self-esteem and
to contemplate how the focus on hav-
ing too much or too little self-esteem
may in fact cause us to overlook other
important aspects of our personali-
ties.
music
With A Name Like Slonk Donkerson
eric SUN
music editor
From “The Shire.”
Slonk Donkerson is a band consisting
of Parker Silzer ’12, Dylan VanDenHoeck
and Zack O’Brien. They grew up together
in a pristine slice of suburbia in NY called
Pound Ridge, but Dylan warmly refers to
it as “The Shire” because of its “lush and
calm” nature. The band recorded a short
EP Wyoma last year and just released
their first full-length, self-titled LP this
summer, both of which you can pick up
now free on their website. In addition,
they’ve recently played a few shows at lo-
cal all-purpose-artsy-space AS220 as well
as at similar venues in New York City.
While Slonk Donkerson officially
formed about a year ago, its roots run
much deeper. Parker, the guitarist, and
Dylan, the bassist and lead singer, have
been jamming together “for forever,” ac-
cording to Parker. Their previous musical
projects leaned more toward the “folky,
bearded, acoustic-guitar-strumming”
side of the rock spectrum before they
shaved off the facial hair and plugged in
their axes. They recruited Zack, an old
friend, to drum with them, and so Slonk
Donkerson was born.
An enormous turd.
…Or not. Parker and Dylan came up
with the silly yet harmonious moniker
“Slonk Donkerson” by “just sitting around
giggling and making up weird titles,” ac-
cording to Parker. Little did they know
that “slonk” according to Urban Diction-
ary.com can mean either: 1) “A very an-
it has to be...
noying person”; 2) “A sudden onset
of tiredness”; or 3) “An enormous
tird[sic] that clogs up the toilet,”
changing the band name into
anything from a nonsensical sur-
name to an ironic pun to a crass,
vulgar statement. Nevertheless,
the band prefers to consider the
name holistically. Parker believes
it fits them well. “That’s us,” he says.
“We’re earnest but we don’t take our-
selves too seriously.”
A team effort.
Parker is a Music concentrator
at Brown, Dylan studies painting at
Cooper Union and Zack is a Spanish
major at the University of Charles-
ton, making this project a long-dis-
tance affair—which Parker admits
“hasn’t been totally easy.” When
constructing songs, Parker and Dy-
lan shoulder the songwriting togeth-
er, carving out melodies and writing
lyrics. Zack lends a critical ear and
weighs in on many of the riffs and
technical aspects of the songs.
While they made their first
EP in Dylan’s basement,
they recorded their
self-titled LP in one
of Brown’s recording
studios with the help
of Technical Manager
James Moses, who
taught Parker in his
class MUSC1200: “The
THURSDAY, MARCH 10, 2011
Recording Studio as Composi-
tional Tool.” Parker described
the recording experience as “re-
ally smelly—not a lot of sleep—
but really fun.” Despite the dif-
ficulties posed by the distance
between them (they often need
to recruit outside drummers
to play during shows that Zack
cannot make), they still remain as
tight as ever. “I love them so much,”
Parker professed.
Grunge Rock.
Inspired by ’80’s alternative/
punk bands like The Replace-
ments, Hüsker Dü and Wip-
ers, Slonk Donkerson’s sound is
strongly reminiscent of that era of
coffee-stained wife beaters, shred-
ded denim, and shoulder-length,
unkempt hair—much like the mane
Dylan sports now. On their self-
titled LP, fuzzed out guitar, dark
bass lines, and Dylan’s at times mel-
ancholy, at times aggressive vocals
mesh into an unfamiliar, off-kilter
experience. “In It 4 the Chase”
evokes a dark, chaotic
ambiance while
“Dumb” features an
uptempo beat and
punchy shouts that
can easily pump
up a crowd. In an
increasingly clut-
tered music scene,
Ethan Zisson
arts & culture
5
Slonk Donkerson hopes to distinguish it-
self with solid songwriting and a “strong
conceptual backing” that wields this dark
punk aesthetic.
Anachronistic.
In scattered daydreams, the band
imagines their music being played in
1890’s Victorian England with “all these
teenage, Victorian child-people lounging
around,” while “running through the for-
est slashing things” with “a giant sword,”
or while “just getting drunk and going
out with your friends—just having a good
time.”
