A Men’s Guide

to
the Signs of
a Bad Dating
Choice
From the author of…

'How to Avoid Dating Damaged

Women'

(Also the author of ‘How to Spot a Dangerous

Man Before You Get Involved’ AND
‘Counseling Victims of Violence’)

Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

Bad female dating choices, in their highest and most
ultimate form are ‘damaged and dangerous women.’ A
dangerous woman is any woman who harms a man’s:

• Emotional
• Physical
• Sexual
• Financial or
• Spiritual self

Often, a man’s definition of damaged and dangerous is too

narrow or only incorporates ‘physical violence.’ This leaves
him prone to not seeing the wider picture of
dangerousness.

Men who have a history of selecting dangerous

and damaged women as partners are often men who do not
know the universal signs of a bad dating choice. This e-
book is in an effort to expound on the concept that
~ Can not acknowledge and
you...
change what you do not label and
describe. ~
This booklet will help you label and describe dangerous
dating choices and behaviors that are associated with
damaged women.
2
The information in this booklet is one way (along with our
other damaged woman product consisting of the main
book) of acknowledging, labeling, and describing what
signs of bad dating choices look like. These signs
represent boundary issues that can serve as information as
to the suitability of your dating choices.

Boundaries

Boundaries are indicators of where we start and end and

where other people start and end. Boundaries are limits we
set in relationships that allow us to protect our bodily
selves and our dignity. They are an awareness of what we
stand for and are statements about our limits and what we
will tolerate.

A healthy relationship has two people with clearly defined

senses of their own identity. They are not trapped in fear of
the other person being different than they are or see
differences as threatening.

Healthy boundaries allow us to separate our own thoughts,

feelings, and needs from those around us while the lack of
the ability to separate these components is called
“enmeshment.” This is when one person begins to take on
the thoughts, feelings, and needs of someone else and
these thoughts, feelings, and needs do not reflect their own
best interest.

One person begins to draw their identity from the other

person. It only seems obvious that drawing an identity
from a damaged woman can have overt disastrous
outcomes. Giving yourself up for a relationship is a huge
sign of unhealthy boundaries in you.
3
To top it off, men without boundaries or with merely weak
ones, often attract all categories of damaged women (see
the original How to Avoid Dating Damaged Women book
www.DateBetterWomenNow.com).

For instance, predators are bloodhounds for weak-

boundaried men and it is the hallmark of their snout to find
you. Needy and Daddy’s Girls know you don’t have the
internal fortitude to kick them to the curb as they whine
and cling. The Addicted are gambling on your
codependency as a way of keeping their foot in your door.
The Mentally Ill already recognized that you will confuse
sympathy for love. And The Violent knows darn well you
are probably too concerned to say what you mean and
mean what you say. (See the original How to Avoid Dating
Damaged Women book to find out the signs and symptoms
and other categories of damaged women, including those
listed
here.)

In these cases, silence equals consent and continuation

equals compliance. Men with weak boundaries don’t
verbalize and take action on what they need. They are quiet
and hope “somehow” it will just all work out. Fantasies of
healthy relationships without the necessary work are
common for men with little boundary fortification.

4
But this message to Damaged Women is that silence means
you consent with their inappropriate behavior. Equally,
Damaged Women read continuation of the relationship or
their ability to continue the inappropriate behavior means
you are complying with their design of the unhealthy
relationship.

This is why boundaries are so crucial for men who want to

avoid Damaged Women. The ability to confront unhealthy
boundaries and behavior in the beginning of a relationship
may well sort out those who need to be gone, early on.

Boundaries are also important because they are a way of

respecting each other’s private lives and our ability to run
our own lives by ourselves…without the influences of the
Damaged Woman.

Boundary violations are great indicators of future

relationship problems and should be openly seen as
pertinent information not to be ignored. Our boundaries
are about our life—our choices, friends, jobs, preferences,
and just as much about our dislikes.

In healthy relationships, no one impinges in these areas of

our lives without an invitation. Boundaries are like gates by

5
which we open and invite others into these areas of our
lives. If they crash the gates without invitation, you can be
sure they will try to live inside your gates and in your
personal business without invitation because women who
are boundary violators feel entitled to run your life by their
definitions.

On the surface, she appears to be merely opinionated

or overly-involved. But women with chronic boundary
violations are really much more than merely opinionated.
These are boundary violations that actually create the
categories of Damaged Women listed in the original book.
(www.DateBetterWomenNow.com)

Men could avoid a lot of the uncomfortable, drama-filled

and dangerous situations they place themselves in if they
only recognized boundary violations as the serious
impingements to healthy relationships that they truly
are. If men would recognize that each boundary violation
pushes them further to the edge of tolerating and doing all
those things he said he would never tolerate or do, and in
the end rob his dignity, he might respond sooner to the
violations when they begin.

