2011

C-Sema Group

www.sematanzania.org

GIVING VOICE TO CHILDREN

This paper has been prepared by a team of experienced teachers and will look at seven lifestyles or ideas to help
parents relate in an understanding way with their children hence ensuring they grow for a competitive tomorrow.
 Table of Contents Page Number

(i) PRELUDE. . . . . . . . 2

2. BE PROACTIVE . . . . . . . . 2

3. IT’S THE END TO JUSTIFY THE MEANS. . . . . . 3

4. FIRST THINGS FIRST. . . . . . . . 4

5. THINK WIN-WIN. . . . . . . . . 5

6. UNDERSTAND TO BE UNDERSTOOD. . . . . . . 5

7. SYNERGIZE. . . . . . . . . 6

8. SHARPEN THE SAW.. . . . . . 6

9. ANNEXED POEM. . . . . . . . . 8

We advocate & Specialize in Child Educational Rights; legal advisory services to research projects and the development of advocacy tools
within Tanzania specifically on Children and education, Children and participation, Children and violence, Gender and girls, Individual cases of
violations, M&E, Rights based programming, Sexual exploitation of children, etc .

C-Sema is duly registered in accordance with the Company’s Act, RE 2002.

Our address is: C-Sema Group, 17 Sea View-Upanga,

P. O. Box 110132 U-Hill, Dar es salaam.
Tel: +255 685 401239/713 223 606/767 269 308,
Fax: +255 222 420 702.
info@sematanzania.org
www.sematanzania.org

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Giving Voice to Children

(i) Prelude

For children life is not a playground, it is a jungle and being a parent is not a walk in the park. Parents have a
responsibility to help them learn the principles and ethics that will enable them to reach their goals and live a
successful adult life: a conforming voice- giving an opinion and attitude to the children. While it’s all well and good to
tell kids how to live their lives, children watch what parents do more than what they say. Parents have to practice
what they preach. The parent’s example can be very influential.

Back during our parents’ era, the 1960s and early 1970s parenting skills were learned from the extended family. If
parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles didn't live in the same house, they usually lived within a few mitres. They
were always available to impart their considerable wisdom to the younger generation on the subjects of pregnancy,
childbirth, and raising children. Now, we have become such a transient society; it is rare that the extended family is
even in the same Region/Province/Nation! Most of children have never seen their grandpa/moms, uncles, aunties,
etc. It’s is therefore calling for a committed mother and father to instill some brains into these innocent young ones.

Effective parenting has never been more vital to a family’s success than these days. Proper parenting shapes the
coming generations, and the way the next generation will behave. The classroom experience as teachers, has taught
us that parenting without a proper foundation has always and indefinitely lead to confusion for any developing child.
That is why the attempt of trying to groom successful parenting skills in Africa is so important and we hope that the
PAN Network grow to reach all nations in Africa, soon.

This paper has been prepared by a team of experienced teachers and will look at seven lifestyles or ideas for helping
parents relate in an understanding way with their children hence ensuring they grow for a competitive tomorrow.

1. Be Proactive

By being proactive a parent unlocks other habits and potentials within the child. With this a child takes control and
responsibility for his/her life. Proactive parents must understand that they are responsible for their own children’s
happiness or unhappiness. They don’t have to blame others for their own actions and feelings. It’s all about being
responsible.

Being a better parent is an art and it has to be learnt. Some parents are strict and disciplined with their children under
the assumption that, if parents are not strict with children, children may learn indiscipline and may develop different
bad habits. While this is true to some extent, there are many alternative methods to teach children about the
importance of being a good child. For instance, if a parent wakes up early in the morning, immediately children will
learn about waking up early in the morning. But if parents sleep until afternoon, children will get an understanding
that sleeping late is not considered as a lazy factor. Therefore, many of the teachings of being a better parent can be
taught to children by good practice of good habits and manners at home1.

