Low self esteem

Low self-esteem is a feeling of being unworthy, of not measuring up to others and

feeling incapable of achievements or successes in life. Low-self esteem essentially
stems from a lack of self-love and a rejection of the self. It is rooted in past
experiences, especially if the person did not get much affirmation and
reinforcement in their childhood, or was hurt and rejected in some way, and has
fear and negative thinking at its core.

There are many basic causes of low self-esteem which can also have ongoing and
debilitating effects, but the most significant ones are the following:

1. Guilt. This often takes the form of self-torture. Such people worry about
everything they do and tend to regret every decision, often believing they did the
'wrong' thing. They tend to see their actions as unforgivable, their imperfections as
permanent and believe improvement is impossible. Thus they are kept feeling
constantly inferior to everyone else and totally inadequate.

2. Fear and uncertainty. The hallmark of non-confident people is naked fear which
they wear like a welcome sign on themselves. They fear making mistakes, upsetting
others or becoming ill. They fear not having material things and not living up to the
expectations of someone else. They fear not being liked, being hurt and fear taking
any kind of responsibility. They fear even being themselves, because of the risk of
disapproval from the significant others they value or wish to impress. Such fears are
fed and maintained by negative experiences, lack of self-belief and an absence of
trust. People driven by fear are plagued by self-doubt, submissiveness, over-
conformity, sensitivity to criticism, feelings of inferiority, being unloved or rejected.

3. Self-Shame. Keeping secrets about themselves which then makes them feel
'awful', 'disgusting', 'weird', 'stupid', 'ugly' or unworthy, especially as they would
believe themselves to be the only ones with such experiences. This lowers their self-
esteem even further and keeps them from trusting others. They would live in
constant fear of what others might find out about them.

4. Trying to be a perfect person. True self-esteem means an acceptance of our

being, warts and all, with no desire to be anyone else. But if we keep finding faults
with ourselves, we will always miss our strengths. But if we do not accept ourselves,
who on earth is going to accept us, either? In such a way we keep feeling
inadequate and unworthy.

5. Unforgiving, unrealistic expectation of perfection in others. They never quite

come up to our standard so, indirectly, they are not worth our acknowledgement,
attention, recognition, reward or forgiveness. In this way we also keep from
forgiving ourselves and tend to be very hard on ourselves all the time. It is much
easier for us not to love ourselves because the natural instinct to blame always
seeks a scapegoat. When we do not wish to blame someone else for the hurt, pain
or unappreciation we feel, we go inwards with the anger and beat ourselves up
instead. But expecting perfection in others mainly shuts off the individual from
essential social contact, often leaving them feeling isolated and alone.

6. Lack of trust. Low self-esteem tends to isolate us and causes distrust. We never
feel people are being honest with us. Yet, when we don't engage others honestly, it
is hard for them to open their hearts to us. Without openness, we get no feedback
because others cannot relate to us either. We also never discover that others
struggle with the same problems as we do, nor do we learn their solutions, which
might be helpful to us. Genuine communication with others proves there is nothing
to be ashamed of in life itself. We are all humans who have to travel the same road
together with all our imperfections.

7. A focus on our perceived limits. This replaces the focus on our potential and the
possibilities for growth and improvement. In this way we seldom welcome or enjoy
new experiences and also remain in the same fearful state wondering why we never
achieve what we really want. This is likely to keep our self-esteem in a constantly
low state as we will perceive that we have nothing to be really proud of.