28 Fatal Mistakes Part III

It is the sixth day of the 11th month of the year of Our Lord
2005. I have been
Compiling these thoughts for almost a year now. It is kind of
odd I think because
in the beginning this piece was only supposed to have been
one paragraph. Now I
Am re writing part III of a many paged document and it has led
to me opening many
Locked doors within myself. This has surprised me greatly. I
am not sure where
This is leading but in the event of my death I see it as a
definitive view in how my
Mind has been operating in my end days as it is being written
without really anticipating anyone really wanting to read it. I
never expect anyone to understand
my reasons for writing this piece but it is kind of clearing my
conscious as I have no one to turn to. Well at least I got the
one thing I always wanted I even moved across
the entire country to achieved it. I am utterly and totally alone
not even a cat to come home to and my passing will not make
the slightest difference. I think about it every
day and dream of it at night. I only hope and pray that I am
successful when the time comes because my failures leading
up to this point have cost me dearly in ways I never thought
would come to pass. Oct 6/05 11:29 Dream well

It is neither a sign of bravery or valor to concede to the wishes

of your enemy by accepting defeat in the light of certain
circumstances. I have long ago accepted levels of kindness in
the place of Love as Love is as illusive as a cloud on the
horizon of dawn. Immortality is not gained by cheating death it
is attained by being remembered long after death has been
achieved. Acts of kindness are less remembered than acts of
treachery. As long as this simple fact is remembered and
accepted Immortality is something that can be achieved by
anyone. To be Legend requires an act that may or may not be
recognized preferably an act of unconditional kindness
coupled with altruistic motive or direction.
I would like to think that there have been such incidents in my
journey that I have had the gift in achieving such
circumstances.
Much to my chagrin if I was to point out to such happenings it
would cancel out or negate the original purpose of doing
something advantageous to the ordinary person who has not
the strength or resources to do so on their own volition.
Simply said I call it the Sir Galahad Syndrome
29

I have no motive for the things I do other than coercion of

kindness. The grand architect of doing acts of contrition with
the simple reason that I can. Drowning in self-pity has always
been one of my character defects and I cease to wallow in this
soul wracking tar that used to consume me in its mire, no one
wants to hear it and the most pathetic thing is hearing it from
a thirty four year old man acting like a baby. I have learned
long ago that no one wants to hear it let alone cares so why
bother? People over the years have felt more genuine empathy
and pity towards me than love. Tragic to say the least that
there are so few who care empathically about the person that I
have become. It is very ironic that the point in time that I run
out of money is the smacking reality that I have run out of
friends. Comedy at it’s best. The cruel reality that I am utterly
alone has finally hit home to a heart that needs to love
another heart to feel alive. I know that I fall quickly and with
great intensity only because the loneliness is unbearable it is
like I am a small child again always seeking elders only to find
that no love platonic or passionate can replace the love of my
granda and grandma on both sides of the family tree. I am
committed to making my mark on this beautiful but desolate
land and my silence seems to span the country and I feel like
the tree that falls in the forest deaf to the ears that are not
there.

All that I am matters not, my gifts sit like sand on my

palate and all the things mystical that I have studied are no
good to me I feel like the lone hero in a saga that has not been
put to paper, none of this diatribe is meant to garner pity. It is
only a statement of bare facts. My date is rushing more and
more quickly to me and strangely enough it brings with it final
peace. Dream Well 3:18 Nov 8 2005

Time is a fortune teller some people say. I find it a dance

to music that is kind and cruel, beautiful and ugly, shy and
brazen. In the brackets between one moment and the next
compassion and bitterness can exist.

I never thought I would miss someone so much even

before they were gone. There is something magical inside this
beautiful creature that keeps me struggling on day by day and
there is no doubt in my mind that the words I have not said yet
are already known, she is such a beautiful creature from the
inside out and she doesn’t even see how happy just hearing
her voice in my ear makes me.

30

I feel like I could conquer the world with her in my mind and
heart. It is as magical as a fairy tale that was written long
before I met her. Ironically enough sometimes my life just
seems to be drawing to a close she breathes new life into me
and it just seems worth the struggle I endure just to hear her
voice even if she is far away. That truly is a gift not of my of
my own making.
I don’t know if she will come back to me after she is gone
for so long all I can do is pray that this unconditional act is not
just one more example of smoke and mirrors that my life has
become.
Betty is a true gift as she makes me happy even with the
simple things she does. I only pray to God that she comes to
me this 10th day of November before she goes away for a long
time.
So here is to an unpredictable future and at the very best I
was happy for awhile. Dear God please let me have a few
hours with Betty tomorrow as selfish as that may sound. God
be with me as I dream.

