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f The Sex! The Drugs!
.

The Awkward Prose!

.

e WALL STREET CROOKS:

I- PICKTHJERIBHTPRISON FURYOLI

THISPYMAPOF
REAGAN'S BODY
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GREAT EXPECTATIONS 5
v' NAKED CITY .,
,
p '

, South African divestitue and unsafe restauant.; Iitcraiy pcnis ency and a Chinese dragon; j

Shelley winte,s; pieu, disajt.,'r ,noz'ie and an ¡,iide ¡oo4 at what Wody Allen rca uy like.
is

own guidc to Loser Nightlfr and. ala, our "Dear Bob" leticis. (Gdbye, Mister Shaw,,.) iO
!. THESPYMAP -' I '
PIUL SL'IivsKYgive a guided tour of Rotiald l?caga: ,war-naked body 24
PARTY Poor 60 4,
,
ev..á--, NEw. IMPROVED NEW YORK
When the saints go marching in, the) ucc thc hjìh /l1/tultW pa-ade tunnel, by Divio DÎRcKS 64

- - . r. ff
Go DIRECTLY TO JAIL 'W'
.S% So 'Ot4 '?C going tO p?SiOfl? Plu ahead. K 'la /1xI)!Rsi-:4 tell5 you /30:1' to jizek i/u ?i&/21

cnhtcntiary j?» you. llus (;. GokIN LIIiV'c .

f t'i,'
on lifer life-cty/e. i 8
;..j#c ' -

: -:r "Après rnci. k déluge." IvaPi

THE WALL STREET SHUFFLE
!3ocsky night have aid, :1 hc :v'c Fe,z h.
considers, thc spectacle of ncvottc ill St,ecters scrambling to find ichite -collar lauye,s
1 ti, PRIEN!)

a ter Does JelL 22

Ì ..

TRUE STORIES: CELEBRITY BIOGRAPHIES-AT-A-GLANCE

i. THE COVER
Caric Fisher .V() OflC ¡valu ¡(J reati t/U.c' /)0043, but etc?yoP2c' ZVWZI.s fo ki,t' ¡1) t('/ZUt'j

/iIMJF MAí..ivoIK/ wadeti through volumes ofsaggy, .calacwt and ot/zcru'i.c

NJ by
'lly celebri:

Pojomos and prosc and distillcdpwc t'old, prcsentcd hcrc as an c'J3y-to-rcad/iildout cha,t. 26
slipper,; Encira. .
Feotherboo: THAT'S No LADYTHAT'S M WIFE! -

Jewelry: Kenneth Upctuirs. the :vijè oJthe Cawdian a,nbassador played I/ic pail oja c'/lal;ziflg and powerful 14'achingion how.is.
EIcnyrt:n. Dou'nstair.ç. her seìuanl., cowcrcd. Liz Emm' rcassesscs the social politics that made push OfliC to slap. 38
Makeup: Bonnie
Mailer. Hair:
r Pascol 8oissicr. The Duchess of Wzndcor was wrong. NELL ScovFI.L ca'sva.5ed i/ic low-cal, high -priced .

.*s -. set andJòund an appalling tribc ofcelebrated 5tavelingJ.. 42

t ', AGAINST ALL ODDS

;!/'a?iPfl<flt;. /it/'a,u/ and .iuccessful /<id.c. Eue;yo,zc ai I/ic' city ivailli the,ì. CuR/s STI?RN and
W,,.!. ¡)ANI explain why you ca?:'t have them. 46

ILJl%l
IP'' REVIEW OF REVIEWERS
1ICHELE BENNETT tu)p?( B?OIJdU'(Jl' slt14t/Z a:l £OIVCi ihc' ultimate whodunit. 48

REVIEW OF EDITORS
Cit.esrt; ¡i BRL\/ioi:j: ,ez/iewS the reviewers' bosses andJinds that it'i lonely (und 5enubterate,) at thc top
(Jirstoftu parts). 49

LUCSANT1 on dressing-to-stealfor the peijict Crame: Resident Alien flI'1'cF fRl/ING find.

New York in Tokyo; MiCHAEL. SoRt-aN on hornogenzcd bilking the Spielberg- Reagan
way, in ScIIing MoIR,-i Hoix;so1v on cooking and Eating ¡n the world's
largeit department store; OUR Si>IFFscoops the critics on upcoming Movies; A,y ENGFLLR
. .--- investigates squeakvclean entrails in Science and You; and Ei.,.is WlINER
on How to Be o Grown-up about dum/' /uperstttion. 50

i_ OUR UN-BRITISH CROSSWORD PUZZLE

ny ¡?()Y h'l.OUNijR. 62

SPY (ISSN 01190-3759) is published monthly. cxccp J.inury J1)(I July. by S1ry I'ubIthing I'aulbcrs, i hr I'iick Building, 295 Lafaveuc Sircc. Ncw York.
N.Y. IOOI2. 4.) 1987 by Spy I'uhlishing I'auncrs. I.t' Applicition to mail axond-dass x»ugc f.ites is pending it New York 3nd tddit,o,tiI miiItttg oftuccs.
Subscription rate in the U.S.. it .irnl (aruda: $25 . car. t'osTMisrER: &uìd addrv d*angts io SPY, N) Ilox 154, Farniingktk, N.Y. IIl7.9954.
JERRYSTYLE. 34 EAST FOURTH STREET, NEW YORK CITY 10003 212.982.5294
OXIDIZED COPPER COLUMN TORCHERE 600.00. CORlAN SCONCE 325.00. STANDARD PHAROAH LOUNGE 1200.00. 18 FOOT ROPE AND TASSELES 1200.00.
JEFF BROWN AND JERRY VAN DEELEN FOR JERRYSTYLE. WALL SCULPTURE: PATRICK KENNEDY. PHOTO KELLY CAMPBELL. MODEL: WHITNEY.
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THE I)EAL MEMO IS DUE BY MID-MARCH. AT
-
PRESS TIME OUR PEOPLE ON THE COAST WERE
,
STILL IN DISCUSSIONS WITH THEIR PEOPLE,
i i but the basic programming concept has already been focus-
u
grouped like crazy in the 12 major markets. It's a sort of
-t
;
u Wackiest Ship in the Army/Pee-wee Herman spin-off: Ronald
Reagan's Playhouse, early fringe, barter strip, comedy
C
adventure. And ifour people can work out the
.

p- -"1 details with their people, the shov will star the
of Gilliganc Mand: Bob Denver
PI F' '1 ..

- ., uI, .4, t
:-'
Colonel Oliver North, Jim Backus as George
Shultz. Alan Hale Ir. as CIA director William
Casey, Dawn ("Mary Ann") Wells as George Bush. License
fees from the ancillary markets -
alone (we're talking key-

memo shaped cakes, we're talking

nontalking Colonel 0111e ac- L
tion figures) should become
i.iii!i!ri

our principal profit center no

later than the third quarter of
this year. We're
very, very exci-
ted.Knowing
'
;T2 ;é

is due by you, we bet you

think the president has become intellectually
Iincontinent. You probably find it baffling that
the administration has been giving weapons to the ¡rani
government, weapons to people trying to overthrow the
¡rani government, accurate intelligence information to Iran
JIiCI Iraq and deliberately inaccurate intelligence information

m i to Iran and Iraq. Okay, sure, it does seem contradictory, even

mad. But as a former Reagan Rough Rider explained
recently, "You had to have been there." You had to haue been
there. It's a great excuse, a deliciously eighties excuse, and
we're very, very excited about it. 1 Nebraska's

M a 1i::::
11:111
Edward Zorinsky, one ofthe few United States
senators so politically goofy and so personally
unappealingsuch a dinkhead, moreover
. that strangers assume he's a state legislator (or
a liar) when he announces himself as Senator
Zorinsky, has just invented the perfect 1987 governmental
entity. Starting immediately, Zorinsky will be chairman of
the Senate Subcommittee on Terrorism, Narcotics and
L International Comtimuicationsin other words, a Sub-
. committee on the Fashionable. It took a special sort of sick
PR genius to conjure up a connection between those three
subjects and per- suade the Senate to
go along. In fact,
petitioning the 100th
--

?, _ we're envious. We're

Congress to establish
MARCH 1987 SPY S

NAT SHOE GESUNDHEIT
¿IHouse Subcomrniitec on Mesquiu ( ;riIIIIIg,
I nsi(Jer Trading, Surrogate MotherIxkI I1I(I
Tougher Educacional Standards.
A year from now we will be in the sweaty,
delirious throes of a presidential race. So: i
Jack Ke,iip homosexual? Where's the beef-
cake? ihat's hc rumor; we don't believe it,
wcrc ust reporting il, as the First Amend-
nient requires us to (Io. We'd rather report
only gooi news, hut for us American news-
IncH and women, it's a sacred trust. Anyway,
Kemp may possibly be aberrant hut he is un-
questionably (turni), and thus a sure loser in
1988. After two terms ni a cIoLtisI guy-next-
door. what we waiit now is an aberrant but
brainy candidate; Republicans can take their
1)iCk from among a smart religious nut (Pat
Robertson), a smart handicapped person (Bob
l)olc), a smart dwarf (Howard Baker) and a
smart twit (Pierre S. du Pont IV). And Alex-
an(lcr Haig. We're very, very cxcited.
Speaking of religious nuts (as we remain
cager to do always), is the evangelist Oral Rob-
cris dead yct Last March, God gave Roberts .. .._ß,.&
exactly ()flC year to raise $8 million. The year is jgu-'
now up. Roberts said that if he fell short of e' ?,,,%1Pt. '

.jp:r/I1.
that sum, he'd (lic. We knew about the wrath- . .. ¿,i,
.

ful God and we knew about the loving God,

but until now we were unaware ofthe aveng-
ing comptroller God.
ir' .

.tr#st'
...--- ,- ,

According to a poll commissioned by the t 4'-.'.

RJSVAUR4T
Anti-I)efamation League of B'nai B'rith, 30 to i_ FLORENT
50 perceiit oíwhitc American Protestants ad- NOW OPEN .:
mit to views such as "Jews arc more loyal to . .
24 HOURS
Israel than to the United States" and "Jews
want to remain different frotii other people .:.

and yet they arc touchy if people notice these

(liffcrences." And IS percent have yet to be
convinced that the Holocaust occurred.
Which is just the kind ot thing apt to make
Jews damned touchy. As the horrid John Car-
(lina1 O'Connor discovered when he went to
Israel and announced that the Holocaust was
"an enormous gill that Judaism has given the
world." A strangc notion, hut, well, we were
taught it's the thought that counts. (And we
CLOTHIERS 93 SPRING STREET 219-3005
lwt you (li(ln't even think to scn(l a thank-you
noteDear Jcu's: Thanki co muchfor your su-
per. super gft. Etìcy time «t' seek redemption.
u)r'I/ thin4 ofyou. ¡ku, Mc World.)
Rut the recent news hasn't been all bad for
the Chosen People. The first Jewish Miss

f-I America has just become the first Jewish cul-

turaI affairs commissioner to (a) have an hai-
ian-American tax evader in the construction
industry for a boyfriend and (b) take the Fifth.
Kudos, lkss. Stanley Friedman became the
lirsi New York political official indicted, con-
victed and in(lictcd again in a single 12-month
'I
period. Kudos. And Robert Gottlich became
the first Jewish editor of The New Yorker and
the first magazine c(IiLor in history whose em-
ployccs have asked him to (hut before he start-
C(l work. We're very, very excitcd. 4

(,SPY MARCh 19$7

I )I .\K I.i )I y List t riti
t )KS gj 1(1.1 I )i- .\R EI)iIOK% %V*s (I1iit pletsed svuili t )I.ÀIt Fi )II( )KS it 1tossihle sp sviii sur
s

IU' I ttK)k .doiig iIt first %'(JLI r l)ecemnber issue nf tice others besides muysell
IS'LI( (1 'I'' h i r(Jtl 4)11 11K Joug JIJtIc rI(Ir -the sl,.. I)UI I i»Ii SOli %%(,Iil(l let Jnit.itIiin I)elI Who orc the underground following (it Flit'.
IS\1C %VIlh iI I'.it Btickkv ,iì.isk. I the heiuiì kits th.it I (11(1 fl(Jt like fliC ljst sculteilte \\riiInr I I h)w tO) lit' j ( ;rOWn-tIpI Ihe gul\ t-.
bright idea (JI we;IrtItg ihr tiii.k when I got of I .(IL itle ï Inluliv Supe i Rossi: ( :hristiis itilty. ( ;IV( huit Ilemli of' roon. Nhuke hun do
hoitit:. Nuihiitg tinath ever h.ìjwiì' the V,.. ( h.imn&k.ih." ihere .i ' ii IC (JI Lis JesVisli bore.
Iiriii: iIicrr iII Norvcgi.in .ud kund 1)1 qui- }K()f)l( %Vh() lOVe elehr.ituii ( Iijmiukjli. .ire .Ia,1Ir%' P Friedman
(t . So i tuiught t hcv'iI get .1 k itk oui of it . ( )t
I l)fl)IUI to lx' Jevish .aiitl ins u sv.imiied nor r 'iori«oeu'n IIcigh:. Xcii' irk
flIt%(, fl()hIMI) III ItI.i)it, kI%I% ' \VtI() I.Lt v.iIIt to clehr.ite ( lLristiii.is. (I he resi of his
BLICkICV i. so tIit siirpr e k itul t it t(l I tl.ut .iriiele %.*s gnou.)
I rturiicil to ulkt the I )eccillicI isuu ut iu I.,nda /U%?1 .»7,IOP,
i )i \R EIwmuKs read spy bccuusc I want to
tlLIIIh()X. Vfit .1 s(IrprIsc to luid itiv olietittle !rw 'b,4 Ile svith-it. I lutist confess
b()ss V()IflJiIIV Shirley I .orI. iii your Iirtv t I . t I '.'. .ì s .i little surprised when I read in your
I'(MJI) sttioii. ( I gilt". tIt.t \ I live in )tv
I) tiiilcr isstic I"I'he si'v ( tiide to ( orrecm
Nc' \'()rk Juil why I like siv. (1 )i1 you know 1 )i .' IL l.i )I .1 oU '. on tite
otigr.mi uLit ions
irtJlttIIR .otuon"I thit ¡ny List itanie is pro
that Shirley I .ord .is the Ino(kI toi Nus,. nl.tg.u/iilc : it's svoiitierIil
-u--I-
NI4)I)eyfwnny in
I k)flCct!)
tite

Rob ii:s?/z;'
ìVr:'
J.1I)1cs

"k
B4J1)(I Lx)()ks .intI I look fòrsvard to us .irriv;ul every mnonih.
Jut1 l.ellv's i I(uIiV%V()()(i (II) ml I ItkISOiI"
VJ5 i1U)Si efljoV.ibIc. I thouglLi ILl .uld (Jilt
Ntsv \rk iiiu,s ft that lie oiiiutted: I7,c l'ii.on-
-I- IV
buJunorci äii-'jcl (ain-Jh!.l_), shen ;iil muy life
l've henri pronouncing it 'an ju/i! (.1IN1thI)
ri ufSno,sd .-Iznuc'. ssitlt J.uk I .etnmnnn. w.is
.15 iI It Ili(i wings. thit is. Obviously. l'vc
I )I.K II )IT( )It hi I )vtetntwr issue
1U)IC ID ,.lut on StCOml(I :Vti)ttt Ixi %V('Cfl Muli .siui
Eteeit svruig )iI titis titile. uid SO Lus everybody
("I)o
I Livt blOI( Brats fl8tit Streets.
else in muy Iitnuiy. 1'kìitks l'or straightening us
Fuii I igii listeti s "L)rJt g(xILtthcr. Is .1
k. Rut:
(Jilt.
tins in tfit JiIOIliCJI or tite org.iiiiiccl trime .\: k
Rogrr .l'agcll
wmIse ( )r (loes it suiìijI iiìr.iti I .imn getting
Veu' Yor/
okI I like tu knos%' sudi things.
( ;tjotl stufI so tir: keep it lively.
I )i..-st ii )lI u )I'
i.iughcd like i third tornì-
r Io reid Nttcitele lieti- sl\' i pleased io liare .aved Air. .4ngcII and #4:5
Ia?nc. !fradv
.\( te
heLl's Res iess (JI Reviewers iii your J ansi/V UPJ)' further e,nbarrassine,zr. .,#4 cd,:or.
I)ctetitber issue. and I tliitìk shcc very Ifliki) ,rgrCt. ho,gre'c, their error co:acrning Lronard
(JI) the right iritk. I I lowever, whilc$ I .tgrcc lic,,,sic,n s:riianic, the Correct proFuncia::on is
I)I...K EI)FI( )k" is .i in;ig.s/inc ut grcit
i'
s.iilt Btnneii tit.ui John Simon is quite troni .3:j,,c.
\1urit .n(I gusto. Flieres culiy prouw to setn.tmìtIc luck ups . . . Simnoit's n/iea:ion of S. Christopher .%fe:g/aer III ("Do
real place tor
¿I .iii UiisJ)Jrittg sii tri tise (JI n,noc, mnl ,,s:go.s: Lo drstriiw ?luna- Brai; Hu:'e Afore Fun?") a 1/se publisher of Peo
cil edge .( iflJg.I i i nr mliat does Iu)t [iit(1C1 to is reillv Itretty lI)t. lite other i'ìuttt
?;1r,a(ha?z? islt'. I le used Io be. I le is now a Tinac ¡n. group
SOIISC Situ I1U)i15- begot ten (IiflFkJsitC of vht is I*'mtitCtt s stitCiflCi)t 'Sill) rcgurd to Ptihiìe publiihei In the sanie issue. a photograph of a
editors think the t'picil re.tder is I,tit. iiitcad. Kiei\ (tditsitted1v aI)sursI ) s(Jtologital ori - $1.875 dress fions the Gallen' of iurabk Ivi
tliii the reader is imitelligeni. iul tique of Peggy Suc (;, ?t!arr:cd. Brititett lisis positioned by coincidence beneath a s4oi av
that wh.it interests the writers .iiitl editors svili vritcs: "I Il(Iee(l. I Kirl ;inul ni lur enlies senti iii-le allcd "Window -Shopping: St'ven i'/aings
ilsti interest the re.t(lers. Es-eli Llu)ugh I no Iiscitited svit h co)rporc'Jl emit issions." I l.iv ing No Onc I Ia Ever Bought." Tise juxiapo..:::on
longer tise in New 'ork. I will keep .,hreast of first eniinseicul Ikuneti to look bevomkl di no :(t ::,s:niended. auJ spy regrets aisy r;i,:sndcr-
tut s.ilitiit ouIrigrs of tl city tutl get mv itary definitions. Itere I ativise her to standing that muy haue resulted.
I1$()IItIÌIV quell (>1 high-emtrgy gtifLisVS mitore ctrntiilly ii what the (li(iu)Iìury h.is Io
Iliroilgii your mn.igJzïIIe. sjv. I'tt' worol (-o?pr)reul sitiiilv i1ìCIib "iii.ite
!arbara iirghz n.u." Perhaps Bennett uue.itit to svrite our/'oraI. si'- u'rlto,nes letters j,ona ib readcr. .-lddrcss
l)envrs; (:/»k whih means 'b(kliiy." liiemi Jgin. luLlYite t os,c.pondemc to si'v. The Pink Bitt/ding. 295
Beiìiwtt's usgc shotilti stiìd. La/as-cite Stive:. .Vrw brk. ¿V. ¡0012. Please
I )i A I Ii been sjitl i h.it j strong
(I I )KS I s Uli*iìks tor .i delighilul third issue. suc/udc voga ilaynine phone n:,nbe,-.
is ,l(eii sIgh (JI
Js'ersi('n .1
J o/In /UUt(/iI/!J,
Littiit .ittr.ictioii. lt v,ire 50 stormilul of the A'u' Wrk
N&sv 'ork glltier.imi. then sltv do voit tksote
th ree qliJrtcrs (Pf each iscite to themu I lt.ise .i At
k-cling th.it S(JtItC of' ou folks wouki relIv I )i- .R Ii )It( )KS iR' .imi.uks 'oii keep f)t1l)
lt has been reported to us (hot many SPY sub.
cribcrs were treated rudely by dim-witted.
like io he L(JtiittC(l tiioiig tlu gli i i iour set bui
lushiitg oit I )js id i'.(l('iSteImI meanspirited doormen at a Twelfth Avenue
V()1111. 11(11 (luit( sure lusv i get ins It((I io Lii Res mw ni Reviewet s .ire truisp.ireiitiv nightclub coiled the Tunncl.
their p.irties. SPY sincerely regrets any inconvenience sut-
JIn-.olt.I)lrIteoI 115(1 inisgLll(Ie(I. 'Ihev ought io
I/,%e J. '%IUItWI h III einhjrrassinemit tu) voit. ¿\liith of iht
fered by ony of our readers, particularly of the

\'ei' »'k I It;.Izimlc is IlitleetI Ireslt .itnl un ottJsion bru

hands of dim-wifled, means pirited
nightclub hirelings
I .i i i t . 1)111 t his (()itst.uilt h.0 rping (JI) 1.ulelsteiui Indeed, we arc eager to mollify any aggrieved

I )iAK 1.i)II ( )u- lorgiveynmi "li ( .iIir s' IOU 111051 Ise0PlC sceitì to think us .0 subscriber with heartfelt apologies and valu.
able gifts For your apology and gift, please
( hicigo. I )t- ti lw g 'u ii I critic. is nothing less ihin un tiiìi Ile.
call our Aggrieved Subscriber Hot Line:
LJpah ¡I hru A/tr,ma,z (212)925-5385.
C/,uago. Ilimou H s/aii,:on. D.C.

'-lF H - SPY
r

157 HUDSON STREET s N.Y.C. 212/226-8423

 Kurt Aidsrsi.i E. Graydon Cortcr
FI >III R%

Thomas L. Phillips Jr.

ri

Gcor9c Kalog.rokis Susan Morriion

1*11 I II)IIR%
Akxandcr Isky
.ki I}II.t IC )k
Joanne Gruber

Tod Frcnd Jomic Malonowski

NII Scorch Lynn Snowden
' IM-I WRIl IRs

Sondo Andevsson
\'."( .4 \ I I \1 1)'.RlI('

Joe Mostrionni Amy Stork

oRlAI. :SSIsI \\
I I

1ko Lompugnok
KothIcn Adorns Jillion Byck
I

Suzanne Gerber Delio Morsholl

t 1)11 I.I)l1tK'
Eric Koplan
( ,t l J' I \I

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I\rl R\ Our elegantly appointed 24 Fifth Avenue Ballroom
will comfortably accommodate from 40 to several hundred
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Sl.Y IISSN lsgt,.17S'.il i 1sNsslwil i)si,,uhI%çs(f' of Michel Fitoussi, featured on public television's
Jjnujiii ,aiiil July. ti S1ui ls.hkshiri I'jrsneis. liic
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jwiisliiig 4 NIls ..uil .,il.lituin.il tnili,.g .4
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For Restaurant Reservations: 475-0880
4
'4 /
M.'RCl I l9tl SPY 9

I'% tanne .tIu!at,v:k,
THE WONDERFUL WORLD
OF FINE DINING
!:;f(/, Sunda z,: :hr I,uii,..
ti«kcd bçluu' a aoy about
ttwtei zur onrrn «,rnrwhcrc ui
ihr .Vosthcat. ihc wcck,
,c,tawant /icalt/i t,dr z'idgt,o,,,
ap/'eaI !Ioc uj'c rIat:tdy more
(umpIcte explunausoni uJ.ome
zu,Itu,u that ìsat'c rentl
app.aed i': the .I'ttiws. (il JQk
iíie z':oIat,ons luted heir
,cp,csr,:: conai:ioni at the time
oft/ic ¡7l/'(CI1Ofl$. flot tho'e that
d,nri :iiIl necessuailyfind noue)
ORLOFF'S
1900 Broadway
,:,,, :fl$,flÇctiOfl iez'cakd .'%
t.l(,latj(,fl, acirupcctw,: rr:'eakd
Th. Among :h high/ighti: htr
J lu., and ,oa,he zh;uzigho:: the
JICh fllOt4iC ezereta.
¡:tte, and dch,?% t,,,rd #,
b,urnzrntflig,,,. :iisk; g',th ¡raki'
j gtucCt. holc in Mr zvi1l and
gira/e -ladra ,fIix,» I:ttc,'cd u'uh
oIganic lilatte,: !ilore? (:abs,,(t(.
c/wlwç 1o,age lIiii. the
fllUrOftktt'( Oti"fl, tise ( rs/Jet.
.Iur,6. an U/"CPJ(i.i. i'angcc and
j )'Cb I4i'e enrzutcd :'s:h
?flUttC, There ua, no
O,gU,,,(
posted
c:thc',
II.%.\ilsszgr:
IahltoVi .Ve14'
LU
thri monsrtrr ¡lot provided
¡U all ,eJr,gciatois. The duo, of
the irfugriazoi' rira, ¡1w
dihuoihc, itu hroi,rn and
vinuld,: : (ld.if. .S()fllC fluorernt
tube, ¡n ihr fiod prepaiation
aira and 3OiiiC re/Jzgerator buIh
tide Out. The hot pa.t,ai,u.
,(M,t bcJ coined b/: and
,?Jati, bulb ILi,C /()Iifld to be
betiewc'n I!I) and 3f) dgicr and
¡iru o,dered ,e:zo,wd ¿ithi, io
tin' tug'c o to the iC/i'S'(Iat(fl.
Temperaturr 43/ the old tU?key
and lia,» «rie ,eeortlrd zu i/u'
53', (,I) degue und tine
o,de,cd ,4rsqesated. Tho'e uric
)/,t,, bait tat:oPz' in the ¡TOUt
k ,tc'hen and 'pindc'd itcr" ti
thio:qhocst /u. 1,ii(cniei:t
,j
(oni,iiurd)
Inspy MAI((:It I'fl17
DOING BUSINESS IN SOUTH
. AFRICA MEANS ONLY
MEMKERs ONLY
.SdC(tlWb jroii (:(»ztc?;z/)r»(I;: J'jf(Jfl(fl Ç
HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY
Gerard Moines lived across the hail from a woman C's been i long, trying couple of years ol struggling
named Benno, who four minutes into any conversation to niake profit while beitig barragcd l)y crank Icttcrs
managed to say the word penis. anti pitoiw calls froni hystcrica) customers, invvstors,
opening linc of Anagrams, by Lorrie Moore politiciaiis ttitl those crerps in thc prcss on thcir latcst
l)aIUiWagOfl. LIW antta)artheicI iuovcnicnt. What's a
After I became a prostitute, I hod to deal with penises
poor !flUItiflItiOflLI to (IO
of every imoginable shape and size. Some large, others
quite shriveled and pendulous of testicle. Some blue- Fakc it.
veined and reeking of Stilton, some miserly. I Icre's how. 1.ct's say you're a bank. like Citi1xnk.
opening lines of "Modern Saint #271," by Tamo At'uìriu k) IIW world that you're honoring the Anti-
Janowitz, from Slaves of New York A1urthcid i\CI of 1986, and thus will iiiakc no new
cross-border IthIflS to South ¿frican horrowcr. But then
Tim 's was shaped like a banano, with a graceful curve COflLitIttC to loan ihet IflOflC from your Irancli banks
to it. They're all different. Willie's like a bunch of wal-
u'ithi,, SOLItII iírtC1!
nuts when nothing was happening, another's os thin os
(.)r you couid lollow the lead ai ( ;ciicriI Motors ¡ud
a thin hot dog.
from "Lust," o short story by Susan Minot, author of announce the withdrawal or sale of all your assets in
South ifric;i (October 20, I 986), but continue to supply
Monkeys
services and I)r(xlucts through various ¡'ranchises and
Her horror and fascination with his size. His power, his licensing agreements.
hands, feet, mouth, dick, all that stuff that carried her Clever Carnation, on the other hami, proclaimncd
across the door of that little frame house on T Street (Septeiiilwr 6. I 985) th.tt it tl() longer had ¡iii I)USIItCSS In
and kept her there unti! her neck snapped. South Africa. having sou1 its subsidiaries there. Iii factS
opening lines of "Memphis," by Ellen Gilchrist, from
the COtI1l)Ii1V liad sold all of its lorcign subsidiariesto
Drunk With Love
its own parent company. Nestlé in Switzcrhttid. so that
it went froni a tTIc)ther-(laughtcr relationship with its
South African operations to a sister-sister one.
Finally, there's the boLd initiative of outfits such as
THELIzSMITH Exxon. which declared defiantly (I)ecctnhcr 31), 1986)
TOTE BOARD that it had sold all its ¡diiliatcs in Soiatl Africa to an
itidepviidcnt trust, so thai it would make flO new service
\ 'e.. Liz Smith /2115 been
or technical agrccnients with uit;' South ifrican Cumpa'
on vacation. nyhut ()IiLiIIucs to honor all of its existing ones.
II_ Simple. isn't it? We don't know why we didii't think
Of it 50011Cl. Joanne Grubes
¡4,73.
THE ILLUSTRATED HISTORY OF NEW YORK, PART V (I.lFoRNlA
BEIN;
CAIJFoRNIAN
íIitiIY MWor,Ç'ePc r(â/ /do
1 n Occasional I)ircctory of
A Sfond'eo NOhAùy Fesli'vc)/ 1/ic Sun:,iwk, i/ic.
F.xcesiwely í3vlr/lou' and the
lPiS(t?tCIV
L The La Costa Hotel
and Spa, in Carlsbad,
California, has recently
opened o Center for Life-
style Management.
7 2. At the New Aventine,
on office and resort de-
velopment in La Jolla,
which is designed to re-
I. '
semble an ancient Roman
piazza, there will be o fo-
cility called the Fitness
c'f";y#ids/
t' Rotunda.
 MARCH DATEBOOK
E,w/,ani,n' . i laiming Le'c'ní Upcoming
6-8 Ncw York
Intcrnational Stamp
Expo; at the Javits
Centcr. One hundred
thirty-five (IcaIers, 16
governments represented.
buying Jfl(l selling,
JUCtiOflS. And the lines
are pr1)ahly shorter than
at your post office.
lo Tama Janowitz
lectures at the Singles
Coffeehouse series (for
singles under 40); at the
Spanish- Portuguese
Synagogue, 2 West
7Uth Street; 7:00-9:30
P ; $8. lt's come to this.
12 "The Three Branches
of Government and the
Separation of Powers." A
panel (liscussion at the
92nd Street Y; with
Walter Mondale ail
Ruth Bader Ginsburg;
8:00 p.m.; SII.
15 Ides. Alternate-side-
of-the-street parking
rules remain in effect.
17 St. Ritrick's Day.
Again? For a parade even
we could love, turn to
page 64.
20 "Different I)oorway:
Adventures of a
Caesarean Born"; at the
New York Open Center,
83 Spring Street; 7:00
lO:0() p.m.; $25. A
workshop of "lecture,
SIi(k illustrations,
shamanic drumming and
(liscussion." Did you
know that "nearly 20% of
all births arc now
caesarean, and . . . this
dittcrent way of entering
the WOrl(I is associated
Iwithi a somewhat
(Illkrent perspective on
life"?
20 "Eggs on End:
Standing on Ceremony."
For the tenth year,
)eO1)le will gather at
the exact moment ol thu
equinox (10:56 P" this
IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE
I/J( SI'V (;:ide to ¡O%Cï ¿V:g/it1ijc
year) to stand eggs up t)II'vC seen tltccn un S;itiiril.iv itights, the losers, killing tune. vvaiting t'r it tu hc
straight. For more late enough tIit t liti r ilooriiieii 'iIl think they's u I i.I j real n Ii t uit i ,ti i iR
information, call the tO'.%'II. ( theni credit at lt';ist theyre not tuoping ai h,)Inc like its, t i , iti. to t iii Ii
Lower Manhattan ()%lt i(lCI% for some upstart magazilic.
Cultural (uncil at \Vhile real nightlife nffcrs the illusion of potential sexual fullilirnent, I .oscr Night
(2 I 2) 269-0320. uk siIuI)ly offers the illusion of nighthife. Losers won't go just anywhere, luwevr.
21 Spring Equinox . I hc'ir haunts IBUSt titeet tlwse exacting criteria: nonthreatening atmosphere'; free ad
Celebration; at the Open tilission; stufi to brovsc through or sip slowly; aitil proximity to a newsstandif it is
Center. "As the Earth hot ¡ fle'/sSt.tIKl itsehftr that SuiIay i'inic.c nightcap.
sends forth new leaves to In the SI)irit it-takes one-tu-ksuiv-one. here's a list UI tiflle-teSte(I Loser Night-
meet the increasing force lilè hangouts.
of the sun"stay with D( )WNTOWN
this"how do we enable Sounds Jazz & ClassicolSounds Video (14 Stuyvesant Street). Records downstairs,
the renewed life of Earth
ViIk() upstairs. Small I'' uit liner flott's on jazz records eau keep you occupied fr
to breathe through us?"
Iunirs. Extra Loser Nightlik credit k)r: showing gory iiiovies on the monitors upstairs
This is the place to find
to keep slumming "witiners" away. Open until 10:00 P.m.
out. Beginning at 8:00
p.m., you can "celebrate French Kisses(144 Bleecker Street). The Bleecker Si. ( iimemna sanctions this perlumey
the triumph over h,tscimìuiit hangout. Chc-k out: dozens of FremmcI
adi'csiùcnsc,:ts for Pink Floyd- -'The
darkness through group J-('11; hundrc(Is of han(Ibills announcing Antvcrp (lates br The Cure; jillions of ITè$
'sacred (lance,' tIttC postca rds. ofen ont I I :0() a.rn.
accompanying music,
Steve's Ice Cream (Sixth Avenue and lUth Street). 'lhe point of Steve's isn't tite ice
guided meditation, and a
trc;mmn, It's the 45-mninute n'ait um lute, the ultimate in goal oriented titile vastiIgc. ihis
closing, warimith-filled
CihtiH, originated in I)ston, is ppuIar with l'vlanh:mttan's nI;mmIy, mnmny I larvard losers,
party."
VltO spend the veek too wra))petl lip fl thcnisdvcs to i)IiIm) Saturday -night social
22 Greek Independence outings. ( )pen until I :01.) ;m.un.
Day Parade; Fifth
Avenue. Or possibly the Tower Classical Annex (l.aíiyette Street and East 4mb Street). It's possible to avoid all
29ththe date was himnian contact in this huge, cavernous space. Pete Scegeresque dads mint for Brand X
uncertain at press time. Badi while kids shop next (I(x)r at the main store. 1erch:amuiise highlight: \'amiguard
Will the same sort of CUt-Omit SeCtiOn, featuring fc)lkie never-wercs amul (:hmrltn I lcston reading E.sodus.
procrastination and ( until nu(Inigllt.
organizational chaos that
Veselka (SJtl Street 111(I Second Avenue). Unlike typically frenetic colke situps. \'e-
has apparently cost
selka is a congenial spot for conspicuous reading. the I .oser Nightlifc version ofdress
Greece a shot at hosting
ing to kill. 0ic11 until 2:1)0 a.mn.
the 1996 Olympics keep
this parade from starting NOT DOWN'I'OWN
on time? We shall see. Coliseum Books (57th Street and Broadway). The kind 0f1)lace where Ken;on Review
29 Last chance to see "On i,titsdls this library-ss'iih-ttmnes is boume tuse to PerPetual grad stti(knts vith
Thp: New York's Water strangely configured beards. ( )pn until I I :3(1 p.111.
Supply," an exhibition at
the American Museum of The Compact Disc (Second Avenue and 62nd Street). 'l'itt' big attraction livre is a chair
Ila(r(I ill thu ideal-listeiiing "ihiarnond" I)et%Vet'tI ts'o s1x:ikers, %vhcre you C;II sit kir
Natural History.
iiiiiiuteS 01) end preteiuhing to discern ust vhy it is that digital technology is better
29 "A Visit to the Matzah
tltmii ;ittalog. ( )ix'n until I 0:1)1) p.111.
Factory." What could be
more to the paint? A pre- Shakespeare & Co. (Rroadway and 81st Street). 'l'hi luH-price late- night 1100k boite
Passover field trip; meet 'i)(ti.IIIM'? 1)J1Wrh;R'k originals with back -cuver rc mews comparing said
III 5IIlC(I
at the 92nd Street Y. Ixk to I.c.'j Tizan ?r;o ;mnd !frighi Li'his. Big City. ( )vcrheard
.\lc lncrimc)'sque coil-
30 The Academy '-(-I s.itioil%. Not overh('ar(I: cash register ringing up sales. ( )pen until I 2: 3(1 a.iil.
Awards. People who
Tower Video (Broadway ;mnd (i7thi Street). I Aiser's revenge: watching couples fiil to agree
swear each year that
(Ill sUital)k dunce for fast fidiiig Saturday night. Nice touch: electronic securitY gates
i
they'll never watch again
Iore murait guar(Is to frisk Iicivily be;cvcicd illoiDS 1mm (,,)ucens. ()peii until mnidiiight.
will tune in, iîonly to
observe Warren Beatty Tower Records (Broadway ¡111(1 (i6th Street). Uptown has ;i VI I- i kd. is u19m05(l to
turning 50. (The (IUsViltOS%'fl' \I1'' Jilll)i('ii(('. \r"iiC like Ul)tOsVI1 for ils intiltiscrecii i,f() dIsII4V ii 1
broadcast ShOUl(I end I kscrted lRIseIflCIlt . I t 's h ike a uniur I ;i I Li I iuni, amid 'oti can have it .i I I yoursel t f
before he turns SI.) ) I .osvr Nighttile Nirvana. ( )pen tinti1 mithiiight. /'ftk lIaith and B,,ic !Ia,,dy
M,'tR( i I I'157 SPY II
 fl\ElkNT I'AR'F MAKING SENSE SEPARATED AT BIRTH?