“The bee’s knees.”
Slonk Donkerson played their most
recent show at the Coalition of Brown
Bands’ showcase on February 26 in the
Underground. Parker described the
show as “really f*cking energetic,” saying
that “playing on campus and having 30
of your friends here, some of them sing-
ing along, some of them dancing crazy, I
mean like… that’s the bee’s knees.” Their
next local show will be Saturday, April 9
at AS220. Parker advises, “If you come
to our show, bring some good energy. If
[you] just want to like, f*cking dance be-
cause the music is loud and there’s high
energy, then that’s perfect.”
Slonk Donkerson will be playing April 9
at 9 PM at AS220, located at 95 Mathewson
St. $6 for admission. Check out the band’s
website at www.slonkdonkerson.com.

books
Anish Gonchigar

Under the Vulture’s Wing

amelia STANTON
managing editor
My boss slaps a four-hundred-fifty page manuscript
in front of me on my first day. I catch my iced coffee
before it slips through my hands, hoping my fear is not
apparent in my slightly drooping jaw.
“There are two main problems with this book,” she
explains. “I want you to identify them. Then I’ll know if
we’re on the same page.”
“Okay.” I nod, unsure if I am actually making a
sound. Dorothy is not in Kansas anymore.
This is Laura Taylor Literary Associates LLC*, a
literary agency housed in a West Village apartment
building, in the city widely known to be the publishing
capitol of the world.
It occurs to me that I signed up for this obscure form
of torture. In this office, reading is a race and coffee
runs through the agency’s veins. One rejected manu-
script could become a goldmine in the hands of another
agent. If an unpublished work has any hidden promise,
the agents, their assistants, and their assistants’ assis-
tants will discover this potential and develop it, or else.
Laura understood early on that once an author gains a
following, readers will kick their elderly mothers out of
the warpath for the “it” title du jour.
Even though the publishing industry’s glory days
are arguably behind us, book sales are still a major eco-
nomic force. According to the Association of American
Publishers, U.S. publishing houses raked in an esti-
mated $23.9 billion in 2009. This is evident in the food
that the office covers for lunch—Balthazar—and the ad-
ditional, rather hefty check I receive when Laura learns
that my birthday went uncelebrated.
A renowned representation firm that only works
with the best, like Michael Cunningham and the estate
of Zora Neale Hurston, Laura Taylor Literary Associates
requires that their interns read about a manuscript per
day while taking extensive notes for a reader’s report
the scavenge for literary brilliance
written upon finishing the text. This report—plot
synopsis, paragraph-length character descriptions,
page-by-page edits, and final recommendations—
is then passed along to one of the assistants, who
will decide if it is worthy to take up space on Laura’s
desk. In the midst of a conference call or an email
response to a Random House editor on one of her
three flat-screen monitors, Laura then skims the re-
port and either adds it to the slush pile or puts in a
quick call to the writer.
Congratulations, the vulture will now take you
under her wing.
I pore over my assigned manuscript so intensely
that my iced coffee is now not much more than wa-
ter. Taking a seat, I ask myself, What is the author
trying to accomplish here? Does she succeed? Well,
if this is a thriller, it doesn’t make the most sense to
reveal the identity of the murderer in chapter two.
I don’t believe it’s necessary to include painfully
dense descriptions of the killer’s siblings or his fa-
vorite grocery store.
At some point it dawns on me that, at 19 years
old, I am holding the product of years of work and
unbridled hope. Who am I to crush this author’s
dreams? Then again, there are people who should
not be writing books. Personal journals, maybe.
But definitely not works for a mass audience. Fire
was originally discovered to burn the pages of these
sadly ubiquitous manuscripts that use words like
“zesty” and “presumptuous” to describe white walls,
or that sport commas and periods outside of quota-
tion marks.
With all the confidence I can muster, I walk into
Laura’s office. Putting her watermelon salad aside,
she asks, “What are the two problems?”
“Well, I think—”
“Own your thoughts.
You don’t think, you
know.” She puts on her
glasses, perhaps to see me
quake.
“Okay. The two prob-
lems are complete lack
of intrigue and little to no
character development.”
“Bingo.” She reassess-
es her salad and decides to
finish it. “You can close the
door on your way out.”