Another day has come and gone for just this once I tried to correct
something I knew was wrong before I was sure what it was. I set the
Table for two and lit two candles for me and you. We danced while the
Meal finished its touch upon the kitchen stove.

I tried to read your eyes and knew that was a grave mistake and I
Saw what you so desperately wanted to tell me without saying anything
At all.

I cannot say it didn’t hurt me to know but I love you so before the words
had even formed in my mind. New scars and all I love you more with each
Passing day even though the weeks stretch across time without you being
Here with me.
Dear precious jewel I knew the minute you saw me that something was
Amiss and I began to weep for the first time in years for something that
Happened long before I made this fateful journey out here in the Wild
West.

Things will not change as far as my feelings go and perhaps I look the

31

Fool but the minute I knew I forgave you for something that almost killed
me not so long ago. I guess that’s the price I must pay in loving you and I
Will not utter those words again until you return them to me even though
I know its true that you love me too.

You are my queen of the night my precious diamond in the sand of

Humanity you care without having to say anything at all that’s what
Makes you so special to me.

I will not forget this day and I will remember the candlelight and the
Meal we shared and the music that we danced to. It was magic I just want
You to know I have never felt this way before.

Perhaps I am the fool but I believe in Legends and the love that you
Have for me is something that words fail to describe I can only pray to
God above that you know I forgive you and I will be here always till
The end, the very end.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have told you I feel the way I do but I had to
Just in case I don’t get another chance…
You have my heart and that’s more than words can say.

I never thought that I could still feel such sorrow it even interrupted my
dreamscape. Funny how that works I just met her and things instantly
clicked. The very music that plays in the background as I set these words
To paper shows that I still have a human side.

She is special because I would have purged her from my mind because of
What happened but the strangely tragic thing is that One More Day is all I
Ask of her.

It is surprising the amount of words that are spoken in the vast regions of
Silence. I miss her very much and I am the fool for that, after all I did
forgive her.

32
I hope she does not falter again I feel horrible this way.
Tis amusing since I would have abandoned anyone else
I often wonder when I got involved with her what direction
My heart would take me. Nov 12 05
-Wandering aimlessly my intellect a burden she beckons me in
Her dreams and I really struggle appearing to her.
I am a fool but a fool in love is better than just being a fool at all.

Today I would have had it as my last day as this tome progresses

I realize that the title of it is most appropriate and of all people
Her sister was the final one to break my heart. With a simple
Statement: She has never in the last few years been faithful
To anyone.

Left to my own resources I would not live to see tomorrow’s sun

Rise. All I want is to love and be loved my family no longer cares
I cry myself to sleep these last nights, and have decided not to
Suffer one more Christmas.

In the days to come I will be plotting my final demise and

Should this piece be discovered after the last thread of my
Life has been spun I wish it to be published as my one and
Only final work.

I know in my heart I will not be missed as they are acting as if

I am already dead. My only recourse is to find a source of the
Narcotic I need to end the flame that keeps me burning.
I have not wanted a drink as badly as I do now. I must be
Patient and plan my exit so that my intentions are not discovered.

The slogan One Day At a Time has new meaning and if God
Is merciful he will guide me in my execution instead of putting
Another bend in the road of my destination.

I do not believe I am going to hell it is my understanding that

Am living in it currently I will only be satisfied when I am gone.
I honestly believe that I will not be missed. I will start packing
Tomorrow so that there is less work for those that will try

33

To figure out what happened, all they will find is this piece to explain, I
Love my family I only wished that they loved me enough too.
God help me I love Betty too even though she is not capable of loving
Me the way I express my love to her.

Soon it will be over I must bide my time the sun is down and the
Stars are out and it is time for me to close my day. Soon I will
Be with my elders and the friends that have gone before me.

But that day is not today. 11:31pm Nov 12 2005

I have discovered the true tragedy in music one of the most beautiful
Things that can be communicated is the sorrow the words can bring
Without ever being uttered. The sword that pierced my side most
Definitatively was the lack of balance in song. Where there are
Notes there is an equal space of silence that exists in any piece
Of music. Strangely enough that is were the true music lies.