Men can quickly develop an increased tolerance to

boundary violations resulting in a “hyper-tolerance” in
which abnormal behavior then becomes normalized.

Each time a boundary is ignored, the line in the sand is

erased and another one is drawn further back towards you
until you have no line in the sand that shows what you will
not tolerate. Your No Tolerance Zone has been reduced to
zero and you begin to accept that as well.

6
Boundary violations committed by those who are the
chronically pathological can be exceptionally dramatic and
dangerous and point to a severe level of damaged-ness.
The higher the boundary violation, the more it points to
chronic and unrelenting pathology.

These high forms of boundary violations include:

Threatening to kill anyone or anything

Assaults—even on other women or on a pregnant woman
Forced sex in any capacity even with a known partner
Assault in front of other people
Violation of Court Orders
Stalking anyone for any reason
Threatening to harm her self if you end the relationship
Destruction of your personal property
Threatens to hurt other women/girlfriends in your life
Threats to ruin your reputation
Repeat offenses of this list

Healthy –VS- Unhealthy

So how should men compare and contrast what is healthy

and what is unhealthy in boundaries? What kinds of things
are unhealthy in a relationship?

What kinds of things are healthy and appropriate in

relationships?

7
What is Healthy?
• Open and honest communication
• Friendships outside of the relationship
• Taking responsibility for the outcome
• Having your own identity
• Time together and apart are balanced
• Emotional intimacy is built without the use of drugs
or alcohol
• Appropriate level of commitment in the relationship
based on the amount of time together
• Flexibility in relationship
• Knowing what you need
• Asking for what you need

What is Unhealthy?
• Gamey and manipulative Communication
• Few friendships other than you
• Relying on others for of your life and happiness your
happiness
• Feeling complete ONLY when with someone else
Too much togetherness Or too much aloneness.
• Uses alcohol/drugs to chemicals achieve false
intimacy
8
 • Over or under commitment for the amount of time
together
• Rigidity in relationship
• Clueless to what you need
• Afraid to express what you need

~ Boundary violations in these areas and others may

be pre-warning signs of more extensive violations that
may follow. ~

Specific Signs of a Bad Dating Choice

Learning the signs listed below and becoming aware of

your own signs from previous relationships will assist you
towards a new level of awareness in spotting Damaged
Women before you get involved.

So exactly what is the list of Signs of Bad Dating Choices?

These are just a guidepost but the most reliable list would
be the one you make from your own previous selections
and choices from your personal history.

Here are a few notable signs and a brief explanation as to

why they are a sign of a bad dating choice:

(This information is explained in more detail in the

original book ‘How to Avoid Dating Damaged Women’.
www.DateBetterWomenNow.com)

9
 Doesn’t respect your need
for alone time.
Dangerous, damaged and pathological women often have
their own issues regarding abandonment and being left
alone. A red flag is when someone doesn’t allow you to
have private time, singular activities, or your own thoughts.

Pushes to see you all the

time.

Dangerous, damaged and pathological women have

agendas which include rushing the pace of the relationship
to increase the sensation of ‘emotional intimacy.’ They
want a fast paced relationship in which you quickly move
in together or marry. That way, you don’t have time to find
out what they are really up to.

Discourages your outside

interests, family and friends.
Dangerous, damaged and pathological, women don’t want
10
you having an outside life involved with supportive people
who might clue you in on her motives and behavior. She
doesn’t want you to have friends who question your
relationship with a damaged woman. She doesn’t want you
to have a balanced life with outside interests. She wants to
be the narcissistic center of your life with no competition.

Asks you to do things you

are uncomfortable doing
(i.e., lying, loaning her money,
watching her kids, etc.)
Dangerous, damaged and pathological women have poor
boundaries. They are self focused and have no problem
asking for all of their needs to be met even if their needs
violate your needs.

Uses drugs (any kind of drug

should be a red flag).
Drug usage is often associated with increased risk factors
for violence and other problems in the relationships. (80%
of domestic violence is committed under the influence of
drugs or alcohol.) Additionally, it is often associated with
various types of mental illness and contributes to
emotional instability and physical volatility.

11
 Uses alcohol too frequently
and abundantly.

As mentioned above, medicating thru the use of drugs or

alcohol is often a mask for underlying mental health issues.
It also increases the chances of violence in a relationship
and emotional unpredictability. Since addictions carry their
own relationship ‘challenges’ each man should know the
signs of addiction and avoid addictive relationships.