After closing that door, I had a Laura-Linney-in-Love-
Actually moment of silent euphoria. If this is the lion’s den,
then I am now cub rather than prey. At her beck and call, I
will seek out “fennel, the best f*cking fennel in this entire
city” and fetch her favorite tea cup from her apartment. But
I will also soak it all in. I will learn how to produce the ob-
jects of all my studies—books.
I figure that, eventually, an undiscovered writer’s pride
and joy will land on my desk and really grab hold of me. I
will be so consumed by the plight of a character that I won’t
even realize that there are Magnolia cupcakes in the kitchen.
Might I never want to look at another book ever again after
all of this is over? Sure, but I am willing to take that risk. The
thrill of the discovery will be all the more salient when it oc-
curs after days spent reading material that would be more
functional as kindling. Even though I sometimes feel like a
blind hamster barely managing to maintain its grip on the
wheel, I remember that the manuscript I am about to read
could be the first great work by the next Toni Morrison.
So, when Laura called me this past week, did I think
twice before agreeing to come back this summer? Not even
for a second.
*Name has been changed to protect my ass.
6 arts & culture
POST-

theatre
Caroline Washburn

Up Closer and Personal

questions for sean patrick mcgowan
emma JOHNSON
theatre editor
Upon first meeting Sean Patrick McGowan Jr. ‘12
in the Blue Room last Thursday, I was immediately
struck by the general dreaminess of his appearance.
With a head covered in floppy dark-chocolate-colored
locks, the bone structure of all bone structures, and a
smile that could launch a thousand ladies into a state
of hypnotic disarray, McGowan could easily pass for
the love child of Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid
and Robert Downey Jr. as Sherlock Holmes. Unfor-
tunately for me, the very professional context of our
rendezvous prevented me from making any inappro-
priate advances in the nearest broom closet then and
there. I did, however, have the chance to get the juicy
down low on his experience directing Closer by Pat-
rick Marber, which opens at Production Workshop
this weekend. The play tells the intimate story of four
characters who find themselves caught up in a web of
love, lies, and lust, and features such spicy lines as “he
tastes like you, only sweeter” and “lying is the most
fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.” For
SPMcG’s own spicy lines on Closer, the male perspec-
tive, and everything in between, read on.
So … Why Closer?
As a high school senior, I had to write a paper about
how I would direct the play, and I got really excited.
Sexually?
No—but that’s an idea!
Plot aside, what’s Closer about?
Closer is about love, lust and everything in be-
tween. It’s about the undeniable—to experience Clos-
er is to experience something that shoots deep and
is very visceral. The play asks us how
willing we are to face the truth and
how honest we’re willing to be. It tells
us that the stories we tell ourselves
about love and life are fictions that
give credence to that deafness which
prevents us from really listening. The
play forces you to jump through the
absurd to a state where you are shown
yourself in intense, scary, emotionally
violent people.
Do you see yourself in any of the characters?
For me, it’s always harder to understand the female
perspective. But there are moments with the two male
characters when I say, “Yeah,” even though I’ve only
been around for 21 years.
When Patrick Marber wrote the play, he said
that he “knew that the writing in Closer was
best when [he] was most scared of it.” Does the
play scare you?
Yes, it scares me. In a way I’m always scared. I don’t
understand how to meet expectations. Expectation is
a fence of blindness to what is already happening. The
play is scary because I think it interrogates that which I
have a hard time interrogating: this vulnerability that is
being asked of me.
What makes you vulnerable?
Silence, and the feeling that I owe someone some-
thing. Closer deals with this feeling—of needing some-
one who doesn’t need you. There’s such an interesting
relationship between love and need. Should love be
need? I don’t know how to be dependent on someone.
That point when I will meet someone and feel that I’ve
been somehow incomplete until then—that’s scary.
I’m sure you’re sick of people asking you about
the film. But it’s kind of like a pink elephant in
the room, so I have to ask: How much did the
film influence you?
I watched it a few years ago. It’s beautiful. But I tried
not to create a piece in response to the film. I think
the play tells a different story. There are some differ-
ent scenes, but the main difference comes down to the
elements of live performance, the realities of space, the
realities of the younger actors. The play’s much fun-
nier than the film. I wanted to explore the notion of
pretending. How much are you willing to go along for a
ride, even when you can see explicitly that we’re taking
you for a ride? In our play, the actors never leave the
space. Everything is seen.
