Jose Antonio Torres, Jr.

Autobiography

I am a Puerto Rican middle aged male born and raised in New York City.

My parents are first generation Boricuas that were born on the Island and

migrated to New York City in search of a better life. I am the eldest of seven

children. I have three sisters and three brothers. I was raised in the Bronx and

attended an elementary catholic school. My immediate family included my sisters

and brothers, grandparents, uncles and aunts. My household was always full of

music and laughter.

My very first painful experience was when as a child I had my finger

amputated by an escalator. I was two years old at the time. This incident took

place at a department store in the Bronx. I was with my mom, I strayed away

from her. I saw this moving stair and being a curious fellow, I stuck my hand in it.

I can remember the burning sensation and the smell of grease and blood. People

were screaming and I screamed louder than anyone there. My mother passed

out from all the screaming, I was told later on. Hey I was crying hysterically. All of

sudden this beautiful black woman reached out and picked me up. I can

remember the smell of her perfume to this day. I managed to some how rip the

patch from a skin graph off my thigh. It still gives me the chills when I think about

it today. She held me close to her bosom. I felt this sense of calm come over me.

That lady was my grandmother. She was wearing a black sparkled dress. I still

have dreams of this day, the touch of my grandmother, and I will never forget the

pain and the bittersweet embrace of my grandmother. My grandmother was

always the woman of my dreams. She was my friend and the person I trusted. I
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knew she would never let anything happen to me. She loved me more than

anyone else in the world, even more than my parents. I was her special child.

She always said I would grow up to be successful one day. She pushed me to

finish school and to be better than my dad. As I grew older she taught me

independence. She would always say be your own person no matter what. She

was my mom. She taught me to cook and to able to take care of myself. My

happiness was important to her. I remember she would stay up late and I would

get the hair brush and comb her hair and she would tell me stories about my

granddad, father and mother. I would stay there all night and just comb her hair

till she fell asleep.

When I was fourteen years old my parents decided to divorce for good. My

dad got worse with his drinking. Mom just couldn’t keep the family together

anymore. During early parts of my adolescence I was left to raise my sisters and

brothers. And, as I was the one child that looked the most like my father, my mom

took out her anger against him on me. I was the first to get put into the system.

Mom decided to send me to a youth camp in upstate New York. Then I went to a

group home in Syracuse, and then back to the Bronx. I worked my way into a

counselor’s position at the age of sixteen, working on weekends. I would go

home to grandmas and visit, eat and get my nurturing. By then my parents were

in a nasty divorce battle and it hurt like hell. I was missing them in spite of what

was going on between them. It was then that I realized I was on my own for the

rest of my life.

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 By the time I was eighteen, I had experienced more than most people do

in a lifetime. Homelessness, prostitution, and drugs were my forte, my personal

hell was just starting I don’t know how I managed to graduate from high school in

(1973). I thought then my life was getting better. Shortly after that my daughter

was born, my son a year after that and my second son a year after. My daughter

impacted my life the most. God she was so beautiful. Looked just like grandma

too. My sons were a spitting image of me. I didn’t know crap about being a dad,

as much as I told myself I would never be like my dad, man I was in for a rude

awakening.

A couple of years after the kids were born I moved to Los Angeles,

California to be a model. I had to return to the Bronx because by then my

grandma was suffering from Alzheimer’s and she was placed at Bronx state

hospital. I remember visiting her and it was scary. She had a blank expression,

no feelings or emotions. I was scared because I knew this was the last time I

would see her. I remember when I was leaving that she looked into my eyes

smiled and kissed me on the cheek. There were tears running down her cheeks

and she said to me don’t worry God is going to take care of you. That was the

last time I saw her alive. I returned to Los Angeles and a month later I was back

home at her funeral. I was angry, hurt, confused and bitter at the world. I fought

with my uncles, siblings and parents. No one heard my pain. I never got over it.

To this day I miss my grandma. It is through our special relationship and love that

I share this part of my life. It is her spirit that guides me in any of my successes

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and accomplishments today. I share this story of success and dreams the way

she would have wanted me too.

I’ve also been a person affected by addiction which has caused much of

the pain in my life. Addiction took away many of my lifetime dreams. My life had

become unmanageable. The only thing that mattered was my addiction. My

individuality, my family, friends and everything that mattered to me were lost

through addiction. Learning to overcome the addiction and seeking help was an

important transition in turning my life around. I was able to rebuild my life. Some

people say recovery is the hardest thing to do. Yet it can be the simplest thing to

do. The key to long term recovery is to really just abstain. I know that controlling

my anger was an important key in understanding my own recovery. I could write

a few books on the things I’ve learned in recovery. The interesting thing is

recovery never gets easy. The key for me is to believe I can do it. The benefits

are great and life in recovery is rewarding.