Examples are numerous the most important thing is do what you sermonize to your child. Children learn more by
observation than listening, says Dr. Fran Walfish family therapist and consultant to Parents magazine. Both mother
and father have to be disciplined in order to be better parents for their children. This is because, children learn many
things from parents and in fact they follow their parents. It is important to understand here that children observe their
parents in many aspects beginning from food, dressing, conversation, communication and behavior. Therefore, in
order to be a better parent, if parents follow good conduct, naturally children will learn good things and will always
have a positive approach.

1.Fran Walf: The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond with Your Child

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This way, by following an idealistic method of living, one can always be a better father or a better mother. Throughout
our 8 years as a young children teachers/learning institute administrator(s), we have seen more children imitate their
mothers’ behaviours as opposed to just a handful of those following their fathers.

We hence, conclude that, the childhood is mostly influenced by mom and in many aspects; children get influenced
and inspired by the teachings of mom. Therefore, first, mother should try to be a better parent since she is the most
followed and depended upon by children. Finally, if the parents are warm and friendly with each other then with their
children, they are always more understood than the parents who are strict with children. Parents must feel
responsible that whatever they do or perform, will leave an impact on the lives of the children. For instance, if
father/mother carries too much of anger, children also will learn that the habit of getting anger is considered as a
positive attitude. But in fact, an angry parent is preparing angry children, which is not a good aspect. Therefore, in
order to be a better parent, first of all, parents have to be very much apt in their approach and attitude both at home
and with society so that children will get a good understanding about their parents and will begin to follow them.

2. It’s the end to Justify the Means

If children aren’t clear about where they want to end up in life, about their goals, values and what they stand for, they
will still wander, waste time, and be tossed to and fro by the opinions of others. Parents can help their children create
a personal mission that will act as a road map/strategy in his decision-making process (Christophersen, 2003, pg.
680).

Parents need to develop a clear expectation of what they want their child(s) to become. Depending on their family
setting, parents should plan and communicate their expectation to each other. Creating a list of filtered expectations;
largely in favour of both (mom & dad) these may include academic, religious, family oriented, personal appearance or
hygiene for different settings and activities will help parents be very specific and concrete in teaching their children
(Burke, 1997, pg. 73). An emphasis is placed on the parents to agree on some common values because we believe
that if they have not a common stand as parents how else they would showcase their expectation. Some
expectations may look fine with mother while the same may be a taboo to a father due to historical or tribal
background. All the same, while developing these expectations, parents must take into consideration the child’s age,
ability, developmental status, and resources that are available to the family.

For example, expecting a four year old child to prepare dinner for the family and then punishing her/him for not
meeting the expectations is very unreasonable due to his developmental status and age, as one can see. Ray Burke
states, in his book, Common Sense Parenting, that one way to see if one’s expectations are reasonable is to answer
these three questions:

 Have you (as a parent) taught the expectation to your child?

 Can your child clearly understand the expectations given? and
 Can your child model and perform what you have expected (Burke, 1997, pg. 74-75).

We also believe that these three questions cover the majority of whether ones expectations for their child are realistic
or not due to the child’s age and ability. When it’s certain that both parents have set appropriate expectations and
rules for their child, the next step is to communicate those expectations clearly to their child in word and indeed.
Ironically, in most of our family settings Children are expected to know the right things in a natural way, I believe by
imaginations.

For example, if a 5 year old child curious to learn how to write, draws some sketches on the kitchen door, most
mothers would react by a spark! This is a human being communicate to her/him! Be positive and specific on what you
think the child has done wrong. This way, the child shall have a clearer understanding of how he or she should
perform in the future when confronted with a similar situation.

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Yet another way of getting to express clear communicative expectations is to hold family meetings together. The
family can set time out of the week to express what expectations are to be held within the family household, as well
as going over any concerns or clarifications between both parents and the child. We have at least 5 example
Families that have set aside a Sunday as their “Family Day!” Ishika, M. M., our Chief Consultant and a firm believer
of family days, says “Doing this will only help improve the child’s behavior, you will discuss with them their academic
performance, stress on competition, you will plan their success, set some goals together, etc. It’s not a miracle that
my first born, Jeremiah (18) is at the University taking Telecommunication Engineering while his younger brother,
Baraka (16) is finishing his High School (Form 6) this year.”