Woody Allen is notorious +or his attention to detail.

(co,,i,,,zwd)
THE WINE BAR
422 Wesi Broulway
Thefii: inspection r.vcaIed
eight violations. including J,cih
and old niowc cxcsr:a in the
basement, liveflies in the
basement ki:then. an
inadequately ve,,:ila:ed /,:chcn.
During the shooting of Radio Days lost winter, extras
Wore circo-l940s suspenders hidden beneath sweater,
jacket and overcoat. And during the big USO dance
scene in which Mia Farrow sings, the entire Savoy Man- '. . s
or Ballroom, at the Grand Concourse and 149th Street
in the Bronx, was transformed. LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS
posters were on the walls, and more than 100 extras in
short haircuts and tight-fitting uniforms milled about.
Max Frankel . . - - and Tom Bosley'
One group of ersatz Gis hung around the urinal in the -

and dus:- and grease-laden men's room, spoiling for o brawl. Women in snoods sat
kite/zen wa/Ic and ceiling. There
sipping orange sodo out of wartime bottles and re-
were also paper violations; the
lai inspection report uzs
marking, "Boys arc dying over there," and "Gosh
unavailable. there ntis no tsii
aren't these exciting times we're living in!" Admirals
I IANI)S signin the employees' looked likc admirals, Air Force officers like pilots. Ma-
lswaíoiy and iherc «'as no rincs, like idiots.
alcohol-pregnancy poster im th At one point the director stood playing with one
premises. Six tWC4s later
inspectors again found fresh
mouse excreta. among other
of Forrow's kids in the center of the ballroom, then
sot down to take in her song. GIs from central cost-
¡ng backed Forrow on piano and percussion. As the
I...-í
Leona Helmslcy . . . . . and Liberace
violations, And there ure holes
song ended, the director approached the stage. The oc-
in the wallsholes, the -
impectors figured. that might
tress, in o yellow dress, leaned forward. An extra
"pmwde mdent entry points." decked out os o Navy seaman overheard some of their
E1 Wc P' conversation:
HARD ROCK CAFE
221 West 57th Strct ACTREsS: Maybe you're right. I
Thefirst inspethon revealed a DIRECTOR: You think so
dust-laden fan guard in the ACTRESS: I guess. I mean
walk-in refrigerator. a grease- DIRECTOR: Yeah. I don't know. What do you think'
laden dunibwaitei; holes in the ACTRESS: Well, Il1 don't know. I guess if you like the Clint Eostwood . . - and...?
iwlIs ofthcfood preparation orange, I couldI could try ¡t.
area, and live and dead roaches
DIRECTOR: Yeah, uh . .
on the floor under the steps
kai/ing to the dry-storage room. ACTRESS: Do you think so
Generally. extermination DIRECTOR: Yeah, so why don't you
nieasure n'ere held to br
inadequate. On second She disappeared and returned in an orange dress and
inspection, ho/cs andfresh and
sang the song. After four takes, the extras were dis- r
mouse excreta iverefound on
missed. Two weeks later everyone returned to shoot
thefloor ofthefoud storage area.
Also, there was uncovered
the scene again. Miss Farrow's dress was yellow.
garbage in the garbage storage Hank Rosenfeld Carson McCullcrs . - - - and Bob Geldof'
aiea: remarkably. roaches and
fiirs werefound there as well.
L L L £A& L L L L £1 L £ à L L &A £*A L L L L A& L L L L L aaaa
THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLES
COURT
CaseNo. 1415(i
Vic Milcs (aka Victor Miles
Levy) y. Collectors Cars Inc.
Ei AI.
c», about Oaober 21, 1984.
Miles, the Channel 2 repar:er
bought a white ¡959 Mercedes-
Benz convertiblefrom Collectors
Cats Inc. of Freeport, Long
Island. Assured that this was "a
classic automobile," Miles put
doua, $8.000 tou'ard a purchase
price of$l5,000. After
attempting to restore it, Mi/cs
discovered that the car had been
stuffed and reinforced with
"rags. 2' x 4" pieces of wood,
and assorted trash." Miles claims
he ions 7raudulen:ly induced to

12 SPY MARCH 1987

 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR OF
THE NEW YORKER PRINT

DEAR Ros, DEAR Bon,

Berton Roueché begins his December 8 medical detec- What's the big idea? Since when does The New Yorcr (continued)
tivc story by characterizing March 19, 1979, as Friday. print cartoons depicting lascivious oggcrs with indis- pay for a vehicle which tiw no:
As the world turned in 1979, the nineteenth of March crcct erections? I'm totally grossed out. Cancel my tue 'classic' in the (ondu:o:i
was in fact-checked fact a Monday. How am I to rely on subscription! represented." Miles further
you for knowlcdge of calcium disodium ethylene- Sam Johnson clainu the car fikZS "dangerout.
hazardous, wholly zntafc. and
diaminctctraacetic acid if you can't tell mc what day lrouklyn, New York fra/7-Ii/(e" and says rags. t«od
it is? and plastic covered up rua and a
Stephen Landes The cartoon. by George Price, appears on page 25 of the deteriorated body. Mile; u suing
New York July 21, 1986, issue ofThe New Yorker. By the uwy Rob- f or actual and punitive damages
in the amount if $10,050.000.
cii Goulieb wasn 't editor when this cartoon wtzs published.
The defense has counicrcd by
The New Yorker acnowIedges the error. Bui you're prob- as/.ing Miles to be more specific
ably on solid ground with the calcium disodium ct/i lcnc- about his allegations. d4mning
DEAR Bon, conditions and pecfying times
diamineietraacetic acid. By the giki) Robert Go::licb toíiin 't
When my husband and I bought our house in Cape Cod and places they ure noticed. No
edito, when this article wtz, published.
last year, we found the bathroom walls had been pa- trial date lias been se:.
percd in old covers of your magazine. Can you tell us Case No. 09755
DEAR Bon, how to remove them without damaging the pltster E:iken Collins. Sus.,nne I)oris,
One ofthe many things I respect about your magazine is ufl(lcrflcath? (:Jfl)I tOfliaIl, JtI(IiIh Liulc,
Mrs. W. McCabe III RC)?L AflflC Woolsey. l'auline
that it is one ofthe few that do not accept cigarette ad-
Achulas. Carol Bratty.
vertising. lt takes a lot ofguts to decline that much ad- Sharon, Connecticut (;athcrin Ikatt l'rudruice
vcrtising revenue for the sake of integrity. lt was witl (;ray. t)t,iiie Relic. Pamela
disappointment, then, that I found what is essentially a The New Yorker uullpaper cxpert al Janovic Plaza rec- Siaccy. Kern l'carsail. lcrry
two-page ad for Philip Morris in the December 29 issue ommends l)I! wallpaper strippc; in two gallons of water Spano. and (ynth;i Hughes o.
I )anci'r Fitzgerald Sample I nc.
(pages 56-57). for especially bug/a jobs. An alternative is to steam the The pla:n:tfft a,i Rocket/cc. in
Albert Norton things off By the way, Robert Gottlieb wasn't editor when
Scptcniber I 984 they signed a
New York covers were glued to I/sc walls. COnfiNe! tint/i Dancer Fitzgerald
Sample ¡u appear in ads foi-
i. 'cís panty hwc. They cuy the
The ad isfor a 1ou?'tflg exhibition ofAmerican crafts, spon-
(oltlinil (4k1( for one ycai but
sored by Philip Morris. The New Yorker hasfor sonte lin3e SPY welcomes letters to the editor of The New Yorker. th,t the adt :re,s used ionqer,
accepted this type oftobacco company advertising but still Address correspondence to "Dear Bob," e/o spy, The Puck nubi i:itably tu au

does not talcas this issue ofsPy ut'nt toprcss. at any rate Building. 295 Lafayette Street, New York, N.Y 10012. We advcit:e,nc,,t on display ¡n she
niutu corn oiur.'e of the ¡but
cigarette adc. fly the ui Robert Goulieb warn 't editor regret that correspondetice addressed to "Dear Mister iluit/unu:y Bus Tc'r,n,,uul. 7rn,,
toben the ad was ,un. S/zau'n cannot be forwarded. ) ai-ciutng for damages of $25,01X
cui-/I.(They ought to do better:
spcndizg extra tinic ut Port
il,thojit; even in effigy. ought
to be :w,th lois more.)

LA L L L L a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a L a a a a a A a a a a a a L A A a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a A a

Ii L:t :j1:
'---
 :' I

,//( CHINATOWN S GODZILLA

THE BLOTTER
SPECTATOR SPORTS
I'I(:K.-Hru iiu.i.s
T/R public is g'cIcon,r to iticnd i/:efo/lou'ing t,ia1, g'/aic/z
arc. Iikc/y to get tindcr way .ccwm. Thc eozit calcmlar and
trial pa1tuu/as arc (I/t('U)'S .ubjcti to change, of course. so
cull tite uppropriufr information nwnbcr fi» details.
Anthony "Fat Tony" Salerno. Salerno has alre;idy hcCn
coI)v1cte(! (il rackctccring. .1his ncw trial involvcs hid
rigging in thc constructu)n iiidustry and "illcgal influ-
ence" in Tcainstcrs elections. Marcl .30. U.S. l)istrict
Court, 40 Folcy Squarc. Judgc Lowc prcsi(ling. For in
lr,iation. (2 I 2) 7911 140.
Bernhard Goetz. ( ;OcL/. charged with aucm)tcd mur-
(lcr at1 asstiIt for s)u)oting tour youths in thc %Ub%V.ly in
I)cccmhcr l984. I Ic ha% pka(k(I tu)t guilty. No (Lite set
al prcss tune. Manhattan Suprenic Court, Roin H3(),
I I I Centre Street. Judgc Crane prcsiding. For informa-
tion, (21?) 553-9400.
Robert Chambers. Chambers has plcacIc(l flot guilty to
the murder of Jennifer I.cvin last August in CentriI
Park. May 4. Manhattan Criminal Court, Room 1317,
loo Ccntrc Strcct. JLI(lgc HeIL presiding. For infornia-
I :;<t*
-T
CnA
'\:../
t;-
:-
"
' DeepinthefishylabyrinthsofChina-
town is a video arcade with a famous
:1 . twist. Here you con pit your wits
7 o against or dance with a chicken
-4
/
-
: I ,& V, ,,'V Just upstairs, though, is the dusty
and arcane Chinese Museum, where you can learn stuff and meet a scary dragon.
Downstairs, amid the relentless video game cacophony, a lively tune prompts o
chicken "humanely trained by the reward system" into o sposticjig when you drop
in 50 cents. A defensive placard explains (as if spoken by the twirling chirper her-
self): I LIKE MY WORK. I'M NOT BORED. BUT I'M NOT OVERWORKED EITHER. I wish I could say
that, you'll think to yourself. For another 50 cents, you can battle "Bird Brain," the
sleepy hen who plays ticktacktoe. Who can resist Bird Brain's challenge: SHE'S NOT
CHICKEN. ARE YOU?
Now that you've had a taste of Chinese culture, you're ready for full immersion at
the Chinese Museum. But first you have to pry the cashier from his Daily News and
get him to take you upstairs and unlock the door. He'll try to dissuade you by charg.
ing $1 .50; it's not like the Metropolitan, where you can pay what you wish. After he
finds someone to fill in for him, you're on your way. He'll sit down for a smoke and
watch you warily until you leave.
The faded exhibits troce dynastic history and celebrate Chinese contributions to
the world. Once you've taken it all in, face the electronic quizmaster:
"Every American boy loves to fly kites. Who invented them?
a) Chinese b) Americans
"Of the thousands of juveniles arrested in New York City in 1970, how many were
Chinese? a) 1100 b) 11O00
"Where is the capitol of the Republic of China located? a) Taiwan b) Peking"
To cap this riot of educational fun, wake the attendant and ask him to show you
. . the dragon. In a little side room, the creaky, 15-foot Godzilloid is revved up. The
.

tion, (212) 553-9400.
Revillon Inc. The Ñrricrs arc charge(l with tax eva-
sionclunging records to make it look as if merehan-
disc were being sent out of state. Marelì 23. Manhattan
Criminal Court, Room 1306, lOO Centre Street. Judge
Scott presiding. For iiilrmation, (2 I 2) 553-9400.
plaster master of disaster roars, bobs his head, wiggles his toes and shoots out his
tongue . . . and his eyes light up. "Had enough?" the attendant's plaintive eyes seem
to be saying, his hand poised on the plug. "You need quarter for Q*bert?
Jack Barth
Chinese Museum & Chinese Dragon, 8 Mott Street.

spy i unofficii/, high/v selective accou?it of incidents to

¡d'/:iC/ i/u. iVcit' York (:ity Police I)cpartiìciit's specially

trajited rescue hiltS responded dwing the five-week /c,id

ending January 20. Quotes are tise police dispatchc;:.
DEUS EX MACHINA
. Quecnsuricrilicd report of a man sucked Uf) by a
-

mß Ios
tree-pruning machttw e5 ?t%o CaOS Ot Ja-
en

Way°°'
up
p0posed Movie
EVERYONE'S A CRITIC
1:bO. MO nib
'Caai anyone advise the code for rcpairing a vehicle on
the higIiva "Ycah Stupid
of the

E'N
4S
(WILD) LIFE IN RURAL NEW YORK ç'l4

. Quccns"anttnal coi1itioii. Ir11tc house" s nJU%p$gr

aflS tO
am0tOcjçp
o ThO To
. Quccns"largc snake in basement of private housc"
'.'
,.
nnYwe9s- vetS tcad'0
. Qticens"wild animals ruilning around parking loi" -
ma Island.3 .iotet neon.ja
Fantasy
. Quecns"Ioose cows" Ofl WtO t,etV 0dS tO
LINE OF DUTY 0at
ttefl ofl
sI,Y stat'l'mcmber Amy Stark was recently dCtICCtCd in a
southwesterly direction by an emergency-bound three- I

_Yç. ttea d
%'35O 8
ent
&Oçfltn.
wheel police scooter headed south on north-running I a- juan gadO ' 2 , . .

%ead8tuetteTo
0ve Es
fayette Street (Stark was crossing witI the light). I lcr stt4REV1EV (CC) Canatt. .. ' and
hip was bruisc(l there are no job O)CflIflS at SPY at this Joe
Wr(az
tinte. ilnn C. 1i4athers ,6Qtitfl.

KeyST
Úon
uaG etadO

s__LOUtS
4 sPY MARCh 19X7
.BO1tst;6O

.4
 n
/
4
3f.
s
tt
Mfl1T1M r:
As we go to prcss, lace-breaking dcvdopments
at thc Tirncs make it imperative that I shelve
my exclusive interview with staff reporter
Vartinig G. Vanan. I feel especially baci about
this because Vartan, as you might imagine,
would have been funny. Unfortunately, that is
hot the case with the subject I must instead
(leal with: it is my profound suspicion that
Abe Rosenthal is no longer with us. I am fur-
cher convinced that he has died of you-know-
what. His death went unreported in the
Tunes, of course, because of the newspaper's
l)1icy about not reporting you-know-what as
a cause ofdeath. lt would appear that his long-
time companion, Arthur Gelb, has worked
valiantly over the last several months to cover
U}) this news, hut the strain PI111lY has been
(DO imich. I deduced this news the course of
iì
chcckiw. around with my sources about the
hew Rosenthal column on the Op-Ed page of
the lthzcs, entiticd On My Mind. Right from
the start I could tell that this was not the prose
oíthc Abc Rosenthal I knew.
The first clue that Mmething vas amiss
came in a house ad in early January that re-
ported that Rosenthal "was a Neu' York Times
reporter, Pulitzer-winni ng foreign correspon
(ICUt aild editor for 40 years . . . landi expects
Lo write a New York Times column for another
40 years." This may just be an example of the
wildly hyperbolic humor that has long been a
hallmark ofthe Times. They're a nutty bunch,
those guys in Times promotion, and I cerning stories reported in the next day's Jour-
wouldn't put anything past them. Because if
this Rosenthal pian came true, he would be
writing his farewell column at the age of 105.
That would make him thc second-oldest col-
umnist in Times history, afier Washington
columnist James Reston.
I was not at all prepared for how feebly Ro-
senthal's posthumous ghostwriter would per-
petuate the illusion that the franchise is still
alive. In the very first columnplaintively
headlined PLEASE READ THIS COLUMN!the
Gelb coconspirator faltered when he ex-
¡)laifled why Rosenthal's byline was A. M.
rather than Abraham. The reason given was
that "long ago" an editor found his first name
.'
was not quite, or maybe too quite." This im-
l)cnctrtllc circumlocution appeared to hint at
what readers ol l'ue Kingdom and the Power
alrea(iy knew: in bygone days, Times editors
16 SPY MARCH 1987
regularly changed bylines that sounded too
Jewish, the way studio heads once did the
namesoftheir stars. The restofthc REAI)THIS
COLUMN! C()IUiiifl wavered uneasily between
further un-Abdike folksiness (his conversa-
tion with the carpenter who was retrofitting
his officespace that used to be occupied, as it
happens, by Rosenthal victim Sydney Sclìan-
berg) and the more characteristic A. M. An-
glomania (as when he referred to Gorbachev
as a smoother "chap" than his predecessors).
Subsequent columns have clone little to dis-
pci my theory. Rosenthal was a great man
whose death was all too untimely, and I think
it only fitting that Mr. Gelb allow the former
executive editor a proper SCIRl-Off. lt is clisqui-
eting to see him being kept artificially "alive."
Au THE NEWS WE FIT,
THEY PRINT
lu lieu ofexercising their own news judg-
ment, network news organizations afl(l news-
weeklies routinely crib from what the Times
deems important, but The Wall Street Journal
carries this parasitic behavior too far. lt is both
a little sad and a little charming that each
weekday evening at around nine-thirty, a
Journal minion dutifully hops in a taxi and
makes the trip uptown to the Times building
on West 43rd Street, where he or she buys sev-
eral of the earliest available copies of the next
morning's paper, scans them for news con-
aal and then, from a phone in the Times lobby,
reports in to his or her l)ow Jones taskmasters
with any ncccssary "updates" from the
competition.
MAX HEADBROOM
In last month's column I commented that
thc headlines seem to have grown larger un-
der new executive edítor Max Frankel. One of
my moles at the Times informs me that quite
the reverse is true. Headlines have gotten
smaller, and in the new Metropolitan News
section the type point sizes have even been re-
(luCed. And speaking of reduction, have you
noticed the incredible shrinking daily Agenda
column? When he rcdcsigncd the old "new"
Metropolitan News section, John Vinocur, the
unpopular former Metro editor, assigned two
ofhis top reportersSuzanne l)alcy and Jane
i
Grossto assemble Agenda. These days the
section is sometimes only one pathetic item. lt
seems that Frankel is fixing to get rid of it
altogether. (He has already broomed the two
columns of wire service stories, Around the
Nation and Around the World.)
FAMILY TIFs
Deirdre Carmody, wife of special assistant
to the executive editor and Irmer unpopular
Metro editor Peter Millones, did some exhaus-
tive reporting for a Mctro section story on the
co-op conversion of Lincoln Towers. Car-
mody, the only Metro reporter who works jus
three days a week, includeci in her story
quotes from (and a photograph of) Shira
Dicker, who is known around the Times as
the wife of a Metro religion reporter, Ari L.
Goldman.
BLACK ANI) WHITE
AND RED ALL OVER
Many of us who have friends at the Time
had to ring in the New Year without them.
Mindful of Howard Beach (and the Times's
own flibbertigibbet coverage of thc resulting
fallout), Arthur "Remember Watts!" Gelb
had close to a hundred reporters and editors
on hand New Year's Eve, prepared to cover
the all-out race war that he imagined would
erupt in Times Square.
BUSCH LEAGUE
On the front page of Business Day, the
Times ran a story datelined Cape Cod and car-
rying no byline. lt told the charming success
story ofthc small, locally owned company that
produces Cape Cod Potato Chips the old-lash-
ioned way. The reporter quoted several ex-
perts on entrepreneurial ventures and
concluded that this potato chip maker had fig-
ured out the perfect formula for making mon-
ey and staying independent.
A couple ofweeks later, the Times's Correc-
tions section (under the spirited guidance oi
Allan Siegal, former news editor and a new
assistant managing editor) offered the follow-
ing: "In an earlier edition, it was incorrectly
inferred IskI that Cape Cod potato chips was a
privately-owned entrepreneurial company. In
fact, the company is a wholly-owned subsid-
iary of Anheuser-Busch Inc." In other words,
never imud. Bye. Miks Archer
Cit orts
MAGAZINE
Active New York.
Out of reach.
Until now.

City Sports
knows where
to find them.
e

In their a1th clubs. In the shops where

they gear up. And when we find them,
they find the active uiforrnation they
want. . S.

-
maga-

Ii ,

kmontÑv

whole tristate area.

And City Sports does more thaqøpoit

news,wemakeitW8vebeen
trends arid getting active
advertisers together for 12 years rxm
California. Aerobics, triath'ons and rac
quetball aren't the only great ideas that
have moved freni West Coast to East
hacomosLty Srts Magazine!

tise us to reach active New Yorkca!!

212 6277O4O.
 r
sThese days, evcry-
body who's anybody
is breaking the
}Ôzie I
1 law. As a potential
prison inmate, you

G oinrr
,
should consider your
options ahead of
time. KuRT ANDERSEN
shows you the ropes
t o

A SPYConsumer Guide/or Inside Traders, IVue Guys, Wìhite

House franscam Operators, Parking Iñolations Bureau Officials,

Perjiirerc, Tax Cheats and Other Wy IrnportantPeople on the Go

IT USED TO BE
that your icrsonal chokcs had soute heft. Figuring oui whcre to go to
collcgc. how to cant a living or whon to marry wcrc Iargc (kcisIons
vith conequciiccs that rclIy ,nattcrc(l. But iio with the approach of
iniddic agc, ihe iniportant choiccs ltavt all been made already. All
thats lcft to you now arc few wtty prekrencc. 'ou (kci(lc krinats
(VI-IS or 8mm). colors (rrgiilir toricilini or giccn). (luapurs (Patiipers or
clotit) and publishers tr your icinoirs (.i .itiity prcss or Kuo1)O. ¡fl(l
then you (lic.
Unless along the way you commit i crune. Everyone seems to be
(bing it. Considcr Dennis l.cvinc and Ivan lK%ky and Gcoufcy Lin-
dcnaucr. Consider John ( ;otti. (onsikr the \Vhite I-louse National
Security Council statt. Somc ofthcm. surely. will actually spend time in
prison. America haS 504,001) of its cItIzcns in lriso, and a kw tlR)u-
SJIKI IflOR
Icry
shuflic in cvcry vcck.
i1111111(ought to (lcvotc ilic ainc kind of research
s
ç
an(l planning U) )ris1 as he (k)CS to hisehoice otcolkgc, Sl)OUSC or IRA
invcstincifl (hiClC. But in all lIkclIIuHMl 1w (IOCS flot. ?wlost Ic()I)lC Seflt
to prison just () 'hcrc ilieyrc (01(1. lucy (loII't consult rxlwrts or
ltLCfl(I the aiinual Atiiericati ( orrcct ional Associai iou congress. ihey
don't irc over I)risr patuphicts with their wivcs. (Only 4 of
prisoners arc vomct1.) Morcovcr, the typical convict inakcs not even a
perfunctory attemit to luid oui which of the country's In,ilrrils of
I)rists might Ixst suit his Incarceration life-style.
,Il prisons arc unpleasant. But soute arc just sad and have a (lisinkc-
tant stench, while others arc grotesque. lt pays to know how to tell
which is vhich L)cforc your tune comcs.

IM SPY MARCI I 1957

 As you PAUSE TOCONTEM- mind, eliminate Salt Lake City and Little Rock from
"JUST WHAT platc your well-behaved life your short list of venues for a breaking-and-entering
the slow Jane, maybe thc career.
ARE MY
prospect of spending time Canny corporations set up shop in Delaware for at-
CHANCES behind bars seems remote. cane legal reasons. Cocaine dealers should move there,
OF GOING You don't think you need to toothe first-offense sentence for possession of a half
TO PRISON?" knowabout prisons. But it's ounce or less is a 3,OOO fine. Why don't crooks converge
conceivable that one day, n on Nevada, where the conviction rate is staggeringly
a cuckolded fury, you will bludgeon someone to death. low ? As a matter of fact, they apparently do: despite the
Or you might turn no more rotten than John Dean. And low conviction rate, Nevada has a larger fraction of its
what ifthcy decided to lock up all agnostics? Or every- population behind bars than any other state. And il a
one who scored over 600 on their SATs? Those unau- twicc-convcted felon intended to forge some checks,
thorized long-distance calls you've made from your why on earth would he choose to write them on the
office, just for starters, could get you thrce years. RepuhlicBank Dallas, when in Texas any third felony at
In fact, the average American is much more likely to go aU can get him a life term '

to prison than to travel to South America, and likelier to be picking cotton and building
murdered behind bars than to win a million dollars in a culverts?
.
nson
. .
Is ii e . .
. ,i:

lottery. Better to consider what's iii store right now than to Minnesota, on the other summer camp :

come to your senses too latecuffed to a guard in the hack hand, practically invites
oía Chevy van in South Carolina, heading for the Parris criminals to plan ahead.
except the -

Island Marine Corps prisonwhen your crics ("Wait! The state's system of "sen- government
Thercc been a
terrible mistake!") will only make it worse. tencing guidelines," which picks up the
Rudimentary prefelony planning can mean the dii- went into effect several
ference between a passable prison stint and a nightmare. years ago, reeks of Scan-
b' .
..

Most criminals arc hotheads or dummies or both. This is dinavian reasonableness. .

where you haue an advantage'. Most criminals imaginc, Before he ever saws off his .
:

with the blind faith of high-stakes gamblers, that they shotgun or interviews get-
will never be caught. The down-side risk of committing away-driver applicants, a . --
:- ,... .

a crimeprisonhardly figures into their calculations. Minnesoti outhw cn con Ç '.