Such is life it is not the light or love that makes life with
Texture and meaning it is the suffering one endures in the
Silences between the notes that are never played but are
Necessary in order to m ake the musical piece complete.

Perhaps Life is the same. It is not how vibrant your candle

Burns it is how low the flame flickers that makes it what it
Is.

The loneliness is patient and makes Life that much more

Real with the pain that it brings and now that I am alone
I treasure the love that I had even for a short time.
Sad as it might seem all I wish for is for her to come back to
Me it is selfish I know but it is the truth.
Does she miss me or is she afraid of what I am.

I don’t have a clue what the next few days has in store
For me. I must accept what I cannot change and change

34

The things that I can. I must say that at this day I really
Want a drink but I cannot have it. Perhaps that is a blessing.
Nov 13/05

There is something magical in her voice that I cannot seem to place

Even though I feel mortally wounded in my heart by an arrow
That can never be fully removed I am still drawn to her.

God help me I don’t know what to do. I know what I am planning

But it isn’t always part of the master’s plan and I accept whatever
Consequence that my actions bring to me, I am past the point in
Caring.

Once more we are on the same page as that fateful day in December 19th
Of 1989. Hopeless and with no fear of what lay on the other side.
My family will not know and I will leave no clues as to who I am.

So when they find me no one can identify me as it will just be one more
Drug overdose in the great Wild West. I still have not decided to complete
My final solution I know it is a sin but I don’t want to feel this pain
anymore.

Sooner or later I will run out of whiskey and drugs so it is the best thing
For all concerned I am giving it one more try and then I concede defeat
I feel that life is futile and I am sure that all will forgive me in time.

It is a foregone conclusion that I will be quickly forgotten which strangely

Enough is comforting each day is shorter as I sleep longer and I miss the
Sunrise and sunsets but it is easier living this way versus staring out the
window wishing I was gone long ago.

This journey is one I am determined to complete and no one will stand in

My way, no one will be to blame and there will not be any questions asked
What is more important there will be no answers given.

35

I believe in miracles and I am hoping for one now, I am angry I cannot

Seem to talk sense into my sponsor to give me my books and my bicycle
Perhaps I will just have to go and get them. I haven’t decided yet.

Nov15 / 05

She is still here yet she is gone I wonder how my passing will affect her
When she is released in April from the Long House. Perhaps she is
waiting for me to say Good bye.

I cannot in good conscious say Good bye for the waters in which I
Seek to swim in have no bottom and no shore in sight. Why I do not
Know but I seem to have fallen in love temporarily with a simple woman

She loves in a way that is not emotional yet she insists that she is in
The act of love vs. having sex. I guess the joke is finally on me
As I had mistaken her love for something genuine.

Much to my chagrin it was only physical. My dear neighbor must be

Feeling better as she has returned to the person so clearly illustrated on
the trip and fiasco from home to here.

November 17th 2005

Nov17th 5:18am
It has been a long night and I am tired my home group is tonight
and I wonder why I go know in light of certain decisions. Dave has
betrayed me and will pay a price for that. I doubt I will ever have another
student. Its really too bad he has much to learn and what I taught him will
not keep him sober; I now realize he is much more sicker than I am. I will
have to let it go at that. I am not one to point fingers as I am looking
forward to my next drink. At least I am not delusional, its amusing that he
thinks he is a master with such little training. How he has summoned the
nerve to keep things that belong to me is beyond my logic.

36

Betty is gone I will miss her greatly. I wish her well and hope she
succeeds. I am grateful to her for showing me that I can still love
And not fear the consequences. Her mother seems to be a gentle soul
Tempered steel ha. I wish to know her better more out of selfish reasons
Than noble ones I just didn’t want her to think I was just like all
The other men that have touched Betty’s life.

I feel badly for her children as they have had no peace.

Addiction is an ugly thing and I honestly hope that the
Road I am taking is final.

