First Love
Suffocating or comforting, frustrating or uplifting – whatever form it takes, your relationship with
your mom is always complex. Eight years after her death, Emma Beddington remembers her own.
W
thing that comes to mind
What’s the first
when you think of your mother? Whatever it
is, I bet it comes with an emotional kick:
warmth, exasperation, guilt, longing. I don’t
know anyone who feels lukewarm about theirs.
I asked some of my friends and, while their
answers varied, they were all immediate and
heartfelt. A lot of them harked back to child-
hood or related to particular physical sensations:
foods (homemade carrot cake, the Sunday
roast), scents and sounds (Dior’s Rive Gauche
or an armful of jangling bracelets). A smaller
set talked in more abstract terms: safety, ac-
ceptance, regret. There’s a reason for the
cliché that therapists always ask about your
relationship with your mom: good, bad, ab-
sent; whatever it may be, it defines you.
For me, the first thing that comes to mind
is the feeling of the soft skin of my mom’s
cheeks when I kissed her, the smell of Chanel
19. I can picture her walking across the park
towards me, tiny in a big black coat, when she
came to visit after my son was born,  as she
often did. My mother died eight years ago, but
I still know exactly where she came up to on
my shoulder when
we hugged, how it
felt to have her
arms around my
waist. It is still
so familiar, even
after all this time.
I miss my mom in
all sorts of ways,
but on the most
basic level, I miss
her physically,
Emma on an miss the absolute
outing with her
mother at age 4.
comfort of her.
There’s no safer
106 o p r a h m a g . c o . z a
worrying or is disappointed by your thought-
lessness. You didn’t call when you said you
would? Suddenly you’re a shifty teenager
again, stammering excuses.
I don’t have that now and, sure, it’s a relief
at times. When my relationship broke down
last year, I didn’t want to be sensible. I wanted
adventures. So I dated unsuitable men, stayed
out all night, drank too much. My mom would
have hated it. For a while, it was exciting not
feeling than your mother’s arms around you. to look after myself, to enjoy the thrill of
My eldest is 9, big and independent, but not having no human safety net to stop me. More
a day goes past without his arm snaking around often though, I felt, and still feel, lost. The
my waist, angling for a cuddle. I’m 36, and I’d thought that I can do anything I want without The writer relied on her
mother’s support when
still want a hug from my mom if I could. my mom’s scrutiny is more lonely than lib-
she also became one.
It’s a big thing, mother love. I think most erating. For years, I would pick up the phone
of us only realise how powerful it is when we when I was sad or
have children ourselves. The intensity of feel- sick, and then real-
ing I had for my boys took me by surprise at ise that there was
first: the burn of anger when someone hurt no one to call, no Because no one knows you like
them, the speed at which I found myself run-
ning to pick them up when they had a fall. As
one who could fill
that very particular your mother, she is well placed
they get older, you discover there are limits to
how much you can do for your children, pain
hole. I miss her es-
pecially now I’m
to hold you to account.
you can’t protect them from. Mothers every- a single parent –
where struggle with that. Children get sick, she raised me on her own and I wish I could and relief. A mother forces you to be the best What It
fall out with friends, get their hearts broken talk to her about it, ask her how she coped, get person you can. Feels Like …
– and there’s nothing, or nearly nothing, you the reassurance I desperately crave. I’m not denying the mother-daughter rela- to put a child
can do about it. The fact is, no one knows you like your tionship can be fraught: You can’t be that up for adoption
I put my own mother through plenty: I was mother, and that’s not always a good thing. close to someone and not be driven crazy by Cindy Lubbe, 45-year-old
desperately unhappy in my twenties – de- I was talking to my ex recently and we agreed her occasionally. But in moments of frustra- mother of two, Wellington
pressed, struggling with an eating disorder and that one of the things that had gone wrong in tion, it’s worth remembering that most of us
courtesy: emma beddington. istockphoto. “What it feels like ...” as told to naomi estment.
in a difficult relationship. Even through the our relationship was that I never told him how are lucky enough to have a mother who loves “I was 17 when I discovered
self-absorption that comes with unhappiness, I was feeling. I simply expected him to know, us, and has our best interests at heart. Not I was pregnant. Although
I could sometimes see the anxiety etched on instinctively, without even asking. “Yes,” he everyone is so fortunate. I have one friend shocked, our families were
my mother’s face. She did what little she could said, “but that was because of your mom. She whose mother overtly favoured her sister over supportive. I decided to put
– sent me flowers and books, wrote me letters, always knew what you were thinking, she her. Though her mother ignored my friend’s my baby up for adoption
bought me bath oils, made me paint my nails. could read you like a book.” 10th birthday completely, she lavished gifts – I had nothing to offer. My
Years later, when I was floored with post- I had never considered it, but he was right, and a surprise party on her sister. Another heart broke when my girl
natal depression after my eldest son was born, of course. Until I was 10, it was just the two of friend spent her childhood both frightened of was born. She stopped
she was there for me again. She reassured me us, and we were so close she could read every and embarrassed by her erratic, angry, alco- crying as I took her from the
again and again that I could do it, that I was nuance in my mood. It gave me unrealistic ex- holic mother. Both friends have grown up to nurse, who said, ‘See, she
a good mother. When my younger son was pectations, I think; I assume that people will be extraordinarily loving, brave, wonderful knows who her mother is.’
born, shortly after she died, one of my great just understand me. It’s a hard lesson to unlearn. women and mothers, determined to give their I waited until she was 20,
sadnesses was that she never got to see how Because your mother knows you so inti- own children everything they didn’t have. But when her adoptive mother
easy, how pleasurable I found motherhood mately, she’s well placed to hold you to it’s a loss, an absence they deal with every day. felt she was emotionally
that second time. account. We’ve all been on the sharp end of So if you’re lucky enough to have a good ready, to reconnect with
Of course, sometimes your mother’s con- maternal disappointment. Criticism or disap- one – and most of us do – next time she phones her. She holds no grudges
cern can feel like a burden. When you’re proval from your mother cuts deeply. “Because you, don’t roll your eyes and let it go to voice- and I have closure knowing
a teenager, she puts the brakes on the freedom it’s true,” said one friend. “She knows you.” mail. Pick up. No one knows you better, or that she’s had a good life.
you crave; she wants to know where you’re It’s hard to be selfish or inconsiderate when loves you more. Every child deserves the
going, who you’ll be with and how you’re get- your mom’s watching. When I do things now best that life has to offer.
ting home. As an adult, too, you can long to that I know she wouldn’t like – forget to call Emma Beddington is a freelance writer based in If you can’t provide that,
be free of the weight of knowing that she’s my aunties – I feel an odd mixture of guilt Brussels, Belgium. She blogs at belgianwaffling.com someone else can.”