This interview has been condensed and edited.
Closer opens tomorrow night at PW. Tickets
are available at the door one hour before the
show.

film & tv
A Little Less Gleeful
sophomore slumping
sam KARSHENBOYM
contributing writer

Schuester’s hair isn’t as curly. Ra-
chel’s star isn’t nearly as bright. And Brit-
tany is, dare I say it, smarter? Along with
our 2013ers, Glee is hardcore sopho-
more slumping. Where are Sue’s slaying
one-liners? What’s with all the violence
and alcohol? In the 15 episodes of Sea-
son Two, has anything even happened?
Before our very eyes, Glee has morphed
into a self-indulgent, confused animal,
running in no clear direction. But with a
devoted audience of over 10 million and a
second Golden Globe win for Best Com-
Phil Lai
edy under its belt, Glee’s success seems the show would continue to make head-
to be immune to its declining quality. lines. Murphy could now have his pick of
Which begs the question: how long will the random celebrities scrambling for a
Gleeks hold on? guest spot. He debated which episodes
Glee’s first season worked because to theme. He used the show to expose
it was fun, and absurdly so. Audiences gay bullying. These creative decisions
soaked up this bizarre comedy-meets- produced a lot of flash but little plot—a
musical with a fresh cast, thoughtful plot, pretty essential element of any good tele-
and entertaining music. The show has vision show.
made stars out of Lea Michele and Chris This season’s lack of any continuous
Colfer, with the latter blazing a trail for storyline is striking. The characters have
confident gay teens on television. Jane become stereotypes, the plots recycled.
Lynch made history with her delusional Sam, Finn, Quinn, Santana, and Rachel
Sue Sylvester. Emma might as well have an orgy, since their
Pillsbury’s obsessive- constantly shuffling romances are be-
compulsive disorder and coming tiresome to follow. In light of his
Terri Schuester’s fake previous conquests, Puck’s recent inter-
pregnancy were equally est in the plus-sized Lauren Zizes seems
wacky. Alongside this random and unrealistic. And Blaine,
near-chaos, Glee show- presented as the gay role model for Kurt,
cased its sensitive side is suddenly questioning his sexuality.
in its exploration of The writers swiftly change situations,
family, friendship, and which prohibits character development.
romance. This combi- Themed episodes (re: Rocky Horror,
nation of absurdity and Britney Spears) have made a shambles
heart added layers to of any developing plot, so it’s no surprise
already compelling plot that this season does not have any dis-
arcs. The good ol’ days. cernible storyline, even by Episode 15.
Enter summer 2010. And while the first season was fun in a
Creator and executive provocative but family-friendly way, this
producer Ryan Mur- season’s attempts to push the envelope
phy, riding on the suc- undermine Glee’s self-appointed mis-
cess of Season One, had sion to set a positive example for youth.
carte blanche to take the Sue goes on violent rampages and physi-
show in any direction cally attacks students. The high school
he wanted. No matter characters—whom many teens (and even
what he chose to do, children) admire—engage in underage
drinking, not just at parties but even at
school. Glee needs to make up its mind:
either entertain older audiences with
teenage debauchery or highlight positive
role models for younger kids. It can’t do
both. This Tuesday’s episode featured
two characters thinking about making a
sex tape. Where’s the line?
In spite of this season’s disappoint-
ments, the fans are still watching, per-
haps because Glee is the only show of
its kind on television (at least for now).
Some may hold out hope that the show
will return to first-season quality. The
main reason Glee stands out from other
high school dramas—and the reason
most people say they continue to watch—
is the music, which I’m happy to say is
still great. The producers do a fabulous
job of selecting and revitalizing popular
modern music and even some classic
oldies. I must admit, I buy my fair share
of Glee singles from iTunes because, plot
or no plot, they’re super fun to jam to.
But will the music be enough to sustain
Glee in the absence of other redeeming
qualities?
