Besides Planes and

Elevators
By Shane
Farrow

This book is dedicated to 3am and the

hallucinations it has caused.
For without them, none of this would be possible.
And of course, Mark Patricio.

Any similarities between this book and any other are

probably purely coincidental. All events cited in this book
are entirely nonfictional. All details in those events have
been appropriately exaggerated. Persons referred to in
these stories are encouraged to change their names to
avoid possible copyright lawsuits. The author is not liable
in any way, shape, or form over any damages caused by
creative uses of this book or its components. Ingestion is
 not prohibited, but it is strictly discouraged in regions
where you are not a goat. In regions where you are a goat,
the author would like to note that the particular
arrangement of letters has made this book a favorite
amongst the furry and cloven and strongly encourages the
purchase and consumption of multiple copies. All opinions
expressed are those of the
author and completely true by and by.
Thank you.

Introduction
This is not a conventional story. There was
never meant to be a plot, and I apologize to those who
have found it- I can only imagine the state of the poor
thing after being so long neglected. Any characters
introduced are to be presumed dead at the conclusion of
the story they appear in. If they recur, see this as merely
a blunder by me the writer, and continue to regard them
as dead. If they are pivotal to the story and they must be
acknowledged, please, again, regard them as dead.
At the end of each year we resolve to drop a
vice and pick up a virtue to head into the New Year.
While it’s by mid-January that we realize why we had
the original preference to the former, the beauty of a
resolution is that we have the entire year to put it off.
On December 31st, 2010, I resolved that I would remain
abstinent for that year, retain sobriety from then on, and
write a book.
I, like most people my age, am 18. Two of those
resolutions may have been lost somewhere in the
transition from half-hearted to apathetic, but, I did
intend to keep at least one of them, and that’s where we
currently are.
This book is a collection of everything I’ve
written in the past year from short stories to speeches. I
will narrate between them in my best effort to offer
context and continuity, but beyond this, I leave you at
the mercy of your attention span. I have never been a
 good student, English or otherwise, but I do hope that
you enjoy the book regardless. So sit down, grab a pen,
put it back down, and let me fill your head with the
thoughts that plague mine.

Chapter 1: The Essays

The most important thing to know about this
section is that each essay, regardless of the content, was
turned in for a grade. Some of them fared very well, but
usually my favorites did not. This is a way for those
particular ones to gain the time in the limelight I
adamantly feel they deserve.
Originally I was going to organize the
documents by the comments they had received:
Inappropriate subject matter would be first, loose
prompt interpretations would be second, foul writing
would be third, etc. Unfortunately, as so many of them
could fall under two or all of these categories, this
becomes impossible.

Prompt: Pick a current problem, and write a

persuasive essay on what changes should
be made to fix it. Be sure to explain the
significance of this issue and be ready to
back up why your solution is effective.

A Humble Suggestion
Shane Farrow
 As different forms of media have increased in

popularity in the United States, federal offenses have

become more and more publicized. This has come to

serve two purposes: to inform the public of these

heinous crimes, as well as to desensitize them to it.

While the first objective is admirable in any country

that capitalizes itself on a well-informed society, the

latter presents a potential issue. By desensitizing

possible criminals from the acts they may commit, they

become more likely to offend.

For a solution (or rather a preventative measure)

to be reached, we must specify down to a specific class

of crime. In choosing which tree we alienate, two

factors must be investigated: the correlation between

rising media coverage and a rise in that specific field of

crime and the psychological profiles of those already

convicted.
 Sexual offenders are typically impressionable

people- many of those convicted come from

backgrounds of domestic abuse, where strains and

strands seem to follow them into adolescence and

adulthood. However, as many go on to become repeat-

offenders, the rehabilitation or deterrent efforts of

prisons seem to be futile. If the individuals who commit

these crimes are impressionable, then the clearest path

is to simply choose a more ‘imprinting’ punishment.

With all facts presented and on behalf of the family of

all victims and the commonwealth of society, I

advocate violent sodomizing for a period of seven hours

prior to a convict’s release if the sexual crimes

committed add up to more than seven years of

incarceration. The medium in which this is to be

achieved will be with the African vuvuzela, (horn first)

as sports fans have unanimously conceded that ‘there’s

nothing worse than having that thing stuck in your

head.’ Perhaps there is something worse, and the

modifications to where the object is specifically stuck

are our best attempt.

There are some that will argue the time length,

the object used, or the action of violate sodomizing in

itself as a deterrent, which is why I also intend to

discuss why the three synchronize harmoniously as a

composition.

To justify the furious insertion of African

noisemakers into those convicted of sexual offenses, we

need to look at the primary objective of the criminal

justice system: to protect the commonwealth of the

people, which I intend to prove supersedes the clause

regarding cruel and unusual punishment. That specific

policy was drafted together to give ‘wiggle room’ to

defendants to argue if a punishment dealt is widely seen

as ‘unfair’ or ‘unfit for the specific crime.’ However, I

put forth two specific contentions to preemptively

remove that defense: this punishment would be

purposely crafted so that it did fit the crime the guilty

are convicted of, giving the consequence context, and

secondly, the lack of humanity in these convicts frees

us from having to differentiate between them and beasts

when judgment is dealt. And while I stand in the

firmest negation of animal abuse, it is a well-known

fact that to teach a puppy not to go on the carpet, you

rub their nose in it after. Through state-sponsored

sodomizing, I believe this is being correctly emulated.

The final two arguments can addressed together,

as they are both details on the administration, not

objections to the act. To table the time issue, ‘seven

hours’ had come about after mathematical consideration

of the previous analogy. If a puppy’s nose is to be

rubbed in their own mess for two seconds when the

problem itself can be completely alleviated in twenty, it

becomes clear that the rehabilitating punishment should

go on for a fraction of the time it would take for their

impact to subside. However, as sexual assault victims

never fully recover and the average woman lives

beyond it by roughly seventy years, we were at first

convinced that the only effective method of retribution

would be to sentence the convict to seven years of anal

invasion instead of the aforementioned seven hours.

But, analysts had come to the conclusion that the

incarcerated bodies would simply begin to form around

that daily stress, removing the effectiveness of it over

time. The time span of ‘seven hours’ was agreed upon

thereafter, the reasoning being that the convicted may

be sporadically assaulted by other inmates in their

incarceration to compensate. And while this is not

directly encouraged by correctional facilities, our board

panel was informed that ‘there was a reason that [they]

have yet to offer ‘liquid’ soap in the showers.’

 The vuvuzela as the ‘tool of choice’ was

actually a recommendation from FIFA in hopes that a

better connection would be formed between the U.S

and the sport of Soccer. FIFA correspondent, when

asked why the sudden step was made to aid the U.S's

criminal justice program, simply responded with ‘well,

they were meant to be a pain in the ass, anyways.’

The time span of ‘seven hours’ was agreed upon

thereafter, the reasoning being that the convicted may

be sporadically assaulted by other inmates in their

incarceration to compensate. And while this is not

directly encouraged by correctional facilities, our board

panel was informed that ‘there was a reason that [they]

have yet to offer ‘liquid’ soap in the showers.’

The vuvuzela as the ‘tool of choice’ was actually a

recommendation from FIFA in hopes that a better

connection would be formed between the U.S and the

sport of Soccer. FIFA correspondent, when asked why

the sudden step was made to aid the U.S's criminal

justice program, simply responded with ‘well, they

were meant to be a pain in the ass, anyways.’ ##