I have now been in recovery for the past twenty five years and the last few

years have been a testimony to my accomplishments in life. Having been

detached from myself emotionally, I was caught in the grips of co-dependency in

my marriage of twelve years. I had no relationships outside of that not with my

children or my family. I was desperate. Not understanding that it was time for

changes in my life. However the good Lord saw to it that it was his will not mine

that my life was going to change no matter what I thought or tried to do. In the

summer of 2000 I bought my first home it was thrilling but at the same it was

scary feeling because somehow and someway my life was going to change.

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 I really had no idea of what God had in store for me. I can tell you this,

looking back; I made a lot of impulsive decisions and overcame a lot of

challenges. My mother became ill in September 2001. She suffered three

strokes. For the first time I realized how hurt I was as we had only begun to

establish a true bond. For the first time in my life my mother and I were at peace

with each other. After her illness I went into a deep depression believing my

father was next. My sisters came to Florida from up North and took my mother

with them. She now resides in a nursing home where they pay her the occasional

visit. I felt so powerless, when I visited her last, she had really helped me get to

know God and get close to him but I couldn’t do anything to help her. I got close

to my father and now I fear that I may not have them in my life for long, so I do

my best to help them today. Later in the year, after all was said and done with my

mother, I made a conscious decision to seek therapy. After nine months of

intensive therapy it was time for me to start making changes in my life. Or should

I say my higher power helped me make these changes.

I separated from my wife at the time under extremely difficult

circumstances. We divorced eight months later. The summer of 2003 was long

and painful. I cried for several months then finally one day I just stopped crying

and feeling sorry for myself. I tried everything I could to emotionally forget. As

time went on and I continued therapy I got stronger and little things started

happening in my life. All of sudden my children started looking for me. I began to

feel good about myself. I finally got to see my grandchildren and I developed a

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new bond with my daughter and my son. I began to work at a drug program as a

group facilitator.

I was still emotionally tapped out and had nothing left to give myself, or

anyone else. But I hung on to Hope. I dealt with feelings of anger like I had been

ripped opened emotionally. I still feel that pain from time to time, but it makes me

more determined to succeed. As I continue to pursue my goals and began to

achieve some of them I felt more empowered to continue to achieve more. In

2004, life was extremely difficult. I faced a lot of difficulties as I was trying to

sustain employment while attempting to return to school. Everywhere I turned I

hit a brick wall. My emotions were in disarray. During this very difficult time in my

life I was first diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). For me

facing the challenge of PTSD has been difficult. It is hard to explain but somehow

I know that I will prevail. Now I look forward to the day’s challenges. The truth is

that everyday life continues to present more challenges. In the Holiday Season of

2004 I was working two jobs and feeling all alone. My symptoms of depression

became worse. However, with my faith in God and my therapist I was able to

once again overcome a lot of obstacles. I must also mention the support I

received from my friends during this time with friends that believed in me even

when I did not believe in myself. In the fall of 2005, I again made the decision to

return too school with the support of my supervisors and co-workers. With a lot

of persistence I am now a student at Springfield College. Attending school has

opened my eyes to new and wonderful challenges. And I am confident that I will

succeed. Returning to school has given me so much confidence in my abilities. I

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have become independent and as a result I was able to secure my own place

which I can call home. This accomplishment alone has given me a new sense of

self worth.

My professional career is also distinguished by several key moments of

painful transitions, opportunities for growth, which at the time I did not perceive

as such. I started my counseling career, while still in a youth home in the Bronx,

when I was only 18 years old. I had several counselors that recognized my

ability to engage other youth and decided to provide me the benefit of their

counseling expertise through training and whom acted as my mentors for over 18

months. While in California, I worked as a sales associate in a department store.