Frequent un-employment
(except while in school).
Many men don’t know that frequent unemployment and
frequent job changing is often related to various mental
illnesses, including psychopathy. At the very least, these
deadbeats always manage to ‘lose their jobs’ as soon as
they move in with you and for some reason can never find
another one.

Frequent job changes:

frequently fired or dismissed that she
explains away.

12
As mentioned above, psychopathy (permanent disorders) is
often related to the ‘drifter’ lifestyle of the unemployed and
frequently jobless. Those with anger problems, addictions,
and inconsistency are often fired or dismissed from their
jobs. The only clue to you is the list of ‘reasons why’ she
can’t hold a job.

Wants to control your hair,

dress, behavior, friends, and jobs.
Power and control issues only continue to
get worse once they are established. If she’s already
controlling these factors in your life it won’t be long
until more and more are added. These are not reflective of
mere ‘opinionated women’ but are serious symptoms of
deeper problems and boundary violations.

Wants you to quit or change

jobs/friends for her.
Dangerous, damaged and pathological women often try
to test your limits by asking for you to do things like quit a
job or leave friends for her. She implies your sacrifices will
deepen her commitment in the relationship. But what she is
really doing is testing how far she can control every aspect
of your life.

13
 Multiple unsuccessful
relationships.
It’s amazing that men don’t think that all the unsuccessful
relationships she has implicates her as a ‘bad dating
choice.’ Her relationship history is hers alone and points to
how she does not handle the challenges and hurdles of
relationship demands. Contrary to what she claims, all the
other were not ‘abusive, psychos, or cheaters.’ Damaged
and pathological women never take responsibility for the
failure of their relationships.

Any sexually transmitted

disease, current, or in the past.
Who wants to risk this? If it happened before, she may be
no wiser and you may only find out after you are exposed.
Some STD’s are permanent (like Herpes). Others are
symptom-less.

Known to lie by others.

Damaged and pathological women typically have

pathological lying. Liars lie. And what she lies about could
put you at risk. Lies are designed to hide other lives that

14
include other men, children, criminality, and diseases—all
that can impact you.

You find out information you

should have known about her.
Women with hidden lives have stories that hide their other
lives with men and criminality. This kind of information
includes other names, her history, who she says he’s been
involved with, children you don’t know about, criminality
that was never disclosed, or diseases that are un-
confessed. Information that you find out you should have
know is like pulling a thread on a blanket…the whole thing
could unravel. Once trust like this has been breached…
where is there to go with the relationship?

Physically, emotionally,
verbally, sexually “unstable” or
“weird.”

These behaviors are often indicators of other lurking

behaviors. ‘Unstable’ and ‘weird’ are synonyms for ‘violence
ready to happen’ or out-of-control habits. These are always
red flags that men need to be alerted to in relationships.
Men often confuse these for merely ‘party behaviors’ or
consensual sexual behaviors---but it might not always be
that simple…

15
 Too charming--has all the
right lines, appears excessively
smooth.
Certain types of damaged and dangerous women
(especially true predators) are professional daters. They
don’t blunder or trip up—they are as smooth as glass. Let’s
face it, most normal women don’t date perfectly---they say
the wrong thing occasionally or do something
inappropriate. But these women, never make a wrong move.
The ‘smoother’ they are usually points to the more
pathological they are. The smoothest is the
psychopath.

History or previous diagnosis

of mental illness especially:

Untreated depression (Chronic depression can lead to self

destructive behaviors or violence to others)

Prone to anxiety or appears “keyed up”

Bi-polar (Manic/Depressive) especially if untreated or

sporadically treated

Conduct Disorder (in children at age 18 is re-diagnosed

as Psychopathy)
16
Anti-social Disorder (is Adult Psychopathy)

Schizophrenia or any other psychotic disorder (Has the

potential for violence)

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (A form of psychopathy)

Substance Abuse (unsuccessful treatment) or other

Addictions

Borderline Personality Disorder (A form of psychopathy)

The reason why mental health disorders are listed is

because some of these are known risk factors for:

Increased violence risk

Increased substance use risk

Increased self harm risk

Increased other addiction-based behavioral risks (sex,

porn, gambling, etc.)

Increased emotional instability risk

Has a criminal record of

which these should be noteworthy:
Chronic Speeding
D.U.I.’s
Assault on a Female/ Battery of any kind
Other assaults, including on men
17
Any sexual offense (Escorting, Prostitution, abuse)
Forgery/Bad checks/Deadbeat mom issues

Criminality is a great predictor of future behavior. The best

way to predict future behavior is to look at past behavior
and yet, men often overlook criminal histories. Some of
these offenses are ones listed on Domestic Violence and
Homicide Risk Assessment Inventories.