Eventually healing is inevitable and I will

survive the battles that
Have been fought since time immemorial. Love
can be survived as
My heart goes back into hibernation better to
have lost love than have just discovered it.
Once that battle has been lost and survived
Nothing can pierce the armor I am clothed in,
as distance is healthy
As well. I will seek affection somewhere else I
just hope that I am remembered and I am
willing to take the risk of going into foreign
Territory. God is on my side I think and no
matter how much I hate myself His love is
always there for me I just hope that someday I
can see that love inside myself for me.
God rest all ye that have past before me. Nov
18/ 05

Many journey’s have I traveled in this beautiful

sunny
Fall day I only caught the tail end of a noon
gathering and I
Traveled 32 km to do that I tried to contact the
place I need to
Find in order to do as I have planned to no
avail, I did little
But I accomplished a lot even had a good
dream without the
Cold shock I usually have. It’s been a few days since my
last entry…
Not much has changed it is just a waiting game now. A few more
days and I will have the ability to have my plans come to fruition.
I must say I have experienced a loneliness that I never felt

37

Before and it’s not as bad as before. I am not stating that

drinking is the solution to my problems I have some periods of
happiness and it seems to be worth it. Isolation is a terrible thing
but I suppose we are born alone and we die alone and that is the
bottom line. I will be meeting judgment soon enough standing in
front of the God I perceive. I will have a smile on my face I only
wished I would see Ireland free, perhaps that is plausible who
knows. I know a few many things but I do not claim
omniscience.
I only hope I do not fail in my future endeavors. I really hope it
is my time to go and I don’t want anyone to try and stop me. That
is so few know of my plans. I am trying to meet with a new
contact because the people I have had contact with will try and
interrupt what I plan to do, I plan to be gone Dec24 and my story
is winding down to an end. I have had many fatal mistakes some
of which I cannot turn back time and figure out to solve them. So
that means they are beyond my control and God will just have to
take care of Himself. I have forgiven my self as much as I can
and I must say that my passing will be something to look forward
to….. DC al fini Nov 22

Has been a few days since I added to this long and sordid
Tale. I spoke to her for a few minutes the other day and she is in
a universe of her own. One of her own making but she is
wrapped up in a blanket of uncertainty and confusion that would
take a wizard to find his way out of the problems she has created
For herself. I feel badly for her children as they suffer the most
and I wonder at time why she even thinks of me at all. I was a
fool to let physical proximity be mistaken for genuine passion
and all the complicated things that come with it. She is a
troubled girl and forgives me for saying this but she reminds me
a lot of Lisa, one of the most emotionally damaging relationships
I have

39
Been involved in. I wonder why only toxic women are
attracted to me or the ones with ulterior motives. A life of
solitude is almost worth it at least when you are on your own
there is less of a chance of your heart being broken by family
Friends or lovers. I am glad because my day is approaching and
Soon it will all be over. I wonder what is on the other side
perhaps things have changed in sixteen years since I crossed
last.
I honestly hope it is my time I don’t want to come back
I am finished this piece may very well be the last thing that I
write. It is no masterpiece but it is a segment of life in my head as
I usually write when I am alone offline and in a state where I
have no fear in discovery. I will be blessed if my timing is an end
to all things that originate in pain or suffering of any kind. I am
tired of people taking responsibility for my life it is something I
hold in my own hands. It is my choice to end it or live it. At this
point I do not care for the pain I am in. The release of it will be
magnificent for only then will I be totally free. Hopefully by now
I have my wings and no one will try and stop me.
Ibid Nov 24

40

I have made a commitment to stay at the present condition

and free from mind altering substances a promise I have no
intention keeping it is Friday the 25 of November and I wait for
the beautiful Tuesday morning to get some dough; I plan to have
a personal rip roaring good time. I will be very merry you can
bank on that. Had a crucial argument with Hope tonight I wait
on faith alone she does not phone mom and end me homeless.
That was a fatal mistake her saying that I will pick what I say far
more tediously than an Irish potato farmer with his fields sown
with stone. Nov 26

41

A new beginning involves new risks I almost made a fatal

mistake the day before last in the risk of trust luck and fortune
did not fail me as my firm resolve was enough to save the day.
Self discovery is something that is never foreign. I am glad
things turned out the way they did for I saved myself editing one
more person out of my already shrinking circle of my inner
universe. Would be a shame if that happened as it has been a
long time since someone told me that they loved me and I
actually believe she does. Scary but true I must say the concept
of unconditional love is an endeavor into uncharted territory
from which anything is possible. The very thought that someone
could love me as she does is a thing I thought of as a myth for
the longest time. It is a pity I may never see her stand in front of
me but sometimes a rose is the most beautiful at the point in the
morning when the stars are still out and the sun is rising turning
the sky to that faded blue as the banshees of the night take flight
in the birth of the day. Wonders never cease to amaze me I know
I should not worry about the very thoughts that cross my mind at
this stage as I believe her when she tells me she loves me. It is
almost strangely sad when I have reached this point in my sordid
tale that it almost seems so much to accept with so little time.
Who knows? I might decide to stay to see what the second act of
this wonderful pageant has in store for me. It saddens me to
know I cannot take action and just hop into a car and drive to
her. Perhaps it is meant to be this way at this point nothing
surprises me at all.