Murphy announced that he plans
for the show to continue even after the
current cast members graduate from
McKinley High. With Gwyneth Paltrow
and others rushing for cameos, is there
an end in sight? If Glee is going to run
through the apocalypse, here’s my advice
to the producers: consider implementing
a story arc or two. And hold off on the sex
tapes.
 food & booze
THURSDAY, MARCH 10, 2011 7
Me Jane. You Food.
crunk cooking
jane BRENDINGLER
food columnist
“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal Penne with Pink Vodka Sauce
lobotomy.”—Dorothy Parker Sleek, sexy, and ever so simple. Anna and I were just fudging around, so feel free to modify our ratios. It makes a good
It has been my experience that everything, when mixed dinner-for-two, because licking your plate is pretty hot.
with just the right amount of alcohol, gets better. With a Ingredients: paste if you’re feeling sketchy—during the summertime,
splash (or a shot), family functions become bearable, that Penne try chopping up some legit tomatoes
Econ TA gets a lot hotter, and dancing like Usher in the Su- Olive oil ¼ cup vodka (I urge you, no Karkov. This is a meal. Have
per Bowl Halftime Show becomes oh so much easier. 3 cloves garlic, minced some respect.)
Food, I have discovered, is no exception to this rule. An ¼ cup chopped carrots A pinch of cayenne pepper, for a kick
1 cup heavy cream Salt, pepper to taste
infusion of liquor has the power to elevate any beverage or
1 can diced tomatoes, or some spoonfuls of tomato Parmesan cheese, for the adventurer
meal to the superb. Spike coffee with Jameson or hot cocoa
with peppermint schnapps. Simmer mushrooms in white Heat the olive oil in a saucepan, then sauté the garlic for about a minute or so. Add the carrots and toss them around
wine, poach Bosc pears in red. Alcohol lends the mundane for a couple of minutes. Tomatoes. Cream. Vodka. Salt, cayenne, and pepper to taste. Make the penne like the box says.
a kick and gives a newfound zeal to the ordinary. A single Plate. Cheese. Ahhhh.
scoop of vanilla ice cream invites so many possibilities—
with a drizzle of Baileys, a splash of brandy, a shot of rasp-
berry vodka, or a generous dose of Kahlua, Breyer’s will And if you’ve got any room left…
never be the same again.
You know you’ve got a problem when you’ve asked the Bananas Flambé with Brandied
question: “How can I incorporate booze into every meal?”
Rarely do I raise a glass before noon, but something seems Whipped Cream
so benign about pancakes soaked in rum sauce with mimo- This dessert is dangerous in so many ways—addictive, alcoholic, flammable.
sas at 11 a.m. I suppose I have a few symptoms of food alco-
holism, but please, do not attempt an intervention. This is Ingredients: For the whipped cream
an addiction I plan to feed, nurture, and quench. Bananas, sliced into quarters, halfways and longways 1 cup heavy cream (leftover from the vodka sauce, how
Last week in the Minden kitchen, my partner-in-crime Butter (the more, the better) convenient!)
Anna Tifft and I set out to create a dinner for drunks (or a ¼ cup brown sugar 3 tablespoons sugar
supper for the sloshed, if you will). Our menu: penne with Rum (just a splash, the smell of burnt hair doesn’t jive 2 tablespoons brandy
pink vodka sauce followed by bananas flambé with bran- with the bananas)
died whipped cream. (Some planning might have resulted Melt the butter in a saucepan, then add bananas and sugar. Simmer on medium heat for a few minutes. Mean-
in a more balanced meal—perhaps we would have started while, beat the heavy cream and sugar in a chilled bowl until thickened. Toss in the brandy and beat until soft
with a salad tossed in a tequila lime dressing.) We could peaks form. Now comes the fun part. Splash in the rum. Using a match (or a lighter, if you’re quick on the draw),
only call it a wild success. The sauce was light and creamy, IGNITE THE BANANAS! I like to turn the lights off and tilt the pan to better see the blue flame. It makes for a bit
with a delightful tang from the vodka. The bananas were of a show. Serve bananas and cream individually, or, if you like to revel in gluttony, heap the bananas on a plate,
the kind of dessert that gets you hot and bothered—warm, dump the whipped cream on top of them, and go at it. You won’t regret this decision. I’d recommend spoons for
doused in rum, bathed in butter, crowned with a brandy the delightfully gooey rum butter sauce—it will seriously frustrate you if it keeps slipping through the tines of
whipped cream. Pair this meal with a couple glasses of your fork.
wine, and see if you can stand at the end of it.

