I grew up as a Christian, my parents are very religious.

I've went to church sin

ce I was born. And up to half a year ago I was a strong believer in Christ, I pr
ayed every day sincerely and I fully gave myself to God.
But one thing bothered me my whole childhood, I was afraid. Afraid of the raptur
e, ever since I was 7 and my sunday school teacher told us that Christ's coming
was very soon. And to be ready. And despite the fact that I prayed immediately a
fter accidental sins, I couldn't excape the fear that I wouldn't be forgiven or
that God would come inbetween my sin and the forgiveness prayer. I would check r
epeatedly to see if my parents were still there, and if I couldn't find them, I
would be scared out of my mind in a panic attack. I was right with the lord, I k
now that for certain, but I couldn't excape the fear that I wouldn't make it. I
was only 7, and deeply depressed that I wouldn't be able to live my whole life,
I thought I wouldn't even make it to my teenage years. It's like the fear of a c
hild with cancer getting ready to die, but added with the fear of burning in hel
l for eternity.
But the last couple of years, I was depressed for other reasons, one being I had
no friends. Absolutely no friends, I was incredibly shy. I hated myself, but I
still loved God more than you know. There was no doubt if he was real or not. I
prayed everyday that if God would just give me the strength to talk, then I woul
d use it to preach his name and be a servant my entire life, I swore to use my n
ew God given confidence to tell people about his word and I meant it. But day af
ter day, I would attempt to talk to people and fail to do so. I continued to pra
y.
But the last year was a huge turning point for me, I had real NEEDS from God, pe
rfectly in line and I needed to be delivered from a sin that was tearing me away
from God. I tried to stop it, I prayed for the strengh, and just as for the com
fort I asked for as a child, the confidence I asked for as a pre-teen and now my
real need, not one answer. Nothing. I even stepped insanely out of my confort z
one to ask for prayer at church, they prayed for me. But I never felt the change
everyone professed. I wanted it more then my life itself, I wanted God. But sti
ll, nothing. And I began to wonder, what have I recieved from God? Have I ever r
ecieved guidance or direction whatsoever? No, I hadn't, I didn't want it written
on the wall or audible in my head either. Just SOMETHING. Anything, at all.
And just a few months ago, I was actually on the website, Yahoo! Answers, defend
ing Christianity. But they directed me to do some unbiased research on the subje
ct of evidence of God. And what I found shocked me. There are so many points I c
ould hit against Christianity, but a few hit me hard. I first realized the info
I got from Christians and the info I got from Atheists varied extremely. And whi
le the Christians told me how their uncle got a raise in his paycheck when he pr
ayed, Atheist show me how Evolution wasn't the moronic nonsense Christians made
it out to be, it was convincing and it made sense to me. And they showed me evid
ence to support it. And I realized that Christianity wasn't the only religion li
ke my parents sheltered me to believe. While this guy is preaching about Mohamme
d, another guy is talking about how he was abducted by aliens. From the ancient
polytheism, to modern Scientology they all had one thing in common. They had NO
evidence to support them.
I asked myself, "well what makes Christainity right over say Islamism?" They get
the same claimed miracles Christians do sometimes, someone tells of when they o
pened the Quran and they opened it to a page that speaks directly to them. And t
hat's enough to convince them. I asked "but what about when people say they've s
een angels or heard God speak audibly?" And I noticed but as people claim they s
aw aliens or ghosts, the same answer can apply. The mind plays tricks and percie
ves things wrong, and not everyone is mentally stable. And to top it off with an
other little thing that happened, I still couldn't understand how all of this co
uld just come to be. Why does the moon shine to provide us light in the dark? Wh
y is it always there? It's perfect and has meaning and purpose. But I went outsi
de to pray for faith that night, and it was pitch dark, no moon visible at all.
At that point I asked, why believe in a God like this? If he can't be presented
with any valid evidence can't he at least do something for ME? Not someone who I
question their sanity, ME? Why not me? I was diligent and obedient, humble and
faithful, kind and foregiving. Maybe I'm too smart for Christianity, how can he
expect me to believe him?
So, I'm now 16 I then decided I would choose to live my life on fact not fable.
Truth not tales. And for myself, not to please a God that can't please me or eve
n be enough of a God to let me know he's real. People talk about their relations
hip with God, but how can you have a relationship when all you do is read a book
? A friend that says nothing directly to you? I think that's called an IMAGINARY
friend. And now all the irrelevant info I disregarded before made sense, the bi
g bang, forming of star clusters and our world, evolution and ultimately us. It'
s based on the smartest minds in human history, the great philosphers and scient
ists. Not a book with no real trace.
So that's why I'm Atheist, and ever since I gave up God, I lost the fear of rapt
ure, and I'm starting to make friends for once in my life. I still have somewhat
of a social anxiety disorder, but I'm learning to do things myself and get them
taken care of instead of wait for a God to do it for me. I gained a tiny fear o
f death, but I look at it as "I've been dead for billions of years before this,
and it didn't bother me at all then."
And actually, my parents have no idea I'm Atheist. They're clueless, and while I
listen to them talk about the rapture I so feared, and how faggots deserve to b
urn in hell, despite the fact they're obviously born that way, and how science i
s of the devil despite the fact it's based on FACT. And how God is great despite
the horrible crimes he and his people committed in the old testament, I can bre
ath easy, knowing my life is mine to create without Mr. Jesus. And my mind is my
private space not invaded by a stalker God listening in on all my thoughts. And
how I don't need love or compassion from some deity, I can be secure in myself.
And once I die, sure I'll be dead, but ignorance is bliss I suppose. And I even
still attend church twice a week, and have friends there. But because of where
I live, until I move away I'll still have to hide my true beliefs.
So after all that, I ask you as a last chance of Christianity, why should I? Why
should I give him another chance? I've told myself, no more chances for religio
n, because every time it fails. All I've seeked in religion is truth, and all I'
ve found is lies. Time and time again. I'm and 100% certain my heart was fully f
or him, the Bible says you should be a child in God, and that's exactly what I w
as. How can someone whose been raised their whole life as Christian be a faker?
They can't, and I wasn't, as most Christians accuse me of. And still I look arou
nd and see all my acquaintances wasting their lives in ignorance and rejection o
f facts, and live based on first century mythology and guesses based on ancient
questions which can be answered now.

Signed,
Mark