Instead, crimes tend to be impulsive fast breaks. Crimi- suit a handy chart published -.

nal blueprints are seldom more detailed than "(1) Wave by state authorities and fig-
gun; (2) Take money; (3) Cet away quick." A pay, since ure out his likely sentence. 'i: '

it is in choosing his particular crime and where to corn- The chart is a grid. Using it
S.-Y_
'it .

mit it that the perpetrator coul(I exercise the grcatcst is hardly more complicated t.. .. ' ..

control over his prison future. tItan finding the distance between two cities on a mue-
r--' -:..-
Architecture .. ..' : -.. ... -
age chart. Along the vertical axis, crimes are lumped
into ten categories according to seriousness, with mur-
der at the bottom. The horizontal axis provides for a
buffs think criminal-history score. Where the lines meet is the pris-
Leavenworth on sentence. Lct your fingers do the litigating. A fresh
burglary after two earlier convictions: 18 months' pro-
is topsthe bation. Armed robbery but an otherwise clean recnrd
big rotunda twoyearsinjail. Spending time
and polished Minnesota also has a nice variety ofprisons. It is reas-
behind bars may
suring to know that there are alternatives. Every crook
brass are in Mississippi, by contrast, faces the grim certainty that seem unlikely.
spiffy! he will wind up in the little town ofParchman, where
the state puts just about everybody, in one enormous But that's what
penitentiary. Up the river in genial Minnesota, you Dennis Levine and
might do that kind ofclassic hard time at the Stiilwatcr
penitentiary, hut with luck you will be checked into the Carl Andre
sleek, energy-efficient bunkers in Oak Park Heights, a
cluster of 52-man penal condos with automatic doors, and Oliver North
interesting angles and lots ofvideodeviccs. And for just thought too. And
FOR ANY WOULD-BE IN- 60 lucky stiffs in Minnesota there is a minimum-security
mate, some fundamental glade called Willow River Camp. It costs the state about what if they
"WHERE choices are obvious. Most $500 a week per prisoner, everything included.
S HOULD I states are softer on nonvio- So choose jurisdictions carefully. New York, for in-
decided to lock up
COMMIT MY lent thieves than on armed stance, has two bona fide icons (Attica and Sing Sing) all agnostics?
muggers. At last count in and more than a score ofother full-fledged men's pris-
CRIMES?» Utah and Arkansas, how- ons. But ifall you want is the widest possible range of 0 everyone who
ever, almost two-thirds of destinations, the trick is to commit an unequivocally
Iche inmates had been arrested for committing property scored over 600
federal crime, such as violating securities law or denting
crimes such as burglary and auto theft. With this in an MX nose cone or selling mink-spit-based cancer On their SATs
M.\R1}1 ]'S2SPY
¿w

curcs through the mail. Thc fcdcral government oper-
ates no fewer thaiì 43 prisons. from concrete-block bun-
galows in the country io downwwn skyscrapers. (That's
not even counting the Air Force's 332Ot1 Correction and
Rehabilitation Squadronsuch a terrific premise for a
Bill Murray movieand che dozens of other brins and
"confinement facilities" where servicemen arc kcpt.)
You coutd do t lot worse than to l)U1l 18 months for
ctnbczzlcmcnt at one of the six federal prison camps.
i'hcy resemble rural Biblccolkgcs,and huggery is often
flot compulsory.
WnIIIN ANY ONE STATE.
and even within the orderly
"WHICH federal system, prisons arc
PRISONS ARE idiosyncratic, each witlt its
THE MOST peculiar rites and special
emotional tenor. ( encral-
F 'J N ' ' '
I I
.
izations arc risky. Sure, all
pris1 otlicials seem to have
uncommonly wonderful names( ecil, Vi rgil . Vernon,
Bud. And frown a distance. prison is reminiscent olsum-
mer campj lonely and boring and overschcdulcd: swim
at I I :00 a.m., cat potatoes at I 2:30 p.m., lights out at
10:00 p.m. (Indeed, going to summer cams
COStS about the saine, generally Ectwcen $20() and $4(I(
weekonly with prison, of course, the governincut
picks up the tab.)
But the subtlest dilfcrcnccs between lrisos loom
large once you're on the inside. So while it rnake sense
to plan crimes by taking into account general factors,
such as a state's sentencing severity and its diversity of
the really ambitious inmate will also aim to get
into a particular institution.
voluntary. For instance, the ACA says that prison cells
should all be singles and under no circumstances smaller
than 60 square feet, hut your chances ofsnagging such a
cell are uncertain. And it won't improve your lot if, in
your disappointment, you wave the AC, standards
manual and threaten the warden and guards witI tiisci-
pliiiary proceedings.
IN TEXAS. V1tIClI lIAS
3(,682 people in )risn, the
l)epartment of Corrections "WILL I
has had tO jam thousands of GET ALONG
tT)Cfl into ratty can'as-and-
plywood tents. l)espite the
W H MY
attraction of sharing confi- C ELLMATES "
(ICflC('% with r(x)tnn)ates,
ho'cvcr, OU will (lefluitely wahl assigniuclit to a
ot where (IOUI)k 1fl(l triple OCCUflC is not Part 01 the
deal. Ccli sizes can vary twofold within one prison.
You will 1robably not he allowed to select your (dl-
mate; prisons have yet to iluplclnent questionnaires
("Snwking o nonsmoking? Pic/èr show I:4ncs, hip-hop or
horridgru:ing wics?") as a means ofmaking congenial
niatehes. I k will prol)aL)ly 1x young (the average age is
28 in state prisons, in federal priso,$), and lie will
prol)ztl)ly l)e %vhitc. In a(ldition to older inmates, federal
II)Sarc apt to have, in the words ofone lrtncr Leaven-
worth warden, "a much higher class of criminal." But
again, the demographics vary wildly from prison to pris-
on, and in the few federal jointssuch as Manhattan's
high-rise Metropolitan Correccional Center, convenient
to Wall Street and the fashionable shops and restaurants
of TriBeCathere are lxth hit men and niere
emhc7.zlers. I

Which one 'ihat (lepends on you. 1-listone -preserva- Although federal facili-
tion buffs might find the federal peltitciltiary at Leaven-
. . .
ties in getterai arc tess vto
]
Commuta
worth appealing: the 9()-year-old building has a lent, a corresl)on(ldnt ot federal crime,
gorgeous Victorian-style row n(lathc Big i paiid ours in protective custody at such as
polished brass fittings everywhere. Yet Leavenworth is a North Carolina Irisotl
never quiet. In Illinois, Stateville has intriguing hospital ("'lhere are very denting an MX
round cellblocks based on a design by the philosopher (langerons hiers here who nose cone or
J crcmy Bentham, and what's iiiorc, the authorities there will kill anyone") disabused selling mink-
have been great about granting tune ofi for good behav- us ol the notion that federal
tor. On the other hand, your chaitces of dying while pris1ers have it easy. «III spit-based
accumulating all those bonus (lays are i'y high. In was stabbed seven times in .
cancer cures.
Texas the lod is fresh and plentiful, but that's because the IdI lung and stomach,"
tnost oit is raised by prior1ers on prison farms, asul new I1(writes Irom North Caro-
inmates are first assigned to hot, (lusty fieldwork. It all I iiì:i, "via an unkno%%'n in-
(k1)et)(l% on the trade-offs you're willing to accept. Flor- mate in Atlanta Fed. Pen
ida has a íicility that was called the Niccvillc Roa(l Pris- 1976. . . . In 1962 in a Penna.
on; in Texas there is a prison itamed Jestcr and in both Fe(l. prison I was beat badly
states tanning opportunities are great. But Florida ac- with a i-foot I()?t :C tija ¡n-
counts for more inrnatc ¿caths than any oilier state, and lizuic. In 1971 was beat bad- -
almost noL)ody escapes from prison in Thxas. and knocked out via inmate Fed. . Kans.
Most I)risOn guards do get their kicks from comrot.
FoKTt:NiII.Y, ii lEItE ARE With any luck, however, tite guards' scrutiny will cx-
objective criteria that can tend to that inmate who is itching to kill you because
help. Sincethe 1970s, the you creased his Richie Rich comic book. 'huic prisiiis
"HOW CAN American Correctional As- that hop, such as San Quentin (where you can make
I LEARN sociation (AC,), a trade out with your visitors), or Stateville in Illinois (where
MORE" group for prison officials, you can paint murals on corridor walls). are usually
has published a I)aPr1)ack tiiorc dangerous. In 1984 in San Quentin, 9 out of
manual ofprccisc stan(lar(ls 3,500 inmates were murdered; the next year in Texas,
()r prisons. Unfortunately, adhcrence to the standards is where there are IO times as many inmates, there were

20 SPY MARCH 1987

 only two and i haII'tiincs as many homicidcs. You ongh
to try U) get mt() .1 prison that's run as much as possihk
LIFE-STYLE by the hook.

BEHIND BARS: Mosr PKISONSTI IFSE DAYS

let you write and phone
«WHAT IF whomever you want,
FIVE HANDY PRISON TIPS though Florida officials
I GET read outgoing mail to ccn-
LONELY. . ." sor "inaccurate statements
that arc ifltCfl(lCd for dcî-
mation of character with-
out causc." At the Dwight womcns prison in Illinois.
inmates can h.tvc visitors twice a wcck and chat with
111(1 touch as many as six for six hours at a time. At

(Ile Ellis prison in Texas

there is no touching, cvcr.
An inmate in Florida is The good news:
Author-lecturer-wiretapper G. Gordon Liddy
spent over four years in prison for his Water-
routinely allowed just one ¡fl Texas there
visit a week, only on week-
gate crimes. Incarceration is, he says, "an oc- ¡ a prison
cupational hazard." During those years, he Cfl(I5 and only by a family
spent time in nine facilities all over the coun- member. Further, for named Jester.
try. Liddy recently spoke to srr from Scotts- women visiting the Florida The bad news:
dale, Arizona, and offered would-be jailbirds Statc Prison, the rule sheet
the following advice. warns that "cxtrcmcly short
almost nobody
skirts are not considered escapes.
ON Su1vIvINt; appropriate dress," afl(I if a
,1

Learn how to keep your mouth shut. Opening guard tkcidcs a skirt is slat-
your mouthor someone else opening his
ternly, the visitor will be of-
mouthprobably got you in trouble in the first
place, so you should hove figured this one out fcrcd a gown to wear during
by now. the visit. Conjugal visits are
permitted, typicaily once or
Learn how to fight, if you haven't already. But
twice a year, in about a doz-
bear in mind:
There's no such thing os a fair fight in prison. en states.
Anything you can find handy to use as a
weapon, use it on him before he uses it on you. EscAPI IS NOT S) FAR-
For example, the ringer handle on top of a fetched as you probably
wash bucket is an excellent weapon. If there's imagine. About I in 1(K)
nothing ovailoble, try a backhand blow across American inmates breaks
the windpipe, which couses it to swell and 'I. OR FEEL
every ycar. If that op-
choke the individual. COOPED UP».
tion Is important to you,
Never trust any guard, and that means every- Tennessee and North Caro-
one from the lowest rookie to the worden. lina arc go()(l bets in the
South, as arc Massachusetts, New l-lampshirc and Ver-
ON RELATIONSH Ii's mont LII) north. During OflC recent year, 30 of Vermont's
There's no difference inside prison, except the 579 prisoiicrs ¡nade it over the wall.
factor of confinement accelerates the develop-
ment of interpersonal relations to a remark-
IN F.'RY l'RISON i.AKI)IR.
able degreegood or bad. lt might take three
months for a situation to reach flash point out- it seems, there's plenty of
side of prison. Inside, that same situation white hoininy in cans (six
might reach flash point in one day. The prob- pounds nine ounces) the ", OR
tern must also be resolved that day, or one of size of artillery pieces.
you won't wake up in the morning. Bowls aIUCI dishes are called
HUNGRY»
serving ware, a lot of it
ON ENrEI1A1Nl'Ii-:N'1 rna(le ofgrccn or Ian plastic
You are allowed to purchase a small AMJFM reinforced with ClU)p)C(l cotton cloth. At best, irisn
radio from the commissary. You can have that
food is extremely hearty. Texas prisons, with their
on, but my advice to you is to keep it low so you
I(K),0(N) acres of farmland, may provide thi.- heartiest
don't disturb the others. They will not appreci-
ate it if you don't If the fellow you annoy is a ofall. ( )nc day not long ago you could have caten
tiI(flUS

lifer, he might ask you to turn it down the first
time. The next time, he will throw the radio off
the tier. The third time, he will throw you off
the tier.
oatmeal with arm cane syrup, stewed fruit, ham an(l
eggs, Salisbury steak wiLli gravy, mashed potatoes, spin-
ach, pinto beans, corn, beet salad, chccsc, cobbler, corn
bread and hot rolls, soup, a cheeseburger, frics. mustard
greens, sauerkraut and cake.

MARCh 19$7 SPY 2!

 You wiii. PROBABLY NOT
be abk Lo earn a good liv-
¡ng in prison, but working
g,. OR is cncouragcd. Thc pay
BORED?» ranges from about $1.50 an
hour to nothing. At Leav-
cnworth, inmate computer
operators tackle data-pro-
cessing projects for the federal bureaucracy or make bu-
rcaucrat's furniture. In Texas a particularly coveted job
in Huntsville is cleaning the corrections commissioner's
spittoon. Honest.
Or you can go to school. A large fraction of prisons
have arranged for local colleges to hold classes for in-
mates. A favorite ofours was at Dwight in Illinois: Soci-
ology 250, Criminology. There is, in fact, plenty to do in
prison. StaccvilLc prisoners have performed Micter Rob-
erts, with an almost all-black cast. There are libraries:
Dwight's has No Escape From Love, by Barbara Cart-
land, and Anthony Adt'crsc; Stateville's includes biogra-
phies of Bing Crosby and Leon Trotsky. Prisons show a
lot of movies, mostly violent adventures. There are ea-
ger-beaver prison chapters of the Junior Chamber of
Commerce, proving that even behind prison walls, the
indomitable human spirit is undaunted in its hunger for
golf anecdotes and tips on being a toastmaster.
Where should you go to prison? Federal, minimum
probably the only prudent all-purpose an-
security, is
swer. Otherwise, a woman might do well to shoot for
the Purdy Correction Center in Gig Harbor, Washing-
ton, on Puget Sound. For the sports-minded fellow who
would like to Spefl(l time outdoors getting in shape,
California's small forestry camp near San Luis Obispo
sounds swell.
On the other hand, beating up a couple oftourists and
doing time on St. Croix, in the U.S. Virgin Islands, has a
demented, dreamy allure. Serving the 18 months in
Golden Grove prison? The marriagc ofheaven and hell
might be irresistible. )
TAKING THE FIFTH
£ Ç ) y 'ir
k)
A Wallet-Size ReninderJòr
Witnesses Appearing Before Congressional
Co,nmiztecs and Grand Juries
I- - - THEYSAY:
- - - - .-:3x
I u
"Mr. North/Ms. Mycrsonl
I YOUR NAME HCRC
iust what do you know about improper arms
I
sales to Iran I your boyfriend's iax evasion I
I
YOUR SCAHDAL HIRE
I I
You SAY:
I I
I
"° theadyjce'óî cou;el, I exercise my right
I
under the Fifth Aincn4mcnt to the Constitution
I
and (leclinc to answcrnthc grounds that my
I testimony might rendioiiicriminate me."
I_ _ _ _ _ _ - - - - - - - - - - I
22 SPY MARCH 1987
WHO'S
Rep rese n ting
WHOM:
WallStreet'sPost-BoeskyScrambleforCriminalLawycrs
On Monday morning, November 17, the customary phalatìx ofinvcstmcnt bankers,
traders, financiers and arbitrageurs funneled in to work. They were clothed in their
Paul Stuart gray flannel suits and lightly starched white shirts, braced by the favored
yellow suspendcrs, comforted by the familiar Hermès tic and cap-toe oxford shoes,
shaved and after-shaved, their hair still damp from the morning shower. Or perhaps,
on this I)articular (lay, with sweat.
lt was the first business day alter Ivan Boesky, betrayed
by his former confidant Dennis Levine, had announced he
would plead guilty to one felony count of insider trading
and pay the SEC $100 million. Ifyou had known Boesky
and everyonc knew Bocskyyou had to worry that he'd
implicated you in return for such a trifling penalty. Who
knows what outlandish, unfounded allegations he might
have made? lt was important to remain calm in the pres-
ence olco-workers (that's what you're supposed to do when disaster strikesremain
calm), hut as soon as possible you called for help.
At the other end ofthe telephone lines were New York's
best white-coLlar criminal-defense lawyers. A clannish
group consisting largely of former federal prosecutors, they
are accustomed to representing the disgraced powerful: the
same (IOZCfl lawyers turn tiF) with all the big clients in im-
broglios such as the Marc Rich tax scandal and the E. E
Hutton check-kiting snafu. These specialists refer to one
another, with outworn irony, as "the usual suspects."
All the usual suspects and perhaps a dozen lesser lights
received phone calls, some within 48 hours of Bocsky's mea culpa. "It was a very heady
atmosphere," says Charles Stiilman ofStillman, Friedman & Shaw. "lt was insanity,"
says John Tiguc of Kostelanetz & Ritholz, who estimates that "50 important people
called lawyers, as well as 100 others who didn't know what they were talking about."
Between those who knew they were in trouble and those foolishly nervous because
they once owned the same stock as Bocsky, there was a middle category of those who
wanted to reserve a good lawyer in case the investigation wandered their way. (This is
a practice skittish businessmen usually employ with takeover lawyers such as Joseph
Flom or Martin Lipton: Here's a lo: ofmoncy, be ready ¡fi ticed you.)
As Charles Stiliman, who is representing a possible insider-trading indictee, says,
"The simple lesson is, when in doubtand I'm not trying to sell my services hereget
I
a lawyer." Adds Don Buchwald of Buchwald & Kaufman, who will not say whether
his firm is representing someone: "Ilyou get a subpoena, the only reason not to speak
to a lawyer is ifyou can't afford one." At between $200 and 5450 an hour, fees mount,
but as Stillman points out, "The people you're helping are n a position, fortunately, to
pay." Robert Morvillo ofObermaier, Morvillo & Ahramowitz, whose firm is waiting
until the dust settles to decide which of a half dozen importunate businessmen to
represent, says, "If you really want to be crass about it, this is going to be a very
lucrative time for people in the white-collar area."
But the callers found it wasn't so easy to find a lawyer to whom they could start
I anteing. First, there aren't many good white-collar attorneys. Second, white-collar
suspects aren't usually recidivists, so they don't know whom to call: the first lawyer
they try may already have a client, or a conflict of interest. Given all the ongoing SEC
investigations, conflicts are common. Solo practitioner Andrew Lawler says, "lt's hard
to tell whether I was conflicted. . . . I wasn't sure what was connected with what, what
was 'Yuppiescam' and what was Dennis Levine." Arthur Liman of Paul, Weiss, Rif-
kind, Wharton & Garrison, the dean ofwhite-collar dc- One lawyer says is planning to "flip" (cooperate with the government in
fcnsc lawyers, raised cycbrows when he became one of return for leniency), he'll tell the others, so they can flip
at least three lawyers representing Michael Milken, the he "turned away their clients too.
subpoenaed Drexel Burnham Lambert unk bond king. a couple of It is curiously fitting that lawyers share information
Liman represented Levine, and if Levine fingered Mil- to save the men who shared information to profit. The
ken to the SEC, Liman would be representing both the smallfry" before
(liffcrcnces: the lawyers do it legally, and they don't be-
accuser and the accused. That would be your basic con- agreeing to tray one another. When betrayal comes, it will come
flict of interest. A lawyer in a position to know reports from their clients. "Sometimes Ithe clicntsj get all ex-
that Paul, Weiss called Grand & Ostrow to ask if they
represent
cited to keep up with you after jthe trialj," says Andrew
would escort Levine into the prosecutor's office for ap- someone i-elated Iawlcr, "but you usually go out to dinner once and then
pearance' sake. Grand & Ostrow, says the lawyer, re- to the people who it fades away." Another lawyer concludes wistfully,
fused. (Liman and his partner, Martin Flumenbaum, ', During the time they fleed you, they need you quite
did not return phone calls.) control Drexel" badly. But even if you stop the government cold and
Another difficulty in finding a lawyer is that some- the kind of avoidan indictmcnt,you're partofthebad memory, and
times they don't want to be found. A lawyer at one of the they don't ever want to see you again."
firms representing top l)rexel executives (although client "who's going After the final act of absolution, paying the lawyer's
Drexel is being represented by Cahill Gordon & Rein- to put my fees, the apostles of Wall Street ust want to return to
dcl, its regular counsel, Drexel employees have separate- work on a Monday morning, wearing the familiar Paul
ly engaged at least seven other firms) says, "You don't kids through Stuart gray flannel suit, their hair still (lamp from the
want to end up representing a lower-level person who's medical school" morning shower. Tad Friend
going to get immunity or get right out of the case. You
tose the action and the financial gain." In other words,
the bigger the crook, the more attractive he is as a client.
John Tigue says he knows one lawyer who turned down
arbitrage broker Boyd Jefferies, whose firm was subpoc-
naed, because "it appeared hc didn't have much of a
problem." Tigue says his own firm "turned away a cou-
pIe ofsmall fry," "peanuts" who wouldn't have brought
in much more than a S5,000 retainer, before it agreed to
represent "someone related to the people who control
Drexel," the sort of client "who's going to put my kids
through medical school."
Artful phrases like a person related to the peopk who
control Drexel are part of a lawyer's lexicon, crafted to
discourage reporters and other busybodies. (They don't
say, "Sheesh, I've never seen anyone in as much trouble as
my client Fred Mcrtz." And they always refer to crimes
as "small problems.") The lawyers are paid to keep their
clients frccandout ofthe news: ifthcclicnt is not indict-
ed, no one need ever know he came darn close.
Thus an elaborate dance began on November 14 and
continues: the clients who don't want anyone to know
they have a lawyer are still circling lawyers who don't
necessarily want them. Add to these difficulties thc dc-
lay in further indictments, and reports that Bocsky was
taping his conversations for the government, and you MIRROR NEOPHILE
have the necessary conditions for acute paranoia. "These TEASET - PAGE/THORBECK
guys aren't murderers and rapists," says Charles Still- CANDELABRA-JERRYKOTT
;
VASE/CANDLEHOLDER THOMAS MARKUSEN
man, "but they're in the worst situation oftheir lives,
and they're distraught." What they want in a lawyer is
not a mouthpiece but an earpiece. 'Wc listen and we ALTERNATIVE BRIDAL REGISTRY
comfort," Stillman says. A lot of what we do is he(lside
manner"
In ad(lition to soothing words, clients want to hear
whether to sit tight or to meet with the SEC in hopes of
H:
ad(lressing their . . . small problem. Their lawyers need
information before they can counsel, and they usually
get it from other lawyers. "You can pool information
about where the government is going and what it's look-
ing for," says Andrew Lawler, "but it's got to be a two-
way street. You have to be prepared to give as well as r
HI9EI8'1UPE& ¡1G
get." One lawyer says the professionals trust one another ,
AMERICAN CRAFTS FOR URBAN LIVING
("these guys are best friends") and will try to present a
solid front against the government. lione lawyer's client
4# 1351 THIRDAVENUE NEW YORK N Y 10021 212 249 8310

spy
 Hair
Ears
Ford, in his one recorded
Reagan claims ro have suffered a hearing loss during tizefilming of diplay of wit, described this as
a n?ovica gun. hc says. we,,, off:oo close to his head (bui then, hc . prcniaturely ora?igc. Reagan
also clainic thai apartheid ¡n South Africa has been all bui ebminat- damit isot to dye it-but the:,. he
cd). Sonic doctors haue disrnised this gun sioiy as another prcíiden- -
also claims he uui; 't .cu'apping
tial tall tale. since failing heaiing i; norma/fur a man of 76. lIc armsfor hostages. Though the basic
bcgan wearing a hearing aid in his right car in 1983. lt uc into this hairstyle hasn 't changed for half a
cui; one year later. that Nancyfrd him a line tofend offa rcporicrs ccntuiy, the pompadow; which
qucstion about arms control. (Hc stood thcrc helpiesslyfor sccondc, (,pice gave the head a violently
shrugging and grunting, unii! she instructed him to sa "I)oing asymmetrical shape, has been
everything we can.") When asked about his hearing. Reagan in- ,nodfied over the years. Note the
variably quips, "What?" The cars themselves arc unrcmar/abIc, if unnaturally low hairline.
a bit large.
Eyes
Nose
These are often closed, since Rea-
The neu's that a basal-cell carcinoma had been rcmot'edfrom the gan '5 aides frei no obligation to
right side ofihe presidential nose in July ¡985 ww withheld froni
iiake him during major interna-
the publicfor several days on order ofthefirst lady, who has been
tional ciises and hcfeels no need to
eager to control thepublic's knowkdge ofkeagan 's health. He later
stay awake during Cabine: meet-
reftrred to the cancerous bump as "my littlefriend that I had played
¡ng:. The eyes have been knou'i, to
with," explaining that he had brought the trouble on himself 'i shut without warning. as they did
.',..'
pic/«'d at it and I squoze it." More proboscis cancer us removed during his 1982 tête-a-tête with the
.
ten wceis late,:
pope, resulting in an unseemly jera-
Cheeks ing forward of the head. When
open, the eyes are carefully crinkled
Despite his uncannily ruddy cheeks, Reagan claims that he never to convey the warmth that Amen-
wears makeup on TV. He even claims never to have u.rn it in any cansfind so comforting. When that
ofhis movies (but then, he also claims that submarine-launched grandfatherly crinkle goes away.
nuclear warheads can be calledback after they've been fired,). like n'ben a reporter asks a tough
question during a photo opportuni-
'y' the president is revealed as an
angry old iguana.
This is often seen wide open, aspan ofa head-thrown-back expres-
sion offr:gaed helpless laughter. 0:/icr familiar mouth positions Neck
include the witless "Do I look like an idiot" grin and the stern "I '
mean busines" frown. This latter, macho pose is undercut by a Though Reagan's fundamental
certain comic prissiness, the result of the president's virtual
liplessness.
: persona is that of an enormous
Child, each ofhis 76years/zasleft its
nzark clearly in this vast expanse of
wattles.

Left Lung
Even with a .22 caliber bullet
lodged here, Reagan just couldn 't
stop telling those stupid jokes.

y
, ---
. ç«j
Chest and Shoulders
.
The cartoonish overdevelopment of
this arca 'perhaps the result of a
bulletproof vest) makes the head
LJ
secmfar too smallexactly the op-
posite of Nancy's problem.

s
 £
;;( hf/h ETorso

ith ihc 1/abt;; pusc tier

PIUI1O?l (t

ruics the vey ,cu1 Ms1b:l1rv that

\
,
,-
T
.
(
Arms
¡he pteidr,: teu,s a gird/c.
\ These gol a wor/o:a in Fcbua,y ¡984 u'hcn ¡he prci:dcn:, am,
. -.

enis I
wrestling with a bodybuilder. posed for photographers while an
Ile ha twice had a tubr :ncc,'wd up
I
..- -- - aide in ihr next room bricfed reporters about ihr withdrawal of
h, urethra (a piorcdure' he r«cnth' J U.S. Marine, from Lebanon.
/
iefesred to ai "a b,ccze") so ,educr
the izr of his cnlargcd pi ouate / Hands
/
gland. IVhcn u ploslulr opelation
/ Theic arefrequrutly seen pointing at the ears n'bile Reagan wal/js

//
gtw' peiforrned in Junuar /w rc to orfron a hc/zcop:eragesturc that sayi. Gee. (dias. I'd love to
¡O?lCdI) purd h time ¡n the laos- answer your qucstlons, but I cant hear you causc oíthc noisc
puai wiling "uo1og:caIjocí."
-
/ -ir from that darn chopper. The handc arc also usefulfor uving
;omcthing the prcsidcnt loves to doandfor holding the three-by-
_L___ .- five cue cards he wec even during one-on-one contiersanons with
world leaders.
:

,
Thumb -.-
-
'b
.

According lo one ofhisfavorite anecdotes. Reagan

carving the Than4cgiving turkey _ one year
._-. - f q
Ukif

wile,, he noticed blood. Hefirsi thought that maybe -

\
the bird ws undercooked, but then he realized that
he'd sliced open his own thumb with the knife. .
While addressing a group of White I/once photog-
raphers in 19tH. he ¡iuerted his thumbs into his ears
¡ and u'sggled his fingers. explaining that this was
:
w
hed "been i1'aiting years to do."
rr:: Keister ____--
I ;

'\*Wm
Colon -'r .-,
t
Sofar. twufeet of:t have been remog'ed, along with ,/' .

rl
z really didn t have cancer. The polyp had
.__d______v
r;i_1
- eres
5

L '::
1:

These :ixre cut offal the knees by an evil doctor in

the 1942 movie Kings Row. When Reagan's char-
'(
w EREST'
acter. !)ra/çe McHugh. woke up and noticed that
thcyaircgonc,hçcreamed,'Whcrcitherest of f
r:iì1 \L
the delight of/tis detractors, he chose it ai the title of
hs autobiography Reagan claims that Kings Row j .
O e
often turni up on cillics all time ten best lisis (but
then _ he alio claini that Nazi __ ioldiers ivere vsaim _
izedin World War/i ')ustassurclya/'Jea's). ,
j: B)I)Y
-
BY I:UI. SL:\SKY
:. . -- _
i

A SPY THE SEX'

FOLDOUT
THE SCANDALS!
FEATU RE

.'-
*1
THE AWKWARD PROSE!

JOHN PHIWPS
1 VOLUNTEERED NY 800V AS
A HL/MAN TEST TUIS.' STARS ARE ALL TOO WILLING TO SHARE

THEIR LIFE STORIES, BUT WHO REALLY WANTS

TO READ THEM? JAMIE MALANOWSKI

VOLUNTARILY WADED THROUGH A DOZEN

RECENT TELL-AILS TO PRODUCE

OUR FIRST CELEBRITY MEMOIR CHART

26 SPY MARCH 1987

 TIMES
fit was drama that flourished. In the Victorian era, it was the
f novel. In the Reagan decade, it is the celebrity tell-all book.
Make no mistake: we are living in a golden age.
NO ONE KNOWS exactly who invented the celebrity auto-
biography. lt may have been Benjamin Franklin, in between devising bifocals and
discovering electricity. His is not what we would consider a good celebrity autobiogra-
phy by modern standards. He fails to mention, let alone rate, any of
his sexual partners, nor does he tell us what substances he abused
and why he regrets it today. He doesn't discuss nude scenes, the studio
system, the loneliness ofgoing on the road. He makes no mention of
the late Lee Strasbcrg or the late Vince Lombardi. lt's merely a
rather tedious excursion into the mind of a Founding Father, and
unfortunately for us, it set the pattcrn for the next 200 years.
THE MAN who's generally credited with
*
turning everything around (unless you credit Adolf Hitler, whose
Mein Kampf was certainly filled with thc requisite amount of
screwy self-justification) is Jim Bouton, the former baseball player.
His Ball Four (1970) showed that a man need not have done any-
thing exceptional in order to write a best-selling autobiography. [n
fact, Bouton proved that a man could be a washed-up reliefpitcher on an cxpansion GC&31Y KIRKLANO-.
"g HAD UY IARLOJIS
team, a genuine has-been, a real and true bum, and still write a best-seller, provided he SNiPPED OFF.
was willing to discuss sexual peccadilloes and drug usc and generally expose himself
and his colleagues to public derision. Billions of dollars had been spent teaching
Americans to read, yet many Citizens never used the skill for anything more compli-
cated than CLOSE COVER BEFORE STRIKING. Now there was a book to fill the void.
ARE THERE ANY ground rules governing who can write a
celebrity tell-all book? One rule oíthumh is that you have to be out ofyour teens. If
you are a teenager, however, take heart: you really don't havc to do anything but
survive until you are 25, and then you can write about how your career was destroyed
by unscrupulous managers. Ofcoursc, ifyou can't wait that long to put pen to paper,
you can write a beauty book.
BEYOND THAT, there arc few rules. Malcolm Cowley, Lee
lacocca, Conway Twitty, it's all the same to us. If somehow you made the cover of
TINA TURNER:
People magazine, so much the better. Don't worry ifit was for committing a crime. It's ¡Kf FORCED HOER TO EAT

nice (but by no means necessary) if you've (lone something beneficial for mankind; POUND CAKE.

and if along the way you haven't embarrassed or defeated some moderately well
known person whom you can turn into the villain ofthe piece, you might try to do so
before contacting a publisher. Or perhaps the book itself will take care of that.
DO YOU HAVE to be "hot" to get published? Not at all,
although there is a relationship between how long you've been out ofthe limelight and
how much dirt you have to dish out. Ifyou're hot, all you have to do is talk in the most
general terms about your divorce, how much you miss your kids, how much you like
*
working with famous people and what it all means. If CHARLES MANSON:
7H1
you're not so hot, you'd better tell whether it was you or ICILL HiM' WAS
SAID 1P4 JfSE'

r
.,
your spouse who cheated and with whom, how disappoint-
cd you were when you had to put your kids in the Betty
Ford Center, how little you enjoyed working with famous
. people, and that the only thing that matters is to triumph,
.
4 with GOd'S help, n the end.
DOES WRITING your own story guarantee you immortal-
ity? Absolutely. Consider these examples: My Lfe as a
Small 8oy, by Wally Cox; Treasure in Clay: The Autobiogra- NIXON
. phy ofFulton J. Sheen ; Events Leading Up to the Comedy: An
! Autobiography, by Elliott Nugent; and Ed Wynn's Son, by
Keenan Wynn. 'I'he problem with celebrity biographies is that there are so many. Not
even the most depraved reader can possibly keep up. Therefore, spy has developed a
\ If (

directory of23 Fundamental Features ofcelebrity tell-all books. You will discover, as
we did, that it is in this highly distilled form that the lives of the renowned and
insignificant can be most clearly glimpsed. Our college-trained researchers have re-
duced a dozen current offerings to these naked essentials.
YOU SAVE TIME, but also hard cash: A bookstore would
ask you to pay $2l2.40 plus tax for the l2 books condensed here. Cost ofspy: an
insignificant $2.50. Savings to you: an incredible $209.90.