41

When I look into the mirror that is when I feel the most
alone. I know that there has been a lot of self pity that has been
going on with me and I am more conscious of it now than I have
ever been. It is something that I am ashamed of and am taking
steps to avoid at all costs, it makes me look like a fool and is
hardly a positive character trait. I must accept other opinions
about myself or I will be alone for the rest of my days. I cherish
each day that someone spends with me. I only search for self
acceptance. There are many questions I have and not enough
answers are being provided. Call it Murphy’s Law for humor’s
sake. I am a man of many scars and not all of them can be seen
I am beginning to accept the fact that not everyone finds me as
hideous as I see myself. This has been a hard lesson to learn.
Everything takes time. As long as I don’t become bitter and
facetious or vain or conceited I would be satisfied with that.
Footnote to self read Prometheus Rising again starting with
front cover. Positive programming never fails. Sticking with the
behavioral reinforcement can be challenging but anything is
possible as I have proven time and time again. Projection of my
persona is a must more than any other time I am finding. I am
going to make a great effort at spending more time happy than
sad even if things take a turn for the worse but I can hardly see
myself sinking any lower than I have lately. I am tired of making
promises to myself I cannot keep. I have decided to start drinking
again instead of indulging on other escape mechanisms. I am
going to take the risk of letting someone in. I pray this does not
backfire on me. Help me change what I can and help me to
accept things that I cannot. I am rapidly approaching my 35th
year on this spinning mud ball. Soon I will have the resources to
make or break this Christmas. Things must change or I feel it is
time that I am finished with this game of Life.

42

I grow tired of being hungry in many ways. I have walked

too far and covered a lot of ground. I still remain standing where
I was 16 yrs ago. That is sad for me to admit and I feel great
shame. I find it very odd that someone loves me the way she does.
What worth she sees within me baffles me to be blankly honest.

As dirty old town plays I sit here shattered much to my

surprise. Her name will never be spoken aloud upon my lips.
I talked to her sister on the phone this morning in search of
answers and got all the ones I was afraid of hearing. She never
was capable of loving me due to her own battles she is currently
fighting. It is my sight that says she will suffer a far deeper loss
than just losing me. Her children will be raised by strangers and
she will embark on a journey of suffering she will not return
from. Why do I allow myself to be hurt in such depth this way?
Is this a sign that I will never love the way I only dream of? I do
not know for to assume that I will is a flaw that I cannot afford
to have. She was so warm to my touch and I feel doomed to ever
know her touch again. If heaven is as close as I can see it now I
only hope to reach it as it lives and breathes in my heart and
mind. Hope is something I dare not have for it only ends in
rejection and pain in all the ways I never imagined I would
suffer again.

43

I wish you well and may all that you struggle for makes you
content. I pray that eventually you find peace and strength even
though destiny dictates that I do not share that day with you. I
am so happy in an ironic way that things have turned the way
that they have. It is selfish and maybe cruel for me to look at it
from this angle but as long as you have made your choices I will
Not have to watch you kill yourself and scar your kids with your
selfish behavior. Forgive me my stupidity as I thought we might
have shared many sunsets together. One thing you can say for
yourself even if you only have a grade 7 education you are a
master of the pillow arts. To much a shame it is to be one of
many who drink from your cup only to remain empty. Now you
will be forgotten and only remembered for one reason. Tragic as
that seems it is true. The story of wind continues and finishes
with the same sound as it started with. Nothing at all. Peace be
with you and all that you hold close to you. The longing is over
Things come to a close as they always do, I am not sure why she
calls is it out of guilt or purpose? I guess that will remain a
mystery. I felt nothing talking to her the flame that once was has
died. I wish the best though it was a sad discovery she ended up
being nothing but a simple whore. I thought I could change that
but the key is she did not want to change that her common flaw
is that she gives herself because she cannot find herself thus she
will remain lost. May her future bring happiness to her and may
her children be taken care of. The concept of mercy is an illusion
to the modern man of technology. Faith seems to be an obtuse
thought process, and things and believes of a mystical nature
seem to be taken as seriously as daydreams of rainbows and
lephrecauns.It has been a long time since my last entry a lot has
convinced me that the only one to blame for the aforementioned
fatal mistakes where all of my own making, it is the day before
my birthday I seem to have turned back time and am still the