Grog on the Cheap

yo ho ho and a handle of rum
tory ELMORE
contributing writer

“Ahoy, mateys!” would be an ap-
propriate greeting to the sources of my
hangover on a typical Sunday morning.
It’s not unusual for me to wake up next
to my favorite sea-faring swashbucklers
staring back at me from behind their eye
patches: Captain Morgan, Sailor Jerry,
and Admiral Nelson. Though Cap’n Mo’
(as my roommate and I affectionately
call the 1.75L glass handle that’s become
a fixture on our “liquor shelf”) and I have
been friends for longer than I care to re-
count , the Sailor, Admiral and I first met
what I spent to avoid hypothermia on a of alcohol is much harder to mask. Though
cab ride up the hill from the train sta- calorie-counters might use diet soda to
tion.) prepare their Cap’n and Cokes, I recom-
So let’s do the math. A handle con- mend using the real, sugary stuff if you’re
tains about 60 ounces of liquor, the mixing it with Jerry. This rum is decided-
equivalent of 40 shots. Captain Morgan ly spicier than the Captain, and the Coke’s
is roughly one-third alcohol. By that rea- sugar adds balance. The label bears a bux-
soning, at $23 for a handle, I’m paying om brunette seductively lounging below
about $1.10 for every ounce of alcohol. the words “Sailor Beware”—I suggest you
For $20 a handle at 46% alcohol, Sailor heed her warning. If you must take shots,
Jerry costs 75 cents per ounce of alcohol. take a sip of Coke before as well as after. I
Rounding out the group, at $16 and 40%, promise, your taste buds will thank me.
the Admiral costs a mere 66 cents per And then there’s Admiral Nelson.
Lucas Huh

at Brown as I adjusted to dorm life — and
a dorm budget. Given the frequency with
which I enjoy the company of my pirate
friends, and bearing in mind the sorry
state of my bank account, I set out to
determine which rum will enable you to
enjoy the (fermented) fruit of your labor
most economically.
For some, the price difference may
be negligible—$23 for a handle of Cap-
tain, compared to $20 for Sailor, and $16
for Admiral—but for most of us, $7 is no
laughing matter. (Last week, $7 was just
over what it cost me to do my laundry,
just under the price of a late-night bur-
rito that saved me from Friday morn-
ing alcohol-induced misery, and exactly
ounce of alcohol, making it the cheapest
option by far.
Granted, money isn’t everything.
There’s something to be said for indulg-
ing your taste buds, even in an economic
downturn. Taking shots of Captain Mor-
gan is almost pleasant. Chased down
with a Coca-Cola, the sweet vanilla flavor
is far more noticeable than the alcoholic
tickle at the back of your throat. If you
prefer mixed drinks, a Cap’n Mo’ and
Coke on the rocks is reminiscent of a cold
Vanilla Coke, with a hint of caramel and
a sweet, just vaguely alcoholic aftertaste.
My preferred method of consumption?
Half-and-half shots—a phenomenon
that my roommate introduced me to,
which has facilitated many a legendary
night out in Brunonia. Pour equal parts
chilled rum and Coke (to be fair, I’m usu-
ally a bit more heavy-handed with the
rum) into your shot glass, and throw it
back. They go down so quickly, it’s easy
to keep ‘em coming.
Sailor Jerry is a bit trickier. If the Cap-
tain “tickles” as it goes down, the Sailor
creates more of a dull burn, and the taste
I admit, I was skeptical of the Admiral
when I found him sitting alone atop my
liquor shelf, soon after I returned from
winter break. The bottle was plastic and
the scent cloyingly sweet, yet nauseat-
ingly alcoholic. Despite my trepidation, I
found that this rum was mellower in the
mouth than the Sailor and gentler going
down. It had the distinct vanilla flavor I
associate with Mo’, but a little spicier—
too heavy to use for half-and-half shots,
but perfect for the Coke-shot-Coke rou-
tine. The Admiral turned out to be the
perfect date—a subtle buccaneer, not too
hands-on, and definitely most memo-
rable. The morning after, I woke up with
my boots on.