MARCH 1987 SPY 27

*:
Telling DREAMGIRL: M PAT NIXON: RocK HUDSON: CoNFEssIoNs OF
LIFE AS A SUPREME THE UNTOLD STORY His STORY A PARISH PRIEST
by Julie Nixon Eisenhoweii by Rock Hudson by Andrew M. Greeley;
ItA li_ by Ma;y Wilson;
St. Martin's Press, $16.95; Simon and Schuste,; $19. 95; and Sara Davidson; Simon and Schuster, $18.95;
292 pages 463 pages Morrow, $16.95; 507 pages
311 pages

Named after one of her fathcrs old
girlfriends. Mary never changed her
name, but Diane Ross became Diana
in 1965.
Born Thetma Catherine Ryan. Nick- Born Roy Scherer Jr., but when his His nickname is Greets.
named Babe. She changed her name mother remarried, he was adopted by
stepfather and renamed Roy Fitzger-
in 1931 after her father died, because
aid. His stage name was dreamed up
"Patricia was Ihisi favorite name. . . . I
was his 'St. Patrick's Babe in the either by first agent Henry Wilison or
morning." Richard Nixonliked to call by a bunch ofguys he hungout with in
herMissVagabondand his'lrishGypsy." Long Beach, California.

Dad did time in prison. After he garn- Her father was a sailor, a miner and Ile and his parents lived with grand- ,. 'We lost everything in the Crash.'"
FAMILY bled away the family's moncy in Chi- finally a farmer who became known parents during the Depression: eleven His sister, Mary Jule, is called Juice,
cago, Mary's aunt and uncle from as "the cabbage king" because he people in a one-bedroom house. "even by her husband, the incompara-
BACKGROUND Detroit took her in. raised the biggest and best cabbage for Rock's stepfather beat him. A man bic Jack Durkin, one ofthe most 'fun'
SCANDAL miles around. had sexual relations with Rock when human beings I have ever been privi-
he was nine.

One. Pedro Ferrer, now ex.
One. Richard Nixon: "He felt in love
with her that Ifirsti night. Although
not usually impulsive, he said . ..,
'You may not believe this but I am go-
ing to marry you someday.'"
One. Phyllis Gates, his agent's secre- One. The Church.
tary; divorced within two years. Con-
troversy still rages over whether it was
a marriage of convenience or affcc-
tion, or both. Rumors of marriage to
Jim Nabors denied.

Four. Adopted son Willie, who is her Two. Patricia ("Tricia") and Julie. None. Seven dogs, however.
Kl DS
cousin Christine's eldest child; daugh-
ter Turkessa, sons Pedro Jr. and Rafael.

First (unconsummated) experience
was in high school with Jimmy Abner.
"Sensing my unease, Jimmy slowly
undressed me. ..before I knew it
Jimmy's strong body was on top of
mine . . . where were the shooting stars
I'd heard abouti' . . . We broke up soon
after."
In high school she became engaged
to Ronnie Hammers. "We did 'what-
ever' right away."
Aller the Suprernes became Sees
FEELINGS ABOUT
NUDE SCENES
Working in the tubercular ward of a
New York hospital in the early l930s,
Pat wrote to her brother, "My Aunts
think the doctors and some ofthe leI-
lows t go with are grandbut I don't
care so much about even going out
with them.They say l'il be a nun yet....
For their honeymoon the Nixons
went on a driving trip to Mexico. By
eating canned goods for breakfast and
lunch, they kept the cost of the trip
down to $178.
When her hairdresser offered to help
Pat undress, she said, '0h, no thank
you, Judy. I have to keep doing things
for myself."
Rock's steady lovers included radio
prod1ucer Ken Hodge ("the essence of'
sophistication"); Jack Navaar ("lean
and fit with blond wavy hair"); a
short, paunchy, married studio execu-
tive who helped Rock keep his first
big role in Magn«Icent Obsession; TV
extra Lee Garlington ("tall and
blond," one of the only people Rock
says he truly loved); Jack Coates
("tanned, blond, sun-washed"); Tota
Clark ; Jim Gagner See O
Rock admitted to a movie magazine
that he slept in the nude.
'God, to use the language it took me
decades to discover, is the only lover
who possesses the perfection of pas-
sion and excitement of first love in
summer."
"As Father Jaimie Keenan, priest in
one of my short stories, remarks, '1f
Jesus did not admire the breasts of
women, he was singularly ungrateful
to his Heavenly Father ......
 Audition w,th Motown Iii 1960.
FIRST BIG BREAK
"Though felt thc brunt of her anger
i Aunt Kate, a nun. Though Kate was
many times, I know that the values
MENTOR INSPIRATION Imy aunti l.V. taught me have stood
by mc throughout my life ......
"Our two most popular outfits were
red sleeveless spaghetti-strap dresses
with tons offringe, and a silver span-
dcx costume, complete with tight
pants, halter tops, and high heels. We
looked hot."
I'he highlight of their first appear- Pat never went on the Sullivan show,
FIR ST ancc, in l964, came when Sullivan's but she did have a cousin named Ned
ED SULLIVAN makeuperew,unaccustomcdtowork- Sullivan who figures prominently in
¡ng with blacks, made them look "like this book.
SHOW black-facedsingcrs ma minstrel show!"
Diana and Mary were into gambling;
Flo became an alcoholic. The
Beatles expected the Supremes to be
"hip" but found them "square." ¡n
1969 turmoil in the group and break-
ing up with 'bm Joncs caused Marys
hair to fall out.
Mary lied to Berry Gordy once about
who was driving his Cadillac when it
CRIMES hit a parked car. He nearly fired her
when he found out the truth.
In 1967 the Supremes played nuns in
an episode of Tarzan. They sang "Mi-
chad Row the Boat Ashore."
One (lay the Supremcs were told that
two friends had been in a car aecklent.
One was paralyzed, the other decapi-
tated. Though t1Pt, "that night . . .
PHILOSOPHY
WC pranced onstage, flashing our big-
OF LIFE gest, sweetest smiles .... The show
must go on."
"IWel could always count on a lively,
vocal contingent of kids and teens
waiting for us wherever we went. I
was touched by these shows of
afiection."
Endorsintt Surcmes White Bread.
When singer Tabby West invited him
' ---------- 1'57 .1...... 'ri. . r.._..L
in her seventies, Pat found her "loads
of fun."
"I love to help othersand all day
long I'm always trying to be cheerful
to the unfortunates and to help them
in every way possible."
L)uring a 1959 visit to Moscow, Soviet
leaders pressed Pat to drink shots of
vodka. "Oh, no, I don't care for it,"
shesaid. But when thedeputy premier
suggested that they drink to peace, she
buckled: "For peace, I'll do anything."
SecO
Possible coconspirator by association.
Pat was "very sensitive to news stories
that said she and her family were 'fall-
en-away' Catholics." Her father felt
that "it's all right to live without reh-
gion, but it's not all right to dic with-
out it." During Watergate Pat told
people to "pray for the press."
"People can sense when another peç-
son is friendly and genuinely interest-
ed. A smile is the universal language."
"The world is just what we make
itso let's make ours a grand one.
Too, it's fun to work and then enjoy
the fruits of the success."
"People arc my project," Pat says. Be-
fore White House dinners, the Nixons
would psych themselves up by re-
minding each other that this would be
some guest's first and only evening in
the White House.
Scc
Meeting Ike.
Looking good.
A friend speculates, "As big as he be-
came, he was never nailed Ifor being
gay. .. Rock had an angel on his
. life crisis decade mostly by work."
shoulder, or made a pact with the
devil."
Rock drank heavily in later ycars. l-le
didn't like pot and thought cocaine
was terrible.
Just after eloping with Phyllis, Rock
got a speeding ticket.
Pat Boone and some friends prayed
over Rock on his deathbed. They laid
on hands and spoke in tongues. Rock
slept through tisis.
"l'here arc many forms oflove . like
. .
love for a child or a parent, love for
dogs or plants or fried chicken. I love
loving, but being in love with someone
has been too romanticized."
"Someone once asked me what my
philosophy oflife was, and I said some
crazy thing. I should have said, how
the hell do I know?"
(ettinC AIDS. "If I had it all to
Good genes for sports.
WhenCardinal Meycrencouraged his
writing.
"1 survived the alternately painful and
exhilarating roller coaster of my mid-
"Ill became an early addict of the
soaps."
"My own image ofGod is that She is a
Comedienneand an Irish one at
that."
"Life, if it is anything at all, is a quest
for a Grail, an end of a rainbow, a lep-
rcchaun with a pot of gold, a Bali
Ila'i in the South Pacific."
"The most fundamental, the most
instinctual question that I can ask my-
self: is summer a delusion or is it a sac-
rament? My life is about the search for
an answer to that question." SceØ
(IO
Singing "John Foster Dulles" at the
)1... A .__I . P,T..... J. I. .1. . u .1.
 waiting tor us wherever we WCIfl. i
was touched by thcsc shows of
affection."
Endorsing Suprcmcs Wltitc Bread.
which was ,,old in Detroit inarkcts.
REGRETS
An English teacher "told mc that I
1I$.11' was exceptionally perceptive and sug-
gested that I consider becoming a
I12iflltuJIÌll$
writer."
At first insulted that the English press
called them Negresses, the Supremes
began to understand how the English
saw them: as "exotic darlings, sexy
RATIONALIZATIONS and cute, and all the more interesting
because we were black and hailed
from what the foreign press liked to
portray as a rat-infested ghetto."
"Tom would always sing songs just to
mc. In Las Vegas he once sang 'Green,
(;reci (;rass of Home,' then segued
c!III]II1UjIIl
into 'That Old Black Magic.' "
How badly Motown paid them.
OBVIOUS OMISSIONS
"They called mc 'the sexy one.'
:1*1
:r.Ir.zw2lI.]
"Then I repeated one ofFlo's favorite
hues from our happy days: 'Honey,
LAST LINE we is terrific.' "
Osuccessful, Mary lived with Duke Fakir O l)uring the l96() presidential cam-
ofthc Four Tops in her house (which
Berry Gordy didn't like because Mary
had put mirrors over her bed).
Other affairs with a bodyguard
from Puerto Rico, composer Brian
Holland, Berry's cider brother Fuller
and Columbia Pictures executive Da-
vid Puttnam. Soon, "I had a boyfriend
in every town, all around the world."
Mary then had a torrid affair with
Tom Jones: "I felt like we were living
out a scene from a musical, with 'Some
Enchanted Evening' playing in the
background." Discovering that he was
married upset her but didn't keep her
from flying around the world to spend
"just one night" with him.
Other affairs with Mike Warren,
Flip Wilson and Steve McQueen.
would psycn themselves up ny re-
minding each other thai this would be
some guest's first and only evening in
thc White House.
Sees
Pat cut short her career as a movie ac-
tress because she "did not want to sub-
ect herself to the iroñ control or the
whim ofany filin cxecuttvc or studio."
See pages l-480.
"There was no doubt in lPat'sl mind
that Watergate was a political witch-
hunt, and that my fiuher would with-
stand it."
What happened to the 18 minutes of
tape.
"IPati appears serene as IDickT pre-
parcs to explain his political cxpense
fund, but the unfairness ofthe charges
changed her idealistic view of politics
forever."
"i'oday, Patricia Ryan Nixon cher-
ishes the privacy ofhcr retirement years
and the family times that have been
among (IR: happiest of her life.
paign, many in the entourage took
"mild pep pills."
0
In 1947 Congressman Nixon brought
Pat some expensive linen place mats
from Italy. Knowing how expensive
they must have been, she blurted out,
"Oh, l)ick, why did you huy this ."
. .
Pat's greatest regret in the after-
math of Watergate was that her hus-
hand "did not consult her about the
tapes hetore their existence became
common knowledge."
(kiting AIDS. "lt I hul it ll to do
overagain,I'd probably hea landscape
architect."
Rock turned down Charlton Heston's
part in Ben Kw and Marion Brando's
part in Sayonara, both hits, w do A
Farewdi to Arms, a flop.
After Rock's diagnosis, he still kissed On the accusation that the covers
Linda Evans on ¡)ynaszy, but he kept of his novels are too sexy: " The
his mouth closed. Also after diagnosis, gold cross in the mouth of the red-
he (Iidfl't tell lover Marc Christian haired woman on the cover lof Thy
about his condition. "Fuck him. Be- flroihcr' Wqfel represents the oral in-
cause it goes with the territory." corporation of God in the Eucharist.
SecO
"Raoul Walsh lwho directed Rock "I have never had a nuti as a close
in his 61m dchutj did not use Rock in friend. I don't rule out the possibility,
any more (ums, but he asked him to but I continue to be wary of them."
paint his house and wash windows."
Explanation of why he can't go two
pageswithout uotingfrom his own
books.
"l)ear RockSo good to have you
here with us. With warmest regards,
Nancy & Ron."
'He's on his way to Nirvana.' 'Ncvcrsay "no" to the Lord of the
l)ance!'
O O "I'm an Aristotelian, or more pre-
(ex-roommale of Armistead Maupin);
and last live-in, Marc Christian cisely a transcendental ihomist à la
("flaxen-haired, tanne(l chest"), who, Bernard Lonergan and [)avid i racy,
with a strong (lash of Whitcheadian
in Rock's last days, was asked to leave
hut stayed an(l had boys over. process philosophy and amesian em-
piricism/pragmatism thrown in."
Rock also had a lot offlings. Friend
Mark Miller told him "just because it O
The Ascent Into Hell cover is an allu-
wiggles, you don't have to luck it," a
piece ofadvice Rock disputed. In later sion to Michelangelo's Creation, ex-
years, he gave pool parties to which he cept that God, on this cover, wears
invitcd as many as 50 malc"beauties." fingernail polish and has breasts....
He also had affairs with women, On the cover of Lord of the Dance
including I'hyllis Gates (rumored to the reclining (lancer, with her long red
be bisexual) and actress Marilyn hair and a hint of enormous energy at
Maxwell, who proposed to him. rest. .symbolizes the Church."
.
Navy buddy: "We heard rumors about
'Fitz' for thirty years, but we dis-
missed them. lt must have been that
. . .
dang Hollywood. It ruins people .....
. . .
 MANSON IN His
Telling OWN Woiws
* as told to Nuel Ernmons;
Grove Press, $16.95;
It1Jl 232 pages
* Born "No Name Maddox"; later took
thc naine Mansoi from the man his
mother evcntually marricd. "Hcy,
CharIicc Angch on TV is even a takc-
offon tue and my girls."
Father was a "young drugstore cow-
boy" who didn't stick around, mothcr
FAMILY a whore. When Charlie was six, his
rnothcr was arrested for trying to roh a
BACKGROUND! service station using a Cokc bottle as a
SCANDAL weapon. His mother had lesbian expe-
riences; young Charlie was a bed
wetter.
One and a hail. First (unnamed) was a
waitress and coal miner's (laughter:
"She may not have been the most
beautiful girl in the world, but to me
she was Marilyn Monroe, Mitzi
(;aytìor and Lana Turner all rolled
into one ,,,." She left him for a truck
driver. Manson got a marriage hccnse
to marry Sandy, a prostitute for whom
he pimpcd, but they never went
through with it. She left him when she
got pregnant.
i'hree. One with each of his two
"wives" and one with Mary Brunner,
KIDS a son, Valentine Michael, whom Man-
son delivered himself
At age I 3, he was raped repeatedly by
fellow inmates at Indiana School for
Boys, a correctional facility. The rapes
StOppC(I after Charlie attacked one of
his violators with an iron window
crank.
"i'he first girl I ever made it with I
efl(le(l up marrying."
At 32, newly released from prison,
he decided he had "some catching up
to (lo." I-lad sex with: the whore he
almost married; a 16-year-old girl he
met on the Street. who made him feel
like an ina(lequatc lover; Mary Brun-
ncr, with whom he attempted lore-
ilay ("She was willing to try it all.
And try it all we did"); Jane and Stella,
two hitchhikers wlunn he slept with
by the side ofthc road, in his van ("It
w:,,n't mi' whn rn:,,Ir h' trct
I)ANcIN; ON M
GRAVE
by Gelsey Kirkland
with Greg Lawrence;
Doubleday, $1 7. 95; 286 pages
Whcn (;elsey was accepted into Bal-
anchinc's Ncw York City Ballet at 15,
she wanted to adopt a stage name, hut
hcr íatlwr said no.
Mother was an actress, titicr an em-
bittered alcoholic playwright. "His
first act of the (lay was to throw U) in
the bathroom ...." Gelsey was a
chronic sleepwalkcr.
One. Co-author Greg Lawrence,
Ñ yet. "1'hc idea of maternity as
both alien and wondrously alluring. It
was, of course, out of the question lkr
mc.
"Unticrthe smricturesimpose(lhy Bal-
anchine, sex was alx>tit the only
weapon his dancers possessed." First
( unconsumninated) dressing room en-
counters with (lancer Fernando Bu-
jones at IS. Then stole best friend's
husband 'Jules," a rock musician, and
"at last the mystery of the rose had
been cracked, and I was anxious to
spread the news, mnfkirniisg muy fellow
dancers how sore my l)ody was from
wrestling with such ecstasy."
At 22 she began an affair with
dancer (now City Ballet director) Pe-
ter Martins: "Peter seemed to be a
(.rcek god. Our love and sexuality
sccmne(I to go hand in lmaml ...." Affair
wiis disrupted whcn (lancer i leather
Watis publicly announced that Peter
had told her that makinir love to Gel-
PAPA JOHN
by John Phillips
with Jim Jerome;
MAYFLOWER MADAM
by Sydney Biddle Barrows
with William Novak;
Dolphin/Doubleday, $17.95,
444 pages
John Edmund Andrew Phillips.
Athor House, $1 7. 95;
291 pages
Her professional pseudonym was
Sheila Devin, inspired by a character
on /111 My Children.
His presumed fnhcr was an alcoholic ! came from a privileged family
Marinc; his possible real father was a whose history was intertwined witl
Marine doctor. I lis mother was a that ofAmerica, Even though some
, , ,
Chcrokcc who had affairs with ser- of my rclatives lived in grandeur, our
vicemen. His brother was "messed p own circumstances were far more
psychologically by combat" in World modest,"
War Il; his sister Rosie's father might
have been a rodeo rider,
Three. Susie Adams ("I couldn't keep Noue.
from keling trapped"); Michelle Gil-
ham ("We had lived fast and hard . .
we had simply bccn through too
much"); Genevieve Waite ("Drugs al-
towed us to sink deeper toward a state
in which Gen was a slave, I was a
master").
Five. Jeffrey and Laura Mackenzic None.
(Susie); Chynuia Gilliam (Michelle),
flitncrlane and Bijou (Gencvicve).
First experience with 12-year-old Her first experience was in high
Jeannie ("I loved every second of it"). school, with Geoff "In tIse context of a
In high school, Maggie Lee ("She had close relationship with a man I know
a tongue that wouldn't quit and hands well, I am warm, loving, and afIc-
that wouldn't start"). tionaic, an(l like many women, I lind
l'hen Susie Adams ("girlish, it casier to give love than receive it.
spunky exuberance"); Susie's former But to be blunt about it, recreational
secretary, Marcia ("I lost interest in sex has never appealed to une,"
Marcia after a few weeks"); Rita, a
I lavana hooker ("an animal: tireless,
uninhibited, and fiutI of tricks"); Ma-
ria ("voluptuous. hot-blooded ball-
room dance instructor from Puerto
Rico"); Michelle ( ;illiam ("My passion
for her was electric and powerful");
Aiui Marshall ("stunning, well-edu-
cated"); Anita Pallenbcrg ("built");
Mia Farrow ("lots of hin"); (encvicvc
Waite ("wonderfully unique");
Rianca lacuer (Micic "w u,d
 ncr, with wIitii he attempted Iorc-
play (She Was willing io uy it all.
And try it .tll we (11(1"); Jane and Stella,
two hitchliikcrs whom he slept with
by the side of the road, in his van ("lt
wasn't mc who made the first
advance").
Lynnctte "Squeaky" Fromme (who
later tried to shoot (krakl Ford); Pa-
irida Krenwinkel, who had a hang-
Uf) about her body hair ("She had io
have ihc lights out"); Susan "Sadie"
Atkins, one of Sharon Tate's killers
(Charlie scduccjj her with his guitar
playing); Ruth Ann Moorchouse, the
14-ycar.-old virgin daughter of a
preacher ("I whispered, Forgct your
daddy. I'm your daddy. Doesn't this
kcl too good to be %vrong" ").
One episode involved 12 girls and 5
guys in his bus: "fhe balling, party-
ing. oral-copulating, heterosexual , ho-
mosexual, masturbating orgy that
occurred in the bus that night was not
initiated or programmed by mc."
Had a homosexual experience with
major Hollywood star (unnamed),
who also liked to watch while Manson
had sex with his wife.
Others: Sandra Good ('The walk
resulted in some conversation, a lot of
sex an(l our getting to know each oth-
er") an(l Stephanie Schram.
A trio: Linda Kasahian, Gypsy and
Brenda. ("Linda was my kind of girl.
Six months later, she became the pros-
ecutor's kind of girl.")
ter Martins: "Peter seemed to be a for her was electric and povrful");
Greek god. Our love and sexuality Ann Marshall ("stunning, well-edu-
seemed to go hand in hand ..... Affair cated"); Anita Pallenberg ("built");
was disrupted when dancer Heather Mia Farrow ("lots offun"); Genevieve
Watts publicly announced that Peter Waite ("wonderfully unique");
had told her that making love to Gel- Bianca Jagger (Mick "was a total gen-
sey was like masturbating. tieman about it"); Jane, a University of
Later that year she began a long but Pennsylvania student ("She was in her
none-too-sensual affair with Mikhail senior year and would fly up on week-
Baryshnikov: i waited for him to be ends. She was lucky enough to sched-
donc. I felt no need to fake what had ulc all her classes on Tuesday"); and
not taken place ...... others.
Affairs with psychologist from Sarah One night tu one bed: John and Mi-
Lawrence, (lancer Richard Schafer chclle Phillips. Jane Fonda, Roger Va-
("ruggedly handsome") and dancer dim, \V.urrutì Ikatty.
Patrick Bissell, who turned her on to
coke.
At a party a cocaine dealer named
Dexter attempted unsuccessfully to
procure her for Henry Kissinger.
Unlikely aflair with "Mickey," a
mi(ldlc-agcd homosexual heroin ad-
diet whom she met in a mental institu-
tion. ("1 le looked like a cross between
an Italiazi leprechaun and a
lightweight boxer.")
Then "Dwayne' a pianist. and
others: "Random promiscuity had ad-
vantages which I found irresistible.
Sex could be exchanged for coke; coke
could be exchanged for sex." Other
romances with a "respectable" restau-
rant owner and "Ilugh," a cocaine
dealer: "At our first meeting he asked
me, 'Have you ever had coke up your
ass?' So began my sickest relationship
to date."
'l'hen Greg Lawrence (husband
and co-author), "a poet of sorts."

Embarrassed by nudity. When she "ILucyl turned on the V( R. I iw st

.

was ten, George Balanchinc asked her
to change into her angel costume in
FEELINGS ABOUT front of a group of businessmen.
NUDE SCENES "There was something not altogether
right about the way those grown men
gigjled."
At seven, (;harlie rounded up all the Catching the eye of Balanchine, who
(hristrnas of neighborhood choreographed Firebird for her when
children who had teased him and she was 17. Also, when the newly dc-
L)urllcd thei. fcctcd Baryshnikov asked her to dance
First nutrkr: he killed a black with him.
tI()fx icalr in L.A. "I felt good!"
First guitar given to l'hiliips by brnth
cr-in-law. John and Michelle and
Denny l)ohcrty and Cass Elliot drop
acid together, 1965.
had a heart attack, for there. un the
screen, was Robin, one of our new
girls. And she wasn't merely having
sex, either. . . . 'l've seen enough; i
said. . , . 'Wait a minute; said Lucy.
"Ihe scene with the goat is coming
up!' S'O
Convincing the bank to let her use
Visa and Mastercharge.

Vie, a pimp, told Charlie all about big First Balanchine, who alienated her
cars and pretty girls. Also, an inmate, by ignoring her injuries (" 'Young
Alvin "Creepy" Karpis of Ma Hark- people don't have injuries. Go home
MENTOR INSPIRATION er's gang, played guitar with him. and read fairytales' "). theiì dancc icach-
er Stanley WiIIims ("He Inokctl like
sJack f.emmon"), ihen Ri.ryIinikw.
.. I .00king back, I am absolutely ccr-
(Jill i would not be alive now if I had
luit 1)C('n arre%ted. , , . The dealer who
tUfifld informaiìt on me saved my
Her father told her it was ali right if
she became a ditchdiggcr, as long as
she was the best one she could be. She
learned the business while working as
a scheduler in the escort servicc oI j
miun named Eddie.
 --
"When z* guy wints ,.oincthing. he
,-. --'ï---. .y--...,--.
My anger was transformed into a
(I(X%tII flhIOW all thr ruks." more complicated responsc Io balki
OF S U CCESS itself, but thc Iassion of my commat-
mcnt can be traccd to th turmoil of
my childood."
-

"For mc, ballet was suicidal." "I Not explicitly discussed.

SUICIDE ATTEMPTS occasionally Iantasizcd about my fu-
neral. . . . I was a dancing corpse."

First acid till), ;lg( 2, .t a ;rateftll As a teen with acne, she took antibiot- Passini, drugs afl(l alcohol. Alcohol "Millions of Americans use and enjoy
1)cad cotccrt. "!'vc ncvcr ha(1 any usc i and birth control pills and Butazo- aI)t1SC flU)C prcs)1c1)t Lite in the book. illegal drugs without abusing them. .
for licroin. 01)111111, CoCainc or lidio, "a dangerous anti-inflammatory l:mrst joint courtesy of R,t;m i n Eivana. l)rug USC, in other words, is not the
thing else th;n rn;kcs you in .I(I(lIct. drug used on racehorses and (lancers." 'I voluntccrctl muy Ixdy as i
I n StilT) : same as drug abuse ......
I t hough I vc I sviys IcL1 st rung ( ui
.1
Always took emctics to induce vomit- htimiiat test tube for anything I could
grass. hishtsh, I S1 ). nìushroonìs and ing and stay skinny. Balanchinc gave get muy hands on.
just alxut evcrvthutìg thit givcs mind hcr amphetamines (" 'Take thus. Is vi-
tr1I)s. ¼llflM)I JIRI hIS tuI1overs ron- lamm' ").
tiîuIy tk I SI ) hcturc gui rig out u) "I starvcd by day. then hinged on
k ill cupIc. unk food and threw up by night; I
took injections of pregnant cows'
urine, reputed to be a miraculous diet
aid; I stuffed myself with laxatives,
thyroid pills, andcelery juice; I emptied
myself with enemas and steam baths."
On cokcwich Patrick Bissell:"No wor-
rtcs, fears, anxieties. . . . I was voluble,
cvcn fairly coherent. . . . I was hooked
on him and on the coke. . . . My entire
life seemed to have relocated into the
bathrooms ofMaiihattan."f'inallycom-
mitted to a mental hospital. By 1984
was a speed freak, a 'valium addict, a
coke casualty, and a total wreck. Eveit
my teeth were falling out." Started to
rckrm when she realized "that bu-
lions of illicit dollars were laundered
annually through the banking systcm
in the United States alone, that drugs
were the most profitable commodity
in the world."

See pages I -232. Suffering "menstrual blues" on tour First arrcst as a teenage gang member, Was expelled from Stonelcigh board-
in Russia, G&'lsey silenced the irritat- for "rolling fgs." Arrested for 'kid- ¡ng school for a series of small of-
ing radio in her hotel room by stuffing napping" his son Tamerlanc. Arrest- fcnscs, including helping a girl sneak a
coffee-soakcd shredded Tampax into cd for drugs in lkrmnuda; a l)rJhc got boy into her room.
the speakers. Paranoid cokchcad boy- him off. Major drug bust in 198() led,
friend Bissell kept a hatchet under the cvcntually. to this lxxk.
bed, a knife underthc pillowand mace.
At 12, Charlie had a vision of Jesus No witnesses at her wedding to Greg No. "111 ever had to pick a religion all over
('l'lmundcr s(>LlIftk(I and a flash of Lawrence, except "the One, perhaps, again, I would seriously consider
lightning l)rightcnc(l thc sky"), vhich who witnesses all of our actions." Judaism ......
rccurrc(l later during an acid trip.
"Go(I IS III CVCOflC. Each person is his
or her OSVfl (;od. I'm CutI, yourc
(;(Rl."