3. First things First.

The habit of prioritisng and time management would ensure they focus on and complete the most important things in
their lives. Putting first things also means learning to overcome fears and being strong during difficult times. It’s living
according to what matters most. Parents must be firm and most of all consistent to achieve some valuable traits in
their children. Just as school teachers are in school, it’s clear that being in uniform, tucking inn, combed hair, brushed
teeth, ironed clothes, polished shoes among other acceptable schooling traits are achievable because teachers are
consistently reminding students about them.

Consistency is the “backbone” to discipline (Cutts, 1952, pg. 7). As Cutts states in his book, Better Home Discipline,
“You must be consistent in what you ask and forbid and in what you punish…if not, inconsistency between both
parents could lead to certain paralysis (Cutts, 1952, pg. 7).” To a child, inconsistency gives double messages;
children need to know where they stand in their behaviors (Braga, 1975, pg. 31). Consistency is the key to being a
successful parent, showing the child that you are reliable and serious.

4. Think Win-Win

Children can learn to foster the belief that it is possible to create an atmosphere of win-win in every situation.
Dialogue is key. This habit encourages the idea that in any given discussion or situation both parties can arrive at a
mutually beneficial solution. The child will learn to celebrate the accomplishment of others instead of being
threatened by them.

We are not saying that every decision affecting your child needs to be democratic, but you need to listen to your
child, at times. When children are listened to and know their opinion is valued, they will work all the harder when the
time comes. Children need to have and feel some degree of freedom to perform their absolute best. When we react,
we are often momentarily judging the situation from our own feelings or past experiences. A parent’s reaction sends
the child the wrong message. To a child, their feelings and opinions seem to be invalidated by the parent’s reaction.
An invalidation of feelings contributes to low self esteem and self worth. It can also trigger a child’s defence
mechanism manifesting in rebellion or wariness.

When a parent responds to their child they are receptive to the child's feelings and emotions. This is an invaluable
parenting skill enhancing the parent/child relationship. The child will feel safe enough to express themselves, with
openness and honesty following. Parental acceptance and unconditional love without the fear of parental
repercussions will further enhance relationship. A good parenting tip to remember when responding to your child is to
ask relevant questions about your child’s feelings. This will enhance conversation allowing the child the opportunity to
further discuss their feelings. Raising children with the opportunity to discuss their feelings at will makes for a more
positive parenting relationship. As a parent, you will understand life from your child’s viewpoint. Responding will also
create an opportunity for discussing potential solutions and plans of action with your child that they may not have
done by themselves. Your child will also appreciate that maybe you do indeed understand how they feel.

Another parenting skill to develop when actively listening to your child (and anyone else for that matter) is to give
your full, undivided attention. Stop what you’re doing - put down your newspaper, turn off the TV, stop folding the

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laundry and listen fully to your child. Make eye contact. Stop talking and listen. Don’t talk over your child and assume
you know what they are going to say. Stay calm and respond appropriately. When the opportunity arrives offer
positive parenting potential solutions to the problem.

We would also caution parents not to discourage their child from feeling angry, upset or frustrated. As teachers, we
wanted our classes to be happy. When they aren’t it is a natural reaction to try to detract them from these feelings,
but after years of practice we have learnt the fact that these are genuine feelings that everyone experiences. Your
child is no different. It is a natural part of child development to experience these feelings. When raising children it is a
valuable parenting skill to teach your child how to handle these feelings in a constructive and positive way. Anger and
frustration need to be acknowledged for what they are - genuine feelings. When responding to these feelings, ask
questions about why they are feeling the way they are. Listen to your child’s answers objectively. Then offer potential
solutions that may alleviate the feeling. In the case of anger, suggest ways to deal with anger in a positive way.
Suppressed anger is a major issue that can lead to many emotional problems down the track. Offer examples of
when you have had the same feelings. By displaying a positive parenting role model, you will gain respect and trust.