8 sex & etiquette
POST-
MM
sexpert
Crushless Lust: n. in the ab-
sence of potential partners or
identifiable objects of attraction, a
state of romantic apathy that often
manifests in sexual frustration and
general social lethargy
Jacques Lacan wrote this whole
spiel about desire in his aptly titled,
“The Signification of the Phallus,”
in which he waxes Jaggeresque on
the impossibility of getting what
we want. Lacan’s claim, supported
by his horny homeboys Freud and
Žižek, is that desire exists not in
relation to its object but rather to
its lack of object. It’s the margin
between a satisfied need and a de-
mand that is, by nature, unsatisfi-
able. In other words, desire is the
state of wanting to want something
gettable.
If you couldn’t guess, “The Signi-
fication of the Phallus” is not chock-
full of laser cannons or vampire
Emily
Post-
etiquette advice for the socially
awkward and their victims
Dear Emily,
So, I’ve got it bad for this girl—real
bad. And I feel like she’s feeling it, too.
We crack jokes together in the back of
our bio class. And she always laughs
at mine, even when they totally suck.
And she flips her hair all the time, and
it’s really shiny and really distracting—
and that’s something girls do when they
want to get a guy’s attention, right?
‘Cause it’s totally working. I got a 28%
on our last quiz because of that damn
hair. So, easy sitch, huh? Just grow a
pair and make a move. But here’s the
prob: I’m pretty sure she has a boy-
friend. I saw her walking with this guy
once and they may have been holding
hands ... but it was dark. I want to ask
her about it, but I don’t want to sound
like a tool and kill our joke-cracking se-
shes, you know?
- Hey hey you you, I want to be your
boyfriend
Dear Hey hey you you,
Ah, love. How terribly murky and
awkward its waters. Emily Post- under-
stands your hesitation to bring up the
suspected boyfriend, for it is devilishly
easy to appear the douche while just try-
ing to verify her relationship status. The
good news is that it is indeed quite likely
that she’s not in a relationship. Your
evidence, Sherlock, is shaky at best. The
bad news is that your evidence for her
interest in you falls just as short. Hair
flipping, my dear? If you’ve been read-
Crushless Lust
the signification of horniness
fanfic or any of the other things that
make for interesting reading. Aside
from its vom-inducing heteronorma-
tivity, though, it’s infinitely less me-
diocre if you replace the words “de-
sire” with “horniness,” “satisfaction”
with “f*ckability, ”and “object” with
“James Franco.” When put in the con-
text of college social life and my own
greedy libido, Lacan’s essay actually
makes sense.
Sometimes crushless lust, or ob-
jectless desire, shows up after we’ve
become disillusioned with a former
or potential partner. Ever pined after
someone for months, finally gotten to
know her or him (whether in the Blue
Room or the boudoir, via chit-chat or
a finger-bang, bundled-up or in the
nuddy-pants), and been incredibly
underwhelmed by your lack of chem-
istry? Very often, sub-orgasmic hook-
ups with sub-inspiring people can
make you pretty cynical about what
Brown has to offer your sexuality. Fur-
thermore, your erotic ennui might not
be preceded by any botched courtship
ing five-year-old Cosmos to understand
women, Emily Post- urges you to do
yourself and your dating life a favor and
cancel your subscription.
Alas, you find yourself in truly am-
biguous territory. The simplest solu-
tion, of course, is to ask if she’s seeing
anyone—but be warned that your ques-
tioning will almost certainly reveal your
interest in her. Instead, perhaps ask
her to spend time with you outside of
class—for coffee, studying, or maybe
even lunch. All of these activities are
perfectly friendly but can lead to a full-
fledged date. Her response will indicate
the way she sees your relationship, and
if she accepts, her behavior during your
outing should bring some clarity to your
troubled heart. At the very worst, she
already has a boyfriend, whom she’ll
likely mention shortly after you ask to
spend some one-on-one time together.
Before you attempt any of this,
though, Emily Post- would advise you
to visit a place that has provided guid-
ance to many a socially awkward soul:
Facebook. The social network created
to handle uncomfortable situations just
like yours. Even if this girl doesn’t list
her relationship status, remember that
a little creative stalking can go a long
way. So hop to it, Hey hey, and stalk
away. Emily Post- sincerely hopes that
all that hair flipping really meant some-
thing.