"Wipe your own ass, do your Owl) To her brother: "My success means 'My thilosophy about beitig a so- "In my view, every woman in Amer-
thing hR1 cgo be (lanlnc(l.' nothing! I hate every minute of it! called 'star' was that if you wantcd ka ought to wear a slip."
"Nothing is wrong ii it feels good Ballet is a curse!" Also, she quotes one ochcrs iii treat you like star, you had
PHILOSOPHY I

¿iiiil satishc.s you. I .ivc (or noW ...." of Misha's Russian sayings: "Love is to lirsi treat yourself like oiie."
OF LIFE not like a poiato--you can't throw it "Ircc(Iom is a douhle-cilgc(l sword
 'iIothinjis wrong if it feels good
PHILOSOPHY arid satisfies you. Live for now....'
OF LIFE
íi:i
IÌIli]JU
"lt wasn't that I was trying to play
Icader! had
sponsibility."
a feeling of re-
"To me a class whore is about as
:i.iviiir honest a person as there is on earth."
-
.'l should have cleaned up my act."
"One ofmy strongest regrets is that
the world didn't get to hear our
REGRETS
.
music.
"In learning of the popularity and
wealth of the victims, I suddenly felt
cheated that the kids had come away
from the scene with less than a hun-
dred dollars in cash."
Manson claims that the murders
weren't his idea, I)ut the plait of his
female followers: "I winked at Susan
RATIONALIZATIONS and jokingly told her, 'Go kill him for
me, Sadie.' 'l'lie 'go kill him' was said
in jest."
"Though I wasn't black, I picked up
on what the Black Muslims were
practicing."
"Sure, the poi and pills we used
were technically against the law,
hut. . . . Other than nailing a few un-
der-age broads who were already giv-
ing their bodies to whoever they
fancied, I kimi of had the feeling of
being a good samaritan......
"These thoughts might sound like
pure insanity, l)Ut . . .
OBVIOUS OMISSIONS
"Only a body is in prison. At my will, I
walk your streets and am right out
there among you."
Ballet acurse!" ALSA, she quotes one
J
of Mishas Russian sayings: Lovc is
not like a potatoyou can't throw it
otit the window."
"In Florida on one occasion, to
avoidbcinghoundedbyamoboffans,
I ran a mile in my toe shoes through a
field of mud and hack to my hotel
room."
Obsession with changing her body. In
addition to various failed breast alter-
ations, "1 had my earlobes snipped off.
I had silicone injected into my ankles
and lips."
BecauseofKirkland'schronic anorex-
ia and bulimia, Herb Ross and his
wife, Nora Kayc, replaced her in the
movie The Turning Point with another
dancer.
"I was simply doing my own thing, liv- "Maybe I had macle it too easily."
ing according to the modern code:
'sex, drugs, and rock and roll .' . . . My
downfall was not only a triumph of
the monstrous side of my personality,
but the seductive and vacuous side of
our culture."
"Perhaps my experience has already
contributed to change, at least for my
generation."
"Thedancegocionforever. Sos/ial!!. So
shall we. Let that be my epitaph, my
prayer, my final gesture."
othcis to treat OU like a star, you had
to first treat yourself like one."
"Freedom is a double-edged sword
that can cut you loose or cut you
down."
Drug abuse undermined Phillips's
plan to record a soloalbum that would
have featured Mick Jagger, Keith
Richards and Mick Thylor. "I was
devastated."
Might have been murdered along
with Sharon Tate and others at the
Polanski mansion, but for the fact that
Marshall Brickman suggested that
they skip the party and instead go to
the beach to look at phosphorescent
plankton.
While living with Michelle (though
still married to first wif Susie), this
conversation took place: I love you,
Susie." "You can't have it both ways."
"But you lived in Europe. You should
know about mistresses."
On his nsonthlong stay in the Al-
lenwood 'Country Club" prison: "l'ue
food was a l)lcasant surprise, with a
delicious kosher kitchen, an elaborate
salad bar, and a tasty brunch on Sun-
days at ten forty-five...."
"l'lt just have to cross that bridge
when it burns."
After being in jail with streetwalk-
ers: "These girls had been so nice to
mc, and so open and interesting, that
my brief experience in jail was far
more positive than I could have
imagined."
"I was the only one inthe class whose
mother wouldn't let her watch The
Man From U.N.C.L.E."
"Like their counterparts in the other
helping professions, our girls brought
tenderness and comfort into our cli-
ents' lives. We were there fir them."
"I would give the girls a few point-
ers on how w avoid swallowing it in a
way that was not obvious to the client.
Recause it's a very visual lesson, I am
unable to put it into words."
Tip to employees: "Once you're in
the bathroom, jump up and down a
little bit and let gravity do its work so
that you don't mess up your under-
wcir. Otherwise, you'll be going
down in the elevator, and all ofa sud-
(lenWhOOSh!"
Clients' names.
"lt's not called the oldest profession
for nothing."
oSydney once let a boyfriend take
snapshots of her nude. Eleven years
later, some of them ran in the Daily
News and the Post. "I was devastated."
 THE CONWAY
TWITTY STORY:
Telling AN AUTHORIZED
: BIOGRAPHY
by Wilbur Cross
ItAll and Michael Kosser;
Dolphin/Doubleday, 14.95;
193 pages
Born Harold Jcnkins. Conway is a
town in Arkansas; Twiuy is a town in
Texas.
"How do you know you arc Spoor'
whcn you don't know what it is to
have money? Sometimes I didn't cat
FAMILY
anything different for a whole month
at a timc."
BACKGROUND
SCANDAL
Two. Ellen, "a supernice person," to
whom he stayed married only until
thcir son was born. Mickey, whom he
married in 1956, divorced in l970, re-
married in 1971 and divorced in 1984.
"Being constantly reminded she was
marriedtoa famousentertainer"caused
Mickey to lose "her own identity."
Four. Mike, Joni, Kathy, Jimmy.
KIDS
"lEllen and II were good friendsoh-
viously a little more than friends."
When singer Tabby West invited him
to appear on a TV show, The Ozark
Jubilee.
When "It's Only Make Believe" was
inching up the charts,manager Don
I, TINA:
M LIFE STORY
by Tina Turner
with Kurt Loder;
Morrow, $16. 95;
236 pages
Anna Mae Bullock. Ike, then her "My parents named me Roosevelt
manager, had become fixated on after the man who was running on the
Sheena, the white ungle goddess of I )cmocratic ticket for President."
the movies. He chose Tina because it
rhymed with Sheena.
"Were we poor? I (lofl't remember be-
ing poor." Her "father" might not
have been her father. Also, "I was
raised on pork .....
One. Ike, now ex.
Two. Son Craig was born in 1958; fa-
ther was a musician named Raymond
1-lili. Son Ronald was born in l960; fa-
ther was Ike, who was married to
someone else at the time.
1-lcr first partner was Harry Taylor,
captain of the high school basketball
team. With Ike: "He would beat me
with shoes, shoe trees, anything that
was handy. And then he would have
sex with me. lt was torture, plain and
simple." Tina had a crush on musician
Williams and once even
Johnny
sneaked into his room and lay in his
arms for five minutes. SeeQ
Meeting Ike.
Valerie Bishop, who turned Tina ori
to Buddhism, through which Tina
.. -i _____ii ------ :.
ROSEY:
THE GENTLE GIANT
by Roosevelt Grier;
Honor Books, $17.95;
301 pages
During his briefsinging career, "They
called me the '300-pound Perry Como.''
"Poppa was a farmer, and life was
hard, but no harder than for many
Americans in the thirties."
Roscy and Doris weren't married
when their daughter, Sheryl, was
born; Rosey isashamed "by my refusal
to give her my last name."
Two. Bernice ("an attractive and
woman who. . . did drink
more than 1 would have liked"),
whom hc married in l961 and di-
vorced in 1968. Margie, whom he
married in 1970, divorced in l975 and
remarried in l98l.
Two. Sheryl, born l953 to girlfriend
Doris, and Roosevelt Kennedy, born
to Margie in 1971.
While campaigning for Robert
Kennedy, Roscy met Jackie Onassis.
Once "I told her, 'Jackie, you're a
really nice lady. The only problem is,
you can never know who likes you for
yourself....To me, you're us an-
other lady.' She laughed and said 'I
think you're crazy.' But I wanted her
to have that experience ofbcing cared
about as a person. SecO
Good genes for sports.
John Grossi, a seventh-grade class-
got aU A'sHe said,
ONE MORE TIME
by Carol Burnett;
Random House, $18.95;
359 pages
Named after Carok Lombard.
Known as "the kid with the brick wall
in her gut."
"We were on something called the
WPA. It meant that we were poor ......
Carol's grandmother was flatulent. If
Carol "really begged" her, her grand-
mother would take out her teeth and
smile at her. They owned a sexually
active parakeet. Carol's haifsister was
born out of wedlock.
l'wo. Don Saroyan and Joe Hamilton.
Why she and Saroyar. split:
Both
'He was gentle and sweet, and we had
fun together. . . . So we don't have any
money! So what? We're young. We're
healthy. We're talented. And we're in
love! What'sso bad about that? . . . And
then I started to get luckier than Don."
l'hrcc daughters. Carrie, Jody and
Erin.
"IMamal could . . . tell us all about how
. "It" (the big i:) is so friggin' overrac-
ed it's pitiful.'
"1 began to want more. No more
pure. . . . I wanted to know what
'it' was like. . . . I gave him
every chance. . . . But our involvement
didn't progress one bit. . . . One of my
roommates took mc aside and told mc
about homosexuals."
Once, after a doctor gave Carol a shot
ofpenicilliri in the buttocks, she was so
embarrassed she walked into a closet.
Singing "John Foster Duiles" at the
BlUe Angel, a New York nightclub.
An unnamed rich man lent Carol
$L,000 to come to Ncw York and
-----
 Lt) dPIA..*I I)u 4 1 .IIUW, ¡ ft
Jubilee.
When "It's Only Make Believe" was
inching up the charts, manager L)on
Scat kept Conway hidden, so as not to
MENTOR INSPrÂTION dispel the rumors that the song was by
Elvis using a false name. "From the
experience I learned a valuable lesson
about the power of mystique."
The "little throaty growl" that distin-
guishes him from Elvis.
FIRST ED SULLIVAN SHOW
In 1960 he took diet pills. They made
him "nervous and uptight." They also
SUBSTANCE made his mind "crystal clear." When
he realized the effect they were hay-
ABUSE ing. "1 tOssC(1 out every onc of the
damned things."
Stole marbles from a general store at
age five. Got in trouble with the IRS
over investors who lost money in
Twiuy City.
Wanted tO bc a preacher, but was too
shy.
FINDING GOD
"Just because you can sing songs
doesn't make you any more talented
or any different from a man who
drives a truck
"You get that cotton today because
tomorrow the weather might change
and ruin the crop."
"Twitty City is a tremendous invest-
meist but it's my way of showing
. . .
my appreciation and giving back
something to the public
"IT'S THE
LITTLE PEOPLE
WHO MATTER"
tJhUI
Valerie Bishop, who turncd Tina on
co Buddhism, through which Tina
discovered nonallergenic makeup at
Bloomingdak's.
Leaving Ike.
Attempted suicide in 1968 by swal-
lowing Valium.
Tried marijuana once and took Ben-
zedrinc for a while. "One time lIke!
made me eat a whole pound cake."
"1 came to look at the man in my
life as my dessert and my dessert is
. . .
on the way."
"Sometimes you've got to let eve,y-
thing go. If you are unhappy with
. . .
anything. whatever is bringing you
. .
down, get rid of it. Because you'll find
that when you're free, your true cre-
ativity, your true self comes out."
- - --
muy rtiagcI, icw io, iiigsnt.uv.
John Grossi, a seventh-grade class- An unnamed rich man km Carol
mate who got all A's. "Hc said, 'Well, $1,000 to come to New York and
you'rc not as smart as I am, so you're launch her career.
going to have to study. .' I'll always
. .
owe him because he made mc realize
that discipline and determination can
be more important than a high IQ."
Height and weight. "Rain brought mc good luck."
January 1957.
After working all night at a summer Dad and mom were alcoholics.
job, "1 would pick up a box of corn
flakes, a quart of milk, and about a
dozen bananas. Then I would sit
down before I went to bed and eat it
all. one day I did this and got sick. ...
So I stopped eating bananas."
He and Jackie O. poured coffee on
people from her Fifth Avenue
aparttncnt.
Always religious, Rosey was born "I believed in God, or something."
again through the ministrations of TV
evangelist Dr. Fred Price. This new
awareness prompted him to start dat-
ing his ox-wife, whom he wooed by
confiding, "Babe, I'm a new creature
in Christ.......m a brand new man
and you can't get any better than
brand new."
"Wherever I went with (Bobby Ken- As her mother said, "Life isn't just a
nedy I, thousands of people turned out bowl of cherries, baby, and the sooner
to hear Bobby speak. At some of the you learn that, the better."
places, he asked me to sing 'Spanish
Harlem.' I was amazed when people
swooned! 'Things like that embold-
ened mc to think that I could make a
difference."
Ethel Kennedy chartered a plaise to "There werc times whets I was more
take Rosey and other campaigners to at home in front of millions of people
the fund-raiser. No less than Eddie than I was at home. If I have one re-
Fisher, Connie Stevens, and a rock gret, it's that I didn't know then why
group were on that plane. I also. . . that was. The good news is I know it
met a lot of the stars See O now."
.-
Being traded from the Giants to the
 -- --

Being traded from th Gians to tiw

He vas drafted by the Army ust after
receiving an offer to play for the Phila-
deiphia Phillics. His first recordings,
for the Sun label, were never released.
His Twitty Burger chain flopped.
Though Conway has never won a
Country Music Association Award, he
says, "It doesn't mauer." Conway also
avoids awards shows. 1f you're in-
volved in the creative process the way
I am . . . you shouldn't let anything dis-
tract you from your objective."
"Sometimes I feel like a whorelike
those nights when I'm on stage per-
forming and pretending to enjoy my-
self so that everybody else can enjoy
themselves."
ESPECIALLY "How much is Conway l'witty
GOOD QUOTES worth today? Conway shakes his head
when asked that questionnot be-
cause he does not know the answer,
but because he cannot, for the life of
him, understand why anybody would
care."
In 1979 Tina toured South Africa. "I
had this new management, and no
record company, and I was kind of
caught up in my own problems. . . . At
that time, it was not such a big deal, as
far as I knew."
"I wasn't as smart then as I am now.
But who ever is?"
"I love it when the clothes are cx-
pensive. You know why? They look
right and they last."
"I love being a woman. I love every
ou . . . every bottle of perfume, any-
thing made for women. And we need
that stuff. lt really says something
about us, and I think it's fantastic."
Rains. This wa hardcr to take than
my íathers death. At least I had had
time to prepare for that.
"With Ethel beside fl)C, I could see
over the crowd that Bobby was not far
ahead of us. I was trying to catch up.
Then he turned a corner. That's when
the shots rang out."
"When President Reagan visited
the Biucnbcrg Isle! cemetery in West
Germany . . . outraged crics came from
around the globe. Reagan's point in
making the visit, alas, was missed.
That point was not martyrdom, nor
its rights or wrongs. 1'he point was
reconciliation."
When he was eleven, his family "Cuts. That's what Mama had all
moved from Georgia to New Jersey.
right."
"As the train kept pushing north-
"IGarry Moorel is loved by every-
ward, I watched the fields rushing one who worked with him. Because
by. . . . The clackcty-clack of the train
he cares."
wheels seemcd to be saying, '[leaded
for the Promised Land, headed for the
Promised Land."

.' The down side of being named Con-

]:j[sflJJj'1J way Twitty.
"Although the subject ofthis conver-
Sation on the i)inah Shore Show' was
BEST clearly hilarious, Conway admits that
CAPTION
he cannot recall what was so funny ...,"
PHOTO
"I just don't want to give upever."
"Ike asleep in an airplane. Out ofthe
photoon the right is Ann Thomas. Ike
enjoyed lying across both of us when
he slept on flights."
"Many ofyou will listen, and some of
you will hear."
"I'm not odd because sometimes I
needlepoint. I know who I am. I)o
you?"
"My address is 3005 South Grand, Los
Angeles, California 90007."
Her daughteF's drug problems, which
Carol says she will (liscuss in her next
book.
"Pulling my car with Nanny (1961)."
'1 love you so much."

o o
Otherwise, "When I was with Ike, the
entire sixteen years, another man
never touched me." Later, she had
affairs. "A 1)utchman, an Italian, and a
young Greek."
I would call her and say, look, I'm
standing down here by the railroad
track, and I've got a dime on the track.
I'm waiting for a train to come along
and flatten it out. l)o you want to
come down and join me?' And she
would Laugh."
o
I admired: Shirley MacLame, Andy
Williams and his wife. I kept say-
. . .

ing to myself, '1 don't believe this!'...

We went to Averell Harriman's home
and partied all night."
THE POLITICS OF BOORISHNESS ON PAPER,SONDRAGOTIJEI3SEEMED LIKE
a find. Funny. bright and irrcvcrcnt; celebrated food
writcr and (in Thc Wathiiigton Pos: and Vanity Fair) hu-
inorist; refreshingly unschooled in the ways of social
s Washington and yet cífrcIcssIy successful at them. Shc
was thc steadfast wife ola successful man, and a woman

TheRue olsome flote in her own right. Such a package!

I simply Cani tell you how disappointcd I was to 6nd
OUI that Sondra (otlicb wasn't anything like that at all.
I had come into thc Gtliebs' l)Ck Creek l)rive home
expecting to find !)aphne (lu Mauriers bewitching Re-
becca; Sondra GtIicb had tOl(l me she kit like Mrs. de
Winter. I left with the impression that I had iust
.-J ì ,.I 1.117 ... 1/' Mrs. Danvcrs.
lhit It getting ahead oí myselL I'll tell you this,
'Wt½i4't'I though: right from the start, female intuition told me

nf that reality was at odds with the image. On the night of

OIIC of their big parties I arrived as requested, a little

early. There seemed to be nobody on the ground door,

and I thought it a good time to give the place the once-
I over. I was scouting (loors for the pow(ler room when I

Wâshingtoth accidentally OflC that IC(l into a small anteroom,

where a hairstylist was refurbishing Mrs. Gotlieb's 'do.

1* had curled it arounl on topofher head as one might
do to an exceptionally large blob of brown I)ream
\Vhip. lt lOOke(l ghastly. My reaction must have shown
Oit Ifl lice, beCaUse she shot mc a look that could have
PIC(l a manhole cover at 5() feet. l'hank goodness we
had already had a number oí lengthy talks, because al-
Pushiefl though I was a guest, offand on, at her home over the
next ten (lays, she never said another word to me.
Mrs. (;otlich came out of the anteroom 15 minutes
before the guests vere to arrive. 1'he servants were mak-
' ing last-minute adjustments to tables and place settings,
( tfl(l Mrs. (;otlieh, acting every inch the chatdaine ol the
imanor, Ixgan pacing the center hail, peri(xlically hiking

Couple ? °P her evening dress and checking her hair in the mirror.
't In the living room I found her husband, Ambassador Al-

( Ian (;otlicb, gingerly fingering his hair into place and re-
( Iwarsing the toast he was to give later that evening.
IIn Washington. dinner at eight means just that, and
as the hour sounded, limousines began (lepositing the

I important and the celebrated at the Gotliebs' doorstep.

this crisp Friday night the couple had decided to
throw a black-tie dinner for 65, in honor of themselves.
(I always thought that was the sor of thing otheri arc

I T H A D B E E N G O I N G S O W E L L ijt
One by one, the arrivals filed into the rotunda to have
. .
for the wife of the Canadian ambassador to thc U.S. the air near their cheeks kissed by Mrs. ( otlieh. It (li(lfl't
. . .
take long before a fair sampling of Washington power
She'd passed herself off as a comic writer and social and inlluencc vcre saying their hellos to one another
.
over COCkijils in the living room. I was certainly im-
observer, and the famous and powerful were beating pressc(l. In various clusters scattered here and there
. . al)oUt the living room were Ed Meese, Paul Vokkcr
a path to her \Vashington lair. But all that changed (who brought a weirdly corny gifi for the Gotliebsa
. . Plexiglas cube full ofshredded currency) and Katharine
a year ago this month, when she publicly whacked Griham. Former talent agent Charles Wick was at the
. I)iJflO. Mingling with the other guests were then Na-

her social secretary across the check. Our Liz EMI3RY
. . . .
had a privileged peek inside the now crumbling
. .
world of the Gothebs. She escaped with her life.
tional Security Adviser John Poindcxtcr, Barbara Wal-
. ters, Sally Quinn and Gotlieb's two Washington Post
txsscs executive clitor Ben Bradlee and editorial page
.
editor Meg Grcenfìcld. Also working the room were
foreigners (and Corulé Nast editors) harry Evans and

38 SPY MARCH 1987

The anti-apartheid Tina Brown and Canadian film dircctor Norman Jewi- thing nasty about anyone. And nobody smoked! How
sors; David Brinkley; Vernon Jordan; arms-control can you possibly have a salon without cigarette smoke
schiump Kenneth Adelman; and AFL-CLO president Nobody drank much, either. (I was the veritable booze
demonstrators at Lane Kirkland. monkey of both affairs, and I drink hardly at all.) As
This, I had been told, was pretty much dinner as usu- ever in Our Nation's Capital, all anyone talked about
the South African al for the Gotliebsa heightened pitch ofsocial activity was politicsnot sophisticated policy nuance, and not
that accrues to one naturally if, like the Gotliebs, you are even interesting gossip, but the dullest kinds of news-
Washington's compelling social couple of the moment. magazine verities. Even (he real estate talk that domi-
embassy around In a remarkably short time, they had elbowed their way nates New York dinner party conversation would have
up alongside the enduring social powers of Washington: been refreshing by comparison.
the corner have Evangelinc Bruce, the well-married Pamela Harriman, My problem was that I had gone to the Gotliebs' ex-
Mrs. Graham, Clare Boothe Luce (who even in her peeling to have a good time. And in the capital, that is
eighties still gives dinner dances at the Suigrave Club), precisely not the point. As a general rule, Washington
given Sondra Isabella Gardner Coolidge, George and Liz Stevens, social affairs rarely are venues for frolic and gaiety and
Lady Marjorie Wright and Jack Kent Cooke. arc nothing ifnot work with a change ofclothcs. "Par-
Got/kb tons of For their scurry up the social ladder, it is said, Mrs. ties are part ofthe culture ofihe town, as are the muse-
Gotliebcastherselfasa latter-day Alice Roosevelt Long- ums and as are the theaters," Allan Gotlieb told me
worth, Washington's legendary grande dame. Unless somberly. "The workplace and the social place are two
trouble. "They Mrs. Roosevelt was a tircsome snob and a social bully dimensions of a single thingthe sense of purpose in
and by most accounts she was notI'm afraid I usi power towns, so to speak. In fact,party is an unfortunate
pa) in front of don't buy the parallel. I had heard, though, that like Mrs. word, because parties are serious business here."
Roosevelt, Mrs. Gotlieb had a tart tongucand she does. "Party" an unfortunate word. To hear the Gotliebs
She uses it, though, not to amuse and engagingly abuse tell it, it's no lark planning and orchestrating an eve-
ou,. place and her rich and famous guests but to terrorize her hapless fling's entertainment in Washington. On any given
underlings at the embassy night there are 20 or 30 major dinner parties, and corn-
and the embassy resi- petition for big-name guests is fierce. Ridgewells, the
dcncc. When I asked old-line Washington caterer, handles upwards of 9,000
them what Mrs. Gotlieb parties a year, and big social draws such as Pamela Har-
was really like, they rolled riman, Katharine Graham, Evangeline Bruce and high-
their eyes and, in the case level administration people often get 25 invitations for a
of two, actually shud- single evening. Connie Connor, Mrs. Gotlieb's sweet,
dcrcd in the knowledge of American-born social secretary, will send out I 50 invita-
past and impending fears. tions just to snare two or three dozen guests for a sit-
I used the word harridan down dinner.
in reference to Mrs. Got- Into this alarming social fray the Gotliebs ventured
lieb a number of times, and flourished. "[t was often said ofus that our place Lin
and no one ever stopped to Ottawaj was a crossroads for interesting people," Allan
correct mc. Gotlieb told me. "SO in that sense, we continued here a
The Gotliebs managed tradition. We like to reach out." (Word of honor, he
nonetheless to fashion for really said that.)
the cmbassy residence a In a way, you've got to hand it to them. Neither plays
reputation as a salon of tennis, virtually a social necessity in Washington, and
sortsa gathering place the ambassador's $75,(XX)-a-year salary is probably equal
for powerful, interesting to the annual clothing budgets of some of their guests.
people and fast, interest- And the Gotliebs are, after all, Canadians, with all the
THE HARRIDANS HAND ing talk. As the exception proving the rule, the Gotliebs potential tedium that implies. But Allan Gotlicb can be
had the Sunday before held a brunch for more than 60 charming, and his wife's habit ofhorning in on his con-
people in honor of bookie's SOfl and TV Guide publisher versations was consideredin Washington, anyway
throw their Walter Annenbcrg (although in Washington be is for- saucy and irreverent.
ever referred to as Ambassador) and his wife, Lee. The Allan Gotlieb, who will be 60 next year, was educated
Colonel Sanders Gotlicbs had met the Annenbcrgs the year before, in almost entirely outside his own country, taking his un-
Palm Springs, on one of the jaunts for which they were dergraduate degree at the University of California at
later criticized in their home country because they had Berkeley, a master's at Oxford (as a Rhodes scholar) and
chic/jen in our charged the expenses for the trip to the government. At finishing at Harvard Law School, where he made Law
any rate, the Sunday turnout for the Gotliebs' new best Review. He worked first as a barrister in London's In-
yard. Ivery friends included Warren Burger, Donald Regan, Bob ncr Temple, thengrab for that brass ring, Allan!be-
and Dolores Hope, Jcane Kirkpatrick and Mrs. Edgar came a career civil servant in canada.
Bergen. He likes to collect ostentatiously civilized things
demonstration Like many of the Gotlicbs' past parties, the Friday (leatherbound books, antique chess sets) and has a valu-
and Sunday affairs were highly sociable, but Wash- able collection ofprints by the minor nineteenth-centu-
attracts iiffiaff of ington being Washington, there was an underlying, un- ry French artist James Tissot. Moon-faced and beetle-
smiling current of purpose about them. The browed, Gotlieb had been a mere bureaucrat for most of
Washingtonians prent apparentlyfrlt festive, but cv- his working life when by 1981 he had convinced then
some sort eryonc seemed wooden and formal. Nobody said any- Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau of the need for a new