Your children are people too, with real feelings and real experiences. Talk to them! When a parent actively listens to
their child, the bond between parent and child is strengthened. Actively listening and responding appropriately
demonstrates to your child how much you care. They will know you want to help. They will also realise that you are a
person with real experiences and real feelings and that you actually have similar experiences of your own that they
can draw from. While parenting it is an important parenting skill to respond to your child rather than react. By actively
listening to your child you are developing essential parenting skills, creating a more positive parenting experience.
You are developing a competitive individual who will be able to articulate issues through logical reasoning.

5. Understand to be Understood.

Most parents fight in front of their children; one of the great frustrations in life is to expose your children to spouses
arguments. Remember children are struggling to understand both parents (their mother and father), they envisage
success through what you do or say. They do not think twice about whether what you say to each other is valid or
just out of anger. They believe in you. If you shout at each other calling each other names, your child may grow
knowing for instance that my ‘mom is stupid’, and ‘my dad is alcoholic.’ This is very confusing.

Do what I say and not what I do is a common phrase that is often repeated; however it only confuses children.
Children do not what the parents say rather they do what the parents have replicated into their lives. Children copy
the behaviors that parents have presented to them time and time again. Looking at the messages one sends to his or
her child is easily seen by analyzing one’s own behaviors. The parents’ main goal is to always set a positive example
that the children can model by (Burke, 1997, pg 150). For instance it would be wise for the parents to lock their
bedroom door behind while they go on arguing over a situation. Children may never find out about this, hence
protected.

“One morning a 6 year old child in Standard II was brought in my office having spoken some very ‘abusive
language/statements’ in front of her peers. In reality, they (fellow 6 years) did not realise it was offensive rather a
senior pupil in Standard VI heard the story as it all happened during a lunch break. The girl had revealed to the rest
of her friends that her dad never loved her the way he would because he only made love to her mother and never to
her. She said always her mother and father talks about loving… (I love you, I love you, too stuffs while in the dark
making love at night). I calmly listened to this honest girl who wanted a share of her dad’s love making. It was clear
to me that the child shared a bedroom with her parents. They were not cautious enough to realise she was growing
up very fast and was actually eager to hear them talk and make love to each other night after night. She made it a
habit to fake her sleep to deceive them into doing it while she watched in the dark! I called both her parents at school
and shared with them this shocking truth. They confirmed the mistake and changed her bed settings!”2
2. A true incident that happened 2006 while Mr. Kiiya, JK was the Headmaster at Littlewood Schools in Dar es salaam.

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6. Synergize

Synergy is achieved when two or more people work together to create something better than either could alone.
Through this habit children learn that it doesn’t have to be “your way” or “my way” but rather a better way, a higher
way. Synergy allows children to value differences and better appreciate others. Do not let your all life be for your
children; otherwise they will hate being parents when they grow up. Share with them some happy moments and
difficulty ones. Let them know that there are ups and downs and that it’s never that smooth always. Let them
appreciate the challenges of life at an early age to cement their ground for future storms and tides when they come of
age. Do not put a protector shield against every little challenge that they face, especially those consequences of their
own reckless conducts. Let them learn the principle; for every action there is a reaction.

Use natural and logical consequences to showcase the true World awaiting your child out there. Natural
Consequences are outcomes - positive or negative to a person's action. This method has certain advantages over
the traditional reward-and-punishment approach. It is a method of discipline that develops responsibility in a child.
Natural consequences occur without any interference by the parent – for instance if a child refuses to wear shoes,
the natural consequence may be the child cuts their foot on glass, rocks, etc. The parent didn't do anything to make
the child hurt their foot. The child's foot was hurt because of the decision made to ignore the parent's advice to
wear shoes. Natural consequences can become frustrating to parents because positive results can take longer
than alternate methods. It's important for parents to remember the process of learning from mistakes is worth the
wait.