For instance, assaults and assaults on females and assaults

with weapons are often predictors of future violence.

Is inflexible--cannot change
to meet a spontaneous request.
One of the signs of pathology is inflexibility and rigidity.
Pathology is noted as being a disorder where the person is
incapable of ‘changing, growing, or developing insight
about one’s own behavior.’ If this is true, then it stands to
reason they are also inflexible since they can’t change or
grow.

The rules are for everyone

else except for her.
Many types of pathology are marked by problems with
structure, authority, or rules and boundaries. When people
have problems with rules—they usually have a narcissistic
bent to them and also have behavior problems since they
18
rebel against any type of structure.

Men are always the solution

to her problems.

Many types of damaged women see the solution to their

chronic never-ending problems as a man, any man.
Whether it’s her emotional abandonment issues, needing
money, a daddy for her children, or any other reason….her
life skills and life plan always includes some man rescuing
her from her own self-made problems.

CONCLUSION
Signs of a bad dating choice and the red flags are
behaviors that men can easily learn to detect. However, it’s
often not the only thing that needs to happen in men’s
lives in order for them to achieve healthy relationship
patterns.

For many men, choosing ‘bad girls’ ‘cheaters’ ‘needy and

Daddy’s Girls’ or ‘stalkers and predators’ are long enduring
selection patterns that have now become ingrained in him.

19
Given the choice between a nice girl and a bad girls, his
erotic impulse is going to be to take the bad girl. These are
not easily broken patterns of selection and it’s more than
‘mind-over-matter.’

Men who have spent years in relationships with dangerous

and damaged women have learned to ‘normalize abnormal
behavior.’ It’s hard to pick something different when it’s
the only thing you’ve ever known.

Sadly, men who start down the path with even one
dangerous and damaged woman average 4-5 before they
manage to get out and stay out. Sometimes this is because
of tragedy! Other times, they have successfully found our
program and have managed to develop their own Do Not
Date List of characteristics in women taken from their own
personal histories of relationship selection.

Permanent changes in relationship selection are made

through education on what pathology is, how it appears in
female relationships, and how to detect and detach when
you find yourself in one of those relationships.

The Dangerous Relationship Institute: A Relational Harm

Reduction Program AND Public Psychopathy Education
Project
(www.SafeRelationships.com and www.DateBetterWomen
Now.com) helps others achieve relational harm reduction
through our program.
20
Our program includes:
Our original books either “How to Avoid Dating Damaged
and Dangerous Women’ or ‘How to Spot a Dangerous Man’
both teach the categories of dangerous women or men,
their signs and symptoms, profiles of the types of partners
they seek, and how pathology is formed in a person.

FOR WOMEN:
Our workbook ‘How to Spot a Dangerous Man—A
Woman’s Survival Guide’ helps women detect
their unique personalized pattern of selection in
dangerous relationships. Our ‘How to Break Up With a
Dangerous Man’ book which helps women realize that
these men don’t break up like normal men do. There are
things you MUST do and MUST NEVER do while trying to
disengage.

(Stay Tuned: Men’s Products like these are also being

developed. )

Phone Counseling For Men Or Women. Not all therapists are

trained in psychopathology and can help you detect the
signs and symptoms in your relationship. Use a specialist
who is trained to see these patterns.

Support and Advocacy as you leave the relationship and

begin your new life.

Workshops. By invitation—we will bring a Damaged Woman

OR Dangerous Man Workshop to your community.

You cannot change what you do not see. And until you
understand pathology, the types of dangerous people, their

21
symptoms, and how your history has lead you down a path
to PICK these types, your next relationship will be the same
as this one. The good news is: our program is changing
lives! It is now being used all over the WORLD! My most
recent letter was from a program in Budapest! You don’t
have to stay stuck in relationships with go-nowhere people
…unless you want to.

The Dangerous Relationship Institute has been seen on

over 50 TV shows and in national newspapers and
magazines across the country. And with GOOD REASON! It
works.

Let us help you today change your choices, so you can

change your life!

Sandra L. Brown, MA
Psychotherapist & Author
www.DateBetterWomenNow.com

CONTACT INFORMATION:
The Dangerous Relationship Institute
www.DateBetterWomenNow.com
Email:
HowToSpot (at) yahoo (dot) com

(Support those who support us: Need web design,

graphics, or on-line business consulting on how to
maximize your website? We use http://www.outlaw-fx.com).

22