43

The drunk I was so many years ago I am quite sure my family

would be disgusted with my antics I am at a low I have not
known before. Everything I touch turns to ashes and dust. I hope
I make it through Christmas but things don’t look too promising.
Dec 13 2005

Tears are never lonely they run down your face in duets
like people ski down mountains covered with snow. It is 2am on
Dec 14 2005. I am now 35 years old I have amounted to nothing
even this sordid little tale may never see outside the confines of
this machine. I am a drunk and a drug addict a has been before I
could ever be anything. I have caused pain and mistrust in my
tracks led a parade of broken hearts and shattered friendships in
a wake of drugs and alcohol. I am finding it increasingly
difficult to go from one day to the next. I managed to shave off
my beard without cutting my throat and I hardly recognize the
man in the glass staring back at me. My mother will not speak to
me and my family has no use for me. I wonder if I will hear from
them today. Darkness and silence is my habitat and even
sunlight runs from my grim visage. Should things fly my way I
shall be free soon. Carpe Diem.

One more day describes this one that has gone by. I celebrated
my 35th birthday with the kind lady that brought me to where I
now sit. I am very grateful to have her as a friend as I would be
more in sorrow than I am for hearing from not one of my family
members. The choice that I have made is now concrete and will
take something powerful to change what is to be. I choose to be
sober and clean of illegal narcotics when I follow through what
lays in front of me. I miss my niece and nephew.

44

I miss my mother even though she has said without words that
she will see me on the sunny side of hell before she ever talks to
me again. I will send her the letter I owe her today. May angels
bless your dreams and banshees stop at your window and pass
your household on their way to heaven. Dec 15/05
You can choose what you pray to as far as God is concerned you
can even discover who your Guardian Angels are. But you find
out who your demons are they are always there they just wait for
you to find them in your life.
Today marks one of the most terrible days of my life. I have
been accused of the lowest crime a person can commit. I would
never do what I have been questioned about. The worst part was
my accuser is the most likely person to be able to kill me without
question or hesitation. To make matters worse when I came
home the authorities where waiting for me, I have nothing to
hide as I have done nothing wrong. The authorities searched my
apartment and scanned my computer. They found nothing as
nothing was to be found. More than anything now I want out of
this torture normal people call Life. My family has turned their
back on me and the one person who loves me is in a country I
am not allowed in. What the next few days will bring is a mystery
I am afraid and alone and I do not know what to do. Funny
thing is I don’t have the rope to hang myself or the poison to kill
me. So I must suffer whatever fate brings to me. Goodnight stars
and moon I am coming home soon. Dec 17 – 05
It seems as though I have failed again no big surprise
there. I must go home or I will make a decision that I cannot
take back. I feel terrible and waste my days sleeping and
dreaming of bad things. The are no Christmas dreams dancing
in my head only dreams of torture and violent Christmas’s of my
past.

45

I really do not blame my family for wanting nothing from me

I have wasted much time and not being able to cope here in BC
proves their point much to my chagrin. I am thinking of going
into a treatment centre for 3 months and then moving back into
Ontario once I get out. I really do not know what keeps me from
walking a long way never to return. The mountains are beautiful
to behold and it is still warm enough to camp on one of their
beautiful peaks. Hope is always here I am doomed if Hope walks
away. Dec 18 05
Just read my mail on another machine seems as though
Hope is gone beyond her circumstances I guess it is all for the
best as she will be spared the details of my outcome. I wish things
would change but even as the days go by and I am clean and
sober it just seems that my pain and inside agony quantum leaps
in measurements beyond comprehension. I now understand the
full scope of the abandonment of redemption and forgiveness far
from the grasp of a saint before it is canonized in the Vatican. I
feel like I share the same bloodline as the angels that
accompanied Lucifer as he was cast down out of Heaven. The
tears that are never cried rain like the sky opens in Spring.
Colleen left me a mail that was sad yet almost amusing she
referred to me as her Prince of Light and Darkness. I found it
agitating and ironic at the same time. I will begin preparations
for me leaving this desolate place in the next few days I must
clean this cage and begin to pack for I will soon be leaving it
may rain or shine or even snow where I am going but I am
going. Time is a fortune teller a friend always says the hospital is
next then treatment I will be returning to the province of my
birth or I will die here. Time is short and there is much to do. 18
December 2005
December 19, 2005 the anniversary of my death in 1989 has
come around again. It has been 16yrs since that day has passed.