May your joke seshes go on and on,
Emily Post-
or less-than-awesome lay—your stan-
dards might just be too high for the
crowd you’re rolling with. If you go to
the Ratty with a lactose allergy and an
uncompromising aversion to steamed
vegetables, for instance, you’re prob-
ably going to be disappointed. While
pickiness helps ensure that you won’t
wake up next to the dude from your
MEME seminar who laughs every time
the professor cites Dick Hyman, it also
inexorably limits your options.
But just because you’re not mack-
ing on anyone at the moment doesn’t
mean your libido needs to go into hi-
bernation. It’s hard to reconcile ro-
mantic inertia with an animate sex
drive, or even just a benign desire for
a friendly bed-warmer. Uninformed
infatuation goes away a lot easier than
desire for emotional or physical inti-
macy. Your mind might be tellin’ you
no, but your body is tellin’ you, “Who
cares that he has a sophomoric sense
of humor and a general ignorance of
Moog music?” Instead of bedding the
Dick Hyman guy, buy yourself a nice,
the naked, boned up
run
Dear L&D,
I was considering doing the Na-
ked Donut Run this semester, be-
cause I think it’s all for a good cause.
My worry is that I may get ... visibly
excited at the sight of some of the li-
brary’s patrons. What’s the etiquette
here? Should I go for it, and, if my
fears are realized, just use my “pre-
dicament” as a donut holder?
Thanks,
Dick Understands Nothing, Keeps
Inflating ‘Nstead—DUNKIN’
Darlink DUNKIN’,
While the thought of a boner
poking through a donut sends me
into a fit of giggles (and reminds
me of the classic, ridiculous Cosmo
sex tip—to use a glazed donut as a
“surprising pleasure prop”), I think
your best bet here is to put your
erection-controlling techniques
to work. There are a lot of differ-
ent kinds of public nudity (creepy,
creepy-sexy, sexy, sneaky, casual,
completely nonsexual, funny, fun-
ny-creepy) and I think the Naked
Donut Run falls into the funny,
nonsexual category. Which means
it would be EXTREMELY UNCOM-
FORTABLE for everyone involved
if you were running around with a
boner. Besides, flaccid penises have
more comedic value and hilarious
medical-grade silicon toy marketed
for vaginal, anal, or penile stimula-
tion, and tell your roommate you’ve
met the partner of your dreams and
not to come home for at least 28
minutes (or whatever the length of
your favorite AltPorn viddy).
In general, my advice is to busy
yourself with the things that matter
to you, to invest in your friendships
and your classes and your paper-
on-the-psychoanalytic-theory-of-
Jacques-Lacan-turned-sex-column-
about-sexual-frustration. You’re not
the only one feeling disheartened
and romantically stagnant on cam-
pus, and the more distracted you
are from your thwarted desire for
intimacy, the sooner you’ll find the
partner who makes you feel incred-
ibly fulfilled (as much as is possible,
anyway, given the Phallus’s elusive
relationship with the role of logos
and the advent of desire—let’s be
real). The point is, it will happen—
and when it does, the wait will have
been all the more worth it.
flopping potential anyway.
xoxo
Lovecraft
Dear DUNKIN’,
While you may be worried about
popping wood when you see that
hot senior walk by, here are a few
things that you should remember: 1)
It is freaking COLD in the Sci-Li. 2)
People have been doing the Naked
Donut Run for years and I’m sure
that a boner story would have filtered
through the ages if it had happened.
You could become a legend just for
sporting wood. So if you want that
kind of notoriety (i.e., to be known as
the b*stard who handed out donuts
glazed in dick-sweat) then let your
stiffie rage on.
But, if you’re hoping to control
yourself, do what I do: just think of
Sigourney Weaver. If you happen to
be one of the few living males who
somehow finds her enticing, then just
think of a kitten chasing a ball—cute,
cuddly, and a total boner-kill. If these
strategies don’t work, just take a two-
second break in the stacks and start
reading Mycologia: A Treatise on
Fungi of the Mandarin Tree. If that
gives you a boner ... then welcome to
the club.
Your Friendly Ex-Pat Stag,
Dorian