MARCH 1987 SPY 39

 public advocacy in Washington that would promote
Canadian intercsls in ongoing disputes with the U.S.
over cncrgy, tradc, fishing rights and acid rain. Gotlieb
was givcn thc Washington ambassadorship, his first
diplomatic poSt. Working Congress and thc White
House more like a lobbyist than an ambassador, Gotlieb
prided himself on the access that came his way as his
local socializing accelerated. But his extreme closeness
with Mike l)eavcr has proved embarrassing to both
men. And lOt all his efforts at fostering an image of"Mr.
I nsicie,' ( ;Otlieb only found out ZIIX)Ut recent imjx.)rtant
U.S. decisions affecting Canada (when, for instance, the
White House imposed a tarifion Canadian wood shin-
gles) on the evening news, like CVCTOflC else.
Sondra Gotlieb, the author oíihrce books in Canada,
two ofthcm about food, achieved something ola name
for herself in the capital once she began producing a
fortnightly l.ctter from \Washington column for Tiic
Washington Post. Written in the form ola letter home to
a friend. the column depicte(l Mrs. (otlieh as a social
free spirit, bemused by hut uninterested in worming her
way into Washington society. It aspires to the little-
world-of-our-own flavor oí Wodchouse, and it is peo-
pled by characters named in a lame Pcrelmancsquc
vein: socialite Popsic Tribble, famous columnist Lionel
Portant, diplomat Baron Spitte and lobbyist Joe Promis-
all. I have heard that some people find the column fun-
ny. I confess I never have. Carl Bernstein (01(1 mc once
that the reporters at the Post find its presence in their
paper humiliating. A year and a halfago a small Wash-
ington l)ul)1il1cr l)Ut together a collection of these col-
An
I,,etjercnt Account ofLfe in Powe,iown, and for months
afterward CO1)ieS ofthe book were displayed
ly on a table in the residciicc's vestibule. I asked Allaii
Gotlich abotit his wife, and he said this: "Somebody
once said, 'She's crazylike a lox.' I say, 'No one has
programmed her software.' " I think he thought this
was funny. Such a Canadian.
Neither of the Gotliebs is shy about (liscussing their
dramatic social ascension. (Postslap, they wisely
clammed up.) At first, Mrs. Gotlicb says, they were in-
Vite(l out only infrequently and spent many evenings
sitting on the chesterfields in the residence study. "And
we'd took at each othcr' she recalls, "and say, 'What are
WC supposed to do?' And Allan would say, 'l)on't ask
me, l've never been an ambassador before.'"
That all changed when they decided to host a dinner
party fr thc visiting Canadian external affairs minister,
A flurry of invitations went out. "We didn't know any-
body here," Mrs. Gotlieb told me, "so we just picked out
famous names." Names like then Secretary of State
Alexander Haig and Caspar Weinberger. "And they all
put us on hoklthcy wouldn't say yes or no. Everybody
said, 'Don't take it personally, it's just the way Washing-
ton is.' And then Weinberger called about four (lays be-
fore the party and said he was coming, anti 1-laig called
five minutes later. Well, then we told the social secretary
to drop those iiaincs to the rest ofthc people, and they all
accepted that day." What happencd next is a story Son-
(Ira (;tlieb has told quite literally hundreds of times,
each time with the purposeolcasting herschas the thor-
I
oughly charming, guileless social naïfthat, ofcourse, she
isn't. I could (lescribe what happened next, but why not
40 SPY MARCH 1987
let thc lady tell it hcrsclt "Everybody carne early and E
was standing at the door and the people sort of knocked
me down as they came in and they all knew each other
and startc(i talking to each othcr and I realized, Hey, ¡'n,
:hc hostess here, I'd better ge: control oft/ic situation. A nd I
went UI) to one man and said, 'I'm Sondra Gotlieb, the
wile of the Canadian ambassador and your hostess, and
I wonder ifyou wouldn't mind intro(lucing me to some
of my guests after you tell nie your namc.' And he said,
'Well, I'm Ben Bradlcc and I'm the editor ofThc Wash-
inglon Post,'"
'l'he (;otliel)s' next step was to pick opon an old social
gambit in the capital: you throw a party for someone
that everyone else wants to medeven il you (IO not
know the honoree yourselfand step back as Washing-
ton clambers to your door. In the months just after the
Reagans moved into the White l-busc, the trick in
Washington was to get near the people closest to them.
Mrs. (;otlicb had attended a lunchcon with thc wife of
newly apxnntetl Attorney (kneral William French
Smith, aiii at her husband's suggestion, she called an(i
said that the Gotliebs would like to throw a party for
them. The attorney general and his wife proved to be a
handsome draw, and on the night oftheir party the ( ot-
liebs were rewarded with a half dozen senior adminis-
tration P0PlC and a mummcration of senators and
socialites. In Washington society, as Sondra Gotlieb
quickly discovered, nominal inportance plus pushiness
equals success.
Iloth ( otliel)S were eager to share their tips for social
success with me. In drawing up their guest tistsa task
that often occupies whole weekendsthe
me, they () for Naines first. Allan (otlkb 5CCIOS to have
the whole thing pretty well figured out. "The sitie qua
non in a good Washington party is to have eop1e that
other people want to see. They (iOfl't I)artictllarlY want
to see foreigners, Ithosel outside ofthc people that play
in the American l)'''CT system, in the American power
grid. Ofcoursc, a celebrity foreigner they are uey inter-
ested in. Washingtonians also like to see people who are
socially protflinetit. They also want the spouses, the la-
(lies. Bui in that sense, they want those that arc socially
in the news, or socially important. You want adminis-
tration. You want people who are interesting per se and
comc from maybe a social milieu. You want imlxrtant
people." Iii other words, I guess he was saying, you want
people who are important. But there's more. Gotlicb
said they also try for "lawycrs who are very prominent
in the P"Y structures, 1)emocratic or Republican. And
their peisonality he/ps."
l'he ambassador likes to handle the wine selection
himself. He tolti me, though, that his own highly at-
tuned palate is at odds with the baser tastes ofhis guests.
"Washingtonians," he told mc, "are not all that interest-
ed in g(x)d wine. They have flO nOSC. On the other hand,
they like to think they're drinking good wine, f some-
body ¡cils them they're drinking good wine. But they arc
flot really appreciative of' the wines."
Another essential ingredient of a really good Wash-
ington l):lrtY, Allan Gotlieb instructs, is a clever seating
arrangement. "This," he says, "is the critical thing. It is
by far the most Idifficult, becausel a party means basical-
ly who is on your left and who is on your right." He says
that when it comes to seating, guests, like real estate
"I Í/!i /i()./ (1CVC101X'rS. arc ntcrstcd n usi threc words: locution,
lou-ation, location. 'And really. quite Of(CI1fl()( to toot
OLI r h()rfl J (lo hcar that I)C(>})IC Vh() COIfl(' IO OLI r I)artIcs
f'ooiis/i t 1/C't
say, \VcII, I was really (lcIIghtc(I to tïcct So-arI-
SO. . .
¿('('iC tu' flu u \\'hat thc ( )tJ ichs lai! to rncnt on n tiici r list of rty
fliusts ; that for a ;ca/ly excitnig 1/nie thercs nothing
(lLIitC Iikc i goo(l OId-fdShlOflCd catfight on thc Iront
/)(1(k(!. I/iCY ¿.Ot StC1)% ISthc gucsts are irriving. 'Fhis Mrs. ( ;OtIicL) glori-
nusI): providcd when she whacked her social secretary
flOt OflCC hut tWICC across Lili f.ìcc, after tin secretary
il li/I/c (/11(114 (1/1(1
tÙI( I her i Iit I )ick 1)arrnan hzI canceled his iul.iiìs to
C()iIi( (I inner the ( ;OtI iehs were tu roving tIit night
tO I
(/1(1/) 1 U'1f'i k)r visiti ng (i,iuIii n I)11C minister Uriin 1vl ti1 ronry.
¡lie SIJj) flhiy Ii'e surprised the iotic VIÌ() 1)1(1 rca(I
ptifiy inagiziiic ;in(I newspaper prtiIc's ot her.
.iI I t I)SC
1(1 //jl(' )() ((k'
Utit to tI)C %Vh() kncvv I'r well. Sondra (otlich h.nI
jÏ L*I/MçI
t As one of the C ;tlieh
si inpiv I)IO%'t) her cover. The iì.isty t rut h 'as ()tit : la r
!1(I/lC(I off i/i' I iOifl I)cing a t) Cisygoi ng and giftc(I social ii;itctir, hc
%'.is, rat her, thc ;iiii il hcsisan ext r;i\igiiuIy PtiSlY high
/Iç/iI', ((/1(1 i/ìev
Itt vIio vouI(1 f.ivn like an CXCILC(l ¡nippv 'In guests
vcrc around iOd St()iflI) aINRIt the hìouse 1)1 rk i ng out
orders IC) ScrV.intS .uid st.i 11 vlieii they \'crcii't. I t lx
ii'ïe catfl(. unavoidal)ly appJrciit thit her social climb as
aII-ii[)ort:ii1t, aII-dcinaiidiiig. She vas sho'n to Ix cv-
(ry hit the sort of striving i)ilron site ri(Iicule(l in lier
I(,:;t COlUiflti. Social \Vashington initnediately closed
ranks around her it'ter the slap. l'Iic\' knew they had
/1i I/uS (/I)'/'' l)CCii taken in by lier, Fuit they weren't about to a(lflhit as
iiuch in PUl)lic.
Ritt br Mrs. ( ;otlich, hic iii the cnbassy residence
was never without its hardships. 'Vc'vc h.d so niuch
troul)le. she says, rekrring to the South African cnhas-
sy just around the corner. The dciiìonst rators arc prac-
tically at our dooictcp. So s'hat happens is, they park in
front of our P1 fl(l throw their Colonel Sanders
chicken iii (itir yard. Every denionstration attracts riff-
raíl of sonic sort."
l'vi rs. (otlich lutist also brave tite thoughdcssness of'
thc lXOI)Ie she ati1 her hUSl)Jiid in y te into their Iunìc.
., I guess the iflOst boorish guests were the nìcit packers,"
't shc told iiìc. l'hey got .t little drunk aiul they (lidnt
'aiit to leave.'' A lostcss is not vitliout lier t ricks, how-
ever. "So turned oli the lights,'' Mrs. (otlich re-
't'
CdIIC(l, "and they were vai1(ler1ng aroiin&l in the (lark."
"I People will conic an hour early. or something like
I
that,'' she a(l(led. 'Some group caine when :\llanj '.is
having a nceting, ;in(I hei asked them to leave. So one
VOIfl.iti vas iiisultC(l. luit tItis 'ould not be H'ïs/iuizgzon.
lIns would he P°P1 who are corning to stargaze. You
knov vt'lit I incjn"
Most annoying of all to Mrs. (otlicb are guests with
acquisitive fingers. She fears cspccially fTor her collection
ofsmall cigarette cases. "People think they're in i hotel,"
she shrieks, 'dii(l thit they ciii take away things as sou-
vcnirs!" lt's tacky and insulting to her guests and Mrs.
(otlich really hates having to do it, hut she simply intist,
she says, clear away all her cigarette cases for large l)1r-
ties. Sure enough. it 1)0th the black-tie party on lri(lay
iiight iii&l the l)rtinch fr the AnnenLxrgs on Suilay,
the cigarette cases vcre 1101 in evidence. Mrs. (otheh's
security measures notwithstanding, a family l)rtrat
(llsappcarc(I the evening ol tile blick -tic ìrty. I k now
t his l)ccause I got a phone call a couple of (lays later
li)(tiirii1g if' I had, ,)crIi.tl)s, 'l)()rrOWc(I" the photograph.
Mrs. ( ;Oilicl) had one of the PC01)Ie at the embassy fian-
dIe this unpleasant lisincsson account of' her being
too inticli of ,i Lidy, (lont you know.
I atten(lC(I drevv to a
clos, I rcall' couldn't recall ever having been in such i
hurry to sec the hacks of two pcol)lc's hca(Is. All that
rcnhainc(l 'i i\llaii ( ;O1h('hs toist. (I vas horrifìcd to
learn troni him that lic dcl i'crs one .it almost every p;irty
t hey gi ve.) I was i n suc h a rush to leave that, to be frank,
I heard I it tie of svIti t t he anl)assa(lor said in his speech. I
a(ltnir('(l, lR,wcvcr, the scason('(l way he nianagcd to
pick tip his train of thought aller each ofhis vifTe's iiiiiy
interruptions, cacti of which drew successively less iicr-
OLiS laughter roui t he guests. I was about to bolt for the
coatrooii when Ed Miese stciùtl to oiler i toast to the
(otlicbs. h lis reniarks alluded to how much Washing-
toil SVOLil(I illiSS the couple once they vcr' gone .111(1
'hat their íins night be for the future. I k n.sv that an
origi iii I (ircsl;ii) lili n had it t liai i he Cou P1 svoul(I stay
iii Vv'ishingtoii thu I I, say, this year, svhcii i\llan ( ;otlicb
would leave g()s'crnici1t for h)riVatc l)usiness, h)r1)iI)lY
in 'loronto, vherc their daughter hics. 'Ihis night liase
lx:cn a cover for ss'h.it was reportedly his truc intentto
join Mike I)eavcr's public relanons 6rn, a plan that was
(jtiecrcd wlieii I )cavcr's entrepreneurial zeal was cx-
P05C(l as being a trifle unscenily. Ask most people about
the' (otlicbs these days .iii(l they svill say that they have,
in effect, already gone hack to Canada. Iogottcn but not
gone, to borrow a ( ;eorgc Kauuinan line.
As Meese lifled his glass to the coul)le, the time
tiC1 red I O:3() P'1 W it h i ii ii i iì u tcs clii ti t'feti rs had been
su ii i i iR )I)('d a 11(1 t he gticsts had hegti ii to depart. M rs.
( otlich looked })le;ised svitli hersel f "I n \'asliiiigton,''
ln' had told inc earlier. 'it (locsn't nLlttcr whether
you're i ifloVic star or whether you're in real estatc or
whether youR' in gos'criiiiic'rit. 'l'hcrc's always one mar-
s'clous tu i ng to tal k mlnit , 1tRl that 's 1xlitics. I like
\Vashm ugton for thi.it reason." IVIost of her guests had
left, and I was about to do the SaiiC myself vvhcn I
passed by the livuig room and paused to contemplate the
fesv st rmgg k' rsnot (I ri ii k i ng, not sniok i ng, lost to the
world i ¡It I la nc i ng to t hr sou rid of il it mes.
M:RC}I I9(7 SPY 41
 The Duchess of Windsor was wrong. Even when her weight
dropped to 8 7 po unds, resulting in hemorrhaging ulcers, she
clung with bony hands to a pillow bearing herfamous motto.
Some call this class. We call it extremism. As NELL SCOVELL
discovered, the evidence suggests that indeed, you can be

In New York there is an invcrse

tionship bctwecn a woman's dress size and the sizc of
ANNE BASS
Smoking through dinner
and taking ballet class
hcr apartmcnt. A sizc 2 gcts a 14-room apartment. A every doy help keep f ive-
size 14 gcts a two-room apartment. This phcnomcnon is foot-six-inch Anne Bass
counterintuilive, since the larger woman would seem to in o size 4. If she hod
been stoying at 98
need more space. But need has nothing to do with it.
pounds for her husband,
Rubcncsque heft on a woman USC(l to be a sure sign of oil millionaire Sid Bass,
wealth, as only the rich could afford to cat well. At Le her labors were futile.
Cirque these days, thc ladies who lunch play with their Last fall he ron off
$28 prix fixe meals and rome out thinner than they went with another skinny,
in. Miraculously, even those who like to cat seem not to Mercedes Kellogg. But he
gain weight. (In fact, one moneyed scarecrow donates
need never worry about
confusing them in the
her soiled couture castoffs to the Metropolitan Musc- dark. "Mrs. Kellogg has
um's Costume Institute. Soiled, says an Institute source, more curve than Mrs.
not with sweat or champagne, but with vomit.) Bass," says Booz Mozor,
Such emaciation is worth nothing ifit is not Haunted: of Oscar de la Renta.
diamond chokers clasp chicken necks, Chanci chains "Mrs. Bass has very nice
bind boyish hips, emeralds droip from shriveled car- legs and large shoulders,
but she is very flot.
lobes. And doesn't it seem that the more the wife (licts,
Frankly, Mrs. Boss has no
the more the husband balloons? (It's all those power bust at all."
breakfastsa necessary part of fulfilling the "too rich" Still, Anne Bass might
halfofthc aphorism.) Evenings, the couples march off to wind up with as much
black-tie affairs looking like Olive OyI and Bluto. as $400 million from
Still, self-deprivation can pay off. Look at Nancy her pending divorce
settlement (ond the
Reagan and Princess Diana. But the line between ele-
continued company of
gancc and anorexia is, welloh, all rightextremely dancer turned walker
thin. 'Which øfthesc women cross it? Decide for yourself. Peter Martins).

4 SPY MARCH 19$?

t \\.jø'
 MERCEDES KELLOGG
"You listen to your body and it tells you the
things you want,' says Mercedes Kellogg,
Sid Bass's new squeeze and the estranged
wife of former ambassador Francis Kellogg.
"If you're craving meat, you need the blood."
Though five feet six and three-quarters
inches toll and 110 pounds, Kellogg
mointains that she has never dieted. "I
smoke, I drink, I eat," she says. "I used to
weigh 125 pounds, but it was puppy fat. I
Jost the weight by moving houses." A size 4
or 6, Kellogg says, "J have tried everything
in exercise, but it does not agree with me."
Financially, Kellogg is a questionable
starter on this list, but partisans say she's
bound to make the move from Park to Fifth
with her new steady.
w- NAN KEMPNER
At five feet nine inches, Nan Kempner, wife
of Loeb Partners Corporation chairman Tom
Kempner, is the tallest size 4 on the list.
Still, she 5ays, "J am faux maigre I look
thinner than I am." Unlike most of the
rapaciously scrawny, Kempner does not
weigh herself obsessively. "The last time I
weighed myself, I was under i i 5 but I was
wearing a big fur coat and shoes at the
time." She claims she doesn't starve herself,
either. "She eats like a horse," says Glenn
Bernbaum, owner of Mortimer's. Kempner
does, however, have an aversion to
sweetbreads and oysters. "The last time I
ate an oyster, I was three years old they're
ugly, slimy, icky-poo," she says. "Other than
that, I'll eat anything and anyone,"
'1
-_- - BROOKE HAYWARD
Despite Brooke Hoyward's efforts to affect
o matronly look, enshrouding her thin hips
and flat chest in earth-mother draperies, her
chicken neck tells all. The five-foot-seven-
inch Braudwoy brat wears o size 6 and
weighs between 108 and flO pounds. "I
don't like the look of very thin women,
especially past the age of 45," she says.
Hayward is 49 and attributes her weedy
figure to genetics, not willpower. "I don't
diet at all. I eat three meals a day," she says.
"What's more, to be really hideous, I don't
exercise at all." Hayward's best-selling
1977 autobiography, Haywire, was turned
into a miniseries, and husband Peter Duchin
pulls in $5 million a year from his dance
band business.
'ii
HELEN GURLEY BROWN
"I weigh 105 and I'm five feet four
inches tall," says Cosmopolitan editor
Helen Gurley Brown. But sometimes
fat people consumed with jealousy try
to thwart her dieting efforts. "One
aggravated hostess put chocolate
chips in my Sanka out in the kitchen
one doy, then gleefully told me what
she hod done after I drank. Bitch!"
wrote Brown in Having If All. These
saboteurs "can't stand that you have
the discipline to do what you did. If
you weigh less than they do, they
want you to gain," she said recently.
The wife of film producer David
(Jaws) Brown and a resident of the
Beresford, she admits that staying a
size 2 is hard work. "I'm always
feeling guilty or hungryone or the
other."
I=== $$$WALTH$$$
44 SPY MARCI I 1987
MARY TYLER MOORE
Remember how cute 'n' curvy
Laura Petrie looked in her
stretch pants? Today those
pants would bìllow. At five
feet seven inches, Mary Tyler
Moore wears o size 6,
although her publicist says
she "lost a lot of weight"
filming her 1986 smash, Just
Between Friends. In the movie
she acrobicized maniacally,
looking like a stick of beef
jerky in a leotard (inset).
Moore, a diabetic, avoids
sugar and goes to ballet class
every doy. As part owner and
chairman of MTM
Productions, Moore is worth
about $30 million.
NANCY KISSINGER (left) Nearly six feet toll and o size 8,
Nancy Kissinger looks as if she's been stretched on a rock, with
special attention lavished on the arms (inset). Her secret? A
lethal regimen of Coke and cigarettes. As for exercise,
Kissinger has been known to go o few rounds at on airport now
and then. Henry's company, Kissinger Associates, reportedly
grosses $4 million o year enough to keep her in Coke, Virginia
Slims and a Riverhouse co-op.
ANNETTE REED (right) The wispy five-foot-five-and-a-half-
inch, 98-pound Annette Reed slips easily into a size 2, but it
wasn't always that way. "I used to be enormous," Reed says of
her teen years, when she bloated to 150 pounds. Strangely,
though her waist now measures on ethereal 21.5 inches and her
back is topographically indistinguishable from her chest (inset),
old feeding habits endure. "No wheat germ for me," she says.
"I love candy bars and Coca-Cola." Reed lives in a suite at the
Carlyle to be near her boyfriend, bald designer Oscar de lo
Renta, but she doesn't have to worry about the hotel bill (rates
start at $10,700 per month). Forbes estimates that Reed, her
four sisters and her mother, Jane Engelhord, ore worth over
$365 million, thanks to the late mineral magnate Charles
Engelhard Jr., the prototype for lan Fleming's Auric Goldfinger.
CAROLYNE ROEHM
Carolync Rochm is all ongles:
nose, chin, shoulders and elbows
all jut like sharpened steel. And
yet Roehm's chest is strangely flot.
At five feet nine and a half inches,
she weighs 120 pounds and wears
a size 6. Her husband, Henry
Krovis, the leveraged-buyout
specialist, is worth at least $180
million; they hove bought a $5.5
million Pork Avenue apartment
and o $ .43 million Renoir.
Kravis perhaps threatened with a
sharp hipbone olso staked his
wife millions when she launched
her own couture line.
DIANA ROSS
Diana Ross's hunger for forne
has clearly overwhelmed her
hunger for food. Her vital
statistics: five feet three
and a half inches tall;
size 2/4; seven-year, $20
million RCA recording
contract, which shc
supplements with Motown
royalties and $300,000-a-
week appearances in Los
Vegas and Atlantic City.
Onstage, Ross wears
skintight costumes a major
change from the 1960s, when
she used to pad her hips and
bosom. Her nose has also
gotten noticeably, surgically
thinner since then.
,
MARISA BERENSON
Large (five feet eight inches
tall) and leon (less than i i 5
pounds), ex-model Marisa
Berenson wears a size 4 and
avoids sidewalk grates. The
granddaughter of Elsa
Schiaparelli, grandniece of
Bernard Berenson, daughter
of Robert L. Berenson and
estranged wife of Trump
lawyer and publicity hound
Richard Golub, she now
claims to be pursuing a film
career in Europe. Like Helen
Gurley Brown and Annette
Reed, Berenson nicely
exemplifies the super-svelte
"chicken wing syndrome."
,
JACQUELINE ONASSIS
Although five foot six and a size
6, Onossis has a penchant for
long-sleeved gowns that nearly
excluded her from this list. But
her bony hands give her away
(inset). Perhaps she should return
to wearing the little white gloves
that she popularized as first
lady. A slavish exerciser, Onassis
jogs every day and rides nearly
every weekend. She lives on Fifth
Avenue and is estimated to be
worth $25 million, despite her
tiny salary os an editor at
Doubleday. Sister Lee Rodziwill,
who is even slimmer than
Onassis, would have made the
list had she not taken a public
relations job at Giorgio Armani.
Apparently she needed the
money.
 You THINK IT'S TOUGH TO BE
During any given
happy in New York? You don't know
/14,/Ch hour. the averag'
how tough. We certainly didn't, until
TVet' Yorkerc chances of
we commissioned noted statisticians
unding a ojee, ,V(ICJt :1)Ce,
CHRIS STERN and WILL DANA.
/t:J(l/ tlf'U)'tflJ(flf 1)1
The grim reality: all urban dreams
AIa,,J,attan arc I in 992,051.
end in utter despair. When it comes
i Iapf'v IZtflhlflL'
to finding happiness in New York,
the
ODDS
( ments. Remember too that for most of us, apartment
are
AGAINST
46 SPY MARCH 1987 Y minus those already irretrievably involved ¡n a romantic
So You'RE LOOKING FOR
AN APARTMENT IN THE CITY
TtwRi ARK 7,086,096 people in Ncw York City, and 70
percent of them are apartment dwellers.
THAT MEANS that 4,960,267 New Yorkers are corn-
peting for the 1,866,962 rentaL apartments in the city.
EACh YEAR, though,
35,000 ofthose rentals are
lost to co-op conversions
and another 25,000 prime
apartments are ware-
housed by landlords wait-
ing to convcrt them into
CO-Ol)S.
Wiiici i I.EAVES just
1,806,962 apartments.
BUT I
leased
n 5 of those is
illegally, which
leaves just 1,445,570 lcgally leased apartments in the
city.
SAY, THOUGIl, you want to live in a decent building
in a (Iccdilt area. Is that so much to ask?
ApI'ARINTIx, Yis. Precisely 20.5 percent ofthc rental
apartments are on blocks with hoarded-up buildings,
and another 21.3 percent are in buildings with at least 3
major maintenance problems. 'Tan percelìt of all New
Yorkers kcl thcy live in bad neighborhoods, and 29 per-
cent of all apartments are inkstcd with rodents.
Witicit I.FAVES just 277,549 nice New York City
apartments.
BUr LETS FACE IT: you want to live in Manhattan.
And the island is home to only 35 percent of all New
York City rentals.
W}-irci-I LEAVES ust 97,142 nice apartments in
Manhattan.
THF.N YOU HAVE to factor in the vacancy rate, which
this year is estimated at 2
WHICH LEAVES just I 942 available, nice, rodent-free
and legal apartments in Manhattan.
ANI SINCE there are 365 days a year, on any given
day there are only 5 available apartments. And remem-
ber that 4,960,267 other peopie want those five apart-
hunting is limited to lunch hour, a couple ofhours after
work and weekends. Which means that in any given
hour free for apartment hunting, the average New
Yorker's chances of finding a nice apartment are, oh,
about I in 992,053.
SOMEDAY
YOUR PRINCE WILL COME
YOURE A SINGLE WOMAN in your thirties and you want
to raise some kids and grow old with a man you love.
lo
THERE ARE approximately 543,194 single people be-
tween the ages of3O and 40 in New York City.
VNI:OR1UNATELY, there arc only 7.7 men for every
women.
Wiijci i MEANS there are 306,889 single women in
New York City competing for 236,305 single men.
BuT AT LEAST 13 percent of these bachelors are gay,
which leaves a possible pool of 205,585 available men
relationship (let's say about half). Also, 38,066 of the
men in New York City are homeless.
FACTOR IN T(X) the 2 percent of American males
who are in prison and another 2 percent who are in
mental institutions. Another I I percent are suffering
from chronic erectile dysfunction. Then you have to
eliminate the 14 percent who are alcoholics and the 24
percent who abuse drugs. And don't forget that IO per-
cent of American men don't get married before age 40.
THE FINAL NUMBER of sane, stable, law-abiding,
available men whom a woman might want to marry
is 23,949.
LET'S SAY you're over 30 years old and you heat the I-
in-13 odds and land one ofthese prizes. (The recent, oft-
cited Yale University "Marriage Patterns in the United
States" study says that ifyou are over 35 and you do find
a mate, you are in the lucky 3.9 percent.)
UNFORTUNATELY, about 50 percent ofall marriages
end in divorce.
AND IN THOS1 1IIAT SURVIVI, a recent and rather
frightening study claims that 70 percent ofall male part-
ners under the age of4O say they expect to have an affair.
WHAT IX)ES IT ALL MFAN? Simply this: for a woman
in New York between the ages of3O and 40, thc chances
of finding and keeping a solvent, sane, stable and faith-
ful husband are about I in 85. Happy hunting!
AND You WANT YOUR CHILD
TO HAVE IT ALL
RAISING A CHILD in the city with thc hope that someday
hc or she will become a well-paid partner at, say, Shear-
man & Sterling or Davis Polk & Wardwell presents you
with two options. You can take the high, expensive road
or the low, inexpensive road. The high road has the bet-
ter chance.
IN 1983, there were 17,565 births in Manhattan.
Which means that this year there are about the same
number ofaspiring 4-ycar-olds ready to begin the long
trek to Davis Polk.
THE FIRSTSTEP is to get your child into a prestigious
preschool. Good ones, such as St. Bart's, cost $3,650 an-
nually and accept only about 20 percent ofall applicants.
BUT LEVS REGENEROUS and assume our little candi-
date is ofsuperior intellect and manner and is accepted
into one of these prestigious preschools.
THE NEXT HURDLE is gaining entrance to a posh,
nonboarding private school. (A school like Trinity, for
example, takes ust 13.7 percent ofthe applicants for its
kindergarten class.)
54:) BY THE BEGINNING of first grade, the ficid has
shrunk to 481.
THEN YOUTHFUL VICES can tempt a budding barris-
ter from the virtuous path: 46 percent of'New York high
school students smoke marijuana (13 percent smoke in
the morning, before school evcn starts); 16 percent of
high school students have used cocaine; and about 4 out
of 10 high school girls get pregnant (35,469 pregnancies
were reported in the city in 1985). But let's forget all
that. Dropout rates, even
in private schools, can be
as high as 32 percent. ' "T
Again, let's he kind. Let's '
halve this percentage.
So I.1TS SAY your kid
is one of the 404 grinds
an weenies who stay the
courseand g
such as Trinity, Colle-
giate, Buckley and Dal-
>'
ton. What next?
NEXT IS I'IIE IvY LEAGUE. Unfortunately, schools
like Harvard and Yale acceptjust I out of8 applicants.
WHICH SHAVES our field to 50. Approximately
$75,000 later, let's just say 75 percent of our en-
traifls graduate and all want to continuc on to Harvard
Law School. Their chances ofgetting into Harvard Law
are I in IO.
ASSUME THAT yOUr aspirant is one of the 4 lucky
oncs. To get a ob at a major New York firm such as
Davis Polk, he or she had better make Law Review,
which only 25 in a class of 500 manage to do. Let's say,
itist for fun, that one of our candidates makes it and
ultimately graduates.
HE OR SItE is then thrown into the pool to get into
DavisPolk. The firm turns down 50 applicants for each
one it takes aboard as an associate.
Ti ¡EN THE CHOSEN begin a 7-ycar ordeal of 80-hour
weeks that is a prerequisite forbut no guarantee of
becoming a partner. Out ofthat initial group of5O asso-
ciates, only about 7, say, will be rewarded with full
partnerships.
You MAY NOT WANT to read any further. When it
comes down to it, the chances of your preschooler get-
ting through preschool, prep school, an Ivy League col-
lege, Harvard Law and Law Review and finally making
partner at Davis Polk are about I in 33,103,266.
ONE FINAl. WARNING to those who foolishly
dream of a secure and fulfilling life in the city: the
chances of being a happily married female Davis Polk
partner in a nice Manhattan apartment are 1 in
2,791,400,000,000,000.
TAKE HEEl), for alas, the numbers never lie. )
MARCH 1987SPY47