46
Not a lot has changed except this year I have been drinking as
well as doing drugs and it has been the death of parts of me that
I thought I would never give up. The song has died in my heart
for quite some time now. There is no love in my heart and I am
alone again with nothing to mark my passing not even a smile or
a glimpse of happiness in another person that I worked so hard
to summon. I never intended it to come to pass that anyone
would ever regret meeting me or fall for the illusion that I cast
that I am no different than the common fool. Though I have
acted the part to the smallest detail. I have betrayed myself and
practically sold my soul to the devil for the sake of drugs and
alcohol. My family has turned against me and I feel that heaven
has forsaken me. I live in fear and hope has been lost in the
shuffle of this small little town. I only hope to redeem myself
somehow by entering treatment and going home to Ontario
before it is too late. If I cannot make the voyage home I am
going to die here before I lose all respect for myself. I have
driven all my friends away and even AA does not take me
seriously anymore. Am I beyond redemption? This I do not know
as I can not assume to know the mind of God. I only have myself
to blame, the mountain beckons me and each sunrise I see I feel
like it is my last. With each end of day when the sun hides her
face for the night I dream that I am taken either by my demons
or my angels and I cross over and each time I put my head down
to sleep and I enter the land of Dream, I pray that I do not wake
even though my life will not end that simply. I know this as I was
born into tragedy and will leave this world the same way I
entered it. The fires of heaven burn for me yet I am cold to the
very marrow of my bones. There are angels and I am not in total
isolation as there are people in the Program who do care. I care
for others the way I know I should care about myself I just can
not forgive myself for the mistakes I have made. I do not blame
my family for turning against me and at least my sister is still
speaking to me so not all battles are lost.

47
I do not expect a warm reception upon returning to Ontario. I
find it ironic that my father is as close to me as he is considering
the past relationship I had with him. I feel that my mother does
not exactly hate me but I also know that I am not exactly the
apple of her eye right now. What is worse is that I feel that I have
lost my brother totally.
It is a few days before Christmas the birth of Christos is at
hand I almost feel like I am not beyond redemption I am very
proud of myself which is sad because I only did what I should
have been doing all along. Nonetheless I did it! I knew I could
do it before the liquor store opened and I even got smokes for the
dear lady across the hall that is helping me out of the grave that I
have dug for myself.
If hope were a road paved by strife and struggle, joy and
pain or even pennies and half truths; what a winding road it
would be. I often dream of a utopia populated by perfection of
environment appreciation of beauty in both sight and sound and
sown with blue skies and perfect surf on a beach with white
sands and no stone or broken glass. Alas utopia is a dream just
beyond my reach but close enough to be just beyond the touch of
my finger prints in a sunset that never sinks below the horizon.
The sun shares the sky with the rising moon and the stars are
gently scattered in a darkening navy blue sky. The snow is
gradually creeping down the mountains to meet in the valley I
live in. I am 3 days before Christmas and I will be late with my
gifts my name is already a vulgar word on the tongues of my
family members at home and my ebbing life is measured in spans
of 24hrs. I am poor out of choice as I am safer that way and I am
graced with the fact that I am not too proud to be in that
position. I miss my family even though they must be relieved at
the lack of my presence among them. This year will be the first of
many that I am not with them on Christmas morning and yet that
seems so far away.