Logical Consequences – too, are outcomes - positive or negative to a person's action - imposed by the parents when
the child behaves in a certain way. They are logically related to the behaviour – an example would be if a child
refuses to wear a bike helmet, bike riding privileges may be removed for some time, etc.

The biggest challenge facing parents is the type of remedy they would employ when handling practical situation from
their own children. Deciding between Natural and Logical Consequences is not the only problem. The traditional
disciplinary should never be removed out of the picture completely, depending on individual situational merit, they still
hold water. All in all, the goal of natural and logical consequences is so that the child learns from their own mistakes.
So, how does a parent know whether to set a logical consequence or allow the natural consequence to teach the
lesson? Natural consequences can be very effective when they are immediate. However, the child's best interests
and safety need to be taken into consideration. If a child is failing in school, for instance and refuses to put the effort
in. A natural consequence of not getting into university would not be in the child's best interests. The child doesn't
have the perception to see so far ahead. A logical consequence would be more beneficial. Hitherto, if a teenager
refuses to wear a seatbelt when driving. A natural consequence would be neglectful. A more appropriate logical
consequence of not being able to drive the car would be more suitable.

From the above discussion it is clear that working together (synergy) with your child may help you develop a more
appropriate approach towards instilling acceptable moral into his life. Being a parent requires nothing. There are no
entrance exams or tests you have to take to be a parent. Anyone can be a parent. That is not to say it is easy,
though. To be a good parent there are some parenting skills you really should have. These parenting skills often
come natural or are easy enough to learn. They will help you through the process of raising a child. Most parents
already have these skills and do not even give it a second thought. Some of the skills are self explanatory while
others may not seem so obvious. It’s all up to the parent to get it right.

7. Sharpen the Saw

Children should never get too bust living to take time to renew and revitalise themselves. When children “sharpen
their saw” they keep their personal self sharp so that they can better deal with life. It means regularly renewing
strength of the four key facets of life- brain, body, soul and heart. Recreation is the brain food. Let them make noise,
let them be playful, allow them time to just live their child life to the fullest.

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In conclusion, let us share with you some four teacher’s skills that may well be helpful in your parenting for we
believe a teacher’s work does look like parenting in most respectable aspects. First a good teacher needs to be
patient: Patience is a huge parenting skill. Children are very good at trying your patience and you have to be able to
withstand that. You have to be patient with children because they are just learning. They are discovering the world
around them and this often leads to hours and hours of them wanting to do what they want to do. They may not
understand a lot of things and you have to be patient as they learn to understand. Patience is key to keeping from
exploding at your child or losing your cool with them.

Another is being a loving teacher: Teaching skills sandwiched with love are very important when parenting. Part of
parenting is teaching. You are your child's number one guide to life. They learn everything from you from how to talk
to how to treat others. They learn the little things and the big things in life form watching you. You have to be a good
teacher to make sure your child grows up to be the person you want them to be. Throughout this paper we have
talked about listening: Listening skills are another great part of parenting. There will be many times you will have to
listen to your child for various reasons. As infants listening to them and paying attention to them is the only way to
understand what they need. As they get older listening to your child will help your develop your relationship and help
ensure they are getting what they need form you.

Just like a teacher, a parent, too need to be organised. It may not seem like a big deal, but as soon as you have a
child you will discover that you have to be organised. Children run on schedules, especially when they are first born.
Having and sticking to a schedule is essential to make the baby feel secure. You will find the more organised you are
the less stressful parenting is and the more time you actually have to enjoy your child. Without schools timetables
teaching and learning would be impossible. We believe a little organisation at family level would not be harmful.