0 leagues. ar(Ior that never loses controlSatur-
w penchant for extremely creaky metaphors) in
w gold in spite of her origins in Bauxite, Ark.,
z into thin air like an undcrgra(luatc bluffing an
o UTCHERED
BROADWAY?
J by Michèle Bennett
I-IELlA), EVERYONE!
_l*,1I*?_ As I was saying, when it
corncs to music criticism,
anything can happcn.
iii 11:U
I TT s
So John Rockwell of The
New York Times can corn-
pare Paul Simon not only to a "scrious Woody
Allen" but to Mozart. As an innocent obscrv-
i cr, I would say that the only thing Paul Simon,
Woody Allen and Mozart have in common is
that all three are rathcr small, but if Rockwell
compares Simon's talent to Mozart's, so be it.
"Mr. Simon has created an all)urn-length song
cycle that far transcends the normal pop rec-
i s ord for complexity and richnesswithout sac-
rificing the immediaic appeal of any decent
pop product (like, say, Mozarts 'Eine Kleine
Nachtrnusik' 200 years ago) ......
In GQ, Stephen Fried compared Simon to
some P°P products closer to home: "With
Grace/and, Simon . . . joins the handful oípop-
music standard-bearers who are similarly de-
ii vote(l to synthesis: the Joe Jacksons, the Elvis
Costellos, the Stings." The Stings?
Mcanwhik. Bernard Holland oî the Time
was so moved by the Yale Chamber Music Se-
ries that he informcd US of his temptation to
go hack to school, all things bcing equal. "It
was an unusually instructive evening," his en-
thusiastic review concluded. "And indced,
had this writer been a tccn-agc StU(lCflt in
search of musical principlesseltlessness, the
willingness aiid ability to hear your col-
(lay's concert would have scnt him scurrying
to Yale's admission office."
0h, for the "ardor that never loses control"!
On the other hand, I)onal Henahan of the
Times revealed a little social snoblry (and his
his discovery ofa future diva in Susan l)unn
of the Washington Opera's Trovatore: "Miss
Dunn, whose talent may assay out as Vcrdian
sent hopes soaring Wednesday night .....
In The New Yorker, Andrew Porter soared
essay question. 'Xenakis's latest work to ap-
Iear is 'Keqrops' for piano and large orchestra
(with quadruple winds)," droned Porter.
"The title, according to a note on the score,
signifies a 'weaving togethcr of KREKOO'
and 'OPSIS;' in the absence of further expIa-
nation, one presumes that sorne blend of
striking the lyre' (or 'striking the loom') and
sight' is intended." Got that? "lt is hard to
write about music that is simply itself," Porter
a(l(Ied, and if that means what I think it
means, he proved his point nicely in his review
of Keqrops.
How Sweet it is when someone, apart from
your Reviewer ofReviewers, takes on the her-
culean task of reviewing them. "David Denby's
review of The Mosquito Coast is quite the sil-
liest and sloppiest piece ofwriting I have seen
in a very long time," wrote Paul Thcroux of
East Sandwich, Massachusetts, in the Letters
page of New York magazine. Theroux is, of
course, the author ofthe novel on which Peter
Weir's movie was based. Makes no difference
to his )u(lgment, naturally. He continued: "lt
is absurd that Il)enbyl should take ofihis hat
to mc and then talk through it. . . . It is more
than a good filmit is perhaps a great one."
"Peter Weir's film is gripping, powerful,
brilliantly realized an(l true to the novel,"
wrote the same Paul Theroux of East Sand-
wich, Massachusetts, in the Mail page of
Ncwsweck. "lt is a great pity that your readers
have been misled that it is otherwise. That is
from the horse's mouth."
And here is the horse again, in the Letters
page of Time: "In a welter of desperate corn-
monplaccs, your critic claims that Peter Weir
has made a bad job ofthe movie The Mosquito
Cous:. . . . As the author of the novel, I think I
have greater authority than your reviewer for
saying otherwise. The movie is triumphant,
not only beautifully made but a great adven-
turc, magnificently acted and directed."
'I'hc movie is nothingofthc kindbut who
needs my humble opinion when you have the
reviewers'? "T/ic Mosquito C'oast," Denhy
wrote in reply to the raving Theroux, "was
panned by both critics ofihe Times and by the g,
critics of Newsweek, Time, The Village Voice,
and New York, and ignored by the critic of The
Neu' Yorker. In the world oscrjous movie re-
viewing, that's about as close to a COflSCflSUS
you ever get."
So on to a most imlx)rtant question: is the
Times's Frank "the Iutchcr of Broadway"
Rich to blame fbr the Broadway musical sea-
son turning out to be yet another pisser? Many
people believe so, particularly the producers of
musicals. But consider the following reviews
chaL appeared the morning after the Broad-
way opcning of yet another British import,
Stepping Out, directed by the eternally opti-
mistic Tommy Tune.
"The play is openly manipulative. lt has a
puppy-like need tO be liked, and to be thought
funny and touching by turn. Of course, it is
not. h is merely coarse, clumsy. and maudlin.
Its yokes are signaled a mile oft Its characters
have the depth ofwaxworks in cartoon. Their
troubles are agony-colum n conventional"
(Clive Barnes, the New York l'osi).
"Only a few of the actors have made the
characters full enough that we can believe
Lhcy have a hIc outside the church basement.
In this production most oí them arc cartoon
figures . . (Howard Kissel, the Daily News).
. They have in min(l, no doubt, the mysterious
"lfyou tried to remake 'A Chorus Line' hut
removed the professionalism, dynamic char-
acters, new music and pizzazz you might
comc up with something like 'Stepping Out'"
(Allan Wallach, New York Newsday).
"And Mr. Tune has invested so little energy
in the dialogue scenes that he seems as unin-
terested in them as we are. During one par-
ticularly perfunctory exchange, an irrelevant
yet prolonged discussion olthc perils of own-
Ing a bicycle in contemporary I .ondon, 'Step-
ping Out' itsclfsccms on the verge of nodding
out. Mercifully, the show-stopping finale ar-
rives soon after, but can a show-stopper still be
called a show-stopper when there isn't a show
to stop?" (Frank Rich, The New York Times).
In the world of Broadway reviews, that's
about as closc to a consensus as you can get. Is
Butcher ofBroadway Rich to blame? Look at
the reviews of the previous Broadway bomb,
smile, by the multitalented Marvin Hamlisch:
'Nothing to smile about" (The New Yorker).
'No laughing matter" KNew Yo,k). "THERE
ISNT A WHOI.E LOT BEI lINE) THIS SMILE" (the
Uaily News). "AN EMPTY SMtLE' (IREETS
HROAI)WAY" (New York Newsday). "When a
show has more endings than it (10es numbers
in its second act, that's a sure sign that it lacks
creative vitality and an igniting point of Cations? Like children at their first sock hop,
view. . . . Too many of the other smiles in
Smile,' like those of its beauty-pageant con-
tcstants, are forced" (Frank Rich, the Times).
Virtually alone in finding Smile "a plea-
sure" was William A. Henry Ill, drama critic
ttTime. Henry 1H, as opposed to Henry 1V, is,
Iowcvcr, a reviewer whose critical perspective
encourages him to compare Neil Simon favor-
ably to Eugene O'Neill, 1ennessee Williams,
Sam Shepard and Chekhov. At least he didn't
as compare him to Woody Allen and Mozart.
Why, then, is the dread Frank Rich blamed
for the state of Broadway, when most other
reviewers are often in tune with him? lt is not
the personal PC)WC of Rich but the enormous
of the cultural section of the Times, or
God, that accounts for it. The Times could Their writers should sport a Plimptonesque
hire Bozo the Clown as its drama critic and it
would make little or no difference. Bozo
would still be the most influential drama critic
¡n America, because the Times has the most
influential cultural sectionthe only influen-
tial one, I am sometinies willing to believe.
What I say is, give Bozo a break. Broadway
theater has lost its way and its nerve; it no
longcr launches serious drama (except for thc
"Chekkovian" Neil Simon); it has bccome a
British colony; it is bankrupt ofits greatest in-
vention, the American musical. Don't shoot
the criticshoot the l)rJucers. After all,
Broadway reviewers, like vaudeville comics,
can only l)C as good as their material. Spare a
thought for them as they search for signs of
life in "the fibulous invalid that is Broadway"
short story by Gabriel García Marquez in
which a tcrrificd mother asks the (loctor how
her ailing child is. "Madam," replies the doc-
(or dryly, "your child has a grave illncss: hc is
dead." I gotta go now.
THOSE WHO
EDIT
by Celeste de Brunhoff
SURELY RUNNING A
_;*u * magazine is a lonely propo-
I
5tiOfl. How else to explain
the insecurities publishers
l]flu1;
and editors so sedulously
display in the "Notes" and
"Letters" they write to introduce their publi-
the authors alternate between bashfulness and
false bravado, running a shy comb through
their hair while sneaking glances across the
gym at their audience, thinking only this:
Please like my magazine; please like me.
But for droit (lu seigneur, these bibelots
would never get into print. When staffers at
these otherwise laudable publications read the
latest mucilage from on high, they know what
it feels like to be a presidential aide when Ron-
aid Reagan looks up from his carefully pre-
pared text and begins, genially, to dither.
fhese I .etters are the coffee-table book equiv-
aIent of George Stcinbrcnncr whacking the
dirt froñi his Top-Sidcrs and stepping into the
batter's box to face a Roger Clemens f'sstball.
appreciation olbeing literary lions out of their
league. Sadly, these people arc serious.
Most serious ola11, at least oliate, is Judith
Daniels, managing editor of l.qfc. All Time
Inc. publications use their Notes to take the
readers behind the scencs, but Daniels's first
missive, in June 1985, took us aitnost too far
she was revealed as a mousy hand-wringer, a
June (.leaver. Daniels's "Lct Mc Tell You
About My Week" confided, "I worry about
Chris Whipple and photographer Grey Villet,
who are tracking a story in South Africa. (Is
this a gender difference? I wonder. Do male
editors get as anxious as I do about sending
reporters and photographers into countries
where bombings and shootings are the
norm?)" Aw, gee whiz, Mom.
But Daniels seems to have been scarred by
her ill-starred note in December 1985, which
gushed about the latest Lije space cover, "this
one heralding 1986 as NASA's busiest, boldest
year yet. . . . And by late '86, a journalist
the trip into orbit."
Since then, Daniels's writing can't avoid
creaking like a dunning noticc, most notably
in fasten-your-seat-belt transitions (e.g., "In
this issue are two other articles that deal with
subjects much in the news." Whcw, made it).
And when Daniels tries to connect, to sug-
gest that Lift's stories have meaning, she dis-
plays an impressively bleak myopia. In the
J uly issue she wrote, "A story on MIAs is in-
CIU(IC(I to remind us of Vietnaisi and to raise
serious questions about our government's role
when the deep feelings of its citizens collide
with international issues." l,et us pray.
Speaking of humorless myopia (to crib a
Daniels transition technique), the record for
its sustained exhibition west of the Iron Cur-
tain is held by Time. Following in the great
Time tra(lition, the magazine's current pub-
lisher (in mid-January 1987 Robert L. Miller
replaced Richard B. Thomas)or, more pre-
cisely, the staffdrone who ghostwrites A Let-
ter From the Publishergoose-steps to the
met ronome of relentless sel f-aggrandizement.
Time's two favorite conceits are its rapa-
cious efficiency and its staffers' deep involve-
ment with their subject matter. Back in
October, for instance, we learned about the
difficulties posed by the Reykjavík summit: a
story that ended on Sunday had to be on the
newsstands the next afternoon. "It was a big
MARCH 1987 SPY 49
 story. ofcoursc bigger than a hrvidhox? No.
I)Ut .big enough for TIME to scud cght
. .
I,
rcportcr% and fivc photographcrs to Icd;ind."
Everyone worked ovcrimc. all wcckcnd,
rush. rush, rush, and thcy madc ¡t out on timc.
"A Sunday-morning prcsidcntial mecting In
Iceland was a special tct, hut that goal is one
that 'I1Mt pursues each weck o thc ycar
the alleged Thomas conclu(kcI. (In the t'icc of
such pride, I almost hesitate to out that
ucwspapers catiic out with the sarnc in horma-
tion tittt ¡orning.)
Tirncs effort to tic its sLaf( into somehow1
thccovcrstory must pain the cmployees called
up()It to %Ul)l)IY the pointedly inane quotes that
imply they 9i.end aLl their free time musing
about that wceks subcct. 1hc publisher's
t;te for January 12's cover story, ,uut 1RAVEL:
I1O\V SAFE IS (T? (which arrived on news-
StaiRis the day after the worst railroad disaster
tn recent memory), strung together a series of
blah quotes from five T1m correspondents
who spend a lot oítimc on airplanes, an(l lèa-
turc(l a of dyspeptic-looking Chicago
corrcsport(len( Lee Grïggs awuiing takeoff.
The point ofthe letter: even though these cor-
rcSpOfl(kfltS are seasoned rcporwrs, they still
take airplanes ust like you and me, ¿tiiti some-
Limes they get nervous, just like you and me.
But not too nervous, the supposed Thomas re-
ported: "lt is noteworthy thai lew of these re-
porters, many of whom log tens of thousands
of miles each year, express fears t'or thctr own
safety while abOar(l an aircraft." Given the
cover story. this means either that the foothar-
d) reporters arc hell-bent on their own de-
struction or, more likely, that the story
exaggerates the (langer in order to
magazi oes.
Mix these two devices together, a(Jd a sea-
soiicd reporter or two, and you have the week-
ly Hardy Boys adventure story: Sometimes
only the best will do. Last ue1 ten 111v/E re-
fPO)IC))aimed wily with s/sarpcncd pencils and
nimble wit,c parachuted behind enemy lisic in
strife-torn ilfghanistan. Ry the wa» ¡he)' tt'CC
wearing afghan coats. Dodging cncmv gunfire.
they dug out a sophisticated TIME story. a ¡sor)'
ofu cou,it,y ¡or?? by szrfe. Their copy was smug-
gled into the hollowed-otis runners ofa dog.cled.
and a team of TIME-traincd hu4ics raced ¡he
oe'e'r the tundia into jo//y old Engluiid.
.cIor)'
where London Bureau Chief Barney Rubble
transmitted it to New Yoa4 Says Rubble, "Oft
him gehed anhasa." ("I too have an afghan
coat.") TIME's crack :,anslato; turncdjolly old
English into modern English. and our editorial
siaJ] wrote, edited and laid out s/ar magazine in
just owr 16 minutes. &plaincd Fditor in Chief
Thurston Houdi Ill. "We arc a good magazine,
and you may quote me on that. Staff Writer (ruy
D. Garcia. Whoops! I mean, you may quote inc
on i/Jut, Publisher Robert L.. ¡Willc;fiir you real-
'y do write this column."
sil SPY MAR(:H 1957
After Rolling Stone editor/publisher Jann
Wenncr bought U5 anl became its editor too.
his chirpy, ghost%'rittcn Letter From the Edi-
tor in the new Uss first issue promised happy
days ahead. "In the issues to come, wcll be
introducing you to other writers, editors,
and )hotogra)ltcrs COfltril)Lltiflg to US ......
But when V!eiiiter finally did trot out his
underlings, the results were harrowing. "For
US senior editor Cyndi Stivers, reporting and
writing a story about Sylvester Stahlone posed
as many logistical difilcukics as one of Rain-
bo's missions. Stivers had to fly out to Los An-
geles in the evening. head for the Rocky It" set
the next day to interview Stallone, then fly
back in tizne to write he story on deudhiuc
all in a(l(hitu)n to writing an(l e(liting our
Faces & l'laccs section." Combat veterans
agree: taking two commercial-airline flights
and driving to a film set is just as logistically
difficult as si nglc-liandedly rescuing prisoners
from the trackless jiingks of' Vietnam.
Wenner. unlike his peers, wisely gave UI)
his editorial letters.
lt must be 5.11(1 that there arc a few editors
who can whet the reader's appetite without
cloying it. When Wendy Reid Crisp was at
Savvy, she wrote with humor an(l dash, as does
the maga'.inc's new editor in chief, Annalyn
Swan.
And Betsy Carter, editor of New Yvik
Woman, is usually tolerablewith appalling
lapses. l.ast October, Carter described the at-
mosphere at the M'l'V Video Music Awards:
"Ncedlcss to say, On stich an exciting evening
tensions ran high. One rather lugubrious
young worker in black hair, a black shirt. and
sell black pants StOO(l sullenly by the bar holding
on to his broom. 'You could smile tonight,' an
older man, presumably his boss, whispered.
'Gimme money.' shot l)aCk the unsmiling as-
sistant." Ah yes. the crackle oftenson that at-
tends watching someone whisper to a sullen
employee.
In the same column, Carter wrote, "Tina
Turner (lOcs honor to words like cool, worn-
an, and starnot to mention hair." I like the
idea of those forlorn words loitering in the
twilight ofCOflhlOtatiOfl, waiting for the author
of!, Tina to fulfill them.
Speaking of Tinas (actually, Judy [):iuiels
may be onto something with these transi-
tions), 1'ina Brown heralds Vanity Fair's arriv-
al with Sacher torte proseher favorite words
arc rich and ?ic/alyan(l soufflé sensibility.
Brown's confections arc eagerly awaited at
Condé Nast, where her monthly preening
provokes hoots of laughter.
But perhaps further consideration of Tina
should waitI worry chat too long a litany of
e(hitorial sins will sadden, not delight.
Next month I'll take up Tina, Cosmnopoli-
tan's I Jeten (;tirtey Brown and Esquire's for-
mer owner, the dread Phillip Moffitt.
Is THE BEST
DISGUISE
by Luc Sante
IN TI-lE NINETEENTH
_________________ century it was common to
- '1l'l
qilliti
see young adults staggering
ofthe forest where they
had been raised by wolves.
If there has been a paucity
of stich incidents in our own day, it ¡s simply
because we have been looking n the wrong
j1;iees. Take the case of Stephen P Reynolds,
whom we might call the Bus Hoy. Young Ste-
pheiì was iii love with buses. I-Ic would gaze at
them longingly; climb aboar(I when he could
come up with the fare; take jobs, when they
were available, at bus garages or in bus park-
ing lots. Unable to live in a bus, he slept in
abandoned ca rs, perhaps imagining each
cramped backseat as but one of a double ro
01 O. ( )n the morilitig of October 27, after
mitch Cintasy, much nervous dcliI)eratiOfl and
much planning, he dressed up as a driver and
Wi1)ed an Academy Bus Tours l)Us at the
l7ltl Street Port Authority terminaI.
Ile drove it to Fort Lee, New Jersey. picked
up a load of passengers fur Manhattan, took
them across the bridge, took on a new set of
Jcrsey-b()un(l riders and repeated this shuttle
for two 1fl(l a half hours. Since he was doing it
not t'or money but for love, he charged psse1-
gers a reduced rate of 50 cents. I-le was even
planning to return the bus to its dock in time
tr a scheduled afternoon run, but before he
could do that he was arrested on tIte New Jcr-
scy side and charged with grand larceny.
l'bis tale has it all: nerve, danger, passion,
color, sweep. Also, a breathtaking costume
change, transforming an ordinary youth into
an invisible functionary. This bit is essential:
the white shirt, blue tic. coin changer hanging
iron) the belt. One recalls G. K. Chestcrton's
"Invisible Man," in which a vast country
manse is the scene ofa murder. Family, guests
and servants all have airtight alibis. Finally,
and with much (lifficulty, the culprit is discov-
cred. It is the mailman. Mailmen. we are as-
surcd by the author, arc invisible. In addition
to getting a thrill from affixing that coin
changer, Stephen Reynolds subscribed to this
school of disguise: always blend in.
There are, of course, other options avail-
able. Some criminals go for the brazen ap-
1ÍXÑ1 I N

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-,
Jr7ç

.-

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g-...

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RESIDENTIAL COMMERCIAL INDUSTRIAL AGRICULTURAL

305 Church SL. NYC 10013 212 219-3070

proach, such as Michael W. Jackson (no
rclacion) of Indianapolis, who painted his face
silver and black ¡n the course of an cncrgetic
crime spree last fall during which he slew two
and kidnapped five and stole seven vehicles. lt
is not known whether he operated a siren as
well, or hired men to follow him with sand-
wich hoards displaying a running tally.
Bank robbers ofthe over-the-counter vari-
cty arc perhaps the most preoccupied with the
question of disguise, since they arc prey to
snooping vidcams and the like. (Six years ago
there occurred che wonderful case oí the prc-
teen bandit who held up a midtown bank and
was never caught because, at less than four
and a halffeet tall, he was too small to L)e regis-
tered by the security camera.) Paper bags with
holes cut in them remain a perennial favorite,
and it is even now difficult to find a ski mask
for saie in many ncighborhxxls of the city.
This past season's thievery highlights in-
elude the Cincinnati pair who robbed the
Fifth Third Bank (the F/M Third Bank?)
wearing Carter and Reagan masks, which im-
mediately made every tabloid in the country.
There was also the genius in Chicago who
dreamed up the eminently simple trick of
dressing as an armored-car employee, causing
tellers to beg him co relieve them of $80,000.
Clever though these exercises may be,.they
represent a traditional heut. The criminal
avant-garde is meanwhile busy experiment-
ing with the headier challenges of minimal-
ism. The reigning champion of this mode of
expression is undoubtedly Rowena Riggs
Powell, a con artist redoubtable even by the
standards of the trade. Impersonations,
whether of military personnel, police officers
or pretenders to the Russian imperial throne,
have been going on forever, but most have de-
pen(led on a gimmick, a uniform or an accent.
Powell, late last year, took it upon herself to
pose as the sister ofAristotle Onassis and tern-
porarily succeeded, while bearing no rescm-
blanceofany kind to the late shipping magnate.
In every other respect, hers was a classic de-
ccption: the preying on cupidity, the dropping
of names. the phony million-dollar checks.
52 SPY MARCH 1987
The spree was even something ofa dud, con-
sidering that she made off with mere goods
and services to the tune of less than $25,000.
Nevertheless, she managed it with few or no
props and a physical demeanor that was, writ,
big and fat and American as all hull. lii thc
slammer, she continues to insist on tirr kin-
ship to Ari. Come to think of it, maybe Nhc'S
telling the truth.
The logical minimalist extreme had been
attained not long before by one Trathony
Griffin of Bcllport, Long Island, who made a
single, unsuccessful attempt at a muggingin
broad daylight, while wearing a bandanna, a
pair of sneakers and nothing else. A typical
undergraduate of c rimeambitious, over-
eager and not wildly astuteGriffin told ar-
resting officers that he thought his Adarnic
state would make him (lilficult to identify. He
had, however, neglcctcd to stash some cloth-
¡ng nearby. He was nabbed when he asked to
use a woman's phone, claiming to bea robbery
victim, and she overheard him calling some-
OflC other than the police.
(;rilfin was an amateur, but he was certain-
ly on the right track. This mode ofdisguisc is
elegant in its concc})lion and disquieting in its
effect. lt holds much Promise. it is not, howev-
er, foolproof. A simple appendectomy scar
could bring øne down. Or witness the unfor-
tunatc case of Michael Moran, of Brooklyn.
Moran, fully clothed, assaulted a cop, then
tied. Alas, he was stocky, thick-necked and
probably had a cowlick and stubble. The cop
put out an all-points on a guy who "looked
just like Fred Flintstone." Moran was picked
UP immediately. Would he have looked any
different in the l)Ufi The truth is, some peo-
pic should just stick to a )1)C l)ag with holes
cut in it. )
THE FAR
EAST
SIDE
by Bruce Irving
with Atsuko Hariguchi
AS EVERY SPY READER
knows, Tokyo is one of
New York's Sister Cities.
And cicirly Japans infhi-
ence has bren felt by her
AmcriGIn sibling: 155e)' and
Yohji drape the groovesters, sushi dens prolif-
crate in all their blackness and blond wood-
itess, and Bloomingdale's, olcourse, has been
a flack for kaykjaponais, as they surely call it.
Rut what has New York given Tokyo?
In a word: w:nes.
You don't notice them at first. Oh, they're
there, all right, hiding amid the visual chaos of
Thkyo, but it takes a determined (or home-
sick) eye to pick them out from among the
flashing neon nebulas, (lense electric picto-
graphs, characters that the eye passes over in
haste, bewildering building-high banners,
tiny signs depicting a construction worker
happily urinating, and, our favorites, the bi-
zarre admixtures of Englishsuch as "Spiri-
tuai creation power: ust you." The onslaught
of commercial messages makes rnos of New
York seem by comparison like some denuded
communist city.
Soon enough, though, phrases familiar to
the New Yorker I)rcak through the clutter.
There's the Big Apple l'ub and Lounge. The
Ra(lio City disco. The Gulp Gasper Coffee
Shoppe. And the Big-Apple Cafe Bar. You be-
gin to feel as ifyou're in a dream New York,
or maybe a (Iream Thkyo, where odd bits and
pes ofthe former pop through the Technicol-
or screen of the latter, recognizable hut queer.
Pull up to OflC of the city's numberless
sidewalk vending machines. Ignoring the one
offering condoms, you deposit your 100 yen
for a can of iced coffee. It's called Manhattan.
St. NYC Coffeethe St. stands for s:oy. The
can's printed message exhorts you to "taste the
happiness of New York. . . . Where the streets
speak to you, something good will probably
happen." Funny, when the streets of New
York spoke to you last, you lost your wallet
and your watch.
Across the street stands a larger-than-life
ilastic statue of a fat, jolly chef. The restau-
rant behind him is identified on its awning as
Ragel Spikcdog Olive. Actually, it's just plain
( )live now, but the place used to specialize in
Ragel Spikedogs, cylindrical bagels with hot
(logs shovcd up inside them. These arc no
longer available, the waiter inside says, due to
a lack of consumer interest. The Japanese, he
says, have a perception ola bagel as something
"too tough on the teeth to eat." Nonetheless,
the owner, Mrs. Hayashi, is determined to
serve UI) the chewy doughnuts in some form
and has chosen a soft and uniformly shaped
product made by an expatriate American
named Mr. Fox. One of the items on the
menu, perfectly reproduced in plastic in the
display case outside, is something that trans-
lates as "the New York Jewish Person." It
seems that Mrs. Hayashi saw on a television
program that a bagel with lox and cream
cheese is a popular health fxxl among Jews in
New York, and she decided to serve it. Her
version comes with a small piece of smoked
 SIIflOfl, triangle of ct-earn cheese, shrc(IcIecI
.1
OUlOUS, lettuce, SIICC(l IR)IIC(I (gg, Ifl1yOflflIiSC
.I1)(I t WC) si tces of bain . I'lìc
vaitcr docs not
koshcr .iiI ovcr.iIl secins i liuk
I)(ItC%'C It IS
shiky on dicary 1a's. 1'I risoti it is caIIc(I
tiic Nev York Jcvish Ikrson is tItt nì.iny
items ( iii t he t t K ti Li 3 rr I1i(( t a iR' r categories
of I)Pk : t I A menean ( i ri's RI .'l', tor cx-
ampie, or the i IcdIthy I_a(i)'. a yogurt-fruit-
an(I-vcgctal)Ie sa tidwich. These can be
vashc(I C h)VI) . t I turn u says, vit h "ginge-
raie'' or "cot-au-Iait," spellings tihit call Lii)
()i)(I memories of a cerialli I i ickory Pit you
USC(i ((I trcqticrit . Fkit iust OU begin to'in
I)ciicvc y(>Ll're (,(t1411/V U? /VCI(' Yoik, you arc
i0It((I by thC restati rants n)tto: \Vc arc here
to serve you i t)( I VIthOUt you ve i re lint it t ng."
1i)c f()ik' it Fort Jefferson know their ge
ogra})Iìy. \Vhcn tl r. ( )hno, tue presl(Iciit o a
large clothing CompanY. decided tu open a
store for votitcii i n t heir t'tnties, he wanted a
narrte tl'iat V()Lil(I SLlIfl tu) the image he etivi-
Siofle(I. IhIIS. Soil lr.iclitionai MiliLl' i)C-
can.ic Part of the stores logo. This. according
to the salesgirl, l)o1ls (Iovn to "elegance 'ith
cutciiess" A ii i pick t hat pa rt icuii r I ong
Island tO\Vfl Nir. ( )hno vent to l)rt Jellerson
011cc (ill J visit tu uts (laughter, a nd the place
capturr(I his lincy. I Stl)OSC they COLiI(l have
LUC(i LiS,' liC says, "br using their iianc 'ii h-
out pernission."
/t M.ldiM)n :\venue, a restaurant with a
vaguely ( )dcon look , he sign inside says WFi.-
(:o1F lo NIW YORK. Prince belts out " 1999'
over the speakers hilc tvo unha)py-look tog
teenagers sh:irc a Vs'al k i;i n a il look at the
tnet)Li:
New Yorker (litnhiirgcr arul onu)!))
Ricceker Street (pork Stroganoft)
\'.ili Strect (ginger pork)
S/ela/ /.undz: I .adics Macy's (pork cutlet)
Spaghetti:
13.()StOii Ri ver (licon a iu I tniish roøniS with
vliite sauce)
N1 u I ISO!) R i ( L )L1 r sP(CI.t I t
\Vt Side (club)
South Suie (tuila)
YOU sit (h)Vil ncxt to i voti ng tn;in vho has
a shopping hag t lit reads, i ' :i.. vviii i
sit:( :i i iNI1:.kiSi1 It:( ; FL'i .1. ( )I
FUAI. ENI.l( ;i ii1.N.\IENi IS '1OW IN Y( )tJR
i iNI )S. tkeriiig inside, you sec a nc' shirt
ail(i (()t)llC l'xx.k. I lcs I)CVCf l)CCti (C) New
J (ti\ . i( ii'IK,\. U.S.A.: !l( )I)i.RN FASI ii( )N i .iii
he says.
iIl(l IlU asks il New York is real-
ly .is (langcrous is everyone says, especially
I attic Italy. where many iicrto Ric.iiis live.
I Ic lis no PliI)5 to visit. icc;itisc, he s;iy.s, he
has ileitlier t lic bra i ris iu ir the t)lOflC
s.iry. Stil I. he (oti1i(lcs, h voiili I
liaI) lii (;(titril lirk. i\iul he ktìovs diat \';iii-
kee Stadiun is in the South Bronx, having
learned it in .t geogra)hy/sociology class.
Aii(l speak ing ot athletics, hov al)out that
Vertical (lub over there? Another dothiiìg
store for tcenagers. VL'l)y is il SO ilarned ? Well,
(10h connotes .i k t 11(1 of "ci rcle fecli hg.'' thu
!1)aihiger says, tllit appeals to high) school or
college students. Ai.l ve,t,ca/? Surely there is
i COflflCCtiOfl %Vit lì t lie chic aii ha px'ning
New York health cIiil) No the word was
Ch'U)SCti for íi rely internal reasons: lIte tiian -
igeinent I/at)tcd to instill iii tIte st:ifï;i sense of
connectc(li1es duLl iiitcr(Iepen(kncc. a tight
'ertical Sta(k ing of organizational functions.
Very Jap;inese. Rut. yo insist. tile Vertical
( ;ltib is laiflOUsCal) this really he a oinci-
(lcnce? ] he nl.lnagcr says IlL'S atrai(l so.
'l'hc Jul ks at I .iuiclight i i) ROj)pOi)gi hac a
(liffercot k i nU of fear. \Vhcii asked .IlX)iit t lu
SOUCC of their 'cry liiniliar logo. tile staff
claims igiu)rance. afl(l you sense this is a
t ion i llcyve i)Cefl asked i)cforc. No. you .i ri
i)t i i) I\nherican livycr. You tell them aluit
t lie I ifluligilt ii) Ncv York a t hey PtiIlC1.
'\f
11(1
l)Lit 'v( are noi a disco! \k'c arc i bar
Iou,zj'c r l lit'Ìve certainly got you there. iii(l
you retreat 'ithi a b()\v an(l a t irc(I sin ile.
( )ther scelningly vill -known night spots
leave you feeling cheated, teased. Area is iut
another chrome-and-mirror ilance hox cfe
ovners say it has iiotiiiig to svith its riatr
sake. ¡iid V'l)at 501111(15 like lulladiiii torils
Out ti) l)cycsParadltinl.
11ie Uptovn i)incr is a more sUi)tic, ai)-
Prxii11uLe itiiit;itioii of chic Ncv York COOl-
il)erci.ilisnl. A gleaming stainless-steel box
5(fi t hug low by tile roa(lSi(le, it 1)eCkofls you
with art (ICCO i)r()tilises ofgreasy eggs and 1)ot
O)i)IICSS cups of coffee. iI)terttlg, you nod to
tIle v.iiLress, an ( )ccidcntal iflJZOi) with Ilair
lx )l)l)C( I t n the (IOV/iitO%Vil laslinui, ;iiiI take i
seat in an authentic leatlieretic lìoiith. Your
vaiter P° Lii). I le is Israel i i le tells you t lut
. lllitCS is a fairly striking, let us say, conceit. As
your ( otley Island hiinLuirger (with a spi it hot
(log Oil top) vill ix PrlP1 red by Jean -'v1arie,
the Sorboit ne-e(lIlcatc(l ('/1cl de la ,naoz.
i") (heated again, scoffing home to yir tiny,
Ncy' York -size a>a ri nient , IlaLIflted by farnil
taritics tiiiife foreign. you sec Soho's Loft, a
convincingly high-ceilinged, exposed-brick.
})Otte(l-1)laiit lul.iCC thiiis ji15t i bit 10(1 (leal).
'I hey serve Sobo Natural Soda tor al)OUt $3.61)
>1 . .1 l)Ottle. ( )f' hie tV'() lligi) school gi ris sit t i rig at
INI1.I .t .F( iii) Jd1iceI)t table. tIte one eating a si.itil
knovs that Sol lo is a place in Ncv York ; the
other (whose shopping bag reads, KANSAS
i.( IR .\ I .1 . I'i.( )t't .i) has tiever Ilc;i rd of it,
t Iloiigli Sill k t)VS t Ilat ) bR is a warehouse by
tile sUi. I)ti) of thciii votiid like to go to New
York l)CC;ILise it is glanl()roLis 1)0! a little dan
IlccCS- gerotis. They've COiflC to Soho's Loti because
I ike to take a its glamorous l)tit sac.
l'hc COi)5Ci)SUS iS l)rettY itìticli ihe sii)l( at
Central Park, I ittic Italy and New York 2
(restaurants), at Big-Apple and the Village
()iCC (bars) Jii(l at Ra(I IC) (ity, tile I .cxington
Queen and New York, New York (discos).
For Tokyoitcs. a simulated piece ofNew York
is oniy aS fir as the next Maiihattaii-derivcd
sign, aiul tile walk there is heck ofa lot safer.
;t
As they say. New York is a nice I)liee ti) mini-
IC, l)iit %ve '.'Oiil(lfl't vant to li'c there.
CHEESED
OFF
by Michael Sorkin
ONE OF l'Ilh MORh
scilIt illat ing artificts lately
ChtiCkC(l lii) l)y the culture
'iiiii:í
was the Yule-slot Mcl)on-
aId 's caipaigiì offering
k ¡dii icsfree Christmas
stockings log()ed vtth I"ievcl, the JililIlateil
tilOtiSC fron) An 4,ne,,aii, '.Gitl, ti1c Steven
Spielberg of the I )on Blut h film
l)ase(l Oli a "Concept purporte(lly origlilatc(I
l)y 1)avid Kirschner. 1'hc feature-length car-
tiSon (I('pictS the ilfltluigrant saga of tue I )is-
noid ro(ient as it flees pogrom-wracked
Mother Russia for America's golden shores.
'l'ile cossacks, naturally, arc cats.
SOUIRI fLIiltIiar? i refer, ofcourse. to Maus,
Art Spicgclnìari's illlproIXil)Iy I)rilli.int ac-
count of his parents' experience of the i lolo-
caust. Eerily drawn in comic book style. mice
are Jews, pigs are l)leS atti1 cats arc Nazis.
Now, inotise Jews oppressed iy cat ailti-Se-
so it seemingly struck SptcgeInan. who Col)-
si(lcre(I suing Spielberg and Kirschner for
what the art world calls a)propriat ion.
Kirschncr, for Ills denies all knowledge
oÍ tue Spiegelman oeuvre, dCS1)ite Its notable
on the (counter-) cultural landscape
5111CC 1972. iiìdeed, so cager were Kurschncr's
spokcspeople 1(1 assert his ignorance, they old
Spiegelman that Kirschncr h.i(l never ever so
ititich as read .10 "un(lergroun(l' newspaper.
(Alaus was first 1)uhlishe(i in the underground
nagaziic Funny il,ninaI..) By way of corroho-
ratto!), it was explained that the pristitie
Kirschner hadn't even voted tititil 1 961, afl(I
theO fkr Nixon.
'I'here's an cngagtng notion: lricky f )ick
as i Ile gua ra n t or )f nura I i n nocence. 'I he
stratageni ilous IllLiiuiiilatC the difference be-
tveen tile t'.VO Inigratu)ns: ?i,íazs to Jail dil(l
.I;,I Lo stockiiig. l'he forner is clearly Nixo-
i) ia n iii st 'lca rip-off, take 'hat you 'ant.
MARCI I 957 SPY 5.
 It's disagreeable and prirnitivc the old way of
doing things. Tail to stocking is rnorc convinc-
ingly postmodern, the Reagan style. Here sci-
zure ceases to be necessary, since everything's
for sale and there's no business like show busi-
ness and everything's already the same any-
way. Is there another way to make sense oI a
little Jewish mous! on a Christmas stocking
available only with the purchase ola Big Mac
and fries Consider the richness of this mash.
Not togec too l)erridcan,but l'in reminded of
the poke in which the Jewish man throws his
drink at his Chinese barmate, explaining,
"That was for Pearl Harbor." The Chinese
man protests that it was the Japanese who
bombed Pearl Harbor, but the Jew answers,
'Japanese, Chinese, what's the difference?"
Moments later the Jewish man is doused by
thc Chinese, who cries, "That was for the Ti-
tanic!"
"But the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg,"
protests the Jew.
lceherg, Rosenberg, what's the difference?"
Reagan and Spielberg arc two ofthe might-
icSt engines in the elision factory of postmod
culture, sleight-of-brain artists for whom
comics are indistinguishable from life. As a
moral exercise, the integration of the Hob-
caust into this system of serial sameness, in
which Biafran babies and Morris the finicky
cat occupy a single space, is not really very tax-
ing. Maus, Fievel, what's the difference? But
allow me another example of the number of
angels currently able to tango on the Amen-
can pinhead: there's to be a Holocaust musc-
um built in downtown Manhattan. . As the
Holocaust is absorbed into the routine of
packaged memory, its' reality ebbs. Fievel
stockings are just a beginning. (Perhaps Anne
Frank Easter eggs will be next.) The museum
hits new heights of homogenization. Thus, it
is being financedjust bike MoMA's recent
expansionby the erection of an adjacent
condo tower. How else? The only question is,
what will they call it? La Treblinka? Belsen
Parc? What's the difference?
[
COOKING
by Moira Hodgson
WHEN THE DOORS
open to the demonstration
kitchen on Macy's eighth
floor, the crowd makes for
the chairs nearest the front
on the left Si(le. If you sit
54 SPY M.R(;I I 1957
their ingredients:'
This opinion was not shared by an elegant
gray-haired matron surrounded by shopping
bags. "So refreshing to see these young men
with such innovative ideas," she said, (lipping
her fork hungrily into a plate that contained
grilled beef with tomatilbos, garnished with
coriander and blue corn crepes. "Such a
change from a CIA pron."
J can-Louis Palladin, chef-owner of the
Jean-Louis restaurant at the Watergate in
Washington, presented anothur kind of the-
atcr. His was a simple little meal that anyone
might whip UI) when they got home from
work: lobster tart with zucchini and coral but-
ter, rabbit loin with rosemary and marrow
there, you get your plate filled first. flan, coconut ice cream with banana fritters
Around two dozen chefs, including several and maple syrup cream sauce.
two-star luminaries and some of the flashiest Palladin looks like a cop in a policier movie:
yOUflg Americans, have been teaching at tall and skinny, with huge round glasses, a
Macy's De Gustibus series. (The next season drooping mustache mn(l a thin, lined face
begins on March 9.) Their audience (about 60 framed by thick, curly hair. Members of the
men and women, mostly in their thirties and measuring-spoon se 10)01 of cooking looked
forties, who'vc paid $45 per class) knows its shocked as he threw sugar in with his hands,
food. They know that CIA stands for Culi- sprang a leak in the Cuisinart by filling it too
nary Institute ofAmerica and that Chateau St. full, peeled the skin olla coconut as though it
Jean rhymes with bean. They like pig's feet, were made of paper, flipped food in a frying
sorrel and samphire. And they wouldn't have pan without sen(ling it onto the floor and, fi-
a bouillon cube in the house. nally, caught his towel on fire.
The chefs perform on a dais beneath a re- But the applause was unreserved for the
fleeting mirror that hangs over the counter so lobster tart and the little quivering custards of
that you can see what they are doing (it's not marrow served with sad(bles of rabbit. This
tite place to hide a bald spot). On the counter, poor man is often obliged to cook in his res-
bowls of the day's ingredients are set out. In taurant for that well-known gastronome
the case of Jimmy Schmidt, the chefco-own- Naiwy Reagan, who has been known to eat
er of the Rattlesnake Club in Denver, the three entire leaves of lettuce at one sitting.
combination was puzzling to palates schooled Anne Roscnzweig, chefco-owner of Arca-
in the French or Italian tradition: chanterelles, dia and recently appointed adviser to the new,
coriander, goat cheese, tomatillo, onion, improved "2 I ," is only five feet tall, with huge
chayote, California chardonnay, poblano pep- brown eyes and a broad smile. She looked like
pers and something that looked like a pibe of a naughty child as she wielded a carving knife
blue clay. Puzzling, that is, in precisely the as big as her arm to bone a rack of lamb and
way that significant eighties cooking must be. quails (the latter were marinated in molasses,
Instead of a chers toque, Schmidt wore a sautéed and served with sweet potato gratin
baseball hat embossed with the name of his and arugula). The audience held its breath as
restaurant. A cheerful young man from lIli- she hypnotized her lobster by stroking it be-
IH5, where he stu(lied chemistry and engi- hind the eyes for five minutes before she killed
neening, he taught the class as if it were it (unlike the male chefs, who had flO hesita-
composed of science students. "A sauce tion about cutting theirs up alive and tossing
l)reaks," "is built on emulsions," "has struc- the flailing limbs into the pot). And when she
turc," "is stable." "Sugar and salt are hydro- told us, "For medium rare, push the fatty part
scopie Isicithey turn to liquid if there's of your hand between thumb and forefinger,
moisture." "The pockmarks on custard arc and that's what the meat should feel like," the
syneresis." There was a steady scratching of audience clasped their hands together and
pens between sips of Alizé, a new yellow li- sighed with rapture.
queur made with cognac and passion fruit
uice that was passed around when we sat down.
The De Gustibus students certainly got
their money's worth from Alain Sailhac, then
The menublue corn tortilla chips with chelat Le Cirque, who, along with lashings of
chanterelles and goat cheese, salmon with (;allic charm, served a sublime lobster ravioli
achiote paste and ginger puree, passion fruit with fresh white truffles (a dish that costs $35
ice cream with white-chocolate saucewas a as a main course in the restaurant), made sea
little much for some customers. "1 prefer the bass "carpaccio" and boned a rack of lamb.
French or Italian chefs," muttered a lawyer (Chefs must be frustrated surgeons; they en-
under his breath. "At least I can understand joy boning meat more than anything.) For
 AT
MADISON AVENUE
MUSCLE®
WE DON'T THINK
OF NEW YORK'S
HEALTH AS
A RACKET.