48
I really must be honest when I admit that I can taste the rye
that I so desperately want to taste to take the way that I feel
away. I know that the drink is not the answer to my painful
reality and all I can do to save myself is to surround myself with
people who have greater needs than my own selfish wants and
thirsts. I must forget and forgive because although I have my
friends I only have myself at the end of the day. It was good to
talk to her again to have that release. I know that I was alone in
that I really do not want to continue a pattern that I had rid
myself so difficultly before. It is neither fair nor gentlemanly to
do what I have done tonight and I must atone for that. It is an
addiction that I cannot afford to fall into and I must put a stop to
it as it has started. I do love her and I was a fool to act the way
that I did but I must admit I did what I did selfishly and I cannot
live the way I have.
Death haunts me and seems to be the answer but God is cruel
and stubborn so I am sure He in his original formula must have
been Irish I am quite sure my granda is having a rather good
laugh at me now. I can not go on living this way it is no life.
There are two people who do not cost me anything of their
friendship. The rest hover like ravens at a funeral for my funds. I
miss Nancy Whiskey and she seems to be the only lady who
wants to dance with me. But should I heed the bagpipes of the
banshee of Ishkebaha I am doomed to come back again to play
the fife and drum of the battle hymn that my life has become.
Soldiers are born to die in battle the rest just play the old songs at
their birth and funerals and the water of Life flows freely at both
ends of the rainbow and only the stars stay transfixed in their
fields of sky with the stone walls guarding their flocks as the
wheel of time turns in the witching hours of night into the birth
of Day. Ceade Mille Failte Grainne Mihaille and Granda Savage
and Norris forgive me of the sins that I have committed today
and guide me toward Tir Na Og tonight and Bless me with the
dawn. If it be the will of the Sidhe……

49

Be it my turn to have the banshees wail over my house

tonight I pray that they take me to judgment swift and sure and
be done with it as I have crossed the River Styx twice before and
returned aboard Chiron’s boat to this shore. Good night and
May the ghosts that haunt the house at night never stir you from
your sleep. May the little people sprinkle fairies dust on you and
peace be upon the heads of your house. Dec 22 05
 Dec 23rd 05
What magic the season brings I am starting to accumulate more
sober friends than drinking ones and I have been given the
honor of being invited to Christmas Dinner with my friend with
the horse farm. Tonight was beautiful even though the heavens
opened and the tears of angels fell upon my head as I ventured
out to my meetings. It is a season of celebration and I feel reborn
soon I will be online again and I even phoned my Da tonight.
Miracles do occur even to a skeptic such as myself.
Dec 23-05
I wish I never came out here to the wild west I honestly think I
will never see Ontario again. I haven’t felt this low in quite
sometime. I know that if things are any more complicated I will
not want to see one more day. Perhaps when I get back online
things will change. I do have friends but I have not felt this
empty in a very long time. I feel broken and cast aside.
Dec 25th Christmas morning 2:06 am
One more year I have survived and I am sober I never thought I
would plan to live to see Christmas Day. Seems as though God
has other plans for me. I got a really nice gift from my friend
across the hall and even more precious I had a great chat with
Mom tonight before Midnight mass at the local church. Is it not
odd that I would find such comfort in an old ritual. I miss Dad
and the family memories I have of the past.

50
The ghosts of Grandma Norris and Grandpa Savage leer in my
memory and I miss them both dearly. The food and drink flowed
freely in days gone by. I miss Tim and Teresa and the bill must
soon be paid. Hopefully when this document comes to light no
shame is brought to the family name. It is odd that it seems the
only vehicle that I can be brutally honest with is on a machine
with no voice and no paper and ink to be seen by the whole world
I almost feel like the transformation that Scrooge went through
in the Christmas Carol. I am becoming a horseman and may
soon one day own a horse of my own should fate decide it. Love
to all and to all a goodnight. Merry Christmas.
I was graced this Christmas night I had dinner at the horse
ranch tonight with Geoff the guy I know from the fellowship; he
said he could make me an excellent horseman in one year. What
a gift that will be should I understand that I am staying put. It
will take a miracle to keep me hear. My executioner came to see
me last night and I was surprised to see a real miracle. I don’t
exactly know what to do now. I got some really nice gifts from
mom and a really nice letter too. I am happy for the moment and
the mountains will not be my burial ground but only just for
today. Merry Christmas my dear family. We are all dearly
cherished this year.
Dec26th 2005
One more day, Tim has his new house and lovely girlfriend
Teresa is home with the kids and her new man.. He seems to be a
nice man. Mom was happy I got my Christmas present and I
should be online tomorrow hopefully. I have amounted to
nothing big surprise there. If the cards fall properly I will be in
detox soon and going home to stay. I will not make it out here I
have to go home before my addiction kills me. Pride will not
stand in my way as it would only end up being fatal.