Another role a parent need to copy from teachers is being a detective. Detective skills may seem odd to be on the list
of parenting skills, but any (teacher) parent will tell you that it is important. There are going to be many times you will
have to search for clues to find out what is going on with your child. You will have to be smart and cunning
sometimes to get to the bottom of things. As your child gets older being a detective may be the only way to stay on
top of their life and know what is going on with them. Please do not overdo this as it may be very bad if a child would
react with; ‘Dad or Mum… Have you been spying on me?’

Some first aid skills too are needed. Doctoring & psycho-social skills are a large part of parenting. You have to be
able to diagnosis what is wrong with them. They will come running to you whenever they feel bad and expect you to
make them feel better. You will have to know when to treat them yourself and when to seek a doctor’s help. You will
have to be able to doctor small wounds and bruises. You will have to treat colds and flu or even more complicated
signs.

These are only a handful of the parenting skills you will need. A parent is a sort of huge sieve of all trades you have
to not only raise them and love them, but also handle every other aspect of their life. Your child will look to you for
everything and you need the right skills in order to help them and raise them. Parenting skills are often learned in
time as you are raising your child. Most people do not know anything when they have a child, but learn as they go.
You will pick-up all the skills you need as you start to begin on the journey of parenthood. Parenting skills will come
naturally and by experimental. Be ready and always eager to make a better parent.

Below this paper there is an annexed poem that we would love you to run your eyes through.

This Paper has been prepared by Jarn Jose, Ishika Mshaghuley & Kiiya, JK; Child Protection Programme, C-Sema Group, Dar es salaam.

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THIS IS A POEM ORIGINALLY DONE BY A GREEN HILL ACADEMY STUDENT, ADOPTED FOR YOU, KARIBU.

Parents, children are a photocopy of their parents’ character

You are the hydro power dams from which they
Can tap the power of living light.
But if the dams are empty of values, and the water levels are too low,
What will they tap? Only darkness.
Many parents are suffering from ‘Too Busy!’

Yes, the cost of living is high, but the cost of loving is affordable.
There’s God to help you.

Each child is a goldmine and it’s the parents to mine the gold out of them
Sarcastically, there are parents who see their children as a form of tax;
Tax on their time, tax on their comfort and tax on their freedom
And immediately send them to boarding school even in Nursery,
So as to evade these taxes.
Remember, children are like the Global Fund, a gift and a donor fund from God,

You will have to provide full accountability for their use or mismanagement,
You shall be audited.

The home is the first classroom in which a child sits.

But unfortunately, the teachers that is, the parents, have absconded from duty
And if you ask them, they will tell you,
To them, Laptop is their daddy, they see him every day
The Telephone is their mummy; she talks to them whenever they want
Parents, these are your children and, have boarded the wrong taxis,
to the Northern bypass of destruction

Physically, they maybe in University, but mentally, they are in kindergarten

With their minds still wrapped up in nappies.
Don’t just be the head of the home but head the home

Forget not, PARENT means;

P – Personal Friend,
A – Available,
R – Responsible,
E - Encourages
N – Nurtures and
T – Teaches

Now is the time for IDPs (Internally Displaced Parents) to return home,
So that the reconstruction of the family can begin.
There are parents who are living in camps of bondage called bars;
Extramarital affairs, cross generational rapports…..
They need to come home for the family is under attack

Homes used to be likeable place, for Making Life Better,

But now, they have become like Battle Fields, daily explosions of verbal artillery,
All this detonated by marital conflicts!
You the parents, have become suicide bombers, blowing up our future
When we see daddy approaching, ‘black mamba is about to strike’
We take cover as he comes heavily armed with words of mass destruction.
Other parents are like electrical-shocks, they load shed their time for their children,
Even up to one week and the kids end up in a black out of values.
The lucky ones survive if they have friends, who act as power generators,
providing insufficient power

The parliament and cabinet are the brain of the government

But the family is the foot of the nation.
When it fails to stand, the nation falls
Parents, have time for your children.
Say, ‘NEVER AGAIN’

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