ONE-ON-ONE TRAJMNG
AT
MADISON AVENUE MUSCLE, INC.
THE GYM THAT PICKS UP WHERE OTHERS LEAVE OFF.

244 MADISON AVENUE, N.Y.C. (212) 687-8196

(I(s%crt, lic precIItc(I his famous crème hrûkc.
"\Vh:it do tI)S( )COpk onkr at
(IrqLIc SOIT)COflC I5kC(1.
"I3roilcd chicken," hc answered wiiI
shrug as liuk whitc plastic platcs offood wrre
passcd aroun(I and greetc(I with oohs and aahs.
11us was not a broikd-chickcn crowd.
You SAW
IT HERE
FIR
-y f-T j j
.. iii :
I FEW YEARS uGO WI
inclination and cws-
/U(/ 1/U'
gy Io scc wild! .ce,,,cd Ii4c ev-
movie made. e:'en I/WSe
starling ¡%'Iichae/ Keaton or
directed by Jo/rn Bad/u:rn. In
ihese postpromisuous days, howeve'; ut sOfl3C-
tin.csJigo Jane Fonda or Sieve Martha vehicles,
and even consider skipping a Martin Scorsese
film. R:i iw still read the reviciw. (They're
cheapc; and you don 't need to hire a baby -sitter.)
Trouble is, ¡t-e' only get Io read i/ten: after the
l,ns have opened, and so u are denied the plea -
514?C5 of one-upnaiship:Mc desire, as in nearly
all things contemporary, is to get the early hue
to find out what to think before everyone else
know what to think.
And so SPY hasfiuwhly developed a revolution -
auy new kind of criticism: movies ,-et'icwcd not
just before they a,e released, but bcfi,re they are
of movics still in produc-
fi nishedrcvicws
(ion. Hou' do u possibly manage it? Secret
sources? Scanning the trades? Incognito visits to
sowidctagcs and editing rooms? uVopc. Why do
ur do it? Ik'cause they're not there.
Is thcrc any limit R) the numbcr of tirncs we
c.III laugh at the zany ¡nitation rics oía teen-
age nerd? In Summer School director Carl
keiner follows In his son's footsteps with a
crossbreed of Rob Reiner's most recelit movie
(Stand By Me) and the one before that ('the
Sure Thing), with elements of'Real Genius and
Meatballs thrown in. In this summer release
the excruciating teen misfit (Richard Horvitz)
improbably win(ls up in summer school, but
his mortification is relieved by a handsome
freelance mentor and gym coach (Mark Har-
mon), a chummy male stripper (Ken Olaiidt)
and girls (Courtney Thorne-Smith as a suri
cretin)girlc (Shawnee Smith as an ethnic situ)
girls (Fabiana Udenio as the îòreign-cxcliangc
st, spy MARCH 1987
IxtnIshcIi). l(lru1uLuic? !Vaahhh.
I .c Campus Man, the B version of this genre,
also from Paramount, is due out this spring.
a Here the nerd is an entrepreneur (John Dye)
who puts together a pinup calendar oî the
get thiscollege hunks ! Hcrc the male stripper
J is a champion diver and maie model (Miles
O'Kecffc). i Icre Morgan Fairchild ¡1ays the
Mark Harmon role. Here we have not CVCI)
the pleasures of smutted-up sitcom clarity.
lhc rumors must be true: Paramount pro-
duction chicfi)awn Steel is a ucenmaniac. Hot
Pursuit, yet another wacky summer adoles-
cent .slwnanigans movie ircnn the studio, is an
hour-an(l-a-half-long Love Boat segment with
kids (John JSure Thingl Cusack). Afeaturefllm
starring Shelley Fabares, Jerry Stiller and
Monte Markham? Monte Markham? lint Pur-
suit is disingenuous and hormonally high-
spirited in precisely the style of the ¡-
Vietnam 196()s. And you thought Beach Blanket
Bingo couldn't be remade without irony.
in fact, unwitting sixties revivalism is ram-
1)atut this season. Where (IOCS xxr John I ,ith-
go' find these scripts? l)id he know this one
would he called Harry & the Hendersons?
1)id the roiuccrs think that Lithgow's too-
normal WASPiness %'OUI(l s(nnchow be miti-
gateci by casting feisty, vaguely rc.J)tlgnaflt
Mcditerraneans (Lainie Kazan ¡md Don
Ameche) as his costars? 'Why wasiu't i)ean
J ones in this April release? Why weren't there
more tlubbcry boinging sounds?
This summer's The Untouchables redeems
auud revives several filin careers in one spien-
diciSWOOl). 'l'his is Hrian i )e Palma's best
movie since Dressed to Kill and Robert 1k
Niro's best since Raging Bull. lt is Charles
Martin Smith's and screenwriter I)avid Ma-
met's best movie ever. Kevin Costner as Eliot
Ness is every l)it as charming as he was in Sil-
¿'erado; he's a sweet, stipple hybrid of Uary
Cooper and Chevy Chase. (Costncr is what
I larrison Ford has turned out not to be.) The
cinematography has a convincing Ixtti1a of
acrid thirties grime. and the sets are perfectly
(not Ilollywood) Chicagoanhard-ass classi-
cal.Wiih 1)eNiroas AI Capone,sleek an(l psy-
cho, muttering Mamety gangstcrisms, one's
lOIR] hopes for a Godfather III seem moot.
Ishtar, on the other hand, s simply very
curious, the The Fortune of this (leca(kan
overblown road -picture remake of Spies Like
Us (which was itself a remake of S*P*Y*S).
Yes, really, one more timefun-loving
American guys turned inadvertent secret
agents in the MiddLe East. This tune the Bob
Hope/Elliott Guit1/Ciuevy Chase role is
playc(l by l)ustin lioffunan, who is 1)t1recl
with Warren l3eatty as the Bing Crosby!
1)onald Sutherland/I )an Ayk royd character.
Elaine May directed this three-way midlife
crisis of a movie.
lt's refreshing to sec that (;knn Ciosc and
Jane Fonda have agreed to take turns starring
i n the semiannual Iove-afiair-turns-to-tnur-
der movie. First it was Closets turn, with Jag-
ged Edge; then it was Fonda's turn, with The
Morning After; this summer it's Close once
again. with Michael 1)ouglas in Fatal Attrac-
tion. (Apparently I)ouglas and Jeff Bridges
have worked out a similar deal: Bridges does
two, l)ouglas (IOCS two, and so on.) Close and
I)ouglas arc hard to watch in almost every
movie they make. of'coursc, and it's synergis-
tically worse herehe patronizing and preen-
ing, she wallowing in actressiness. Only Fred
Cwynne, as a menacing mastermind, is en-
tirely delightful.
SHOOTING THE
RAPIDS
by Amy Enge/er
UP AND DOWN MAN-
'
ltdttLfl, in shabby hack
apartments or bright pro-
, II
iIi
i
'
iii fessional spaces, are
scrubbed, u1si-me(11c;ul (.5-
tahlishments offering a
goo(l interior cleaning. Just like doctors' and
dentists' olliccs, these places are clecoratcd
with references to the Ixxlily organ of concern:
hold cha ris of t he intestinal tract, photographs
of' icople on the toilet, cutout circles arranged
tO form a colon. l:or $35 to $ I (M), one can climi)
aboard the padded table to bare the backside
for what this pocket of medical philosophy
calls a colonie irrigationperhaps better dc-
scribeci as an enema cm a grand scale.
The ads arc in Nett' York magazine and
freebie publications in health stores. Call a co-
Ionic therapist and an answering machine will
most likely deliver a breathy message with all
the assurance of a tarot card reader. In the
hackgroun(I, Chinese chimes play. If you're
lucky, the sign-off will he evangelical: "I look
forward to swaking with you. and in the
meantime I wish you God's grace."
People ltave done stranger things to their
Ixxlics than voluntarily flushing 15 to 20
quarts ofwarm water (9O0980 F) through the
entire live to eight feci of' the large intestine.
which at un;uxiunum capacity holds a single
gallon. trectal speculum carries the fluidi in
at(i oUt through I'k-xiglas tubes. And it's not
lrvcrsion that motivates this fad, but an hon-
est belici tisai a regular colonit irrigation will
rid the body of "toxins"drug residue, red-
meat impurities, ircservativesanci contrib-
Ute to what insi(krs call "high-level weilness."
Colonics arc popular among waiters, (lieters,
followers of naturopathic medicinc and, ac-
cording to one practitioner, "performance art- WALLENGREN I USA
ists, people who consider their bodies their
instruments." Medical hacking for the procc-
dure is virtually nil. "In gcneral, physicians
ignore iL," says gastrocntcrologist Dr. John
Benson. "They dOn't think it's uscitil, and
they don't prescribe it."
Most people arc squeamish talking about
"going to the reading room." Not cotonic dc-
votees. They can talk bowel movements any-
time, even over a meal, and they do, for nothing
gratifies them more than recruitment.
"1 think people who arc colonic therapists
are saints," says Donna Givers, who became so
enamored that she bought a water machine
for $300 to usc on hersclfand her husband at
home. "There's nothing like a good coton-
lt's Like going to the dentist to have the
IC. . . .

plaque cleanedI think a colonic (loes some-

thing like that to your colon."
If the medical community has dismisse(l
the trend as hopeful voodoo, the Manhattan
District Attorney's office hasn't. Last March
60-year-old Frank Van L)cusen, a tetephone
worker who lived on St. Marks Place, died at A Gallery of American Decorative Art
Colonique, at 104 East 40th Street, from acute
peritonitis. The tubes altegedly jammed, caus- in SoHo
ing the water pressure to build until his intcs- 72 Thompson Street New York, N.Y. Iffl)12 (212)-966-22M
tinal membrane burst. Last December a grand
jury indicted the colonic therapist involved,
known in the trade as Sophia, for second-de-
grec manslaughter, criminally negligent
homicide and two counts of unauthorized
practice ofmedicine. lfconvicted, she faces up I p Mrktizi
to 15 years' imprisonment.
Since colonies are outside the aegis of medi-
cat authority, there is no license required, no
mandatory training. Anyone can set up shop.
"It's always such a gray area," laments a de-
voted client. "lt's not legal, it's not illegal:'
Not surprisingly, the approximately ten thera-
pists in the city are angry at Sophia: Van Deu-
sen's death-by-bursting may well shut the
local industry down altogether.
Sophia, whose real name appears on court
papers as Xenia Marie Green, is a small,
dwnpy black woman in her mid-forties who
came to New York from, of all places, Cokn,
Panama. "I was meant to do this:' she says.
"I've lived on Water Street for ten years. I've
had l)owel trouble all my life." Sophia. who
gives herself a daily colonie, services lawyers,
stockbrokers and executives, she says, who CARNEGIE HIWS . CHRISTIAN DIO!?, CAL VIN KLEIN,
come by referral. (No mention of her ads in Legwear Shop HANE BURIINGTONpIus many other
for Men, Women & Children designer name brands
Nc:' York.) I-Icr $lO() fee (which she raised
from $75 after the indictment) is the highest in /427 Lexington Avenue . Delive,y with minimum purchase
the trade. The money is not, she says, the rca- (bet. 93rd & 94th Sis.)
. Custom gsftpackage&
son she's in business; rather, it's because "I
831-3500 M-F: 12-8, Sat.: 11-Z Sun.: 11-6
don't like the experience of being a I

like to he in control. So I let my clients con-

stantly manage and manipulate the whole sys-

MARCI-I 19$7 SPY 57

 tern themselves. I learned by working on
myself. going to school, looking at my clients."
When pressed for the school's name, she flus-
tcrs. "In Gary, Indiana, an old man taught mc
the value and gift to be cleaned inside. ...
Cleanliness is next to godliness."
For seven years, S1)l1ia has atlrninistcrcd
colonics, and she has even continued after the
manslaughter charge. Though she refuses to
answer questions about the client who cx-
ploded on her table, she pushes on with her
uneducated barrage: "When I started I didn't
even know about what a colon was..."
As the trial approaches, Sophia's attorney,
Charles Berkman, and Assistant D.A. Kris-
tine Hamann arc increasingly absorbed by the
case's potential to set a legal precedent. Berk-
man plans to defend Sophia mainly with the
argument that the procedure, when })r(-
scribcd medically, is ordinarily done not by
doctors but by hospital personnel. Essential-
ly, they claim she's been practicing medicine,"
Bcrkman says. "We disagree." ibout the
more serious felony charges: "They must
l)r0%C gross negligence. There's no kind of
gross negligence involved. She was just doing
what she was supposed to be doing."
Other therapists disagree, calling Sophia
"irresponsible," "esoteric," "a blight on the
profession." And Sophia herself, like the pros-
titutes who don't understand they have All)S
becausc they don't ice1 sick. seems untouched
by the rcding legal circus going on around
her. Her business, Colonique, remains open
and ready to clean you. )
CROSS
YOUR
FINGERS
by Ellis Weiner
Ir y,.(l DATELINE NEW YORK:
II
Big hunks of new architcc-
, turc continue u) metastasize
I
:
i
i: unchecked in and around
I '
the greater metropolitan
area ("greater"? The great-
est!), yet the briefest ride on any oí their
hushed, gleaming, digital-readout, I-wish-
my-apartrnent-were-this-nicc elevators might
bring to some the dispiriting realization that
America is still, like, tuwily irnma-cherr. For
regardless ofdesign, budget, tenants, decor or
prestige address, practically all ofthese build
ings pretend not to have a thirteenth floor.
58SPY MARCH 1987
What, one wonders, gives? Are we not
men? Are we not women? Are we not free
moderns, titteringly contemptuous ofthe irra-
tional, prescientific ignorance of ages
when whole communities feared the night,
worshiped moss and believed that hail was salt
bouncing off (;(l COrfl on the cob? Do we
not live in a Scientifically Happening Post-
mod Moment of the Immediate Present,
where Today is Nower than Now?
Where, then, are the tenantscorporate.
commercial or residentialwho actually re-
fuse to buy or lease space on a floor situated
between the twelfth and fourteenth that has
the courage to speak its name? Where arc the
lily-livered, yellow-bellied, sissy-boy (and
-girl) real estate developers who cannot bring
themselves to use the number in question?
Grown-upsacross the nation demand that the
cowards step forward and suffer the public ridi-
cule and general censure they so richly deserve.
Ofcourse, I'd love to be there to chip in my
share of ridicule and censure, but unfortu-
nately t have to be in my office, where I've
been trying to toss the same balled-up trash
into the same wastebasket for three months.
The rule is, if I miss, I must get up, go over,
pick itUI), return tO the point of origin and
shoot again. This prce(lUre continues until I
make the shot or give Up. And I mwz nolgiuc up.
Why do I do it? Oh . . . "For my character."
"Out of habit." "It's a little game I play." All
nice, plausible-sounding reasons, and every
one a contemptible lic. The real reason is: if I
don't do itif I simply pick up the trash and
drop it inI'll get in some kind of trouble
with a nameless, all-pervading It-force out
there that will he mad at me for being lazy. It
will, somehow, for some implacable reason,
punish mesal) my vigor, crick my neck, stop
my heart, shet ma mouth. So I shoot, and re-
trieve, and shoot again.
It's not a practice ofwhich I'm proud. How
am I to demonstrate to the nation's, or my
apartments, youth the attitu(les and behavior
appropriate to a grown-up if I'm busy tossing
and stooping for the same crumpled-up ball of
paper day in and (lay out like some giant wind-
up toy? But no matter how free ofdelusion I
ftncy myself, and no matter how self-sufficient
I think it important to he, there is still that It
that must bcappeascd. And nothing will satis-
fy It, except my sinking the hook shot.
It wasn't always like this. As a proud teen-
age American, I defiantly didn't believe in
God, thought science could figure out any-
thing. True, L)ack then, I used to uw,t to be-
lieve in omenseven had ones, since their
validity seemed (0 imply the validity of the
good ones. But almost every time I (leaded
something boded ill or well, things turned out
well or ill. The stuff (li(lfl't correlate. I
couldn't make the case for supernatural inter-
cession. Life ust drearily was what it was.
Praying, to an assimilo-Jewish young with-
it like me, was absurd and out ofthe question.
Even today, when team coverage of the latest
horrific disaster includes footage of an obvi-
ously suffering man or woman saying, "Then
the guns started shooting, and all we could do
was pray," I can't not think of an exchange
from the movie Ruling Class: "What
makes you think you're God?" asks a normal
character. Because every time I pray," replies
the insane hero, "I find I'm talking to myself."
Now I aspire to grown-uppitude. I sub-
scribe to the God-is.on-sabbatical theory of
(liVifle absenteeism (He exists, isn't at his desk,
isn't expected back) and wouldn't trust science
as far as I could throw it. Still, all is not un-
a(lulterated a(lukhood. On the other hand, I
believe, with a great many fibers ofmy being,
that it is wrong, weak, self-indulgent, igno-
rant and uncool to go around looking for little
signs and signals from the universe that say:
Hey. l)on't worry. The true grovn-up is
above or beyond all that, and I join hun or hcr
in disdaining all fourteenth floors and thu dc-
vators that so shamefully stop at them.
On the other hand, I, and anyonc with a
harmless little ritual or superstitious fear, need
reassurance. Science, the son of a bitch, has
demonstrated that we reside in a throbbing,
expanding, four-dimensional universe of
space-time whose incessant background mi-
crowave radiation hums with the unambig-
uoUs message "Hey. Wony."
And we do. About you name itrapacious
corporations, suicidal terrorists, communist
repression, Third World unrest, George
Bush, George Shultz, George Brett, George
Gobel. From upmarkets to I)owns syndrome.
From the Me Decade of the past to the Mc Me
Me Puck You Decade of today. We need hei1),
we need reassurance, we need to know that
there's a wastebasketball-loving I t-force out
there that asks only that we throw our trash
like Larry Bird or not at all, in return for
which lt will allow us to retain a belief in It
sufficient to suggest that this is not all there is.
Because if this is all there is. then, you
mean, this is it? )
ANSWERS TO ROY BLOUNT JR.'S CONTRAGATE SPECIAL CROSSWORD

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PLOT
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 'one cloim to despise the
res provide the kind of voy-
urant mania in New York
's well dressed and ovcrso-
at celebrities really dislike
Jockie O. have sued Ron
ven more press attention?
r. Shown on the cover of
mt of seeking out the cam-
k James (left) being aimed
tcrnoturally energetic PR
'oo, inevitably leaps in the
Iv now that she is reduced

'-

ri

Other, lesser celebrities do

The skilled poporazzo can
also catch people off guard
and record rare, beautiful
moments of intimacy, such
as rodio personality Barry
humiliating things in public
to make sure they get their
pictures token. Slashed but
plucky modcl Marlo Han-
son 1oined hock artist Peter
Max (above) recently to
promote the dreadful new
Maxwotch. In honor of the

at the cattle cor nightclub,

the Tunnel . . or Olcg Cas-
Farber unburdcning him-
self to a mannequin (left)
dooj merchandise, Max wrote
something that looks dan-
gcrously like a poem:
"Kccping 'timepieces on

.:":
their wrists They call these
smi examining Miami Vice
starlet Olivia Brown for things 'watches' But can
anyone sec the time come
VPL (right) of The Best
and go And . . . do they
magazine's party at the
1
:: wear watches on UFO's?"
Pierre.

spy \1\1( I$7

 Helen Hayes was
mystified and
vaguely disgusted
when the ubiquitous
F. Murray Abraham
knelt and kissed her
hand (left).

Lt.. DECLINE OF THE WEST Above: our pho-

tographer caught this happy crowd of
successful professionals relaxing:
THE MONEY SUPPLY At a din- (clockwise) deejay-for-life Anita
ner honoring Federal Re- Sarko, bold Dean Johnson, fat-party.
serve chairman Paul thrower-for-life Vito Bruno, crass-eyed
Voicker at the Waldorf, hanger-an Johnny Dynell, and Hooui
Volcker, Thomo Murphy Montaug, dean of the rude doormen.
(Cop Cities ABC chairman) Two art boys dem.
and Leo Hausman (United onstrotinq the ree-
Cerebral Palsy of New York ommcndcd safe-sex
president) demonstrate the method of kissing
Volcker Curve (above). (above).

Right-wing bon vivant Told

spent a few minutes di'S-
creetly conferring with
fashion husband Reinaldo
Herrera (right), thereby
gathering information for
his next 15 columns.

LIFS Another disquieting moment (right):

backstage, just minutes before he was
crowned Mr. Male America, Mr. Georgia
(with fan) helped his buddy Mr. Michigan
-
keep cool before the grueling swimsuit corn-
petition. (No fluffheods these: in real life Mr.
Georgia is a full professor of English at Yale
ond Mr. Michigan is deputy secretary of
Housing and Urban Development.)

do
,ic

but
on-
ter
to
DAMN LIES After Leonard Bern-
stein went on The Love Con-
!7
the

ote
Ion-
.R ':. nection recently, he broke ai1
the rules and went Out with oli
em: ; BEFORE AND AFTER Look how unhappy three bacheiorcttcs- ot once.
; Cornelio Guest (above) was at her
on Here they are at a party for sec-
23rd.birthday party (at Stringfellows, ondhand-Nobel winner Ehe
se
con
naturally) surrounded by former Na- Wiesel: Lenny reciting Byron
sine
tional Enquirer gossip columnist R. with Kitty Carlisle Hart (top),
Couri Hoy and permanently ton cable then entertaining Betty Corn-
they
TV queen Nikki Haskell. But look how den with his nutty Blues Broth-
happy the World's Oldest Deb (right) er', routine (middle), then
become when the bluc.chip oddities slapping a soul kiss on boche-
- showed up (left to right): Francesco lorette number three, Louise
Savullo, Fabrice, Potty Hearst. Neveison (bottom).

,, \ Ii L'S SPY-
ACROSS
1. F\' drew a gvflvrLIU)I)
of Americaii youths iflt()
this bestial circk. starting
with (IangcroLls drink
(5.4).
8. Scrcwisig tern. !
Create prcsi(Itnts 1(1(1
history (6.7).
11. Icrrorists licad
Ik)St()Il uutkrground
scheine (4).
12. ¡n %vere toki
vtì.it arms ¿sr for (5).
i 3. Rrokvn Ckifl-Ikfl't
41V( )IIit North DUC (4).
( al)oiIt (5).
spy M.\R(I t
16. J(ais Off aítcr trick:
Latin JcUcrsons? (7).
17. Slickcst ot thc 9. or
thc 6rst in Brooklyn (7).
18. Rotilike ciwugh io
makC licarl of a
tfl;lca(IJII)ia 1)kCII (7).
ut 20. Bad Mr.. vurd uL1tt.
rsaiZ Italian ic crv.iiu
(7).
21. Boat of %1)II)( 01/1(1
-Hauls who W(I1( fur
fkccv (4).
22. Not much in what
agcnts, or actors. can talk
23. Nancys boys fullow
l)(N)" (4).
26. Marinc paIrit goys
toø íar-indudvs
( anadians (5j4).
27. Jolly (;rccn (;i:snt.
I Lonard Nimoy. Sfl(I I
(It)fl1 CVCfl trust
Md arthy (.310.
DOWN
2. Sounds like )I1IcIlIi1Ig
to sniff at, tiiayh. in wcc
C011uflUflist '') (4).
3. Sinatra McFarlanc (7).
4. Beguiling isle turns
yuppie margarita blue (7).
5. Nlciiis to, or not t() (4).
6. Funds of Ib itceti
current tally (odd foreign
itote nussing) (10,3).
7. Whatever the 1)rcsi(Ient
knows. we know ii is titis
(answer to 5) (1 3).
9. Intriguing sheiks coiw
(leviotisly with Civil
Aeronatitics l3oar( I,
1)';inat, (4.5).
lo. Siijwrlativc prcsL(Icnt.
t4)) IV stews team share
link i)ctWCCfl French
beast, holy man (9).
14. Bc around bone, to
win frientis abroad (5).
15. Float mismanagc(1
high up (5).
19. North itlaces chaos in
embrace (7).
20. ()lIic-N.-gatc. no lic:
lfliXC(l fruit (7).
24. Kr.iiits toot looped
(4).
25. Jouit Stuart grinds
exceetling tinc (4).
TIw dfl,1CS3 10 1/IC lJfl-lIrUUh
(:o?.:lagu:e S1ircwl Crnøftq,rd
appca oli i'ajs 59.
 S'

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SCIENCE SCIENCE F
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TOYS, ETWEEN 1.43B6 seos.
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GAMES 221 E.
NEW 11AM ÜEET
&
MASKS' MON' AT AT
i2T' ST'4731576N 12_5pM
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COMICS.
MODELS MON_SA
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 I'7 M\KCII 64SPY
stroll. crosstown ofa pleasures quiet the prevent longer revelries annual that now above,
up u,thindered serenely walk can Yorkers New aihile, the 'lll excitement. the in behind left teenageis Island
Long ai' and refuse away sluice to I No. Tw,nel Wate, divert briçfly toorkers sanitatio?i good-natured
tnerynaing. the ilficr celebration. and ofsound gust growing a ezcouragc Street) and tz4nnel betwecz ing
soundproof- three-foot-thick the (and acoustics the away; blocks ten shillelagh (ja tap-tas) t/wfamiliar or
bagpipe ofa rccgh sk the hear can you people, mi//io,, a acco,nrnodates comfortably gt'hic/a narz'c'/, spacious
this In Avenue. Fifth under debuts TuineI Parade Munidpal sturdy the York, iVc:' Inqnovcd ¿Vc:« OUF ill
"Y vu urbi
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 Lincoin Center,
the home of
the classics,
now has one you
can call home.
The Alfred.
Aida, La Bohcme,
Beethoven, Mozart, Pavarotti,
Scotto, Baryshnikov:
for 25 years, the world's
:ognoscenti have congregated
at Lincoln Center to be
thrilled by the world's greatest
artists interpreting the world's grandest music. homes. And, for good measure, make dazzling
With the introduction ofThe Alfred, a new river and park views part of your decor.
free-standing 38-story condominium, those who Best of all, pre-completion prices are now in
live for music can now practically live where it's effect. Currently, you can buy a one-bedroom
made: across the Street from Lincoln Center itself. from $229,000, a duplex from $318,000, a two-
From its mansard roof to its wood-and-leather bedroom from $331,000 and a three-bedroom
lobby, The Alfred elevates living to an art form. from $452,000: Special financing is available, too.
It provides kQth 24-hour doorman and concierge Call our sales office at (212) 956-3999 to schedule
service. Its in-house recreational facilities include an appointment to see our furnished model.
a 75 ft. long pool and a racquetball court. Its The Alfred, 161 W. 61 Street across from
window-walled residences are as spacious as L incoin Center. rrc subjca io ¿hang without

Dec1oped by the owners and managc of the ja,nous Dcaal Hotels. Sponsor CMC Cx»'npan 11. The cmptae of/eying tenns ave in an offevig plan at.ziIabte from Sponsor.
ABSOLUT WARHOL. FOR GIFT DELIVERY ANYWHERE CALL 1-800-CHEER-UP (EXCEPT WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW)
80 AND 100 PROOF/100% GRAIN NEUTRAL SPIRITS (ABSOLUT COUNTRY OF SWEDEN) 1985 CARILLON IMPORTERS LTD., TEANECK, NJ