This position afforded me an opportunity to learn customer relations and

increased my communication and people skills. I worked in this position for a

year, and was promoted to Assistant Manager. As an Assistant Manager I was

able to acquire some administrative and management skills under the

supervision of the Store Manager. Upon returning to the Bronx I worked in

several maintenance and home improvement positions that provided me an

opportunity to work in a Public Housing setting. Through these trade positions I

was able to further develop my people’s skills as many of the residents were in

need of much more than simple apartment maintenance. Because of my

counseling skills, I was able to go beyond maintenance activities, and engage

clients in a dialogue regarding their social service needs. Although, my activities

were not related to a formal counseling position, I was able to provide to the

public housing counseling staff with input regarding resident needs. In 1995

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while living in Virginia I also worked in one of Baltimore City’s public housing

facility. In my position I was able to continue to informally practice many of the

counseling skills I had acquired and I was able to once again coordinate with the

Baltimore Department of Social Services and the Baltimore Housing Authority to

increase their knowledge of specific residents that required counseling and case

management services.

Upon relocating to Florida I tried several trade jobs including working the

Seminole County Parks Department, driving an eighteen wheeler across country,

and delivering petroleum to several residential and commercial customers. I

longed for the days of being able to more actively interact with people, and to be

in a counseling position. My first opportunity came when I met the Executive

Director of Transition House. Transition House is a small non profit organization

located in Kissimmee, Florida. My recovery background and my prior counseling

experiences were instrumental in securing an entry level Substance Abuse

Counseling position. The terms of the hiring were that I was to initiate my

education and secure certification as an addiction professional from the State.

While employed with Transition House, I became State Certified as a Pre and

Post Test HIV Counselor and participated in several trainings, e.g. Nuts and Bolts

of Case Management, Drug Court Program Liaison Training Program, Center for

Disease Control – HIV Intervention Specialist, and I participated in numerous

intensive staff development sessions on clinical supervision, conflict resolution,

managing hard to reach client, working with dually diagnosed clients, working

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with the homeless, and the correlation between HIV, substance abuse, mental

health, and other comorbidities.

After a year of working as a Case Manager at Transition House, I was

recruited by the Center for Drug Free Living based in Orlando, Florida as a

Certified Behavioral Health Technician, working in the Detox Unit. While at the

Center, I received intensive clinical supervision focused on client treatment plans

and confidentiality. During my employ with the Center I became interested in

local health planning activities, and as a volunteer I in the local HIV Prevention

Community Planning Partnership and the County Commission on Substance

Abuse. Through both these local coalitions of key stakeholders in HIV and

Substance Abuse, I became acquainted with community planning processes. In

2003-2004 I participated as a local Street Outreach/Interviewer in the Orlando

Rapid Assessment and Research Evaluation (RARE) Project. In this capacity I

received training, and worked with mapping, focus groups, street interviewing,

research and evaluation of two targeted minority (Black and Hispanic/Latino)

communities in two distressed areas Orlando area. During the fall of 2003 I

began a part time counseling position with the ACT Center. In this position I was

responsible for one-on-one and group counseling with individuals that had been

charged with Driving Under the Influence (DUI).

In July of 2004, I applied and was hired by Lakeside Alternatives. This is a

mental health Baker Act facility in Orlando. My position as a Certified Mental

Health Technician, my responsibilities ranged from providing assessments and

treatment planning to one-on-one counseling to support group facilitation. During

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my employment with Lakeside Alternatives I was promoted to the position of

Assistant Recreational Therapist. In this position I worked directly under the

supervision of a Nationally Certified Recreational Therapist in Behavioral Health

Care. My responsibilities included recreational therapy, assessments, and

completing medical billing. I was employed with Lakeside Alternatives for 18

months.

Because I had returned to school to pursue a degree in human services,

and for personal reasons, I decided to relocate to West Central Florida. In July

2006, I was hired by Operation PAR as a Methadone Maintenance Counselor. In

this position I am responsible for providing substance abuse counseling service,

developing treatment plans, conducting psychosocial assessments, and

facilitating relapse prevention support groups. I am currently supervised by a

Certified Masters Level Addiction Specialist. The focus of my professional

development while at Operation PAR has been on building a therapeutic

environment, developing and documenting treatment plans, clinical supervision,

working with clients with comorbidities, and focusing on providing bilingual

(Spanish/English) therapeutic counseling to Latina/Hispanic clients being

serviced through the Methadone Clinic.

Personal accomplishments include returning to therapy for counseling to

address issues of anger and trust; continuing to pursue a degree in human

services; and strengthening my relationship with my life time partner and family.

Counseling is a lifetime commitment; I should secure my degree by the summer

of 2008 and pursue my master’s and PHD at Argosy University, and I hope to

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enter into a healthy relationship, through marriage, to my long term partner. Then

live that life long dream of establishing my own community based private practice

to help addicts , felon’s and Latino’s achieve their life long dreams.

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